No Such Thing as Time

When I wake up this time it’s because the rooster is crowing. I’m confused at first why I’m in bed alone, and then all the horrible things I heard last night come flooding back into my mind.

It’s quiet, but that isn’t too unusual, Eddie and I were usually up before Amanda and Spencer.

I reach over and touch Eddie’s side of the bed…his pillow. It’s weird to not touch him.

I sit up on the side of my bed and stretch. It’s chilly today. It’s going to be winter before I know it…snow on the ground…and I’ll have to do everything alone if I want to survive.

Do I even want to survive now?

I fell asleep in my clothes last night, even my hoodie, so I decide to not change anything. I do scrounge up some cleanish socks and put them on. We really need to do laundry soon. We? More like I need to do laundry soon.

I open my door just a crack and look into the hallway. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to see…and I don’t see anything unusual. I guess I am a bit surprised to see my parent’s bedroom door open, I thought maybe Eddie would have slept in there…or maybe he did and he’s already up. Or maybe he did sleep in there and left the door open.

I slowly walk towards my parent’s room. I close my eyes right before I get to it.

I want to look, but am afraid of what I’ll see. If he’s in there asleep, or awake, what will I say to him? Will I say anything?

And if he’s not there…I might cry.

I feel a lump in my throat. I can’t even swallow…I can barely breathe.

I take a step forward…take a deep breath…and then open my eyes.

The bed’s empty. Still made from after the last time we slept in there.

I feel my eyes fill with tears…I blink and they run down my cheeks.

I want to go back to bed…to feel sorry for myself…but I can’t. The animals still need to eat, to be let out.

I walk back down the hall and head to the stairs.

When I get down to the kitchen I realize how creepily silent it is being alone. Usually, I can hear Eddie upstairs moving around, or he comes down with me, but this morning I’m alone.

I remember that last night I used the last match in the bathroom, so I dig around in the junk drawer to find some. At first, I don’t see any and I feel that empty pit feeling in my belly. I know we have some somewhere, we found a nice amount at the feed store. They could have taken them. One little thing like that…just one small action, would impact my everyday life so much.

I dig through the drawer again, almost frantic that I’ll not find any and how will I light the lanterns, or stove or anything ever again.

I stop…take a deep breath…and slowly start looking making sure I look at every little thing.

Finally, in the very back, I find a half used pack of matches. Not the ones we got at the feed store, but these will work for now and after breakfast, I’ll look for more.

I mentally plan my day while I’m in the bathroom. I’ll start with the pig, then the goats and chickens. No need to bring in water now, I’m not going to make coffee and there’s still some water in the bucket I can drink, so I’ll bring in water later.

I need to work on the menu today…maybe? Is there any point now if it’s just going to be me? Yeah, I think I should. Makes it easier to keep track of what food I have and to use what expires the soonest first.

After I take care of the animals I’ll go through the cabinets and do inventory, and then do the same downstairs.

I go back to the kitchen for a quick drink of water before I slip on my boots and head outside.

When I go outside I notice something is out of place. At first I can’t figure out what’s different, then I realize, the truck is gone.

I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. I guess I am alone. They all must have left me here…alone. I’m going to have to figure out how to do this by myself…if I want to that is. Do I want to live alone forever?

I open the barn doors and am happy to see the cow is standing. She looks at me and moos.

I had forgotten about her. Poor girl. I go over to her and scratch her head.

“I bet you’re hungry this morning. I’ll give you some feed, so try to eat some of that, then after I’m finished with everyone else, I’ll make you more mashed apples.”

I get feed for the pig, let him outside and dump his food into his trough, do the same for the goats.

I dump some of the cow’s feed into a bucket for the cow and hang it on the fence by her.

Then I get a bucket full of chicken feed and head to the chicken coop to feed them and see if there’s any eggs this morning.

I’m surprised to find six eggs. We haven’t gotten this many in a week or longer. Not sure what I’ll do with all of them. Maybe I’ll try to bake something today. I’m sure we have everything for pumpkin bread. Just have to remember to keep the oven full of wood so it stays hot enough to cook bread.

I should try to make actual bread. We probably have a hundred pounds of flour stored in the basement. Just as well use it before it gets bugs or something.

That’s what I can spend the day doing, baking. I hope we have yeast. I’m sure I grabbed some at the feed store, so there has to be some.

I fill a bucket up at the well before I take the eggs inside. I need to warm some water for the bread to activate the yeast, and while I’m in a baking mood and have all the stuff out, I just as well use the other two eggs to make noodles since pumpkin bread takes four.

I could even make soup for dinner. Use all the ugly veggies we pulled out of the garden yesterday.

I’ll go through everything we have and see if I can make some sort of soup today, I planned on doing inventory anyway.

The house is still scarily quiet. It’s eerie. I set a pot on the stove and fill it half way with water so I can warm it for bread.

I stuff the stove full of wood and some paper so I can start the fire in it. At first, it doesn’t seem to want to start. I start to worry when I end up using four matches to get it started. I really need to find the matches we got at the feed store.

I get the two biggest bowls we have out of the cabinet and set them on the table. I’ll take them downstairs to fill with flour to bring up.

First though, I need to do an inventory of what food is still here.

I get the notebook we’ve been keeping track of food in out of the drawer in the kitchen. There’s a pen clipped to the front cover so I don’t have to search for one.

It’s a long boring process, but has to be done so I can make sure I won’t suddenly run out of food, or be left with random weird stuff like artichoke hearts and a can of cherry pie filling.

We still have several cans of tuna and some cream soups…if I do make noodles today I can put tuna casserole on the menu.

I go downstairs so I can go through all the food we have down there. We really need to try to eat the veggies and stuff from the garden first.

We have a lot of rice so I could do rice and veggies one night. It would be so good if we had some chicken or something in it.

This was much easier when I had Amanda or Eddie helping me. It was more fun too.

When I get back upstairs I stick my finger in the water to see if it’s hot enough. You can’t make the water too hot or you’ll kill the yeast, it has to be the perfect warmth and have some sugar to help activate it.

The water is perfect so I get a cup of it and dump it in a small bowl, add the yeast and a tablespoon of sugar, mix it up a bit and then leave it to do its thing.

I do the same in another bowl since I planned on making two loaves of bread.

I run back downstairs with the big bowls to get the flour.

I walk carefully back up the stairs so I don’t spill any. I don’t want to waste any and I am paranoid about bugs or animals getting in the house if we make any kind of mess.

I check the yeast water and it’s bubbly so it’s ready. I add the rest of the ingredients I need. Oil, salt, flour, and I mix each batch and then knead it until it’s all mixed and shaped into a nice round ball.

I cover each bowl and set them on the stove so they can rise.

Then I start in on the pumpkin bread.

I try to remember the recipe, it’s not like I can look it up online now. Maybe I should start writing recipes down, so we can always have them.

I open the notebook to an empty page and write down the recipe for bread and then for pumpkin bread. At least what I can remember to make it.

I know I need flour, eggs, oil, pumpkin, sugar and sometimes I use part brown sugar, and spices, um…cinnamon, cloves, ginger and nutmeg.

I mix up the batter for it. Luckily I have just enough flour. I’ll have to go back down to get more for the noodles.

I only have two loaf pans so I fill them with the pumpkin batter and will have to wash them later to bake the regular bread in. I guess I could have made pumpkin muffins, but it’s too late now I think as I slide the loaf pans into the oven.

I have no way to time them. I wonder if my cell phone would even turn on now? I could use the timer on it, but it would be stupid to waste the battery. Not sure what I’m saving it for, but I feel like using it just to time the bread is a waste. I’ll just keep checking on it.

I go back down to the basement to get flour to make noodles. While I’m down there my stomach growls so I grab an apple to eat.

I’m so glad we were able to go to the neighbors and get all of the apples. It’s really helped out with having extra stuff for the animals, and for us too. Us? Me…

I absentmindedly mix up the noodles. We made them often so it’s really easy to just do it. I don’t really know measurements, but write estimates down.

Put the flour on the table or counter, make a little well in it and put the egg in it. Add salt. Little bit of water or milk to make it all stick together.

Roll it out and cut into strips. I always use a pizza cutter, seems so easy that way.

Seems like it takes no time at all to get two batches mixed, rolled out and cut.

And lay them out on the counters so they can dry.

I keep half in a loose pile on the table so I can use them in the soup tonight.

I really…really…need chicken. I know where I can get one, but can I do this?

