OK. For something totally different — at least from me. I like to occasionally try to broaden my writing style. My attempt here is to tell a full story by just using conversations. There will be no background, narration, or descriptions here that are not from one of the characters talking. In other words, the only character building and descriptions will be when one person is telling another about them. I’m not sure that I will succeed in this. Yes, there are holes in the story. Use your imagination. There is no sex in this story. No one under the age of 18 (or anyone else for that matter) is engaged in any sexual activity. Yes, that’s redundant, but rat poison comes with a warning label not to eat it for a reason.
There was quite a bit of flak from people that didn’t like that I turned the husband into a pathetic alcoholic and killed him off in my first ‘Conversations’ story. I did that because I wanted to show how devastated he was that the person who he thought was his soul mate completely destroyed everything that he lived for. This time, I’m trying something else.
Yes, it is unrealistic. Yes, it’s stupid. I wrote it because it was fun to write. If you are one of those technical nitpickers, Swipe left. Yes, you will waste half an hour and lose IQ points reading this. Don’t bother commenting on that, I already know. Those of you still here, abandon reality and enjoy a bit of humor.
Cast:
Jennifer Jones — Loving wife, mother, and bitch.
Jeff Jones — Doting husband and father.
William Smith — Snake (Also known as Asswipe, Fuckface, Dick Head,… You get the idea.)
Ingrid Smith — Wife of Jeff.
John Jones — 18-year-old son of Jennifer and Jeff.
Gerry Jones — 21-year-old daughter of Jennifer and Jeff
Mary Smith — 16-year-old daughter of Ingrid and William.
Emily Smith — 18-year-old daughter of Ingrid and William.
Georgann (Georgie) Emmerson — Jennifer’s mother.
Conversations of a Loving Wife:
[Ringtone – We’re here at the station and you’re getting on
And all I can think of is thank God and Greyhound you’re gone]
“Hello.”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? DIVORCE PAPERS? YOU HAD ME SERVED WITH DIVORCE PAPERS AT WORK?”
“Well, hello, Jenifer. I take it that you have been served, then.”
“WHAT’S THIS ALL ABOUT? A DIVORCE? WHAT’S GOING ON? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?”
[laughing] “Wow. I really find it funny that YOU are accusing ME of cheating. No, I have never cheated on you. Although, I have had several offers, I believe in the vows we made to forsake all others. Pity that you didn’t.”
“Uuuummmm, what do you mean, dear? I’ve never cheated on you, that’s why this is such a surprise.”
“Perhaps you should look at what was included in the envelope. Maybe that will help jog your memory.”
“Look. I’m going to take the rest of the day off and come right home. We can sit down and discuss this before things get out of hand.”
“Well, it is probably already too late, but if you can get a ride here, that will be fine.”
“What do you mean ‘get a ride?”
“It’s not too complicated. Get. A. Ride. As in find someone to drive you, call a taxi, Uber, or Lyft.”
“You didn’t.”
“The car that you drive — which is in my name — is sitting here in the garage. I will sell it to you for fair market value, if you are interested.”
“You bastard! How am I supposed to get home now?”
“Easy. You can ride home with your boss.”
“Like he’s going to drive half an hour out of his way to drop me off?”
“Uuummm, no. You didn’t hear what I just said. I said, you can ride home with your boss. That means that your boss can take you home with him. You no longer live here.”
“What the fuck? Where am I supposed to live? What about all my stuff? Besides, I can’t go home with him. He lives with his wife and daughters. Look, OK. You have hard evidence, so I won’t bother to deny it. Yes, I had a brief fling with William. It’s over now. It was just a brief fling. Please, let me come home and we can discuss it. At least give me a few days to pack up and find somewhere to go.”
“No. I don’t care if it was just one time. You deliberately cheated on me. That is a dealbreaker. I will never forgive that. As for packing and finding someplace to go, that’s already done. The movers should be pulling up to your new residence momentarily.”
“Packed? Movers? New residence,,,,,, OH SHIT! YOU DIDN’T! Fuck!”
Line goes dead.
[Default ringtone]
“Jeff Jones, how may I help you?”
“Uuumm, Mr. Jones? My name is Ingrid Smith.”
