No Such Thing as Time

When I woke up I could tell things were different. Even though I woke up all snuggled into Eddie I could tell things were different…he was different…or maybe it was me.

I got up like usual even though I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed with Eddie and enjoy him again. When I got up, he stirred slightly but stayed asleep. I quietly picked out clothes to wear for the day and started getting dressed.

“I’ll get up with you…just give me a minute,” Eddie says.

I sit on the bed next to him, lean close and kiss his cheek. “I didn’t mean to wake you up. I can take care of it. Sebastian has been helping me with the morning chores, he might get up and help me today.”

Eddie shakes his head. “It’s my job, I’ll do it.”

He lays still a few seconds before he throws the covers to the end of the bed. He sits up on the side and stretches.

“Sleepy?” I ask him.

He shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe a little. It’s just nice being back in our bed.”

He gets up, walks to our dresser to get clothes. He pulls on a new pair of boxer briefs we got the last time we were at the store.

“Go back to bed if you want, I can do this. Or Sebastian is probably up to help me.”

“I’d like to help you. This was our thing, my job with you unless you prefer Sebastian helping. Any of my other jobs he took over for me while I was gone?” he asks while putting his pants on.

“What do you mean?”

He stares at me for a few seconds shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t know…anything. You know…anything I used to do for you that maybe now you prefer him to do.”

“I kinda feel like you’re insinuating that something happened between Sebastian and me…but you can put that idea right out of your head. Sebastian is nothing more than a friend. Yeah while you were gone he helped me out…and so did Maggie. Dave did what he could to help.”

He doesn’t reply. He gets a pair of socks out of the dresser, sits on the bed, and puts them on.

“I hate when you’re quiet,” I tell him.

“Nothing to say.”

He doesn’t move, just sits there not even looking at me.

“Nothing?” I ask.

He looks up at me, stares for a few seconds before shaking his head. He gets up, picks up his cigarettes and lighter off the nightstand, and lights a cigarette. “I gotta piss…I’ll be outside,” he says and leaves our room.

He’s so frustrating. The whole time he was gone all I wanted was for him to come back to me, but right now he’s acting so strange. Almost like he wants to be here…but doesn’t…or something. I know he has something on his mind.

It’s quiet while we do our morning chores. Both of us just going through the motions on autopilot. I wish I knew what was bothering him.

When we’re finished and heading to the well to get water, I see Sebastian is already there working on getting it.

“I saw Eddie was helping you with the animals so I thought I would take care of this,” Sebastian tells us.

“Thanks, I guess I’ll go figure out breakfast,” I tell him.

“Yeah, back to cooking for eight. I’ll be inside in a few if you need any help,” Sebastian tells us as we head inside

I’m not sure what to make. Pancakes really are the easiest to make for a lot of people. I’m sure we have some fruit we can put on them, or in them or something. We have bottles of syrup, enough to last several years. Pancake mix too. I just as well make them every day for breakfast until we run out.

I start getting everything I need. A mixing bowl, spoon, a measuring cup to pour the pancakes onto the griddle, vanilla, powdered milk…

“You still make coffee every morning?” I hear Eddie ask me. I turn to look at him.

“What? Coffee? Yeah, I’ll make coffee…sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry…nothing to be sorry about…I was just asking. What can I do to help?” he asks me.

“Um…I don’t know…get some fruit I guess, for the pancakes. I don’t know what else we can make besides pancakes…”

I’m rambling. Nervous for some reason. I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting him. I don’t like this feeling. I want to go back to how it was. I was so comfortable with him. I need that back.

“Downstairs? I’ll see what we have. And pancakes are fine. If anyone complains they can go without.”

He kisses my cheek before heading towards the basement. Right after he goes down the stairs, Sebastian comes in with the water.

“I think we’ll get some snow today…the air feels different. I’m afraid we’ll be stuck here until spring,” Sebastian tells me.

I look at him. He seems okay today. I wonder how things are with Lynne and him. Did they go right back to how they had been or are things off with them too?

“Yeah, once we get snow it stays for weeks. I’m surprised they made it home. I’m glad they did, but I was surprised. It won’t be horrible if you guys have to stay here a little longer. We’ll figure it out.”

He sets a bucket of water by the stove for me so I can get the water for coffee heating up. I hear Eddie coming back up. I have a lump in my stomach now. I don’t know why I’m feeling so anxious around him. Something is wrong. I can’t figure out what…but there’s something between us now.

While I’m making pancakes the others slowly start waking up. Maggie comes running into the kitchen sad that she’s too late to help me with the animals. She tells us Lynne is up and getting dressed. Dave comes into the kitchen soon after Maggie. Sebastian finishes making the coffee and pours a cup for him and one for Eddie. I bring a plate of about fifteen pancakes to the table. “You guys can start with those and I’ll make some more.”

“Are you going to do anything with this?” Eddie asks holding up a can of apple pie filling.

“Shit…”

“Mara said a bad word,” Maggie says.

“I did, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah…let me open it,” I say and grab the can from Eddie.

I open the can and look at it. I pick it up and sniff it. I guess I could warm it up and people could put it on top of their pancakes. It’s already sweet and has cinnamon in it. Fuck it…I dump the can into the rest of the batter I have and mix it up. We can have apple cinnamon pancakes.

Amanda and Spencer come down soon after I’m finished cooking. Amanda gets Spencer a cup of coffee before she sits down.

“Do you want something to drink?” I ask her.

“Yeah, I’ll get some water or something in a minute.”

Everyone else has already eaten. It’s just the three of us at the table. Eddie is rinsing off the dishes at the sink. Something is not right though. I don’t know what it is. No one is talking. I wonder what happened between everybody. I know Eddie said he was tired of Spencer, but it seems like there is something more.

“Anybody want any more?” I hear Eddie ask.

I look over at him. He’s standing near the table with the plate of pancakes in his hand. I shake my head. Spencer takes two more.

“I’m good,” Amanda tells him.

“Mara, you haven’t eaten anything,” Eddie tells me.

I look down at my plate. He’s sort of right. I took a couple bites…I can’t eat anymore.

I’m to the point where I really hate pancakes. I realize I’m probably horrible for not wanting them since I’m the one who said we should just make them every morning, but I can’t eat them anymore. I can’t even think about them. The goats can have mine.

“I’m full or something,” I say while getting up. I scrape the food off my plate into the bucket for the animals.

“I guess we waste food now…” Spencer remarks.

I refuse to let him upset me. I take a deep breath. “I’m going to go clean our room if you’re going to finish in here,” I say to Eddie.

