Blind Date

I landed in San Francisco late Friday morning and checked into my hotel. It was the first time I’d been anywhere since Glenn died. It felt strange traveling alone.

I ignored my thoughts and got ready to meet up with my Navy buddy, Ernie Shuler. We were going fishing, which wasn’t really my scene.

Ernie was getting married tomorrow and I was in town for the wedding. I hadn’t seen him in several years, but we’d become brothers in RTC and we’d stayed close ever since.

I met him and his two groomsmen at the dock and we climbed aboard. The captain of the fishing boat thought it was amusing to have four Navy men on board. We joked back about how tiny his boat was.

After several hours and a few beers, we were back on land and hanging out in Ernie’s Best Man’s backyard. It was nice to catch up and I forgot about the actual wedding the next day for a while.

I’d seriously considered not coming to this wedding. I loved Ernie and his fiancée Nicole was amazing. But I lost my husband to cancer six months ago. A wedding was going to be hard.

Friday with the guys was great and I was so glad I had come after all. But back in my hotel, looking at my uniform, I was starting to get stuck in my sorrows all over again.

At the last wedding I’d attended, Glenn’s uniform had hung beside mine on the night before. We’d celebrated alongside his sister and her new husband.

I hadn’t spoken to any of the McGuiness’s since right after the funeral. They’d been my family and then they just weren’t. I didn’t contact them and they didn’t contact me.

There hadn’t been a falling out, there just wasn’t any reason to stay in touch. Our connection to each other, Glenn, was gone. We didn’t have kids or own a house or anything like that, so the family ties died when he did.

I still saw his sister’s Facebook posts and I knew she was pregnant, but I didn’t even “like” the photos. I lurked where she couldn’t see me. I’m not entirely sure why.

I slept fitfully and awoke filled with apprehension. I walked across the street and got a giant hot coffee. Back in my room I very slowly pulled on my Full Dress Blue uniform. I imagined Glenn fussing over my medals and my gloves and hat.

I pulled myself back into the present and stared in the mirror at Lt. Commander Blake Cameron, decorated Naval Junior Officer. I needed to be this version of myself today and put Blake, the husband of the deceased Lt. Glenn McGuiness-Cameron aside. My training would keep me calm. It had to.

At the Temple I milled around with other sailors and guests until it was time to take our seats. Ernie and Nicole were married and a glass was stomped. I stood and clapped and cheered as they walked back down the aisle, married and glowing with possibility.

There were shuttles provided to take guests to the hotel where the reception was being held. I sat at the hotel bar with some other guests while we waited for the party to start. I made small talk, but I couldn’t tell you what it was now.

I wanted another drink, but I wasn’t going to get drunk in uniform. That was just not done. I nursed a Coke with lime that looked like a cocktail instead.

It was a typical wedding reception with a nice luncheon buffet. The cheerfulness was starting to get to me though. I returned to the hotel bar for a break from the general celebratory atmosphere. I was starting to flag.

Ernie found me at the bar and asked how I was doing. I smiled and hugged him again, telling him I was doing great. It was his wedding day. I wasn’t going to drag him down no matter how much I wanted to talk to my buddy about my pain.

Before he headed back into the party, I told him I was going to call it a day. I was tired from traveling and a little overwhelmed. We hugged again and we promised to catch up soon. I made my escape.

Back in the hotel, I removed my stiff and heavy uniform and hung it with care in the closet where I didn’t have to look at it. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt and ventured out into the city. It was only three in the afternoon and I might as well see San Francisco while I could.

I walked through The Castro and enjoyed the Saturday afternoon bustle among the rainbow painted streets and buildings. I compared it to Boystown back home. The fact that it wasn’t flat was the main difference.

I had a late lunch in a little café, sitting outside to enjoy the California weather a bit more. A couple walked past, kissing and squeezing each other tightly. I missed Glenn again.

Glenn had been as white and as vanilla as you could get. He was so straight-laced, I’m surprised he could actually be gay. But he loved me and I loved him. He promised to be faithful and to stay with me forever. I took that offer and it lasted five short years.

We’d met at a training event and dated long distance for a few months. He was able to transfer to my location and we dated in person for eight more months. We got married after a year of having met and we were married for five years before he passed.

Glenn wasn’t feeling well for a few weeks when we started seeing doctors. We were told repeatedly it was an infection of some sort and he was put on heavy antibiotics. He felt so sick taking those meds.

When he’d finish a course, he’d feel better, but only the symptoms of his reactions to the antibiotics would go away. His original illness persisted. Many doctors and many frustrations later, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer. No one had found it in six months. I was so angry.

Before we had time to come up with a plan, Glenn took a turn and died just two weeks after his diagnosis. I wanted to beat the crap out of every one of those doctors that gave him medicines for an infection. My anger was unbearable. My sorrow was absolute.

Six months later, I was still sad and mad, but it was manageable. I’d seen a doctor at the VA and they had given me some antidepressants. I had bi-weekly counseling for a while. I was still seeing the therapist, weekly now.

