OK. For something totally different — at least from me. I like to occasionally try to broaden my writing style. My attempt here is to tell a full story by just using conversations. There will be no background, narration, or descriptions here that are not from one of the characters talking. In other words, the only character building and descriptions will be when one person is telling another about them. I’m not sure that I will succeed in this. Yes, there are holes in the story. Use your imagination.
Also, there will probably be debate on whether the Bitch was actually burned. I leave that up to you. And, yes, there really are people out there that are as stupid as Connie. There is no sex in this story, so feel free to ‘Swipe Left’ if you are simply looking for a stroke story.
Cast:
Connie Williams — Loving wife, mother, and bitch. Her first marriage ended in divorce because her first husband cheated on her.
Dan Williams — Doting husband and father. (He is not an active participant in the conversations)
Stan Jones — Snake (Also known as Asswipe, Fuckface, Dick Head,… You get the idea.)
April Williams — 18-year old daughter of Connie and Dan. She’s a Daddy’s Girl
Gabe Williams — 18-year old son of Connie and Dan. April’s twin brother
Julie Smith — 30-year old daughter of Connie from her previous marriage. Dan’s Step-daughter. She has two daughters and is unmarried
Nick Smith — 35-year old son of Connie from her previous marriage. Dan’s step-son. He had a son and daughter. Married to June.
June Smith — Nick’s wife.
Note: Dan didn’t meet Connie until several years after her divorce from her first husband, so he was not the cause of the divorce.
Conversations of a Loving Wife:
[Ringtone]
“Hello.”
“Mom! What the fuck is going on, and where are you?”
“What do you mean, April? And I would prefer it if you wouldn’t use that language and tone with me.”
“Yeah, and I would prefer not to have come home today and found my father curled up on the couch sobbing like his world had just been destroyed. There’s also a half empty bottle of bourbon on the table beside him. What’s going on?”
“Has he told you anything?”
“No, MOTHER! He hasn’t said anything. I’m not even sure that he is really aware that I am here. He’s just curled up on the couch sobbing. There’s something that looks like a manila envelope that he is clutching to his chest though. So, when are you going to be home?”
“OK. The envelope will explain everything.”
“What do you mean? You still haven’t told me when you will be home. It’s dad’s birthday today, and we are supposed to be going to the restaurant in a couple of hours. I would have thought that you would have already been here getting ready.”
“Well, dear. That’s a bit complicated at the moment.”
“Hold on. I manage to get the envelope. What’s this? Petition for a divo……..YOU FUCKING BITCH! DID YOU ACTUALLY SERVE DAD WITH DIVORCE PAPERS ON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY?”
“Well, there really is never a good time to do this, but Stan and I..”
“STAN? WHO THE FUCK IS STAN? HAVE YOU BEEN CHEATING ON DAD?”
“April! There is no reason for you to be screaming like that and using that type of language with me!”
“Fuck that! Just get home so we can discuss this.”
“Well, dear. I, uumm, actually, I…”
“Oh, don’t tell me that you have already moved in with that piece of shit!”
“APRIL! I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOU USING THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE ABOUT STAN! HE’S A VERY NICE MAN, AND HE WILL BECOME YOUR STEP-FATHER AS SOON AS THE DIVORCE IS FINAL!”
“No, Connie, he won’t. I will never acknowledge him. I will never be polite to him. I will never even be civil to him. He will never be part of my life in any way, shape, or form.”
“Listen to me, April. April. April? APRIL! Shit. She hung up.”
[Ringtone]
“Hey April. What’s up?”
“Listen, Gabe. We have an emergency at home. Get your ass here on the double.”
“What’s going on?”
“Just get home fast. I don’t want to get into details over the phone, but I need your help with dad.”
“What’s wrong with Dad, and where is Mom? Why isn’t she helping?”
“My former mother is gone, and she isn’t coming back. She has apparently moved out.”
“Oh, shit.”
“Oh, shit doesn’t even begin to cover it. It gets worse, but you’re wasting time. Just get your ass home, and we can go over it later.”
“OK. Be there in fifteen.”
“K. Bye.”
Half an hour later:
“OK, Gabe. Now that he’s in his bed, I’ll let you get his clothes off so he can sleep.”
“Gee, thanks, sis.”
“What? You think it would be better if I did it?”
“No. Fine, but I’m probably going to have nightmares about this for weeks.”
