When I try to remember the beginning, when we all knew this was not a normal winter flu, I can’t.
Of course, all I had in my mind then was my mom.
Her liver was failing. At first, the doctors weren’t worried at all, she’s otherwise healthy, doesn’t drink, eats pretty well, we’ll figure out what’s wrong and fix it they said. And then they couldn’t.
They had no idea why her liver was failing so they didn’t know how to fix it.
She was put on a transplant list but she got really sick really fast. We weren’t sure if she would be alive for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but somehow she survived. We spent the holidays together because I think all of us knew it would be the last ones.
When the world decided they needed to treat this new ‘flu’ differently I didn’t really pay much attention. My mom was all I thought about. I seemed to be going through some sort of process. At first I thought I was a bad daughter. I needed to be punished for not being a perfect daughter. Why else would my mom be dying. I tried to think what I was doing wrong as a daughter but couldn’t.
Then I tried to figure out why my mom had to die. Why it had to be my mom. My mom was this amazing caring person. She was the best mom ever. I thought about all the horrible moms in the world and thought, why can’t one of them die.
At one point I was just angry at the world. Or sad. One day I would be pissed off, the next crying all the time.
I honestly didn’t know there was anything weird going on in the world until one night when Amanda called me kind of freaked out.
“School’s canceled,” she says sounding a bit frantic.
“Canceled? Like tomorrow? Why?”
“Because of the virus. Canceled for the next two weeks at least. I guess I should be happy but if this fucks us up graduating I’m not going to be happy.”
“School is really canceled because of the virus?” I ask her.
“Yeah, haven’t you watched the news? It’s really bad in some places. Whole countries are shutting down. A lot of places are closing.”
I wonder if my dad knows about this? Probably not. He’s going through a lot of the same stuff I am.
“So what are we supposed to do? Are we going to make up the work?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows. For now we’re just going to be out for two weeks and after that they’re going to figure out if we can go back or what we’re going to do. I’m telling you right now I’m going to graduate.”
“I’m sure it’s all going to be fine. We’ll all stay out of school for a couple weeks then they’ll realize they were just being paranoid and we can go back and graduate,” I tell her.
“God I really hope so I need to graduate on time so we can start college. I can’t wait to go. Aren’t you excited?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I say but honestly I don’t even know if I want to start college in the fall. I think I need to stay here with my parents for now.
“How’s your mom doing?” she asks me.
Amanda has been my best friend forever, she knows me, she knew exactly what I was thinking.
I sigh. “I don’t know. One day she seems so much better and then the next we’re taking her to the hospital.” I sigh again. “I don’t know though. Tonight she seems bad but my dad said he was having trouble getting an appointment for her with her doctor. Is it because of this virus? Maybe the doctor is booked or something.”
“Probably. Things are like really weird now. I heard on the news that you can’t even go into the hospital to visit people. And a lot of places if you do go in, you have to wear a mask. A bunch of restaurants are closing. I’m really scared Mara,” she says.
I woke up two days later to a completely different world. I knew as soon as I woke up that something was different. It took me a minute to realize what was different and then I noticed I didn’t smell coffee. For as long as I remember every morning when I woke up I smelled coffee. When my mom wasn’t sick she would always make it as soon as she went down to the kitchen. She always had it ready for my dad when he woke up.
Then when she got sick my dad started making it when he got up.
Today I don’t smell coffee. The house is silent. I quickly go downstairs to see if my dad is up yet. I find him sitting at the table in the kitchen. Just sitting there. Not reading the paper or doing anything, just sitting there staring off into space. It only takes me a few seconds to figure out what’s going on.
I start the coffee then sit down by my dad. He looks up at me and I can see how hollow his eyes seem.
“I started the coffee,” I tell him.
He nods his head slightly. Sighs. “I guess I better call someone.”
I nod my head. “Yeah.”
I get up and get the cordless phone off the wall and bring it to him.
News travels fast in my small town, even during a quarantine. Amanda calls me about an hour later. The police and coroner are still here talking to my dad.
My dad looks broken. He drank the pot of coffee so I had just started another one.
I start to answer my phone but I know I’ll just end up crying and I’m trying to be strong for my dad right now, so I let it go to voicemail.
