No Such Thing as Time

Everyone helps unload when we get back.

All food goes in the kitchen so we can sort it and put away what stays here.

Eddie and Sebastian carry all of mine and Eddie’s stuff up to our room and take all of Lynne and Sebastian’s stuff to their room.

Everything else goes into the living room to be sorted.

It feels so good seeing all the supplies we’ve gotten. Makes me feel like maybe we will survive the winter.

“You got her pregnant?” Spencer asks Eddie as soon as he sees all the packs of diapers.

Eddie hesitates for a few seconds before replying. “Um…yeah, Mara’s pregnant,” he finally says.

“So the person who is always bitching about running out of food decides we need another mouth to feed? That makes a lot of sense,” Spencer says.

I mean…yeah I guess in a way he’s right. I’m glad no one replies though.

“Guess this means we’re not leaving in the spring,” Spencer replies.

What? Were they still planning on leaving? Is this something they talk about or something Spencer still assumed? I wonder if Spencer was leaving Amanda or if she was going with him?

“I haven’t been planning on leaving for a while now. I’m happy here and I think if we looked for the rest of our lives for a better situation we wouldn’t be able to find one. And I love Mara. If I ever do have to leave she’s coming with me,” Eddie tells him.

“If you plan on leaving I’m not going with you,” Amanda tells Spencer.

“I thought maybe he was still planning on leaving, you know since Mara is just a fuck to him,” Spencer says.

“I really wish you would quit bringing that up,” Eddie says to Spencer.

Eddie holds his left hand up. “See this ring? I’m committed to her and our baby. I’m not going anywhere. Yeah, I said stupid shit when we first got here, but things changed.”

I feel like everyone looks at Eddie’s hand and then mine to see if I have a ring.

“I sometimes feel like I don’t even know you anymore. You’re pregnant and don’t even tell me and now you guys are married? When does all this stuff happen?” Amanda asks me.

I can tell she’s not mad, just really hurt.

“We just found out I was pregnant this morning and that’s when we gave each other the rings. I was going to talk to you about all of this when there was time…” I say completely lying. I mean, yeah the old Mara would have run right to her best friend to talk to her about these huge changes in her life, but now it seems like Eddie is my best friend…maybe.

She looks at me, I’m not sure if she believes me or not. Maybe now she considers Spencer to be her best friend the same way I consider Eddie to be mine. Well, maybe I do.

“Are we ready to go to the store now?” Spencer asks Amanda.

“I guess,” she replies.

“Dave, are you interested in going?” Eddie asks him.

“I’d rather not. I hate getting cold, it takes me forever to warm back up. Can I give you a list and you can look for stuff for me?” he asks Eddie.

“Of course. Just write down what you want and sizes for clothes and I’ll do the best I can,” Eddie replies.

“Does someone have a pen and paper?” Dave asks.

“I’ll get it,” I tell him.

I get our notebook and pen out of the drawer in the kitchen. I take it to Dave after I get it.

“Hey, we should probably think about getting stuff like notebooks and pens. Pencils and stuff too,” I tell Eddie.

“Make me a list,” he tells me.

While Dave and I make lists, Eddie and Spencer pack supplies they might need. More food and water mostly since the blankets, flashlights and other stuff we didn’t use are still in the truck.

“Are you guys going to feel safe here if I go? I mean obviously, Mara can take care of any situation…or she could…” Sebastian starts.

“I still can. I’m not sick I’m pregnant and just barely pregnant. I can still do everything I always have,” I tell everyone.

“You can…I know…I just feel weird leaving you ladies and Dave here alone. Like we’re abandoning you or something. We’re doing the easy job and leaving you with the hard stuff. Or something like that. Does that make sense?” Sebastian asks.

“I understand what you’re trying to say, but as Mara said, we can take care of things here. We’ll be fine,” Lynne says.

“Maybe you should go with them Mara, and I can stay here,” Sebastian suggests.

I’m conflicted. In a way, of course, I want to go. Who doesn’t want to go on a free shopping spree? But I also feel strange about the four of us going and leaving them all here. The new people. Do I trust them? I want to. I really want to. I want to believe there are still some good people left in the world.

And honestly, what are they going to do? Even if they decide to leave and take some of our supplies it’s not like they can carry much.

But I trust them. I know they’re true and honest. If there’s anyone in the house I don’t trust, sadly it’s Spencer.