I go out to the barn so I can get the ax. I find it where my dad always keeps it. I grab a handful of chicken feed too.

I carry the ax to the chicken coop. I stand outside of it looking through the fence at the chickens. Looking to see if any of them look different somehow. I need a sign.

I stare at them for several minutes trying to decide. I finally just decide to take the biggest one.

I casually go in the coop. I swear they all know…they all look at me.

“Hey, guys…how are you doing?” I say and toss some of the feed on the ground.

I look at all of them. They all seem about the same size. I grab the one that’s closest to me. She doesn’t even make a fuss of any sort.

I take her over to the stump where we chop wood…and kill chickens.

I’ve watched my dad do this so many times, but right now I can’t figure out how to hold her and cut her head off.

I lay her down across the stump, but she won’t lay still and I need two hands for the ax. This is never going to work! I don’t know how my dad did this.

There’s another way to do it. My dad didn’t do it this way, but I’ve seen other people do it…I can break her neck.

I pick her back up by her feet. She’s hanging upside down and now is starting to freak out a bit. I need to do this now if I’m going to do it.

I grab her neck near her head with my left hand. I know how to do this, I just need to pull upwards firmly and snap her neck. I take a deep breath, say a silent quick prayer to someone, the fucking cow I guess, and I do it.

I know I did it right, I feel it pop. She flaps her wings frantically for a few seconds, then a flutter, then nothing. I stand there just holding her upside down for a minute, maybe two or three before taking her back to the stump. I lay her on the stump and this time I cut her head off.

I carry her to the barn so I can let her hang upside down for a bit and drain the blood out.

After I get her on a hook, I set a bucket under her and then head back to the kitchen to check on things in there.

The pumpkin bread smells delicious. I must have made it right…I was a little worried since I haven’t made it in a long time

I open the oven door and pull the rack out so I can check the bread. It looks perfect. I gently touch the top even though I can see it’s still liquidy in the middle.

It’s getting firm though so it’s cooking.

I lift up a corner of the towel on my other bread to see if it’s rising, and luckily it is. I check the other one and it’s rising too.

They’ll probably be ready to bake once the pumpkin bread is finished.

I put the pot of water back on the burner. I need hot water to dunk the chicken in so I can pull out the feathers.

While the water is warming on the stove, I go downstairs to get some veggies for the soup.

I start to get some potatoes but figure with the noodles we won’t need potatoes too. We…I did it again. I need to start thinking about just me.

I get six carrots, two onions, whatever peas and beans we had left in the garden yesterday, and then I get two big cans of mixed veggies. It’s going to be a little heavy on the carrots, but it will be fine.

I peel the carrots and cut up the onion while waiting for the water to boil. I wish we had celery, but I’m sure it will taste okay without it.

The water is almost hot enough for the chicken and I decide it will be a lot easier to bring the chicken in here than to try to carry this pot of boiling hot water outside, so I turn the fire off and head outside to get the chicken.

I wonder what I should do with this bucket of blood? What did my dad do with it? I’m sure he had some sort of use for it, he liked to use every part of an animal.

Well…for now I’m going to leave it right where it is…like the head…it’s still sitting by the stump where it fell after I chopped it off.

I carry the chicken into the kitchen.

I dunk the chicken into the hot water and swish it around for a minute. I pull it out and try to pull some feathers off and they come out easily so I know it’s ready.

I carry it back outside so I can pull the feathers out without making much of a mess.

It takes some time to pull the feathers out. It’s like I pull out a handful, and you can’t even tell where I pulled them from.

But after some time she’s starting to be pretty bald. I get most of the feathers off. I decide to go ahead and cut off the feet. My mom would sometimes cook them for the pigs, but I don’t think I will.

I take my bald chicken over to the stump and cut the feet off. I leave them laying there on the stump.

I take the ax back into the garage and put it where it always goes.

I want to start boiling the chicken now so it will be ready early evening, I leave the chicken in the sink and take the pot of water I dunked it in before outside to dump it and then go over to the well to fill it back up.

I set the pot of water back on the stove and light the burner.

I check inside and I need to add more wood so I go outside and grab some and fill the stove up. I go back out and grab another armful for later.

The pumpkin bread smells delicious so I’m sure it’s done. I open the oven to check it. I gently touch the top of one loaf, it springs right back. I do the same for the other one and it springs back too. Both are finished, and look and smell perfect.

I get them out and set them on the table. I’ll let them cool a bit then take them out of the pans so I can wash the pans and bake the bread in them.

I turn my attention back to the chicken. I need to gut it still. I wish I had watched my parents closer when they did all of this, but I never planned on being a farmer.

I set the cutting board on the counter and set my chicken on it. I know gutting it had something to do with cutting somewhere around its butt, but I honestly can’t remember. I decide to just cut down the middle of its chest, opening it up, and cleaning all the insides out. It actually goes pretty easy. I put all the gross bits that I pull out into a small pot to boil for the pig.

I plop the chicken into the pot of water, add some of one of the onions, the ends of the carrots, then add some spices like salt and pepper, a bay leaf, and some poultry seasoning.

I get a glass of water and sit down to take a break for a few minutes.

I decide the pumpkin bread should be tasted…I mean if it tastes bad, I should feed it to the pig and chickens. Okay, the goats too.

I slice a small piece and take a bite. It’s so good. I kinda wish I had nuts to put in it, but it’s still good without them.

I sit and finish the piece of pumpkin bread. I hope it doesn’t go bad before I can eat all of it.

I’m sitting, trying to talk myself into getting up and dumping the pumpkin bread out of the pans so I can wash them when I hear a noise upstairs. I start to freak out wondering what the fuck it could be, and then I hear someone coming down the stairs.

“Oh my god…I’m sorry I slept so late…things were all weird last night…I’m sure you know that…but then Eddie left and we were worried about him…um…so we stayed up…then when he came back we all talked…then went to bed for a bit…but he woke us up really early…I fell back asleep…what smells so good?” Amanda says when she comes into the kitchen.

I don’t know what to reply. Or what to think. I honestly thought I was here alone. Is she the only one here still? She said Eddie woke them up early this morning, and she fell back asleep, are both Eddie and Spencer gone?

She walks over to the stove and looks in the pot…sniffs at it. “Is that chicken? Where did you get chicken?”

“Outside. So is anyone else here? Where did Eddie go last night?” I ask her.

“Outside? Like it was one of your chickens? Did it die?”

“Yes, one of mine. I broke its neck…” I say.

“Wow! I didn’t know you knew how to kill a chicken and like cook it. It smells so good.”

“So…where’s the truck?” I ask her.

“Oh…Eddie has it. He left last night when you wouldn’t talk to him. He wasn’t gone too long. Came back and we all talked. I think he slept for a while but woke us up a bit later. Said he had to go do something…I guess he’s still gone. Spencer is upstairs getting dressed,” she says.

“Is he coming back?”

“Eddie?” she asks.

I nod my head.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I thought he was. Figured he would already be back. He just said he had to go do something and left.”

I wonder where he went…what he had to go do…and if he’s really coming back.

Spencer comes down the stairs. He kisses Amanda on the cheek, wraps his arms around her. “Why don’t we go back upstairs…take the day off today…” he tells her.

“We have stuff to do,” she replies pushing him away.

He shrugs his shoulders. “Looks like she can do it all.”

So nice of him to say Good Morning Mara, did you sleep well? Or to acknowledge me in some way. Fucking asshole. Maybe he’ll leave and not come back.

“Is there breakfast?” he asks.

“Mara made some bread I think,” Amanda replies.

“Bread? Are there no eggs?” he asks.

They both look at me.

“I used them to make bread and noodles…”

He walks over to my pot on the stove. He looks in it. “What’s this?”

“Something for later. Chicken, ” Amanda tells him.

“It’s going to be soup. Chicken noodle, but I thought I’d add some of the stuff from the garden too,” I tell them.

“Where’d you get chicken?” he asks.

“She killed it.”

Spencer looks at me. “You killed a chicken?”

I nod my head.

When I was alone I was scared, wasn’t sure if I could do this, if I wanted to do this alone, but right now they’re pissing me off and I wish they would leave and I was alone. Is it really so strange that I killed a chicken?

“I have stuff to do,” I say getting up.

I run a knife around the edges of the pumpkin bread in the loaf pan, then turn it upside down shaking the loaf of bread out, then do the same for the other one.

I get a big plate out of the cabinet, set on the table and set the bread on it.

I take the pans to the sink and wash and dry them. Then I wipe the inside with a little bit of oil.