“I wish I could come over. I need to be there for you. I know this probably sounds lame and doesn’t mean much…but I’m sorry Mara. Your mom was amazing and this isn’t fair.”
I send her a text after I listen to her message.
‘Thanks. Can’t talk right now, the police are still here. The coroner too. But thanks.’
My world changed that day. So many things made it change, but I think it was that day that I knew nothing in my life was ever going to be the same again.
We had a small funeral a couple days later. It was just me and my dad. No extended family could come. There was a travel ban in place and we couldn’t ‘gather’ in groups lager than five. Amanda wanted to come but her mom wouldn’t let her go outside for anything.
It was just me, my dad and the funeral director. The whole thing took maybe ten minutes, probably not even that long. We had to wear masks. I hated all of this for my mom. She deserved better.
But it was then that I knew my life was forever changed. The whole fucking world was changed.
And now I’m not sure what day it is, how long we’ve been alone, how long since the electric went off, or the water. Once the electricity was gone there was no way to keep track of time. Amanda and I would mark days off on the calendar at first, but then would forget, or nap during the day and lose track of the days.
It seems like we’ve been alone for a long time. Six weeks at least. And yeah I guess that doesn’t seem that long to most people, but when you’re in our circumstances, it’s a long time.
I’m scared. Scared of everything lately. I try to put on a brave face for Amanda, try to seem hopeful given the situation we’re in now, but deep down I’m worried we won’t survive. I wonder if there are any other survivors? Maybe there is only us.
Amanda’s family was gone first. When I lost my mom in the spring my dad seemed fine.
When Amanda’s mom died, my dad went and picked up Amanda so she could live with us. By then there were so many dead bodies, the city had a mass grave they put everyone in. They would dig one, then cover it when it was full. At first, it took a week to get full, then a few days, then a new one every day. Then there weren’t any people left to die. The last one never got filled in, there was no one to fill it or cover it. All those people decomposed in the hot sun.
We couldn’t do that to Amanda’s mom so my dad brought her body here and we cremated her. And when my dad died, Amanda helped me cremate him.
I was always afraid when I would hear someone cough. It always started with a simple cough or a nosebleed. But whichever it started with the other would come next. And then the mucous. So much blood and coughing up mucous.
After my dad died we scrubbed everything. Every surface. Burned all of his clothes. And scrubbed everything with hot water, bleach, and more hot water.
If Amanda or I would cough the other would stare. It got to the point that you would just hold it in if you felt like coughing, just to not worry the other person.
And that all seems like it was so long ago but was probably only about a month…six weeks…probably doesn’t matter now, but I have no way of knowing for sure.
It was the beginning of summer when her mom died, and maybe early August when my dad died, so it might just be sometime in October.
That’s what the weather feels like too. Still some really warm days but it has that almost fall feel to it.
I grew up on our farm and I guess it’s lucky I did. We have access to water from our well, we have a garden for food, and even eggs from our chickens. I’m sure most people, survivors, don’t have most of that now.
If there are any survivors. We haven’t seen anyone for weeks. Of course, we haven’t left the farm either. Our closest neighbors died a couple of months ago, and other than Amanda I haven’t seen anyone.
The sickness came slowly at first. You would hear of a couple people dying every few days, then a few every day, then a lot every day.
Then the news was full of coverage about food shortages. People hoarding food, cleaning products, really everything. And then there was rioting because shortages.
After the schools closed for two weeks, they extended that to the rest of the school year and then there was talk about them not starting up again until January. Now none of that matters.
I guess it all seemed real and scary when the restaurants and stores closed. Our local general store had pretty much closed already. When the owner and his family got sick they closed. That’s when I started worrying about food and supplies.
And then it seems like just one day the world as we knew it was gone. The tv shows just quit showing, nothing but a few strange radio stations left, mostly just people rambling about the sickness, the hospitals being overrun, where to take the dead bodies for that day, people looking for other people, and then nothing…just static.
Then the electricity was gone, and when it went so did the water because the pump couldn’t run.
Every night I would worry that Amanda would get sick. If she left me, if I was alone now, I’m sure I would find some way to end my life.
Amanda and I have been friends for years. She spent a lot of time here, especially during the summer, so it didn’t take long for her to learn how to help me with the farm. Work in the garden, take care of the animals.