“You know, I’m actually kind of tired, so why don’t you go with them on this trip Sebastian. I think I’m going to eat some lunch, take a nap, and then if we go again later I’ll go then,” I tell him.

“I think one more trip after this one and that will probably be it for today. I don’t want to be out after dark. Just too much stuff to worry about in the dark,” Eddie says.

“I agree. We don’t need to take chances. We’ll get all we can today and hopefully, we can make more trips this week. A few days ago I was pretty sure we weren’t going to make it through the winter. Now I feel like we can do this,” Sebastian says.

“That’s how I felt until we found this place,” Eddie replies.

I get up and walk over to where Eddie and Sebastian are standing near the kitchen sink. I hand Eddie my list.

“Is this it?” he asks skimming over it quickly.

I shrug my shoulders. “Yeah. That’s all I can think of. Get what you think we need. Stuff we’re going to need in the next few months since we won’t be able to go anywhere.”

“Can you guys look at toys? I forgot to get some stuff to keep Maggie entertained,” Lynne says.

“I can try. I’ve never bought toys before, but I’ll get some stuff,” Eddie tells her.

Eddie holds an arm out to me. I stand next to him, wrap my arms around him, and lay against him. I close my eyes and just enjoy him. I love the way he touches me. The way I feel comfortable laying against him now. I feel like I’ve known him my whole life.

I listen to the chatter of everyone in the kitchen. Eddie, Sebastian, and Lynne discussing what they think we need to focus on getting before the snow comes. Spencer and Amanda talking about what they want to look for at the store. Dave is playing with Maggie, teaching her knock-knock jokes.

I try to remember what it used to be like here. When it was just me and my parents. We would be doing the same things. We would be preparing for winter. Preparing for when the snow comes. My dad would have cut as much wood as he could and then hired one of the local high school boys to come over and help him cut more. They would help him with the straw to keep the animals warm and anything else that needed to be done before winter.

I secretly think they were hoping I would eventually end up in a relationship with one of them. I know my dad was hoping I would stay near and maybe one day take over our farm. I know he was worried about me going away to college. Worried I’d meet someone from a faraway state, be swept off my feet, and move away. I admit I was sort of afraid of that too. I don’t think I could have made that kind of decision.

After my mom died I contemplated just not going to college. I thought I can stay here with my dad, get a job at the general store or somewhere else close. I wanted to take care of my dad. I was afraid of him being here alone with just memories of my mom. And what if something happened to him? I could have never forgiven myself. Maybe it was a good thing that I didn’t have to make that decision. In the end, I think my dad would have won, but I probably would have always wondered what if. And of course, my dad would have never let me not go to college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. My dad said to take whatever classes sounded interesting and I’d figure it out from there and if that failed, there was always the farm. He said I could always come home but he wanted me to try.

I think he would have liked Eddie. I know he would have been grateful for all the help Eddie has been to me, for the way Eddie has pushed me to keep trying every day.

I wonder how they would feel about me being pregnant? I think they would have been happy, maybe not at first, but I know they would have been thrilled to have a grandchild.

My dad talked about building a house for me when I got married if I didn’t want to stay here, but I think I would have stayed, especially after my mom died, there’s no way I would have left my dad alone.

“We need to go so we can get back soon,” Eddie says.

I start to pull away from him, he kisses my forehead quickly before letting me go.

I grab his hand as he’s walking away. He turns and looks at me with his panty-dropping smile. He pulls me to him.

“Don’t…you know I gotta go. I’ll be back as soon as I can. You concentrate on going through everything we got this morning and putting it all away. Then have lunch and take a nap. I’ll be home before you wake up,” he says and kisses me.

I sigh. “Only if you bring me some candy.”

He smiles again. “I’m going to grab all the Zero bars I can find.”

“You better,” I reply as he’s walking away.

Lynne, Dave, and I sort through all of the food we got. A lot of it what we got this morning is for us here now, but we didn’t get much. The snacks we’ll keep here and they’ll get some to take with them.

We split up the canned meats leaving a little bit more here for us since they’ll be here for at least another week.

We do the same with the pasta and potato products we got.

We’re going to eventually have to get canned vegetables. I really don’t like canned vegetables but we need vegetables in our diet and until next summer when the garden starts producing, the only thing we can do now is use the canned stuff. The thought of mushy canned tasteless food makes my stomach churn slightly and I realize maybe it’s because we haven’t eaten since breakfast and I think we need to think about lunch. I’ve heard some pregnant women feel sick if they wait too long between meals so maybe it’s not the thought of canned veggies, it’s this baby.