Couple minutes after:
“OK. Done. Now, what the hell is going on?”
“Well, as far as I can tell, our former mother has been having an affair for quite a while. She must have served Dad with the divorce papers and moved out this morning.”
“ON HIS BIRTHDAY??? WHAT A BITCH!”
“Yeah. That’s what I said. Well, let’s see what the paperwork says.”
“What the hell? She’s demanding seventy percent of the assets, paying for your college, and $2,000 a month support in exchange for letting him keep the house! She knows damn good and well that he will never be able to afford that. After maxing out all the credit cards and refinancing the mortgage and using all the equity up, the bills are so much that they are just living paycheck to paycheck.”
“Damn. How will Dad survive? At least he can keep the house.”
“I doubt that. It’s too expensive. He’ll have to sell it and move to a small apartment. With you moving into the dorms at college and me leaving for the Air Force in a couple of months, it will just be him living here. And, because they took all the equity out of the house when they refinanced, he will not get a dime if he sold it.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. I need to call Julie and let her know what happened and that dinner is off for the night. Then I’ll call Nick and tell him what’s going on. That should be interesting. After all, while she is their biological mother, Dad is only their step-father.”
“You know better than that, sis. As Nick always said, the only steps in this house go from the first floor to the second floor. Remember, Julie has never seen her biological father, and Nick hasn’t seen him since he was about four and a half years old. Dad is the only father that they have ever known.”
“You’re right, but I kind of worry that blood may be thicker than water here.”
5 months later:
[Darth Vader Theme ringtone]
“What do you want, Connie?”
“April, I am your mother. You should address me as such.”
“After what you did to my dad? I don’t think so. Do you know that he lost his job because he went in to work drunk? He was so devastated by what you did to him that he never even contested the terms of the divorce. You destroyed him. Since then, I don’t think that he has been sober since, no matter how hard Gabe, Julie and I try to help him.”
“Well, that was his choice. By the way, he missed the last two months of the support. If he misses it again, I’ll have to take him back to court.”
“What is wrong with you? I know that you have become a heartless bitch, but can’t you see that he is dead broke? He lost the house, he had to sell all his tools, and he’s living — if you can even call it living — in a crappy, run-down apartment in the worst part of town. He can barely afford to even eat.”
“That’s his choice. He still owes me my money. I had to cancel two of my spa days because of that.”
“Oh, the horror!” With extreme sarcasm.
“Look, I understand that you father is having some problems, but that’s not why I called. First, I haven’t heard from you for several months. You never call me. You should be calling your mother occasionally. Second, I need the information on when and where your graduation from boot camp will be.”
“I’ll take your advice for calling you under advisement. Next, why do you need that information?”
“Because Stan and I want to come out and see the graduation, dear.”
“Who’s Stan?”
“April! You know who Stan is. He’s my fiancé, and he’s going to become your step-father. You know that we will be getting married as soon as my divorce is final. I sent you the invitation, and you are supposed to be in the wedding party.”
“Sorry, I was confused for a moment. I only think of him as Asswipe. So, what makes you think that I even want you and Fuckface here for that?”
“April! I insist that you stop calling him those awful names!”
“Not gonna happen. Anyway, if you are so intent on coming out for it, you can figure those things out for yourself.”
“Fine. We will see you then.”
San Antonio, New Mexico a month later:
“April! That was a wonderful ceremony. I’m so proud of you. Come. Let’s go to dinner.”
“Yeah, I figured that you would want to do that. I hope that you don’t mind, but I went ahead and made reservations.”
“Oh, no, that’s perfect. It will help to not have to wait in line, since there will probably be a lot of others trying to have dinner too.”
“OK. By the way, this is Tracy. We met here and became really good friends. She doesn’t have any family, so I invited her to go along as well. Tracy, this is Connie. She’s the one that gave birth to me.”
“Hello Tracy. And this hansom gentleman is…..”
“No one that you need to care about. You should also probably refrain from touching him. You don’t know what diseases you might pick up”
“April! We flew two thousand miles to watch you graduate! You could at least be polite!”
“One, I didn’t ask you to be here. You did that all on your own. Second, I have always been very clear that I would never be anything but rude to that thing that caused you to destroy my daddy.”
“Fine! Let’s just go to dinner.”
30-minutes later at the restaurant:
“This looks like a very nice place, April.”
