No Such Thing as Time

I hear Amanda and Spencer coming back. It’s so quiet now we can hear the truck when they’re still fairly far away.

“I should go help them unload everything,” I tell Eddie.

He sighs. “Yeah…I should too.”

“Do you feel okay now? If you still feel dizzy or anything, just stay in here. We can handle it.”

I get up so I can go help out…he grabs my hand. I turn to look at him. He kisses the back of my hand.

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Amanda is carrying in a box when I get in the kitchen.

“I think we wiped them out of anything useful this time. But maybe tomorrow you guys should go back…see if there’s anything else we might need,” she says.

I nod my head.

“Are you okay? You’re quiet…or something,” she says.

“Yeah…things are just weird.”

She sets the box on the table…walks over to me. She pushes my hair back. “What happened? Your neck is red,” she says touching it.

It has to be from Eddie when he was nuzzling my neck. He hasn’t shaved and he has stubble right now.

“And now you’re blushing…did something happen?” she asks.

Spencer comes into the kitchen carrying a couple boxes. “Is anyone going to help me unload this stuff?”

“We’re coming.” I hear Eddie say.

Spencer sets the box down on the table, then he and Eddie go outside.

“So…what happened?” Amanda asks me.

I shrug my shoulders. “Eddie said he likes me. Like he likes me. I don’t know what to say or do…or anything. I feel really weird about it for some reason.”

“Why? Do you like him? He’s fucking hot, and really nice…for the most part,” she says.

I nod my head. “Yeah…he’s nice. I like him.”

“But do you like him? You know, like more than just a friend.”

“I don’t know…maybe. I haven’t known him that long…you know?”

“Do you think I’m a slut for sleeping with Spencer?” she asks.

I shake my head.

“I really do like him. I can see me being with him for a long time,” she says.

We go outside to help them. They’re carrying stuff into the barn.

“You have to admit we really lucked out. I mean if anyone was going to come across your house and stay with us…we got fucking lucky it was them,” Amanda says to me.

We stand there and watch them until they come back to the truck.

“Are you guys going to help? Or…” Spencer says.

“We’re helping,” Amanda tells him.

She walks down off the porch to him. Hugs him…kisses his cheek. He smiles…then kisses her.

Eddie watches. Then he looks at me. He holds a hand out to me. I walk down the porch steps, take his hand. We walk over to the truck…holding hands.

Maybe this could work.

I’m secretly pleased that Amanda and Spencer decided to move to another bedroom. I like being alone with Eddie at night. It was never awkward. He’s so sweet at night…well he’s sweet during the day too…but at night it’s just us…and we talk…a lot. And I cry sometimes for everything that is gone…and everything that may never be again.

It gets easy to get into a routine and stay that way. Eddie and I usually wake up when the rooster crows in the morning so we still get up and take care of the animals, start breakfast. Then a bit later Amanda and Spencer wake up and take care of the water. Well, most of the water. Usually, Eddie will bring at least a bucket in for me so I can make coffee for him. He’s going to be so sad when the coffee runs out.

I try to figure out what to make for breakfast. I’m so tired of eggs, and we only got five this morning. Five eggs won’t go far for four people.

I could make pancakes. We have syrup, but no butter. I wonder if they would be mad with no butter?

I don’t really have much choice. I make pancake batter. If anyone wants to be upset with me…they can go find butter, or figure out how to make it with the goat’s milk.

Eddie brings me water so I start boiling some for coffee while I wait for the griddle to be hot enough to cook pancakes.

He sits in the kitchen and plays songs on his guitar for me.

He found the guitar in the storeroom of the store once when he and Spencer went. They weren’t gone but for maybe forty five minutes…if that. He said they were worried about us being here alone.

But while they were there digging through stuff in the storeroom, he found a guitar. I didn’t even know he could play, he never mentioned it. But he plays very well. Spencer says Eddie can sing, but he won’t. He gets upset if I ask him about it, so I have left him alone. I figure one day maybe he’ll open up about it, maybe sing for us, or at least for me.

I try to figure out what we can have with pancakes, we need something else or everyone is going to be hungry in like an hour.

Apples! We have so many. I can try to fry them in some cinnamon and brown sugar. Really need some butter, but this will have to do.

“Do you need me to do anything?” Eddie asks.

“Will you go downstairs and get like six apples?”

“Apples? Sure. Anything else?” he asks.

“Yeah find me some butter.”

