It’s late…or maybe I should say early. Very early morning. My best guess, around three am.
And it doesn’t even matter what time it is. In this world now, time means absolutely nothing.
All that matters now is the fact that they haven’t returned.
I can’t think of any good reason why they wouldn’t be back. No safe reason. Something happened. And it couldn’t have been anything good.
Sebastian and I drank the pot of coffee, then started on another one. I drank a couple of of cups until I couldn’t even stomach the smell of it.
We kept busy sorting the boxes of stuff they brought home earlier. Put everything away.
When it got too dark to do much of anything we joined Dave and Maggie in the living room.
We all played a few hands of Go Fish but Maggie was sleepy so I took her upstairs and helped her get her new pajamas on.
We laid in my bed and I read her a couple of stories until I realized she was asleep.
I left her sleeping in my bed and went to see what was going on downstairs.
I can hear Dave and Sebastian talking as I walk down the stairs. Quietly, I can’t make out what they are saying. They both stop talking and look at me when they see me standing in the doorway.
“How’s Maggie? She asleep?” Dave asks me.
“Yeah. I read to her until she fell asleep. She’s in my bed…I guess she can sleep there for now,” I tell them.
“We can move her later. We probably need to think about getting her a bed when we move. If she ever moves to her own room…I don’t know…has to be scary…” Sebastian says seeming to be talking maybe just to hear himself or to hear someone talking.
“Yeah,” I start to say but then wonder what he means. “Scary?” I ask.
“Yeah maybe. Scary…um…you know…she lost her whole family and we don’t know what she really understands. Does she know that everyone in the world got sick and died? Well, of course, not everyone, but the majority probably. We’ll probably never know how many people are left, but I wonder what she comprehends about what happened? I wonder what her family told her. You knew them?”
I nod my head but don’t know if he can even see me since we just have one lantern going.
“Yeah, I knew the family. Knew their other daughter, Sarah, better. She was my age, I went to school with her. With Scott too, but he was older. I didn’t know him as well. I knew the family, the parents because I would go with my dad sometimes to their farm. They had pigs too that we sometimes used to breed with ours, or we traded.”
“When did you last see them? Before everything happened?” Dave asked.
“Um…sort of…we were over there not too long before you guys were. That was the last time. But then it was only Maggie, Scott, and their mom. The last time I was there and everyone was alive was probably soon after school ended. I was out with Amanda and we stopped over there to see Sarah. She was already sick. Sarah would have missed graduation if it had happened because she was sick. I think her dad was showing some signs of being sick too when I look back. But at that point, we all didn’t freak out when someone coughed or if they got a nosebleed. I remember now so vividly when I realized my dad was sick and was going to die. I thought we were safe. Amanda’s family died and she moved in with us and then we took care of our neighbors while they were sick and disposed of their bodies when they died, and through all of that my dad never showed any symptoms. I thought how lucky I was, but I thought maybe somehow the universe knew that since they had already taken my mom from me when her liver failed, I thought there’s no way my dad will get sick and then like maybe two days later he was already bedridden and gone the next day. I’m sorry…I don’t even remember what we were talking about.”
Sebastian reaches over and touches my leg, rests his hand on it. “It’s okay Mara. We’ve all suffered too much from who we’ve lost already.”
I shake my head. “It’s not fair. I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.”
“Mara…” Sebastian says.
“No. I won’t.”
“Mara…let’s try to think positive right now. You know…until we know anything.”
I walk into the kitchen to get a drink of water. I stand by the sink staring out the window for a few minutes before closing my eyes and saying a prayer…or something like a prayer. Can you pray if you don’t believe in god?
I need them to be okay. I don’t think I can do this without my best friend or without Eddie. Will Sebastian be okay without Lynne? Will he and Dave stay here? And what about Maggie?
“I think I’ll try to get some sleep…you probably should too,” I hear Sebastian say.
I turn around to face him.
“There’s nothing we can do, get some sleep and if they’re not back by morning we’ll figure out…something…” he says before he heads upstairs.
He’s right. I know he is. I think I’m afraid to go to sleep because if I wake up in the morning and Eddie isn’t back…then I know he isn’t coming back. I don’t think I can face that right now…or maybe ever. If my Eddie is gone…there’s no point in continuing my life.