I peek at the bread dough, it’s perfect. I take the bowl over to the table and dump it where there’s still some flour. I knead it slightly, punch it down, shape it into a loaf and drop it into one of the pans. Then I do the same for the other one.

I put them both into the oven.

“When did you become Miss pioneer woman?” Spencer asks.

I ignore him. I check the chicken. She’s cooking nicely and smells delicious. I gather all my scraps like carrot peels and onion skin and put it in a scrap bucket to take out to the animals later after the guts have cooked a bit.

I try to pay no attention to either Amanda or Spencer even though I’m dying to ask Spencer if he knows where Eddie has gone off to.

Amanda is slicing some pumpkin bread, Spencer is just standing there being annoying somehow. Okay, he’s not being annoying, but I just find him beyond annoying now.

Maybe I should pack some stuff, food, clothes, stuff I need to survive I guess like our old tent and sleeping bag, gun? I should probably bring one…but would I ever shoot anyone?

I just need to get the fuck out of here, leave these assholes that don’t even want me here.

Honestly though, I can’t leave the animals. No one would take care of them and they would die a slow and shitty death.

“Mara!”

I look over at Amanda.

“Jeez…I’ve been talking to you for like ten minutes, where’s your head today?”

I shake my head at her.

“Well, I was saying, if Eddie decides to come back with the truck, we should maybe head to the city like you’ve been wanting. Might be too late to find anything we can use, but we won’t know until we try.”

“I guess you guys could go. We all can’t go. We can’t leave the house empty,” I tell her.

“That sounds like a good idea, we’ll go and her and Eddie can stay here and either fuck and make up, or fight and see who wins,” Spencer says and laughs.

I look at him…wonder why he’s so mean.

“I need to go check the cow…” I say and wander out to the barn. I realize once I get outside that I didn’t even stop to put my boots on, but I had to get away from them. I hate that I feel like Amanda would choose Spencer over me if it came down to it.

I stay outside. Just mess around with stuff in the barn, check all the animals, just stupid stuff so I don’t have to go back inside. Fuck them.

I thought I was in love…but I guess I wasn’t. Maybe…I really don’t know. I wish he was here. I want him. I need him.

Maybe we can talk. I can ask him if it’s all true. I know it is, otherwise, he would have denied it last night, and Spencer had no reason to say it if it wasn’t true, but I want him to look at me, look me in the eye and admit it all to me. I want him to say all of that horrible stuff to me, and see if he can walk away.

Maybe I should have talked to him last night…what is he even going to say? Sorry? That’s pretty meaningless if you really said the stuff…even thought that way.

When I go back inside, it’s quiet again. I wonder where they went? I check my bread, looks good, check and stir the chicken, it smells so good. I can’t wait for it to be finished tonight. We haven’t had anything like fresh homemade soup in forever.

And we’ll have fresh bread to go with it, just wish we had butter. Oh well…it will be fine without.

I busy myself the rest of the morning doing dishes and cleaning up which means I had to go get water. I wonder where Amanda and Spencer are and why they didn’t get it?

Oh well, maybe they are planning on leaving and that’s why they want to go to the city? I need to start assuming that one day…and maybe one day soon…I’ll be on my own.

I’m putting dishes away when I hear the sound of an engine, then it stops. He’s back. Well I guess it’s him, it could be some random stranger I suppose, but really chances are it’s him.

I freeze. I don’t know if I want to run outside and hug him because I missed him and was afraid he would never come back, or go out there and punch him in the face for the stuff he said and for leaving me, or just stand here frozen not knowing what to do. That seems like the best idea.

I put the last dish in the drainer, then wipe out the sink. I check the chicken, stir it, the meat is starting to fall off the bones, perfect I think smiling.

I add more pepper and some poultry seasoning, then take a sip of the broth, delicious.

I hear a car door open and shut. I mess around with the chicken nervously. Stirring it around in the pot, trying to get some of the meat off the bones.

I hear voices. Eddie saying something, and I start to wonder who he’s talking to, then I hear Amanda, and soon Spencer. When did they go outside?

I wonder for a few seconds what they’re talking about, but then realize I don’t really care. Probably making plans for what they’re all going to do without me, or discussing where it is that he had to go today. And none of that interests me…okay I wish it didn’t interest me, so I’ll pretend it doesn’t.

The chicken will probably be nearly done in about an hour. Then I can take it out of the pot, let it cool a bit and start pulling the rest of the meat off the bones.

I can add all the fresh veggies and let them cook while I work on processing the chicken.

I can hear footsteps walking up the back steps. It’s him…I know it is.

The door opens and he comes into the kitchen…he hesitates for a few seconds…then I hear him going quickly up the stairs.

That’s nice…seems like he really missed me. I guess all of those things are true. I was just good enough to fuck, but not good for anything else.

He didn’t shut the door, lazy asshole, so I start walking towards it to shut it when Amanda and Spencer come running in, Amanda is laughing about something.

“So did he tell you?” she asks me.

“Eddie? He didn’t say a word to me.”

“Are you serious?” she says to me, then turns to Spencer. “What is wrong with him?”

Spencer shrugs his shoulders, “Maybe he changed his mind?”

“What…in the five seconds it took him to walk inside?” she says walking away from him and towards the stairs.

“What are you going to do? Go ask him…” Spencer starts but Amanda cuts him off.

“No, I’m not asking him shit. I don’t really care what he does, just thought Mara would, and I kinda feel like at least after everything, he owes her something. At least an explanation maybe…but he owes her something,” she says.

I feel so awkward standing in here with them. I would go up to my room, but what if Eddie is in there? That would be even more awkward.

“Yeah I guess…but why are you going upstairs then if you’re not talking to him?” Spencer asks Amanda.

“I’m going to grab a jacket, it’s cold outside. Thought we could bring in the water like we need to before we go,” she says and runs up the stairs.

Spencer looks at me awkwardly, like he wants to say something, but isn’t sure what.

He walks over to the table and slices off a piece of pumpkin bread and takes a bite.

“This is really good. When Amanda said it was made from pumpkin I thought it would be really gross, I’ve never had anything like it, but it’s really good. So…um…thanks for making it for us,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” I sort of mumble.

I walk over and stir the chicken. “I’m making soup, for dinner. Well, it was supposed to be for dinner but will probably be finished a lot sooner. Although we do usually eat pretty early since it gets dark so early now…” I say rambling.

“Yeah…it smells really good. I hope we’re back before too late,” he replies.

“You guys are going to the city?”

He nods his head. “Yeah. Might not be anything left that we can use, but there might be. Food, seeds I guess too, but really whatever we find that can be used somehow. Eddie said he would stay here with you, maybe you guys could talk…”

I smile nervously, shrug my shoulders. “Yeah,” I sigh, “Seems like we need to. But you guys are coming back?”

“We planned on it. I mean, why would we leave? I guess if you wanted us to we would, it’s your place, but I hope you let us stay.”

I shake my head. “No, I just thought after everything last night that maybe all of you planned on leaving…”

“Why did you make so much food then?” he asks laughing.

“Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe to prove that I can do this on my own if I had to. I killed a chicken today! I’ve never done that before. But I knew if I wanted to survive I had to prove to myself that I could do it.”

“That was so badass of you. I honestly never would have thought you could do something like that.”

“I’ve seen my dad do it so many times, and I couldn’t do it like he did, but I did get it done,” I say laughing slightly.

Amanda comes back downstairs wearing one of the jackets we got from Tim and Rachel’s house. It fits her perfectly and she looks really nice in it.

“Hey…we’re going to go to the city…” she starts to say.

“Yeah, Spencer told me. Just be careful. You’re taking guns aren’t you?”

“Spencer has a couple. I’m not touching one, I’d just shoot myself,” she says.

“We really need to take you girls…ladies…out shooting,” Spencer says.

“Tomorrow maybe?” I suggest.

“I think Eddie has plans for tomorrow…if he’s still planning on staying here. Did you talk to him while you were up there?” Spencer asks Amanda.

She shakes her head. “I thought about it, but when I went to their room, he was laying across the bed, so I thought he might be sleeping. Didn’t look like he wanted to be disturbed at least, so I left him alone. You know you can come with us if you don’t want to stay here with him,” she tells me.

“I probably need to stay…try to figure things out with him. If he plans on talking to me that is…”

“If he leaves, like comes down here and decides he isn’t staying and leaves you here alone, I’m going to find him and kick his ass,” Amanda says.

