Not in That Way

Chapter 3: Dustin hits his breaking point with Gabe

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After my talk with Grace, I get back to my apartment and know that I need a distraction that doesn’t involve a drunken night with Gabe. I eat a quick dinner, thankful that he hasn’t texted me to see what I was up to. I figure he’s still home with his mom, and even if he does reach out, I’ll just make something up.

I take a shower and rummage through my closet to find a white button up shirt that’s just a bit too small- so much so that it shows off my chest pretty nicely. A shirt like this would surely get a laugh out of Gabe who’d insist I was trying too hard, but really I am. I opt for some tight jeans and check myself out in the mirror before I go, thinking that I could give him a run for his money.

I walk a few blocks from my place, passing a some bars that mostly boast lines of sorority girls and sports blaring from the overhead TV’s- neither of which is what I’m looking for. I stumble upon that club from the other day that Gabe had brought me to, which seemed to be more along the lines of what I was looking for- thanks, in part, to the rainbow flag hung from the window.

I walk in, seeing dozens of guys dancing and drinking and probably checking each other out, just like I am. I head to the bar and manage to get myself a drink despite the line- giving myself props for pulling a Gabe. A few guys come up and make conversation, and I play it cool but let them off easy. They’re not exactly what I’m looking for, though if I’m honest, I don’t even know what that is.

I dance for a bit, loosening up as the music shifts and as sweat starts to form on me. I’m out of my element, but I’ve learned that staying in my comfort zone has done more harm than good these days. I look up to see a cute guy walking towards me. His body is being shown off by that tight shirt that he’s wearing, but as he gets closer, it’s apparent that he’s young. And for a while, I told myself that younger guys were off-limits.

The thing is, at 26, I just can’t see myself with someone who may not have the same wants that I do. Who I am now and who I was in college are two different people, with vastly different priorities. I remember having this drawn out conversation with Gabe one drunken night, and surprisingly he was in agreement. Gabe can practically have his pick of any guy he wants, but even he follows some sort of code. Meanwhile, mystery dude continues to walk over, and the closer he gets the more desirable he seems.

He stops in front of me and we make casual conversation- asking how each other’s nights are going and what we have planned later. I play off that I came alone and he tells me that his friends left a few minutes ago, but he decided to stay behind, saying that something caught his eye.

I give myself a mental high five and we walk over to the bar to close out our tabs. Turns out his name is Ethan, and he just so happens to want to leave at the exact moment I do. We hand the bartender our cards and I manage to take a peek of his wallet, seeing a student ID in one of the flaps. Still, I wait until we’re outside- not wanting to get him permanently banned from this club. It’s a red flag, for sure, but I’ve reached that point where I’ve put up blinders.

We walk out and linger a bit by the entrance underneath an overhead lamp post. In the light, it’s clear that he’s young, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to him.

“That’s a pretty convincing fake you got there.” I say, catching him off guard.

Ethan scratches his head, a bit embarrassed that he’d been caught. “It worked well enough for the bouncer and the bartender. You, not so much.”

I chuckle, “How old are you, really?”

“Nineteen.” He says, not even trying to formulate a lie.

I hide my face, feeling a bit too separated with seven years between us and only a couple feet. That would normally be a few more years than I was comfortable with, but at this point, my brain isn’t the one making decisions.

“Why, how old are you?” He asks, shyly.

“Twenty six”

His eyes grow wide, “Wow.”

I nod, as I cross my arms, “Does that change anything?” I ask, with my curiosity piqued. If I had a few less drinks in me, I would have shut this down immediately, but I’m intrigued.

“Not at all” he affirms. He takes a step closer, “I think you’re really hot.”

I smirk, feeling like I’ve achieved something outside this club. I haven’t felt this desirable in months. Then, like every time before, Gabe shows up out of the corner of my eye. He’s walking towards us while carrying a bright pink box from MaryAnn’s. He does a double take when he recognizes me, not expecting to see his friend outside of a club this late.

“Dust?” He asks as he gets closer.

“Oh hey Gabe, just got back?” I ask casually.

He pulls his Airpods out and nods, “Yeah. I managed to catch the last train home. I was actually on my way to your place, but it looks like I found you anyway.”

“Yeah” I brush off, “Just chatting with my friend Ethan, here.” He waves, a bit confused at the situation before Gabe greets him, albeit a bit coldly.