“Yeah, I’ll finish in here,” Eddie says.

I start walking towards the stairs, Eddie grabs my arm. I turn towards him.

“Are you okay? You seem upset or something,” he says.

“Tired maybe. I don’t know. Something is…different…everyone is…different…” I sigh. “I can’t explain it because I don’t understand it all. I guess I thought you guys would come back and everything would be just like it was before and we would go back to our original plan but it’s nothing like it was before. We’re all different somehow. How could things change so much in just about six weeks?”

The three of them are looking at me but no one says anything. I shrug my shoulders.

“I don’t understand what’s happening,” I say before heading up the stairs to my room.

I make the bed when I get to our bedroom. I’m not sure why I do, I very rarely make the bed. After I’m finished, I gather up our dirty laundry and make a pile by the door. Our room is pretty much clean, I just needed to be away from everyone. I lie down on the bed thinking, trying to make sense of everything. I don’t understand what happened. We’re all different now…somehow. We grew apart or something. The people who left here aren’t the same people that came back. I feel like I don’t know these people at all, especially the man I considered my husband.

The day is quiet. Everyone going through the motions, doing what they’re supposed to, what they usually do, but it’s like we’re all on autopilot. Even Maggie seems off…distant. Maybe she can feel the same thing as I do? Something is wrong. I fall asleep I guess. Not sure how long I sleep. I’m sort of awake when I hear Eddie come into our room to get his cigarettes. I open my eyes a crack so I can see what he’s doing. He’s standing by the dresser, looking for something maybe. He pulls a picture of me off the mirror. He looks at it for a few seconds before sticking it in his back pocket. He grabs one of the bottles of alcohol he got on one of the first trips and leaves the room. He didn’t even check on me.

It’s dark out but I can’t gauge what time it is. I hate napping during the day because it makes my sense of time all messed up. Eddie is still up so I guess it isn’t really late. I don’t smell food cooking or cooked so it must not be dinner time yet. I wonder if they’re waiting for me to make dinner?

I sit up on the side of the bed…just sit there trying to decide if I want to get up and go downstairs to see what’s going on, or go to bed. I guess I need to go downstairs and see what’s going on.

I find it kind of strange that it’s so quiet while I’m walking down the stairs. I don’t hear anyone. Sebastian and Dave are in the living room playing cards.

“Hey sleepyhead, feeling better after your nap?” Dave asks me.

“I guess. Maybe a little. Where’s everybody else?”

“Maggie is in the kitchen with Lynne helping her make dinner. Um…Amanda and Spencer might be upstairs…maybe. I saw Eddie outside with a bottle of something,” Sebastian tells me.

“Outside? It’s cold to be outside,” I say.

“I agree. That’s probably why he had a bottle of something, to keep him warm,” Dave says.

“Are you alright? Do you need something?” Sebastian asks me.

“No…I mean I’m fine…I don’t need anything. Just wanted to see what was going on I guess. I’ll go see if Lynne needs any help then see if I can find Eddie.”

“Do you guys need any help?” I ask Maggie and Lynne.

“I hope you don’t mind that we started dinner. I thought I’d go by your menu…if that’s okay…” Lynne says. “That’s fine. I’m so tired lately.”

“You need to eat. You skipped dinner last night and breakfast today. Eat something. Is there something I can make for you?” she asks.

I shake my head. “I’m just not hungry. I’ll eat dinner tonight, I promise.”

“Something to drink? There’s juice,” Lynne says.

“I’m going to go outside and get a soda…and see if I can find Eddie. Sebastian seems to think Eddie is outside.”

“He did go outside. Mumbling something about he shouldn’t smoke in the house. Amanda went with him…said she wanted to talk to him,” Lynne tells me.

“When was this?”

“Right after we came in here so ten minutes or so.”

“Well…I guess I’ll go see if I can find them,” I tell them while slipping on my boots.

“Don’t stay out there too long, the temperature is really dropping,” Lynne says.

I wonder what Amanda wants to talk to Eddie about. What they can’t talk about in the house with everyone. And where is Spencer?

I grab a can of soda off the back porch and drink the whole thing while I walk to the barn.

I look in there first. I don’t know where else they would even be if they aren’t in the barn.

I don’t find anyone in there. I also see that the animals haven’t been taken care of yet. No one fed them, no one brought in the pig or goats. I should know better than to rely on people. It really pisses me off though especially after the discussion Eddie and I had this morning.

I dump a bucket of feed into the pig’s trough and then go outside to get him.

I do the same for the goats. I fill a bucket with chicken feed and I go feed them.

I take the empty bucket back to the barn and get some feed for the cow. She looks like she’s healthy now. Tomorrow I might take her outside and walk her around.

I close up the barn making sure to lock the doors. I decide to go back inside since I can’t think of anywhere else they would be.

“Did you find them?” Lynne asks when I get inside.

I shake my head. “I didn’t find anyone. I took care of the animals though since no one had.”

“I’m sorry, I think when we saw Eddie going outside we figured he was taking care of them.”

“It’s fine, they’re all fed and inside. I just can’t figure out where Eddie has disappeared to. He wasn’t in the barn,” I say trying to make some sense of everything.

“He’ll show up…I mean…where else could he be? He has to be here somewhere.”

I go upstairs. Maybe I’ll go to bed. I really should eat something though. I need to think about the baby.

I can hear Amanda talking to someone in her room. I guess she made it back inside.

I look in my room to see if Eddie is in there, but it’s still empty.

I go to her room to see if she knows where he is.

I stand outside the door, I start to knock but pause when I hear Eddie’s voice.

I try to listen to them, try to figure out what they’re talking about, but I can’t hear them well enough.

I turn to go to my room. I’m an outsider now. Amanda has Eddie and Spencer, Lynne has Sebastian and Dave, I have no one. An outsider in my own house.

I’m almost to my room when I hear Amanda call my name. I go into my room. I want to pretend I didn’t hear her.

She comes in with me.

“What were you and Eddie doing outside? And in your room? He’s in your room?” I ask her.

“Just talking. He’s drinking though. Probably pass out soon.”

“Drinking? Why? I wish I knew what was going on,” I say.

“I wanted to talk to you before Spencer said something stupid. I’m not sure what Eddie’s told you…” she starts.

“He said it wasn’t his place to say…but I kind of guessed that you’re pregnant. I hope I’m right. Our babies will grow up together.”

“He didn’t say anything else?” she asks.

“Not really…I don’t think. We talked a lot, maybe, just what happened to you guys. Didn’t say much though except you and Spencer argued a lot but made up a lot too. And I guess you did if you’re pregnant. You are pregnant?” I ask her.