Maggie sees the boxes of mac and cheese, picks one up, and brings it to Lynne.

“Is this what we should have for lunch?” Lynne asks her.

Maggie smiles and nods her head.

“You know, we have tuna and mayonnaise, we could make tuna salad and have sandwiches with the macaroni. Maybe I’ll make enough so they can have some when they get home,” I suggest to Lynne.

“Oh my gosh, I can’t remember when I last had either of those. Especially a tuna salad sandwich,” she replies.

“Same. I love tuna salad, and tuna casserole,” Dave says.

“I don’t think Eddie likes tuna but he eats it,” I tell them.

“Do you think we have enough water to boil the macaroni?” Lynne asks.

I check the pots we have on the stove. “Yeah probably. We’ll just have to get more for dinner. I’ll go ahead and get some started. Any idea how many boxes we’ll need for eight people?”

She thinks for a minute. “Um…two? Maybe make three, we’ve all been working hard today,” Lynne says sitting down at the kitchen table. She starts sorting the cans of meat that we still have stacked there. “How many cans of tuna?” she asks.

“Two big ones? Or should we use the small ones? I guess it doesn’t matter. Maybe we should check the dates,” I suggest.

I check how much wood is in the stove, decide to go ahead and add a couple more pieces, then I set one of the pots of water on the burner so it can boil.

“We probably need to check dates on everything, use the older stuff first. Maybe we could write the date, well at least the year, on the tops of the cans and boxes just to make sure nothing ever gets wasted because it’s expired,” she says.

I nod my head. “Sounds like something we should do. We really can’t afford for anything to go to waste.”

“We need to make sure we store stuff according to dates too. Stuff closer to expiring in the front,” Dave says.

“Yeah. That’s how we have it downstairs now, but writing the date on the tops will help. Probably do month and year that way we can see at a glance what we need to use first,” I explain.

“I wish we had a month to stay here and learn everything you know,” Lynne says to me.

I blush, I know I do, I feel my cheeks burn slightly. “Thanks,” I mumble.

“You know it’s true, don’t be embarrassed. I know nothing about farms, and animals, storing food, baking bread…” Lynne starts to say.

“Oh, bread! We probably need to make a few loaves today, I think we have maybe one left. Remind me to write a list while we’re making and eating lunch. We need yeast. And flour. And sugar. And everything.”

I pull out a chair and sink into it.

“Are you alright?” Lynne asks after a few minutes.

I absentmindedly nod my head. “I just get overwhelmed, and I guess scared, when I think of everything we need to do in the next few days, and worry what we’ll do when the food at the store runs out.”

Lynne reaches a hand across the table and squeezes one of mine. “We’ll figure it out. Find another store or house we can raid. Learn how to make flour out of wheat. You already said we should make vanilla, which I can’t wait to try, so we’ll get books and figure it all out.”

Dave stands behind me, puts his hands on my shoulders. “We will. You know how we’ve all been saying before we found you guys we didn’t think we would survive the winter, and now we have hope.”

“It’s all because of Eddie. He’s pushed me to keep going,” I say.

“It’s not all him. He’s told me he had no idea how to do half the stuff you’ve shown him. None of us would be alive if you hadn’t pushed yourself to keep your family’s farm going. Eddie may be doing a lot to help now, but if your family’s farm wasn’t here, and you and Amanda keeping it going, I doubt any of us would have survived. We may have lasted a few more days, a week, but there’s no way we would have survived the winter,” Dave says.

Dave opens three big cans of tuna for me. I drain them and empty them into a bowl. I sprinkle salt and pepper in it and then add a few pinches of dill.

I toss all of that together to get the seasoning evenly distributed before I add mayonnaise.

I stir it in mixing it up with the tuna. It seems a bit dry so I add in just a bit more mayonnaise.

I taste a little bit and it seems perfect. I mean, it would be nice to have celery and some eggs to add to it, but as is, it’s really good.

I wrap the bowl tightly in aluminum foil and set it out back on one of the coolers so it can chill a little.

I start slicing the rest of the loaf of bread we have. After lunch, I have to start the bread dough. We need bread.