I do go up to my room…to my bed…my bed? I wanted to think that it was our bed now, not mine, but now maybe it is just mine.
I realize the covers are thrown nearly on the floor and my bed is empty. Where is Maggie? I start to go to my parent’s room and meet Sebastian in the hall right outside my room.
“Maggie ended up our room…She was looking for Lynne. Asked when she would be home. I told her probably really late tonight so if she went to sleep Lynne would be here in the morning…so I pray she is,” Sebastian says.
“Yeah…”
“Are you alright?” he asks.
I sigh. “Yeah.”
“Try to get some sleep…we’ll talk in the morning.”
“I’m not sure I can sleep…I haven’t slept alone since…since…well everything…” I say.
“Try to sleep, if you need anything come get me. Or if you can’t sleep. Or just want to talk.”
“Thanks. Hopefully, I can sleep…I need to sleep…” I say.
Somehow I do sleep though. And I feel tears in my eyes when I reach over and realize I’m in bed alone. I figure it’s around three am. As much as I want to go see if Sebastian is still awake, or maybe even wake him up just so I’m not alone I know he needs to sleep and Maggie needs to sleep, so I stay laying in my bed alone.
If there was light in the room I would work on sorting the rest of the stuff we got earlier, but I don’t want to waste batteries using a flashlight or kerosene in a lantern.
I lay there as long as I can, but have so many thoughts racing through my mind I’m going to go crazy just laying here.
I push the blankets off of me leaving them in a bunch at the end of my bed. I sit up on the side of the bed and stretch for a few seconds before I get up and walk over to the window that faces the backyard. I can’t see anything out there, it’s pitch black. Doesn’t even seem to be the moon out tonight or if there is, clouds must be blocking it. I hope that doesn’t mean snow is coming.
I think about making coffee but I know I’ll feel so lonely sitting in the kitchen alone. I decide the best thing for me to do is to get back in bed and try to sleep again.
I take one last look outside before going back to my bed. I fix the blankets on it, then get back in and cry myself to sleep.
Despite everything I oversleep. When I wake up it’s daylight outside. As much as I now want to just lay in bed I know I have to get up and take care of the animals. There’s no one else here that knows how to do it.
I slowly get out of bed and start getting dressed. I put the jeans that I wore last night back on. I don’t know if I should put on another long sleeve shirt or just a sweatshirt or something.
I go to look out the window to see if I can tell how cold it is outside and am surprised to see a layer of icy frost on the inside of my window. I go get a dirty shirt from my dirty clothes pile and use it to wipe the window off a bit.
I sort of hope to see the truck sitting out there near the back porch, but all I see is a fresh layer of pure white snow. It fucking snowed. Now Eddie can never come home.
I quickly run down the stairs to the kitchen, slip my boots on, put my coat on, and go outside to see how deep the snow is.
I step off the back porch and into the snow, it’s past my ankle, we must have five or six inches already and it’s still coming down fast.
I head to the barn so I can get everyone fed and make sure they have fresh water and not just ice.
I’m finished with the cow and pig and am getting the food for the goats when Sebastian meets me in the barn.
“What can I do to help?” he asks.
“I’m pretty much finished, just need to feed the goats and chickens and make sure they have enough straw and fresh water.”
“Well, you get the chicken feed and I’ll get the goat’s…if that works for you?” he asks.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I say and hand him the bucket of goat feed.
We go let the goats out into the yard, then dump their food into their trough. They all run around playing in the snow. Stupid goats don’t realize how shitty it is that it snowed. I wish I was just a stupid goat with not a care in the world.
Their water outside is starting to get some frozen spots so I crack the thin layer of ice on the top and stir it a bit.
We head to the chicken coop to take care of them. I check for eggs knowing there won’t be any, and there isn’t. Their water is the same as the goats so I again break the ice and stir it around a bit.
“Is anyone else up yet?” I ask Sebastian as we’re walking to the well.
“Both Maggie and Dave. They’re eating muffins. Dave said he would make milk again since Maggie asked for some.”
“I guess we can all eat muffins, for now, maybe cook something later,” I suggest.