“Dust, can I talk to you for a sec?” He asks, gesturing closer to one of the buildings.

I turn to Ethan who’s doing his best to stay out of whatever it is. “Hey just give me a sec” I say, to which he nods and pulls out his phone. I walk over to Gabe who checks to make sure he’s out of earshot before asking.

“What are you doing out here with that guy?”

I shrug, “We were just talking, why does it matter?”

Gabe shakes his head, “Because you wouldn’t even go to a club until two days ago and now you’re outside one, trying to what- seal the deal with some twink?”

I peer my eyes at him, getting annoyed with every passing word, “And so what if I am, Gabe? I didn’t realize we kept tabs on each other.”

“We don’t!” he says back to me, “But Jesus, that kid barely looks like he’s out of high school.”

“You don’t get to do this” I say, feeling pretty fed up at this point. “You don’t get to shit on every person that I get with when I turn a blind eye to every single guy you take home. You always have something to say- whether it’s about Tom or him or any other guy who’s remotely interested in me!”

He puts his hands up, visibly shocked at my assault, “That’s not what I’m doing-”

I stop him, “It is- it always is!” I take a step back, “You always find the faults in every single guy who crosses my path, all because they’re not as perfect as you.”

Gabe scowls, “You know I don’t think of myself that way.” He pauses, “I’m just looking out for you.”

“Well I don’t need you to look out for me.” I say, seeing his face turn to sadness as I do. At this point, the anger seems to have left the both of us and it’s just me and Gabe pleading to understand each other.

“Just go home, Gabe.” I say, with a strained breath.

He looks defeated, but he doesn’t say anything more. He zips up his jacket and walks off, leaving me to feel like the biggest asshole of all time. This really isn’t just about Ethan or tonight- there’s just too much history of ex-boyfriends and judgemental comments that rose to the surface. This is just another half-eaten argument that gets neatly packed away in a to-go box.

It’s something I’ll have to deal with another time.

I let out a deep sigh and turn. To my surprise, Ethan is still there scrolling on his phone, oblivious to our conversation. I walk back, ready to call it a night when that pang of jealousy hits.

I refuse to let Gabe ruin another night for me.

“Everything ok?” He asks, biting down on his bottom lip and looking at me like I’m some piece of meat he’s waited patiently for.

“Yeah.” I say back to him. “Hey, um, do you wanna go back to my place?”

He nods excitedly, almost like he’s finally going to get what he wants.

***

Ethan follows me back to my place without much talking. It’s been a while since I’ve met someone with the sole intention of sex, and so I forget just how cold these encounters are. Still, he’s hot and willing and seems to have a thing for me- all of which are the bare minimum of what I need to keep going.

We get back to my apartment and do this awkward dance in the living room. I’m a bit disoriented- partly from being in a relationship for the past six months and partly because I was always used to Tom taking the lead in everything. Maybe it’s because I’m older, but I now feel like I’m the one who should direct how things go.

Ethan’s looking around a bit as I contemplate my next move.

I step closer to him, seeing that youthful face washed by the overhead light from the hallway.

“I could offer you something to drink- though you’re clearly not old enough.” I say, earning a chuckle. “Or we could just skip all of that.”

He smirks and nods, “What else did you have to offer?” He says rhetorically.

I pull on his wrist and lead him into my bedroom- feeling like I could give him any command in the world ahd he’d follow it without question. I grab onto his face, rubbing my thumbs against his jaw as he looks at me with those big, brown eyes.

“You’re really fucking cute.’ I admit to him, seeing his expression change to a bit of a blush.

“And you’re really hot.”

Ethan may be breaking my riles, but he’s doing wonders for my self-confidence. I lean into him, tasting his lips with mine. The boy feels like butter in my hands that’s slowly melting the more I touch him. My fingers make quick work of his buttons and I peel off his shirt, exposing that lean body and a couple abs. He feeds off how pleased I am at his body, and he mimics my motions until both of our shirts are discarded on the hardwood floor.

He sinks down, tracing his tongue against my skin like he’s leaving a trail to return to. Once on his knees, he reaches for my fly and unzips my jeans. It’s been a few weeks since I’d been with someone, so my cock is unsurprisingly hard and straining through my briefs. He takes a hold of it, feeling my length through that pouch as he slips the waistband over my ass. I watch as he carefully pulls my dick out and beam with pride as his eyes go wide, seeing exactly what I have to offer.