While I’m slicing the bread, Lynne dumps three boxes of macaroni into the boiling pot of water. She adds a couple of sprinkles of salt and then gives it a stir.

I sliced the bread into ten slices. Luckily we have enough for us for lunch, just have to make sure I get the dough made right after lunch so they have some when they get home.

I go peek out the back door to make sure the tuna salad is safe, and it is. It’s quiet as it can be out there.

“I really miss the timer on my phone,” Lynne says.

“Yeah,” I say agreeing. “It’s always little things like that that I find myself missing the most. Especially Google. It’s so hard now to find out how to do stuff. Before I’d just Google it or find a video on YouTube, now we’ll have to find a book to show us or teach us. I guess what we miss is how easy life used to be.”

“That’s it. And most of the world didn’t even realize how easy it was,” she says.

She gives the pot of macaroni another stir.

“Can you keep an eye on this for a couple of minutes? I want to dress Maggie in some of her new clothes,” Lynne asks me.

“Go ahead, I can finish this.”

“I wish I could give her a quick bath, that’s what I miss, being able to shower or take a bath easily,” she tells me.

“Oh yeah. The things I’d do to be able to take a bubble bath. To just lay in a hot tub of water reading a book until the water gets cold. I miss that.”

“Nothing I can do about it right now I guess,” she says.

“Hey, go in my room and get a pack of baby wipes. You could at least wipe her off. Just keep one of the packs for you guys and we’ll have to make it a point to get all the wipes we can find. I think I’ll clean up and put on new clothes after lunch.”

“Are you sure?” she asks.

“Yeah go ahead. I can finish making lunch.”

“Then I’ll do the lunch dishes,” she says as she’s leaving the kitchen heading to the living room where Maggie and Dave moved to.

I stir the macaroni for a few seconds before I fish a noodle out of the pot with the spoon. I hold it to my lips and blow a couple of times, then I eat it. Perfect.

I get our colander out of the cabinet and set it in the sink. I get the macaroni pot, carry it to the sink and dump it all in the colander.

I give the colander a couple of shakes to get the water out of the noodles then leave it in the sink until I’m ready for it.

I decide to try to make some of the powdered milk to put in the macaroni. I’ve never made it before so I get one of the boxes and read the directions.

Seems easy enough. I don’t need much so I make the smallest amount they have directions for, one cup. It’s just one cup of cold water and 2/3 cup of the powder.

Since I’m making a small amount I don’t want to use a bowl and whisk so I look in the cabinets for a better idea.

I find the perfect thing. My mom used to drink a lot of protein drinks and some were powdered. She had a cup with a lid we used to mix them. It’s perfect to make this powdered milk.

I rinse it out since it hasn’t been used in forever, then add the water and powder I need. I put the lid on and shake it until it looks mixed. I set it on the counter by the stove.

I dump the macaroni noodles back into the pot and set it back on the burner so I can heat it all up a bit.

I dump my whole cup of milk in, add all three packets of cheese powder, and the tiny bit of butter we have.

I stir it for a minute, then taste it. Yum!

I put a lid on the pot to keep it warm while I make the sandwiches.

I set four plates on the table and then bring in the tuna salad.

The plate of bread is already on the table so I get a knife and sit at the table to make sandwiches.

When I’ve made three, Lynne and Maggie come into the kitchen.

Maggie looks so much better than she has. All clean, in new clean clothes that fit, and her hair is brushed.

“Maggie, you look adorable,” I tell her.

She really does. She has on rainbow striped leggings and a tunic style bright orange sweatshirt.

She also has on socks and slippers.

“Doesn’t she?” Lynne says.

I nod my head.

“I know she feels better. Thanks for the idea about the wipes, I never would have thought of that,” Lynne says.

I make the last sandwich then get up to get the macaroni.

“Are you hungry Maggie?” I ask her.

She nods her head.

I bring the pot of macaroni to the table and add some to each of the plates.

When I’m finished I set it back on the stove and put the lid on it.

“What’s everyone drinking?” I ask.

“I guess water since we haven’t made tea or anything,” Lynne says.

“Alright, I’ll get everyone a glass of water if you want to get Dave,” I tell her.

The tuna salad sandwiches are delicious. You don’t realize how good things taste until you haven’t had them for a long time. Maybe that’s why Christmas dinner and Thanksgiving always seem so delicious.

What will we do when all the cans of tuna are gone, destroyed, or expired?