“Oh. Yes, Mrs. Smith. How may I help you?”
“Well, perhaps you can explain why there is a moving truck at my house delivering a bunch of women’s belongings. The movers said that I was to call you with any questions. They are waiting for me to allow them into the house and show them where to put everything. Quite frankly, I’m more than a little confused.”
“I take it they haven’t given you the envelope yet?”
“No. Hold on.” Mumbling in the background. “OK. They just handed me an envelope. Now, will you please tell me what the hell is going on?”
“Of course. First off, that envelope is all the documentation, photos, and videos of my soon-to-be ex-wife and your husband’s affair. The moving truck contains all of her personal property. I figured that since she was fucking your husband and not me, she might as well just move in with him. Just show them which room she will be staying in, and they will take care of everything.”
“I have a better idea. I’m going to have them pack up the asshole’s shit with hers, and they can take it wherever they will be living. It isn’t going to be here.”
William’s door slams open.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
“Jenifer? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, fuck! This is a disaster. Jeff found out somehow.”
“Oh shit. How much does he know?”
“Enough, but it’s exponentially worse than that.”
“Did he tell my wife?”
“I don’t think so, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Of course, it matters! If she finds out…”
“She will shortly, and not in a good way.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that Jeff packed up all my shit and had it shipped to YOUR HOUSE! The movers will be at your house to move me in shortly, if they aren’t there already.”
“William?”
“William!”
“WILLIAM!!!” [SMACK] (Jenifer’s right hand slaps William’s face)
“WHAT THE FUCK?”
“I NEEDED TO WAKE YOU UP. You zoned out there.”
“Oh, shit.”
[Wind Beneath My Wings ringtone]
“Shit. That’s my wife.”
“Maybe the movers haven’t gotten there yet. See if you can get her out of the house for a while. I’ll borrow a car and go over to your house. When the movers get there, I’ll just take them to a storage facility and unload there.”
“OK. Wait. Why would you need to borrow a car, and where will you live?”
“Jeff took my car back this morning. I’ll have to get a motel room until I can find something else. Now answer your phone before she hangs up.”
“Hi sweetie. Sorry, you’re catching me in the middle of a small crisis.”
“Oh. Does that crisis happen to have anything to do with where you want the movers to deliver your shit?”
“Uuummm, what do you mean, Dear?”
“Well, I don’t believe I stuttered. I asked if the crisis you are dealing with has anything to do with WHERE. YOU. WANT. THE. MOVERS. TO. TAKE. YOUR. SHIT.”
“Sweetheart, why would movers be taking anything of ours anywhere?”
“Before I answer that, would you happen to have any idea why your secretary’s husband would send a moving truck with all her stuff to MY house?”
“I assure you that I have no idea about that.”
“Oh. So, I can assume that you can explain all these pictures and videos of you fucking that slut then?”
“P-p-p-pictures and v-v-v-videos?”
“In living color and high definition.”
“Ingrid, it’s not….”
“What it looks like, dear? Well, if it isn’t you fucking all three holes of that skank, perhaps you could tell me exactly what else it could be. Oh, wait. There is audio as well. I can’t wait to hear your pillow talk.”
[GROAN]
“Anyway, the movers have just about gotten all your shit loaded up. I’m sending them over to the storage company on fifth street. I suggest that you call over there and rent a locker, otherwise, they will probably just dump yours and Jennifer’s shit out on the side of the street.”
“Ingrid. Please, can we talk about this? I’ll be there in 20-minutes.”
“Seriously? It will take at least 20-minutes for an Uber just to get to the office. Besides, you and that slut need to pack up your shit from your offices. You’re both fired!”
“What are you talking about? I’m the President of the company. You can’t fire me.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something? It was my father’s company. When he died, I inherited it. That makes me the owner. Remember the prenup you signed? My trust fund, as well as the company are excluded from community property. Oh, and that little clause about infidelity? I will be enforcing that as well. The car you drive belongs to the company. As you are no longer employed with said company, you no longer have that car. Furthermore, that 1968 GTO that you bought two years ago IS community property. Per the prenup Infidelity clause, I am taking that as well.”