“Didn’t you say something about making butter?” he asks.

I nod my head. “Yeah, we can make butter from the goat’s milk. It’s kind of a lot of work, but would be worth it in the end I think.”

“How often do you milk the goats?”

I sigh. “Not as much as I could…or should. We should start doing it more. Every morning I guess. I just don’t do it much because we still have babies that nurse and well it’s not like the milk will keep. Maybe now that it’s getting cold we can set up some sort of refrigeration outside, or in the barn.”

“If you show me how to do it I’ll start doing it while you make breakfast. And we should figure out some sort of refrigerator. I knew that first day that you were smart…I’m glad you let us stay here,” he says.

He comes over to where I am. He stands behind me at the stove. He puts his arms around me…kisses the back of my neck. “And not just because it’s a safe place, and you have so much supplies. It’s because of you. I’m glad you let us stay so I could get to know you…because I really like you.”

I turn around so I can see him. I kiss him. “I’m glad you guys showed up. At first, when we were hiding under my bed from you, I hated you. And then you were talking about eating something and I was thinking, they won’t be gone until after dark, and I was so scared at that moment. Then you asked us to get out from under my bed and at first I was scared to death of what you would do to us…especially after you were looking at my pictures, and that comment Spencer made.”

“I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I bet it was pretty nasty. We’re guys…we can be nasty,” he says laughing.

“I don’t remember exactly either…but he told you to take some pictures of me with you…if you wanted.”

“I’m glad I didn’t have to. I have the real you,” he says and kisses me.

“I guess this means you plan on staying longer than for the winter?”

He smiles at me. “I don’t know…do you still want me to leave?”

I look at him…look into his stupid blue eyes…look at those beautiful perfectly shaped red lips…and I kiss them. “Don’t you dare leave me. Except right now…you need to go downstairs and get me some apples.”

“For you…anything.”

He kisses me, then gets a flashlight off the counter and goes downstairs.

The fried apples don’t taste too bad. They’re actually really good with the pancakes. It’s been a while since we had anything sweet.

Eddie and Spencer work on clearing off the table, collecting the scraps for the animals, while Amanda helps me wash the dishes.

All of the animals will be excited to have some sweet treats today.

“We need to plan a day to take you girls out shooting,” Eddie says during dinner.

“Girls…are we like twelve now?” I ask him.

“God I hope not,” Spencer says.

“Ladies…sorry…I didn’t mean anything bad. Not trying to be disrespectful or anything…and calling you guys seems really wrong,” Eddie says.

I look at him trying to save face. He’s so beautiful. I mean even though it’s not very bright in here now, even though I can’t really see him very well, I already know his expressions so I know exactly what his face looks like right now even if I can’t fully see it.

I reach over with one of my feet and touch his legs. He slightly jumps a first, but then sees me looking at him so he knows it’s me.

I slowly slide my foot up his leg, then back down again.

He keeps looking at me at first, but then he seems slightly uncomfortable.

“So…anyway…we need to go shooting one day. I could use some practice anyway,” he says as he looks away from my gaze.

He seems so distracted, I wonder why?

“Sounds perfect…” I say staring at him, still running my foot up and down his leg.

I’m glad he sits across from me, although right now if he was sitting next to me I think my hand would be moving up and down his thigh.

He shifts in his seat, moving around quite a bit. Then he reaches a hand down, seems like he’s adjusting something.

I rest my foot on his chair, right between his legs.

“Tomorrow…maybe?” he asks.

I smile and nod my head. “Yeah…maybe.”

“I think I want to sleep in my room tonight,” I tell Eddie after Spencer and Amanda have already gone upstairs.

It’s late and I was about to go up and get in bed…wait for Eddie to come up.

He likes to walk around the house, look around for people I guess. He says for anything out of place, anything that doesn’t seem right. I also know he still likes to pee outside. I don’t know why he does, but he does.

“Yeah? And do you want to sleep alone?” he asks.

I shake my head. He smiles his half-assed smile at me. “I’ll be up in like ten minutes.”

He kisses me softly on the lips. He looks at me before he turns and leaves.

I go up to my bedroom. Earlier I moved our pillows into here and put them on my bed. I pull back the blankets and look at the sheets to make sure there’s nothing creepy crawly there, then I start getting undressed. I pick up the nightie off my pillow. I put it there after I moved our pillows. I planned on wearing it, but now I don’t know if I am brave enough to. I walk over to my dresser where the lantern is. I stand in front of my mirror and hold the nightie up in front of me. I still think it’s ridiculous…but Eddie seemed to like it…a lot.

