Chapter 4: Dustin and Gabe get news that neither one can accept
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“Why would I want to see any of those guys?” Gabe says, over the phone.
I sigh, “Come on, I’ve been dodging Keith for the past year every time he comes up to visit, and this time, he’s coming up with Jake and Taylor.”
“Dust, There’s a reason I haven’t kept in touch with any of them since- I’ve moved on.” He shrugs, “I enjoyed high school, yeah, but I don’t feel like reliving those days with guys who I don’t even talk to anymore.”
I groan, “Dude they probably think we’re stuck up.”
“Because we are! Look man, you’re the only person from high school that I actually liked.”
“Please-” I interrupt. “I can’t say no and I don’t know if I could survive a dinner without you.”
Gabe exhales, “Fine, I’ll go.”
I give a sigh of relief and take a mental note to make it up to him somehow.
Gabe and I are both 21 and feel like we’ve left highschool behind. I go back often- mostly to visit my parents. Hell, sometimes it even takes a bit of convincing to get Grace to come back with me for long trips. Gabe, on the other hand, tries to keep his distance. He visits enough so his mom doesn’t worry, but even she knows how uneasy it makes him. He admitted one night that home reminds him of his dad- a painful thought that he likes to keep locked away in his subconscious. Frankly I don’t blame him.
In many ways, it feels like we packed up our childhoods and ran away up north without so much as looking back. We’ve built lives up here, and little hangouts like the ones that Keith offers feel like tethers to a life that Gabe left behind.
***
We meet up with them at some casual bar that serves food and the night turns out to be more relaxed than I expected. Jake and Taylor are finishing up at UCLA and visit Keith pretty often. There’s a passive comment about how me and Gabe moved to Berkeley and forgot everyone, but we both respond with shrugs and a laugh.
Despite everything, it’s nice to catch up and relive some of the old days. These guys were essentially my whole friend group until Gabe transferred in Junior year, and since then, he was a welcomed edition. I’d learn later that Gabe was only really friends with them because of me- a fact that doesn’t help with this stupid crush.
We reminisce some more and have some drinks until Jake and Taylor both take off around 9, having already made plans with some college friends who were visiting that same weekend. Keith, meanwhile, is hellbent on us getting drunk- something that doesn’t sound too bad at this point. I need to take the edge off from the emotional turmoil that my handsome friend brings me. And maybe the alcohol would help the conversation come easy.
Several beers and a couple shots later, and Keith is definitely drunk- while Gabe and I manage to hold our liquor a little better. Gabe may not care for Keith that much, but drunk Keith seems to pass his litmus test. We continue to chat and tell stories as the night goes on.
“I can’t believe it’s been, what, four years?” Keith asks, in his drunken state.
Gabe flashes me a weird, “what did we get ourselves into” look as he stealthily pulls away any of the glass bottles from in front of our old friend.
I nod, “Yeah man, it has been that long.”
Keith extends his arms, embracing the both of us in one go. “And now we’re all about to graduate. You two from Cal and me from USD.”
“Right? Where has the time gone?” Gabe asks with a sarcastic tone that goes right over him.
I snicker on my side of the table, knowing full well that I’m gonna get an earful from Gabe when we leave. I get up, telling them I need the restroom, which gets me a glare from Gabe who’s now stuck babysitting our old friend.
Five minutes later, I’m walking back to the table, just about to turn the corner when I hear Keith talking
“So what’s the deal with you and Dustin?” He asks, having sobered up a bit.
Gabe replies, “What do you mean what’s the deal?”
“Come on dude.” He says like it’s a joke, “No one thought anything when we were in high school, but then you came out. Now you guys are as close as ever. Don’t tell me there isn’t something there.”
My mind is racing at the idea of people thinking that we’re something more. It’s as if everyone in the world can see it, except Gabe of course, who hides behind those clear blue eyes like bulletproof glass.
“Dustin and I are just friends, man.” He says calmly, “And my coming out had nothing to do with him. We just-” he corrects, “I just don’t see us getting together.”
Keith relapses back to his drunken state, “But whyyyyyy?” He whines, “Everyone wants to see you guys together.”
Gabe lets that sit for a second before replying, “Not everyone.”