I smile. “I’ll be fine, really I will. You guys go find us lots of good stuff, and have fun maybe?”

They pack some food and fill two stainless steel bottles up with water before they leave.

I check the bread, almost finished, but the oven needs more wood. I add a few pieces of wood to it to keep the fire going.

I stir the chicken and it’s ready to be taken out and have the meat taken off. I get a big platter out of the cabinet and set it on the counter near the stove. I set a couple hot pads on the counter next to the platter so I can move the pot over next to it.

I carefully carry it over there and set it down. I get two big forks out of the drawer, get the chicken out of the pot and set it on the platter. I skim around in the pot looking for any bones that may have gotten left in there and find a couple, so I scoop them out.

When I’m finished I carry the pot back to the stove and add in all the fresh veggies, I’ll add the canned ones after the fresh ones have cooked a bit since they won’t have to cook as long.

After I get all the veggies added, I sit and eat another piece of pumpkin bread while waiting for the chicken to cool enough so I can touch it.

I wonder if I should go upstairs and see if Eddie is packing. Packing what though? I don’t think he should take much more than he brought when he came. Maybe some food, but he can’t have a lot of it and he is not taking the truck.

It’s really quiet up there…silent actually…so whatever he’s doing he’s very quiet about it.

The chicken is cool enough for me to work with now so I start pulling all of the meat off the carcass and tossing it back into the pot. I’ll let it all cook for a bit, then add the canned veggies, then once that cooks a bit I’ll add the noodles and then soon after it will be time to eat.

While working with the chicken I go through what I plan to do tomorrow. I know they said Eddie had some sort of plans…but who knows if he’s really going to stay and go through with them.

I’ll make tuna casserole, I hope everyone likes it. I know it’s one of those things that some people don’t like, but really we can’t be too picky now.

I’ll leave the noodles spread out on the counters tonight to dry a bit. After I eat dinner tonight I can gather up the other stuff I’ll need. Cans of tuna, mushroom soup and maybe toss in a can of peas.

Should be bread leftover to have with it.

I swear tomorrow I will milk the cow and the goats and make butter. It’s so easy to make, just takes time and arm strength. But I should be able to do it

We really need wood. Need to start chopping some every day so we have enough for the winter. In just a few weeks, maybe a month, we’ll have snow on the ground, and it might stay for a bit, so we need to be ready.

Also should go get any gas we can find and hay for the animals. I think we have enough feed to last them through the winter, but what will we do after that? There’s none left at the feed store. I guess we can go to all the farms close by and take theirs.

I stir the soup as I add the chicken in. After it’s all in I open the canned veggies and add them, I taste it, needs more pepper and maybe some garlic, but it’s really good already and I can’t wait to eat it.

I keep busy slicing bread, finishing the soup, I take any scraps I have out to the animals and visit with them a bit.

I actually forget that Eddie is here. Is he here? He could have left while I was outside. If he’s still here…what the hell is he doing for so long upstairs? Packing? He isn’t taking anything of mine…asshole…

He wouldn’t do anything stupid, would he? Like overdose or something equally as stupid…I hope.

Yeah okay, I probably still love him. Stupidly love him. Why? Is it because he’s probably the last man alive near my age, that I find pretty damned attractive and that seems to be attracted to me…maybe? Was I just a fuck?

The soup is all but finished so I add some wood to the fire it to get a small boil going and then add my noodles. I let them cook for a few minutes until they’re tender then make myself a bowl. I take the pot off the burner and put a lid on it to keep it as hot as I can until Amanda and Spencer get back. If they get back. I mean of course they’ll be back, why would they leave? We have pretty much everything we need here.

I take one of the slices of bread to the table with my bowl of soup and sit down to eat. I take a bite and regret it instantly since it’s so hot.

I realize I forgot to get a glass of water so I get up and pour me one and bring it to the table. When I sit back down I hear someone walking around upstairs. It has to be Eddie. I guess he’s still here. I could get up now and go outside, or in another room, or somewhere else, but I need to be the adult one I guess and sit here and see if he plans on talking to me or what he plans on doing.

I stay there, eat my soup. After about a minute I hear him walking down the stairs. I feel slightly like I might throw up.

He stops at the bottom of the stairs. Just stands there. I look up at him…he’s looking at me. We look at each other for a few seconds…a minute…

“That smells good,” he finally says.

“It’s pretty good…do you want some?”

He nods his head. “Yeah…um…in a minute…I need to go outside first…” he says.

“Alright…I’ll get it ready for you.”

After he goes out the back door, I get up and get a bowl out of the cabinet and fill it for him. I set some of the sliced bread on an empty plate and bring it to the table with his bowl of soup.

I should probably get him some water too…maybe…fuck him, he can do it himself.

I sit back down and eat more of my soup. I hate that I feel nervous now. I kinda wish in a way he wouldn’t come back in. Maybe he left.

I wish Amanda would get back. I think I’d feel better if she was here. But I also think Eddie and I need to talk.

I can hear him coming up the back porch steps. When he comes in I notice his cheeks and nose are slightly red.

“Is it that cold out?” I ask him.

He looks at me confused, shrugs his shoulders.

“Your cheeks and nose are red.”

“Oh…yeah it’s getting there,” he says.

He comes over and stands next to me, reaches around and touches the back of my neck with his hand. I immediately get chills and my nipples get hard.

“Cold?” he asks.

I look up at him and see he’s staring at my boobs. I cross my arms over my chest.

“Yeah pretty cold…” I reply.

He moves his hand around and up to my cheek. He caresses it briefly. looking at me. I want to move away from him. Push his hand away. He did say those awful things about me…but I can’t move him away.

I reach my hand up and touch his hand. Hold it closer to my cheek. Bring it to my lips and kiss it.

He looks at me and sighs. “I wanted to talk to you last night. I won’t deny that stuff Spencer said…can’t deny it…it’s all true. It was true…not so much now…” he starts saying.

“Eddie…let’s eat first…then we can talk. We can’t really warm our soup up now if we let it get cold, so let’s eat, then we can talk about all of this.”

He nods his head. “You’re right. I do want to say sorry. And yeah I did say all of that, but so much has changed, I don’t still feel like that.”

Dinner, I guess this is dinner, goes well. Quiet, but it goes okay.

“So Spencer said you have plans for tomorrow…” I ask questioning Eddie.

He nods his head since he has a mouthful of food.

“We really need to investigate the other animal situation. If there are any animals left alive, they’re going to be as bad off or maybe worse than the cow. If we wait any longer there’s not going to be any animals left, and then what?”

I nod my head agreeing. We really do need to see if there are any other animals alive.

“And we need to go shooting. Amanda doesn’t even know how to shoot. You said you did sort of. Sadly in the fucked up world we live in now, you need to be a good shot,” he says.

“Where did you go this morning?” I ask him completely changing the subject.

He looks away from me. He’s biting his bottom lip. He seems nervous.

“Um…to uh…” he sighs, “I wanted to…”

“Can’t you just tell me? Is it that bad?”

He finally looks at me…stares…sighs again. “At first I was just going to take off. Thought, fuck them. Spencer is an asshole ratting me out, Amanda a bitch for always taking his side, and then you…”

“Me? What did I do?” I ask.

“What did you do? You did the worst thing of all,” he says.

What did I ever do to him? I’m so confused.

My confusion must show on my face, he asks me, “You really don’t know?”

I pause to think for a few seconds, then shrug my shoulders and shake my head.

He gets up and walks over closer to me. He holds a hand out to me. I look at it for a second, then look up into those blue eyes, those eyes I’m afraid I’ll never be able to say no to. I take his hand and stand up.

He pulls me into his arms and squeezes me tightly. He lets go, kisses my cheek. “You my little Mara, you made me fall in love with you. It was literally the last thing I had on my mind when we came here. And yeah I said some stupid shit, really mean stuff, and for that I’m sorry, but I love you Mara, I honestly love you.”

“Am I still just a fuck?”

“I’m never going to live that down am I?” he asks.

I step back away from him so I can look at him. “No, you’re not. I’m not going to just smile and think oh he didn’t mean it, or think, well he’s sorry now so it’s all good. You literally thought all I was good for was sex. And even after we talked, yeah only for a couple minutes but still we had met and briefly talked and you still decided you would fuck me and then maybe get rid of me to have all of our stuff. You’re a fucking asshole for all of that and if I forgive you then I’m foolish.”

“So you’re never going to forgive me? Is there any point then in trying to have a relationship? Should I just leave?” he asks.