I take my tee shirt off and toss it over by my door where I used to throw my dirty clothes…like before everything happened.

I take my jeans off and leave them on the floor by my bed. I slip the nightie over my head and look at myself in the mirror. I really don’t recognize myself. I look so different than I did during the summer…so different than I looked when Eddie and Spencer came here. I wonder if my parents would even recognize me now.

I turn the lantern off and get in my bed. It will be weird to sleep in my bed with Eddie. I’m not really sure what our relationship is. If we have any sort of relationship, or if we together because we have no one else. I don’t want that kind of relationship…I want him to be with me because he loves me.

Anyway, it will be weird to sleep in my bed with him since my bed is smaller than my parent’s is…but I love sleeping close to him. Love snuggling against his body…his arms around me…my head on his chest so I can hear his heartbeat.

I’m falling asleep when I hear him coming up the stairs. He turns his flashlight off and sets it down on my nightstand. He strips to his boxers and gets in bed with me. He’s so cold and shivering.

“It’s getting so cold. We need to find more hay for the winter or the animals will freeze,” he says.

“Yeah. Maybe there’s still some at the feed store…and we can check other houses too. But come here and let me warm you up,” I tell him pulling him to me.

He wraps me in his arms. Snuggles his head into my shoulder.

“Ewwww your nose is running,” I say laughing.

“It’s fucking cold out there.”

“Are you getting warmer being here in my bed?” I ask him.

“You feel wonderful…and warm…and I wish I could see you right now because I know what you have on. Did you wear it just for me?”

I nod my head. “Yeah,” I breathe in his ear.

I feel him nuzzle my neck. His lips barely touching it, his warm breath on me. “Thanks,” I hear very quietly in my ear.

He kisses my neck…sucks on it. I’ve never had a hickey…I’m not sure how I’ll feel about it if he gives me one. Amanda and Spencer will know who gave it to me. I kiss his neck…suck on it…but I feel weird since I’ve never done anything like this before.

He has his hands on me…touching me. It feels so strange to have someone touching me like this…touching me in places no one ever has.

He moves back a little…he looks at me and smiles. He has the most beautiful smile…always makes me smile.

There’s just enough moonlight coming in my bedroom window so I can see him. See how beautiful he is.

He pulls me back to him. Kisses me. “We should sleep, it’s been a busy day.”

“Yeah, but we got a lot done. And we have so much food, and now the seeds. We’ll have an amazing garden next year.”

He’s smiling at me.

“What?” I ask him.

“It makes me happy that you’re planning for next summer. I get worried sometimes,” he says.

“Worried? What about? Me?”

He nods his head. “Yeah…you. I’m afraid you’ll give up. And now…if you give up…I probably will too.”

I kiss him. Snuggle into him so we can sleep. It has been a long day, and tomorrow and every day will probably be long, and hard, but I think I can do it now that I have him in my life.

I lay there thinking. I actually feel spoiled by life.

We have access to fresh clean water. We have fresh eggs for now. We have a lot of food…more than most people I bet. We have the animals.

Ok yeah, both my parents died and I was left alone or would have been if Amanda hadn’t moved in…and then later Eddie and Spencer. I wonder if they are still planning on leaving in the spring? I wonder if they ever planned that? I don’t want Eddie to ever leave…I’m falling in love with him.

I wake up alone though. I lay there and wonder if maybe everything wasn’t just a dream. I smile and then I’m not sure why exactly I’m smiling.

I roll over and look towards my dresser. All the pictures of me and Amanda stuck to the mirror. My stack of school books are sitting there, and I wonder if I finished my homework. I smell breakfast. Bacon, eggs, toast. I wish my mom didn’t make me eat so much…I’m going to get fat. I hope I have time for a shower this morning. I have that new shirt…I want to look cute for Mike.

I know I should get up and get in the shower, but my bed is so comfy and I just want to stay in it. I’ll stay just until my mom yells up to me.

I close my eyes. Just five more minutes I think. Then I hear someone calling my name.

“Mara…are you getting up? There’s stuff to do.”

It’s not my mom though. I open my eyes again. My dresser is a mess. Clothes tossed up there to be put away. Pictures that were stuck to the mirror are hanging off, some have fallen onto the clothes.