I was starting to feel like myself before this trip. I hoped I hadn’t set myself back by coming here to attend a wedding. According to my mom, I needed to start dating again. I needed to have sex. I’m sure she could hear my eyes rolling over the phone when she’d told me that.

My mom was originally from Mississippi and she lived in Atlanta, which is where I was born. She knew I was gay before I did. She was an advocate and an ally, even when that was a difficult thing for a Christian southern single black mother to be. She was my number one supporter in everything I’d ever done.

The happy couple continued to grope one another on the street and I thought about her words. Maybe I really did need to get laid. Now would be the perfect time. I was on a mini vacation a half a world away from home. Anonymous sex sounded tempting.

I slowly headed back to my hotel, turning everything over in my mind. Thinking about sex made me think about my relationship with my husband.

Glenn was a boring lover. We had sex on schedule, twice a week. We used the same position almost every time. Glenn would fuck me doggy first and then he’d finish with me face down, flat on the bed, underneath him.

He’d come without much fanfare and then he’d jerk me off if I hadn’t come myself yet. I nearly never did come from fucking. Glenn didn’t have a big dick or much skill, so he didn’t get me off from penetration. I’d take over jerking myself off at some point and he’d quietly watch until I came.

It hadn’t always been that boring, but it was that way for the vast majority of our relationship. I truly loved Glenn and he was enough for me. I hadn’t really had a lot of boyfriends or hook-ups even before I met Glenn.

Glenn was my type. He was white, thin and pale. He had reddish blonde hair and green hazel eyes. His dick was a little over six inches, but he could get hard quickly, so that was something.

When we’d been transferred to Great Lakes, we’d met a few other gay couples. They immediately assumed I was the top in our relationship.

I was an inch shy of six feet and quite muscular. My arms and back were covered in tattoos. I’m black, with closely trimmed hair and a clean shaven face. I was the more outgoing of the two, the more confident personality in our marriage.

I had a big dick, bigger than Glenn. I was about seven and half inches. I could top, but I loved to bottom. Glenn was a closet top, which always made me laugh. He’d rather tell people he was the bottom than deal with the surprised looks when people learned the truth.

I dated a few black guys, but they always thought I acted too white to be a black guy. My skin is medium brown and my features are unmistakably African and Caribbean. But I was highly educated, well spoken and militant in my behavior, as befitted my rank and position in the Navy.

I went into the Navy at eighteen. I’d gotten my bachelor’s and master’s degrees while in the service and I’d become a commissioned officer. I climbed the ranks steadily and I worked as a mid-level administrator at the VA Hospital in Waukegan, IL.

Great Lakes was located just north of Chicago. It was home for the last two years. I planned on staying here until I retired. I liked the area and it didn’t remind me of Atlanta. Glenn hadn’t wanted to stay here, but now that he was gone, I was ready to settle in.

I had started the house search before I came to San Francisco for this wedding. I wanted out of the housing I’d shared with Glenn. I needed to move on physically and emotionally.

Speaking of physical, I thought about having sex again. Glenn and I stopped having sex when he was ill. Neither of us had the energy for it. It had been close to a full year at this point. I only masturbated when I absolutely needed to, which sadly wasn’t often.

I’m thirty years old. I’m a virile, young black man. I should be jerking off daily, or at least almost daily. I should be having hot sex. Why was I so boring and old feeling? I needed to listen to my mom. I should have sex. Now.

I looked online for a hook-up, but nothing really tempted me. I closed the app due to the random guys that kept reaching out. Nothing appealing presented itself. I decided to take a shower and chill out for a while. Maybe someone better would show up online in an hour or two.

Showered and relaxing on the big hotel bed, I let two hours drift by and I considered just calling it a night. But my mom’s voice rang out in the back of my mind again and I decided to try one more time. I should seize this unique situation and get laid.

I got on Grindr and checked out the available men. I was about ready to give up when a new guy, really close by, popped up online. I checked out his profile. He was incredibly good looking and a top. He called himself a “hung top” which was intriguing.

I sent him a text. “Hey, I’m Blake. I’m looking to get laid and you’re fucking gorgeous. Want to meet up?”

I twisted my hands nervously while I waited for him to answer.

“Hey Blake. You’re pretty attractive yourself. What are you looking for tonight?”

“A vacation hook-up. I’m in town for the weekend for a wedding. I like your pictures.”

“Where are you staying?”

I gave him my hotel info and room number and paced nervously for the next twenty minutes. I looked at his profile over and over.

His name was Dex and he was twenty eight. His pictures showed off his perfect body, while still decently clothed. There weren’t any pictures of his naked dick online, which was refreshing.

He was tall and thin, blonde and blue eyed. He looked like a model with perfect hair. He worked at a salon, so that made sense. He was a white guy that wanted to top a black guy. That was good enough.

