“I hate this,” I said to Louis as we stepped out of the swelteringly hot and incredibly loud club. The balcony we’d walked out onto was cooled by only a mild summer breeze, but after the oppressive warmth of inside it felt almost freezing – although the cold and silence was a relief. The door behind us swung shut, and the raucous noise cut off to a muted murmur. I took a deep breath of the fresh night air.
“I’m not sure that I see the appeal either.” Louis chuckled. He looked great again – gelled hair, nice shirt, no glasses. Seeing him on nights out like this, it was almost hard to believe he was the nerdy, quiet guy who was always showing up at our AP maths classes. He shrugged. “But Jess seems happy.”
He wasn’t wrong – she’d definitely seemed full of chaotic energy. She, Eric and Vince had started drinking earlier in the day without the rest of us, and by the time we’d all met up they were much further along the road to giggly and happy than anyone else. It hadn’t helped that almost the very instant we’d gotten to the club, Eric and Ellie had abandoned me to go dance.
At least I wasn’t alone in not wanting to flail about like an idiot on a crowded floor full of sweaty strangers. Louis, Sarah and John had stayed with me, although the happy couple had quickly settled down at a table to make out, so I was left talking to Louis – not that it had been easy to do that with the music making it impossible to hear each other.
“I just don’t get why people like clubbing so much.” I stepped up to the railing, looking down at the cars below.
Louis stepped up next to me. “Alcohol, drugs and sex, I’d think. Mostly, anyway.”
“Well, I don’t do any drugs, and I’m clearly not having sex with Eric tonight. Unless he drags me off to the bathroom.” I grinned as Louis blushed. “And because I’m driving you and Ellie home, I don’t get to drink, so I guess I’m doomed.”
“I guess so.” Louis laughed. “Thanks for that offer, by the way. With the test tomorrow, it’s nice to not have to risk waiting a long time for an Uber.”
“No problem. Your house is on the way, anyway.”
“Yeah…” He looked out at the street. “Maybe you’d like gay clubs more.”
I frowned. “Why?”
“Oh, I… I don’t know.” He turned to me, and shrugged. “Just a bunch of things. Hot bartenders. Guys dancing together. You can just be yourself there, without worrying, you know? Hold a guy’s hand. Or sit there and make-out, like John and Sara can here.”
“I guess I can see the appeal. Of the being yourself thing – like the hand-holding. Making out in front of everyone seems…”
“Gross, yeah. I agree. John’s disgusting.” He smiled broadly, and I laughed. “Oh, and the music is usually better too.”
“Well, anything’s got to be better than this crappy techno bullshit.”
He laughed. “Yeah…”
“Why does Jess even like this place?”
“Oh, I have no idea. Jess and I aren’t really close any more.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Oh, don’t be. It’s not like we were super close to start with, but stuff happened a little while ago, and I just get the sense she doesn’t like me now.” He cleared his throat. “But yeah, sorry. I shouldn’t bring up our drama. I don’t like gossiping anyway.”
“Okay.” I smiled. “Nice to know you guys have problems with each other, though. When I met you, you all seemed kind of… perfect.”
“Oh god.” He laughed. “I hope that’s just you being naive.”
“Maybe. Do you want me to change the topic?”
“Yes please. Did you have something in mind?”
“Yeah. A fun Lord of the Rings analysis I saw online.”
“Okay, awesome.” He tapped his fist rhythmically on the railing.
“Frodo learned all his elvish from books given to Bilbo, which were old and quite formal, apparently. But Legolas grew up as sort of a country-lord, interacting with the Silvan elves who had a more colloquial dialect. So Legolas’s elvish would have sounded really hickish, and Frodo’s would have been very fancy and formal.”
Louis leaned against me slightly and laughed. “That’s a fun thought.”
“Isn’t it just?”
“And Aragon gets to watch them interact and laugh at the hobbit sounding like a school teacher and the classy elf sounding like a farmer.” He smiled broadly. “Brilliant.”
I chuckled and turned my face out to the street, inhaling the somewhat fresh night air. “I always liked that scene in Two Towers, where Legolas and Aragon are arguing about the defence of helms deep, and Legolas says – in Elvish – that ‘they’re all going to die’ or something. Then Aragorn shouts back ‘Then I shall die as one of them!’, but in Westron.”