School books on the floor now. Right next to them my Dr Martens boots, and then another identical pair next to them. Eddie’s boots. Eddie’s voice waking me up.

This is my reality.

Eddie lays next to me. “The sun is up, but it’s going to be chilly today. The first real day of winter I think.”

I lay there just looking at him.

He moves a little closer to me…pushes my hair back.

“We should probably go pick the rest of the apples today, if we get frost tonight they’ll be ruined if we leave them on the trees, but they should be okay in the basement,” he says.

I nod my head. I close my eyes and try to smell breakfast cooking again. Bacon…it’s been so long since I’ve had bacon.

I hate that it gets dark so early. It’s like we eat dinner and then it’s dark out. Too dark to do anything outside. And it’s getting too damn cold anyway.

It’s boring though. I sit in the living room and read for a bit, but I feel like I’m wasting kerosene if I use a lantern or wasting the batteries if I use a flashlight.

Amanda and Spencer went outside for a walk before they went up to bed. It is bright outside tonight, a full moon, but I don’t want to deal with the cold so I stay in.

Eddie sits with me. He messes around with his guitar. He really plays beautifully. I want to tell him so, but afraid he’ll think I’m just saying that to be nice. Sometimes he doesn’t take compliments very well.

“Do you need the light?” I ask him.

“Um…why?”

“I feel bad wasting the kerosene, or the batteries,” I explain.

“Yeah. I guess turn the lantern off. We can sit here in the dark,” he says.

I laugh and turn it off. “And do what?”

“I have a couple ideas…” he says.

I smile at him. He leans over and kisses me. We kiss.

I stop kissing him. I look at him. This beautiful man. Would I be doing this if he wasn’t the only guy left that seems to be available? Yeah, I think I would. I think I would still want him.

I kiss him. I lay back on the sofa and pull him down with me…on top of me.

We kiss. Hard and fast. I’ve never kissed like this before. I can’t get enough of him fast enough.

He moves over a little so he’s next to me, laying halfway on me. He pushes my shirt up and kisses between my boobs. Then my nipples. I feel a little uncomfortable. I’ve never done anything like this before.

His hair falling across my chest tickles. I reach up and push it back behind his ear, but it falls right back down.

He moves up a bit. He’s nuzzling my ear, my neck. Soft sweet kisses.

I feel one of his hands between my legs. The other hand trying to unfasten my jeans. I can feel his hard cock against my side. I start to get scared. I can’t do this. It’s too much…too soon. I’m not ready for sex. And we have no kind of protection. Do I want to risk getting pregnant? Especially now that there are no more hospitals…no doctors. What would I do if I got pregnant?

I push him back. “Eddie…no. I can’t.”

He looks at me confused. “Can’t? Can’t what?”

“I’m not ready. There are so many things we need to think about,” I say trying to explain.

He sits up. He looks over at me…well as much as he can since it’s dark in here now.

I reach a hand out to him. “Eddie…”

“I’m going to go take a walk. Make sure everything is quiet. I’ll be up in a bit,” he says and gets up.

“Eddie…I…” I start to say.

He shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

I hear him go out the back door.

I feel bad, just a little bad. I do like him. But love? I’m not sure yet. Maybe. I have to love him though to have sex with him. And I do want to have sex with him. One day…I just don’t know when. It could be tomorrow…it could be a year from now.

I go into the kitchen. I look out the window over the sink and watch him. He’s so beautiful. It’s dark out but the moon is huge and bright tonight so I can see him fairly well.

He walks over towards where the garden is but stops a bit away from it. I watch him hesitate for a few seconds, then I see him unfasten his pants. I turn away embarrassed when he starts peeing.

I look back after about thirty seconds and see him walking towards the barn. He opens the door, shines the flashlight inside and looks around for a minute, then shuts the door.

He starts walking to the front of the house. I get myself a glass of water, then look back out the window. A couple minutes later I see him walking back. He sits on the back porch. He just sits for a minute, then he unzips his pants. I can’t figure out what he’s doing at first, then I see him take his cock out.

I’ve never seen a guy naked. Never had a boyfriend. I know I shouldn’t be watching, I should go upstairs right now, get in bed.

But I can’t. I watch him. Watch him stroke himself until he’s aroused and hard. I can’t look away while he pleasures himself.

The way he touches himself seems so rough, I would be afraid to touch him like that. He seems almost angry.

