Jack typically wakes up before Ethan, and today was no different. But today he slept right through his normal wake up time at 4am, and instead woke up in his bedroom with the sun streaming on his face.
He opened his eyes and saw Ethan’s sleeping face first, laying sideways, one hand under the pillow, the other resting between his legs, hair falling over his right eye a bit, mouth slightly open. Then Jack looked down at EJ between them, laying on his stomach, Spiderman PJ’s, little hands curled up into tiny fists, mouth slightly open and drooling. Jack smiled, they have the same shape mouth.
EJ was starting to lose some of his chub and legs were getting really long. He will be four years old in less than two weeks, a big boy. And his vocabulary is getting really big. Last week he used the word frightened. Jack thought, how did he know how to use that word in a sentence?
“It’s just a thunderstorm EJ. No need to be scared,” he told him.
And EJ said, “I’m frightened!” It almost took his breath away.
Jack held him and said, “No need to be frightened, I got you bud.” He rocked him like he used to do when he was two years old and EJ let him. That’s going to start to change soon, but for now, holding and comforting his son is what he will continue to do for as long as he will let him. He missed Ethan terribly in those weeks he wasn’t around, but he missed EJ just as much.
Watching EJ reminded him of why he slept through his normal wake up time. He dreamed a memory again, one he didn’t want to end. This time it was Christmas, he was five years old and his parents bought him a tricycle. At first his mother said no to going outside, “It’s too cold!” But he rode it all over the house until he got on her nerves bumping into everything, so his dad took him outside to ride up and down the street. His first big boy bike.
He remembered everything about it: cobalt blue color, with blue and white tassels and a bell. He rode up and down the street all morning, his father chasing him at first, then just watching him. He would only stop to pick up rocks and sticks to pile them in the metal basket in the back between the wheels. His face was red, his mouth was blue but all that mattered was he got his big boy bike. He held onto that memory as long as he could, until the sunlight forced him to open his eyes.
He looked back up and saw that Ethan was awake, watching him watch EJ. Jack smiled. Ethan smiled back. He reached over and put his hand gently on EJ’s back. Jack reached over and put his hand on top of Ethan’s.
Jack mouthed, love you. Ethan shrugged playfully, and grinned, making Jack grin. Ethan moved his hands around to lace his fingers with Jack. They laid this way staring at each other until EJ began stirring beneath them.
~~~~~
Jack and Ethan were staying a couple of days at the farm to open presents there, then heading down to Greenwich to spend Christmas day with his family. His brother AJ and family were already there. They came downstairs together from Jack’s room into the open area with EJ leading the way yelling “It’s Christmas!”
Mina picked him up and swung him around. “Not yet little E, tomorrow is Christmas.”
But he insisted as toddlers do, “Noooooo it’s Christmas!”
She laughed and said, “What do you want for breakfast?” She led him towards the kitchen and Ethan followed for some coffee. Jack went towards the living room where his Uncle Henry was there pilling papers in his briefcase getting ready for work.
“Hey dad,” Jack said. He started calling his Uncle Henry dad after he came back from Ireland last September.
Henry glanced up, then glanced back down. “Hey Jack. Not working today?” He busied himself with his papers.
Jack said, “No, I took the day off, actually I don’t go back until Thursday.”
Henry said, still not looking at Jack, “I’m surprised they let you, considering your stunt this fall. Do you even have vacation time left to take?” Then he brushed past Jack and headed for the door.
Jack sighed. Ever since he came back in early September his uncle has been distant with him. Jack missed the initial yelling he did to Mina, Henrietta and June, as he went to the Inn to see Ethan first rather than see his aunt and uncle like the rest of them did. But he heard about it; his uncle was furious at them. Furious that they left without a word to anyone of where they were going. Furious that they didn’t call the whole time they were away.
Furious that they just walked back onto the farm together like it was a regular day and their parents weren’t sick with worry for three weeks and a half weeks. Henrietta had left one cryptic message on her mother’s phone, “Mom, Dad, we’re going on a road trip and will be back soon. Me, Mina, Jack and June. We won’t have any cell service to call. We love you. Thank you for being our parents.”
After a week, they called the local police and filed a missing person’s report for all four of them. They went to June’s dorm and found Jack’s envelope with his car keys and ticket, and they found Jack’s car in a parking garage in Queens. The trail went cold from there and their parents were really scared. So when Henrietta and Mina showed up at their doorstep, Marie literally screamed. They had to reassure her they were fine, that everything was fine and she wasn’t seeing ghosts of them. She called her husband who came home immediately.
Then June showed up with EJ and Liam, and said EJ was spending the night at the house with them so Jack and Ethan could “talk.” Henry sat them down in the living room, yelled, lectured and berated them for how they worried everyone with their road trip. “Where did you go?” he asked.
They refused to tell him, Henrietta reminding her father that they were all adults and did not have to report their daily comings and goings with their parents. That’s when he really flipped out, screaming at them at how irresponsible, inconsiderate, complete dumb asses they all were, and since they were all adults and didn’t feel they needed to report to anyone, they were all to move the fuck out.
Jack had stayed in the Inn with Ethan for two full days before he came out of the basement apartment and headed home. Things had calmed down considerably, but Henrietta did announce she was moving out officially to live with Brayden. Henrietta asked Brayden to marry her in September and Brayden, who had been asking Henrietta to marry him for the last four years, readily accepted. They were to be married next May.
