This Strange World Needs a Kicking!

Author’s note: Thank you for continuing to read this story, everyone! Now it’s time for the song and Kai’s reaction to it, but other things will happen, as well.

BlowPopJ – I’m happy to see you entertained by this story!

DK – I don’t know when you’ll read this as you want to wait and binge, but thank you for your kind words! (And yeah, I’m totally having fun writing this!)

Anon – thank you for your trust in my story, and I’m glad you like it! (It will stay as a web serial, I think, but it will also be published in book format when it’s completed)

Anon (the second? I don’t know how to do this) – thank you, as well, for praising my story!

And now, I hope you will enjoy the ballad!

*****

Chapter Six – …Is No Flatscape

Kai was thankful for Prince Sebastian’s cold blood, as it looked like he was incapable of blushing. The minstrel walked forward, brushed his fingers across an instrument that looked like a lyre, and began singing in a loud yet quite pleasant voice.

He’s Prince Sebastian, and he fights evil

No one in the world’s his equal

He’s the most handsome; he’s the bravest,

And all know, he’s also the lewdest

Oh, gawd, it was starting. Kai covered his eyes. Was everyone just pulling his leg and laughing at him now? He was itching to jump to his feet and order something idiotic like ‘off with his head’ while pointing a royal finger at the unfortunate entertainer.

The son of a goddess,

Loved by many,

Eyes will undress,

And it’s not uncanny,

That his royal shape

Especially from behind

Is no flatscape

And not unkind

Not unkind? How long must have taken the minstrel to come up with that stupid song? And how long was it supposed to take to sing it and be done with it? Kai let himself sink into the throne and began wrapping his long hair around his head and covering his face in an effort to obscure the entire world and hide his shame.

He’s Prince Sebastian, we all adore him,

But we all know that our chances are slim,

To have him notice just one from the many,

But, wait, what do I hear…?

He took on a lover

Someone to keep his frozen heart warm

And him safe from falter

Alas, we are grateful to be spared the storm.

The minstrel attacked the chorus again, and now the court joined in. Slowly, Kai pulled his knees to his chest, hoping to make himself little enough that he could disappear. Defo, it would have been much better to have teleportation instead of ice magic at the moment.

Everybody was having fun, except him. And the frigging assholes showed no signs that they would get tired of singing about his butt anytime soon. Wait, they weren’t singing about him, but Prince Sebastian. Well, there was some comfort in that thought.

Someone patted his shoulder discreetly, and he disentangled himself from his own hair to look at Pepin.

“Do you like it that much, Your Majesty?” the servant asked. “I’ve never seen you so… impressed.”

Yeah, impressed was just the right word. Thank you for nothing, Pepin.

“Yeah, I’m totally impressed. Just give the man a cookie.” Preferably a diarrhea-inducing cookie. “And let’s get out of here.”

“A cookie?” Pepin blinked.

“Or a coin, or more. You know better how much he should get, right?”

More like a foot in his un-royal behind. Yeah, Kai smiled, that would be a much better compensation for pulling off a stupid song like that.

“You really enjoyed it,” Pepin said cheerfully, painfully, and obviously unaware of what made his master smile.

“Yeah, sure,” Kai said brightly. “Now what do I have to do to make him stop?”

“Just raise your hand.”

“Like this?” Kai did as told, and the minstrel fell silent, along with the entire court.

That was more like it. Everyone’s eyes were on him, and they were all holding their breath, the minstrel included. Now, that was fun. And his arm wasn’t hurting yet, so he could hold a contest to see who would be the last man or woman standing.

“Your Majesty?” Pepin asked cautiously. “Sebastian?” he whispered.

“What?” Kai whispered back. “I’m just starting to have fun. For real, they won’t breathe until I put my hand down?”

“You know that very well.”

All right, so maybe some people were getting a bit pale. Kai dropped his arm, and a collective exhale rushed through the vast throne room.

“Now tell the minstrel what you thought of his song,” Pepin said in a tense voice.

“Do I have to leave a review? Really? All right. Minstrel Wadeki,” Kai said loudly, pleased that he had remembered the guy’s name, “your song was quite interesting. Next time, more about fighting dragons and less about my butt. Are we good?”

The minstrel nodded and curtsied frantically. “Yes, Your Majesty.”

Kai turned toward Pepin. “Give him what you usually give him.”

“But you’re the one who usually throws the coins.”