I’d say the same about mayonnaise but I know there’s a way to make it. Eggs…oil?…vinegar? My grandma made her own. It was the only kind she would eat, and now I wish I had paid closer attention to her.

I guess I should be happy about the things I do remember how to make like bread, noodles, and pumpkin bread. Oh, pumpkin bread! We should make pumpkin bread today. It’s a good filling snack and a little healthy too. Crap! We don’t have any eggs. I wish I knew something we could substitute for eggs. Actually, I wish I could go to the damn store and buy some. I’m starting to agree with Amanda, I’m over playing pioneer woman.

I guess I can look and see what we have that maybe I could use in place of eggs.

After I make the bread dough though, we need bread.

“Mara, that was delicious. I think I had forgotten what real food could taste like after eating only canned stuff for so long. And I can’t even remember when I last had homemade bread. Sandwiches really do taste better on homemade bread,” Dave says.

I blush. “Lynne helped,” I start to say.

“I did nothing but dump the macaroni into the pot. Mara, we would all be lost without you.”

I shake my head. I don’t take compliments well at all.

“You guys would be fine,” I say as I get up.

I start gathering the plates so they can be washed but Lynne stops me.

“My job right now. You take a break,” she says.

“If you want to do them, I’ll start the bread dough.”

“We better stay in the other room out of the way,” Dave says picking up Maggie and carrying her to the living room.

“Will you guys add some wood to the fire,” I ask them.

“We’ll make sure there’s a roaring fire,” he replies.

Lynne and I giggle at his silliness.

Bread. Something we have to make every day now. Well if we want…but having bread makes things easier. If someone is really hungry they can eat a peanut butter sandwich since we have probably fifty jars of peanut butter. And a nice amount of jams and jellies too. We already had a few jars each of homemade apple butter and peach jam, and have picked up a few other flavors at random places.

When the hens start laying again we could try making egg salad. We can do tuna salad again too I guess but I feel guilty for using meat for lunch. Right now I have no idea what to make for dinner. Since we doubled in size we haven’t always paid attention to the menu we wrote up.

Maybe tomorrow or the next day we can do inventory and a new menu.

I go down to the basement to get what I need for bread. Flour, yeast, some sugar. When I get a couple of cans of evaporated milk and I see we have sweetened condensed milk. I wonder if using that in pumpkin bread would replace the eggs? I decide to try. Hopefully, it will at least make something edible.

I find an empty box and start loading it with everything I need.

I carry the box upstairs when I’m sure I have everything. It’s pretty heavy, maybe I should have made two trips.

When I’m at the top of the stairs I get a cramp that makes me double over.

I set the box on the landing, turn around, and sit on the top step holding my abdomen.

“Mara, anything I can do to help?” I hear Lynne ask.

“No,” I manage to say.

I sit there hoping the pain goes away. I hope everything is okay.

“I’m almost finished here so don’t try to do everything. Let me help,” Lynne says.

I lean over and rest my head on my knees. Take a few deep breaths and let them out wishing this pain to go away.

“Mara!” Lynne says loudly.

I hear her move the box then come down the stairs and kneel on a step in front of me.

“What happened? Are you alright?” she asks.

I sit up and look at her. I nod my head. “Yeah…the box was just kind of heavy…I should have made two trips. I have like…a pain…a cramp…it’s pretty much gone now.”

“I should have gone down and got the stuff you needed, or at least carried it up. Are you okay now?” she asks.

I nod my head.

She stands back up and walks up to the top step. “Dave…Dave…can you come here.”

“Can you stand up? I think you should go lay down in the living room and rest.”

“I’m fine,” I start to say but Dave is suddenly at the top of the stairs.

“What happened?” he asks.

“Mara carried this heavy box up and now she has a pain or cramp or something. Can you move the box to the table so we can help her up,” Lynne says to him.

I hear Dave behind me pick up the box and move it, then come back over to the stairs.

“Okay now, what can I do to help?” Dave asks.

“I’m okay. I can get up,” I tell them.

Lynne walks down a few steps in front of me and stands there, I guess in case I start to fall.

She holds a hand out to me. I take it and slowly stand up.

“See, I’m fine,” I tell them.

Dave takes my other hand and holds it while I walk to a kitchen chair and sit down.

They let go of my hands but they’re both staring at me.

“You guys…I’m fine. The pain is gone,” I tell them.