“Oh god. Terrible for morale.”
“Exactly.”
Other people came out of the door behind us, and made their way to the other side of the balcony. They sat down and started to smoke. We got a little quiet after that, and eventually he glanced at the door. “Should we head back, see what everyone’s up to? If Ellie wants to leave soon, I’m happy to go whenever.”
“Uh, yeah. Okay.” Getting out of there soon would be great, but Ellie actually liked dancing, so it would be difficult to persuade her to leave early if she was still having fun. But I couldn’t spend all night on the balcony with Louis – despite how much I preferred being able to breathe and talk to someone nice instead of feeling awkward for not dancing and being deafened by awful music.
We made our way back into the noise and the heat of the upper level, which only covered half the floor space, and was crowded with tables and chairs. From the railing at the far end, where Louis and I settled, you could look down onto the dancefloor on the lower level. Louis nudged me and pointed down to a section of the crowd, and I saw our friends dancing. They were all gathered around in a circle, moving to the rhythm – more or less.
Apart from Ellie, no one was doing anything particularly graceful. Melissa was a passable dancer, and she clearly had her attention on a reasonably attractive guy that was hanging around the group. Vince was objectively awful, flailing around, mostly just making everyone laugh.
It seemed like Eric and Jess were dancing with each other, while still pressed up against the group. Neither of them were particularly good, but they were clearly having a lot of fun. Watching Eric’s body move was captivating, even from a distance. I laughed when Jess leaned in and kissed him.
As the kiss dragged on, however, and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it, it got decidedly less funny. I looked at the rest of the group – Vince looked awkward, Ellie looked shocked and Melissa looked furious.
I watched the guy next to Mel stop dancing as he saw the look on her face, and he leaned over to shout something in her ear. She shook her head, and marched up to Eric and Jess and pulled them apart. She grabbed him forcefully, and shouted something in his ear, gesturing up to me.
He looked up and we locked eyes. It was mesmerising, and awful. It felt like we just sat there staring at each other for hours, even though it must have only been seconds. Then I turned my head to the side, seeing the pale and concerned face of Louis.
He leaned in to shout in my ear, “Are you okay?”
Was I okay? No. I shook my head and stood up, immediately heading back towards the door to the balcony. I gritted my teeth as I barged out onto the balcony, and set myself against the railing, staring absently out into the street.
“Jay, are you okay?” Louis asked, settling next to me at the railing.
“I think I want to go home now,” I said stiffly.
“Right, of course, okay. I’ll text Ellie.” He pulled out his phone. “I might stay and calm down Melissa. But don’t worry, I’ll get a lift home from her or an Uber.”
We sat there in silence for a while. I was just trying to figure out how I’d gone from not caring to being so mad. I realised with a start that when Eric had told me he was sort of into girls, I hadn’t really believed him. So when he’d told me he’d dated Jess, I guess I had just… assumed it hadn’t been anything serious.
But now it was all I could think about – their history, the way they acted around each other, how often they were alone together. Although my conscience knew it was wrong, I started to hate her.
Eric appeared at the door, with Ellie just behind him. She lingered in the doorway instead of following him as he stepped up to the railing to stand next to me.
“Hey.” He said, his hands in his pockets.
“I’m going to go… find Melissa.” Louis quickly pushed himself off the railing, and made for the door. He stopped to talk to Ellie on his way, and then went inside.
“So that was pretty funny, right?” Eric said, with a slightly forced looking smile.
“Not particularly.” I responded flatly.
“It was just a joke, Jay.”
“Yes, everyone looked really amused.”
“Jay.”
“Am I being unreasonable?” I snapped. “Is it weird that I’m upset you kissed your ex who’s also your best friend?”
“No, I get it,” he said. “But it wasn’t that big a deal.”
“I’m going home.” I didn’t wait for a response, I just immediately stormed through the door, and then made my way down the stairs and out of the club. Ellie followed in my wake, and soon it was just the two of us out on the street, heading towards where I’d parked. Eric hadn’t followed us.
“Are you okay?” she asked carefully.
“I don’t know.” Outside of the club and away from Eric and the noise, it was eventually creeping into my mind that the whole thing may have been a non-issue. If they’d both just seen it as a joke… “Am I overreacting?”