“Throw? That’s a little rude. Like how? On the ground?”

Pepin presented him with a large bag of gold. Kai sighed. “But if I begin throwing them around, aren’t they all going to try and get as many as they can?” He gestured around the room.

“That is how you always do.”

“Really? And how many fatalities are registered each year?”

Pepin didn’t appear capable of understanding the question.

“Never mind. Minstrel,” he gestured for Wadeki to come closer, “here’s your reward.” He grabbed a handful of coins nonchalantly and placed them in the man’s palm.

The look of perfect astonishment in the man’s eyes was funny. Kai began snickering.

“What? Too little?”

“No, no, Your Majesty. I’m grateful.” Wadeki threw himself at his feet.

“All right, this is getting awkward,” Kai said slowly and pulled his feet away from the minstrel’s grabbing hands. “Are we finally done here?” he asked Pepin again. “Just instruct whoever you need to instruct to give everyone food and drinks. Is that how it’s done, right?”

Pepin seemed at least half as astonished as the minstrel who hadn’t yet gotten to his feet. “I will see to it right away, Your Majesty.”

“When you’re done, just come to my room,” Kai ordered. He needed to ask Pepin about the dragon cave he was supposed to visit tomorrow. As overpowered as he was, it could be that he wasn’t completely invincible. And seeing how he was going on his first quest, he didn’t want to end up as dragon food.

And he was beat. He had never worked so much in a day in his entire life. But it didn’t feel that bad. Except for his royal backside that got a little numb for sitting in that throne for hours and that stupid song that was also about his backside, he was feeling pretty damned good about himself. He had helped lovers get married, neighbors avoid cutting their throats over wandering goats, and a minstrel earn his keep for another day. Well, the last bit had been awful, but apparently only for him.

Yet, the tune was pretty catchy.

His royal shape

Especially from behind

Is no flatscape…

He hummed as he walked toward his room. Or chamber? Did they call it a chamber? He needed to brush on his vocabulary. Having Pepin blink, frown, and grimace at him every time he said something weird was getting old. He needed to sound more royally.

***

Kai walked down a long corridor while checking the place for any available corners where he could turn. It was a bit funny that he had ended wandering the hallways and getting lost. He had no idea where his room – the royal chambers – was, and it wasn’t like he could just ask someone. Pepin put up with his weirdness, most probably because he was head over heels with Sebastian – for unexplainable reasons except that the guy was a total hunk and this was a BL show. But others might get suspicious over their leader having turned into a senile overnight and not knowing where his room was.

A hooded figure appeared at the opposite end of the hallway. At least, there was an end, Kai thought. There was something strange in how the hooded figure moved, though, like he was floating over the polished floor. Hmm, that was weird. Wait, he still had to figure out who had summoned him to this world. Suspicious hooded figures had to be handled with care.

Kai hurried toward the mysterious person. The hooded figure stopped, waiting for him.

“Hey, I know this may sound crazy, but did you summon me?” Kai asked.

The robe opened, and Kai barely had time to step back. The sight of a metallic glint bouncing off a blade was enough warning for his body to react. He jumped back, and the blade slashed through the air. What the hell? Was that an assassination attempt?

But he was an overpowered…

“Hey, cut it out,” he warned, as the mysterious figure rushed to him with the obvious intent to stab him.

He jumped out of the way just in time. Ah, he could just use his ice magic and turn that assassin into a popsicle. Yeah, that was a good idea. How did he do that, again? Ah, right, he needed to focus, only that it was a bit difficult to do that while jumping around to protect himself from that nasty-looking blade.

Didn’t he have a sword? He touched his belt and unsheathed a long saber.

“Yeah, noob, come at me now,” he said and pointed his sword at the assailant.

If he was overpowered, then he had to be a master swordsman. The assassin had to know it, too, because he hesitated.

“Thought so,” Kai said cheerfully. “Now taste my steel or something.”

He grabbed his sword with both hands, but just as he dashed toward the hooded figure, someone came from behind and pushed the assassin to the side, smashing him against a wall. The red coat was a giveaway.

Now, why was Conrad coming to the rescue? Didn’t he hate him? Kai watched as Conrad fought the assassin, trying to find an opening. His first sword fight – all right, sword versus dagger – and someone had to ruin it for him. Still, he didn’t want to end up slashing Conrad through by accident.