She nods her head. “Eddie didn’t tell you…anything?”

I shake my head. “He’s been acting strange though. Distant or something. Things don’t feel the same. I wish I knew what it was. I don’t know if he’s mad at me or what.”

“We need to tell you. I don’t know if I can though,” she says.

“Tell me what?”

I feel sick. Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe it isn’t anything bad. I’m sure it’s something stupid that doesn’t even matter. I feel dizzy. I really should have eaten. I sit on my bed, Amanda sits next to me.

“Eddie might think you don’t need to know, Spencer would love to tell you just to hurt you, and I don’t want to tell you but you need to know.”

She takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. “One night we were all drinking. We drank too much. Drunk…acting stupid. Spencer was being even more of an asshole, and we argued. He got pissed and ran off, said he was sleeping somewhere else. Eddie said that would be great so maybe the rest of us could all get some sleep without having to worry that we would argue or fuck all night. Lynne said we were all acting stupid and would be embarrassed in the morning. She went to bed. Eddie stayed up and drank a couple more beers. I went to bed not long after Lynne. When I heard Eddie get in his sleeping bag…I decided I didn’t want to sleep alone. I unzipped his sleeping bag and got in with him. I started kissing him right away, and he was kissing back, but I don’t think he realized who I was and what was going on. Once he realized I wasn’t you, he said it wasn’t right and we shouldn’t do anything, I told him we wouldn’t tell you and we didn’t know if we were ever going to get home anyway. I told him it would be okay. No one would know. We wouldn’t tell you or Spencer.”

She looks at me. She picks up one of my hands. “I’m sorry Mara. I…don’t know why I did it. Maybe to hurt Spencer or something stupid like that. Never to hurt you…”

I pull my hand away from her and get up. I walk to my bedroom door. I have to get out of here. I don’t want to hear anymore. It can’t be true. “Mara…don’t let this come between us. Neither one of us can afford to lose a friend now. And I don’t want to lose my best friend. We’ve been through a lot together. It happened one time. Lynne was right and we were embarrassed and regretted everything the next day. Eddie and Spencer fought and worked it all out so I hope we can too.”

I turn to look at her. I thought she was my best friend. I never thought she would betray me. I can only think of one thing that would make this worse. If it’s true I don’t think I can accept it. I have to know.

“The baby? Your baby…is it Spencer’s?” I ask her.

“Yeah…it’s Spencer’s. I was only with Eddie one time and I was already pregnant.”

“Why would you drink if you were pregnant? Why risk complications when being pregnant and having a baby in the world now is so risky?” I ask her.

She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. You know I do stupid shit all the time. I’m not smart like you, Mara.”

Yeah, flattery isn’t going to work on me now. I wish they would leave. Everyone. Okay maybe not Lynne, Sebastian, Dave, and Maggie, I wish Amanda, Spencer, and Eddie would leave. We could survive fine without them causing drama all the time. “Mara…please talk to me,” she says.

I shake my head. “Just go. I don’t want to hear this.”

I want to go to bed. I want to sleep. I want everyone to go away. How many times have I thought this now? Pretty much ever since Eddie and Spencer showed up. I just need them to leave. “Mara, we need to talk about this. All of us. Well, me, you, and Eddie. We need to figure this out. I can’t stand having you mad at me.”

“You fucked my boyfriend! Not even my boyfriend, I consider Eddie my husband. Or I did before he cheated on me. I don’t know if I want him in my life now. But you fucked him. I can’t just forgive you or him. I don’t know if I ever can.”

“You want me to leave?” she asks.

I nod my head.

“Can we talk later?” she asks.

“Maybe…I don’t know…I just…I need to think.”

She sighs. “Alright. I’ll leave you alone for now. But…I hope later we can talk.”

I don’t say anything.

I shut my door after she leaves. I need to be alone.

I just want to sleep. Maybe when I wake up I’ll be able to figure things out.

I change into pajamas. I don’t even want dinner. I know I need to eat, and I will tomorrow, tonight I need to go to bed and sleep.

As soon as I’m in bed trying to get comfortable and sleep I hear yelling coming from Amanda and Spencer’s room. It sounds like all three of them are arguing. I don’t know if I want to deal with this. I hear Eddie yelling about something. It’s hard to know what exactly he’s yelling about since he’s drunk and sort of slurring his words. I guess I better see if I can deal with him.

I get out of bed and start to go into the hall. I stop at my bedroom door and take in a deep breath and let it out before I open the door to see what I can do to help.

Sebastian and Lynne are coming up the stairs and meet me in the hall. “We thought we better see if you need us,” Lynne says.

“She told me what happened,” Sebastian says.

I feel my cheeks burn. Somehow I’m embarrassed by him knowing that Eddie cheated on me. Him knowing Eddie is exactly like every other guy I’ve ever known and is more attracted to my best friend than me. He doesn’t love me…for some reason, I guess he decided he couldn’t be with Amanda, so he accepted me. It’s happened before.

“You fucking told her? You’re so fucking stupid,” we hear Eddie yell.

“She had to know,” Amanda says.

“Thanks for ruining my fucking life,” Eddie says.

Someone pulls the bedroom door open so hard the doorknob goes into the wall behind it. He’s surprised to see all of us standing in the hall.

“She didn’t ruin your life, Eddie, you did that on your own. Don’t blame it on her. You’re both to blame,” I tell him.

“She came on to me. She got in my sleeping bag,” Eddie yells at me, getting in my face.

“Don’t scream at me. Especially in my face,” I tell him and push him back away from me. “Find me when you’re not drunk. If that’s something that still happens. We really need to talk,” I tell Eddie.

I try to walk away from him but he grabs my arm.

“Let’s talk now, ” he says.

“No, you’re drunk. You probably won’t even remember anything tomorrow. And I’m not going to deal with you when you’re like this.”

“Eddie, why don’t you go sleep in our bed tonight. Let Mara have some time to herself…let her…” Lynne tries saying.

“Time for herself? She’s had the past two months to herself. Unless she wasn’t alone,” Eddie says gripping my arm tightly.

“Let go of me. And go sleep this off, I don’t want to deal with you like this. If this is who you really are then you need to pack your shit and leave. I won’t have a baby around you like this. This is ridiculous,” I tell him. “Will you guys make sure he doesn’t fall down the stairs or try to sleep outside and freeze to death?” I ask Lynne and Sebastian.

“Yeah. Go rest, we’ll take care of him,” Sebastian says.

“We deal with drunks all the time in the er, so don’t worry about him,” Lynne tells me.

