This Strange World Needs a Kicking!

Author’s note: First of all, I want to address a big thank you to everyone taking a chance on this story. I can tell you that it will be silly at times, but the characters will follow their stars in any way they can!

curiousaudrey – Thank you for your comment! Both Sebastian and Kai will have certain ‘shocks’, lol, and they will have to overcome many challenges along the way. As for when the switch back will happen… without a doubt, they won’t be the same people they were at the beginning of the story 🙂

Chapter Three – This Body Rules/Is An Utter Disappointment

Kai held back his excitement with much difficulty as he hopped on the back of a black horse with elegant ease. Having this body surely kicked butt. He wondered just how good he was. Prince Sebastian was strong enough to kick a man the size of Conrad across the room and had ice lasers in his eyes, which, again, was pretty damned cool.

It served a lot that his body knew by itself what to do because he had never been on the back of a horse in his life. The troops were gathered on a large field, and Kai let the horse trot as he pretended that he knew what he was doing while looking over the armed men.

The horse also appeared to know when to stop and turn toward the troops. Hmm, was he supposed to hold a speech?

“Fellow men,” he started. Hmm, was that how it was done? Impassive eyes met him. “Tomorrow, we will slain some dragons.”

There was no reaction from the gathered men.

“This is all. Dismissed!” he shouted.

Nobody moved. The impassive eyes now seemed full of dismay.

Pepin hurried to him on the back of a smaller horse. “Your Majesty,” he whispered angrily, “you’re supposed to yell at them and tell them how bad they did on the last expedition.”

“How bad they did on the last expedition?” Kai whispered back.

Pepin seemed taken aback by his question. “They saved all the villages along the border and brought with them supplies for an entire year.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, right?”

Another discomfited reaction from Pepin confirmed that he had, actually, a tough time staying in character.

“All right.” He turned toward the troops again. “Last time, you sucked. Big time. I mean, come on, supplies for just one year?”

“It was all the villagers could spare.”

Kai turned toward Conrad, who was also on horseback and coming toward him. He wore a red coat that looked like it had been made to order and the same disgruntled expression on his face.

“What are you doing here?” Kai leaned slightly to one side and threw Conrad a questioning look.

“I am your royal concubine, whether I like it or not. You enlisted my services,” Conrad said through his teeth.

“Ah, okay.” It made perfect sense. Not really. “So the people couldn’t spare any more food. Is that it?”

“Yes.”

“Then it’s all ‘kay,” he said with a shrug. “Good job, people.” To emphasize that, he turned his thumbs up and grinned.

Panicked whispers were coming from the troops now.

“Seriously,” Kai said louder. “From now on, when we save a village or whatever, take only what the people can spare. All right? Are we good?”

There was no more movement, and all the eyes were on him, now filled with fear. Damn, he really was some sort of villain.

“Can I dismiss them now?” He turned toward Pepin.

“You’ll have to train the knights,” his servant reminded him.

“Of course. Everyone but the knights dismissed!” he shouted.

“The knights are waiting for you at the jousting grounds,” Pepin whispered.

Right. The troops in front of him were all on foot.

“Then why aren’t we already there?” he asked Pepin like it was the servant’s fault that his master was a scatterbrain. “Come on, let’s go.”

Conrad followed them at a short distance.

“Does he really have to be everywhere I go?” he asked Pepin and threw one look over his shoulder at the – his – royal concubine.

“Your Majesty, do you really want to get rid of him? It would break his heart.”

“Really? He hates my guts. And he thinks that by getting rid of him I’m trying to break his neck, not his heart.”

“Break his neck? Ah, you mean,” Pepin said and made a discreet move with his hand across his neck.

Kai snickered. He was starting to infect Pepin with his stupidity. “Yeah. Between you and me, because he doesn’t believe me, I have no intention to do that. I just don’t need him anymore.”

“Why are you talking to your servant about me?”

Kai let out a small yelp. He hadn’t noticed Conrad getting so close.

“Because you’re annoying, and I don’t know how to deal with you,” Kai said promptly. “BL or whatever, I’m not interested, okay.”

“Ah, so it’s true,” Conrad said. “You just wanted to make your servant jealous by bringing me to your bed.”

“Say what?” Kai asked quickly.

It wasn’t enough that it was a BL story. He was caught in a frigging love triangle! Ugh, that meant double the danger.

“I am not jealous,” Pepin said from the tip of his lips and turned his head away from both of them.