When Dex arrived, he seemed nervous, which actually made me feel less so. I smiled and invited him in. Before I could stop myself I blurted out TMI.

“Thanks for coming. I just wanted to let you know I’ve never done this before and I’m a little nervous. I hope that’s okay.”

“Yeah, that’s more than okay. It’s also my first time doing this and I’m pretty nervous too.” He paused and looked around the room and then back at me. “Is that a wedding ring?”

What? I hadn’t realized I was fiddling with the gold band on my left hand. “Yeah, it is. My husband died of cancer six months ago. I’m still not ready to take the ring off.”

Oh crap. I’d probably killed the mood with that confession.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” He mumbled something else, but I was nearly panicking so I missed it.

“Sorry, that’s a lot of baggage for a hook-up. I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.” I needed to let this poor guy off the hook. What a moron I was.

“No, you didn’t. I’m sorry. I’m recently off a divorce myself. I was cheated on and I didn’t want to be the guy someone cheated with.” Dex looked at me with compassion, understanding maybe.

“Sounds like we both need this.” I hoped this could turn around. Dex was beautiful and I wanted him.

“Yeah, we do.” Dex smiled and stepped closer to me.

He ran my hands down my arms and then pulled my shirt off over my head. His eyes were glued to my tight and toned bare chest. I moved closer and kissed his neck. He was so perfect, I needed to feel him.

I undid his buttons as we pulled at each other’s clothing. Finally, we were getting down to the task at hand. I was going to have sex! Thank goodness.

We moved onto the bed and kept kissing and caressing until we were both totally nude. It was more passionate than anything I’d experienced in years and years. His soft lips explored my body, lightning up all my nerve endings.

I needed to touch him, taste him. I moved until he was on his back, spread open for my pleasure. His penis was enormous. He’d said it was just shy of ten inches and I almost thought he was underselling it. I craved it as I reached for him.

I sucked Dex into my mouth and deep throated him. I hadn’t done this in years and never with a man this large, but I was so into it, it felt amazing to choke on his thick white shaft. I was lost in the sensation when he stopped me.

“You’re going to make me come, Blake. I need your ass, now!” His hands were pulling at me, signaling me to change positions. I smiled at him as I climbed into his waiting lap.

He’d brought condoms and lube so I grabbed one from the night stand and rolled it down his rigid pole. I lubed my ass hole and his erection. I felt more turned on than I could remember ever being before.

“I want you to fuck me hard, Dex.” My words surprised me but I was lowering myself onto his huge cock and I knew it was true. It was so big I had to really work to take him in. It stung and burned and I wanted all the pain and the pleasure.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on taking him inside me. His hands held my waist to support me as my legs shook with the effort. I felt my bottom meet his lap and I opened my eyes. His blue eyes stared into mine and I smiled at him. His grin made me dizzy and squirmed on top of him, causing jolts of pleasure to shoot through both of us.

“Fuck, you feel amazing Blake. I’ll fuck you as hard as you need.” He said it so lovingly and like it was a promise. He looked at our connected bodies with a satisfaction that made my heart race.

I started to ride his dick, up and down his thick length. It felt amazing, even with no real rhythm to it. The friction was intense and I needed more and more. He must have felt it too because he started to take control.

Dex gripped my hips and started to thrust up to meet my movements. The pace got faster and faster, the sensations were now incredible and nearly too much, but I wanted it all.

“Fuck! Dex, yes, fuck yes! Ohhhhhhh, fuck me!” I had to brace myself against his shoulders for support as he did just what I asked. He fucked me harder and faster until I was screaming.

“Take it, Blake! Take that cock!” His words and movements pointed to his impending climax.

I took all the cock he could give me. I felt my own orgasm racing through my body and I let it crash over me. I know I threw my head back and screamed as my cum shot out. My body was clenching and throbbing everywhere as I came in massive spurts.

I was barely aware when Dex came beneath me. He pulled me down onto his giant cock as his body filled the condom inside me. Limp, I fell forward onto Dex’s heaving chest. I rolled off him and nestled into his warm, sweaty body. His cologne and our sex filled my nostrils. It felt life changing.

“I haven’t come that hard since I was in boot camp.” I admitted.

“That was amazing. I’ve never seen anyone shoot a load like that. It made me come just watching it.”

“I haven’t had sex in close to a year and I barely masturbate anymore. I think the last time I came was two weeks ago, maybe longer.” Again I offered way too much info.

“No wonder you hit the fucking wall behind me! You said we needed it and clearly you were right. Fuck, Blake, that was fucking hot.” Dex smiled down at me. He was not what I expected from a vacation hook-up.

“Do you want to get some delivery and then maybe have round two?” I asked him tentatively.

“Fuck yeah! I’m starving and I could definitely go for another round or two with you.” His grin made my body throb and my heart race again.

We had fresh sushi delivered and it was incredible. We sat on the bed, smiling and laughing while eating our late dinner. Dex was kind of perfect. Beautiful, funny, smart and charming. I was glad I’d met him, even if it was for this one night.