I know I shouldn’t be watching him, but I have to. I start to feel a tingling between my legs. I realize my nipples are so erect it’s almost painful. I unconsciously reach a hand down between my legs and am surprised by the heat coming from there. I keep my hand there for a minute enjoying the warmth, but soon I’m sliding my hand into my jeans and underwear.

I gently explore myself, slowly sliding one finger inside of me. I feel even hotter inside, and am so wet I find it easy to slide two fingers in. I like how touching myself feels. I slide my fingers in and out a couple more times before I pull my hand forward until I find my clit. I softly rub it, play with it while watching him stroke his cock.

It starts feeling good. I feel a little afraid. Guilty maybe. I take my hand out of my jeans. I’m still watching him. Soon I hear him breathing harder…then very quietly moaning my name. I can’t watch any longer. I go upstairs.

I wonder if he’ll sleep with me tonight? I hate sleeping alone. I don’t know if I could now. He did say he would be up in a little bit…but I guess he didn’t say he was sleeping with me. But he always has since he’s been here.

I strip to my underwear so I can put my pajamas on. It’s chilly and I may be alone tonight so I put on some leggings and a sweat shirt that used to be my dad’s. I bet I look lovely.

I hear the door downstairs open, then close and lock so he must be inside now. I guess I’ll just wait in here, see if he comes up soon. I shine a light in the bed to make sure there’s nothing in it. I have this phobia a snake or possum or something will be all snuggled in my bed. It’s clear so I get in bed…lay there and wait for him.

I feel creepy that I can hear Amanda and Spencer in the bedroom next to mine. Talking, but I can’t understand what they’re saying. Laughing. Quiet. The bed making noise. More laughing.

I put my pillow over my head to drown them out. After a couple minutes I take the pillow off of my head. I think I hear music. A guitar. Eddie is downstairs playing guitar. I get up and very quietly start going down the stairs. I stop halfway down when I realize I can hear him softly singing. I sit on the step and listen.

He has such a beautiful voice. Deep and strong. I get chills listening to him. I wonder why he won’t sing in front of anyone, or even admit he does sing?

I want to go find him, wrap him up in my arms, smother him with kisses and never let go. Maybe everyone had to get sick and die for the sole reason that me and Eddie were meant to be together. That can’t be…but seems to be the only thing that makes any sense these days

I sometimes wonder if we’ll ever think our lives are boring now. We’re all in a long day after day boring routine.

I get up first, always. Eddie usually wakes up when I’m crawling away from him. Or when he hears me getting clothes to wear, or sometimes not until I’m heading downstairs and I’ll say ‘Are you getting up sleepyhead’, or ‘sleeping all day’ or something like that to him. He’ll moan, roll over and say he’s going to sleep all day.

And he only does that because then I will go get him up either by tickling him or kissing him. He pulls me under the covers with him and says we can just stay in bed all day.

I always remind him that the animals have to be taken care of and that I really need to pee.

This morning when I crawl out of bed, he’s already being bad.

I lift his arm up off of me and sit on the edge of the bed and stretch. He moans, rolls over to his belly, and pulls the blankets over his head.

“Do you think it will be cold today? Should I leave these leggings on under my jeans?” I ask him.

He moans again and puts his pillow over his head.

I get a pair of socks out of my drawer, sit back down on my bed and put them on.

“It’s chilly today…I think it’s going to be cold…what do you think?” I say as I stand up and pull the blankets off of him.

He throws his pillow at me. “You’re mean.”

I throw it back at him. “Maybe you should wear something to bed beside your boxers.”

He shakes his head, holds a hand out to me. “I like you keeping me warm.”

I take his hand, only long enough to kiss it. “Come on…we have work to do…and…”

“You have to pee,” he says.

I smile at him. “Yes…so meet me downstairs, or at the barn,” I say and kiss his hand again.

I pull my jeans on over my leggings, grab a long sleeve shirt and run down the stairs.

I quickly pee when I get to the bathroom, then put on my long sleeve tee over my tee shirt I slept in.

The first thing I notice when I go outside is that I was right and it is going to be cold today because everything has a layer of frost on it.

The next thing I notice is Eddie peeing in my garden.

“Really…my garden…” I say.

“It’s good for it right? Um…adds protein or something…or it keeps the animals out…doesn’t it?”

“Or you’re a guy and for some reason, guys like to pee on things…mark their territory…” I say and then sigh.

He walks over to me when he’s finished. He kisses me on the lips. “But you forgive me because you love me,” he says and starts to walk away.