“You know, Taylor and Jake even have a bet going.” I hear Keith start to say, “They’re convinced that by thirty, if by some chance, you guys are both single, you’ll finally realize you’re perfect for each other and just date.”
Keith sounds amused at the whole thing, but Gabe remains silent. Even behind this wall, I can picture his stone cold face- not liking the fact that we’ve been talked about.
Keith starts to babble- slurring out a list of reasons why Gabe and I would be perfect together. He’s an idiot and half of his reasons are stupid like “you guys can share clothes” or “he won’t have to worry about not liking your parents.” But still, I want him to keep going hoping to chip away at that stone facade that I can never get past.
“Keith” He says, a bit annoyed at his persistence. “I love Dustin, I do. But we can’t be together. End of story”
Our friend seems to accept that and the table goes silent for a few seconds. Finally, I hear Keith stir, probably a bit embarrassed he’d been so pushy. “I’m sorry- I just really thought I saw something there.”
Gabe doesn’t respond and I wish I could see through the wall to see his face- to try and find the answers in his blue eyes that his mouth refuses to tell. I lean against the wall- feeling stupid for having eavesdropped into a conversation that wasn’t meant for me. Why did I have to listen to it?
And why can’t I accept his answers?
I come out from the other side of the wall and Gabe clears his throat, visibly surprised to see me. I play it off like I hadn’t heard anything, but I can feel my chest closing in. Keith changes the subject and within ten minutes, we’re laughing again- at least they are. I’m barely keeping it together and forcing myself to act normal when really, I just want to shake Gabe and force him to tell me why I’m not good enough.
But instead, I put on a show- one that I’d been doing for nine years. It’s a one man production, and based on how the first act is going, it doesn’t look like it’s going to have a happy ending.
***
Gabe and I are hanging out at my place, half watching Umbrella Academy and half stalking this dude we went to high school with that we hear is gay. It’s been weeks since our spat outside the club and things have gone back to normal. Ethan has officially become a thing of the past, and maybe it’s the fact that I’m still uneasy about our fight, but there haven’t been any guys since. Gabe also seems to be in some weird dry spell- something that I can’t help but feel relief about.
“There’s no way- I had every class with him senior year and he wouldn’t shut up about how much pussy he was getting.”
“It’s a total front! Apparently he was on the DL all through high school too.” I tell him, while drinking my beer. Taylor works with his boyfriend and he’s tagged along to several office functions!”
He shakes his head, “Carl Hanes”. Gabe takes a drink, “Who would have thought?”
I raise my beer, “They probably say the same thing about Gabriel Cruz.”
He rolls his eyes, “Those guys can say whatever the hell they want about me.” He points, “There’s a reason you’re the only person I told back then.”
I smile, hoping I can blame my blush on the empty cans of beer in front of me.
Gabe pulls out his phone and goes back to the page we’d been looking at earlier. “You know, Carl would look a lot better if he got a decent haircut.” He shows me a picture, “The Bieber cut should have stayed in 2012.”
We laugh together for a while, nearly choking on our beers when Gabe’s phone goes off. He answers it and immediately puts it on speakerphone.
“Hey mom.” He says, trying to control himself.
“Gabe, honey, where are you?”
He replies, “Just here at Dustin’s. Why what’s up?” I shout out a quick hello as I try to stop chuckling.
She pauses, “Look, I think maybe you should head home, there’s something I need to tell you.”
He scoffs, “Mom, it’s Dustin. Anything you need to tell me, you can say now. What’s going on?”
Now I don’t know if it’s the beer talking, or if he’s genuinely just that comfortable around me, but I feel like I’m intruding. I reach around and clear up some takeout trash from the coffee table, trying to busy myself as Ms. Peters takes the longest pause ever.
“It’s your father,” she says with shaky breath.
Gabe interrupts her, “What would he even want? We haven’t spoken in what- seven years?”
There’s a pause on the phone, and I can feel the silence burning into my bones.
“He passed away this morning.” She says, barely keeping it together.
“Son, I am so sorry.” She manages before breaking down.
My heart drops. Gabe turns to me and I swear the look on his face is something that will be etched into my memory for the rest of my life. He’s devoid of all emotion- staring at me blankly before his mom calls out to him.
