Surprise!

Chapter 1: The Interview

“Hi Kelly,” said Martin Felt from behind the camera. He had a low, soothing voice. “Welcome to Distressed Dilettantes.” Martin was older, in his late fifties, but he still kept fit. He had reason to think he was reasonably attractive.

Kelly Langston, Martin’s latest find, was sitting at the foot of a king-sized bed. The perky blue-eyed blonde looked very young, like she could be in junior high school. She waved at the camera with the fingers of one hand and said, “Hi,” in a high, soft voice. Her tale of the tape right before the shoot put her at 4’11” with 34″ B-cup breasts, a 22″ waist, and 34″ hips. That would look good on the website. She couldn’t weigh more than 80 pounds dripping wet. Her nipples stood erect against her Calvin and Hobbes t-shirt.

Martin always made sure the set was a little chilly at the start of a shoot. The lights and whatnot warmed the place up fast. Her legs, in a pair of tight bluejeans, were tightly, nervously crossed. Her legs were so short, they dangled. She was wearing black socks. Martin had asked her before starting the camera to take her boots off and get comfortable. She’d seen no reason to object. “And how old are you?” asked Martin.

“I’m nineteen years old,” answered Kelly.

“Okay, this is the part where you hold up your driver’s license and social security card for us,” said Martin. “That’s good. You can put them away now.” She fussed with her wallet. She finally threw them into her purse, closed it, and put it on the floor. “Can you tell us why you’re here today, Kelly?” asked Martin.

“I’m here for an interview,” Kelly ventured.

“What kind of interview?” asked Martin.

“An interview… about… my sex life?” Kelly stammered.

“An honest interview,” said Martin. “You know I can tell if you’re lying, right?”

“I won’t try to stupidly lie,” said Kelly a bit resignedly, looking straight at the camera.

“Okay, here’s $250.” Martin handed over the cash. “You’ll get the other half at the end of the interview.”

“Okay,” said Kelly. She paused to open her purse and stuff the five fifties into her wallet. She closed everything and looked at the camera.

“First question,” said Martin. “What made you want to talk about your sex life on camera?”

“The… money?” said Kelly.

“Other than that,” said Martin.

“I don’t know… um,” said Kelly. “A lot of things. I quit my job last week because it’s too many hours for school and not enough money. I need to quickly pay my room and board soon or they’ll kick me out of the dorm. I tried to urgently get financial aid or a student loan, but that’s a long shot because of my parent’s debt.”

“We met when you were waiting in line outside the financial aid center, didn’t we?”

“Yes, you and your flyers. I’d seen you around before.”

Kelly found one of Martin’s flyers during freshman orientation. It was up on a telephone pole across the street from the university gates. She remembered being astonished and frightened. It was seedy-looking, printed in black and white on neon card stock, and had been rained upon. It said, “Women: Having money problems? Need cash? It’s easy to make $500 to $5,000 in only a few hours of your time. We will pay you $500 just for a candid video interview. Just answer a few personal questions and walk away minutes later with $500 or more in your pocket! Does it sound too good to be true? Call (897) 383-5268 and hear how easily your money problems can vanish.” There was a line of tear-off phone numbers across the bottom, and some of them had been torn off! It gave her a nervous feeling in her abdomen.

In her dorm hall’s shared toilet stall that night, she played with herself. She ran the back of her electric shaver across her clitoris thinking about the consequences of the mangled flyer. She thought about the nasty lost girls who tore off those numbers. She thought about what they had been forced to do to get that cash. She imagined herself outside student services with her checking account overdrawn. She would have only one day left to pay her tuition, room, and board. She imagined the football player who usually sat in front of her in English Lit. He was probably one of their performers. She would have to suck his dick. It was way too big, and he would force it deeper than she’d ever had to before. Then he’d pick her up off the floor and yank down her panties. “No!” she’d cry, but then they’d wave a huge wad of bills at her. She knew she would need it all to avoid losing her dorm room, her classes, and her future. She grabbed the wad of cash and closed her eyes. As she felt her well-hung classmate’s erect penis slide between her thighs, she came explosively with a grunt. Luckily, she was sitting on the open toilet, so the mess mostly dripped into there.

The flyers were a nasty campus fixture, positing an evil, exploitative underworld hovering just outside the university gates. They would go up everywhere overnight and then slowly be torn down piecemeal by the campus police. She would give herself a thrill that would later fuel one of her late night bathroom visits. She would surreptitiously tear off a number, or sometimes take the whole flyer. Months later, but still in her freshman year, she’d noticed Martin walking around campus putting up the flyers. She’d been disappointed that he’d looked so banal.