Wait…What! Did he say that word? That one that starts with L and means so much…well at least to me it does. Like it’s a huge thing to tell someone that. He can’t say it and just walk away like nothing.

I grab his hand and pull him back to me. I stare at those stupid blue eyes for a minute.

He kisses me again. “Hey…I’m sorry. I won’t piss in your garden again.”

“What you just said…do you really think that?” I ask him.

He looks confused. “I’m sorry and I won’t piss in your garden again?”

I shake my head. “The other thing. I forgive you because…”

He cocks his head to the left and looks at me in a puzzling sort of way. Not that he is still confused, but that I doubt him. He smiles. “Umm…that you love me?”

I nod my head.

“And…” he asks.

“I’ve never said that…why do you think that?”

He pulls me to him, wraps his arms around me. “You don’t have to say it…it would be nice to hear it from you one day…but you don’t have to say it. I can feel it. The way you cuddle into me at night, like we become one person. The way you lay your head against my chest, right over my heart. When I wake up in the middle of the night and you haven’t moved. The way I see you look at me sometimes.”

He squeezes me tighter for a minute…then he looks at me. “And Mara…I love you.”

He kisses me…then we kiss. I have a fleeting thought of grabbing his hand and running back up to my room and getting back in bed with him…but for what? I just…can’t. I’m not ready yet. It would be nice to just lay in bed with him though, snuggled up together, keeping each other warm. His hands are starting to wander underneath my shirts…I have no bra on. I let his hands move up to my boobs…but only for a minute…and that’s because he’s pushing my shirts up and my poor nipples are cold!

I pull his hands down, pull my lips away from his.

“We have work to do,” I remind him.

I start walking to the barn. I hear him sigh. “Yeah…I’m coming.”

I turn around so I can see him. “Hey, Eddie.”

He looks up at me.

“I love you.”

We take care of the animals…like usual. Then I figure out breakfast…like usual. It’s going to be a boring day…like usual.

“We really need to see if there are any other animals near us. Like alive animals,” Eddie says while we’re eating.

“For what? And what kind of animals? Why would we want more animals? We’ll just have to find more food and stuff for them,” Spencer says.

“If we can breed the pig, have baby pigs in the Spring, eat the old pig. I mean that’s how it works…right?” Eddie asks me.

I nod my head.

“What about the goats, do you have male and females? And I guess you would have chicks since you have a rooster,” Eddie says.

I nod my head again. “Yeah male and female goats, and we usually try to have about ten new chicks each year. I guess we eat the rest of the eggs.”

“Maybe we need to try to find people. I wonder if anyone would eventually trade with us. Like during the summer, say we double the amount of chickens, we would get about double the amount of eggs. We wouldn’t be able to use that many, so if we knew people that needed them, we could figure out some trade,” Eddie says.

I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah…I guess. I mean…if there’s anyone alive still.”

“How far would you go to find people?” Amanda asks.

“For now…not far. Drive an hour at the most. Do you know people around? People that had animals?” Eddie asks me.

“Yeah. Some. I know my dad had a map somewhere. In his office maybe. I’ll check after breakfast. Also, somewhere should be some sort of book or something with other pig breeders,” I tell him.

“How are we going to go anywhere? We can’t leave the house unoccupied,” Spencer says.

“For now maybe Mara shows me where the people live. And if they’re alive she can talk to them. Afterward, any of the two of us can go,” Eddie says.

“I guess. Still seems like we would just be taking on more work,” Spencer says.

“The food we have, and we’re lucky to have so much, but it’s going to run out eventually. We have stuff to plant a garden next year, but that’s not for a long time. And we need to source out some sort of protein. Eggs are great for that. And if we have more than we can use, why not trade for something we don’t have,” Eddie says trying to explain the concept of farming to Spencer.

“Yeah…I get it…just never thought you would be a fucking pig farmer,” Spencer says laughing.

Eddie throws his napkin at Spencer. “Asshole. You know what I want to grow? Tobacco so I can roll my own cigarettes.”

“Eww no. You smoke? You don’t smoke do you?” I ask him.

He smiles at me, licks his lips. “Umm…I used to…before I couldn’t find any and had to quit. I could easily get back into that habit.”

“Eww. Well, I know who you won’t be kissing…if you smoke,” I reply.

“What about something else. Can I grow and smoke weed?” he asks.

“Where are you going to get those seeds? I don’t think we got any of them at the store…” I say.