While his cousins’ relationships with their parents had not faltered, Jack found himself walking on eggshells with his uncle anytime they were around each other. Like there was something unspoken between them. The day he came home for dinner, Marie hugged tight and kissed him, and Henry glared at him.
“Nice to see you remembered where you lived,” was all he said to him.
Jack responded, “Of course Dad, it’s good to be home with the people who love you the most.” Then turned to Marie and said, “I missed your cooking, Mom,” and hugged her again. No one spoke, as Jack had never called his uncle, dad or his aunt, mom before. But as Marie sat down, she bursted into tears. Then June, then Henrietta, then Mina.
Jack smiled and said, “You’re all so sensitive. Women!” And he piled up his plate with food, making the ladies laugh and cry. Only Henry continued to watch him with a sour face. That same sour face he’s had for Jack for the last three months, and today was no different.
Ethan came over to Jack with a cup of coffee. “Still?” he asked Jack.
Jack shook his head in sadness and said, “I don’t know, I wish he would either yell at me or tell me he hates me or something, but this back and forth between the silent treatment and snide remarks is getting old. I’m trying to wait it out, but it just seems to be getting worse.”
Ethan suggested, “Maybe instead of waiting it out, maybe you just need to talk to him, tell him you’re sorry for leaving the way you did.”
“I did. That night I went to the house I apologized for leaving and having the girls worry enough to follow me. He seemed to accept it, but then asked where did we go and I didn’t answer him. And that was that.”
“Well it sounds like that’s what he’s waiting for, you to tell him where you went,” Ethan said.
“You know I can’t do that. And you know why.”
Ethan nodded. Jack had told him everything of what happened in Ireland, what he learned about his family, his parent’s death, and what he did. “Well make something up, tell him you went to France to learn a new language, or Florida because you wanted to see Disneyworld up close.”
“You know I’m not going to lie,” Jack said.
“Omission is a type of lie, Jack,” Ethan said. “You’re omitting the truth from him. He knows it. And until you can find a way around giving him the truth without divulging your crimes, your relationship will stay strained.”
Jack sighed again. He changed the subject. “Anyway listen, I thought of something. I want to buy EJ a tricycle.”
“OK. When, for his birthday?” he asked.
“No, today,” Jack said.
Ethan laughed. “It’s Christmas Eve. Do you know what the shops are going to look like today?”
Jack shrugged. “I still want to get it for him. Today. But it’s a specific one I am looking for.”
“Okaaay,” Ethan said. “What’s this really about?”
Jack shrugged again. “I just want to get him a tricycle. I had one as a kid. He should have one too.”
Ethan knew it went deeper than just, “I want to get him a bike.” But he let it go for now. He is learning when to push Jack on an issue and when to let Jack come to him. So instead he said, “OK. We’ll take a drive into Providence.”
Ethan and Jack stayed out the whole day looking for a tricycle for EJ. The smaller stores didn’t have it and nothing at Walmart or Target was good enough, according to Jack. He was looking for a cobalt blue one with blue and white tassels and a bell. It had to have a little metal basket at the bottom between the two wheels in the back. After going from shop to shop and it was getting close to the Christmas Eve dinner the Fraziers host, they came back home.
“We’ll find it before his birthday, don’t worry,” Ethan said.
~~~~~
Everyone was present for dinner at the Frazier household except for Henrietta, who opted to spend Christmas with her fiancé Brayden’s family this year. Conversation flowed normally. Then Marie said, “Make sure you take the two apple pies for Sue and Becky tomorrow when you go see your folks.”
Jack made a joke, “I don’t know if they’ll make it mom, we might just disappear with them,” and laughed.
“Don’t you think you’ve done enough disappearing for a lifetime?” Henry said coldly. Jack’s smile faded.
“Dad. It was just a jo-”
“I’m not your dad, son,” Henry said. “I’ve tried to be. I’ve tried to raise you up the way I know your dad would have, with honor, respect, integrity. But clearly I failed at all of that, if you have none of those attributes, especially for me.” The table got deadly silent.
Jack leaned back in his chair and said quietly, “I have always honored and respected you, and your role in my life as my dad. If you don’t want to be my dad, just say so, and I’ll stop calling you dad.”
Henry paused, then asked, “Where did you go last August?”
Jack looked at him for a while at first as he came to a realization, then said, “Why is it so important for you to know?”
Henry looked like he debated what he was going to say, then said, “It’s less important for me to know, and more important for you to be the one to tell me.”
Jack asked again, “Why? If I tell you, would that show that I respect you as my dad? Honor you?”
“Actually yes it would,” Henry said. “It would show that you trusted me, as your father, to guide you in the right direction. Since clearly you didn’t trust me to guide you before you made the decision to go.”
Jack let a moment pass as his realization was confirmed. He said, “If you already know where I was, then what is this really about?”
Marie chimed in, “But we don’t know, Jack. We don’t know why you all left or where you all were-”
“Dad knows,” Jack said. “He knows exactly where we were.”
Marie looked at Henry to confirm and Henry just looked at Jack. Then Henry said, “Were you really that dense to think that my own cousin wouldn’t call me when you showed up on her doorstep?”