“Yeah, it’s supposed to be the best restaurant in the city. It’s gotten really great reviews and has won a couple of awards as well.”
“Well, judging from the prices, it should be exceptional.”
[April, party of three. Your table is ready]
“That’s us. Let’s go.”
“But April, they said ‘party of three. There’s four of us.”
“No. there are only three of us. You, me and Tracy. That’s three.”
“But Stan makes it four.”
“Who?”
“STAN! MY FIANCE! Christ, April. I’m really getting tired of your attitude towards Stan.”
“Fine. Let me see what I can do.”
A couple of minutes later:
“OK. I fixed it as best as I could. It was too late to change the reservation, so our table is only set up for the three of us. The good news is that they had a cancelation, and they can set up a separate table in the vicinity for one. That’s the best that I can do. I gave them his name, and they should be calling him as soon as we are seated.”
Moments after the women were seated:
[Richard Cranium, party of one. Your table is ready.]
“April, I thought that you said that Stan would be the next one called.”
“They just did call him.”
“No. They called a Richard Cranium, not Stan.”
“They called the name that I gave them. Richard is the proper name for Dick, and Cranium is a Head. Richard Cranium is also known as Dick Head. See, I was being polite.”
“April! I’m ashamed of you. And why are they leading him to the other side of the restaurant? I thought that you said that he would be in the vicinity.”
“He is in the vicinity. He’s in the same room. Personally, I would prefer he be on the other side of the city, but, compared to the entire city, he is in the near vicinity. It’s just a matter of perspective.”
One month later:
[Devil Went Down to Georgia Ringtone]
“Hello, Mother.”
“Nick, baby. I’ve been waiting for your call to let me know if you were hosting Thanksgiving as usual and to make plans.”
“Sorry, Mother. I guess that we forgot to call. We are going to Texas this year to be with June’s family for Thanksgiving.”
“Oh. I was hoping to see my grandbabies. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. Are you planning on coming out here sometime?”
“Not for a while now. We were just out there last week, so it will be a while before we can get out there again.”
“Last week? Why didn’t you let me know? I would have loved to have seen you.”
“Well, for starters, June’s dad and his new wife were there for a few days of vacation, and they invited us to spend a couple of days with them. Then, we spent a few more days with Dad. By that time, we had to leave again, so we didn’t have time to stop by and see you. Maybe next time.”
“OH. OK. What about Christmas? Can you come up here, or should we plan on going down there?”
“I’m not sure, Mother. I’ll have to call you and let you know.”
“OK, Nick. Please do call. It seems as though I always have to call you. You never seem to call me anymore.”
“Really? Wow. I didn’t realize that.”
“Yes. In fact, I can’t recall you ever calling me since Dan and I split up.”
“By split up, I assume you mean when you dumped him and moved in with Asswipe.”
“Nick! He is a very nice man, and he will soon become your step-father. Besides, Dan was not you real father anyway.”
“Well, mother. You are correct that Dan wasn’t my sperm donor, but he is the only dad that I ever really had. I also never considered him as a step-father. To me, he was always my father. The only steps that I ever thought of at home, were the ones from the first floor to the second floor.”
[Death March Ringtone]
“Yes, Mother. What do you want?”
“Julie, dear. I just got off the phone with Nick, and they will be going to Texas for Thanksgiving. I decided to host dinner here for us. I thought that we should start planning.”
“Sorry, mother, but I already have other plans. After Nick called me last month, I made alternate arrangements. I figured that since you wouldn’t be going there, that you would be going to Shithead’s family for the holiday.”
“No. He really doesn’t have any family left. He was an only child, and his parents died several years ago. Well, since April is in her specialty training back east, I guess it will just be Stan, Gabe and me for Thanksgiving, then.”
“Oh. Actually, since we figured that you wouldn’t be doing it, I already invited Gabe to go with me. Besides, there’s a really nice girl that’s going to be there, and we want him to meet her.”
“Oh. Well. I guess that I’ll try my mom. Besides, she lives in the same city as Nick and June. Perhaps I can catch them for a few hours either before they leave for Texas or when they get back.”
“OK. Sorry, mother. Bye.”
[Ringtone]
“Hello.”
“Hi, mom. It’s Connie.”
“Oh, hello Dear.”
“Hey, mom. It looks like all the kids have other plans for Thanksgiving this year. I was wondering if you, dad, and Steph either wanted to come out here, or if Stan and I could go down there for Thanksgiving.”