Conrad grabbed the robe, and a dark-clad figure slid away from it, making the other fall face first. The assassin ran and disappeared at the end of the hallway in a split second. Kai considered rushing after him, but then he noticed Conrad slumped to one side and holding one hand over his stomach. His coat was red but not red enough to not let the blood show.

“Oh, shit,” Kai said in a noncommittal voice. “Why the hell did you have to get between me and that guy?”

Conrad grimaced, and his face was all sweaty. Oh, no, this wasn’t good. Kai knelt by Conrad’s side.

“You could just thank me for saving your life,” Conrad breathed out while his face contorted in pain.

“I was doing just fine before you rushed in and threw yourself into that asshole’s blade. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with you? I don’t know any healing spells, do I?”

Conrad removed his hand to let Kai see the long red line splitting his coat and skin. “Just freeze the blood here,” he said faintly.

“Is that safe?” Kai asked worriedly.

“I don’t know how deep it is,” Conrad said. “Just do it. If I bleed too much… I’ll die.”

“Well, if you put it like this,” Kai said. “I hope I’m not going to freeze your liver, too, while at it.”

“Just… do it,” Conrad hissed.

Kai pushed Conrad’s coat out of the way and focused on the gash. The blood turned into icicles, and white tendrils began spreading. “All right, I think that’s enough. Now wrap your arms around my neck so that I can get you to your feet. Pepin should know more about what to do. How do we get to my room?”

Conrad didn’t question why he had no common awareness of his own castle. “Through there,” he gestured.

Kai grabbed him and forced him to his feet, and then propped Conrad’s weight with his own body. “Don’t worry, buddy, we’ll make you as good as new.”

To his surprise, Conrad began laughing softly. “You’re so strange sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah, you must imagine it because of all that loss of blood,” Kai said quickly.

It was rewarding to see how easy it was for him to drag a dude the size of Conrad after him. Still, he didn’t have time to think about such things, as he needed to find his room and Pepin fast. He was no doctor, but he could bet that just freezing a wound wasn’t that great a strategy to take care of such a serious problem.

***

“I must inform you that I’m summoned tomorrow at Milo’s house to study,” Sebastian told the mother as soon as he reached home. Operating the elevator by himself had been quite the experience, but it was in his blood to be unafraid of the unknown.

The mother was in her room, reading something while already in bed. She wore something over her eyes, a metal frame of some kind, and took it off when he entered after knocking politely. “Kai, are you all right?” she asked.

“Yes, thank you for your question.”

“Did you suddenly decide to practice being polite?” She smiled.

“I don’t understand.”

“Never mind. So, are you and Milo really going to study tomorrow? I know you don’t care much about school, but you should at least consider graduating. I don’t dare to say anything more.”

Sebastian was intrigued. “Please, do dare say.”

The mother abandoned the book she was reading. “Come and take a seat here.” She patted the bed.

“I would rather stand.”

Mrs. Martin sighed. “I know things haven’t been easy ever since your father passed.”

Oh, that explained their situation. The family’s patriarch must have fallen in battle.

“Do you need someone to put food on the table?” he asked directly.

Mrs. Martin stared at him, a bit confused. “Are you offering to do the groceries, or are you making fun of me? Just so you know, Kai, you’re not that funny right now.” She wagged a finger at him in warning.

“It is quite obvious that this family is down on its luck,” Sebastian said. “Tomorrow, I will do some hunting. We will not go hungry.”

With that, he addressed Mrs. Martin a polite ‘goodnight’ and stepped out of her room. She was still staring in obvious surprise when he closed the door behind him.

Now, he had more important things to learn about. He took out his phone. “Soon, we will be alone, and you will spill all your secrets,” he whispered.

***

“Milo’s here,” he heard the mother’s voice from behind the door. “Are you still asleep?”

Sebastian woke up and stared around, feeling completely disoriented. He had talked to the phone all night long to learn about the proper way to speak like a high school student, as well as about studying, along with many other wonderful things.

“Just let him… I’m coming!” he yelled, remembering that his natural way of talking was considered too formal for this world.

He pulled a shirt on and a pair of pants and rushed to the door.

“I have to go to work. Make sure to grab at least a sandwich. I left enough for you and your sister on the table,” Mrs. Martin said quickly.

He nodded without questioning anything from what he had just heard. One thing he had decided was to keep quiet when there were things he didn’t know and just ask his phone about them later.