No one spoke again. Mina and June looked at each other confused. They knew Jack had left them at one point to go find Nate Riley, their dad’s best friend, but they didn’t understand what Henry meant until Jack said, “I didn’t know that Nate’s wife was my aunt until I got there.”
Henry said, “You didn’t do a whole lot of thinking did you, son?”
“Are you angry that I went or are you angry that I didn’t tell you?” Jack asked.
Henry finally yelled, “BOTH!”
Jack nodded. Finally we were getting somewhere, he thought. He started, “Dad-”
But Henry cut him off, “You’re a grade A dumb ass, you know that! You know why we’ve kept you from that side of the family, from Ireland! You could have died! I could have lost my son! My son! Do you care about any of that, how your mother and I would have felt, if you would have died for the one thing I have tried to protect you from, from the day I put you in my arms in London all those years ago? Do you give a shit about how I feel about you at all!?”
Jack was quiet, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.
Henry kept yelling, “You should be! Because not only did you intentionally go to get yourself killed, you dragged your sisters with you.”
Jack said loudly, “No! I told them I had to go alone, they-”
Henry cut him off again. “Oh did you really think they would have let you go alone to get yourself killed? After all these years you’re still walking around here thinking you are a lone wolf, that because you lost your parents tragically no one else could understand, could be there for you, when all this time, that’s what we’ve all been doing. Rallying around Jack. Making sure Jack is ok. Taking care of Jack, mentally and emotionally. Giving Jack the space he needs so he doesn’t explode.
“Everyone at this table, including Ethan, bends over backwards to make sure you know that you are loved and cared for. Do you realize that yet, Jack? Did you really have to go all the way to fucking Ireland and almost get yourself killed to figure that out, Jack?”
Jack was trying really hard not to let any tears fall. He started again, “I know you all care about-”
Henry cut him off a third time, “If I’m your dad, then why wouldn’t you tell your dad how you were feeling about your parent’s death, hmm? The pain, the anger, the grief? Did you think I wouldn’t have those same feelings of pain, anger, grief? That I’d want to do something about it too? Because you weren’t the only one that lost something precious to you that night. I lost my baby sister! To senseless violence.
“And I could have lost you the same way-” his voice started breaking and he looked away. The table remained quiet.
Henry rose, put both hands on the table and said, “I’ve always looked at you like you were my son. From the day I put you in my arms, you’ve been mine, my only son. And I’ve never looked back. But I don’t think you’ve seen me as your father. And this whole thing has made me realize that. So what does that say about the relationship we’ve had for the last 18 years?” He stood up and walked out.
The table remained a quiet, even EJ felt the tension at the table. Marie, Mina and June had tears down their faces. Ethan looked at Jack who was staring straight ahead, stone faced. Ethan reached over and lightly touched Jack’s leg.
He said quietly, “Wanna go for a drive?” Jack looked over, searched his face for a bit, then nodded once. Ethan stood up, said, “So Jack and I are going to go out for a bit, we’ll be back much later.”
He went to EJ and said, “Be good for mom mom Marie, Aunt Junie and Aunty Mina. I’ll be back.” He kissed his forehead, then tickled and blew raspberries on his neck making him laugh. Then Ethan went over to Jack and reached for his hand.
“Ready?” Jack took it without a word and they walked out hand in hand to grab their coats and go.
~~~
They got in his BMW x5 and started driving east toward I-395. He put on a playlist from Pandora and they drove in silence for about 20 minutes until Jack asked, “What is this shit you put on?”
“One Direction Station on Pandora. I thought you like that white boy shit,” Ethan said amusingly.
Jack busted out laughing. “I feel like I need to remind you almost weekly that you’re white, dude. No amount of listening to hip hop is going to change that.”
“I completely own the fact that I’m white, now you need to own up to the fact that you were tapping to the song before this one,” Ethan said.
Jack shrugged. “It was Justin Beiber.”
“AH! The fucking Beibs!! Our relationship is fucking over!!” Ethan yelled.
Jack was really laughing now. “Everyone likes the Beibs!” he protested.
Ethan yelled at him again. “Are you a 12 year old girl!? The fuck!? No self-respecting gay man listens to fucking Justin Beiber!” They both laughed for about two full minutes. When it quieted down, Ethan started:
“So let me tell you how I ended up in Rockville. You know how my divorce was final three Thanksgivings ago, right? That night I was feeling amazing, like I was free, on top of the world, a weight lifted off my shoulders. And out of the blue, my parents, really my father, just started on me. Out of nowhere he starts to say, It’s time for you to stop fucking around and get your life together. And I’m like okaaay where is this going?
“But then he keeps going, basically saying how since I left for college, I’ve been making mistake after mistake after mistake and I can’t afford any more mistakes because I got EJ now. So now we’re going back and forth, because he’s trying to tell me how I need to stop playing around and grow up. And I’m like, what the fuck do you think I’ve been doing for the last seven or eight years since I left home, playing video games or some shit?
“So now we’re yelling at each other and AJ is trying to calm it down but I’m pissed now because he just ruined my good mood with this bullshit. And I’m yelling and cursing at my old man, basically tell him that it’s my life, and it’s mine to fuck up if that’s what I’m going to do. And then he hits me with it: He says, You’re such a fucking disappointment. I must have been a shitty father because you haven’t learned shit about shit. Jack, I’ll never forget that shit, him calling me a disappointment.