I look at Eddie. I hold his chin in my hand so he’s looking in my eyes. “Hey…I love you…but I won’t deal with you like this. When you have a clear head, come find me so we can talk.”

I lean close and kiss his lips. “Goodnight Eddie.”

“Goodnight guys, I’ll see you all in the morning.”

“Mara, you promised me you would eat,” Lynne reminds me.

“I’ll eat breakfast,” I tell her when I go into my room.

As soon as I go into our room I get the other two bottles of alcohol from the dresser. Eddie is going to make a decision, he can get rid of these and we can work things, or keep them and go away and live somewhere else. I’ve never had to deal with someone who drank, I’m not about to start now. I don’t have time to deal with bullshit like that. I get the cartons of cigarettes too. I put all of it in an empty box. Maybe I should pack his clothes? Is he going to pick me or his vices?

I lay down for a bit but I can’t fall asleep. I consider packing all of Eddie’s stuff but I think he’ll do the right thing and choose me and our baby. I lay still, eyes closed trying to sleep, but there’s too much going through my head, I can’t sleep. It’s quiet in the house, I’m sure everyone else is asleep. I decide to go downstairs and make cookies. We have a lot of chocolate chips and stuff to make cookies. And grabbed plenty of applesauce that I can sub for the eggs since we don’t have eggs right now. I can’t wait until we can make applesauce and apple butter.

Next summer we’ll have our garden. Fresh potatoes and carrots and tomatoes. Peas and green beans. We can grow lettuce and cucumbers and have salad. When the chickens are big enough we can have soups with fresh veggies.

And we can fish. Beautiful fried fish.

If we survive this winter. I’m still a little worried about the snow and cold. We could still get more snow or even ice, and it gets the coldest in January. And yeah I don’t really know when January is, but I think it’s probably still December.

I add some wood to the stove when I get to the kitchen. I start getting out the stuff I need. Bowls, a big spoon, measuring cups, and spoons. I get the baking soda, salt, and vanilla out of the cabinet and set it on the counter. I’ll have to go to the basement for the rest of the stuff.

I open the basement door and pick up the flashlight off the top step. I walk down the stairs in the dark and only turn the light on when I get down to the shelves of storage. I turn on the flashlight and look around for a basket or box to put everything in. I find a basket under the shelf and pull it out. I forgot to bring something down to put the flour in. I decide instead of going back up to get something I grab one of the small bags of flour we’ve picked up somewhere. I go ahead a get a bag of sugar and brown sugar too. We’ll end up using it within the next week or so anyway. I also get two bags of chocolate chips and a small bag of pecans. I take the basket of stuff up to the kitchen and set it on the table with the other stuff. I start measuring everything into two bowls. One bowl for chocolate chip cookies and the other will be chocolate chip with pecans.

I get everything measured and into the bowls and realize I forgot the applesauce. I hope there’s some in the cabinet so I don’t have to go back to the basement. I can’t see much in the cabinets with the lantern sitting on the table and it’s heavy to hold, I decide it will be easier to go back to the basement and get some instead of getting a flashlight and looking in the cabinets.

Back down to the basement, pausing briefly to grab the flashlight again. I grab two small cans of applesauce and run back up the stairs depositing the flashlight back on the top step. I gasp and drop both cans when I get back in the kitchen because I see a dark figure standing by the stove. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I heard someone up, thought I’d see who it was,” Dave says.

He walks over to me, picks up the cans of applesauce, and hands them to me. “You scared the crap out of me,” I say laughing slightly.

“Sorry. Jesus…come sit down,” he says.

I set the cans on the table and sit down. “I didn’t wake you up did I?” I ask him.

“No, I was up. Couldn’t sleep.”

“I couldn’t either.”I sigh.

“It’s going to work out. Eddie…he’s very…stubborn…very…emotional. But he also is very smart. Very loyal,” he tells me.

“Yeah. I don’t know. Don’t know what to do.”

I measure the applesauce and put it in the two bowls.

“What are you making?”

“Chocolate chip cookies. I bake when I’m upset and can’t sleep. Maybe I should get a healthier hobby,” I tell him.

He laughs. “Only if you eat everything.”

“I usually share so I guess I’m okay.”

I get up and get two cookie sheets and set them on the table. “I think I’ll make coffee. Do you want coffee? You’re probably ready to get some sleep,” I say rambling.

“Let me make the coffee, or at least get the water going. You’re going to have to work your magic to make the coffee.”

“Deal.”

I fill both cookie sheets with balls of dough and put them in the oven. “I miss having a phone with a timer. We need to find one of those wind-up timers,” I tell him.

“That would make life easier. It’s little things like that it seems people miss the most.”

“You don’t miss your phone?”

“Nah. You have to remember I grew up with a clunky phone attached to the wall. When cell phones were what everyone was using, I still had my clunky phone on the wall,” he says laughing.

“I don’t even think I’ve ever used a phone with a cord.”

“Well when everyone was switching over to having just cell phones, my youngest daughter bought me one. Said, dad, just keep it in your pocket so if you ever fall you can call someone. I kept it. Never used it. I’m glad I didn’t waste any time learning how to use it.”

“Yeah. When I think of all the time I spent on my phone.” I sigh. “Wish I could have that time back. All that wasted time I could have spent with my parents.”

“They understood. Us old people, we love our kids, but we need a break from you guys,” he tells me and laughs.

“Yeah?”

“The weekends, when my girls would go out, my wife and I would have our special time.”

“I refuse to believe my parents had sex, ever. You had kids?” I ask him.

“I did. Four girls. Kept thinking I would have a son, didn’t work out like that. But I loved my girls. And then I was a grandpa and I had a grandson. He was my fishing buddy.”

“I don’t know anything about babies. Never even changed a diaper. I’m scared to have a baby,” I tell him.

“You’ll figure it all out. And you have a lot of help,” he says.

“Yeah, but when I have the baby you guys won’t be here.”

“I’m sure Lynne will be here when you have it and stay until you’re comfortable.”

“I know.” I sigh.

“I’m just scared…nervous. I can’t take care of myself, now I’m going to have this helpless little person that will depend on me. That’s terrifying, especially in this world. I would have been scared if the world was how it was, you know? Gone off to college, made stupid decisions, and ended up pregnant. I mean my dad wouldn’t have been happy, but he would have accepted it and welcomed me back home, but I still would have been terrified. In this world, though I’m not sure what’s scarier, trying to figure out how to take care of a baby or worrying something might happen and it’s not like I can call a doctor or take it to the hospital.”