“You’re not?” Conrad hissed. “Then why do I have to wear such tight clothes? I can barely breathe in them. It’s surely your hand in this. I don’t see how my garments could have shrunken overnight.”

Kai threw Conrad a cursory look. “Are they too tight? You look pretty awesome in them.”

Pepin looked at him, and he seemed surprised at his reaction. Ah, so the servant wasn’t completely unaware of what must have happened to Conrad’s clothes.

Conrad unbuttoned his coat, revealing a sculpted chest. “And I have no shirt!”

Kai stared for a moment. All right, he needed to focus. Be gone, BL thoughts! “Pepin, why doesn’t Conrad have a shirt?”

Pepin appeared quite ready to throw a hissy fit. He put his heels in the sides of his horse and rode away with a pissed-off look on his face. “Because Your Majesty prefers him naked, anyway!” he threw over his shoulder.

“Hmm,” Kai barely managed. Great, now he was alone with Conrad, which wasn’t exactly ideal. Who knew what lewd thoughts crossed the guy’s mind right this moment?

“You’re letting him get away with anything,” Conrad accused as soon as Pepin was out of earshot. “And you’re taking him with you everywhere now? Does it mean that you’re going to put him in my stead?”

“In your what?”

Conrad looked ahead. How come a proud man like that could settle for becoming a royal concubine? It had to be only because of the BL plot, or otherwise, it made no sense. “I would rather you not torture me like this, but very well, do as you wish.”

Kai grabbed Conrad’s arm. “Conrad, look,” he said, “no one will get your place, all right?”

The molten lava eyes inspected him for signs of lying, without a doubt.

“Cross my heart,” he added. “Now I have some knights -”

He gasped when Conrad grabbed him and pressed their mouths together. They had to be riding pretty close for the guy to pull a stunt like that. Kai felt his eyelids growing a bit heavy and his chest getting warm as Conrad brushed his lips forcefully against his.

No way was he getting any more tongue from a dude today! He pushed Conrad away, but just as measuredly as he had done with Pepin.

Conrad licked his lips and followed his every move with heated eyes.

“Um, about this, though,” Kai started, “can we not do it?” That was a good idea.

“So that you can do it with your servant?”

Kai groaned. “What the hell is wrong with you, people? Why does everyone want to sleep with me?” Well, it was an exaggeration, maybe, as they only seemed bent on kissing him, but still.

“Why? Are you really asking that question? You’re Prince Sebastian. Gods forbid someone didn’t do your bidding or it would be hell to pay,” Conrad said tersely.

“And I have no idea what you mean by that,” Kai said under his breath. “Now let’s go to the jousting grounds, to kick some knight’s ass.”

Conrad looked at him with a stricken expression in his eyes. “Even with the knights? Just how perverted are you?”

“That’s so frigging rich,” Kai moaned, “coming from a dude who just tried to stuff his tongue down my throat.”

“I certainly did not,” Conrad said, obviously taking offense.

“You did. Good thing I kept my mouth close,” Kai said back. “You went all forceful on me.”

“You ordered me all night long to do that to you.”

Kai rolled his eyes and looked at the azure skies, hoping for an answer. “I mean it, Conrad. You look like a cool dude. You can just forget about doing… that kind of things with me. I’m not firing you from being the royal concubine since you care so much, but I’m not going to require, um, that kind of services from you.”

“I am not about to fall into the same trap again. Now what do you want to do with the knights?”

“Definitely not the kind of thing I did with you last night,” Kai said. “I’m not a manwhore!” Hopefully not, or cool ice magic and other stuff were wasted on Prince Sebastian.

“Keep that thought, Your Majesty,” Conrad said with a smirk. “That is not what I’ve heard about you.”

Kai sighed. All right, so having superpowers came with drawbacks, but why did he have to be a manwhore in a BL story? Whatever, as a true hero, he would have to navigate this world with skill and determination, even if it meant fending off the advances of his sex slave along the way.

***

Sebastian took place at the small table and looked at the sad vegetable stew on his plate. “Is this the first course?” he asked.

The mother, whose name he hadn’t learned yet, looked at him with stern eyes. “As if you would finish even one. I don’t understand how you have no appetite at your age, but still managed to grow like weed.”

No appetite? He had a legendary appetite. But this gangly body in which he was trapped for now apparently cared little for food. Without commenting, he began to eat. From the corner of one eye, he spied on Princess Tani. She was fiddling with a magical item that looked like a thin rectangular box. She kept tapping on it and giggling from time to time.