“Yeah.”
We silently walk to the house. I start a fire in the stove when we get inside. Dave fills one of the pots with some of the water we brought in and sets it on the stove.
I guess that means they want coffee so I get the french press ready.
“Mara, will you play with me?” Maggie asks me when I sit at the table with her.
“Yeah, after we eat. What do you want to play?”
“With all of that,” she says pointing to the box of stuff Eddie got for her.
“Oh…yeah…we can play,” I reply.
“I think Santa came last night. When I woke up I had all those toys and it’s snowing,” she says.
I smile wishing I was still that innocent.
Dave smiles at what Maggie said.
Sebastian looks at me with a smile on his face.
I find it slightly odd that no one is saying anything about everyone still not being back. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it in front of Maggie…but Sebastian didn’t say anything when we were outside alone.
“I think the water is hot enough if you want to work your magic and make coffee,” Dave tells me.
I get up and go over to the stove to get the water.
I set the french press in the sink and dump the water in.
Maggie drinks the rest of her glass of chocolate milk. “Can I look at my toys?”
“Yeah. Go ahead and take them to the living room and I’ll be there in a bit,” I tell her.
After I get the coffee made I bring the french press to the table then get the three of us cups. I join Dave and Sebastian at the table.
I know I need to eat something, but a pumpkin muffin doesn’t sound appetizing. I don’t want to make something though, so I guess breakfast will be a pumpkin muffin.
Sebastian pours all of us a cup of coffee.
He takes a few swallows before he sets his cup down.
“So…I feel like we should talk about…about them not coming back…but not sure what we would even say. I mean…they never came back. That’s it,” Sebastian says.
“You don’t think we should go look for them?” I ask.
Sebastian thinks for a minute, takes a deep breath, and then lets it out. “Yeah…I mean under normal circumstances of course. I would have gone last night. But we have no way to even try to find them. We don’t have a car. If we even had a horse I would have tried to find them last night. There’s not really much of anything we can do.”
“So that’s it? What if they’re hurt or something?” I ask.
“There’s nothing we can do Mara. Nothing. We have no way to try to find them. Especially now that it snowed. If we did make the decision to go find them, who would go? You can’t go. Dave can’t. Maggie? If I go alone, what if I get lost? Or freeze to death? No one would know. And then you lose another person. We can’t take that chance. They’re in a better situation than we are. They’re all in better physical condition than us. And Eddie has a good head on his shoulders. If they can get back, they will,” Sebastian says.
When he says it like that, yeah it makes sense. But I need to know Eddie is safe and coming back. I’m not doing this without him.
I pick at a muffin. I eat most of it, but it takes a long time. By the time I reach for my coffee and take a drink, it’s pretty cold. I get up, dump it in the sink and pour me a fresh cup.
“Can we play this?” Maggie asks running into the kitchen.
I look to see what she has when she sets a box on the table. A doctor’s kit. I had one similar when I was her age. Maybe my parents had lofty dreams of me becoming a doctor? Maybe I could have saved my mom or saved the world from this sickness. Maybe the world didn’t need to be saved. Maybe this is exactly what it needed…a purge of sorts. A do-over. A I fucked up so let’s try again.
Will this new world be any better?
“Mara,” I hear Maggie say.
“Sorry Maggie, I got lost in thought.”
“Can we play this? I can be the doctor and make you better if you get sick, then you won’t go away like my mommy and daddy did. Or Sarah or Lynne.”
I bit my bottom lip and try to hold back tears. This poor little girl. The horrible things she’s been through. It’s so not fair.
I feel guilty that I’ve thought my life was so bad, but when I think of what she’s had to go through at her age in just the past six months or so, and that is not fair.
Then I think there might be kids out there that have it even worse. What about kids whose families died and they were left alone. The ones who didn’t get saved just by chance or pure luck.
The ones who survived the sickness but were left alone to starve to death or succumb to the heat of the summer or now the cold and snow.
Or maybe they were found by some wild animal. The dogs we come across now seem feral.
Or what if a person found them. A person like Scott who seemed to be someone so different than who I had known my whole life. What if someone like that had found Maggie? She would have been defenseless against someone. They may have kept her for sex…or killed her for food.