“But, but, but…”
“Sorry, but I made a deal with the slut’s husband. I either fire you both, or he will sue the company for not enforcing the morals clause in the company handbook. Now, Get busy. Security should be there momentarily to make sure that you don’t take any company property, then they will escort both of you off property.” [CLICK — DIALTONE]
[Your Cheating Heart — ringtone]
“Hello, Mother. Why am I not surprised that you are calling?”
“Gerry, dear. I need your help.”
“Help with what, Mother? I hope it isn’t help in fucking your boyfriend.”
“Geraldine! You will not speak to me in that manor. I am your mother. I insist that you be respectful to me.”
“Yeeaaahh, not gonna happen. I don’t respect cheaters or any other sluts and whores.”
“I AM NOT A SLUT! YOU WILL BE RESPECTFUL WHEN SPEAKING TO ME!”
“Well, let’s clarify that, then. Tell me, mother, did you engage in sexual relations with someone other than my father?”
“Well…”
“Did you engage in sexual relations with someone who was currently married to another person?”
“Uuumm…”
“Were these sexual relations performed while you were both employed by the same company, on company time, and on company property?”
“Well, uuummm….”
“Did you receive promotions and raises during said sexual relationships?”
“Look, Geraldine…..”
“Was said sexual relationship with your boss, who was the person to make determinations on said raises and promotions?”
“Geraldine! That’s not why I called….”
“OK. So, I’m sorry I called you a slut. You are obviously not a slut. Sluts give it away for free. You got paid for it. That makes you a whore.”
“Gerry, please. Can we discuss this later? I really need some help here.”
“Fine. What do you need?”
“I need a ride home so I can talk to your father.”
“OK. Two questions, though. Where is your home? How would calling Dad from your home be any different than calling him from where you are now?”
“Gerry, I don’t understand your questions. You know where our house is, and I can just sit down and talk to your father when I get there. Why would I need to call him when we would be in the same house?”
“Oh. I didn’t realize that you and your boyfriend already have a house. As for that, how would I possibly know where you and Billy-boy are living since you apparently just got it. I didn’t see anything about another house in the PI report that Dad showed John and me this morning.”
“What are you talking about? The house your father and I live in. It’s the same house you grew up in. William and I are not living together.”
“No, mother. You don’t live there anymore. John and I helped Dad pack up all your stuff and move it out this morning after you left for work.”
“He can’t do that. That house is just as much mine as it is his.”
“Actually, it doesn’t belong to either of you. Don’t you remember when Dad started his business 12-years ago? You both signed it over to the business for tax purposes. Dad was working out of the house and garage until he needed to expand and get a real office. Since he still uses it for company purposes, and he uses it as a company asset for collateral on loans. As the sole proprietor of the business, he gets the use of the house and has final say in who has access to it. Dad has deemed that you are no longer welcome on any of his company’s property.”
“But where will I go?”
“In the famous words of Rhett Butler, ‘Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn’.”
[CLICK — Dial tone]
“Gerry? Gerry. Geraldine!!! Shit. She hung up on me.”
[I Want It Now — Theme ringtone]
“Yes, Jenifer?”
“Mom. I need help.”
“Well, that goes without saying, dear. I’m just glad that you have finally realized that. They do say that acceptance is the first step. Now, I think that Dr. Crenshaw would be best, but I can recommend some others if you like.”
“Dr. Crenshaw? Mom, what are you talking about? Dr. Crenshaw is a psychiatrist.”
“Well, of course, she is. Who better to help you with your obvious mental issues than a psychiatrist? I suppose a psychologist would help, but a psychiatrist can prescribe medications if needed.”
“Mental illness? Mom, what are you talking about?”
“Well, I just assumed that you had to be mentally ill to cheat on your husband and throw away your marriage to a wonderful man like that — especially with a scumbag like your boss.”
“Oh, for Christ sake. No, Mother. I don’t need a psychiatrist. I need a ride and somewhere to stay for a bit until I can talk to Jeff and get this all straightened out.”
“Oh. Well, I suppose that I can come down and pick you up, but do you know where you will be staying?”