“Holy shit.” He says as he takes a hold of the base, “You’re big.”

I take in the compliment and simply rub the side of his face, inching him back to my dick. Ethan takes the hint and starts sucking me off. He can’t take all of me, but his enthusiasm more than makes up for it. I look down at him, seeing that boyish face with a mouth full of my length. God he looks good.

I run my fingers through his curls as he dares to take in more. He manages to get another inch or two more before I hear the sweet sound of him gagging. He pulls off, exposing that shiny trail of spit that hangs from his mouth and my dick, along with misty eyes. He jerks me off from the base while licking my head.

Ethan keeps his head still and I take that as a sign. I watch him curl his lips around my dick as I hold onto his head and start fucking his face. The first few pumps nearly set me off- having not done that in months. Eventually, I find that sweet spot of riding this euphoric wave as my dick moves in and out of his mouth.

The room fills with the wet sounds of his mouth and I look over to my left to see a perfectly framed image: Ethan on his knees with my dick in his mouth while jerking himself off.

Fuck this feels good.

Eventually I pull out of him and lift him up to his feet. His legs are a bit weak, having spent so much time on his knees, but I steady him. I hold the boy close, seeing those pretty eyes light up in the process. His dick is poking into my crotch and I can feel mine doing the same. I cup his jaw and kiss him- tasting that sweet boy for all he’s got. He’s a bit taken aback by my motions, wrapping his arms around my body and giving me every indication that he’s submitting to whatever I have planned.

I feel so strong kissing Ethan. He’s several inches shorter than me, so I purposely have to bend down while he stands on his tippy toes just so we can meet halfway. And then there’s how submissive he is. With Tom, I always folded and obeyed and did whatever I was told simply because that was the nature of our dynamic. With Ethan, it’s like he’s a lost puppy, waiting for his older partner to take him where he needs to go.

“On your knees.” I instruct, seeing his eyes light up as he jumps onto my bed.

Ethan fixes himself into the middle and dips his head down, exposing that smooth back and a pink pucker that’s peeking out from his ass cheeks. I kneel behind him, cupping his plump ass in my hands as I spread them apart, exposing more of that hole.

“Good boy.” I tell him, earning me a proud smile from his cute face.

I sink down, unable to resist a hole so pretty. I tease him slightly with long licks against the edges of his pucker- it’s a move that has him shuddering beneath me, like putty in my hands.

Once I’ve had my fun, I stick my tongue out and close in on his hole. Ethan is tight and he clenches down- only making the process of opening him up even longer. Little does he know that rimming is easily one of my favorite things to do- especially with a hole as tight as his.

Time passes and the room is now full of Ethan’s moans- something that’ll make for some awkward encounters with my neighbors for a few weeks. He looks back at me with his hair all messed up from being buried in my pillows and an open-mouthed expression that lets out obscenity after obscenity.

“Please fuck me” he begs, having been worked up entirely and waiting for me to grant him the pleasure of finishing.

I grin with my mouth covered in spit as I give his ass a playful smack. Ethan stays in position like a good little sub while I get up and walk over to my nightstand. There, I pull out a condom and a bottle of lube- two things that hadn’t seen much use since my last relationship.

I roll the condom onto my dick and watch as Ethan reaches back to play with his hole. He knows what he’s doing, and it only works to get me even harder. By the time I’m lubed up, I slide in slowly, feeling his breathing hitch as he takes my length.

“Fuckkkk” he shudders while gripping onto my bedsheets.

I take my time, knowing that it’s been a while since I fucked someone, and if I’m not careful, it can be over before it barely starts. I look down, seeing my dick disappear into Ethan’s ass- with only that slight opaque ring at the base of the condom to tell me how deep I’m going. I’m moving much slower than I normally would, though Ethan doesn’t seem to mind. He stifles his moans whenever I push in, which only inflates my ego.

Once I feel like he’s gotten used to my size, I fuck him harder. I hold him by his waist and slam into him, feeling his plump ass jiggle against my body. Ethan is letting out cute little moans as I fuck him and I reach down to pull him up so he’s leaning against me. It’s here where I’m fully inside him- made evident by his hard dick that won’t go down.