I hate that this is the world I’ll be bringing a baby into. Will I be able to protect it?
“Lynne will be back. I know she will. She’s not sick. I know that Lynne will do everything she can to get back to you Maggie. Same for Eddie. He’s going to do everything he can to get back to Mara. He loves her, he’ll be back,” Sebastian says.
I look at Sebastian, see his eyes filled with tears. I guess until now I wasn’t sure what his and Lynne’s relationship was, but now it’s obvious.
“I haven’t known Eddie long but I know if something happened to the truck he’s going to figure out how to fix it or he’s going to walk home to Mara. He’s a stubborn…I won’t say that word in front of ladies or children…but I’m sure you can fill in the blank. Sebastian is right, they’ll be back,” Dave says.
I go with Maggie into the living room while Dave and Sebastian clean the kitchen.
I let Maggie take my temperature with her toy thermometer. I let her check my reflexes with the plastic hammer, wrap me up in paper bandages, and then she kisses my forehead and tells me everything is going to be okay.
I lay on the sofa for just a little longer while Dr. Maggie cures my ailments.
Sebastian and Dave finish in the kitchen and join us.
I sit up making room on the sofa for someone else to sit with me.
“We could play a game…or build a puzzle…if you guys want. We have a lot of puzzles, I used to build them with my mom when she got sick,” I say.
“Yeah…we could…something to occupy our minds…” Dave says.
“Maybe not a puzzle, might be a bit much for Maggie…” I say.
“Let’s see what you have, she might want to play with her new toys anyway, ” Sebastian says.
I get up and start walking to the closet by the front door. “They’re all in here,” I say and open the door.
Sebastian stands and takes in the amount of puzzles and games we have for about a minute.
“Wow,” he finally says.
“Yeah…we have a lot of stuff…”
“How long was your mom sick?” he asks.
I look at him not sure how to respond. Should I tell him the whole story?
“I’m sorry…that was rude…and is none of my business,” he says quickly.
I shake my head. “It’s alright. My mom…she…she didn’t get sick and die from what everyone else did. She had a bad liver. She was on the transplant list but died before they found a liver for her. She was sick for years…” I tell him.
“I’m sorry Mara,” he says.
He wraps his arms around me, I assume to comfort me, but he breaks down. He starts sobbing.
“I’m sorry. You’ve been through too much. It isn’t fair. And I’m sorry…I’ve been trying to keep up a brave front, trying to protect all of you or something stupid like that,” he says.
I let him cry for a minute, rubbing his back trying to comfort him.
“Sebastian…it’s okay to break down. That’s the least we can do for ourselves, everyone has taught me to cry, get it out of my system, and then pick myself back up. Eddie says we survived for a reason, so I can’t give in to the bad thoughts I have sometimes. I gotta get through this.”
He takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out.
He pulls away from me, wipes his eyes. “You’re right, I know you are. I do believe what I said earlier, I refuse to think they aren’t coming back. I guess I just get overwhelmed with thoughts knowing what we’ve all been through already.”
“Sebastian…we can’t…there’s no reason to give up on them…I won’t. I refuse to. Until I have proof that Eddie isn’t coming back, I’m going to be here waiting for him. You said that before, and you’re right.”
The snow stops briefly in the afternoon and Sebastian uses the opportunity to cut as much wood as he can.
We need to go cut more logs or find more, but we really can’t find more without a truck.
We’re going to have to be careful using what we have. Figure out some sort of plan to get more when we need it.
For lunch, I go back to our old menu. We’re back down to four. And one day we’ll be five. If they decide to stay. I don’t know why they wouldn’t. There’s enough room here. Enough food. It’s safe. And unless they want to walk in the snow, which would be completely foolish, they have no way to get anywhere.
If for some reason Sebastian and/or Dave do decide to leave, I’ll insist they leave Maggie with me.
I get into a new routine. I still am usually the first one up and Sebastian helps me when he gets up.
He told me to wake him up so he can help, but I feel bad waking him up.
He does help me finish up, or he finishes with the animals while I start breakfast.
Dave will sometimes bring in the water and make coffee if he wakes up and I haven’t done it yet.