“I don’t think so. It’s still pretty messed up to kiss your ex, even if you don’t like girls.”
“He doesn’t… not like girls.”
“Oh.” She bit her lip. “Well, then that’s quite bad. Seriously?”
“Yeah, he said-” I stopped and tried to remember. “I don’t know. Something convoluted. He likes girls and guys, but romance with girls is easier and sex with guys is easier for him.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I don’t really know.” I shrugged. “I don’t know if I’m even saying it right.”
“Right,” she said. “Does that mean he’s bisexual?”
“He doesn’t like labels.”
“That sounds like a cop-out.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged, and we kept walking.
“Well, this is depressing. Our night can’t end like this. Not with the test tomorrow.” She bounced on her feet, and grabbed my arm. “Do you want to grab a hot chocolate on the way home?”
I laughed. “Yeah, that sounds great.”
By the time I had gotten home, I wasn’t really feeling better – although Ellie’s suggestion had helped a bit, at least. I’d had a new minor flare-up of anger for Eric, as I realised that he hadn’t exactly dealt with the situation well. Despite that, I went to bed feeling vaguely optimistic. Louis had kept me company, Melissa had stood up for me, and Ellie had been there to comfort me. I was sure things with Eric would work out, eventually. Until they did, for the first time in quite a while, I had friends.
***
The next morning, my resentment for my phone was already pretty high, due to the alarm I’d set to wake me up for AP maths. But when I picked it up, and saw that I’d gotten a message from Eric, it only intensified.
[I’m really, really sorry.]
The timestamp was 3AM, and I honestly didn’t feel like dealing with it immediately anyway. I had a morning to get on with, as unappealing as it was. It seemed much simpler to write a test, anyway, than trying to figure out if his apology was genuine or not. Even an AP maths test. He certainly hadn’t seemed sorry the night before, and I wasn’t sure what had brought on the change of heart.
I got showered and dressed, and set out to my car when Ellie messaged that she was also ready. We’d gotten to school very early that morning, so there were only a handful of people there. To my surprise, Louis was one of them.
“Hey guys.” Louis stifled a yawn as we greeted him. After a simple ‘Hi’, I wasn’t really sure what to say, but fortunately Ellie was in the mood to carry the conversation.
“You look pretty tired.” She said sympathetically.
“Yeah, my mom had to come through early for something, so I’ve been up since like 5.”
“What time did you leave the party?”
“Not long after you guys, actually.” He shifted awkwardly. “Things got a little uncomfortable.”
“Did anything happen?”
“Melissa… Well, you know Melissa. She’s kind of honest.” He shrugged. “She just told Eric and Jess what she thought of them. So that made things pretty weird. Then John and Sara took off, and it was only the five of us, which was even worse.”
“How is Eric?” I asked, unable to help myself. I could feel Ellie’s disapproval, but I didn’t care.
“He’s okay,” Louis said. “He left with us, and spent the night at Vince’s place.”
I just nodded. It seemed like Jess’s birthday party had gone downhill pretty quickly. I didn’t exactly feel sorry for her – Eric was obviously just as much to blame for the kiss as she was, but it’s not as if she hadn’t played her part. Besides, she’d never exactly been friendly to me, after that first night – although it was nothing I could put my finger on.
Before we could talk more about it, Mr. Farrier arrived and started handing out test papers. I hadn’t even gotten around to checking in with Angela, and I hadn’t prepared as well as I could have for this one. But at least it was short, and seemed to cover most of the things that I’d actually managed to look over. I finished early and settled outside to wait for Ellie. A few minutes later, Louis seemed to have finished as well. He came out of the class and leaned against the wall next to me, giving me a concerned look.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m pissed off, but I’m fine.”
He cleared his throat. “He’s… uh… tried to message you.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ll talk to him later.” I shrugged. “Maybe.”
“For what it’s worth, I think he knows what he did was fucked up and stupid. He’s kind of worried you hate him now.”
“Yeah…” I sighed. “I don’t hate him. I’m just upset.”
“That’s fair.”
“Sorry, I know this makes things awkward for you, since you’re his friend.”
“Hey, I’m your friend too.” He blushed slightly. “I just want both of you to be okay.”