We talked a little bit about our past relationships. Glenn’s death and Dex’s messy divorce. It felt good to talk about it, oddly enough. He changed the subject and talked about his twin sister, which was interesting.

After we ate, we both cleaned up from dinner and I was totally ready for another hard fuck. Twice in one night was a record for me. I’d never ever done that before but I needed it badly.

When he came out of the restroom I was waiting for him. I watched him from my reclined position as he stalked towards the bed. His gold hair reminded me of a lion and I was his willing prey.

He climbed on the bed and immediately took my erection into his mouth. I touched him everywhere I could reach as he devoured me. But I needed more.

“Fuck me, Dex. I need you again.” I said it softly but he heard and he came up and started to kiss me tenderly. He quickly lubed up my hole and put on another condom.

“I’m going to make you scream my name again.” He moved in closer as he said it and pushed into me, filling me with his huge manhood.

“Fuck! Yes, Dex. Oh god, I need you!” My whole body quaked and I lay back and enjoyed all of it.

“I need you too, Blake.” He said it sweetly and then he started to fuck me furiously. It felt…….. indescribable.

He shifted between several positions, changing the angle until he was making me scream in pleasure. He knew how to hit all the right spots and I tried to take even more.

He was like a machine, keeping his intense pace until I was thrashing and screaming. He grabbed my cock, pumping it in time with his brutal thrusts. I came extremely hard again just as he did too.

He gently pulled out and let me relax back into the mattress. I reached for him and pulled him into my arms. I probably shouldn’t have, but I didn’t care right then.

“Thank you.” I whispered my gratitude into his warm skin. It was all I could think to say as my body hummed with deep satisfaction.

“Thank you, Blake.” I heard his raw honesty. We both had needed each other more than I think we realized yet.

We lay tangled together, enjoying the silent aftermath of our incredible sex. I enjoyed it as long as I could. I knew it was over though.

Sure enough, Dex must have had the same thought. “I need to head home. You have an early flight tomorrow.” He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed.

“I really can’t thank you enough for tonight Dex. I needed this and you have been so kind and amazing. Not to mention the best fuck I’ve probably ever had.” Honest and accurate. Very me.

“I needed it too. Thank you, Blake. I had an amazing time. Look me up if you’re ever back in the bay area.” He was nice until the very last second. I walked him to the door and hugged him goodbye.

After he left I felt numb. Within seconds I was crying uncontrollably. I decided to shower and try to get some sleep. I cried during the whole shower.

In the dark, I lay awake thinking about a million things. I loved and missed Glenn but I didn’t want to be alone. I’d just had the best sex of my life and I felt so relieved. It was a strange mix of emotions. I finally fell asleep at some point.

I flew home on Sunday morning, my head higher in the clouds then my plane. The late April weather in Chicago was as crazy as I’d grown to expect. It was sunny when I landed and it felt like it might snow by the time I made it home, less than an hour north of the airport.

I was glad to get back to work and my regimented military life. For a time. But it didn’t last. I felt like it was time to change. I was scared and excited. I called my mom to talk about it.

“My baby!” She screamed into the phone upon answering.

“Hey, Mom, how are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you? How was that wedding in California? I haven’t gotten to talk to you since then.”

“I’m alright, back to being busy at work and still looking for a house. The wedding was good. I left a little early, but otherwise I did alright.”

“That’s good, sweetheart. You sound different. Did you have sex?”

“What the hell, Mom? Geez.” She could be so creepy sometimes.

“That’s not an answer, Blake. Tell me what happened.”

“Mom, I love you but I’m still not telling you about my sex life.”

“I don’t want details, smartass. Did you meet someone? Tell me what happened and you know what I mean.”

“I met a nice guy in California and we hung out. I came home the next day. That’s all that happened.”

“I’m happy for you, sweetie. Is he military?”

“No, he’s a hairdresser and he manages a salon. I’m never going to see him again though, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, fine. Do you feel better?” Or guilty? She didn’t ask that but I knew that’s what she meant. We’d had this discussion before and my answers evolved over time as I healed.

“I actually do. I felt better right away. You were right. Happy now?” I just said what she wanted to hear. She would have dragged it out over the next fifteen minutes, so I just dropped it right in front of her and moved on.

“Your mother is always right, boy!” I could hear the smirk in her voice. Just like she could hear my eyes rolling all the way in Georgia.

I told her I was ready to go out with friends, but not necessarily ready to date. But getting back to my social life sounded and felt right. My friends hadn’t stopped inviting me out, but now I was ready to accept instead of declining.

A few days later I reached out to my usual gym partner, Tom. He and his wife Gia were locals and the people I still saw more often than anyone else. We set up a small get together at their family lake house in Wisconsin for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend. I had something to look forward to.