I still cook most of our meals. It’s not as fun as before when Eddie always helped me do everything.
Maggie is my shadow and likes to help me. It’s probably a good thing that she’s learning how to cook. When it gets warmer out I can teach her about the animals. I’ll need help with them in the spring and in the summer…in the summer I’ll need all the help I can get. By then Sebastian should know everything about the animals.
We’ll all teach her how to survive in this new world we live in now.
I didn’t sleep much the first week. After the first night, Maggie started sleeping with me, so I don’t know if my lack of sleep was from her being in bed with me or just missing Eddie. Maybe a little of both.
I switched pillows. Gave her mine and I took Eddie’s. The first few nights I would lay there inhaling the scent of him, pretending he was there with me.
And when his scent was gone from his pillow I would find random pieces of his clothes and sleep with them.
I would allow myself to cry only when I was alone. In the middle of the night when I would wake up and reach for him and only find Maggie sleeping with me, I’d curl into a ball on my side of the bed and quietly cry soaking up my tears with his shirt I had brought to bed with me.
I’d tell them I need to go check inventory in the basement or needed something from the barn and I’d stay away long enough to have a good cry. Only when I’m alone. I’m trying to be strong for Maggie and Sebastian…and for me and my baby.
But I need Eddie. He has to come back. I’m already forgetting the sound of his voice late at night whispering private things in my ear while we’re doing the most intimate things people can do. I can’t remember what it felt like to be in his arms. I know I felt so safe, but now I feel scared and lonely.
I can’t remember his touch. Or the way his lips felt on mine or what they tasted like.
I can still hear him playing guitar and singing to me we were alone. I was looking forward to him singing the baby to sleep. Teaching him how to play guitar. Him?
I sometimes lay my hands on my abdomen trying to get some sort of feeling or sign if there’s a boy or girl inside of me. And if it’s healthy. It has to be healthy. I won’t even entertain the idea that something could be wrong.
I always find myself staring out of windows or if I’m outside I stare through the trees that surround our fields just hoping for a glimpse of Eddie or any of them, but I need him to come back.
I’ve lost track of time again. Has it been a month? Longer?
I used to hate being snowed in, stuck here with just my parents. The tv going out at times. I’d get so bored and wish I could be anywhere else.
Now I’m stuck here with strangers. I shouldn’t say stuck like it’s a bad thing. I’m grateful for them. Grateful for the help, for the company. Especially for the company. If I had been here alone I think one day I would have packed my backpack and just started walking. Traveling to nowhere really. Looking for anyone. I know I wouldn’t have survived. Probably freeze to death in the snow. I’m sure I would have welcomed death.
We keep busy building the puzzles and playing the games my family had. Once again I’m grateful for my parents.
If the weather isn’t miserable then Sebastian will do some of the outside chores. Mostly chopping wood.
Dave has been drawing plans for an outhouse. Says they can build one here and one at the other house. He thinks the hardest part will be digging it.
I help him design ours. I suggest we make it a little bigger than normal because one day we’re going to be in there with our kids potty training them.
I also think we should have a place for a lantern or light.
Hopefully, we all survive the winter so we can get these built.
I keep busy teaching Maggie basic stuff like how to write her name and some simple words. The only grade she’s been through is kindergarten. I try to remember what we learned when I was in that grade but all I really remember was snack time and playing.
I think for now we’ll work on writing and reading. I want her to love to read because that seems to be the easiest way to pass time. I want her to be able to go to another country or world through books. To read about all this other stuff outside our little bubble.
During the day we read easy books together, but at night I read her a chapter from a bigger book. Right now we’re reading The Wolves Of Willoughby Chase. It was one of my favorites that my mom and I would read together. I was a little older when I first read it so I hope it isn’t too scary for her.
I encourage her to ask questions about anything she doesn’t understand. Sometimes when I would read with my mom or even reading at school I always felt stupid if I didn’t understand something so I would never ask any questions. I want Maggie to know I’ll always help her understand stuff. No question is stupid.