“Thanks.” It kind of hit home the fact that this group of people – Melissa and Louis, and to a lesser extent Vince and John – were actually becoming close friends who cared about me.
Regardless of how Eric was acting, that part still felt kind of nice. Louis didn’t have to wait long for his mom to arrive, and then he had to leave. For a second, I thought he was going to hug me when he said goodbye, but he just gave an awkward wave and ran off. I waited for Ellie, who went on to spend the full hour and a half in the test. Once it was over, she came out of the class chatting with Jamie.
“Hey Jay.” Jamie winked at me.
I smiled at how that no longer sent my brain spinning trying to figure out what it meant. Progress, I guess. Or just finding a release for the annoying mix of romantic longings and raging hormones that were always teaming up to derail my mind. Either way, it was nice to be able to interact with him normally now. “Hey.”
“Jamie’s stranded here again,” Ellie said.
“I can give you a ride home. No problem.”
“Thanks man. That’d be great.” He grinned.
Ellie made a point of calling shotgun as we headed over to my car, claiming that the passenger seat was rightfully hers anyway, by rights of seniority. Jamie agreed, as if it would have made a difference if he hadn’t.
“What are you guys doing today?” Jamie asked.
“Absolutely nothing.” I was fairly sure ‘dragging a lengthy and meaningful apology out of my boyfriend’ wasn’t an appropriate response. Besides, I still hadn’t decided if I’d calmed down enough to listen to what Eric had to say.
“Same here.” Ellie said. “Why? Did you have something in mind?”
“Actually, yeah. Do you guys want to go to a movie or something?”
“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend?” Ellie asked.
“Uh,” Jamie grinned sheepishly. “We’re kind of fighting.”
“So you’re just going to avoid her?” She arched an eyebrow.
“Yep.” Jamie grinned broadly.
“Jay, what do you think?”
I thought it was kind of nice that straight people had relationship problems too. But I couldn’t say that. I grinned. “I think if Jamie just makes an effort to communicate-”
“About going to the movies.” Ellie interrupted, and rolled her eyes. Jamie laughed.
“That actually sounds like fun.” If I went home, I’d probably sit there stubbornly ignoring my phone for maybe an hour or two, and then I’d cave and talk to Eric. My anger with him was fading fast, but I was getting a little annoyed at myself for how quickly I was willing to forgive him. At least an activity could help stretch out the inevitable.
“Okay.” Ellie shrugged. “Let’s get going then.”
We ended up picking a movie that would only start in the next two hours, so we had plenty of time to grab food first. We settled in the food court, chatting about school, mostly. Ellie managed to get almost all the way through our meal before she started grilling Jamie. “So what are you and Megan fighting about now?”
“I don’t even know.” Jamie shook his head. “She doesn’t like Ryan. We were all hanging out, and they said some stuff to each other and… I don’t know.”
“You didn’t defend her?” Ellie asked in a scandalised tone.
Jamie frowned at her. “You don’t even know what they said.”
“That really doesn’t matter. You should always be on your girlfriend’s side. Jay, back me up here.”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “What did they say?”
Ellie tutted, and crossed her arms.
“She made some comment about him being dumb, and then he said something back about her being easy, and then she-”
“Oh shit.” I grimaced.
Jamie looked a little taken aback. “What? Bad?”
“Yeah. That sounds bad. Much worse than calling him dumb.”
Ellie gasped, clutching a hand to her chest. “You’re a monster.”
“Fuck. I thought it was just like… ripping on each other, you know? We do that all the time. It seemed like she was just overreacting.”
“Yeah, but that’s a little over the line,” I said.
“Seriously!” Ellie slapped the table. “Guys only ever want sex from girls, then they try to make us feel bad about wanting to have it, and then they throw it in our faces. I’m surprised Megan didn’t kill you. No one would have blamed her.”
“Okay, well, let’s not advocate murder.” I raised my eyebrows at Ellie, and then looked over at Jamie. “But you’re definitely going to have to apologise. A lot.”
“And make Ryan apologise too.” Ellie added.
“Fuck, he probably won’t.”
“Then you’ll have to stop hanging out with him,” she said.
“That seems easier, honestly.” Jamie settled back in his seat.