“So I pulled a Jack…” Ethan squeezed his leg making him laugh. “I said, ‘fuck aaaaaaallll of you,’ and walked out. Got in my car and started driving north. I had already decided that I wasn’t staying in Connecticut, that state gave me nothing but problems and heartaches. I had an ex-boyfriend in Bridgeport, an ex-boyfriend at UConn and an ex-wife in Hartford; there was no way I was staying in Connecticut. So now’s the best time as any to start looking for my own place.
“That was November 28 when I jumped in my car. So I drove and I kept driving until I ended up in a little town called Island Falls, Maine, like eight hours away from all of it. I looked over the Mattawamkeag Lake-”
“The what?” Jack asked.
Ethan said slowly, “Mat-ta-wam-ke-ag. A beautiful river that ends in a lake surrounded by pine trees. And I thought, this is it. This is where I would raise my son. I stayed there in a cabin for the next three days, cold as shit, but it quiet. And it was going to be mine and EJ’s. I didn’t answer the phone for anyone except for AJ, he was the only one who knew where I was. It’s not like my dad called his disappointment of a son anyway.
“Then on day four, December 2, AJ said Ma was calling the Feds if I don’t start making my way back home. So I started slowly making my way back, stopped at a bunch of small towns, spend some nights at a couple of small hotels and B&B’s. That’s what gave me the idea to own one, you know, a nice quiet life.
“Anyway by the 6th that ice storm hit and I was driving through snow and sleet and I was just about two hours from home but I couldn’t see shit, and I was in no rush to get home anyway. So I put on my GPS and found the closest place to sleep and it was McKinley’s Inn. So I stopped there and it was like one other person in the entire motel and McKinley at the front desk. But he warmed up some clam chowder and we got to talking. He’s a really nice guy I’m sure you know, has a wise old grandfatherly way about him.
“Anyway we got to talking and I found myself opening up to him, told him about the fight I had with my dad. And he says this to me: When a father berates his son about how he’s ashamed or disappointed in him, what he’s really saying is that is ashamed and disappointed in himself. Because when you’re kid does well, it makes you feel like all this parenting shit is worth it. But when they’re fucking up, it’s like damn, where did I go wrong?
“So basically he said, what my dad said was less about me and more about him. And it’s not my job to help him figure that shit out, his insecurities about being a parent, it’s my job to be a functioning, responsible adult. And then he says, But parenting is hard, and I will learn that soon with my own son. He raised three girls and he always made mistakes with them. He was estranged with the oldest for a long time and she recently reached back out to him, they have been building their relationship for the last year.
“He said, ‘Parenting is hard, and no matter how old they are, you will always feel like they are your responsibility to raise up right. And when they are hurting, or making mistakes you feel helpless to do anything about it. And it’s the worse feeling in the world to know you can’t make life better for them. So it’s ok to throw your parents a bone every now and then. Let them know they are doing alright, the way they are raising you up.’ I thought, wow, he’s a really cool and insightful guy. A little quirky though, he left the inn in the middle of the night and didn’t come back until sunrise-”
Jack interjected, “That’s because he was sleeping with Mrs. Mullens.”
Ethan’s eyes grew wide. “Get the fuck outta here!”
Jack laughed. “It was one of those well known secrets that no one talked about. When Mrs. McKinley died, Mrs. Mullens would bring him food and help out with his last daughter Amanda who was still in the home, and do things around Inn. Her husband died like ten years earlier so she knew how it felt to lose a spouse. I know because Amanda and I were in the same year, and she complained about her always being around. When Amanda went away to Sarah Lawrence for college, he started going to her place for dinner, coming back to the Inn in the early morning hours. It was obvious.”
Ethan said, “Wow. Okaaaay. Well, anyway, so he told me all that and made me think about my dad and our relationship, and how we’ve always been close, so I could see how he would feel responsible for the things that I’ve done. On the other side McKinley was telling me how his daughter Lauren, the oldest one, has been telling him to sell the Inn already and move down to Florida, that it’s better for his arthritis.
“But he said the only thing keeping him here was he had no buyers. ‘Who wants to move to Small Town USA and run an Inn,’ he said? Which noooooow I know it wasn’t the only thing keeping him here, WOW!” Jack laughed as Ethan continued.
“So anyway, all of these things were in my head as I spent the night in the Inn: the fact that I wanted to start over, the fact that my dad wanted to see me be responsible and I wanted to prove myself responsible for him, the fact that I wanted EJ to be safe and happy, and the fact that McKinley needed a buyer and I was just sitting on a shit load of money that I’ve made in the last five years making almost half of a mil annually.
“At sunrise I took a walk around, actually walked to the orchard and thought it was beautiful, made me think of painting it one day.” He smiled at Jack who smiled back.
“I came back and gave him a cash offer. I thought he was going to negotiate with me but he said, ‘Deal. I’m going to call my daughter right now, tell her I will be there by Christmas.’ I went home and found my dad there, my mom had took EJ out. I didn’t expect him to be the first face I saw, but it was. He looked at me and said, ‘All I’ve ever wanted for you and AJ was to be better than me.’ So I said, ‘And all I ever wanted was to be just like my dad. To measure up to the man he is. Because there is no greater example in the world of how to be a man, a husband and a father than you.’