“I said ‘no phone at the table’,” the mother said sternly.

Ah, so that was the phone Tani was talking about. And he seemed to have one of his own. That was the sort of thing he would have to examine at length later.

The food was not much to look at, but it had just the right amount of flavor. However, the portion on his plate proved to be unsatisfying. He would just have to wait for the second course once everyone finished theirs.

“Do you want seconds?” the mother asked him.

Confused, he looked at her.

“I’ll fill up your plate again just to witness the wonder,” she said and grabbed his empty plate.

Oh, that was what she meant by ‘seconds’. It wasn’t like him to eat so much of the same food, but it appeared that this family was down on their luck. Maybe the only wealth they still had was the hot spring underneath the building.

His quest couldn’t be to solve this family’s problems. Therefore, as soon as he could be alone with the magical item called ‘phone’, he would start figuring out what to do to lift the curse and return to his world.

“Tani, help me wash the dishes,” the mother warned the princess just as they were about to finish.

They were so pitifully poor, Sebastian thought. They had no one to wash the dishes, either.

“How come Kai doesn’t ever have to help you?”

“He breaks everywhere he puts his hands on. I don’t want to budget new plates this month,” the mother said.

Oh, so the original owner of this pathetic body was a klutz. However, Sebastian took offense at that. “I beg your pardon. I am perfectly capable of doing that.”

He had never washed dishes, but he had seen the kitchen wenches using large buckets with soapy water to clean them. How difficult could it be? He had slain dragons!

“All right. Let me see you place the plates in the dishwasher without breaking one while not forgetting to hit the correct button,” the mother said. She linked her fingers and placed her chin on them.

She was no longer young, and she seemed tired, but Sebastian liked her for some unfathomable reason. He was no good with mothers because he had never been close to one. Maybe that was the reason why he liked her.

“What is a dishwasher?” he asked.

The mother threw her hands in the air and began grabbing the plates from the table. She was shaking her head and muttering something under her breath. Sebastian followed her with his eyes as she opened a strange drawer and placed the plates inside.

“Are you watching, my helpless children?”

Sebastian looked attentively. Apparently, this family was in charge of multiple magical items, and he had been wrong, after all. Of course, the scarcity of food still had to be taken into consideration.

The mother pushed a button, and the dishwasher began making a strange noise. Sebastian looked with intense interest. Was that thing going to spit back clean plates?

“When it finishes its cycle, one of you,” the mother pointed sternly at him and the princess, “remember to take them out and put them back into the cupboard.”

“I will stay here until it does,” Sebastian said.

The mother gave him a crossed look. “For one hour and a half?”

Sebastian felt rightfully taken aback. That was some slow-moving magic. A kitchen wench would be much more efficient, but this family couldn’t afford one. Probably, they had no food to spare. That had to be the reason.

“Very well.” He stood stiffly. “I will return.”

How would he be able to tell the time? He hadn’t noticed the presence of a clock anywhere in that modest abode. He would just look out the window and check the position of the sun.

“What’s gotten into your brother?” He heard the mother asking the princess.

“I don’t know. He’s just himself, I guess.”

Very well. He had no interest in being questioned by the mother, and he couldn’t allow her to doubt him. Therefore, it was a good thing that the owner of his body was a strange individual. His minor mishaps would go unnoticed.

Now, he had a few things he was terribly curious about. He entered the room with the hot spring tap and began examining it. From what he could tell so far, the magical items in this world didn’t require incantations or particular skills. They could be used by tapping them or fiddling with knobs.

His eyes fell on the porcelain bowl. There was water at the bottom and a scented piece of soap hanged from a side. Then he noticed the reservoir that appeared attached to it. And then, a small lever. Could that be the entrance to a hidden dungeon? Without hesitation, he pushed the lever. Water rushed inside the bowl, and the scented soap spread its smell. Then it stopped.

“How peculiar,” he murmured.

He pushed the lever again, triggering the same thing. “Marvelous,” he exclaimed. That portal could be used to make things disappear.

“Mom!”

He turned to see Tani in the door.

“Kai keeps flushing the toilet and yelling ‘Marvelous’!”

A toilet? The gears in his head began to turn. He pulled his hand off the lever. “Oh, a toilet,” he said in a measured voice.