So after we read a chapter we always discuss what happened. Well, if she hasn’t fallen asleep while I was reading. Most of the time she manages to stay awake despite being tired. Even begs for a second chapter. I tell her we have to get our sleep so we can wake up and take care of the animals. She loves when I let her help me with the animals. Maybe she helped her parents with theirs. I hesitate to let her do it often because it makes it go so much slower and some days I’m tired and don’t want to deal with it, and it’s so damned cold out now. But if she asks I usually let her help.
This morning after we finish with the chickens I go back inside to grab the buckets for water and they aren’t there.
“You’re too late, I got the water and Dave is already working on the coffee,” Sebastian tells me.
“So come in and warm up, both of you,” Dave says.
Maggie and I kick our boots off and leave them by the backdoor. I help her take her coat off and hang it on the rack by the door then do the same with mine when I take it off.
“What should we have for breakfast? I know it’s horrible and I should be grateful to have food, and I am, believe I’m so happy to be eating food not from cans for every meal, but I’m kind of burned out on pancakes and oatmeal. When do the chickens start laying eggs?” Sebastian asks.
“Not until it gets warmer. Spring. I agree though, I want something that isn’t sweet. I want a burger and fries. Or pizza,” I say.
“I want pizza,” Maggie says agreeing with me.
“We need to learn how to make cheese, then we can make pizza,” I tell them.
“Do you know how?” Dave asks.
“Not exactly. I know we need to heat up the goat’s milk but I don’t know to what temperature or for how long. We need to figure it out though, it would be amazing to have cheese again,” I reply.
“Scrambled eggs with cheese,” Sebastian says.
“Grilled cheese,” I say.
“Y’all are making me hungry,” Dave tells us.
“I’m hungry,” Maggie says.
“Let me go see what we have downstairs. I refuse to have a sugary breakfast today,” I tell them.
I open the basement door, grab the flashlight off the top step where we keep it, and start to go downstairs.
“I’ll come with you,” Sebastian says.
I’m happy everything is still organized down here. I mean of course it is, no one else really comes down here and I make sure to rotate our stock and keep everything in its place.
“We still have a lot of stuff down here,” Sebastian comments.
“Yeah. Luckily. In a month though we’ll come down here and be surprised by how much we’ve gone through.”
He sighs. “Probably. Do you know what’s on the menu for tonight? We could get that stuff while we’re down here.”
“I didn’t check yet today.”
“We can come back down later,” he says.
I start scanning the cans to see if anything sounds good for breakfast. We have ten cans of corned beef hash.
“Do you like corned beef hash?” I ask Sebastian.
“Never had it. Not even sure what it is.”
“It’s good. Better with eggs, but it will be alright with toast.”
I get two cans of hash and start to get an onion and see we have some sad potatoes we need to eat like today.
“We need to eat these potatoes,” I tell him.
Sebastian walks over to the bin, picks up a couple, and looks at them. “Yeah, they’re getting soft.”
“We could have fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and whatever veggie we have the most of for dinner,” I suggest.
“Fried chicken…like one of your chickens?”
“Yes, like one of mine. Think you can help me kill one?” I ask him.
He hesitates for a minute, thinking I guess. “I need to learn how so yeah, I’ll help you.”
“Grab a couple cans of veggies and all the potatoes, we’ll do it after breakfast.”
I fry the hash with a little bit of onion. We eat it with toast. I think everyone likes it. No one complains.
After we eat, Dave starts the dishes. Sebastian and I start getting our boots on to go outside.
“Where are you going, Mara? Can I come too?” Maggie asks.
“I think you better stay inside…this is something for grownups,” Sebastian says.
“I’m a big girl. I know how to do everything on a farm,” she tells him.
“She’s right. I’m sure she knows how to do most everything here…and I’m sure she’s seen her parents kill a chicken,” I tell him.
“You’re going to kill a chicken? I know how to do that,” Maggie says.
“I guess I always forget that you and she grew up doing all of this. I know Maggie is going to teach me more than I can teach her,” Sebastian says.
“Should we teach Sebastian how to kill a chicken?” I ask her.
“I can teach him. Dave, we’ll have to play a game later, I have to go show Sebastian how to kill chickens,” Maggie says.
I help Maggie get her boots and coat on.
I ask Sebastian to go get the axe out of the barn and meet us at the tree stump where we cut wood while we go get a chicken.