“And Jack, I’ve never seen my dad cry, not even when his dad died did he cry, at least not in front of us, but my father just started crying in front of me. Now we’re both crying and hugging. I told him about the Inn and he took the ride with me the following week to do the inspection, go over the details with McKinley and sign the initial paperwork. Told me it was a good investment, but it will be a lot of hard work. And he told me that he’s proud of me.”
Ethan ended with, “So anyway, that’s how I ended up in Rockville. Cool huh?” He smiled at Jack again who smiled shook his head.
“Yea. Cool,” Jack said, knowingly. He was quiet for a moment, then said, “I’ve always seen my Uncle Henry as my dad. I thought it was obvious. Just because I didn’t call him dad doesn’t mean he wasn’t. The only reason I didn’t call him dad all this time is because he didn’t adopt me.”
“Because you told him not to,” Ethan reminded him.
“But only because…” he trailed off.
“Because you felt a sense of loyalty to your first dad,” Ethan said, “I get it. But he didn’t know that. So he might have just thought, you didn’t want to be his son. That wasn’t going to stop him actually making you his son, he was going to take care of you and raise you up as if you were, but maybe it’s always been in the back of his head. I don’t know. It kind of sounds like it.”
“So how do I make it right?” Jack asked him. “How do I show him that I do love him and have always thought of him as my dad? And me not telling him was obviously because one, I didn’t want him to stop me and two, I didn’t want him to be mad or disappointed in the choices I made?”
“I don’t know Jack. Talk to him obviously, just you and him, man to man. But maybe some action. Go big or go home right?” Ethan smiled.
Jack smiled too. “Right.” Then said, “Man I really fucked up relationships with this whole thing didn’t I? I lost you. And EJ. Lost my dad. Lost my commitment to the church.”
Ethan said quietly, “You didn’t lose me at all. Never.”
They were both quiet for a moment. Then Jack held out his hand face up on the center glove compartment, and Ethan put his hand down to hold his. He kissed Ethan’s hand and asked, “So where are we going?”
“We’ll drive until you tell me turn around.”
“And if I don’t?”
“Well Nova Scotia it is! We’ll have EJ mailed to us.” Jack laughed. Then Ethan said, “Seriously though, what is up with your family and big reveals on Christmas Eve? Can we just get one Frazier Christmas Eve dinner without a screaming match? Sheesh!”
~~~~~
The talked about random things and listen to music as they drove for the next couple of hours. When they got to Bangor, Maine, Ethan turned off the highway to take the local roads, said, “Let’s see some Christmas lights.” They drove through the local streets and ended up in a small town outside of Bangor. There were a group of people walking and Ethan said, “I wonder where they are going? Caroling maybe?”
“They are going to church. Midnight Mass.” Jack pointed at the time, it was 12:02am.
“Where our asses should be right now,” Ethan said and laughed.
“Actually, can we go? I know God’s upset with me right now but I still like to be in the house.”
“God’s not upset with you, you just feel remorse for what you did,” Ethan said.
“See that’s the thing E. I don’t,” Jack said. “Not one bit. They deserved to die for what they did, not just to my family but countless others. They belong in hell. I just helped send them there.”
“Sure they did, but that doesn’t take the emotion out of it for you. You have to face those feelings around it, then you will feel free to take communion again. Since you did confession the only thing holding you back is you.”
Jack shifted away from Ethan. “Well…technically….I …..didn’t.”
Ethan’s eyes went wide for the second time that night. “What?? That’s what June told me, before you came to see me you were with Father O’Donnell.”
“Yes, I was. We all went to see him that morning to do confession and get absolution. June went first into the confessional because she really wanted to see Liam, and obviously taking a life affected her way more than it affected me. Then Mina. Then Henrietta. When they all left, he waited for me, but then came out and sat next to me in the pew. And we talked. See Father knew what I was going to do, I told him many years ago, asked for absolution in advance, which obviously he couldn’t give me for a crime I didn’t commit.
“The day I left, before I went to see you, I went to see him and told him. He gave me a blessing and sent me on my way, told him to come back to me for absolution. But I just couldn’t bring myself to ask for it afterwards, because I felt no remorse or regret for what I had done. He just said when I was ready, let him know. And I don’t know if I ever will be.”
“Um…buddy, I’m going to need you not to damn your soul to hell for all eternity just because you can’t find an ounce of guilt for committing actual murder,” said Ethan.
“Not hell. Purgatory maybe. I got enough people praying for me.” Jack smiled.
“You really are a grade A dumb ass,” Ethan said as he turned into the parking lot of the nearby Catholic Church and Jack laughed.
They went in and sat in the back pew, as it was mostly full. When communion time came Ethan got up, as he started taking communion again last year, and Jack did not. Ironically, the homily was about forgiveness of sins, forgiving others as God has forgiven us.
Then the priest said, “Forgiveness at the end of it all, is really a reflection of our relationship with God. We forgive and ask for forgiveness not just because we want the person’s acknowledgment, but we want God’s recognition as well.”
At the end of the service, Jack said, “I want to meet the Priest.” They waited until most parishioners filtered out and then Jack went up to introduce himself to Father McLaughlin.
Jack told him, “I appreciated the message of forgiveness. But I have one question, what if you can’t find it in your heart to forgive the person or persons who wronged you? What if you don’t want their forgiveness for what you have done in return, because what they have done is so terrible, it grieves God himself?”