I’m so grateful she’s here, but it gets boring here every day with nothing much to do.
I’m afraid to do much outside. What if someone shows up here? We have a lot of food because we can stuff and keep stuff from the garden in the basement, so what if someone or a bunch of people show up looking for food. Would they hurt us? I try not to think about it, but it’s always in the back of my mind. Amanda is a little older than me, but she doesn’t seem to understand we need to be in survivor mode now. I think she still believes everything will eventually go back to how it all was before.
I want to try to head to the city one day. We’re going to have to. We need stuff. I’m afraid everything useful will be gone already, food won’t be any good, but we need to try. I also would love to find some books. A book on how to make cheese or even other stuff from the goat’s milk. And also how to process and can meat. We have a pig and chickens that one day, maybe in the spring if we’re still alive, I think we should process the meat, but only if there is some way to keep it.
I think maybe we could go to the high school to find some books. It would be a long walk, but so worth it.
Today starts off as usual, we take care of the animals, have breakfast, then clean up. I try to get Amanda interested in a book I’ve been reading but she can’t stay interested long enough to get into the story.
We work in the garden fr5or a bit, come in and clean up as much as we can, then have a late lunch/early dinner.
After we eat and then clean the kitchen I go upstairs to try to find a book Amanda might be interested in. I’m only up there for maybe fifteen minutes when she comes up there. She’s so quiet I don’t know she’s there until she puts her hand over my mouth.
“Don’t say anything. Someone is coming. Two guys. Come on,” she whispers.
A couple weeks ago we decided if we were ever trapped upstairs, the best place to hide would be under my bed. Yeah, it’s so obvious, but not. Someone might look in my closet for stuff, clothes, weapons, but not under my bed. I hope.
We quietly crawl under my bed. I want to say a prayer, but I don’t really believe in God, especially after the last few months, so what the fuck could God do for me now.
I lay there silently. We look at each other. Holding hands.
When I hear the back door open and close, I take a deep breath…I’m not sure when I ever let it out.
“Wow…looks like we’re going to find a lot of stuff here we can use,” the first guy says.
“Yeah. I knew if we could find a farm there would be a lot of food, weapons too,” the second guy replies.
They both look around the kitchen. Opening cabinets and drawers.
“Somebody has been here…recently,” the second guy says.
“Yeah?”
The second guy nods his head. “The dishes were washed not long ago. And there’s water here…clean water.”
“Think they’re still here?” the first guy asks.
The second guy shrugs his shoulders. “We need to find out. You check down here…I’ll go upstairs. Don’t be quick to shoot, but be careful.”
We can hear them talk a bit, then they get quiet. We can hear them walking around. At least one of them coming up here. I close my eyes. Amanda squeezes my hand.
We hear him walking around up here, going in all the rooms, opening closets. He’s looking for people, nothing else right now. Wants to know if they’re alone here.
He comes into my bedroom. Just one guy. We see his feet. He has on very well worn boots, a piece of black electrical tape holding the sole on one of them. I have the same exact Dr. Marten boots, no tape on mine though.
He opens my closet, pokes around with a gun, then shuts the door.
He looks at stuff on my dresser, then pauses at my mirror. He looks at the pictures I have stuck on it. It’s mostly my friends, some of my parents, some of me and Amanda. One of my graduation pictures is hanging there. He takes a picture down to look at it closer. It’s one of the few of just me.
About the only picture of me that I like. I usually hate how I look. I don’t think I’m ugly, just very plain. Average height I guess. Average weight, but I really could tone up. Boring mousey brown hair that is getting long. Too long, it’s about down past the middle of my back.
I wear glasses sometimes. I’m very farsighted, I only need glasses to read so they are usually perched on the top of my head.
In that picture though, I look good. I might even say pretty. It’s from a couple months ago. Amanda was sleeping over and we were playing dress up I guess. Yeah, we’re too old to play dress up, but we were trying on clothes, and Amanda had put some makeup on me. She had said my name and when I looked at her I saw she had her phone out to take a picture of me, so I tried to turn away and somehow she got this amazing picture of me. My hand is up by my mouth and my hair sort of fanned in front of my face and I look pretty. So I printed out the picture.
He’s still looking at it when the other guy comes in there. He has on hiking boots.