“Uuummm, I was kind of hoping that you might…”
“Oh, hell no.” You are not staying here. I only have a small one-bedroom apartment. Besides, I do a bit of — how shall I put this — ‘entertaining’ at home. I’m not about to have you cramping my style.”
“Uuuggg. Mom. Seriously?”
“What? Your father is gone, so I am single and lonely. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a man — and sometimes a woman — over. I still have desires, after all.”
“Oh, God. [Shudder] Mom, TMI.”
“Whatever. Perhaps you should check into a motel for a few days until you can find permanent arrangements.”
20-minutes later:
“Thanks, mom. We really appreciate the ride.”
“We? What’s this ‘we’ shit? Got a mouse in your pocket?”
“Uuummm, William also needs….”
“I don’t give a flying fuck what Billy-boy needs. I will not have that slimeball in my car. No telling what nasty shit he has covering him. Do you have any idea how expensive it would be to have the interior of my car completely disinfected and sterilized? If he has a pair of skates with him, I’ll let him tie a rope behind the car so I can tow him, but that’s the best I’m willing to do for that Asswipe.”
“Sorry, William. I’ll be at the Motel 6 on Water Street.”
“Seriously, Mom?”
[Ringtone — Whose bed have your boots been under]
“Hello.”
“Hi Emily, it’s dad. I need some help here.”
“Sure dad. Hold on while I look up the local clinics.”
“Clinics? Sweetie, why are you looking up clinics?”
“Well, duh. Isn’t that what you called for? I assume that you wanted me to find a clinic for you to get tested for STDs.”
“What?”
“Isn’t that why you called? I figured that you needed to get tested. Mom has already made an appointment with her doctor.”
“No. I don’t need to get tested for STDs. I called you because I need A ride.”
“EEEEYYYYYYUUUUUUWWWWWW! I’m your daughter! Besides, didn’t your whore ride you enough?”
“WHAT? NO! I DIDN’T MEAN THAT KIND OF RIDE! Look, Emily. I’m at work, and I need a ride to a motel.”
“Sorry. No can do. I’m busy helping mom disassemble the bed and throw it out so she can get a new one. Anyway, gotta go.”
“Emily? Shit.”
An hour later:
“Thank God. You’re finally here.”
[HUFF, HUFF] “couldn’t get a ride. Had to walk.”
“Why didn’t you call an Uber?”
[HUFF] “Bitch cancelled all my cards.”
“Shit. At least I still have one credit card in my own name. All the joint cards have been cancelled and half the money was taken out of my checking account.”
“Fuck. OK, so how much do you have?”
“I have enough for about a week. At least we will get our last week’s work and all our accrued PTO time on our last check.”
“Good. We can probably survive for a couple more weeks, but we will need to get new jobs. I’m pretty sure that we won’t be getting any sort of letter of recommendation, though.”
One year later:
“Hello. Welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?”
“Hi mom. I’d like two chicken chalupas, one beef taco salad, one large root beer, and one Mountain Dew.”
“John?”
“Yep. That’s me. Did you get my order?”
“Oh. Yes. Sorry, but I was just shocked to hear your voice.”
“I understand. We are in kind of a hurry, though.”
“Oh. OK. That will be $XX.XX.”
“Cool. Thanks.”
“John, why are you so dressed up, and who is that with you?”
“Didn’t you hear about the wedding? Dad’s getting married today. Emily and I just wanted something quick to eat since it will be a few hours before we get another chance.”
“Emily?”
“Yeah. Don’t you remember Emily Smith? She’s one of Billy’s daughters. Dad’s marrying her mom this afternoon. They got together right after dad kicked you out, and then started dating. They fell in love and are getting married. I’m dad’s best man, and I’m escorting Emily to the wedding.”
“No. I didn’t hear about it. In fact, I haven’t heard from either you or your sister in almost a year.”
“Yeah, well…. Uuummm, we kind of need to get going, so,,,,,”
“Fine. Here’s your food. Please call me sometime.”
William, a week later:
“Hello Mary. How are you doing?”
[Silence as Mary is typing on her phone]
“Uuummm, so, how is school going?”
[Silence as Mary is typing on her phone]
“Have you been looking at colleges?”
[Silence as Mary is typing on her phone]
“I’ve missed seeing you for the last couple months.”