I get up and take the cookies out. I leave the pans on the stove while I look for the cooling racks. I want the cookies to rest on the pans for a couple minutes so I work on making the coffee. I set the french press on the table and get two coffee cups. I transfer the cookies from the cookie sheets to the cooling racks, then fill the cookie sheets with dough and put them back in the oven.

“You’ll figure it all out. You sound a lot like my wife when she was pregnant with our first. We were alone, had moved across the country, had no family around. Of course, we didn’t have some of the other issues that are going on now, but it was a scary time. And when we didn’t maim or scar her by the time she was two we decided we would try to give her a little brother. And then tried that two more times.” He laughs. “I guess my swimmers didn’t know how to make a boy.”

I laugh with him. I bring a plate of cookies to the table then sit down and pour each of us a cup of coffee.

“But you loved your girls, and you had a grandson.”

“I did…I did. I had nine grandchildren. And of course, I loved all of them. I was about to be a great-grandpa, sadly that didn’t get to happen. But I loved all of them. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?” he asks.

I take a bite of a cookie while thinking about his question.

“No preference?” he asks. He picks up a cookie and takes a bite. He sighs. “A couple months ago I never thought I’d have a fresh-baked cookie again…a delicious fresh-baked cookie.”

“Thanks…and…I guess I haven’t really thought about that much. I think we’re mostly thinking if it will be healthy. I mean yeah we were immune to the sickness, but my parents weren’t…well I guess we don’t know about my mom, but my dad wasn’t immune and I’m guessing Eddie’s parents weren’t either, so how do we know if the baby will even survive.”

“Yeah. I guess we won’t know until the time comes.”

“It’s like I want to be prepared, we need to be prepared. We need to have diapers and clothes and bottles and everything a baby needs, but then I don’t want to have all this stuff…I don’t want to look at all the things we’ve picked out and collected over months if we lose the baby. I guess thinking about having a boy or a girl makes it more personal. Gives it a personality. Gives me a connection to it and I don’t think I want to be connected to it if it’s not going to survive.”

We both eat quietly for a couple minutes.

“Sorry, I guess that was morbid or depressing or something.”

“Maybe, but sadly it’s what you’re facing right now. We’re all going to help you and Eddie get through it,” he says.

We each eat a couple more cookies and have another cup of coffee before Dave decides he should try to get some sleep. I know I can’t sleep, no point in trying.

I go ahead and start the bread dough for tomorrow.

I put the pot of water back on the stove to heat up for the yeast. I’m going to have to go back downstairs for more flour.

I do that quickly. Something creepy about a dark basement scares me at night. I need to warm up more water so I can wash the bowls I used for the cookies. I probably have just enough water. There’s no way I’m going outside in the dark while everyone else is asleep.

I think I hear someone walking around upstairs. The floor creaking at times.

I go back to working on my dough, if someone comes down I’ll put them to work. I’m measuring yeast when I hear someone coming down the stairs. I kind of expect it to be Lynne checking on me, maybe Sebastian, never expected it would be Eddie. He’s dressed in only a towel around his waist.

“I didn’t expect you to be awake this early,” I tell him.

“Yeah…well…I guess when you’re wet and cold it’s hard to sleep.”

“Wet and cold? Why were you…” I start to ask him but realize what he must mean.

“Oh…I guess that explains why you are dressed in only a towel,” I say.

“I could really use a shower but I don’t think that’s possible so I thought I would warm up some water and do the best I can.”

“I used all the water we had left in here.”

“Of course you did. I deserve this. I guess I can put on my boots and go out in the cold and get more.”

“You could…or you could go up to our room and clean up the best you can for now with the wipes we got and then later we can get some water,” I suggest.

“That sounds like a better idea. I wasn’t looking forward to going out in the snow naked,” he says slightly laughing.

“I’m almost finished here, well for now. Once I mix the dough I can’t do anything else until it rises. So maybe you go get cleaned up while I finish this and then maybe we can talk.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to talk but I know we need to. I’m stupid, I do the stupidest stuff, I hope you can forgive me,” he says.

“You’re not stupid, but you do seem to make stupid choices. I need you to start making better choices because we’re going to have a baby and I need your help.”

It only takes me a few more minutes to finish what I need to do now, so I go up to our room to see if he’s finished getting cleaned up. When I open the bedroom door he’s pulling on a pair of boxer briefs. I stand and watch him. I get so mad at myself that I can still be physically attracted to him, want to have sex with him when I’m upset with him.

“Hey…are you finished?” he asks when he realizes I’m in the room.

“I am. Looks like you’re finished too.”

He takes one of my hands and takes me over to our bed. He sits down, I stand in front of him. I lean over and kiss his forehead. I sit on his lap straddling him.

“Are you attracted to me?” I ask him.

“Are you serious? I know you can feel what you’re already doing to me.”

Of course, I can, I’m sitting on his lap.

“Then why did you fuck Amanda? All the years I’ve been best friends with her I’ve always been second in everything. Always the guys would want her. I get it, she’s prettier than me, skinnier, funnier, more outgoing. And then you came along and even from the beginning I thought, I think he likes me. And then I find out you fucked my best friend.”

“Only because we didn’t know we would ever be back and I was drunk,” he says.

“That seems to be a thing with you lately, drinking. I packed some of your stuff in that box,” I say and point to it. “I hate to tell you that you need to make a choice, but I won’t put up with you getting drunk because you seem to make bad decisions when you drink. So it’s your choice, me or drinking.”

“Of course I’m going to pick you. From the first time I saw the pictures of you stuck to your mirror, I’ve always wanted you. Amanda…yeah she’s pretty…but not my type at all. And before you get upset, I’m not saying you’re not pretty, I think you’re gorgeous and completely my type. Amanda is superficially pretty, you know what I mean? Pretty on the outside, but inside she’s really ugly. You Mara, you are pretty on the outside and even prettier on the inside. I’m attracted to everything about you.”

He kisses me softly on the lips. I kiss back. I want him. We kiss. I missed his lips on mine. I thought I would never enjoy his kiss again, anyone’s kiss. I love his hands touching me. He knows the right way to touch me, the right places to make my body respond.

I put my hands on his shoulders and gently push him back so he’s laying on the bed. I grab the bottom of my shirts and pull them off over my head and drop them on the floor. I lean over him, kiss his lips, his neck, chest. I feel his cock starting to get harder. I stand up and take my pants and underwear off. He pushes his underwear off and gets in bed. I get in bed next to him. As soon as I lay next to him his lips are on mine. I love kissing him. I wonder if kissing someone else would be as amazing as kissing him is? I don’t think so. He moves to his back bringing me with him. I’m on top of him now. I don’t know what to do on top of him. I sit up on him, straddling him again. He bends his knees so I lean back against his legs.