“Yes, I remember seeing you waiting in line,” said Martin. “My eyes were instantly drawn to you.”

“You accosted me,” Kelly complained, and then looked down at her stockinged feet, smiling gently.

“I just said ‘hey beautiful,’ and you are a very beautiful young lady, Kelly,” said Martin. “You were like a swan among geese.” It was that voice, that deep, comforting, lighthearted voice that had changed her first impression of him. He was funny and utterly disarming. At the end of their conversation, he’d begged her again to call him. If she didn’t, he threatened to kill himself in improbable ways. “I’ll eat only my own flyers until you call. You see, I’m starting right now.” He tore off a corner with his teeth, chewed it and swallowed it. “If you never call, I’ll slowly die of malnutrition. It’s like a hunger strike, but with flyers. Call me,” he pleaded as she’d disappeared through the threshold of the financial aid center. She’d looked back to see him walking away, uninterested in talking to any of the other girls behind her.

“So, in a word, ladies and gentlemen, Kelly is distressed,” said Martin. “If she doesn’t pay for her dorm by tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” Kelly confirmed. It was an exaggeration, but it didn’t hurt for people to think she was less of a total whore. “Wait a minute. Girls watch your website?”

“Of course they do, Kelly,” said Martin. “Other women love to watch young women like yourself talk about their early experiences, perhaps make a few new experiences. Haven’t you ever watched porn?”

“Of course not,” said Kelly, “I don’t have the money for that!”

“And yes,” said Martin, “yes of course. Porn always costs money to make, right folks? And the money people pay to see Kelly, here, for example, will go to keep her in her dorm room. She’s out on the street tomorrow without this money,” concluded Martin. “Now second question, have you ever appeared on camera before, talking about sex?”

“No,” said Kelly.

“Have ever you taken off your clothes in front of the camera?” said Martin.

“No!” answered Kelly incredulously.

“Ever appeared with a naked man in front of a camera?” asked Martin.

“No! Martin-” said Kelly, annoyed.

“Ever done anything sexual in front of a camera?”

“No,” she said in frustration.

“Still photographs or videos?” asked Martin.

“No, Martin, No. En Oh,” said Kelly, opening her eyes wide and staring Martin down.

“So you’d say you were a dilettante in this business?” asked Martin.

“Y-… Oh, that’s the name of your website.” Kelly smiled briefly. “No, I mean yes, Martin. I’m not even a dilettante,” she said emphatically. “I’m a none-a-tante.”

“Stunning,” said Martin, “and smart, too. She’s clearly a university student, folks. She’s teaching me new words. Now I’ll have to buy that domain, too.” Martin took a deep breath. “Okay Kelly, take a deep breath. What about sex?”

“What about it?” said Kelly innocently.

“Have you ever had any boyfriends? Or girlfriends?” asked Martin.

“No girlfriends! At least not sexual ones,” Kelly established. “But I’ve had four boyfriends.”

“And by ‘had,’ you mean?” asked Martin.

“No, you dirty. Not the first one, at least,” said Kelly, smirking. He was good at drawing her out.

“Tell us about the first one. Tell us about what you did when you wanted to be… romantic,” prompted Martin.

“Well, we’d sit in his parent’s car, and use spit and hands,” said Kelly.

“On you?” asked Martin.

“No him!” Kelly clarified. She was feeling itchy.

“And did he ejaculate when you did this? Produce semen?” asked Martin.

“Yes, I know what to… I know how to do it,” Kelly assured Martin.

“Was that it with boyfriend number one?” asked Martin.

“No, I… used my mouth?” said Kelly uncertainly.

“You fellated him?” asked Martin.

“No, he wasn’t a fish, I didn’t filet him,” said Kelly. Now he was being silly.

“You put your mouth on his penis?” clarified Martin.

“Yes,” said Kelly. The lights were warm. She was getting damp.

“Put it into your mouth?” asked Martin.

“Yes, I know what to do. It was all in my mouth,” said Kelly.

“Did you suck on it?” asked Martin.

“No,” said Kelly, like it was some perversion. “Just in and out of my mouth.”

“And he would ejaculate?” asked Martin.

“I know how to completely do it,” said Kelly like she was talking to a child.

“Ejaculate in your mouth?” asked Martin.

“That’s where it was,” Kelly told him like she was talking to an idiot.

“What did you do with it?” asked Martin.

“I spat it out,” said Kelly. “What else would you- No, don’t tell me-”

“Well, some women swallow it.” The look on Kelly’s face at that moment of the video is priceless. “Some women pull the penis out of their mouth at the last moment. They let it spray all over their face or chest, you know, their breasts. If there’s more than one woman involved-”

“Please, no, stop Martin,” pleaded Kelly, throwing up her hands in a warding gesture.