When the time came, I drove up to the tiny cabin on a small, private lake. It was quiet out there and that didn’t scare me like it had months ago. I used to fear being totally alone with my thoughts, but that was getting better all the time.

The weekend was fun and laid back. We cooked out for every meal and we caught up without rehashing ancient history. It felt good and not stunted and awkward like all my conversations had been right after the funeral.

I actually didn’t want to head back to work on Tuesday, which was a lot more like old times, too. I always went to work, but I’m human so I didn’t always want to.

As June began I decided to reach out to my gay friends in the city. It was harder to hang out with them without Glenn as everyone was in a couple. But I missed them and I really wanted to put myself out there, in a fashion.

Tom and Gia were great, but they were more reserved and “normal” than my gay family. Not that my friends were wild, but they were a bit more out there than the suburban straight couple.

Rob and Dirk were ecstatic to hear from me and to hear that I wanted to hang out. I was glad they were glad, but also suspicious, because time had taught me to be suspicious of that pair. They always had something up their sleeves.

They invited me to dinner at their place, which sounded safe enough. I got dressed in nice clothes and put on cologne for the first time in forever. Glenn never really liked cologne, so it was rare that I wore it. But I liked it, so I dabbed it on.

I stopped and bought a good bottle of wine and a giant bouquet of carnations, which I knew Dirk loved. They were all bright colors and variegated varieties. Seeing them on my passenger seat gave me mixed feelings.

I was excited about a nice dinner with friends, but Glenn used to fill that seat and hold the flowers and wine. I took a deep breath and blew it out. I didn’t want to cry, which was a big step forward. I was healing, slowly. That made me smile to myself.

I arrived at the brownstone that they’d been renting for twelve years. I knocked and heard excited screaming as Dirk ran from the kitchen to open the door.

“You’re here!” He yelled as he pulled me into a crushing hug. “We’re so glad to see you, Blake. Come in, come in!”

By the time Dirk released me and took the wine and flowers, Rob had arrived at the door to welcome me as well. He smiled brightly and hugged me, saying nice welcoming things into my ear quietly.

Luckily dinner was nearly ready so there wasn’t time to get stuck in a weird conversation. Instead I helped finish setting the table, which had four place settings on it. What were they up to? I fought the desire to interrogate or run away.

Dirk placed the carnations, now in a gorgeous art glass vase on the table as the doorbell rang. He grinned at me mischievously and darted to the door. I tried to calm my surge of nerves. It felt like a trap.

I could hear him screaming at the new arrival, just as he had when I’d arrived a few minutes before. I headed back into the kitchen where I hoped to find the calmer Rob. But I just missed him as he also went to greet the person at the door.

Soon my hosts and the new guest came into the kitchen. The new arrival was a good looking guy, of course. I tried desperately to not roll my eyes at this whole setup.

“Bradley, this is our dear friend Blake. Blake, this is Bradley.” Dirk introduced us, grinning like the Cheshire cat the whole time.

“Nice to meet you Bradley.” I shook his hand.

“Likewise, Blake.” Bradley smiled politely.

On the surface, I understood this whole scene. Bradley was a thin white guy with light brown hair and big blue eyes. He seemed nice and I’d have to assume, single. This was a set up, in which I had no interest. But I decided to play it cool and see where this dinner went.

Everyone sat at the table and Rob and Dirk carried the conversation at first but then it shifted. Dirk started asking loaded leading questions to both Bradley and I. He alluded to our shared single statuses with no subtlety whatsoever.

Bradley seemed like a really nice guy, but I didn’t want any part of this right now. I’d barely gone back to being somewhat social and I’d had a one night fling while all the way across the country. But dating, I wasn’t ready for that at all.

I felt no attraction to Bradley. I’d been instantly attracted to Dex. Whether that was because of the fact that I’d sought out a hook up with purpose or if Dex just had that “thing”, Bradley was nothing like that.

Bradley was a slightly darker version of Glenn and right now, that was the last thing I wanted. Can you imagine trying to hook up with a man who could have been cut from the same cloth as your recently dead husband? I couldn’t and I didn’t want it, in any way.

By the time dinner was over and we’d moved into the living room to enjoy our wine and an after dinner cheese plate, I was already over it. No one had flat out said ” hey, you and Bradley should get together”, but it was all over all three of their faces. I was sure they’d prepped Bradley before he’d arrived tonight.

I excused myself to the kitchen to top off my wine, which was just an excuse to get away from it all for a few seconds. I was startled when Rob addressed me from the doorway.

“So………..what do you think about Bradley?” He smiled innocently.

“Honestly?” I was ready to fight and he must have sensed it or read it on my undisguised angry face because he blanched.

“Are you okay?” He stepped closer.

“No, I’m not. I haven’t seen you guys socially like this in eight months and you think the first time we get together is the right time to try to set me up? You couldn’t even give me one opportunity to catch up with you two without pulling this shit?”

“Dirk and I thought this is what you wanted.”