[Silence as Mary is typing on her phone]
“Mary, please talk to me.”
“Look. The judge said that I had to come here. He said that I am obligated to grace you with my presence. He never said anything about me having to actually speak, so I am enforcing my constitutional right to silence. Let’s just keep to ourselves and endure this hell for the next couple of hours until it’s time for me to leave.”
“But, the whole purpose of visitation is to spend time together, communicate, and build our relationship.”
[HUFF] “FINE! Good. Good. Yes. Too bad. There. I answered your questions. Can I get back to the conversation I was having with Emily now?”
“You’re talking to Emily? Can you tell her that I miss her and would like to see her?”
“Yes, I can. As you can no doubt see, I am fully capable of texting her.”
“Will you tell her?”
“No. She doesn’t want to talk to you any more than I do. Lucky for her, she is an adult, so she isn’t forced to see you like I am. Thank God I only need to do this for another 5-months before I turn 18 and never need to see your sorry ass again.”
4-years later at a grocery store:
“Gerry! I didn’t know you were back in town. How are you doing?”
[SIGH] “I’m doing fine, mother. And, I’m not back in town. I’m only here for the graduation.”
“Graduation?”
“Yes. John and Emily are both graduating from college tomorrow. I’m here picking up food for the party we’re having for them tomorrow after the graduation ceremony.”
“John is graduating, and I didn’t get an invitation?”
“Must have got lost in the mail.”
“And Emily is also graduating? William didn’t get an invitation to that either.”
“That’s not really a surprise.”
“What time is the party? William and I would like to attend. I need to run out and get graduation gifts for them.”
“Oh lord. (muttered under her breath). It starts at 5:00 at Dad’s house.”
“Oh. OK. Thanks. It will be great to see everyone again. William and I’ve missed everyone.”
“Yeah. Mary missed Billy-boy too. She never was a good shot.”
“What was that, Gerry?”
“Oh, nothing important. I do need to get going though.”
“OK. Bye Dear.”
Later that day:
“WHAT?????” the word was shouted out in stereo.
[laughing] “Don’t worry. I told her it was at Dad’s house.”
“Yes, I got that.”
“So, where do you think that they will show up two hours late tomorrow?”
5:00 the next evening:
“Odd. I would have thought that there would be more cars here for the party.”
“Yeah, and I don’t recognize either of the cars in the driveway.”
“Well, it has been a long time. Maybe they got different cars.”
[DING DONG]
“Yes? May I help you?”
“Uuummmm, yes. We’re here for my son’s and his daughter’s graduation party.”
“Graduation party? For your son and his daughter?”
“Yes. My oldest daughter told me that the party would be here at 5:00 this afternoon.”
“I don’t have a clue what you are talking about. My kids are all still in high school. I don’t know anything about a party. I think you need to leave now.”
[SLAM]
[Ringtone – We’re here at the station and you’re getting on
And all I can think of is thank God and Greyhound you’re gone]
“Hello.” (Loud party sounds in the background.)
“Jeff. It’s Jennifer.”
“I am aware of that.”
“Well, William and I are outside your house, or what used to be your house, for Jeff and Emily’s graduation party.”
“Well, come on in. It’s a great party.”
“We would, but a strange woman answered the door and knew nothing about the party.”
“That’s odd. Which house are you at?”
“The house we used to live in when we were married.”
“Why did you go there?”
“Because Gerry said that was where the party would be.”
“Hold on.” Murmuring in the background. “Gerry just told me that she said the party was at my house.”
“Yes, she did.”
“Then what’s the problem? I’m inside my house, and there is a double graduation party going on.”
“The problem is that it isn’t the house that I thought it was.”
“Of course not. When Ingrid and I got married, we sold the old houses and bought a new one to live in.”
“So where is your new house?”
“It’s outside of Cherryville, up in the mountains. When my business took off, we bought a really nice 5,000-square-foot 6-bedroom place on about 5-acres about half-way up the mountain.”
“But that’s almost four-hours away. It will be late at night before we can get there.”
“Sorry, but you should probably have planned a little better.”