He looks at his phone and takes her off speaker. I stay where I am, not daring to make a move or even speak. Gabe rushes into my bedroom a second later and I can hear the door shut, followed by muffled noises.
I don’t know how to react to all this. I don’t know if I should cry or if I should be angry for him. I just know that I’m here, waiting on the other side of that well for whatever Gabe needs.
***
A half hour passes and I only know this because I’ve stared up at the overhead clock the entire time, watching the hands pass and listening to any sign that I’m needed.
I make out a simple “I love you too” over the phone before the door opens and Gabe walks back out to the living room. I stand when he appears and see him clutching that phone like he’s scared that someone else is going to call with worse news.
Not knowing what else to do, I run up and hug him, patting his back three times like I’m knocking on his door and begging him to let me in. He instantly breaks down in my arms, filling the room with his wails and I can feel my shoulder get wet from his tears.
“Why did he have to die, Dust?” He sobs while clutching onto me. “First he leaves us and now he’s never coming back?”
I break down with him, “I don’t know Gabe. I-I just don’t know.”
I feel a chill running down my spine as I hear Gabe crying into my ears. It’s a sound that I haven’t heard in years and it brings me back to the nights when he let me in after his dad left. The outside world- the one full of cabs blaring their horns and people talking loudly on the street- they’re so far away from this apartment, from the two of us and the sound of our sobbing.
We stay like this for a while longer until the both of us calm down enough to walk over to the couch. He’s still holding onto me, worried that if he lets go, he’ll lose me too. Once he’s a bit more put together, I dare to ask him what happens. He sighs heavily, having to relive the events once more.
“My mom got a call from my aunt a half hour ago saying that she’d just come back from the hospital. Apparently he had a heart attack late last night, but by the time he was brought to the hospital, there wasn’t anything the doctors could do for him.” He pauses, “He never had a heart problem before- at least not that my mom knew of. My aunt says it started when he moved back home.”
He looks at me while shaking his head, “You know he’d been living in Fresno this whole time?” He says, working himself up. “Yeah, he got deployed to Iraq right after the divorce and when he came back, he moved closer to his family.”
Gabe scoffs, “The man left for war without so much as a text message, and then moves back to live less than three hours away?” He spits out “What the kind of shit is that? My mom and I aren’t worth a fucking heads up? How the fuck can he just be so close and yet so far away at the same time?”
I panic, not really sure if I’m supposed to agree or try to diffuse the situation but I can feel his anger radiating from across the couch. I go with my gut and grab Gabe by the shoulder, forcing those blue eyes, now muddled with tears, to look at me.
“Gabe stop!” He straightens up, “He chose to leave all those years ago-” I breathe, “and that’s something he had to live with until he died.”
I give him a shake, “But you-” I pause “you built a life for yourself without him. And now that he’s gone, you’re going to continue to be the person that you needed him to be for you!”
“You’re going to be okay.”
I exhale, taking notice of how close our faces have become in that little speech. Gabe is close- so fucking close that I can taste his breath; that I can see the crimson in his tired eyes. It’s almost too much- like seeing a painting so close that you can make out every brush stroke like a conscious decision.
I don’t trust myself with making conscious decisions around him.
I pull back, seeing a faint look of disappointment in his eyes. Despite everything I’ve been feeling up until that point, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I took advantage of him at the most vulnerable state I’ve ever witnessed. The last thing either of us needs is a stupid kiss to fuck everything up. I’m ashamed for even letting that cross my mind.
He breaks the tension again by clutching onto my wrist- like he’s checking my pulse to make sure I’m alive.
“You always do that.” He says with less edge in his voice.
“Do what?”
“Talk me down from the ledge.” He hugs me once again and I press my arms into him, wondering if a boy that broken could ever be fixed.
Gabe stands up and awkwardly looks around the room. “I-I should head home.” He has his hands in his pockets, “There’s all these arrangements and wills and all this shit that my aunt wants to include me in. And I need to try and find a suit and check on my mom…”
“And you need to process everything” I add before he starts freaking out again.
He nods, “Yeah. I guess I do.”
He reaches for his keys and looks back at me, “I love you, Dust”
“I love you too, Gabe” I say as I watch him leave.