“Well, I’m not sure what’s going on, but we will be going over to Nick and June’s for Thanksgiving dinner. Everyone will be there. Even April and her new girlfriend managed to get a three-day pass to come out.”
“WHAT??? Nick told me that they were going to Texas for Thanksgiving with June’s family.”
“Oh. Well, that was the original plan, but that changed yesterday when April called him and asked if she could come out. After a few phone calls, they changed everything, and June’s family will be coming out here. I’m sure that you will be welcome to join us.”
“OK. Thanks, mom. We will be there. Can we stay at your place?”
“I’m sorry, Dear, but, with April and her girlfriend, plus Gabe, Julie, and her kids, I will already have a houseful. Besides, I really don’t think that your kids like your new man.”
“OK. I guess that we will just book a motel for a couple of days, then.”
“OK, Sweetie. I look forward to seeing you. I’m sure that your sister will be excited as well.”
“Alright. Thanks, Mom. Bye”
Turning to Stan:
“Well, that was odd.”
“What’s that, Connie?”
“I was just talking to my oldest son about Thanksgiving. They normally host it every year, but he just told me that they were going to Texas to be with his wife’s family this time. I tried all the other kids, and they already had other plans as well. Now, I just got off the phone with my mom, and she told me that Nick will be hosting it, and everyone else is going to be there.”
“That’s OK. We can just have our own Thanksgiving here with just the two of us.”
“No. I just told my mom that we would be going there. She said that it would be fine. She said that the initial plan was for Nick’s family to go to Texas, but that had just changed. I probably just caught him in the middle of something and he was confused.”
“Uuummm, Connie, perhaps it would be better if we just stayed here.”
“No, no. I’m sure that it was just a simple mistake. Besides, all the kids and grandkids will be there. Even April will be there, and she’s bringing her girlfriend. Now, I need to make hotel reservations before everything is booked up.”
[Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer Ringtone]
“Hey, Granma. What’s up?”
“Hello, Nick. I think that I just made a mistake.”
“How’s that?”
“Well, I got off the phone with your mother a bit ago, and I started thinking about the conversation being rather odd. I think that I may have screwed up a bit and I should call you.”
“Oh, crap. It’s about Thanksgiving, isn’t it?”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. I didn’t realize at the time that there was probably a reason that she wouldn’t be invited. Unfortunately, I think that I spilled the beans on it. She is making hotel reservations to be here with Stan.”
“That’s OK, Granma. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I’ll just let everyone else know, so that they can prepare for it. It might get a bit messy, but what’s the fun of a holiday with the family without a few fireworks?”
“OK, Dear. I do understand your feelings, but please remember that, regardless of what a psychobitch she is, she’s still my daughter.”
“I know, Granma. I can assure you that everyone will be polite and respectful to HER. Asswipe? Not so much.”
“I understand, and I will probably be joining right along with you. After all, I really like Dan. It’s too bad that he couldn’t come out this year.”
“Yeah. We were going to pay to fly him out, but that injury prevents him from flying for a while. He should be able to come out for Christmas, though. I already discussed it with everyone, and they all think that they can make it for at least a day or two.”
“Well, that’s good. At least he will have a nice dinner and some company in the hospital for the day.”
“Yeah. The nurses and doctors really love him. It’s also good that he can’t drink while he’s there. Hopefully, he can sober up for a while. It really hurts all of us to see what’s happening to him, but there’s really not much that we can really do about it. He’s so broken from losing the love of his life and the way it happened, that he just lost his entire reason for living.”
“I know. All we can do is hope, pray, and give him all the support we can.”
“We try, Granma. OK. I need to get going. I have a bunch of calls to make.”
“OK. Bye, Dear. Give the kids a kiss for me.”
Thanksgiving Day:
[Doorbell chimes]
“Oh. Hi, Mother. Sorry, I forgot to tell you about the change of plans. You called when I was in the middle of something, and the change of plans wasn’t really finalized yet. I didn’t call, because Granma said that she had already talked to you. Come on in; you’re just in time. We were just about to sit down for dinner.”
“NICK! You just closed the door in Stan’s face!”
“Who?”
“Stan! My fiancé!”
“You mean Fuckface? Oh, sorry. Didn’t see him there.”