I shake my head. “No. I don’t want you to leave. I want to try to work this out.” I sigh. “I love you Eddie. For some fucked up reason I love you. I’ve thought about this so much and even if you weren’t the last man on earth, I would still be in love with you. So we need to try to work this out.”

He takes one of my hands, kisses the back of it.

“I will tell you this…if it doesn’t work out, you’re not taking the truck. It’s ours. If you had left and taken it, I would have found you and taken it back,” I tell him smiling.

“You scare me a little bit…you know that don’t you?”

I nod my head. “Good. You should be scared of me. At least a little.”

I work on dishes and cleaning the kitchen after we finish dinner. Since we ate so early and there’s still light for a while, Eddie decides to cut some wood.

While I’m alone again I think of what I want in life now. I guess I’m hoping we can work things out between Eddie and me. It would be weird to be the third wheel to Amanda and Spencer for the rest of my life, but I won’t stay with Eddie just to be with someone.

And I do love him so I really want things to work out.

When I’m almost finished with the dishes my back is aching. I remember I was feeling a little crampy earlier and when I’m crampy and my back hurts it usually means my period is coming the next day. I guess that’s a good thing, at least I know I’m not pregnant. That would be really shitty if I was pregnant right now. The world is gone. How would I be able to take care of a baby in this world? Who would even deliver a baby?

I go outside to check on Eddie after I get all the dishes washed, dried and put away. I stand and watch him chop wood for a minute. He really is beautiful. I wish it was warm out and he had his shirt off…but maybe I can ask him to get naked with me later…

Mara! No! Don’t forget the mean things he said. Make him work to get back in your life. He needs to earn the right to be my boyfriend again…but damn he looks fine right now.

I feel stupid thinking like this. Come on Mara you are way more level headed than this!

I quietly sneak back inside. I don’t want him to know I was watching him. I remember back to the one night I watched him out the kitchen window when he was touching himself. Thinking about it brings back that same tingle I felt when it was happening.

When I come back inside I go down to the basement to get the stuff for dinner tomorrow. I get two cans of tuna, then decide to grab another one. Two cans of mushroom soup too. I hope that’s enough. I guess I could dilute it. We do have some evaporated milk I could use or broth. A can of peas is the only other thing I need.

I take it all upstairs and set it on the counter.

In a way, I hate that there’s so much to do now just to survive, but in a way, I guess it’s a good thing because it gives us something to do. It’s not like we can watch tv or anything like that now. I even hate to read or do anything that needs light after the sun goes down.

There is that one thing we could do…don’t need light for that…we can’t do that all the time though.

I’m so bored. It will be dark soon so Eddie will come in, and hopefully, Amanda and Spencer plan on coming back, but what can we do then? They’ll just want to eat and go to bed probably.

Is Eddie planning on sleeping with me tonight? Will it be awkward if he does?

I think about making a cake or something, but I cooked all day and we have so much food we need to eat already so I figure it’s not a good idea.

I do think we should start making bread at least a few times a week. The flour hopefully will last all winter, and the yeast too, but then what? What do we do when everything is gone? When there is no flour, or yeast, or canned tuna?

I’m still sitting there spacing out wondering if there’s any point in trying to survive when Eddie comes in.

He’s talking…and talking…but I have no idea what he’s talking about. Rambling on about nonsense probably.

He’s suddenly standing behind me, hands on my shoulders.

“Don’t you think?” he asks.

I nod my head. Shrug my shoulders. “Yeah…”

“Think we should worry?” he asks.

I look back at him. “Worry?”

“About Amanda and Spencer. I just asked you if you thought they’d been gone a long time…didn’t you hear me?”

I nod my head. “Sorry…I guess I’ve been thinking about stuff.”

He sits in the chair next to me. “Stuff? Us?”

“For a change, no. Just thinking about stuff like food and what are we going to do when everything is gone?”

“We’re working on that tomorrow. Try to find other animals…” he starts to say.

“Okay great, we find other animals, and we breed them, but we’re going to run out of feed eventually and then what are they going to eat? And what about stuff like flour? Or yeast? Stuff like that. Toilet paper?”

He looks at me. He gets up and walks over to the sink, looks out the window over it. “I don’t know Mara. I’m doing the best I can. I don’t have all the answers. I’m trying…what more can I do?” he asks.

“Give up?” I suggest.

“Not an option.”

“Why not? Tell me one reason, just one, for staying alive?” I ask him.

“Do we have to talk about this all the time? I don’t fucking know. Let’s just live day to day…can we do that? Today started off shitty, but hopefully it can end better. Does that sound like a plan?”

“I don’t know…” I start. I want to say well we can’t take it day by day, we have to plan for the future or we won’t eat, but we both can hear the sound of an engine so that means either they’re on the way back, or it’s someone else coming, and either way we need to check it out.

When we see that it is Amanda and Spencer, we both go out on the back porch.

Amanda looks at me when they pull up. She gets out and runs up the porch steps.

“So how is everything here?” she asks me.

I shrug my shoulders.

Spencer gets out and walks to the back of the truck and starts getting stuff out. “So did you guys fuck and make up, or do we get to listen to that tonight?”

I ignore him. Probably what I should do from now on.

“Did you guys get any good stuff?” I ask Amanda.

“Yeah. We got more seeds for next summer, but we also got clothes, boring stuff like that I guess. Let them unload it all and get me some soup, I’ve been thinking about it all day,” she says.

“Or we could all grab some stuff and bring it in, then eat while we tell them about the trip,” Spencer says.

“I suppose we could do that…” Amanda tells him.

We each get as much stuff as we can out of the truck and take it into the kitchen.

There’s only a few things we couldn’t get, so Eddie and Spencer go out and get them.

I put the pot of soup back on the hot burner to warm it up for them.

I get bowls out, get them each a glass of water, and stir the soup, while they start going through the boxes of stuff.

At first it’s just mostly clothes, but luckily it’s stuff we can use like socks and some underwear. Also shirts and stuff good for layering.

“Where did you guys go?” I ask them.

“Just to that strip mall, the one a little after the high school. I want to go to Walmart some day, we really need to,” Amanda says.

“We do. There might be a bunch of stuff there we can use,” Eddie says.

“Look at what else I got,” Amanda says digging through a box.

“What?” I ask.

She starts tossing stuff to me. Lacy underwear, fancy bras and nighties.

Spencer picks one of the nighties up. A red sheer one. “Wear this one tonight,” he tells her.

“You said you got seeds,” I say trying to change the subject.

“Yeah. In that box I think,” she says pointing to a box near Eddie.

He looks in it, gets some out. “There’s some in here. And some soda? Why’d you get soda?”

“I haven’t had any in so long. Oh my god, I’ve been dying for one,” Amanda says.

“Well…here,” Eddie says holding one out to her.

She opens it, sniffs it, takes a drink, and coughs. “It’s so good. We have to find more soda the next time we’re out.”

The soup is hot, so I get them each a bowl full and bring it to the table.

We all sit at the table and talk while they eat.

“Mara this is so good. I’ve been thinking about it all day today. I couldn’t wait to get home and eat some. I’ve missed real food,” Amanda says after a few bites.

“It is really good Mara. Thanks for making it,” Spencer says.

“I’m glad it turned out so good, or maybe we just think it tastes good since we’ve been eating mostly canned stuff for a long time,” I say laughing.

“It’s good…really good. I like when you cook,” Eddie says.

I look over at him and wonder if things are always going to be awkward between us.

“I think I’m going to go to bed…I didn’t sleep very well last night…” I tell them.

“Take something pretty to wear to bed…I know Eddie will appreciate it,” Spencer says.

I look at all the clothes laying on the table, I have no desire to try to be sexy for him tonight, I don’t even know if he plans on sleeping with me tonight.

“No thanks, I’d rather be warm,” I say and start walking towards the stairs.

“You wear one of these I guarantee Eddie will keep you very warm,” Spencer says laughing.

I ignore him, just go upstairs to my room.

I sit on my bed for a few minutes. I really want things to work out between all of us. I wish Spencer cared that a lot of what he says upsets me and then he wouldn’t say stupid stuff. It makes it tense between all of us. Things between Amanda and me, or Eddie and me. It gets tense and weird.

I want all of us to be comfortable together.

I take off my clothes and put on warm pajamas. I pull the covers back to make sure there’s nothing hiding in the bed. After I make sure it’s clear, I get in bed.

I wonder if Eddie is going to sleep with me? He slept in here earlier, but I wasn’t in here.