“If you have any more heavy boxes, let me carry them,” Dave says.

“And while we’re here let me help more. Especially now,” Lynne says.

“Okay, I promise I will ask for help more often. But right now I need to make bread and I want to try to make pumpkin bread without eggs.”

“How can we help?” Dave asks me.

“If you guys insist, I’ll sit here and make them, so I need bowls and measuring spoons.”

“What is everyone doing?” Maggie asks running into the kitchen.

“Helping Mara make bread. Do you want to help?” Lynne asks her.

“I don’t know how to make bread,” Maggie says.

“I don’t either but Mara is going to show us,” Lynne says.

Dave brings a couple of big bowls to the table and then a set of measuring spoons and a set of measuring cups too. “Do you need anything else?”

“We need to make milk. Do you want to try?” I ask him.

“As long as I have directions.”

“Yeah, they’re on the back of the package. I made some earlier and it was pretty easy. The hardest part was getting it all mixed. You probably want to use the whisk. There should be a pitcher in the cabinet under there you can use,” I tell him pointing to the cabinet by the sink.

Dave works on making the milk while Lynne heats up water for the yeast.

I help Maggie measure the ingredients into the bowl for pumpkin bread.

When we’ve added everything and mixed it, I add enough of the sweetened condensed milk until I think it’s the right consistency.

“Should we make bread or muffins?” I ask her.

“Muffins.”

“I think that’s a great idea,” I reply.

“Where’s the pan?” Lynne asks.

“Should be in the same cabinet the pitcher was in,” I tell her.

“I’ll get it. Here’s the milk, hopefully, it’s okay,” Dave says setting the pitcher of milk on the table.

Maggie looks at it for a minute, examines it.

“Milk?” she finally says.

“Yeah, it’s milk. But not what you’re probably used to,” I tell her.

“Can we drink it?” she asks.

“Well…you could…not sure what it would taste like though. You know what though…hold on,” I say and walk over to the pantry.

I dig around in there for a minute until I find what I was looking for.

I victoriously set the container of Nestle Quik on the table.

“Oh, Maggie look what Mara found for you. Want me to get you a glass of chocolate milk?” Lynne asks her.

She nods her head excitedly.

“What can I do to help you, Mara,” Dave asks me.

“Will you see if there are cupcake liners in the drawer by the stove. If not we’ll have to oil the pan and I’d rather avoid that.”

While Dave looks for the liners, Lynne gets a glass out of the cabinet for Maggie’s milk.

“I think this is what you’re looking for,” Dave says setting the pack of liners on the table.

“Yes, thank you.”

Lynne finishes mixing the chocolate powder into about a half glass of milk and sets it in front of Maggie.

Maggie picks the glass up and takes a drink. We all watch her waiting to see her reaction. She takes another swallow before setting the glass back down on the table.

“Can I put these in?” she asks pointing at the cupcake liners.

“Yeah,” Lynne replies.

The three of us kind of look at each other and shrug our shoulders. I guess the milk is okay for her to drink.

Dave and Maggie get the pan ready and work on scooping the pumpkin batter into it while Lynne and I make the bread dough.

When the dough is ready I put it in a covered bowl and set it on the stovetop to rise. Then I put the pan of muffins in the oven to cook.

With Lynne helping me with the dishes, and Dave and Maggie cleaning off the table, we’re finished with everything quickly.

We all go into the living room to rest until they get back.

“Wanna play a game, Maggie?” Dave asks.

“What kind of game?” she asks.

“Go Fish. Do you know how to play?”

She shakes her head.

“Well, I think it’s time we teach you.”

Dave gets up off the sofa and gets his backpack. He digs around in it until he finds a couple of decks of cards.

“Mara…Lynne…either of you want to play?” he asks.

“No. I think I’m going to go wash off and put some clean clothes on. I might join the next round though,” I tell them.

“I’ll watch this time and maybe join later,” Lynne says.

“Alright. We’ll get so good they won’t be able to beat us,” Dave tells Maggie.

I get up from the chair I was sitting in. “I’ll be back I’m going to go change. Can you guys try to remember to check the muffins in a bit?” I ask them.

“Yeah, we’ll take care of them, go take some time for yourself Mara, you do so much for us,” Dave says.

“Thanks,” I reply and head up to my room.

Our room is a mess with all the stuff Eddie got yesterday and now the stuff we got earlier. At least our stuff from today is sorted into boxes, but right now with boxes everywhere it’s so messy and makes me kind of claustrophobic.