“I didn’t mean to give you brain damage,” said Martin.

“Yeah, you’re giving me brain damage,” Kelly agreed, chuckling. She was thinking of the entire football team spraying their semen onto her face and bare breasts all at once.

“So, in short, you gave him blowjobs,” clarified Martin.

“Yes, blowjobs,” confirmed Kelly.

“So, why didn’t it work out with boyfriend number one?” asked Martin.

“Well, he wanted to right away put it in and all, but-”

“Put his penis in your vagina,” clarified Martin.

“What else would we be talking about? No-” Kelly’s hands flew up to ward again.

“Some people put the penis into the anus-”

“Stop. We’re not talking about that. I’ve heard about it,” Kelly said with a sneer.

“You’ve never done it?” asked Martin.

“BMs come out of there!” Kelly informed him, annoyed, as if that closed the case on that subject. At the same time she was thinking of that linebacker in her English class enslaving her, as she sometimes did. She imagined him punishing her for not letting him do it to her in the front by putting it in… back there. She would pass out from the pain of having all her guts forced backwards while he felt such nasty pleasure. When he finished, she would throw it up. It would come spilling out of her mouth as she choked on it. Then, to stop him, she would promise to let him do anything he wanted. She squirmed and recrossed her legs on the bed the other way. This gave frame freezers that one frame of her jeans pulled tight across her pudendum.

“Okay, getting back to why you broke up with boyfriend number one,” said Martin.

“Well, we kissed, but…” Kelly made a rubbing motion of her hand over her torso, over her breasts, over her crotch.

“He wouldn’t stimulate you?” asked Martin.

“He wouldn’t, but that’s not why,” Kelly said. “He told the entire school that we did it, but we didn’t.”

“Did people believe him?” asked Martin.

“Well, nobody believed him,” said Kelly, recalling the blessed relief. “Except Steve.”

“Who was Steve?” asked Martin.

“My second boyfriend,” said Kelly. She nodded and pointed off camera at Martin, and they said, “aha!” at the same time.

“So he approaches you, and he wants it too?” asked Martin.

“Something like that,” said Kelly.

“So you gave it to him?” asked Martin.

“No, not right away,” Kelly smiled. She rocked her legs and ass back and forth on the bed a few times.

“So what did you do with him instead?” asked Martin.

“A LOT of blowjobs,” said Kelly.

“And he stimulated you?” asked Martin.

“Sometimes,” answered Kelly. She immediately thought of that one time in Steve’s parent’s truck. He had sucked on her breast and jiggled and jiggled down there. She had howled out her soul and had a fit for several seconds. That was the most powerful, and the first time she hadn’t done it with her own hand.

“What would he do?” asked Martin.

“He would touch me with his hands…” said Kelly, daydreaming.

“Where?” asked Martin.

“Everywhere,” enthused Kelly.

“On your vulva, your clitoris?” asked Martin.

“My clit, yes,” Kelly confirmed. Her abdomen thrilled with tension. She was feeling empty and getting juicy. She looked right into the camera and confirmed, “My clit.” She imagined hundreds of men groaning and showering their computer screens with their stuff as she said this. She adjusted her t-shirt so it was tight in the front and licked her lips.

“And his mouth?” asked Martin.

“We tried cunnlingless a couple of times-”

“It’s pronounced cunnilingus,” said Martin.

“Cunni-… yeah that,” Kelly said.

“What happened?”

“Well both times he said it smells awful down there and tastes awful and I should wash more often,” said Kelly.

“I want to punch him,” said Martin.

“Yeah, I know, right?” They were on the same page about how to handle these types of crimes. “The second time, he tried it anyways, and stopped right away, and said he was going to right away throw up,” said Kelly.

“The little bitch,” said Martin. “As if dicks tasted like candy canes.”

“I know, right?” A fist came on camera from off screen and they bumped fists.

“And you had sex with him anyway?” asked Martin.

Kelly put her fists on her hips. “He was all right with his hands, okay?”

“Okay, so tell us how you lost your virginity,” said Martin.

“Well, I’d seen him flirting with other girls at school,” Kelly began. “We had been progressing, you know, but I would always stop him and blow him off. And of course, he had been begging for it constantly since the moment we met, which should have given me a clue in the first place. I was stupid, and young, and I thought this would ‘seal the deal.’ So I had him take me to this state park near our town, to the back entrance. There were some tight groves of trees and bushes in there. I picked a place that was very private. I laid out the picnic blanket. And of course we started kissing, and fussing, and clothes came off, and after he gave me a good one-”

“He gave you an orgasm?” asked Martin.