The Priest looked at him intently. “Forgiveness is also about how you see God in your life. Do you not expect God to forgive you for the terrible things you have done, wrongs you have committed?”
“I do. I would want that very much. But I know He won’t. Because I won’t. So we’re at a stalemate, God and I.”
Father McLaughlin said, “Do you want to talk some more privately, son?”
Jack thought for a moment. “Yes. I would like to.”
Ethan said, “Can you do it in a confession booth thought?” Jack glared at him. Ethan threw his palms up and said, “I’m just saying. It’s a good a place as any to have the type of conversation you want to have. An honest one. That can’t be held against you in a court of law.” Ethan gave him a knowing look.
Jack turned back to the Priest. “Do you have time for a confessional tonight?”
~~~~~
Jack and Ethan waited in the back until the Church was empty, then Father McLaughlin ushered him into the confessional booth. Jack started, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been four months and 21 days since my last confession.”
The priest laughed. “Oh you’re a regular aren’t you?”
Jack smiled. “It’s kind of my thing.”
“But it hasn’t been your thing for a while. Why is that?” the Father asked.
Jack hesitated. Then said, “I avenged the death of my father and mother. I took a life. I took two lives actually. And watched a third die. And I feel no guilt or remorse for what I have done. Two were evil people who took pleasure in their deaths. The other had guilt for his part in it, but did nothing about it, nothing to stop it from happening, nothing afterwards to make it right. They deserved to die, all of them.”
The priest was quiet for a moment, then asked, “So are you looking for absolution? Or are you waiting for a sign from God to tell you what you did was right?”
Jack was stunned. “I…don’t know. Aren’t I supposed to be looking for absolution here?”
“Yes if you feel you did something wrong,” the Father said. “But it doesn’t sound like you feel like you did. So what exactly do you want to be absolved from?”
Jack was thoughtful. “I don’t know. I don’t feel like I did anything wrong but I do feel like God is mad at me.”
Father said, “Or maybe you are mad at yourself for not letting Him handle things? Maybe the guilt isn’t in the actual act, but how you discarded your relationship with God and went ahead anyway. Vengeance is mine, said the Lord. I will repay. But you repaid it instead. And I’m going to assume you didn’t get a direct message from Jesus himself to go ahead and take a couple of lives. So you took the role of God in your decision. Is that fair to say?”
Jack was quiet. Then said, “They deserved to die. They raped and killed my mother. They beat, sodomized and killed my father. They wanted to kill me at six years old and my baby sister at two. They were going to dismember a two year old. They deserved to die.” The priest let a few moments pass, before he spoke.
“I don’t deny that to be the truth. And it is probably the case that they died exactly the way they were ordained by God to die, by your hands, as God knows and sees all. They have committed great sins. But that doesn’t change the sins you have committed as well. You had a trusting relationship with God it sounds like. But you broke that trust first by breaking his commandment, Thou Shall Not Kill. So in your contriteness, maybe you should start by asking forgiveness of Him, and repair that relationship first.”
Jack sat back quietly for a long time and the priest allowed him to. Then he said, “I’m sorry for sinning against God who is all good, for disobeying a direct commandment, and I vow to never commit that same sin again for as long as I walk the earth.”
Father McLaughlin asked, “Do you know the Act of Contrition?”
Jack clasped his hands and recited, “Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of hell. But most of all because they have offended Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to confess my sins, to do penance, and to amend my life. Amen.”
Father McLaughlin smiled. “Not many people know it by heart and can recite it. You take your faith seriously.” Jack didn’t answer. Then the Priest said, “I absolve thee from thy sins in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Go and sin no more.”
Jack said, “Thank you Father. I promise, I won’t.” Jack left the confessional and smiled at Ethan, who smiled back.
When the Priest came out of his side, Ethan asked, “Hey Father, do you have any more juice and crackers laying around?”
~~~~~
When they got back in the car, Jack kissed Ethan passionately. Ethan said, “I love you too Jackie Bear.”
“Ready to go home now?” Jack asked.
“Not just yet. Let me take you someplace,” Ethan said. They got back on I-95 and drove north. After a little over an hour Ethan came off I-95 and turned into an even smaller town than where they came from. It was almost 3am. They stopped at a diner and ordered burgers and fries as they were both hungry. Then Ethan drove through a wooded area and stopped at a lake, reversed the car around so the back end of the car was facing it. They got out the car and walked closer.
“Meet Mattawamkeag Lake,” Ethan said. “Where if I hadn’t been for an ice storm I would be living right now. And would have never met you.”
“So are we celebrating this place or damming it?” Jack asked.
Ethan laughed. “I just wanted you to experience it. At sunrise.”
Ethan opened up the back and side doors, and pulled down the back seats to where they lay down flat. Then he pulled the twin size blanket he keeps in there for EJ on long drives, and spread it out.
“That’s not going to keep us warm,” Jack said.
Ethan closed the side doors, said, “Guess we have to keep each other warm.” Then he got in the back, laid down and looked at Jack. Jack smiled, then got in, pulling the hatch door down with him.
The car was still warm. They laid on their sides looking at each other. “Are you tired?” Ethan asked.
“Yes,” Jack said. “But I don’t want to sleep just yet.”
Ethan moved closer so that they were nose to nose. He kissed his nose and whispered, “Tell me what you want.”
Jack whispered back, “I want to ride you.”