Maggie and I stand outside the chicken coop staring inside like Eddie and I did about a month or so ago.
“Which one are we going to kill?” Maggie asks me.
I look down at her to see she’s now looking at me.
“I don’t know. I never know. And this is the last chicken we’re eating until we get new ones in the spring, or we won’t be having new ones in the spring.”
“Will Lynne and Eddie come back in the spring?” Maggie asks.
“If they’re not back before then.”
“I miss them. I want them to come back. My mom and dad…they aren’t coming back. Or Sarah. They’re dead,” she says.
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
“Everybody died. That’s what my mom would say. Everyone is dead she would say and cry. She said I was special,” she says.
“I think we are special. Eddie says we’re alive for a reason and I think that makes us special.”
“Alright ladies, where’s our chicken?” Sebastian asks us.
“We haven’t picked one yet. Do you want to?” I ask him.
“How do you pick?” he asks.
“I usually just grab the first one I can. I’ll go do it, probably easiest. They’re not scared of me,” I tell them.
I open the door to the chicken coop and go in. None of them are out here in the pen, smart birds, they’re all in their house.
I reach inside, grab one by its feet, and pull it out. I quickly make sure I don’t have my rooster before I leave the pen.
The three of us walk over to the stump.
“So, who’s going to do it?” I ask Sebastian.
“What do I have to do exactly?” he asks.
“Cut the head off,” I say plainly as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.
“How about I watch this time,” he says.
I shake my head and smile. “That’s what Eddie said. I’ll do it. Sebastian, you hold the chicken down, Maggie, you hold the head.”
I lay the chicken down on the stump. Sebastian holds it down. Maggie takes the head and pulls so the neck is stretched as far as it can.
I pick up the axe, I raise it above my head, close my eyes, and I hear Eddie’s voice saying “just do it, don’t think about it.”
The next thing I hear is a dull thunk as the ax sinks slightly into the tree stump.
I open my eyes. Sebastian hasn’t moved, he’s still standing there holding the chicken down. Maggie is holding up the chicken head looking at it. At least neither of them has blood on them like Eddie did.
“What should I do with this?” Maggie asks me.
“Throw it in the garden. It will make the soil good for growing,” I tell her.
I hand the ax to Sebastian after I wipe the blade off in the snow. I pick up the chicken by its feet and the three of us go into the barn.
I tie some twine around its feet and hang it on the hook we always use. I set the bucket under it.
“I guess we should go get cleaned up,” I tell them.
“I wish I could take a bubble bath. Sarah sometimes would pour a whole bottle of bubble bath in for me. We would have a zillion bubbles,” Maggie says laughing.
“We should probably bring in some water and heat it up to wash our hair, and wash up with. It’s been a while since I washed my hair,” I tell them.
“Will you help me?” Maggie asks.
“Of course. We’ll get all cleaned up and then lounge around in our pajamas today. Well until it’s time to put the animals back in the barn. I guess we better wait an hour or so before we clean up, wait until after we’ve plucked the chicken. That’s a messy job.”
“You guys go ahead in, get warm, I’ll start bringing water in,” Sebastian says.
“We had to show Sebastian how to kill the chicken, he didn’t know how. Isn’t that silly?” Maggie asks Dave running into the kitchen.
“Well then I guess you’ll think I’m silly too because I don’t know how to kill a chicken,” Dave replies.
That fact sends Maggie into a fit of giggles.
“You think that’s funny?” Dave asks her laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Sebastian asks coming inside.
“This little one thinks we’re silly because we don’t know how to kill a chicken,” Dave tells him.
Sebastian sets the buckets of water on the counter. “Well I hope you ladies realize Dave and I are at your mercy, we know nothing about how to do any of this. So hopefully you’ll teach us.”
“Of course. Next up is milking the goats. I’ll warn you, Eddie hates doing it,” I reply.
“I’m not sure I’ll enjoy it either, but I do enjoy milk, butter, and hopefully one day soon cheese, so I will learn to milk goats,” Sebastian says.
“What’s next for the chicken?” Dave asks.