“What are you doing? Why are you on your back?” I ask him.

He sort of shrugs his shoulders. “Thought we could try something different. And I feel weird laying on you now, what if I crush the baby. You have this little belly,” he says reaching up and touching my lower abdomen.

I reach one of my hands down and lay it over his. “I don’t think you can crush the baby. Right now it’s like the size of a bean…maybe…I wish I knew how far along I was. But right now it’s really small and I’m pretty sure you can’t crush it when we have sex. I mean if that was possible I think you would hear about it.”

“Well…let’s try it like this anyway…” He reaches his hands up and rests them on my waist. “I like that I can see you…or I could see you if it wasn’t so dark in here. But I like that I can touch you better.”

“I’m not sure what to do. I feel…awkward…or something.”

“Just do whatever you want. Make me feel good,” he says.

I look down at him. I do want to make him happy and to feel good, although I should still be pissed at him for fucking Amanda. I should get up now and walk out. No, he should walk out, this is my house.

He kisses one of his fingers then touches his finger to my lips. “I love you, Mara.”

I feel myself raise up on my knees and then with his help I lower myself down on his cock. He puts his hands back on my hips and helps me get into a rhythm moving up and down on him.

His hands slide up from my hips, to my waist, then to my boobs. He keeps them there, cupping my boobs, his thumbs gently teasing my nipples. I have to admit, this feels pretty good. I feel a bit awkward though because I don’t know what to do, or if I’m doing this right. I think I prefer him being in charge.

“Mara…” Eddie sort of gasps.

He moves his hands back down to my hips and holds onto them holding me down on his dick. I realize he’s cumming. I sit still on him until I feel his now soft dick slide out of me. I lean down and kiss him, then lay next to him.

He kisses my forehead. “Thanks.”

I go through the motions while we do our morning chores. It’s all automatic. No thought needed, which is good since my brain is otherwise occupied.

“I hate this,” Eddie says one morning.

I look at him since I’m not really sure what he said. I wasn’t expecting him to talk. The past few weeks we haven’t talked much, or at all when we’re alone.

“I hate this,” he says again.

“I can finish up if you don’t want to,” I reply assuming he’s referring to our work we need to finish.

He shakes his head. ” I hate this. Us…This wall between us now.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to do.”

“Quit building a wall between us,” he starts.

“What? I didn’t build a wall between us, you did when you fucked my best friend.”

“She came on to me. Don’t blame me.”

“That’s the stupidest defense I’ve ever heard. Okay great, she came on to you, so tell her to leave. You get up and leave. Someone comes on to you and you have no other option but to accept and fuck her? That’s ridiculous Eddie.”

I turn and start walking to the well to get water to make coffee. I can’t wait to get it made and have a cup, it’s bitterly cold this morning. I’m thinking we may get more snow today, the air feels moist. There’s already about eighteen inches on the ground so hopefully, we don’t get much more.

He doesn’t come help me with the water. I can hear him kicking and throwing stuff around in the barn. He needs to figure out his temper before I have this baby.

Lynne is in the kitchen when I bring the water in. I put a pot on to get hot for coffee and then sit at the table.

“Eddie not help you today?” she asks me.

“He did…he’s still outside I guess. He’s mad at me.”

She sits at the table next to me. “Want to talk about it?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. He’s just being ridiculous. We talked…well briefly…and now he’s in the barn having a temper tantrum like a two year old.”

“You talked?”

“Sort of. Well…not really. He tried to say it wasn’t his fault, Amanda came on to him. I told him that was stupid, he didn’t have to fuck her. He could have gotten up and left. So now he’s mad at me. He’s mad at me!”

She reaches over and touches my hand, squeezes it. “I hate what happened. I heard it…heard them. I was so tempted to go over there and kick him in the balls, tell him he needs to realize what he’s doing and did he want to ruin his relationship with you. I didn’t. I wish I had. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

I shake my head. “It’s not your fault. You’re accepting more blame than Eddie is and none of it is your fault.”

“I admit I feel kind of sorry for him. We talked…a lot you could say. Amanda and Spencer were always off together so that left Eddie and me alone. We talked. His childhood was kind of shitty. I’m sure you know that. I feel sad that he never knew his dad. His mom treated him differently than her other kids…it was shitty. But that doesn’t give him any reason to do what he did to you.”

I sigh. “I hate what he did. I wanted to know that he loved me, only me. I don’t feel that now. My whole friendship with Amanda I’ve lived in her shadow. She’s the pretty one. The outgoing one. All the guys were always interested in her. That first day when Eddie and Spencer showed up here and Eddie stood at my dresser staring at the pictures of me, I was thinking that he was attracted to me. Not Amanda. I wasn’t second choice this time. He liked me. But now I feel like I am second choice. He’s settling. I don’t want to live with that for the rest of my life.”

“You shouldn’t have to. You’ve lost him and your best friend. It’s not fair. We have enough to worry about in this world now, you shouldn’t have to worry that every time your back is turned your best friend is trying to have sex with your boyfriend.”

“You think I’ve lost him?” I ask her.

“I think you feel like you have. I’ve been watching the two of you the past few weeks, there’s no love between you guys now. That spark is gone…or something. Something is missing. You’re distant.”

“Yeah, that’s true. He said I’ve built a wall between us. I told him that was all him. I don’t understand how he feels like he can blame it on me. I do love him though. I still love him. Do you think he still loves me?”

“I know he does. I feel like he did something that he really regrets. Do you think you can ever get over it?” she asks.

I shrug my shoulders. “Maybe. I want to. I love him. I want things to be like they used to be. How did Amanda and Spencer get over it so fast? When did Spencer find out?”

“That morning, early. It was still dark out when he found them. I didn’t sleep very well that night. I was awake when I heard Spencer come in. I was honestly afraid they would kill each other. Spencer said something, So it finally happened or something like that. I think when Eddie first woke up he was confused, didn’t remember what happened. At one point Spencer did say I should kick your ass but then said, how about instead of that I get to fuck Mara. He also could not wait to tell you. He said he wanted to see your heart break. He wanted to tell you, but Amanda wouldn’t let him. It’s strange though, Spencer didn’t seem too mad or upset that it happened. They kind of argued. I would have thought he would be pissed and they would fight, but they didn’t. I don’t think Amanda and Spencer are in a relationship for the same reasons you and Eddie are.”