“I really wish that you guys would just grow up and accept the fact that Dan and I are getting a divorce, and that Stan and I are getting married.”
“Mother, how long has that vein been popping out of your forehead?”
“Oh, for Christ sake.”
“Anyway, everyone just sat down, but we were expecting you, so we already have a place set. You are over there between your sister and Julie.”
“But, Nick. There’s only one place there. Where is Stan supposed to sit?”
“Who?”
“Stan! Oh, for God’s sake. FINE! ASSWIPE! FUCKFACE! DICKHEAD! WERE THE HELL IS MY FIANCE SUPPOSED TO SIT?”
[Hilarious laughter]
“Oh. Sorry. Forgot about him. Go sit down and I’ll take care of it.”
“Here. All set. I got him set up in the corner over there.”
“But Nick. Those are dog bowls, and there isn’t a chair or table there.”
“I’m sorry, but everything else is already being used. We have a lot of people here, so these bowls are all that is available. As you can see, all the chairs are already in use, and there is no more room at the table. Don’t worry. I’m sure that a person of his moral fiber is more than used to eating like this. We can all throw a few scraps into his dish for him. He should have plenty to eat. I’ll even put some water in the other bowl for him to drink.”
“You didn’t even get him any silverware! Are you seriously expecting him to just eat with his hands? He’s not a dog, you know!”
“Of course, he’s not a dog! Good God, Mother! Do you really think that I would insult innocent, loyal animals like that? Besides, all the silverware is already being used.”
“Call me when you need me to come back and pick you up, Connie.”
[Door slams]
“Bye, Asswipe” in multiple harmony.
6-months later:
[Darth Vader Theme Ringtone]
“Hi, Mother. What’s up?”
“April. Where are you? The service is about to start.”
“First off, I’m in Germany. Didn’t I tell you I was being deployed there? Second, what service?”
“MY WEDDING! Stan and I are getting married today. You are supposed to be here. You’re one of my bridesmaids”
“Ooops. My bad. Must have forgotten. Oh well. It’s not like marriage vows mean anything to you two anyway. Be sure to send me a picture. Sorry, I’m on duty. Got to run.”
“April. April! APRIL! Shit. She hung up. Fuck!”
[Death March Ringtone]
“Hi, mom.”
“Julie! Where are you? The ceremony is about to start.”
“Oh. Is that today? Shit!”
“Well hurry over. I can stall for a little bit, but the girls need to get in their Flower Girl dresses, and you in your Maid of Honor dress. Fuck! Also, do you know where Nick is? His son is the Ring Bearer, and Nick is supposed to walk me down the aisle!”
“Damn, mom. I’m sorry. I forgot. Unfortunately, I can’t make it. Dad had to go to the hospital again, and I’m with him. I can’t just leave him here alone. Haven’t seen Nick, either. Sorry. I’m sure that there are a couple of other little girls that you can get for flower girls. Send me some pictures. Maybe I can come by towards the end of the reception later this evening. Got to go, they’re about to take Dad back. Bye.”
“Julie! Fuck!”
[Devil Went Down to Georgia Ringtone]
“Hey, mom. What’s up?”
“Nick! Are you almost here?”
“Almost where, mom?”
“At the church! Are you almost here at the church?”
“Church? What church? And why would I be at a church today? Sunday isn’t until tomorrow.”
“What the hell is wrong with everyone today? At the church for my wedding! Your son is the ring bearer, and you are supposed to walk me down the aisle! The service is supposed to start in a couple of minutes!”
“Oh, shit. That’s today?”
“Yes! It’s today! Now, please tell me that you are almost here.”
“‘Fraid not, mom. We’re still at home.”
“You mean that you are still at your Hotel? How far away is that?”
“No, mom. I mean that we are still at HOME. We must have forgotten about it and never made flight or hotel reservations. Besides, June was scheduled to work today. We can try to be there next weekend, though.”
“Oh, fuck. This is a disaster. April is in Germany and Julie is at the hospital with Dan. Maybe I can find Gabe to walk me down the aisle.”
“OK. Good luck. Send me some pictures.”
“Shit, shit, shit, shit.”
[WONK! WONK! WONK! WONK! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! Ringtone]
“Hey, Mom. Haven’t heard from you for a while. What’s up?”
“Gabe! Please tell me that you’re here.”
“Uuuummm, where’s that, mom?”