“Did you find anybody?” the guy that just came up asks.
The taped boot guy doesn’t say anything, shakes his head.
“Why are you in here? You’re not going to find anything we can use in here,” the hiking boot guy says.
The Doc Marten’s boot guy shows him the picture.
“Oh. Well yeah…is that what you’re looking for…” the hiking boot guy says and laughs.
Doc Marten’s guy drops the picture of me on my dresser.
“Take a couple…get you through the night maybe,” hiking boot guy says.
Doc Marten’s guy looks at the pictures on the mirror again. I’m kind of creeped out that he’s going to take pictures of me to jerk off to.
Hiking boot guy looks at the pictures. “She’s cute…so’s her friend…if you’re into cheerleaders.”
“She’s not a cheerleader…look she has the same boots as me. Cheerleaders don’t wear Dr. Marten boots.”
“Fine…she’s not a cheerleader…or she wasn’t a cheerleader…grab some pictures and let’s go eat something,” hiking boot guy says.
They’re quiet for a minute. I wish they would just go downstairs. Are they really going to stay here and eat something? We’re going to be trapped under my bed until they leave.
Doc Marten’s guy walks closer to my bed. He squats down next to it. “Why don’t you guys come out,” he says.
Amanda lets go of my hand and crawls out, then I do.
We just stand there with them looking at us.
Hiking boot guy smiles.
“Is there anyone else here?” taped boot guy asks.
We shake our heads.
“Is this your house?” he asks me.
I nod my head.
“Sisters?” he asks looking at me and Amanda.
“Just friends,” Amanda says.
“Your families?” he asks.
Amanda shakes her head. “Gone.”
“How long have you been here alone?” he asks.
“A couple weeks?” Amanda says.
“At least a month I think,” I say.
“You have a lot of food here…” he says.
I nod my head. “Don’t take it…please.”
“Will you make us something to eat? We’ve been walking for a few days…haven’t really eaten,” he says.
I nod my head. “Yeah. And then you’ll go?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “It’s going to be dark soon. It’s not safe to walk around after dark.”
They sit at the table in the kitchen. Amanda pours them each a glass of water.
“You have a well here?” the tape boot guy asks.
I nod my head. “Yeah. Every morning we get enough water for the day. Enough to flush the toilet down here too. We flush it once a day.”
“Any animals?” he asks.
“Not many. My mom was sick last year, my dad sold off a bunch of our livestock. We have a pig, chickens, and some goats left.”
“And food? Is there more besides this?” he asks.
I just look at him. I don’t want to tell him what food we have. I might give up some of it to them, but not all of it.
“It’s getting colder. If we decided to stay for the winter would there be enough food for all of us?” he asks.
I nod my head.
“And the well?” he asks.
“It should be fine.”
“Then maybe we should all introduce ourselves,” he says. “I’m Eddie, he’s Spencer.”
“I’m Mara,” I say.
“Amanda,” she says.
“What’s the biggest bed here?” Eddie asks.
“I guess my parent’s…why?”
“I think for tonight we should all sleep together. I don’t want either of you to get any funny ideas…think about leaving or something,” he says.
“Leaving? Why would I leave, this is my house, I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him.
“You are a smart girl. Maybe I’ll eventually realize that,” he says.
We make them scrambled eggs and fried potatoes. They probably haven’t had eggs in a long time. They both eat everything we make.
“Thanks. We really appreciate you cooking for us. It’s been a long time since we’ve had real food. At least a month. Eating that canned shit every day really sucks,” Eddie says.
“So you think you’ll stay all winter?” Amanda asks them.
“What about after? Will you leave then?” I ask.
“Tomorrow we’ll look around, see if this would be a safe place to stay. See if we need anything or if there’s enough food and stuff here to last a few months,” Eddie says.
“How long have you two been together?” I ask them.
“We’ve been friends for years. Lost touch. After everyone I knew started dying, I went home to see if my family was okay. No one was left. I just happened to run into Spencer when I was leaving town. We stayed for a couple days but there was a lot of bad shit going on in the city so we decided to try to find somewhere more rural. We’ve been walking for a long time.”
“It’s bad in the city?” Amanda asks.