“I’ll come across some…some day.”

After breakfast Spencer and Amanda volunteer to do the dishes and clean up so Eddie can help me look through my dad’s office. It feels really weird being in here. I haven’t been in months.

I sit in my dad’s chair at his desk…it feels so strange. Seems like not that long ago I would come running in here to tell him it was time for lunch…or dinner. Crawl up in his lap and ask him what he was doing.

Eddie stands behind me, he rubs my shoulders. “Are you ok? I can try to look for this stuff by myself…”

I shake my head. “It’s ok. I was just thinking.”

He picks up a framed picture off the desk and looks at it. “This is you…isn’t it?”

He holds it in front of me. It is me. My dad always said it was his favorite picture of me. I was about four or five and wearing a dress. I never wore dresses. We live on a farm, I either wore shorts or long pants of some sort. Never a dress!

My mom’s sister was getting married so my mom had me in a yellow gingham check dress, perfect little knee high socks, and shiny white fancy mary janes…and I hated all of it. I was bored while my mom was getting ready so I wandered outside…and played with the new baby piglets. And when my dad found me sitting in the mud holding a piglet, he took the picture.

I nod my head.

“Can I have it now?” he asks me.

“Yeah.”

“You haven’t changed much,” he says.

I look back at the picture…he’s right.

“You know I didn’t know your dad…but from what you’ve said about him, and seeing this picture of you he kept on his desk…I know he would be so proud of you right now. How you’ve kept up his farm. How well you take care of the animals…and of all of us too. I know he would be proud,” he tells me.

I pick up his left hand that’s still on my shoulder. I kiss the back of it. “Thanks.”

I quickly find the books for Eddie and with a map, we mark down all the places I know of…people I know…or knew. He wants to go to a few tomorrow. I’m a little nervous, but it will be okay if he’s with me.

He says the next day he wants to work with me and Amanda more on shooting…just in case. And now I’m even more worried.

He thinks all of us should carry a gun all the time. I guess he’s right, but I don’t want to think that way, I want my safe little world back.

So much to always do now. I constantly want to inventory our food. It hasn’t been but a few weeks…a month maybe since we’ve been here together.

Tomorrow after breakfast I’ll do inventory and rotate food. Crap…no, not tomorrow, Eddie wants to go to some farms. Maybe afterward, or the next day.

I check the menu for what we’re making for dinner so I can get it started. Chili Mac. I get two cans of chili and a package of noodles out of the cabinet. If Eddie and Spencer hadn’t come, we would probably be out of food now. Or eating really boring stuff day after day. No clue what we would have done with the animals for food.

“Need any help?” Amanda asks me.

I shrug my shoulders. “If you want. You can open the cans, or start boiling water.”

She fills a big pot up with water, realizes I haven’t started a fire in the stove yet so she starts working on that.

“Sorry…my brain is out to lunch today or something,” I tell her.

“You ok? Things ok between you and Eddie?” she asks.

I nod my head. “Yeah…I mean as far as I know. Why would you ask me that?”

She smiles. “I don’t know. I guess I worry that something will happen between all of us and they’ll leave, or you and Eddie will leave, or something. And that thought kind of freaks me out. We really would have been fucked if they hadn’t have come. And you guys are always off in your own little world. Doing your own stuff. Sharing secrets. Can I confess to being jealous?”

I smile thinking about all the time I spend with Eddie. “Sorry. They have helped us a lot. I hope they stay when Spring comes.”

“Spencer tries to leave, I’ll kick his ass.”

“Things are good with him?”

She nods her head.

“Yeah?”

She’s smiling now…and blushing. “You know the box of condoms? Yeah, that didn’t last very long.”

I laugh at her. Then hug her. “I’m happy for you guys. A little worried…but happy.”

“And you and Eddie?”

I don’t know what to say.

“You’re blushing…what happened!”

“Nothing,” I say.

“You’re such a liar…I hear you two giggling in your room all the time. And he is always touching you. Always. He has to have a hand on you…or an arm around you, or be touching you in some way.”

“Well…this morning…he told me he loves me. Love. Like…you know how I feel about that word. And he said it to me. I don’t know how I feel about it.”

“About it? Him? Loving him?” she asks confused.

“No…I love him…but do you think he really loves me?”

She nods her head. “I told you he always has to touch you. I bet if he could, he would never leave your side, he would follow you anywhere.”

I smile remembering how when they first came I thought of him as my little puppy dog, following me around.