“Why would you think that, Rob? Tell me why that sounded like a good idea?” My voice had gotten louder by now and I heard Dirk headed our way. I imagined Bradley wouldn’t be far behind.

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” Dirk asked with Bradley right behind him, peering into the kitchen over his shoulder, just as I expected.

“Nothing, sweetie, we were just discussing dessert.” Rob smiled and lied outright.

“No we weren’t. What the fuck? I was asking Rob why you guys thought setting me up the very first time you’d seen me was a good idea?” I rarely swore, but this was a good time for it. I was upset and getting angrier by the second.

Bradley disappeared behind Dirk, probably to avoid the drama he’d agreed to be part of. I looked between the two and they both looked worried and a bit guilty.

“Well? Nothing, huh? What a waste of my time. And Bradley’s. I just buried Glenn eight months ago. What’s wrong with you two?” I felt tears fill my eyes. “I’m going home.” I deflated and moved down the hall into their bathroom and locked the door.

I used the bathroom and washed my hands trying to calm myself so I could drive. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t really recognize myself. And yet I looked exactly like Glenn’s widower that had haunted my mirrors months ago.

I was so angry. I knew these two were crazy but this was beyond crazy, it was actually cruel. I nearly jumped out of my skin when someone knocked on the door.

“I’ll be out in a minute.” I called out to the intruder. I looked back down at the sink and waited to hear them walk away, but they didn’t.

I finally turned and whipped the door open to find Dirk standing there. “Can I talk to you in my office?” He seemed really contrite, which I’d never thought he could pull off. I nodded and followed him down the hall.

He closed the office door behind us and he looked at me from his perch near the door. “This is all my doing. Rob tried to talk me out of it.”

That was completely believable. “Why, Dirk? Why do this on the very first social call we’ve had since Glenn died? Why?” I couldn’t hide the hurt in my voice.

“I just wanted you to be happy. But I’m an idiot.” He sat in his desk chair and I sat across from him.

“Seeing you two would have made me happy. This makes me sad and pissed off.” I couldn’t think of what else to say. I was tired and I really just wanted to go home. But I didn’t want to go home. To my house I’d shared with Glenn.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t even think. I was treating it like a break up, but it’s nothing like that. I knew that and yet I still thought it would help. I really am sorry, Blake.”

I released a huge frustrated breath and sunk further into the chair in a deep slouch, which I never did unless I was totally spent. And I felt exactly like that right now. Spent.

“Hey guys, I sent Bradley home. Do you want to come into the living room so we can talk?” Rob had opened the office door as he asked his question calmly.

“Fine.” I said with no inflection at all. I stood and followed Rob, Dirk came along behind me.

I sat on the edge of the couch, ready to leave at a moment’s notice. I didn’t know how to feel, but I was mostly numb.

I listened as the two of them apologized and promised to never do anything like this ever again. I just watched them as they tried to fix their mess. My life was the mess and they had meant well, but I couldn’t really just let it go yet.

Rob grew concerned at my despondent posture and demeanor. And I finally found my words and let some of it out.

“I’m so disappointed and sad, you guys. I was really looking forward to coming here for a nice dinner with friends and now it’s this whole upsetting thing instead. I know you meant well, but I’m the one who’s losing traction. I feel worse now than I have in over a month. I just can’t believe you did this.” I put my hands over my face and tried to disappear.

I heard Rob growl under his breath at Dirk, something along the lines of “I told you”, but I just wished the whole day had never happened.

“Blake, what can I do to fix this?” Rob was earnest in his desire to make it better. In this situation, right at that time, there was nothing that could fix anything.

“Nothing. I shouldn’t have……..I wish I’d……..” I couldn’t come up with anything to say that wasn’t completely rude and/or mean. I deflated even further. “I really just need to go home.” It was barely louder than a whisper.

I looked at them and then I stood. They both shot up to stand as well. They both looked almost panicked. I think the real damage done was finally sinking in for them. They’d set me back, stalled my healing, fucked up my progress.

They could tell I was worse off than I’d been when I’d arrived. They both looked nearly as bad as I felt. I felt bad that they felt bad. It was such a big dramatic mess that didn’t even have to happen. Maybe I should have just bit my tongue. No! I shouldn’t have to. Not with family.

I barely remember saying goodbye and there were no hugs. Everyone was quiet and it was super awkward. I walked to my car with my head hanging low. I went to Tom’s house the next day and chopped firewood for two hours by myself while he and Gia stayed in the house.

Exhausted and sore felt so much better than angry and sad. As I swung that ax over and over, I thought it all through. I wanted to fix things with Rob and Dirk. They deserved one more chance and I wasn’t ready to give up on them and the rest of our crew.

A few days later, I sent out a group message inviting them and six of our closest friends to have breakfast at our usual spot. Maybe a public place would work better for this. Everyone replied quickly.

The nine of us had firm breakfast plans. Me and four couples. I couldn’t avoid this any longer. If I was ever going to be able to hang out with any of my old friends, Glenn’s old friends, I needed to just go for it. It might not work, but I was prepared for that this time.