I guess I start to doze off because I feel him crawl in bed behind me, snuggle into my back.

“You feel amazing. So warm, it’s freezing out there. I’m so cold,” he says in my ear.

“Maybe you should wear more to bed…” I suggest.

“Or maybe you should lose some clothes so we can warm each other up…”

“I am warm…you’re the one who should have dressed better for bed,” I tell him.

“I really wanted to be close to you…I missed you last night when you wouldn’t talk to me.”

He is not going to guilt me into anything. Okay yeah, I want nothing more than to roll over and face him, kiss him, fuck him…but I refuse to do that tonight.

I feel him nuzzling the back of my neck, kissing it. His hand he had resting on my belly he moves slowly up resting it right under my boobs. He moves his hips in closer. One of his feet slowly rubbing up and down my calf.

“I missed you…didn’t you miss me at all?” he asks.

“Yeah, I did. I cried for you…stupidly. I won’t cry over you again. I refuse to ever be that stupid.”

His hand moves up, he cups my boob, plays with my nipple with his thumb.

I reach up and grab his hand, move it down off my boob. “What are you doing?” I ask him.

“Touching you. I like touching you. And I kinda thought we could mess around…fuck maybe…I missed you.”

I roll over so I’m facing him. I hate talking to him when I can’t see him. Not like I can see much even when I’m facing him though since it’s dark out and only about a quarter moon and really overcast tonight. I’m afraid it’s going to snow sooner than we think and we won’t be prepared.

“I do like touching you…and I like doing…that with you too. But not tonight because I’m upset with you,” I explain to him.

“Are you going to eventually get over this? I hate this. Yeah, I said some really shitty stuff…but then…then I got to know you…fell in love…”

“Yeah…but still…I feel like you need to earn my love. Okay, not earn…well maybe in a way. Like you need to prove to me that you really love me. You aren’t here just for a place to live. Access to all the food we have. If you leave you’re taking not much more than you came with,” I say.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asks.

“No,” I reply quickly.

“You just plan on making me suffer for a couple days? A week?”

I snuggle closer to him, this time I nuzzle his neck. I love the way he smells, which is weird I guess because he doesn’t smell particularly good. After cutting wood today he smells kind of sweaty, earthy, or something. I guess I’ve gotten used to how we all smell now. I try to stay clean and smelling acceptable, but it’s not like we can shower every day, or ever really.

I inhale deeply, so deep I can almost taste him. In a way, his musky scent is kind of a turn on to me. I inhale him deeply again, feel that tingle between my legs.

I won’t let this happen tonight. I try to push him away, he holds tightly on to me so I can’t move away. I can feel his hard cock pressing into me.

He roughly nuzzles my neck. It tickles since he hasn’t shaved for several days. He’s kissing my neck, sucking on it, gently biting it.

He pulls my shirt down in front exposing one of my boobs. He licks my nipple, sucks on it, then bites it.

He does it again, sucks on my nipple, then bites it. I instinctively smack him.

“Don’t…that hurts,” I tell him.

He doesn’t seem to care that I smacked him, or to hear me.

He moves one of his hands down between us and pulls his boxers down in front. He kisses me again, rams his tongue into my mouth.

Okay, this is going to stop now. I push him back hard this time.

“Just relax Mara…you know you want this. Quit playing the innocent little girl and just accept it,” he says.

Do I want this? I know when I was sniffing him I was starting to feel some excitement…a little aroused, but I don’t think I should just take him back so willingly.

Maybe I do want this. I should just give in and relax…try to enjoy it.

I hear Amanda laughing in her room, then Spencer laughing.

“Try to be more like Amanda…not so uptight all the damned time. Just fucking relax,” Eddie says.

“Maybe you should go get in bed with them…you know if you like her better…”

“I bet she’s more open to stuff. Trying new stuff…” he starts to say.

“Stuff like what? What have I ever denied you?”

He’s not listening to me, he’s back to biting my neck. Maybe I should try to reason with him. We can’t have sex tonight. I refuse.

“Eddie…it’s late…we should try to sleep…we have plans for tomorrow,” I say.

Nothing. It’s like this asshole has suddenly gone deaf. I guess I should just give in. No point in trying to say no, he’s not listening.

He thrusts his hips in closer, making me spread my legs.

“Are you going to take your clothes off…or should I do it for you?” he asks me.

I give in. I let it happen. I even decide to participate…sort of.

I move so I’m laying more on my back. He moves with me, on top of me.

“You’re going to have to let me up so I can take my clothes off,” I tell him.

He keeps groping at me, not listening to me at all.

“Unless you’re planning on doing it…” I say.

He kisses me so hard on my lips, I taste blood. I turn my head hoping he’ll stop kissing me. Luckily he does. He moves down to my neck, kissing it, sucking on it. I lick the inside of my bottom lip and feel a small cut. When he kissed me hard my lip must have gotten cut on my teeth.

I would say something to him about it, but he’s not listening to me at all so I’m sure he would ignore this too.

“Take these off,” he says pulling at my pants.

I reach down and grip the waist of both my panties and pajama pants and start to push them down. Eddie moves off me slightly, reaches up with one of his hands, grabs my pants and pulls them and my underwear down and off quickly, and drops them on the floor.

“Really wish you would just come to bed naked…no point in wearing all this shit that’s just going to come off…” I hear him mumbling to himself.

Why is he acting like this?

He moves around a bit, spreading my legs apart more, him getting back on top of me.

“Do you want me to leave my shirt on?” I ask him.

He reaches a hand up my shirt and squeezes one of my boobs. “You do have the best tits I’ve ever seen. And felt. Kissed. And one day, soon, I want to fuck them.”

He pushes my shirt up, kisses from my belly button up to between my boobs. Licks there. Licks my nipples. Sucks on them.

My body is starting to react to his touch. My nipples getting hard. And that damn tingle between my legs coming back.

I reach down and run my fingers through his hair, play with that mess of curls. He looks up at me. I wish I could see him better. Wish there was some sort of light in here. He moves up so he’s laying on me now, his face just an inch or so from mine.

I can see him a bit better now, he has a slight smirk on his lips, but his brow is all furrowed like he’s angry or something.

I reach up, touch his cheek, cup it. I brush my thumb across his lips. He kisses it.

I start to ask him what’s wrong, but he thrusts his cock into me so roughly I gasp.

He keeps doing it over and over grunting with each thrust.

Who is this guy? Where is my sweet Eddie? This guy I can believe would have said all of that nasty stuff about me.

He turns his head so he’s not looking at me. His curls falling across my face. I feel so alone right now. It’s weird that I can feel so alone when we’re doing the most intimate thing that should bring two people as close as possible, but I feel alone.

I realize he’s not even laying on me like he usually does when we fuck. He’s as far away from me as he can be and still be fucking me.

What happened? Is it over between us?

He thrusts in so hard, I move up slightly in the bed, nearly bang my head on the headboard.

He collapses on me, lays still. I’m not sure what to do. I really really just want to push him off of me, onto the floor possibly and tell him to pack his shit and just leave…tonight.

But there’s part of me that loves him and I just want to touch him, reach up and caress his back, his shoulders. I want to shower his shoulders with kisses. Nuzzle his neck and ear and whisper I love you.

I don’t know what to do. I wish my mom was still alive so I could talk to her…although I don’t think I would have ever been able to talk to her about sex…maybe one day I could have.

I suppose I could talk to Amanda…but things have been kind of weird between us lately. I hate that we’ve all divided, it’s now them against us. At least I feel like it is. Or I did…now I’m not even sure about that. How does Eddie feel about me now? He said earlier that he loves me, but after what just happened I don’t know if that’s true.

He still hasn’t moved. Since his dick slid out of me I can feel stuff dripping out, running down my butt onto the bed. I hate laying here with the bed under me getting wet. I wish he would move so I can move. I wonder if he fell asleep?

I reach my hand up and touch the small of his back, right above his butt. He jumps slightly.

He turns his head so he’s looking at me. He reaches up and touches my hair, runs his fingers through it for a minute. He kisses my cheek.

He slides off of me, lays next to me. He has one of his legs still laying over mine.

He keeps playing with my hair, staring at me, doesn’t say anything.

The rooster wakes me up in the morning. It’s so cold in here today. We may have to find more blankets to put on our beds or we’re going to freeze at night.

I roll over to see if Eddie is still asleep but I’m in bed alone.

I lay there trying to remember what happened last night. Maybe none of that happened? Maybe it was all just a bad dream. Maybe Eddie hasn’t been home since the night everyone argued.