“We need hot water. We dunk the chicken in hot water and it makes it easier to pull the feathers off. I’m going to let it hang for about an hour or so to drain the blood out, then pluck it, then cut it up. Soak it in salty cold water to drain even more blood out. Then Maggie and I are going to heat up water and retreat to my room for proper baths. Well as proper of baths as we can have in my bedroom,” I tell them.
“You make dinner, I’ll take care of the animals tonight,” Sebastian says.
“I can do dishes again,” Dave says.
Funny how Spencer was never this helpful. Yeah, he did dishes and stuff a few times, but it was only when Amanda offered her and him up. Never volunteered of his own free will. I’ll never understand him. Most of the time he was so mean to me, very rarely was he ever nice. Eddie is so different, how are they friends?
I heat up water and Sebastian carries it to the barn where I teach him how to pluck a chicken. I feel like one day we may want to save the feathers for something but right now I just toss them as I pull them out.
Same with the bucket of blood. I feel like we could use it for something but nothing comes to mind so Sebastian dumps it in the garden.
I take the chicken into the house while Sebastian takes care of the pot of water.
Again I don’t remember the proper way to cut up a chicken so I just split the breast in half and take out all the insides. I put them in a pot of water so I can add the back and some spices and make chicken stock we can freeze and use for soup or something.
We have a couple of coolers and plastic totes with lids we keep on the back porch for refrigeration. I’ll pour the finished stock into jars and we should be able to keep it for at least a week probably longer.
I finish cutting up the chicken. I decide since there’s just the four of us we should be good with two thighs, two drumsticks, and two breasts that I don’t need to fry the wings so I add them to my stock pot.
I get a big bowl, put the chicken in it, and then fill it with water. I add a decent amount of salt. My mom always said the salt helps draw out the blood. I don’t know if that’s true but this is what I always do.
With the chicken finished until I need to cook it, I turn my attention to heating up water for me and Maggie to clean up with.
While it’s heating I go upstairs to get everything ready.
I was going to do this in my bedroom but decide it will be easier in the bathroom up here.
We have one huge bathroom upstairs and then a smaller one off my parent’s room.
The big one I always loved. It has two nice sized windows that made it bright in there during the day.
There’s a huge old clawfoot tub. I would spend hours soaking in it.
My dad built a vanity table near the sink so we’ll have a lot of room for the water in here.
I go into my room and pick out clean clothes. I pick out more of the mix and match cotton pieces I got the last time I went to the store. If I ever get a chance to go back I’m grabbing them all. They’re so comfortable and perfect for layering.
I get a new pair of underwear and an oversized sweatshirt.
I take it all into the bathroom and go to Sebastian and Lynne’s room to get clothes for Maggie.
It’s easy to find stuff for her since we got so much. I get underwear, leggings, and a matching tee shirt dress.
On the way to the bathroom with her clothes I stop at the hall closet for towels and washcloths.
I pause there thinking how odd it is to be doing something so normal as getting a towel and washcloth to clean up with. Strangers in my living room. My life completely different from what it was a year ago.
I was still a high school student. My biggest problem then was that I knew my mom was not going to live a long life. Of course then I never had anything bad happen to me, I was so naive and sheltered. I had this stupid idea that she would get a transplant and would live a normal life for twenty or thirty years, you know at least until I was married and out of the house.
But now I am married and have a baby on the way and my parents are gone.
In a morbid kind of way, I want to go to the cemetery and dig up my mom’s body. Bring her here and bury her…maybe cremate her body like we did my dad’s.
Amanda said we should get rid of the ashes…said they might carry the disease…but I saved some. He was my dad! His ashes are in my closet, maybe I should take him to my mom. I know they would want to be together.
“Mara, the water is ready,” I hear Maggie yell up the stairs bringing me back to reality.
“Okay. I’ll be down in a minute,” I reply.
I take Maggie’s clothes and the towels into the bathroom and set them next to mine on the vanity.
I open the curtains at both windows to get as much light in as possible.
I look out the window. I always loved how clean and beautiful everything looked under a blanket of snow but now I can’t love it. I’m afraid it’s what is keeping Eddie away from me.
Please…universe…wherever he is…let him be safe…let him be warm and have food…and please let him come back to me.