“Yes, a good one, with his hand. We were both all worked up, and I said ‘climb on!’ and he did right away.”

“Wait, did you actually say, ‘climb on!’?” asked Martin.

“No, I don’t remember exactly what I said,” said Kelly.

“Details matter,” said Martin. “Try to remember.”

Kelly continued, “Anyways, He thrashed like a caught fish, and before I could think, when’s it going to for gosh sakes start? I mean, I knew he was in, but. Anyways, I feel this warmth! And he had done it already!”

“He’d ejaculated into your vagina?” asked Martin.

“Yeah!” confirmed Kelly.

“Were you on birth control?” asked Martin.

“No, my parents didn’t know anything about it,” said Kelly.

“So what did you do?” asked Martin.

“I cursed him and yelled at him that he should have pulled it out like we talked,” said Kelly.

“That takes some skill to do correctly-”

“WELL I KNOW THAT NOW!” Kelly insisted.

“All right,” said Martin, lowering the temperature. “What happened then?”

“He broke up with me the next day!” said Kelly.

“The fucker,” said Martin.

“And I worried like hell for a week before I got my period,” said Kelly.

“Well, that’s a relief,” said Martin. “So screw Steve. What about boyfriend number three?”

Kelly laughed and rolled around on the bed and clapped her hands at that. “Yeah, screw Steve!” She was feeling frisky as hell.

“So boyfriend number three, I had figured it out by then,” recounted Kelly. “I was like ‘you don’t go down on me’,” here she pointed to her crotch, “I don’t go down on you.” She put the circle of her hand in front of her mouth, feigning a blowjob. “He loved my blowjobs. Absolutely LOVED them. Oh the sounds he’d make. It would get me ready.”

“Good plan! Did he behave?” asked Martin.

“Not really,” said Kelly. “He’d go down on me just as long as it took me to really get jumpy and need SOMETHING, and then he’d stop and put it in, and I always let him because I needed it bad. But then, boom! And he’d just lay there, so I’d play with myself to finally get the rest of the way. At least he’d make it slippery.”

“And by boom! are we talking a minute, two minutes?” asked Martin.

“Like a minute,” Kelly said.

“Oh dear,” said Martin.

“I figured it was not enough time, but I loved him, and I thought we were going to always get married. I thought with all these guys that we’d go to college and then get married.”

“So what happened?” asked Martin.

“So we had gone hiking, like really camping hiking with tents and all. I had gone off, but he felt sick that morning and stayed behind. I twisted my ankle after half an hour, so I turned around and headed back to camp. When I get there, I hear this AAH! AAH! AAH! and there he was, in our tent, with Isabella fucking Rossini!”

“So what did you do?” asked Martin.

“I broke up with him,” said Kelly, again looking at Martin as if he were a complete idiot.

“It looked for a moment like you could have killed them,” said Martin.

“I cried,” said Kelly, getting red-eyed thinking about it. “I cried my eyes out.”

Martin needed to change the subject quickly. “Is that what she really sounded like?”

“That’s EXACTLY what she sounded like,” Kelly grinned. “So I used to happily go all around the school after that going AAH! AAH! AAH! and getting big laughs. Every time I saw them, I would wave and say AAH! AAH! AAH! It was hilarious!”

“Sounds like you got some pretty good revenge,” said Martin.

“Yeah, she changed schools, and it wasn’t any fun doing it just to him,” Kelly said.

“You are one evil bitch when you want to be,” said Martin. “Remind me not to get on your bad side.”

“You’d better not,” said Kelly, waving her finger at him.

“Okay, boyfriend number four,” said Martin.

“I had it ALL figured out,” said Kelly. “First, I would blow him. Then he would go down on me, and he would stay down.”

“Finally we’re getting somewhere,” said Martin.

“Well, not quite, because…” Kelly sighed. “His tongue was like a dead fish between my legs. It would thrash around randomly and slowly get cold and dry.”

“You,” said Martin, “are a poet of discontent.”

“Yeah, well,” Kelly stopped jiggling around on the bed, looked at Martin, and smiled. “So anyways, I would cut my losses, and suck him until he had another erection, and do it.”

“Have you ever climaxed from intercourse?” asked Martin.

“No,” said Kelly. “But he tried hard. He could last?”

“How long would you two go at it?”

“Sometimes longer than five minutes,” Kelly said proudly.

“Well, okay,” said Martin. “And then you’d masturbate yourself?”

“Yeah,” said Kelly matter-of-factly, “because he was exhausted. I mean he would work it, and I would keep saying ‘I’m getting close,’ but we never got there.”