“Yeah. People were crazy. Fighting over gas…food. Killing people for nothing. Women getting attacked…raped. It was scary. I didn’t want any part of it,” he says.
“Nothing to keep us there anyway,” Spencer says.
We all nod our heads. Seems like none of us have any family left.
“Did you run into many people?” I ask them.
“Not really once we got out of the city. Weird seems like everyone thought the city was the place to be so everyone went there. We haven’t seen anyone for about a week. We were running out of everything. If we hadn’t found your house today…I don’t know that we would have made it through the week. We haven’t seen a house or anything for days,” Eddie says.
I smile. “Our closest neighbor is like ten miles away.”
“Are they alive?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“Have you been over there?” he asks.
“Not for about six weeks? Maybe longer. Time is all screwed up for me. When they first got sick my dad and I went over to try to help…”
“Would they have anything we could use?” Eddie asks.
I sigh. “Um…maybe. There might still be some food in their cellar. They didn’t have livestock, they had an apple orchard. There would probably be a bunch of apples there now…well if any are still good. Might be nice to get some for the animals.”
It’s starting to get dark so I light one of the lanterns in the kitchen.
“How much kerosene do you have?” Eddie asks.
“Enough for a couple months, if we’re careful.”
“You said you use one of the bathrooms…” Spencer asks.
“Yeah, I’ll show you. We only use one, just easier to only have to flush one toilet,” Amanda says.
She lights another lantern and shows Spencer the bathroom we use.
“How old are you?” Eddie asks me when we’re alone.
“Why?”
“Just curious. You and your friend seem to be getting along fine here on your own. Doing a hell of a lot better than almost everyone else we’ve come across,” he says.
“You two seem to be getting along pretty good,” I say.
“Do you want us to leave?” he asks.
“If I say yes…would you?”
He doesn’t say anything. Smiles slightly.
Amanda and I clean the kitchen and do the dishes…again.
“I guess we can figure out what everyone should do every day, once we look around, see what needs done. I’ll tell you right now…I suck at cooking,” Eddie says laughing.
“Are you just trying to get out of cooking?” I ask him teasing.
“I’ll cook if you want, but you will quickly regret it,” he says.
“You can bring in the water for me, I’ll do your cooking,” I tell him.
“Deal,” he says smiling.
He really could be considered cute. Brown curly hair, about to his shoulders. Some of it a little bit lighter, bleached by the sun probably. I wonder how much they were walking…he said they came from the city…that’s a long drive, I can’t imagine walking that far.
He has a nice smile. When he smiles it makes you want to smile. And a few times I think I’ve seen a dimple when he smiles.
But his eyes…he has the most amazing blue eyes. Such a strange shade of blue though, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen this shade of blue before. And his eyes are framed by the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen on a guy. Probably on anyone.
Spencer is pretty cute too, but not as cute as Eddie. He has longish brown hair, no curls. Pretty brown eyes. And a sweet smile. He’s nice…but I find myself more interested in Eddie. And then I find myself wondering why. I think he’s in charge…the leader…I hope he sees himself that way too…we need someone to take charge.
“So we’re making a chore list tomorrow?” Amanda asks.
Eddie nods his head. “Seems like that would work the best. Make everything fair.”
“But we can trade too I guess…if we don’t like something…” Amanda says.
“I didn’t say I don’t like cooking, I said I was bad at it. I’ll cook…but no one is going to be happy,” Eddie replies.
Since it’s the beginning of Fall, or close to it, it’s starting to get dark earlier every night it seems. Tonight is no different. Before Eddie and Spencer showed up we had already put the goats and pig in the barn, so there’s not much more we need to do before we can go to bed.
Just make sure everything is locked up, turn off the lanterns. Also, make sure no food is out anywhere, we don’t need bugs or animals getting in the house.
“I’m going to go walk around a bit, make sure everything is okay,” Eddie says.
“Is it okay if we go upstairs and get ready for bed?” I ask him halfway being serious, halfway being a smartass because this asshole isn’t going to come into my house and think he can tell me what to do.
“It’s your house…do what you want,” he replies.
“Except leave…right?” I say.
“You would be really stupid to leave now, while it’s night, but I’m not going to tell you what to do,” he says.
We stand there staring at each other. Neither one wanting to back down…neither knowing what to say.