“Leave your brother alone. You’re too old to trail after him everywhere,” the mother yelled back at Tani.

“If only I could ask someone about these strange things,” he said to himself, without noticing that Tani was still there.

“What strange things?” Tani asked. Then she gasped and covered her mouth in fake surprise. “Are you discovering your body?”

Sebastian frowned. Could it be that she knew? “As a matter of fact, I am.”

Tani rolled her eyes. “You can’t take a joke these days, seriously. Any question you have, though, just ask your phone. I’m not getting pulled into your weirdness.”

The phone, of course. It was, apparently, a powerful item. But, to ask the questions he was interested in finding answers for, he needed to be alone.

He left the bathroom and walked into the hallway. Hopefully, he didn’t have to share his quarters with the young princess.

He noticed a door at the end of the hallway. In big letters, an inscription said ‘Kai’s Room, Keep Out And Be Aware Of Trolls’. Hmm, so Prince Kai appeared to prefer sleeping under a bridge. Sebastian opened the door cautiously, only to be welcomed by a small room with a bed and a desk. He walked in slowly, ready for a troll attack, but nothing happened.

The walls were covered with paintings of various creatures and tales of heroes. Well, at least, the prince of this strange world was not unacquainted with what it meant to be a ruler and defender of the realm. There was some comfort in knowing that this world was still inhabited by monsters, which meant he could go on quests and ensure that this family had enough food on the table.

He heard the plinking sound from before again and searched his pockets.

“Aha,” he said with satisfaction as he discovered an item similar to what Tani had used at the table. While hers was a bright pink color, his was black. “Phone,” he said, bringing the item to his lips, “what is a toilet?”

The phone remained silent. Hmm, maybe he didn’t know how to use it. He turned it over and examined it carefully, and then he noticed the knobs on one side. He pressed on one, and the item came to life.

“Marvelous,” he said. The face of his phone was a curvy female in skimpy clothes. Probably, she was the servant of the phone.

“Swipe up to open,” he murmured. He placed his palm on the phone and moved it upward.

Oh, things were happening. The curvy servant disappeared to let another appear in her stead. All kinds of strange runes were stamped over her image.

Then, suddenly, the item began to make noises, and the image changed again. He could see the face of the handsome commoner he had met early. So, he was in his phone, too?

“Oh, stop it,” he murmured and began tapping and swiping at random, annoyed with that sound.

The commoner’s face appeared again but from a different angle. And he started talking to him!

“Hey, Kai,” he said.

“What are you doing in my phone…” What was the young man’s name… “Milo?” Sebastian asked slowly.

“Hmm, yeah, good question.” Milo laughed. “You didn’t read my texts.”

Texts? Could it be that the young man was a scholar? “No, I didn’t,” he admitted. “Where are they? I might peruse them later.”

Milo dropped his eyelids, threw him a confused look, and then smiled. “What were you doing?”

“I just had a one-course meal with mother and Princess Tani, and then I inspected the room with the toilet. We have a hot spring,” he added with importance.

“A hot spring? Where?”

“Under the building, of course. We can command it by fiddling with knobs.” Since Milo was just a commoner, Sebastian felt that he needed to explain such things to him.

Milo ran one hand over his face and laughed. “Great to hear that you have hot water. I don’t want to pressure you or anything, but how about going on a date right now?”

That strange and dangerous quest Milo had mentioned before… Of course, as a valiant prince, Sebastian wouldn’t back down from a challenge. “What is a date, again?”

Milo grinned. “You really love pulling this act on me, don’t you? All right, I was thinking about going to Mandy’s, have some hamburgers.”

“Hamburgers. What are they?”

“Hmm, you’re really trying me here. Delicious meat in a bun with fries on the side and pickles. I’ll throw in some soda, and I’m paying.”

Oh, it was something to eat. This Mandy wench must be keeping a tavern where she served travelers. The date had to be a perilous quest that required the consumption of ritualistic food.

“After that, what will happen?” he asked.

“I was thinking that we could, you know, talk a little.” Milo stopped and blushed. “Maybe kiss a little more.”

That sounded like an extremely easy quest. “All right. Where should we meet?”

“I’ll come get you. I’m one block away. Oh, damn, I hope that didn’t sound weird or desperate, right?”

“No, not at all,” Sebastian said brightly. He had to accustom himself to the manner of speaking of these people so that he could see about his quest without drawing unnecessary suspicions. “Can you help me with something, commoner… I mean, Milo?”