I throw the covers back and sit up and see I’m naked so I think it all did happen. And as much as I hate what happened last night…I hope he didn’t leave.

I walk over to the window that faces the backyard, the barn and where we park to see if the truck is still here, but the window is all icy and it’s hard to see out of it. I use my fingernail to scratch a small spot in the ice off and I can see the truck is still here so I guess Eddie is too.

I start getting dressed. I need a lot of layers to stay warm today. And as soon as I get downstairs I need to start a fire in the stove, one in the fireplace in the living room too.

I put on a clean pair of underwear, then some long underwear pants, then jeans over them. I put on my bra, then a long sleeve tee shirt, a short sleeve tee shirt and then a sweatshirt. I put on some boot socks and pull them up over my long underwear, but under my jeans.

That’s a little better. I kinda want to wear gloves too, but that will have to wait until I get all my morning chores finished.

I go down to the kitchen and don’t see any signs that anyone else is awake, or even here. I guess I was sort of hoping Eddie was up and had gotten water for us already. I quickly go to the bathroom to pee. The toilet seat is so cold. I’m sure the toilet is too. I bet my pee will freeze as soon as it hits the toilet. We’re running low on toilet paper. We’re going to have to drive to the next closest store soon for supplies.

I finish in the bathroom then head to the backdoor to slip my boots on and go outside to take care of the animals.

I reach up to grab my dad’s jacket off the coat rack by the door and it’s not there. As far as I can remember, it was here. Maybe I packed it away after he died and I just don’t remember.

I grab my coat and put it on and go outside.

I’m only slightly surprised to see the barn door open. I guess Eddie is up and has already started working on feeding the animals.

When I go in the barn he’s in there…wearing my dad’s coat. I guess he figured it was okay with me since I let him wear his boots. And really I guess it doesn’t matter.

“I started to feed the pig and let him outside, but I wasn’t sure if he should go outside with it being so cold out,” he says.

I nod my head yes.

Eddie comes closer to me. “I can let him out?”

I nod my head again. It seems weird that he’s just talking to me normally. Nothing about what happened last night. Maybe it didn’t happen?

“He won’t be too cold?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“Alright, I guess I’ll let him out and feed him.”

I nod my head.

He takes the bucket of feed over to the pig’s pen, opens the gate for the pig and lets him out, then he walks over to the trough and dumps the feed in it.

He does the same for the goats.

“I gave the cow some food and some hay. She pooped, so that’s good. I shoveled it up and tossed it outside. I guess we can keep it with the other animal shit for the garden next year,” he says.

He stands and looks at me. I’m still standing in the doorway, just standing there trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my life.

“I took care of the chickens already. I did them first since I wasn’t sure what to do about the pig and goats. There were only three eggs. Does that sound right?” he asks.

I absentmindedly nod my head.

“They don’t lay as much when it’s cold right?” he asks.

I nod my head again.

He reaches a hand up, touches my cheek. He looks at me, furrowed brow, and concerned look on his face. “Are you alright this morning? You’re quiet.”

I stare at him trying to figure out if he seriously doesn’t know what’s wrong with me or if he’s playing dumb.

“How about I go get the water and bring it in and you try to figure out what we can make for breakfast?” he suggests.

I once again nod my head.

He leans over and kisses me.

“Maybe start a fire in the stove, try to warm the house up a bit too,” he says.

“Yeah,” I mumble.

I turn away and start to walk towards the house…but he grabs my arm, turns me towards him.

He stares at me for a few seconds…a minute…I start to feel nervous. I try to pull my arm away so I can go inside. but he holds onto it tightly.

“Eddie…it’s cold…can I go now?”

“Yeah…sorry. I…um…I just wanted to say…sometimes I don’t know how to talk to people…or I say or do the wrong thing. And…I’m sorry. I know most of the time saying sorry means nothing…but I really mean it. I never want to hurt you…ever…and when I know I have it hurts me. I just don’t know what to do. I need to change…I know I do. Maybe you can help me?”

I nod my head.

“I wish you would talk to me. I know last night…” he sighs. “Last night I did…I was…rough…I’m sorry. I just needed to know that you still love me, and somehow that meant having sex. I know sex doesn’t equal love, but for some reason last night it did to me. If you can’t forgive me, I understand. I do love you, Mara, I’m shit at showing it though.”

He reaches up and wipes my cheek.

“Don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’ve never had a serious girlfriend before. Never had anyone in my life that I was in love with, so I’m shitty at showing it. Just please, give me some time,” he says.

I hate that he can always seem to make me cry.

He pulls me to him, wraps his arms around me.

“I’m an idiot for how I treat you. I promise I’m going to work on being a better person. You deserve it. Let’s get breakfast made and then we’re going to see if we can find some other animals. Or practice shooting. I think we should go to two or three places, check them out, come home and have lunch, then we can shoot for a while, what do you think?”

“Yeah. I’m really doubting any other animals are still alive, but maybe.”

I go back inside the house. It’s so cold in here you can see your breath. I fill the stove with wood and paper and get a fire started.

We’re so lucky my family kept this old wood stove in the kitchen. There were some things my mom preferred cooking in it. Breads for example. She said it had the perfect heat for bread and preferred it over our gas stove.

When Eddie gets in with the water I’ll see if he knows how to start a fire in the fireplace.

He may need to work on chopping more wood today if we have time, if not he needs to tomorrow. I’m afraid we’ll have snow within the next week or two and we’re going to go through a ton of wood.

I stand by the stove and warm my hands for a few minutes and try to think of what to make for breakfast. Not much I can do with three eggs. We could eat leftover soup since there’s some left, but I figured we would have that for lunch. One good thing that came from it being so cold now, food won’t spoil if we leave it out.

Eddie comes in and sets two buckets of water down. He stands next to me by the stove and warms his hands.

“Do you have gloves anywhere? We probably need to be on the lookout for gloves wherever we go now, just to have them,” he says.

“Yeah, my dad always had a bunch but was always losing them too. My mom was always giving him trouble for leaving his gloves everywhere. There’s probably some in the barn, maybe in his office. Are there any in the pockets of his coat?”

Eddie reaches his hands in the pockets and pulls out three different gloves.

I laugh slightly. “See what I mean?”

He smiles, nods his head, and sticks the gloves back in the pockets.

“Do you know how to build a good fire in a fireplace? If we can get it going and keep an eye on it, we can keep it going all day. We’re going to need so much wood to get through the winter.”

“Um…I can try…” he says.

“I’ll do it. You can watch me maybe. You have to build the wood up right or no air can circulate and it smothers. My dad taught me years ago. Let’s get the water on for coffee, then we’ll make a fire, then figure out breakfast,” I tell him.

I show him how to arrange the wood on the fireplace grate so air can circulate between the logs. We ball up newspaper and stuff it under and around the logs.

“We really need to find newspaper, or paper of any kind for the winter. We’re running really low. Maybe one day this week we can work on some lists of what we need for the winter and then go shopping. Once we start getting snow, we’re going to be trapped here,” I tell him.

He nods his head. “Yeah. You’re right. We need to be prepared. And not just for us, for the animals too.”

“The first stop should be the neighbors. They still have clothes we can use. Probably bring all the bedding and towels and stuff like that too. Then I guess we can try the other neighbors. When we go out today if the houses are empty we should look for anything we can use.”

I light a match and light the newspaper in a few spots. We sit on the sofa and watch the fire. Luckily the wood starts to burn and I think the fire will last all day as long as we keep adding wood to it.

He reaches over and holds my hand, kisses the back of it.

“This is nice,” he says.

I smile at him, nod my head.

“Eddie…where’d you go yesterday morning?”

“Um…I thought we already talked about this?”

“Well yeah, sort of. Spencer and Amanda said you had to go do something, but you never told me what you had to go do,” I remind him.

“I went to find something. Don’t ask me what, because I don’t really know. Something to make up with you. I wanted to find something to make you happy. I drove just for a bit because I didn’t want to waste gas. I sat and thought, but couldn’t come up with anything. I was tired so I came back and passed out. I still want to make it all up to you somehow. What can I do for you? Or get for you? What do you miss most that you would like to have?” he asks.

“Well aside from stuff I can’t have back, like my life, or my parents, what I miss most is music. I always was listening to music. I miss it.”

He sighs. “Yeah me too. I always had a record playing or the radio on,” he says.

“What do you miss?” I ask him.