“I’ll be back. I’m just going to walk around the house, make sure everything is okay. I’ll lock up and then be upstairs,” he says.
He picks up his gun off the kitchen table. He had been wearing it on his back, but took it off and set it on the table when they ate. No idea what kind of gun it is, I don’t know much about guns. My dad kept wanting to teach me, but I was afraid of them. I know how to shoot our little handgun, barely.
He has a bigger gun, a rifle, or shotgun, I don’t know the difference. Spencer has one too.
“We’ll leave one of the lanterns down here for you I guess,” I say.
“Thanks. I’ll be back in like ten minutes.”
“I’m going to check and make sure everything is locked down here, then I’ll be up,” Spencer says.
We take a lantern and go up to my bedroom.
“What are you sleeping in?” Amanda asks me.
“Umm…I don’t know. I guess my usual pajamas. Too hot to wear anything else.”
I take off my jean shorts and tee shirt and put on a tank top and pajama shorts. Amanda wears an oversized tee shirt.
We leave our clothes on my bed.
“We should do laundry soon,” Amanda says.
“Yeah…or find new clothes.”
“You still want to go to the city? Even after what they told us,” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders. I’ve been tempted to go. We need stuff. I’m afraid it’s too late though and everything useful is already gone.
I hear them coming up the stairs.
“What do you think about Mr Bossy?” Amanda asks me.
I shake my head. “I’m not sure yet.”
“I liked him trying to tell you what you could and couldn’t do. I guess if they stick around all winter he’ll find out that he is not going to control you,” she says.
Someone knocks on my bedroom door. “We’re back…are we um…all sleeping together?”
I open my door.
“Everything okay outside?” I ask Eddie.
“Quiet as can be out there. Kind of creepy…but I guess you get used to it,” he replies.
I shrug my shoulders. “I guess. So…are you two ready for bed?”
Eddie nods his head. “I’m tired as fuck and we have a lot to do tomorrow. I had some ideas while I was outside, but we can talk about it all tomorrow.”
“Did you guys lock everything?” Amanda asks them.
Spencer yawns. “Yeah, everything downstairs is locked. I checked all the windows and the doors. Made sure Eddie locked the back door when he came in.”
“Let’s go to bed then, that damn rooster wakes me up before the sun comes up,” Amanda says.
“There’s a rooster?” Spencer asks.
“Yep. Little asshole. One day I’m going to fry his ass and eat him.”
“You are not frying my rooster. If you do then we won’t have any new baby chicks in the spring,” I tell her.
“Why don’t we discuss this in the morning…” Eddie says.
“Fine,” I say.
Amanda and I grab our pillows off of my bed and we all go into my parent’s room. It’s weird being in here now. I’ve stayed out of here for the most part for the past month.
Eddie sits on the end of the bed and takes his boots and socks off. He takes his shirt off and drops it on the floor.
I’m wondering what exactly he’s going to sleep in. Is he going to get completely naked?
I look over at Amanda who looks like she’s wondering the same thing.
Spencer sets a lantern on the dresser. He kicks his shoes off, takes his socks off.
I get in bed, Amanda gets in bed next to me.
“How are we sleeping?” Amanda asks them.
Eddie walks over to the side of the bed I’m on. He drops his pants, then gets in bed next to me.
He’s only wearing boxers. I feel kind of weird about it. I wonder how old he is. I’m eighteen, just graduated a couple of months ago, I’ve never been in bed with a guy in his boxers.
Spencer drops his pants too and gets in bed in a tee shirt and boxer briefs. He gets in on the other side of the bed, by Amanda.
Spencer left the lantern lit and on the dresser.
“One of you is going to have to turn the lantern off since you have us trapped in bed…” I say.
“Fuck,” Eddie says laughing.
He gets up, turns it off, and gets back in bed.
I wake up while it’s still dark. At first, I’m not sure where I am, this isn’t my bed or my bedroom. I’m in bed with Amanda though, but something isn’t right.
I roll over and gasp when I see someone else in bed with me, then remember Eddie and Spencer coming here. Eddie saying we should all sleep together.
I feel uncomfortable being in bed with him. I contemplate pushing him onto the floor, but that would be mean, and he would just get back up, wonder how he got on the floor.