Having saved Jamie’s relationship, we’d finished up our food and made our way over to the movie. It was okay, but it didn’t distract me as much as I’d hoped. I found my mind constantly drifting back to Eric, and what I was planning on saying to him. When I’d dropped Jamie and Ellie off at their homes and settled down in my room, I’d already decided to talk to him – and on what I was going to say.
[I’m really, really sorry.]
______________[I hope you know that on top of whatever other shitty feelings seeing you with Jess like that made me feel, it was also embarrassing to have that happen in front of all of our friends.]
It didn’t take him long to respond.
[I know, and I’m so sorry for that too]
[Honestly, I wasn’t even entirely thinking at that moment]
[It just seemed kinda funny]
[And then it was going on a bit long and I realised I fucked up]
______________[Yeah.]
______________[It also didn’t help that you wanted to play the whole thing off as a joke.]
[I know. I’m so sorry for that too. I panicked.]
[I know it was a massive mistake, and I should have stopped her. I’m really, really sorry.]
[It didn’t mean anything, and I hope you know that]
______________[I don’t.]
______________[I can’t, really.]
______________[I can only take your word for it.]
[I suppose I deserve that.]
[Can I come over?]
______________[I don’t know.]
______________[Might not be a good idea right now.]
[Please. I really want to see you.]
I didn’t know how to respond. Of course, I wanted to see him too. But it just felt like if he came back here we’d make out, fool around, fall asleep together and tomorrow the problem would be completely erased. It felt like I wasn’t giving myself enough respect.
______________[Maybe tomorrow.]
[Okay, I’ll wait till tomorrow]
[But please?]
[Even if you’re mad]
[Even if it’s just for a little bit]
[If I don’t see you then, we’ll only see each other on Friday.]
[Please don’t make me wait a whole week]
[You’re mad, and I get that]
[You should be]
[I fucked up]
[But please promise me you’ll let me see you tomorrow]
He was right. I wanted to drag out his apology – a part of me wanted to impose some kind of penance on him, but I was mostly just aware that my emotions around him weren’t going to let me be objective, so I needed the extra time to think. But a week did seem too long to be away from him when we were like this. Like I knew I was going to, I caved.
______________[Fine. Tomorrow then.]
[Okay, great]
I threw myself down on my bed. It was still relatively early on in the afternoon, but I was already feeling a bit worn out. So when I settled down to read, I’d almost instantly drifted off. My mom came in to wake me up later to tell me they’d ordered pizza for dinner. I’d dragged myself into the living room, and sat eating and watching TV quietly with my family.
But after that I wasn’t so tired any more, so in the early hours of the morning I was still unable to sleep. The copy of Pride and Prejudice had still been on my bedside table, and though I’d just finished it – and had no intention of rereading it again so soon – I pulled it out and started pulling some of the letters out of their folders and reading them. They really were amazing – realistic handwriting on beautiful paper.
I’d gotten to the letter Darcy had sent to explain himself to Elizabeth, and after I put it back I couldn’t help but read the chapter afterwards, where she comes to a realisation about how short-sighted she’d been about him. It wasn’t a great comparison for what was happening with me and Eric – Darcy wasn’t exactly going around kissing romantic competitors – but when my phone started buzzing and his name was on the screen, it probably hadn’t hurt his chances that it had gotten me in a wistful and forgiving mood.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” he said, his voice catching slightly. “It’s tomorrow.”
“So it is.”
“Your light’s still on.”
“What the hell? Are you here?” I got up and pulled my curtains aside to look out the window, and saw him standing outside, on the sidewalk underneath a street light.
“Yeah, sorry.” He waved meekly. “Can I come in?”
“You’re an idiot.” I sighed. “Hang on. I’m coming.”
I hung up, putting down the phone and making my way out to the gate. He didn’t immediately approach when I opened it, so I went out and walked up to him. He put his arms around me, and I noticed he wasn’t entirely steady on his feet, and his breath smelled like beer.
I kind of wanted to laugh. “Are you drunk?”
“Only a little.” His face fell. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have come here like this. This was a bad idea.”
“Just come inside.” Pulling out of the hug, I grabbed his hand and led him down the path. He went into my room, while I went back to lock everything up behind us.
“I really am very sorry.” He said as I turned to face him after closing the glass door. He honestly looked a little rough – like he’d started out perfect, but had deteriorated over the course of the evening. His hair hung limp, his face was shiny with sweat.