“Oh fuck. Not you too.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Gabe! Today is my wedding! You’re supposed to be at the church. The ceremony is supposed to start right now!”
“Oh. Sorry. I thought that there was something that was supposed to be going on today.”
“Well, I need you here as fast as you can. Nick was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but he never even came out. I need you to get dressed and get her fast, so you can walk me down the aisle.”
“Oh. Sorry mom. I doubt that I’ll be able to make it until sometime later tonight. Dad had to go into the hospital, and I am watching Julies kids so she can be with him. She called, and it doesn’t sound like she will be back until late this evening at the earliest.”
“Oh. The girls are with you? That’s even better. You can bring them with you. They’re supposed to be the flower girls anyway.”
“Sorry, mom, but Julie has her car seats with her, and I can’t drive the girls anywhere without car seats. Besides, we are really busy cleaning up dad’s apartment. With his health problems, he hasn’t been able to really take care of things for a while. I’ll try to make it for at least part of the reception, but send me some pictures anyway. Sorry, Julie is calling. Got to go.”
“But, but, but…”
Approximately 2-years and 3-months later:
“That was a beautiful service. Dan would have loved it.”
“What are you doing here, Mother? You divorced him, remember?”
“Of course, I remember. I was also reminded of that when Stan and I were forced to sit at the back of the Sanctuary.”
“Well, the ushers probably didn’t want any collateral damage from the lightning bolts. I’m surprised that Asswipe didn’t burst into flames when he entered the church.”
“Very funny, April.”
“So, why are you here?”
“I came to pay my respects to a man who was a large part of my life for a long time.”
“I didn’t even know that you cared that he died.”
“Of course, I care. Unfortunately, I had to find out from the newspaper that he died. You know, it wouldn’t kill any of you to call me every once in a while, to let me know what’s going on. Why do I have to be the one calling all of you?”
“I’m really not sure. It may have something with the way you destroyed my dad.”
“I did not do that to him. I tried to be amicable in the divorce.”
“Really? You forget that I read the divorce petition. I know exactly what your demands were.”
“That was just supposed to be a starting point. He was supposed to get a lawyer and make a counter offer. He didn’t.”
“Of course, he didn’t, mother. You had just killed him. The one true, great love of his life had just blindsided him with the news that she had been cheating on him for over a year, then served him with a divorce ON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY! Why was he going to fight when he had nothing left to fight for? You stabbed him in the heart when you confessed to your cheating and gave him the divorce petition. He actually died when the judge banged the gavel ending your marriage. It just took a couple of years for his heart to finally stop beating.”
“Well, that was his choice. I fell in love with someone else and had to move on with my life. He should have just moved on with his. Instead, he decided to crawl inside a bottle of Jim Beam and stay there.”
“Whatever, mom. Now that you paid your lack of respects to him, I suggest that you leave — fast. You see those guys over there that look like NFL linebackers? They were really good friends of dads, and they seem to have just recognized who Asswipe is. They don’t look happy. I suggest you two run.”
“Shit.”
A few years later:
[KNOCK — KNOCK — KNOCK]
“Oh, hello mother.”
“April, why didn’t I get an invitation to your wedding?”
“What do you mean? Of course, I sent you an invitation.”
“I never got it. In fact, I wouldn’t have even known about it if I hadn’t run into Delores at the store yesterday.”
“Well, that’s odd. It must have somehow gotten lost in the mail, but I thought sure that we had received your RSVP. We just went over the final place settings with the caterer last night. You will be sitting at the head table, right beside me.”
“Oh, good. By the way, how come you never brought your girlfriend by so I could meet her? Especially, since you are getting married.”
“What do you mean you’ve never met her? She was there for Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. I’m sure that you met her then.”
“No, honey. Don’t you remember? We were told that we were not to come, because Dan was going to be there. Nick was very adamant about that. He spent a lot of money to fly him in, and he was afraid that having Dan and I in the same room would be disastrous.”
“Oh, right. I forgot.”
“Well, you could have brought her by some other time.”
“Yeah, unfortunately, I am only given a certain amount of leave. Also. Between having to fly back from Europe, then get back again, it takes a lot of time. We don’t really come back that much. Now that my enlistment is up, we should have a lot more time to be here. That’s why we were waiting to get married.”
“Oh, good. I can’t wait to have you visit more.”
“OK, mom. You should get to your seat. The ceremony is about to start.”