“Can I ask you something? This may seem like a weird question, but did Amanda know she was pregnant before…um…before they…” I can’t finish the question. I don’t even want to think that Amanda’s baby could be Eddie’s.

Lynne looks at me. I can tell she doesn’t want to answer the question.

“I’d love to say yes, but I won’t lie to you. That just became known a few days before we headed here. What has Eddie said about that? Or has he said anything about that?”

“He hasn’t said anything about it. I asked Amanda and she said she knew she was pregnant when it happened. I asked her if she knew she was pregnant, then why was she drinking. She tried to say she isn’t smart like me,” I say and roll my eyes.

“I can maybe get over it and forgive them one day, but not if the baby is Eddie’s. That will break us up. Then the three of them can take off to wherever they want to go and I’ll stay here and raise my baby.”

“It’s not my baby. There’s no chance. We had sex once. I don’t remember much of it because I was out of it. Amanda took advantage of me. I don’t even think I finished. I passed out,” Eddie says coming into the kitchen.

“If you don’t remember it, how do you know you didn’t finish?” I ask him.

“I could barely get hard. Honestly, I don’t think we fucked. She says we did, I may have attempted to, I don’t remember fucking her. I think I passed out and she says we did to break us up for some fucked up reason,” he says.

I really want to believe him. I hate that he admitted to trying to have sex with her, but I would feel a little better if he didn’t actually do it.

Maggie comes into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

“I’m hungry,” she says.

“We were just about to make breakfast,” Lynne tells her.

“Will you take me to the bathroom?” Maggie asks her.

“Of course.”

They head towards the bathroom. I get up and start making coffee.

I wish I could ask Lynne if it sounded like Eddie didn’t do anything and if he just passed out. I’ll have to ask later when we’re alone again.

Eddie comes up behind me, puts his arms around my waist, rests his head on my shoulder. “Mara, nothing happened between Amanda and me, nothing. I was drunk. I admit I kissed her. I missed you so much. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. I realize how stupid that is, but I wasn’t thinking clearly.”

I turn around so I can look at him. I want to see his eyes. I want him to look me in the eye and deny he had sex with Amanda.

I look at him hoping he’ll deny everything. He doesn’t say anything for several minutes.

“You’re never going to forgive me for this are you?” he finally asks.

“I don’t know if I can. I thought you loved me. I thought despite the circumstances of well hell there’s no one else left in the world I might as well be with her, I thought he really does love me for me, he isn’t settling because I’m the only female left he can be with. But then the first chance you had you fucked Amanda. You broke my heart.”

“What’s the point of us being together then? Want me to leave?” he asks.

“No. I mean at first yeah I wanted all of you to go, but now after I’ve had time to think I know that sending you away won’t help anything or anyone. We need you here. You’re smart and work hard. You’re also the father of my baby and I’d like you to be around to help me raise him. And for some fucked up reason, I still love you. So no I don’t want you to leave.”

“Well, Maggie, what should we have for breakfast?” Lynne asks loudly so we know they’re back in the kitchen.

“Let’s go upstairs and talk,” Eddie suggests to me.

I shake my head. “I have stuff to do, I want to drink some coffee, and there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Let me help you make breakfast. We haven’t cooked together in a long time,” he says.

I hear someone stomping down the stairs, and realize everyone else must hear it too because we’re all looking at the stairway.

It’s Spencer.

“I can’t sleep, Amanda is puking everywhere. Has been for the past hour,” he says.

“I’ll go check on her,” Lynne says going upstairs.

“I’m not going to be able to deal with this for the next nine months, she needs to find somewhere else to sleep,” Spencer says.

“Is Amanda sick?” Maggie asks.

“Yeah, sort of,” I reply.

“Will she die?” she asks.

I shake my head. “It’s a different kind of sickness. She won’t die. She’s going to get better. It’s hard to explain.”

“Jesus Mara, it’s not hard to explain, you’re making it hard. She’s pregnant. Do you know what that means Maggie? She’s going to have a baby,” Spencer says.

I ignore him. I pour myself a cup of coffee and take a sip.

“A baby? When is the baby going to be here? How can she have a baby, there’s no hospital now is there? When my mom got sick Scott said we couldn’t take her to the hospital because everyone was dead now and there weren’t any doctors,” she says.

Let them explain it to her. They shouldn’t have brought it up. I try to decide what to make for breakfast. I’m tired of pancakes. I know if I make them, they would all eat them, but I can’t eat them.

“I’m going to take her something to drink and to nibble on. I wish we had pretzels, those are what I kept by my bed and ate a handful of in the morning so I didn’t get morning sickness. Do we have crackers?” Lynne asks coming down the stairs and looking through the cabinets.

“Where’s the baby going to be born?” Maggie asks Lynne.

“What? What baby?” Lynne asks her.

“Spencer says Amanda isn’t sick, she’s going to have a baby. Scott told me there’s no hospitals, so where is she going to have a baby?”

“Probably here. We’ll have to figure it out when the time comes,” Lynne explains.

Lynne gets a box of crackers out of the cabinet and then gets a glass of water.

“I’ll be back, hopefully, this settles her stomach,” Lynne says going upstairs.

“I’ll come with you,” Maggie says following her.

“Obviously Amanda’s baby isn’t mine, she’s sick and you’re not,” Eddie tells me.

“It doesn’t work like that,” I start to say but Spencer interrupts me.

“You think Amanda’s baby is yours? That’s funny. Where’d you get that idea? Did Amanda tell you that? No, I bet it was Mara putting those ideas in your head. Trust me, it’s mine.”

“It better be. I’m so tired of you two always trying to break Mara and me up. I think you guys planned this whole thing,” Eddie says.

“Planned what? Getting you drunk? You’re very capable of getting yourself drunk, you’ve done it enough,” Spencer tells him.

I’m so tired of this conversation. I’m over it. Over everything. I don’t care who stays, who goes, who fucks who.

“Take some responsibility, Eddie. I’m done with all of this. I’m going back to bed,” I tell them and go upstairs.

Lynne is coming out of Amanda and Spencer’s room when I get upstairs.

“Everything okay? You feeling okay?” she asks me when she sees me.

I nod my head. “Yeah. They’re fighting. I’m tired of it.”

“Fighting?”

“Well arguing. I’m just tired of it. Same stuff. Eddie denying everything. I’m about to move out to the barn.”

“Are you guys getting along at all? What’s it like at night when you’re alone?” she asks.

“Quiet. We don’t really talk…about anything. We sleep, get up and do what we have to, back to sleep again. That’s my life now.”

“Is that what you want your life to be? Change it. Fix this now if you want to be with him. You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to be with anyone.”