I did prepare myself. If anyone tried to set me up or get me to date online or whatever, I was ready with practiced responses. I would explain I wasn’t ready and I needed them to give me my space and time to deal with it. I would ask them to just be my friends, not my therapists or a matchmaker.

Somewhat to my surprise, they were all on their best behavior. I instantly knew this was Rob’s doing. He’d learned his lesson and he had shared that lesson with our family group, clearly. Dirk sat as far from me as possible, which I was okay with right at the moment.

Everyone was happy to see me and asked how I was doing without dragging the day down. They four sets of gay men caught me up on what they’d been up to lately. And then talk turned to Pride, which was next weekend.

I was happy when the conversation turned to the upcoming festivities. Leon and Frank were hosting a BBQ since they lived right on the parade route. They always did it up big, decking out their condo, especially the balcony that overlooked the street where the whole celebration would occur. We’d have burgers and hot dogs and plenty of drinks while the parade passed by. It was always fun.

After the parade a bunch of us were going to the festival to see the vendors and all the craziness first hand. Glenn had always hated that part as it was so crowded and hot, but I always wanted to go. This year I would go and enjoy myself. Alone. I was actually starting to be okay with it. Really okay.

That night we’d club hop and end the evening at the biggest, best club in Boystown, where our buddy Stephan was DJing several sets over the weekend. We would all be there when he took the stage. It all sounded fun and I was ready for it.

The week went by quickly and I planned my outfits for the different events. I packed one small backpack and smiled to myself about only having that one bag to deal with all weekend.

Glenn was an over-packer. He’d bring twelve outfits but only wear the three he’d originally planned to wear in the first place. He’d bring six bottles of sunscreen but only use a portion of one bottle. His bags were always heavy and ridiculous. It sometimes felt like it was just to make me crazy. But this time everything was different.

At the BBQ I did get some uncomfortable questions from the friends in the outer ring of our group and some acquaintances. Luckily, none of the questions really upset me. They were just strange and often nosy and unnecessary. At least they seemed that way to me.

The people that didn’t know me at all were actually nice to talk to since they just saw me as Blake, black, gay, single Navy guy. Those conversations were wonderful. I had hope that the weekend wasn’t going to be a total disaster for me after several of those chats.

The festival was extremely enjoyable. The food and drinks were crazy and delicious. The vendors were selling everything you could imagine. Some were racier than others, but the bright rainbow colors everywhere just made me feel good.

I’d taken the train down so I didn’t have to figure out where to leave my car or what to do with it if I was too drunk to drive home. Leon had picked me up at the train station while getting last minute supplies for the party that afternoon.

After the parade and festival, I went back to Rob and Dirk’s place along with a few others to rest and get ready for the clubs later on. Rob was totally normal and I felt happy about that. Dirk was still avoiding me a bit, but I knew it was something he did for me, not because he wanted to stay away.

Dirk had severe foot-in-mouth disease, so he probably just kept his distance to ensure he didn’t say something stupid now that we were working towards moving past everything. Dirk deferred to Rob all weekend, wisely.

I took a nap on the couch in Dirk’s office while some of the others had more cocktails. I was a lightweight, not really much of a drinker, so a nap to recharge was much better for me than more alcohol. I would have been done for the night if I’d tried to drink more now.

It was extremely warm and humid as we started to get ready to go out. I decided against the jeans I’d planned to wear and instead I wore the black, tight fitting shorts I’d worn at the BBQ.

I wore a white, square neck tank top that framed my muscular neck and stretched over my large pecs. It showed off my tattooed arms and the white was a good contrast to my dark brown skin. I wore a thick silver chain that fell in the exact right spot on my neck. It was about as “gay” as I ever dressed. I felt kind of sexy, which was good.

We met up with some of our other friends in front of the leather bar that some of the guys wanted to go to. For those of us not into that, we went to a regular old gay neighborhood pub. We got appetizers and ice cold beers. The music was loud and the party atmosphere was everywhere.

I followed two of the couples around until it was time to go to the big club event where Stephan was DJing. Most of our group found each other outside and we invaded the dance floor en masse. The set was great and I forgot all about my real life as I bounced along with the whole crowd for a while.

As the set wore down, I needed to drink something so I headed to the bar to get a Coke with lime. The crowd was so thick by now, I had to turn sideways to slide between the men filling the space. It was starting to smell sweaty and like stale beer, which I didn’t enjoy at all.

As soon as I was able to get up to the bar, I patiently stood and waited for a bartender, refusing to give up my spot to the pushing and shoving mob that surrounded me.

“Can I buy your drink?” An extremely deep voice said from above me.

“No. Thanks.” I answered without looking at the tall man that asked.

“Are you here with anyone?”

“My friends are right over there.” I gestured to the left, randomly.