“Oh. That’s another thing that I needed to ask you about. I’m the mother of the bride. I should be sitting in the front, but they stuck us all the way in the back.”
“Well, didn’t you show the usher your invitation? They are supposed to seat people based on the invitation. People who didn’t bring an invitation are to be seated in the back.”
“April, I told you that we never got it. Can’t you tell someone that we need to be moved up to the front?”
“Sorry, mom. I think that the front is already full. You know, with Nick and his family, Julie’s kids and her date, along with Gabe and his girlfriend. I think that the front pew is already full. Besides, the ceremony is starting in about another minute or two, so there isn’t time for me to find someone and get you moved closer. Speaking of which, I really need to get moving. See you at the reception.”
A couple hours later:
“April. There you are. I need to find out when and where the pictures are going to be taken, so Stan and I could be there and be in the pictures. I’ve been looking all over for you. By the time Stan and I got out of the church, you were gone.”
“Oh, that’s why you weren’t there. I was looking for you so you could be in them. As family of the bride, you were supposed to be ushered out with the rest of the family in front. Why didn’t you just follow the rest of the family to the waiting limousines? I was really disappointed that you weren’t there. Unfortunately, the pictures are already done, and the photographer is gone. Anyway, did you find your seat?”
“First off, April, I told you right before the ceremony that the ushers sat us at the back of the church. We were the last row that was let out. By the time we went outside, there were no limousines there. Second, there was only my seat at the head table. We need to bring in another seat beside me for Stan.”
“I’m sorry, mom, but the head table is full. Since Asswipe’s name wasn’t included in the RSVPs, I just assumed that he wasn’t coming. That’s OK. I’m sure that we can probably find a seat for him somewhere in the room.”
Two weeks later:
[Darth Vader Theme Ringtone]
“Hello, Mother.”
“April! I am very disappointed in you.”
“Oh, I’m doing great, mother. Aruba was fantastic, mother. Christy and I had a wonderful time, Mother. The weather there was perfect, mother. Thank you for asking how my honeymoon went, mother.”
“Don’t smart talk me, young lady. I just want you to know that Stan was totally humiliated by your behavior at the wedding.”
“Well, it was his own fault for being there in the first place. Perhaps he should learn not to crash a party that he isn’t invited to.”
“Did you have to put him at the table with all your gay male guests? They kept hitting on him all night.”
“No, mother. I didn’t have to put him there. I put him there because I wanted to and it made me laugh.”
“And for the Father/Daughter dance, you completely ignored him, even though he is your step-father. Instead, you chose to dance with your bride’s step-father as she danced with her real father. You should have danced with Stan.”
“Actually, Christy and I switched partners half way through the dance, so she could dance with both of them. Furthermore, do you really think that I would allow that scumbag to touch me?”
“But, why did you refuse to dance with him during the Dollar Dance? He was going to give you a $100 bill during the dance.”
“He would have needed a semi-truck load of them before I even considered letting him touch me.”
“April. I am warning you. If you don’t stop this attitude with me and your uncivilized behavior towards Stan, you are in serious jeopardy of losing any relationship with me.”
“Well, Thank God, Mother. It’s taken long enough.”
“What do you mean?”
“Seriously, Connie? Are you really that stupid? When was the last time Nick, Julie, Gabe, or I called you? Ever since you admitted your affair with Shithead and divorced my daddy, not a one of us has initiated a single communication with you. In fact, we have actually gone out of our way to avoid seeing you. Ever wonder why you only go to events that you accidently find out about? Do you really believe that your invitation to my wedding was lost in the mail? Does it ever occur to you to wonder why Julie never asks you to babysit anymore, or why the only time that you ever see your grandchildren is when you show up to their house uninvited? Do you seriously believe that we forgot your wedding date? We all marked it on our calendars so that we could make sure that we made sure that we had other commitments and were not accidentally free that day. Well, let me lay it out for you. The day you sprang the divorce on my daddy is the same day that your relationship with us as our mother died. Not only did you kill him, you killed our relationship with you too. None of us had initiated communication with you since that day. So, your little threat is invalid. None of us have had a relationship with you for a long time already. Please do us all a favor and lose our numbers. Don’t call us. Don’t come and visit us. Don’t text, email, facetime, or communicate with us in any way, shape, or form. Leave us ALONE! You are dead to us!”
“Oh God. What have I done?”