Ethan’s dick automatically sprang up. He reached over through Jack’s open coat and touched his penis, which was also at full attention. He started rubbing Jack through is pants and Jack did the same to him. They were still nose to nose, looking at each other. Then Jack sat up, took off his coat, moved Ethan’s coat out of the way and mounted him, fully clothed. Ethan laughed a bit, grabbed Jack’s hips as he gyrated and rocked on his boner.
Jack groaned and said, “Uuuuugh it’s too fucking cold to take off our clothes.”
“Let me turn the car back on, make it warmer,” Ethan decided.
Jack moved off him and Ethan crawled over to the front and turned on the ignition, then put the heat on full blast. He pulled the small bottle of baby oil out of the center glove compartment that they keep there on emergencies such as tonight. Jack started taking off his bottom half clothes as Ethan started doing the same.
Then Ethan put a lot of oil on his hands and started stoking his cock. “Come here, Jackie Bear.”
Jack crawled over to Ethan in the car and he lightly fingered and oiled Jack’s hole. Jack positioned himself to where the tip of Ethan was right at the opening of his hole, then he took both arms and wrapped them around Ethan’s neck, leaned over and they kissed. As their tongues found their familiar dance, Jack very slowly lowered himself onto Ethan, moaning in his mouth. They kissed the whole time until Jack was all the way down sitting in Ethan’s lap.
Ethan put his hands on Jack’s waist and reminded him, “Breathe through it.” Jack nodded.
Ethan leaned a bit back to where he was laying at an angle and Jack put his hands on Ethan’s shoulders. He began to move back and forth as Ethan guided him, moaned and moved with him, slowly at first, then much faster hitting his prostate over and over again until he felt the first small waves of his orgasm, then slowed all the way down, only to start back up again.
Jack did this two more times but on the third time he moaned, “I gotta cum, I gotta cum,” and reached for his own penis but Ethan moved his hand away and grabbed his waist to stop him from moving, said again, “Breathe through it.” Instead they stopped moving and kissed. Between the heat of the car and the heat rising in their bodies, they were both sweating by this point.
Jack’s penis was dripping pre-cum all over Ethan’s shirt. He moaned, “It’s tooooo fucking hoootttt.” Ethan took off Jack’s shirt, then his own, careful not to touch Jack’s hard throbbing dick between them. They began to move again, Jack grinding against him, Ethan’s dick filling Jack’s rectum completely.
Ethan could feel Jack squeezing his perineum from the inside, then release, then squeeze, then release as Jack moaned and tried to breathe through the beginning waves of his orgasm, slowing it down to prepare for the tidal wave he was going for. They have been practicing Jack prolonging and extending his orgasm without ejaculating for a couple of months, with Jack getting better at it every time.
He said to Jack, “You ready?”
Jack said, “No, but yes.” They laughed.
Ethan’s hands moved further down Jack’s waist to the bottom of his ass cheeks, held him tight. He lifted Jack up and down slowly at first, ultimately lifting Jack up to the head of his dick and slamming him all the way back down over and over. But then he began to move faster and faster, lifting Jack up and slamming him down, then just holding Jack up and thrusting up from below, grunting with every thrust, “uugh..uugh..uugh…”
Jack held on to Ethan’s shoulders and cried, “hoooooo fuck yea…fuck yea… hoooooo…. hooooooo… fuck yea……” Ethan and Jack was moaning and grunting, the entire car shaking with their movements.
Jack felt the first wave of his orgasm, breathed through it with a “hooooooooooooo” and let it wash over him, precum leaking out of him; and it felt like a high he’s never felt before, like the sun coming out after a long rainy night: warm and fantastic. He breathed through the second, then the third, but by the fourth, fifth and sixth climactic wave that came right behind each other so intensely it started bringing tears to his eyes and he started shaking.
He hollered, “fuuuuuuuuuuuck I’m cuh cuh cuh cuh-” and translucent cum shot out of him first, then the white thick cum exploded from his untouched penis, coating Ethan’s bare chest. The intensity of Jack’s squeeze around Ethan’s dick coupled with the feel of his hot cum on him sent Ethan over the edge as well, and he forgot he was also supposed to be delaying his own ejaculation.
He came with a growl, bucking upward and emptying out his Irish cream right on Jack’s prostate and giving Jack a few more waves of orgasmic euphoria. They both continued to moan as they slowed down their bodies, then Ethan slapped both of Jack’s butt cheeks and said, “Fuck, that was amazing! Fuck, I love you! Fuck, I love us!”
Jack laughed, still slightly trembling as Ethan pulled him in for a passionate kiss before Jack could catch his breath. They put back on their clothes and bundled up before Ethan turned off the car again. Ethan’s peacoat was left open so Jack could snuggle into his chest as they laid on their sides, arms over each other.
As Jack was quickly falling asleep, Ethan said, “I bend over backwards to show you I love you, for no other reason than I want you to know that I love you. I do it willingly, unconditionally, wholeheartedly. Because you have my whole heart.”
Jack said sleepily, “You had mine even before we first kissed, you know.” Ethan smiled, his whole body warm from Jack’s admission, and fell asleep as well.
Jack woke up about three hours later feeling cold. Ethan was not lying next to him. The sky was light and the first rays of sun were coming up. Before he could find his phone to call him, the back passenger door opened and Ethan came in with two cups of coffee.