————————
Two years later:
[The Bitch is Back by Elton John Ringtone]
“Yes, mother?”
“Geraldine! What’s this announcement in the newspaper about you getting married yesterday?”
“Well, that seems to be a bit self-explanatory.”
“What do you mean?”
“You asked about a wedding announcement you apparently just read in the newspaper. That would mean that the newspaper announced a wedding. Since you specifically stated that it was an announcement about MY wedding, that would be an announcement that I got married yesterday. See? Self-explanatory.”
“But I never even knew you were engaged, much less anything about the wedding.”
“You mean that you never saw the invitation? I’m sure that we sent you one.”
“No. I never saw anything.”
“Hmmm. That explains why you never RSVP’d. We even set up a place for you at the head table as one of the Mothers-of-the-Bride. Everyone was disappointed that you never showed up. As far as knowing about my engagement, we announced it at the Graduation party for Jeff and Emily.”
“But, I missed out on all the planning, dress shopping, and everything that a mother is supposed to do for her daughter.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. Ingrid took care of everything. She’s been a great help.”
“But that was supposed to have been me.”
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll mention it to Emily and Mary. Maybe when they get married, they will let you help. You are, after all, married to their scumbag sperm donor.”
“When will you introduce me to your husband, then?”
“Uuuummmm, husband?”
“Yes. I really would like to meet this Sam that you married.”
“Oh! [laughing] I understand your confusion. The announcement was for Gerry and Sam. Sam’s parents were initially confused as well because Sam told them that my name was Gerry before I actually met them. Actually, HER name is Samantha, and she is my wife.”
“YOU’RE GAY?????”
“Yes, I am very happy — oh, you meant that as in am I a lesbian. Of course, I am. OH. Gotta go. They’re calling for boarding. Got a plane to catch for the honeymoon. Bye.”
————————————
[RINGTONE]
“Hello Jennifer.”
“Mom. I just saw in the newspaper that my daughter got married yesterday.”
“Yes. It was a beautiful service. The reception was a blast too.” (giggling in the background)
“YOU WERE THERE?”
“Of course. She is my granddaughter, you remember. (Shush. I’m talking to my idiot daughter. Whispered in the background.)
“Mom! Why didn’t you tell me that she was getting married?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I was asked to not tell you anything, just like I haven’t told you anything about your ex-family for the last few years. I want to continue to have a relationship with my grandchildren, so that means that I don’t tell you anything about them. You screwed up, but I don’t believe that I should pay for your stupidity. (No. Put that vibrator down. I’m warning yo……..Oh God!)
“Mom? Is someone there with you?”
“Oh! Right there! Mmmmmm. Jen, I have to go. (Oh, you little minx. Just wait until I get my strap-on.) I’ll talk to you later. Something is cumming,,,, I mean something just came up.”
“Mom! What the fuck? Are you having sex with another woman right now?”
“OHHHH SHIIITTT! Well, it was a lesbian wedding, and Sam’s aunt is gay, and we were both alone, and we were drinking, and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Sorry dear, but your mom is busy at the moment. I’ll have her call you back in a few hours. She will be tied up in a, I mean FOR a bit.”
[CLICK]
“Oh my God! What have we done?”
“What’s that, Jen?”
“William, when was the last time you heard from your daughters?”
“Hmmmm. I think I called Mary a few months ago. I called Emily the day after that.”
“Yes, but when was the last time they called you?”
“Let’s see. I’m sure that it wasn’t really that long ago. I know I called them to see if they could come over for Christmas, but they were already going to Ingrid’s. I called them about Thanksgiving, but they already committed to being with Ingrid. I called them on their birthdays. You know what? I can’t remember the last time either of them called me.”
“I’ll tell you the last time either of my kids called me. It was three days before I was served divorce papers. I just found out that my daughter got married yesterday. We never got an invitation to the wedding. I didn’t even know she was engaged. Do you remember when Jeff and Emily graduated? We didn’t get an invitation to that, either. I only found out about it by accident.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that our children have cut us out of their lives. They never contact us. They never see us. We have missed out on everything with them.”
“Shit. You’re right. I need to call them and see if I can fix that.”
[Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under — Ringtone]
“Yeeessssss?”