Milo appeared from behind his mom. “Dude, what the hell? You’re still sleeping?” he asked cheerfully.

Sebastian ran his hands through his hair. “Yo, dude,” he said, too, putting up a stiff arm. Hmm, he had to be more relaxed while talking like that. More chill.

The mother shook her head. “You two, make sure you’re not running late, okay?”

“We won’t run late, Mrs. Martin, I promise.”

It looked like Milo could assuage the mother’s worries with just a few words. Sebastian decided that it was a skill he should master, as well.

He pulled Milo inside after bidding a hasty farewell to the mother. “What classes do we have today?” he asked.

Milo snickered. “You’re hopeless, right? Math, chemistry, and physics. And the bane of our existence.” He made a face as he had just had sour grapes. “French.”

Sebastian searched his brain. He had also studied some literature last night, but he knew at least the basics of the topics Milo mentioned. And he hadn’t found French that difficult. In his world, he was a master of foreign languages. His superior intellect helped a lot, too.

“I’ll go wash,” he informed Milo. Now he knew what a shower was, and he considered it a pretty marvelous invention, as well. To have a waterfall indoors sounded like decadence, but it appeared to be a common occurrence in this world. Also, it was an enjoyable experience.

When he returned, Milo was stretched on his bed and had a silly smile on his face. He kept one hand on his lower belly and looked dreamily at Sebastian. “I’ve dreamed about you last night.”

“I studied,” Sebastian said promptly.

“You did? That’s a first.” Milo snickered like he found that amusing.

“I must graduate,” he said.

“Well, yeah, that’s true. Come here,” Milo said and blinked lazily.

Going to school was part of the graduation quest, but it looked like Milo didn’t care about such priorities. Last night, Sebastian had stumbled over some peculiar videos, and he had found himself in the impossible situation of being aroused and having no one to help him get rid of it.

He climbed on the bed and placed one hand over Milo’s crotch. “Yours appears to be of a good size,” he said as he fondled the young man’s manhood. It had to do for what Sebastian had in mind.

Milo pushed his hand away and laughed. “Oh, man, you’re something.” He hesitated for a moment, but then he grabbed Sebastian by the front of his pants, too. “And yours is not small, either.”

They had no time for that. Sebastian only wanted to assess the situation. And the situation, well, was quite satisfying. Even if Milo wasn’t schooled in the art of lovemaking, with what he had, there was promise that he would become a most pleasant lover.

He surely didn’t lack passion. Milo bit his bottom lip and grinned. “I can’t wait. I thought about it last night, and man, I want to do everything you want to do. I even stopped by the drugstore this morning, for, you know.” He wiggled his eyebrows and winked.

Ah, drugstore. Milo wrongly thought that one of them would need the help of miracle potions that caused their manhood to grow. Sebastian didn’t believe they required such a thing.

“You don’t need it. And neither do I,” Sebastian said sternly. He found such magic at least a bit disturbing. What was gained had to be gain through natural means. Like he got his ice magic from his mother, the Ice Goddess. The size of one’s manhood didn’t have to be modified using obscure means. He was starting to think those vivid images of nude men were following him everywhere.

Milo stared for a moment at him and then burst into laughter. “If you say so. I have a feeling we’ll need them, though. A lot of them.” He wiggled his eyebrows again.

Sebastian consulted the time on his phone. Among its many uses, the magic item was also capable of telling him that. He had already decided that he would carry the phone with him all the time. It was as trustworthy as his sword, and, in this world, people didn’t carry swords, as far as he could tell.

Preoccupied as he had been with studying and learning about arousing topics, he had failed to find the needed time to establish an important aspect.

“Where do you go to hunt for food?” he asked Milo.

Ah, he must have said something strange again. He looked at his phone and typed in the question. “Ten best places to hunt in -” he began to mumble.

“What would you like to eat?” Milo interrupted him. “I have all kinds at my house.”

“I need to support this family,” Sebastian said. “I cannot rob your home of its supplies.”

“Ah. Well, you still have your part-time at the supermarket, right? If you care about helping your mom with grocery shopping, maybe you can get some discounts. Wait, is the situation that bad? I thought your mom worked full-time.”

“It’s rather vexing… It pisses me off,” Sebastian reformulated quickly, “that she has to do that.”

Milo shrugged. “You told me she loves her job. And that it’s not like you don’t have money. Everything you make goes on video games and manga, and I never heard your mom complain. Or you.”