We really need to clean in here, hopefully, we can work on it some tomorrow.

I think for now the baby stuff can be sorted by size and then stored under my bed.

I’ve known for months that there’s no reason to keep my school textbooks in my room. I’m not even sure why I kept the few I have. A few classes offered us our textbooks because they were getting new ones for the next school year and for some reason I thought it was a good idea to keep mine. They literally had been sitting on my dresser since the last day of school until a month or so ago when one of us moved them to the floor by my dresser. Our dresser. I need to get used to the idea that everything is mine and Eddie’s now. Our farm. Our room. Our bed.

I look at our bed, even it’s a mess. It never gets made now. I used to almost always make it and if I didn’t then my mom would. But lately, neither Eddie nor I ever make it. Maybe we’re both hoping we’ll get a chance to crawl back in, just sneak away from everyone for twenty minutes and enjoy each other. It never happens, but we still never make the bed. We really need to start getting in better habits, like cleaning up after ourselves in here.

I need to go through my closet and get rid of stuff I’m not going to wear. Or at least take it to the basement.

Eddie is such a slob. He leaves his dirty clothes wherever he happens to take them off. Just leaves them there. I guess he thinks I’ll pick them up and wash them, and yeah I guess so far I have been.

Once I have this baby I’m not going to take care of the farm, take care of the baby, and take care of him too.

Baby…I’m having a baby. That will never seem real to me.

I wish I knew something about babies. Anything.

I really wish my mom was still alive so she could be here to show me how to take care of a baby. Her first grandchild. She would have been over the moon happy. My dad too.

I wish they could see me now. See my husband and soon our child. See us continuing our farm.

I think they would be happy that I don’t plan on ever leaving.

I remember what I came up here to do before I got distracted by my messy room, clean up and change clothes.

I grab a pack of baby wipes out of the box they’re in, toss the wipes on the bed, and shove that box under the bed.

I get the box with my clothes in it and set it on my bed.

I start to dig around in it to find something to wear but I can’t find anything and decide it will be easier to just dump it out.

I dig through the clothes but kind of sort the stuff in piles too.

I won’t be needing the granny panties for months so I toss them over into one of the boxes of baby stuff.

I find my new bras and put them in the dresser. I do the same with the rest of my new underwear except for one pair I keep out to put on. I keep out one of the pairs Eddie picked out for me. Nothing like I’ve ever worn before. The tag stated they are cheeky boy-shorts whatever that means. He picked out red, of course. I walk over closer to the dresser and stand in front of my mirror holding the underwear in front of me. I watch myself as I slowly move my hips and giggle at how ridiculous I think I look.

“Why does he like me dressing in stuff like this?” I ask myself.

I shake my head and toss them on my pillow with the wipes I’ll use as soon as I finish sorting my new clothes.

Next, I pick up the one-piece fleece pajamas I got. I should wear this to bed tonight. Eddie will see me and be so disappointed, he won’t say anything but he has this face that I know he’s sad or disappointed. But then we’ll get in bed and I’ll take off the pajamas and he’ll see the underwear I have on and I know the face he’ll make then. His little shy smirky smile. Kind of dirty, but he tries to hide it and fails miserably every time.

Not tonight though. I just want to change and relax for the rest of the night. I know Eddie said I can go on the next trip today, but I think maybe Lynne and Sebastian can go, I just want to stay home and maybe play Go Fish with Maggie and Dave.

We should pick up more games. I want to teach Maggie how to play Candyland and Memory. And she might be old enough for Life. But the rest of us could play those and more. We could play Scrabble…Monopoly…Yahtzee…I need to see what games we have in the hall closet downstairs but we should get extras too in case we lose pieces. And puzzles. We need to get puzzles. When my mom was sick we would sit by her bed and build puzzles for hours. While it’s too cold to do much more than our chores outside right now, we can sit in the kitchen or living room and play games and build puzzles. Hopefully, everyone enjoys stuff like that as much as my family did. When Eddie gets home I’m going to have him dig around in the closet to see what games and puzzles he can find.

Distracted, again! I really need to try to focus. Back to my clothes.

I sort everything that’s left folding stuff as I go and making nice little stacks of clothes that I can easily put away when I’m finished.

And it doesn’t take long. I put the maternity jeans and the two pairs of bigger jeans on the shelf in the top of my closet.