“I know.” I took off his jacket – he didn’t resist. “When we wake up we’re going to have a long talk about what the fuck you were thinking. But for now, we’re going to bed.”
“Okay.” He kicked off his shoes and jeans, and we climbed under the covers.
I put my head on his chest, and he stroked my hair.
“Sorry,” he murmured, and we drifted off.
***
The next day didn’t quite go as I was planning – I woke up when he climbed back into bed, and he immediately dived in to kiss me. His mouth was fresh and minty, so I got the sense that it was entirely planned on his part. His hands were cold, but I didn’t care. Some logical part of my brain thought we needed to talk about things first, but I didn’t really care about that either. We hadn’t been physical together in over a week, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I shrugged out of my underwear – he was already naked – and we urgently ran our hands all over each other’s bodies, our faces mashed together, tongues wrestling. He positioned himself partly over me, and began to grind our cocks together, taking them in his hand and pumping. Neither of us lasted long – we were very quickly shuddering and gasping, and then we were coated in our own fluids.
But it didn’t end there. He kept kissing me – passionately, almost desperately – and before long we were both hard again. Though it took longer this time, our bodies still seemed very aware that it had been over a week since we’d done something like this. With both of us still sticky and wet – and awash in the scent of cum – eventually he let out a happy groan and shot his second load, and I followed shortly after.
Grabbed the towel from my bedside table, I wiped us down. I settled back into bed, feeling vaguely guilty about letting that happen. It really had been my intention to talk to him before we did anything like that. But it was too late to do anything about it. I took a deep breath. “Should I be worried about you and Jess?”
“No.” His head was partially buried in the pillow, facing away from me.
I exhaled sharply. “I’m going to need more than that.”
“Okay, fine.” He rolled over to face me. “What do I need to say?”
“Well…” I thought for a second. “Do you still have feelings for her?”
“She’s my friend, so I care for her like that. But I’m not attracted to her.”
“You did go out with her.”
“Yeah, but…” He shrugged. “I don’t really know how to explain it to you. You don’t like any girls, right?”
“Not sexually, no.”
“Well, it’s sort of… I was kind of attracted to her, a bit, and I liked her as a person, and because she was a girl and my friend I wanted it to be more than what it was, so I went with it.”
“Because she was a girl?”
“Mostly, yeah.”
“So because it was more socially acceptable?”
“I wouldn’t say that. It just felt like it was right in theory, so I kinda forced it. Does that make sense?”
“Not really.”
“Sorry, I can’t explain it well. But I promise you, when she kissed me on Friday, I felt nothing. I honestly thought she was joking, and then she just didn’t pull away. I wasn’t really sure what to do.”
“Yeah, no shit.” I didn’t exactly want to remember that. I got out of bed, and paced around, looking down at him. “Are you going to see her again?”
He looked nervous. “Um…”
“What?”
“She’s probably going to avoid Melissa a bit now, so we won’t really see her around much. It’s just…” He sighed. “She does go to my church, and she’ll be at that camp next week.”
“Oh.” I felt an irrational surge of hatred for Jess at that moment. But I squashed it down, because I knew it wasn’t fair to her. He was just as much to blame as she was.
“I can try and get out of it,” he said.
“No, it’s fine.” I’d have to trust him, at some point. And I really did believe him when he said he didn’t feel anything when she’d kissed him. Maybe I just wanted to. I couldn’t be sure.
What I could be sure of was that if I didn’t trust them, stopping the church camp thing was no way around it. They went to school together, anyway. They’d been best friends for ages, they had each other’s numbers and knew each other’s parents – if he wanted to run around behind my back with Jess, he’d be able to do that with no problem.
This whole thing just seemed like something stupid that he’d done, and I was probably just trying to drag it out so that I could be sure I wasn’t being naive. It felt like my dignity was on the line, and I didn’t want to be the guy that would forgive him instantly for anything, just because he was beautiful and willing to have sex with me.
“So… are we okay?” He asked, smiling up at me from the bed.
“Yes, you charming motherfucker.” I sighed and made my way over to him, settling into bed and letting him cuddle me. “I think we’re going to be fine.”
He lay behind me, his arms around me, his hand occasionally reaching up to stroke my hair. “So what did you do yesterday? After the test.”