“Merry Christmas.” he said. He handed one to Jack and sat next to him. He said, “Watch the pine trees from the east, then the lake.”
They watched the sun come up in silence through the pine trees, then sun rays filter through the trees onto the lake that was more water than ice, while sipping their coffee. When the sun was completely up, Jack said, “That really was beautiful. It’s like the perfect spot.”
“For a honeymoon maybe?” Ethan asked.
Jack laughed a little. “I guess. I was thinking of camping but yea, that too.”
Ethan let a moment pass, then said, “When you asked me to marry you, did you actually want to get married or were you just trying to get my attention?”
Jack thought about it and said, “Maybe a little of both. Maybe more getting your attention then actually getting married. Like…60/40?”
Ethan let another moment pass, then said, “Well. If you did actually want to get married….then we should get married.”
Jack paused mid-sip. He swallowed. Then looked at him. They stared at each other for a couple of seconds, then Ethan said, “Massachusetts and Vermont are marrying us gays left and right since Obama took office. Want to get married, Jackie Bear?”
They stared at each other another couple of seconds as Jack could not find his voice. Then he nodded, yes.
Ethan smiled and said, “Okay.”
Ethan turned back to the view and continued to sip coffee, leaving Jack to stare at the side of his face, still at a lost for words. He said, “If we hit the road now, we should be home by 11am, give or take a few minutes. You’re driving.”
He turned back to Jack who was still sitting there looking at Ethan, shocked at what just happened. He found his voice and said, “Just like that, huh?”
And Ethan laughed. “Yea. Just like that.”
~~~~~~
Jack insisted that they could not show up empty handed on Christmas morning, they needed to bring EJ something. Ethan reminded him that this was indeed Christmas morning and that almost no shops were open. As they headed through Providence, about 30 minutes from home, Jack got off the highway saying, “Something is open.” Most shops were closed but they did see a local pet shop.
“Well just get something small,” Jack insisted. But he immediately gravitated toward a dog. “It’s a Jack Russell Terrier. Jack. Russell. JR initials. Hello!?”
But Ethan put his foot down. “Nope, I’m not taking care of a dog and a kid and you.”
They agreed on a female calico cat, still young enough to play but old enough to be litter trained and sprayed. Jack also picked up something else; he asked the manager for the cup on his desk that said “World’s Greatest Dad” on it.
When they walked in, EJ immediately ran to his dad. Ethan showed EJ the cat in a pet holder who beamed, “It’s a cat! Is it mine?”
“Yes,” he father told him.
EJ exclaimed, “Yay! I got a cat I got a cat I got a cat I got a cat!” He ran back toward the living room forgetting to actually take the cat with him.
June turned to Jack said, “We let EJ open up a few of his presents to distract him, but he was really missing you guys.” She hugged him. “Are you ok?”
Jack said, “I’m better than ok. I feel amazing right now. Where’s my dad?”
June smiled and said, “We’re all in the living room.” Henry stood up as Jack came over to him.
Jack greeted him with, “I think the clearest indication of me knowing in my heart of hearts that you are my dad, is the fact that I didn’t come to you, or tell you. Because I knew if I did, you would try to fix it, or help me, or change my path. Because that’s what a good dad does. And more importantly, you would have called me dumb ass for even considering it, and probably chained me up in the basement, to ensure I couldn’t go. Because that’s what a great dad does. And you are the greatest dad a kid could have ever ask for.”
Jack handed him the cup and smiled a goofy smile. “Don’t ever doubt our relationship for a second. I’m your son. You’re my dad. I’m a Frazier through and through. And I’m going to make it official next year, and change my last name to Frazier. So my future kids can be Fraziers too.”
Henry took the cup and smiled. He pulled Jack into a tight hug, kissed his cheeks. They hugged for a bit until Jack whispered, “I’m so sorry I worried you and put us all in danger. You were right. I am a dumb ass.”
Henry nodded. “But you’re my dumb ass son, so I’ll take some of the blame for it.” Then laughed, making Jack laugh as well.
Ethan called his parents and told them of the change of plans. “I know we were supposed to be there today but can we come first thing in the morning instead?” Alan said it was fine but Suzanne was upset, as they did not get to see EJ on Christmas last year either because they were in California.
“Can’t you drive later on tonight?” she asked.
“Ma, whether I drive late tonight or early first thing in the morning, you still won’t spend time with EJ because he’s going to be sleep by the time we get there. So let’s just wait until the morning. First light we’re on the road.” She reluctantly agreed, especially after he said, “and I have some important news to share with everyone.”
Mina heard the tail end of Ethan’s conversation as he hung up. She asked, “What’s the important news?”
Henrietta, who came over with Brayden in the afternoon said, “Who has news?”
Ethan hesitated and looked at Jack who was playing on the living room floor with EJ, the cat who EJ named Catty, and a string. Jack looked up and smiled widely at him, then looked back down and kept playing with EJ and Catty.
Ethan announced, “We’re getting married.”
No one spoke. Marie then said, “Is that joke? Are you serious?”
“I don’t joke about marriage Ma Marie, either to do it or to leave it,” Ethan said factually. “I asked, he said yes. So we’re getting married.”
Jack, still smiling, could not lift his face up but it didn’t matter because all three of his sisters crash landed on him in the middle of the living room floor shrieking and hugging him.