“Hi Mary, it’s Daddy.”
“Why are you calling me on my phone? I’m right here in the next room.”
“What? What do you mean ‘in the next room’? Are you renting an apartment next door?”
“Apartment? Next door? No. I’m in the livingroom — OH. I see the problem. My bad. When you said you were daddy, I thought….. Never mind. To what to I owe the displeasure of your call.”
“Uuuummmm, if you didn’t think it was me, then who were you thinking your daddy is?”
“The real man who is married to mom, of course. Who else?”
“Ouch. OK, well that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“This should be interesting.”
“I need to talk to both you and your sister, actually.”
“Which one?”
“Huh?”
“Which sister? Ger or Em?”
“What?”
“You said that you also need to talk to my sister — singular. I have two of them. Gerry and Emily. Which one do you need to talk to?”
“Mary, Emily is your sister. Gerry is your step-sister.”
“Only steps in this family are on the staircase from the first floor to the second floor.”
“OK. Whatever. I need to talk to you and Emily.”
“You’re in luck. She’s sitting right beside me. John is here as well; in case you also want to talk to my brother too. I’ll put the phone on speaker.” [Speaker turned on]
“Yeah. OK. Jennifer is sitting beside me, so I’ll put my phone on speaker as well. I think she also wants to talk to her son.” [Speaker turned on]
“I don’t understand.”
“I said, she will also want to talk to John.”
“Why didn’t you say so in the first place?”
“I did. I said she wants to talk to her son.”
“Yes. I heard that. Why do you need to put your phone on speaker for her to do that?”
“Because you said John is sitting right next to you, and Jen is sitting right next to me.”
“What does that have to do with Jen talking to her son?”
Jen: “You’re not making any sense. I need to talk to John. You said he was right next to you. Since you are all there, I can just talk to him now while your father talks to you and your sister.”
Em: “This is getting confusing. Jen, do you want to talk to John, or to your son? As far as talking to any of us while we are talking to our father, why are you calling us if you just want us to talk to our dad? We can do that just by walking into the other room where he and mom are.”
Jen: “You guys aren’t making any sense. I need to talk to John, who is my son. And William needs to talk to both you, Mary, and you, Emily, who are his daughters.”
John: “OK, I see the problem now. You and Billy-boy somehow still think that we are your children.”
Will: “Of course you are.”
Mary: “Correction; you WERE. You were our parents right up until you decided to cheat on mom and dad. At that point, you simply became Emily’s and my sperm donor, and Gerry’s and John’s incubator. Now, we only have one mom and one dad. Mom is Ingrid, and Jeff is our dad.”
Jen: “I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
John: “It’s very simple. Right after you two were kicked out, the four of us kids got together and decided that we simply did not want to have anything more to do with you two. Once mom and dad got engaged, we got together again and decided that Ingrid would become Gerry’s and my mom, and dad would become Mary’s and Emily’s dad. We didn’t need you two cheaters in our lives anymore. Before you start going off on mom and dad about any of that, they had nothing to do with our decision. They actually tried to talk us into keeping you two losers in our lives. We stopped all communication with the two of you, except when you called us or ran into us somewhere. You never received invitations to anything, graduations, birthdays, even Gerry’s wedding. Just to be clear, you will not be invited to any other events in the future. You will never see Mary graduate from college. You will not attend our weddings when we decide to get married. Billy-boy will not walk Emily or Mary down the aisle. You will never see any children that the four of us might have. We are blocking you out of our lives. Just so you know, now that we have had this conversation, Emily and I have already blocked your numbers on our phones as we have been talking. I also sent a text to Gerry that this conversation already happened, and she will be blocking your numbers as soon as she reads my text. Mary will be blocking your numbers from this phone as soon as we hang up. Don’t bother to try and contact us using a different phone, as we will hang up immediately and block that number as well.”
Jen: “But, we still want to be part of your lives.”
Emily: “Yeah, and we didn’t want two cheaters as parents.”
Mary: “OK. I’m done. We have other things to do, so I’m hanging up now. Goodbye, good luck, and GOOD RIDDANCE!”
[CLICK]
“Oh God. What have we done?” Jen and Will cried out in sterio.