I realize she’s right. I can be alone. Okay not alone, because I won’t be alone, I hope he’ll stay around and help me raise our child. But I don’t have to be in a relationship with him if he’s going to cheat on me every opportunity he has.

I keep my distance from everyone. I wake up early and do my chores. Eddie helps sometimes…most of the time…

One morning he comments that it wouldn’t matter if he was there or not and then the next day he stayed in bed.

Oh well, I don’t need him for this. Asshole. You would think he would think Mara’s pregnant with my baby, I should be doing this and let her take it easy. But no, he stayed in bed.

I don’t talk to anyone. I’m polite, I talk if someone talks to me, but otherwise I’m quiet.

I stand in front of my dresser mirror looking at my ever-expanding abdomen when Eddie comes storming in.

He stands behind me, looking in the mirror at me. It makes me uncomfortable, him just standing there and staring at me not saying anything.

I go back over to my bed to deal with the laundry. We washed some laundry and hung it up in the living room so it’s dry, but stiff and smells like the fireplace. I’m sure it will be fine, we all smell like a fireplace anyway.

I fold and sort. He watches me not saying anything, just watches me.

I pick up a stack of my shirts and put them away in the dresser.

When I turn back around he’s sitting on the bed. Ignore him. He’s trying to upset me and I know he is.

I finish picking up the stacks of clothes and put them away.

He lights a cigarette. I ignore that too.

I decide to go downstairs. I need to see if Lynne wants to make dinner or if she wants me to.

“Did you get everything put away?” she asks when she sees me.

“I did. I was going to clean my room, but Eddie came up there and was in the way.”

“In the way?” she asks slightly amused.

I smile embarrassed. “Yeah. Being annoying…you know? Just staring at me. Not talking. Sat on the bed right where I had all the clothes sorted just to be in the way. Then when I ignored him acting like a two year old, he lit a cigarette. He knows that I hate him smoking, especially in our room.”

“Why do men act like children when they don’t get their way? I’ve never known a man that didn’t. Big babies, all of them,” she says.

“I’m learning that is true. I swear though my dad didn’t act like that. At least not that I saw. Maybe my mom saw him differently at times.”

“Probably. Well…want to help me with dinner? I was just about to check the menu.”

“Yeah, then I guess I better go take care of the animals.”

“Eddie still…avoiding that?” she asks.

“He is. It’s fine…really…”

“It’s not fine. He’s being ridiculous. Acting like a baby. He needs to help more around here. I feel like it’s the two of us that do everything. It’s bullshit,” she says.

When dinner’s ready no one can find Eddie. He’s not in our room or anywhere in the house. I put my coat and boots on and check the barn while I put all the animals away for the night. He’s not in there either.

The truck is still here so he couldn’t have gone far.

I won’t worry. He’s probably just off sulking somewhere. He’ll be back.

No sign of him during dinner or after. Everyone hangs out in the living room after dinner playing cards. Well the guys all do, Lynne is reading to Maggie, Amanda is looking through a baby name book, and I’m trying to distract myself. I get up and go look out the window for probably the tenth time.

“If he’s not back when I head to bed, I’ll go look for him,” Sebastian tells me.

“I’m not going to worry…” I say.

“Good because there’s no reason to,” Lynne says.

“If he went anywhere we can follow his footsteps in the snow. I’m sure he probably just went for a walk or something and he’ll be back,” Sebastian says.

I do the dishes since Lynne made dinner. When I’m finished I decide to call it a night and just go to bed. Maybe things will be better in the morning.

I can’t sleep. I was used to sleeping with Eddie again. Even though we haven’t been talking much lately and haven’t been close, I did sleep better with him in bed with me. I knew he was there for me if I needed him.

Where is he now? As much as I want to think I’m not worried, he’ll be back I am worried.

I lay in bed thinking about this asshole that I love. I don’t know why, but I do.

I reach down and rub my belly. I can’t believe how round it’s getting.

I feel something…a twitch…or something…

I lightly push in on my belly about an inch under my belly button. A couple seconds later I feel it again. A twitch or gentle push back.

I do it, again and again, a couple seconds later I feel a push back.

It’s the baby!

A few times I thought I’ve felt it move but I dismissed it as something else, but this time there’s no mistaking what it is. I leave my hand resting on my lower abdomen enjoying this first real evidence of the baby. It would be nice if Eddie were here to experience these first kicks with me.

“Mara,” Maggie says running into my room.

“Maggie, come here,” I say excitedly.

She comes over to the side of the bed.

“Give me your hand,” I tell her.

“Why?” she asks while holding her hand out to me.

“Feel this,” I say and hold her hand against my belly where I felt the baby.

“It’s the baby. I can feel it kicking,” I explain.

“You have a baby in your belly?”

I guess no one has said anything to Maggie about me or Amanda being pregnant except when Spencer was talking about Amanda a couple weeks ago when she was sick. It’s not like we kept it a secret and I’m sure she’s heard us talk about me being pregnant. I know she’s seen all the baby stuff we have.

“I do. This is the first time I’ve felt it move. Do you feel it?” I ask her.

She holds her hand still on my belly and then starts giggling.

“It kicked me,” she says laughing.

“Isn’t it funny?”

“What’s the baby’s name?”

“I don’t know yet. I don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. What do you think I should name it?” I ask her.

“Um…how about…I don’t know,” she says laughing again.

“I don’t know either. I guess it’s a good thing I still have a few more months to think about it.”

“Sarah wanted to name her baby Matthew. Do you like that name?” Maggie asks.

“Oh?” I reply confused.

“Yeah. That was her favorite name because she said she was going to have a boy.”

Wait…what?

“Sarah? Your sister?” I ask.

“Yeah. She was going to have a baby. My dad was so mad but my mom said every baby is a blessing. Sarah said it was going to be a boy. I wanted her to have a girl though so I could play with her.”

Sarah was pregnant! We never knew. She didn’t say anything to anyone that I know.

I try to think back about what she looked like the last time I saw her. Did she look pregnant?

“I didn’t know Sarah was going to have a baby. When was she going to have it, do you know?” I ask her.

Maggie shakes her head. “I don’t know. My dad wouldn’t let us talk about it. I would get in bed with her some nights because Sarah would cry. I tried to make her happy. And then she got sicker and then one morning when I woke up she didn’t wake up. I was going to ask if you want me to sleep with you since Eddie is gone. I don’t think you should sleep alone, ” she says.

“You don’t think he’s coming back?” I ask her.

She thinks for a minute. “He’s coming back, maybe not tonight though.”

“Oh?” I say wondering why she thinks that.