I latch onto his neck and suck on his skin as he reaches behind to touch me. I continue to thrust into him and turn my attention to his nipples, feeling a piercing in each one that I hadn’t noticed before. I caress them, getting me even more sweet sounds that leave his mouth as I playfully bite along his shoulder.

“You’re gonna make me cum if you keep doing that” He says, out of breath.

I pinch harder, hearing his breath hitch as cock goes deeper inside of him.

“That’s kinda the point” I say with a laugh.

Ethan pulls my face to kiss and kisses me. We stay like that for a bit with me playing with his nipples while steadily fucking him- and him, with his hands all over me, refusing to let go of my lips.

It feels amazing, but at the same time, I hate it.

It feels too romantic.

It feels like either one of us could slip and say the wrong thing.

It feels like I should be doing this with someone else.

I push Ethan down, and see his back arch as he hits the bed. The smirk on his face as he turns back tells me that he likes it when I get rouch. I hold onto his hips and fuck into him as he reaches down and jerks himself off. Here, all I can make out is his back and the haircut that looks too fucking similar to Gabe’s. I fuck him faster, coaxing out a load before this fantasy turns into something I can’t take back.

I press my hand into the small of his back as I unload into the rubber- feeling relief after being pent up for so long. His breaths match mine and I can tell by the way he’s jolting that he’s coming too. He turns back to me with his hair messed up and a satisfied grin on his face.

“Holy shit- that was so fucking good.” He says as I try my best to force a smile.

I pant, “Yeah, it was.”

Ethan collapses onto my bed and I look to see his naked body. I can’t see his face from up here and. If I try hard enough, I can almost picture that it’s someone else. I toss the condom in the trash and feel the residual cum on my body. It feels gross and as I stand up, I’m met with regret.

Thankfully he doesn’t stay much longer. He gets up and uses the rag I give him to clean himself off. Ethan reaches for his clothes and we chit chat for a bit until he’s fully dressed and fixing his hair while looking at his reflection. He comes up to me and I reach out to kiss him- something that earns me a smile that I don’t deserve.

Ethan finds my phone on the nightstand and motions to me. I unlock the screen and he quickly puts his number in before handing it back.

“Hit me up sometime.” He says, and I simply nod in response as he walks out the door. I look down on my phone and delete his number- hoping I can undo the past hour.

I rip the sheets from my bed and toss them in the hamper before opening the windows- hoping any remnants of tonight will be long gone.

A little while later, I’m back in bed after a shower, staring up at the ceiling as I feel the fresh sheets underneath me. Even after all of that, all I can think about is the look on Gabe’s face when I told him to go home.

I hate this.

I can’t be with him. And I can’t be with someone else without thinking about him. The universe has handed me this perfectly imperfect person on a silver platter and told me that friendship is all we’ll ever have.

But it’s not enough. And I fall asleep counting all the reasons it has to be.

That night, I dream about how we got to this point. How Gabe became such a fixture in my life and why he’s stuck around for so long. It all comes down to my confession.

***

It’s been a month since I met Gabe and things have moved pretty quickly.

It started off with that meeting at the coffee shop for what I thought would be a simple half-hour chat and exchanging of notes. But after I’d gone over the material and started to pack up, he started asking me questions and insisting that we get food. A half hour turned to three, and by the end of it, I wasn’t so conscious of his attempts to make me stay, rather I enjoyed being there.

Gabe invited me back to his place afterwards, saying that his parents were going to some Army Ball and that he’d be alone anyways. I accepted, having nothing better to do, and realizing that spending more time with a cute boy couldn’t hurt.

Flash forward to now where it feels like he’s inserted himself into my life. There wasn’t much going on before Gabe- but ever since we became friends, it’s been nights at each other’s houses, little explorations in our small town, and talking- a lot of talking.

Gabe’s the kind of person who can turn a simple trip to the ice cream store into an adventure. One that’s filled with endless observations, questions and a lot of jokes. He’s playful and sweet and so handsome, and out of everyone in this town, he befriended me.

Which is what makes what I’m about to tell him even harder.

I need to come out to Gabe. It’s become one of those absolutes in my life that I keep racking my brain about. I wasn’t too worried about telling Keith or Taylor and I think, deep down, it’s because I don’t really care what they think. But Gabe, Gabe is different. I don’t want him to react poorly, and so I’ve been trying to find the best way to tell him and leave unscathed.