“I guess at first just how much easier life was. Running water…electricity…stuff like that. Heat. Air conditioning. I guess the stuff that spoiled us. Made us weak. Now though, I kinda like actually making things happen. I want to eat so I know we need to take care of the animals, or when it was warmer out we had to take care of the garden. To stay warm and not freeze to death we’re going to have to make sure we have enough wood. Before it was Oh need to send a hundred bucks to the electric company so the furnace will work, now I have to physically do stuff to make sure I don’t freeze to death…we don’t freeze to death.”

“As much as I am enjoying sitting here, the water is probably hot enough for coffee, and we need to start breakfast so we can do all the other stuff we need to get done today,” I tell him.

“Sadly you’re right. I was really enjoying this too. Maybe tonight after dinner we can sit here and enjoy each other,” he says.

He leans over and kisses my cheek, then gets up and offers me a hand. I take his hand and he pulls me up. I hug him, give him a quick kiss then head to the kitchen.

I make french toast for breakfast. About all I could do with three eggs, and luckily we had bread leftover from yesterday.

I open two cans of pears and poach them with some cinnamon and brown sugar.

Breakfast isn’t bad, but it’s kind of boring.

“Tomorrow we should try to milk the cow, maybe the goats. We could really use milk, and butter, and now that it’s cold we could even store it somewhere,” I say.

“We’ll put it on the plan list for tomorrow. Also, make up a list of what we need for the winter, and maybe work on some recipes, or a bigger menu plan, or something. Once the eggs stop, what are we going to do for breakfast?” Eddie asks.

“Oatmeal? Cereal if we start getting milk. Maybe stuff that isn’t really like breakfast food, peanut butter sandwiches if we keep making bread. I don’t know, what do you guys think?” I ask Spencer and Amanda.

“Honestly? I think we should load up the truck and move to Florida. This weather is bullshit,” Spencer says.

Eddie laughs. “We’re not moving to Florida. We wouldn’t make it a state away before we run out of gas. It’s going to take some work, but this is the best place for us, for all of us, for the winter.”

“California?” Spencer says.

“That’s even further away. It’s not going to happen. It’s going to take planning and work, but we’re going to stay right here. We’re going to leave for a bit, check out two or three places. See if anyone is alive, or any animals are alive. Also, check the houses if there empty for anything we can use. Then after lunch, we’ll practice shooting. While we’re gone it would be great if you guys could maybe chop some wood. I did some yesterday, but we need to get as much as we can ready for when it snows,” Eddie explains.

“And please keep an eye on the fire in the fireplace and in the stove to keep them going or it’s going to be miserably cold in here,” I tell them.

We bring some food for our trip. We don’t plan on being gone very long, but who knows what could happen.

I pack the last of the pumpkin bread, a couple peanut butter sandwiches using up the rest of the bread, and a couple protein bars we got at Tim and Rachel’s. Eddie fills one of the stainless steel bottles with the rest of the coffee and I fill another one with water.

We also bring a couple blankets, and he grabs his backpack since it still has supplies in it like first aid stuff, a couple flashlights, bullets, things we could possibly need.

Eddie brings one of the full gas cans with us too, just in case, and of course both of his guns.

We also bring my dad’s notebook and the map with places marked. There’s two fairly close, and depending on how they go, maybe one more to try today.

It doesn’t take too long to get to the first place. Maybe forty-five minutes. For some reason, things are a little awkward in the truck.

That’s fine with me though, I’m looking at everything. This is the farthest I’ve been away from my house since my dad died. Well even a bit before that. When my mom got really sick and was in bed for months, we never went anywhere, so it’s probably been a year at least since I’ve been anywhere besides school and the local store.

I try to take everything in but Eddie drives kind of fast.

Everything seems so different now, so quiet. I finally realize nothing will ever be the same. The world is dead. Not just most of the people, but the world we knew. Electric, water, schools, the banking system, politics, everything is dead now.

We have no luck at the first place. It’s deserted. No people, no animals. Not even the remains of people or animals so they must have left.

We decide to pack up the stuff we can use and take it, but they didn’t leave much. There is no food at all.

I start looking in the kitchen drawers for things we can use, matches, batteries, I even found some string and think we can probably use it for something.

Eddie heads upstairs to get blankets and see if there are any clothes we can use.

It doesn’t take long here. They cleared out the house before they left it looks like.

Eddie loads what he found into the truck and I pack the few things I found into my backpack.

We figure we’re just wasting our time here, we’re not going to find much so there’s no point in looking, and we head to the next place.

After we’ve been driving for awhile Eddie pulls over to the side of the road.

“What are we doing? You’re not lost are you? I’m pretty sure we’re going the right way, ” I say.

“We’re good, just taking a coffee break.”

“You can’t drink and drive?” I ask him.

“I’m not drinking coffee, I need to get rid of some, ” he replies.

“Oh…I see. Well then…I think I’ll just wait right here.”

“Just take me a minute…” he says while he’s getting out of the truck.

While he’s outside I get my bottle and get a drink of water. I’m kind of hungry so I get one of the sandwiches out too.

“Lunch break?” he asks when he gets back.

I shrug my shoulders. “I’m hungry. ”

He leans close to me, “Give me a bite.”

I hold my sandwich to his mouth so he can take a bite.

“Do you ever feel spoiled?” I ask him.

“You think I’m spoiled?”

I smile at him. “Not just you, all of us. We have food and found this working truck, and we’ve found gas. We have animals…I don’t know…I guess I feel like we have it so much easier than most other people that survived.”

“We’re just lucky. Or it’s like we’ve talked about before, we were meant to survive. There’s a reason we survived. I don’t know why yet, maybe I’ll never know, but we survived for some bigger plan…I think.”

I take another bite of my sandwich and sit there trying to decide if I believe him or if he just says shit to make me feel better.

I eat two more bites of my sandwich, but start feeling kind of sick.

“Do you want the rest of this?” I ask Eddie holding my sandwich out towards him.

“Ewww I’ll get your cooties,” he says teasing me.

I start to wrap it up so I can eat it later, I can’t waste it.

“You seriously don’t want it?” he asks.

I shake my head. “I’m full…or something. It’s just making me feel really full…or something.”

“I’ll eat it if you don’t want it, then we can share mine later if we’re hungry.”

“Alright,” I say and hand my sandwich to him.

He takes it and takes a huge bite almost eating the rest of the sandwich.

He sits there and tries to chew it, but seems to be having trouble.

“Want some water?” I ask him.

He nods his head.

I take the lid off my bottle and hold it to his mouth.

He chews and swallows some water, then again, and again.

“Do you not know how to eat peanut butter?” I ask him.

“I guess not,” he says when he finally swallows everything.

He sticks the rest of the sandwich in his mouth, takes a big drink of water, swallows the whole thing.

I sit there staring at him. “Remind me to never eat peanut butter with you again.”

He laughs or tries to with some peanut butter still in his mouth.

“Sorry. I was just trying to hurry so we can get to the next place. We may not make it to three today depending on what happens,” he says.

“I can drive you know…” I say reminding him.

“You’re right, I forgot. I’ll keep that in mind, hopefully for next time.”

It doesn’t take much longer to get to the next place. Oddly enough the first place looked better kept, but no one was there, this place is a mess, but right away I see a couple dogs running down the driveway towards the truck when they hear us, and it makes me wonder if there are still people here.

I know the family that lived here. I went to school with the kids.

I knew the parents too, well sort of, just from when I would come with my dad.

“Should we even try here?” I ask Eddie while we’re still driving up the long driveway.

“They don’t seem friendly do they,” he says referring to the dogs that are running with the truck, barking at us.

I shake my head.

“Do you know these people?” he asks.

I nod my head. “Yeah. The parents sort of, but I went to school with the kids. Rode the bus with them too.”

“Do you know him?” Eddie asks when we pull up to the house and there is a guy with a gun standing on the porch.

He looks so different since the last time I saw him just a few months ago. Scott was a big guy, probably a little over six foot tall, probably used to weigh two fifty, now he might weigh one seventy-five. If we weren’t at his house and I saw him somewhere else, I doubt I would have recognized him.

“Yeah. Scott. I went to school with him.”

“Is he going to be friendly? I would say maybe you should get out first since you know him, but I don’t like the fact that he has a gun,” Eddie says.

“You have a gun too.”

“Yeah…but I don’t know him, and I don’t feel comfortable with you getting out first. How well do you know him?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Enough to say hi, and he sometimes asked about school work. I knew one of his sisters better.”

“They have pigs here?” Eddie asks.