“I went to the movies with Ellie and Jamie.”
“With Jamie?”
I turned to face him, my tone a little sharp. “That’s not a problem is it?”
“No.” He grinned sheepishly. “I just didn’t realise you were so close.”
“So I’m tempted to say something like ‘It was hard to have sex with Jamie while Ellie was there, yet we somehow managed.'” I smirked. “But given that we’ve just stopped fighting, I’m going to skip the joke and pretend like we’re not even having this conversation.”
“Good call.” He laughed, and I settled back into the cuddle.
***
When I went to dinner with him the next Friday, it was like nothing had ever happened, and I really didn’t want him to go away on that stupid camp. I wasn’t even worried about Jess any more. I just wanted him with me.
But he went, as was always the plan, and Ellie didn’t let me spend the weekend moping. We went to lunch with Jamie after AP maths again, and then she and I spent most of that Sunday sitting around my pool, and she berated me – playfully and dramatically, rather than seriously – for how quickly I’d forgiven Eric.
Then it was just another day of school – even for a Monday it had really dragged on. I was quite disappointed when I got home, and I didn’t have a message waiting from Eric. He should have gotten back around lunch-time. When nothing arrived for a couple of hours after that, I decided to stop waiting and just messaged him first.
______________[Hey]
______________[Are you back?]
No response. I wondered if he’d lost his phone, but I thought he might have tried to message me another way if he had. I thought that maybe I should just wait for him to show up here and knock on my window. It didn’t stop me from checking my messages every few minutes – I was unable to really focus on anything else. Eventually I caved, and messaged him again.
______________[Everything okay?]
[Okay, just busy.]
______________[With what?]
After ten minutes without another response, I sent a follow-up.
______________[Are you just not coming over tonight then?]
It took a long time for him to reply, but when he did, it wasn’t the reassuring message I was after.
[Jay, I’m busy, okay?]
______________[You told me you’d message me when you got back.]
______________[You didn’t, so I was a bit worried.]
______________[Sorry if it’s inconvenient for you, but maybe just let me know if I can still expect you to rock up at my house later, okay?]
[Okay, yeah, I did. I’m sorry.]
[But I’m just having a drink with some people from camp, and it’s the last time I’ll see them for a while, so I don’t want to be rude.]
I tried – really hard – to stop myself. But when the fog of rage lifted, it was too late. I had sent the message.
______________[Is Jess there?]
[I thought we’d dealt with this]
[No, she’s not]
[So calm the fuck down]
______________[Yeah…]
______________[Do not come over later.]
No response. Again. I nearly threw my phone across the room at that point. I sent Ellie a screenshot of the conversation – a second mistake, no doubt. Ellie wasn’t always a provider of calm, rational advice. But I wasn’t sure I wanted that anyway.
[That motherfucker!]
______________[I’m not overreacting, right?]
[No, after all the shit he’s pulled he should be rushing back to you]
[Not hanging out with his stupid church buddies]
[Even if she isn’t there]
[What the hell?]
[Should I come over?]
[I’m coming over!]
I smiled, and slowly made my way to the gate to let her in.
“If you’re planning on breaking up with him after this, I’ve never liked him and am ready to tear his personality apart.” She started marching past me down the path. “But if you want to keep him, I’m sure he’ll come to his senses soon and you two will barely remember this ever happened.”
I grinned, and followed her into my room.
“Are you okay?” She turned to face me once we were inside.
I sighed. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Okay.” She pursed her lips, and tilted her head. “Do you want to talk about it, or watch a movie?”
“I get the option?”
“Just this once.”
I laughed. “Well, then, I’ll go with the movie.”
“Good choice. You may never get the chance again.” She smirked, and clapped her hands together. “Okay, you pick the movie, and I’ll make us some tea.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I grabbed my laptop from my desk, and by the time she’d finished the teas and brought them over to the couch, I’d made my choice, and connected the computer to the TV.
She spent the rest of the day there, with me. Once the movie finished, we watched another one. After that I was finally ready to talk about Eric, and pretty surprised that she hadn’t forced the topic sooner. Ellie just sat there and listened to me, offering encouraging responses. By the time she left I was already feeling a lot better.
But I was still furious with Eric himself, and I maintained a stubborn resolve not to be the first one to break and text him.