“He loves you. It’s sickening,” she says.

At first, I’m offended by what she just said. ..but when I look over at her I know she’s teasing.

“We could possibly be the luckiest people still alive,” she says.

I hesitantly agree. I hope we haven’t jinxed ourselves now.

Since we made dinner, Spencer and Eddie say they’ll do dishes and clean up.

“Or if you and Amanda want to do the kitchen, Eddie can help me with the animals,” I suggest.

Eddie walks to the back door, puts his hoodie on, then his boots.

I walk over by him, kiss his cheek, and then put my hoodie and boots on.

We hold hands walking outside to get the animals to put them back in the barn.

Neither of us talk. It’s strange…but I think we don’t have to talk to know what each other are thinking.

When we’re finished and go back in the house, Amanda and Spencer say they’re going to bed.

I take the lantern into the living room so I can read for a while.

Eddie comes in there with me and messes around on his guitar like he usually does to keep me company.

I start reading but have trouble concentrating. I’m listening to Eddie. He really is good.

I kiss his cheek.

He starts playing another song. I recognize it right away. Trouble by Cat Stevens. He plays for a minute, then he starts singing.

I try to pretend like I’m not listening because he has always been too shy or something and never sings in front of me.

It’s such a beautiful song anyway, but the way he sings it, with so much emotion makes it even more beautiful.

Where did this beautiful man come from? Maybe I did die and this is some sort of dream world or something. I won’t say heaven because I still don’t believe in any of that.

But how the fuck did I get so lucky.

An hour later I’m yawning. Eddie kisses my forehead. “Go get in bed, I’ll be up soon.”

I kiss him. Kiss his beautiful lips. I smile…nod my head.

I take the lantern upstairs with me…he gets his flashlight and heads outside to make sure everything is safe.

I set the lantern on my dresser so I can get undressed. I stand and look at the pictures that are still stuck to my mirror. Most have fallen off, but there’s still a few left. My parents, me and Amanda, me. I wish I had a picture of Eddie. What if he leaves in the Spring? Or if something happens to him. Would I eventually forget what he looks like?

I hear him coming up the stairs. He wraps his arms around me when he gets to my room. He just holds me for a few minutes.

He kisses my neck, my ear, my lips. I pull away. I look at him. I smile…reach up and caress his cheek.

He takes my hand and kisses my palm.

I take a step back. I take my shirts off and drop them on the floor. I unfasten my jeans and slowly slide them and my leggings down and off.

He stands there watching me. This is the most naked I’ve been in front of him. All I have on is my underwear. I wish I knew what he was thinking. His face…I can’t really tell. His brow is furrowed, almost like he’s angry…but his mouth seems to maybe have a slight smile.

I hook my thumbs in the elastic of the top of my underwear…hesitate for a few seconds…then I slide them down and off too.

He looks at me. Starts from my eyes…his eyes slowly moving down. He reaches a hand up…touches my cheek…then my neck.

“You’re beautiful,” he says.

I shake my head no.

He smiles. “You are. And I am so not deserving of being with you.”

I take him in my arms. Hold him. “Silly boy…I love you. Now get undressed and get in bed with me.”

I let go of him and get in my bed. I lay there and watch him. He stands still for a minute…then turns to face me. He hesitates…then takes his shirt off and drops it to the floor with my clothes.

He stands there and looks at me. He walks a couple steps closer to the bed.

“Don’t forget to turn off the lantern,” I remind him.

He walks back to the dresser and turns the lantern off. I can hear him undressing. His zipper unzipping. I wonder if he’s naked.

He gets in bed with me. We’re laying facing each other. I think both of us are nervous…maybe. I know I am…not sure why he would be. I’m sure he isn’t a virgin. And honestly…are we going to do anything? Am I going to do anything?

He caresses my cheek, kisses me on the lips, and then we’re kissing.

“Nothing has to happen, Mara,” he says when he takes his lips off of mine.

“I know…but I want to…I think.”

“If it’s supposed to happen…it will. Let’s not rush into anything. We have all the time in the world,” he says and kisses me.

Such a perfect kiss.

He pulls me closer to him. I can feel that he’s naked. I can feel him touching me. His body against mine. I want to be even closer. Now I understand sex…fucking. There’s no other way for us to be closer. I’ve never felt like this before. I mean yeah it could be because I’m young and just haven’t had the chance…but I think it’s just because he’s the right person. He’s my soulmate.