I keep the two pairs of jeans that are my size out, just fold them and set them on the top of the dresser. Do the same with the leggings.

All the pajamas Eddie picked out for me I fold and put in my pajama drawer.

Now, all that’s left are the long sleeve cotton tee-shirts and matching pants that technically were supposed to be pajamas, but I plan on wearing them whenever I want.

I pick out a shirt. A deep purple color, eggplant I guess you would call it. I decide to just wear the matching pants too so I put both of those on my pillow with the other stuff.

I open the packs of socks and match all of them up, toss one pair on the pillow with the rest of my stuff, and take the others and dump them in my sock drawer.

I sit on the side of the bed and take my shirts and bra off and toss them on the floor by the door. I open the pack of wipes and pull a couple off. I wipe off everything that is exposed. As soon as I’m finished I put my new shirt on.

I take my socks off then stand up and take my jeans and underwear off and kick it all over with my other dirty clothes. I get a couple more wipes out and wash off with them before dropping them on the bed.

I pull on my new underwear and I have to admit that they do feel very nice on. I walk back over near my dresser to see how they look on.

I stand and look at myself from the front then turn to see how the back looks…well I turn as much as I can and still see myself in the mirror. Now I understand why they’re called cheeky…half my buttcheeks are sticking out the bottom.

I turn back around to face the mirror. I look at myself for a minute before slipping my shirt off over my head and then looking at myself again.

Is it possible that my boobs are already getting bigger? They seem like they are.

I turn sideways and look at myself. I don’t look any different. If you saw me you wouldn’t suspect I was pregnant. Of course, I could be like two weeks pregnant or a month, we may never really know. I lay one hand on my abdomen to see if it feels any different…I don’t think it does. I wonder when I’ll start to feel and look pregnant?

I hear something, an engine in the distance. Pretty sure it’s the truck, so I quickly put my shirt back on and finished getting dressed in the matching pants, the socks I picked out and a new pair of jeans. Hopefully, I stay warm, and I should as long as I stay in the kitchen or living room.

When I get down to the kitchen, they’ve just parked near the back porch. Lynne and Dave are both already in the kitchen by the back door putting their shoes on. I could slip my new boots on and help, but I think I’ll let them all unload and I can start sorting stuff.

Dave opens the door right as Amanda gets to the porch carrying a box. She sets it on the table in the kitchen. “This is mostly food that stays here I think? I guess we can bring it all in and sort it and figure it out.”

It’s getting chilly in here with the door open so I get my hoodie off the coat rack by the back door and put it on and zip it up before I start sorting the box of food.

Soon there is a parade of everyone carrying in boxes, setting them down in either the living room or living, or carrying them upstairs, then going back outside. With everyone except me and Maggie helping, they get finished in just a few minutes.

“Is there any coffee?” Sebastian asks.

I shake my head. “I can make some in just a few minutes though.”

“Please,” he replies. “It’s getting really cold.”

I put a pot of water on the stovetop to heat up and then start prepping the french press. Amanda grabs a bag of chips out of one of the boxes and opens it before sitting at the kitchen table. Spencer leans against the table near where Amanda is sitting.

Eddie comes in last carrying a box overloaded with stuff.

“Where’s Maggie? This is what I picked out especially for her” he says.

“She’s napping. After the delicious lunch Mara made, and then Dave taught her how to play Go Fish, she said she wanted to close her eyes for just a minute and she was out,” Lynne tells him.

Eddie looks disappointed. He sets the box down by the living room entryway.

“You’ll just have to give it to her when she wakes up. I know she’s going to be so happy,” Lynne says.

“Unfortunately we need to go right back so we can get another trip in today. While we were loading the truck we heard gunshots. Couldn’t tell from where or if they were coming our way or leaving the area, but if they find the store, or even the farm, we have no idea if they’re friendly or not. We can’t take any chances. We need the stuff from the store. We need to make at least one more trip tonight before it gets dark. Grab as much stuff as we can and hope they don’t find the store. So…who wants to go?” Eddie asks.

“What? Gunshots?” Lynne asks,

“Yeah. Freaked me the fuck out. Eddie helped us all keep calm. Said let’s load as fast as we can and get the fuck out of here. And he’s right, we need to make one more trip tonight and get as much as we can since the next time there may be nothing left we can use,” Sebastian says.