“Are you military?” The deep voice persisted with the questions. This one caught me off guard and I finally looked over, and then up at him.

My eyes started at his foot that was propped up on the back of a barstool of another patron beside us. I saw a massive black combat boot with camouflage fatigues tucked into it. As I traced up the long legs, I found the largest thighs I’d ever seen. A military style belt wrapped around the waist of the giant by my side.

His chest and arms were bare, with only a thick, studded leather harness on his upper body. He was the largest, most muscular man I’d ever seen in person. He was covered in dark fur. His neck must have been 24 inches around.

Finally, I saw his face. He was bearded with a shaved head. His dark eyes and thick black lashes watched me closely as I took him in. He was freakishly large. His face looked calm as he awaited an answer. What had he asked me?

I finally remembered he’d asked if I was military so I answered. “Yes, Navy. You?”

He smiled warmly. “No, I just like military surplus.” His deep voice rumbled through my chest.

I just nodded and turned back, hoping a bartender would finally get over to this side of the bar. He still stood beside me, but I ignored him, which wasn’t easy.

He was the antithesis of my type. He looked Hispanic or middle eastern. His dark eyes and lashes made me think it was the latter. He towered over me and I’m five foot, eleven inches tall. He must be six foot six and over three hundred pounds. All of which was muscle from what I could see.

He must work out for hours every day. While I liked fit guys, this was obsessive and strange looking. He was older than me, probably forty or older. He was the poster guy for Muscle Bear Leather Daddy types. No thank you.

I finally ordered my drink and when the bartender passed it to me, the giant dropped a twenty on the bar and told him to keep the change. He’d bought my drink but I still wasn’t into any part of this. I turned to walk away. I didn’t even say thank you since I’d told him I didn’t want him to buy my drink.

I found a fairly open space near a wall so I stood and sipped my drink and looked to see if I could find my friends. They didn’t seem to be where I’d left them. I’d find them later, so it was fine. I just tried to enjoy the music and the atmosphere.

As I finished my drink I felt a presence behind me. I turned and sure enough the giant bear was there. He smiled at me and took my empty cup and tossed it into a nearby garage can.

“Would you like to dance?” He asked, his deep voice surprising me all over again.

“No, not really. You do know what no means, right?” I quirked my head to the side, challenging him.

He put his hands up in surrender and smiled warmly at me. “Sorry. I’m not trying to be a jerk, I swear. I just had to talk to you.”

“You did talk to me. And I declined.”

My even, determined tone only seemed to draw him in, instead of push him away. “I’m Deen.” He stuck his enormous hand out in a friendly gesture.

I just stared at his hand. Why wouldn’t this guy just bug off? I leaned around him and looked into the crowd to find my friends.

He put his hand back down to his side. “I can see above everything. Can I help you look for someone?” He stepped back a little to give me space while offering his assistance.

“I’m good, thanks.” I used the slight space he’d given me to turn and walk away. I needed to find one or more of my friends.

I did spot one couple but they dissolved into the dark beyond the dance floor before I could fight my way through the crowd to get to them. Maybe it was time to call it a night. It was late and I’d lost six people. It sucked to be here alone right now.

As I stood on the edge of the dancefloor, trying to decide, I saw the giant coming my way. Deen, the persistent giant. He walked right up to my side.

“You look lost. Are you sure I can’t help?”

I shook my head no.

“Dance with me?” The music had changed to something poppy and peppy. I was tapping my foot unconsciously, which must have been his sign to try again.

It worked. “Fine. I’m Blake.” I walked away, onto the dance floor. He followed immediately.

I let the music take me and I moved to the beat. I’d always had great rhythm and I was a good dancer. I let loose since I had a riveted audience of one. His eyes were all over me, but he kept a safe distance between us, respectfully.

The next song was a club banger as Dirk would have called it and the dance floor filled with sweat covered, horny homosexuals. I was shoved forward until I was pressed into Deen’s humongous body.

He wrapped his arms around me and our bodies moved together in perfect time with the music. I lost myself in the feeling and rubbed against him suggestively. It probably wasn’t the smartest idea, but I was done thinking and overthinking everything. Tonight was an escape.

His body was rock hard everywhere. I could feel him through his pants and he appeared to be as large there as everywhere else. It made my stomach flutter with need.

Since I’d been with Dex, I’d been consumed with big dicks. I had been watching BWC on black bottoms porn videos. That big cock in California had changed me and I craved more dicks like that. This one felt even bigger.

We were just dancing and it felt like clubbing before I’d met Glenn. You danced with a hot guy and you imagined fucking him but you didn’t actually bed them though. I had no intention of sleeping with the giant, but the fantasy was kind of exciting.

Song after song played on into the night and Deen was right beside me for all of it. He could move that massive body in ways that I knew I’d be thinking about way into the future. I was shocked when the lights came on. It was four in the morning already?

Deen reassured me it was only two. But this club was closing now, so it was time to find my friends and decide where I was going to crash. I hadn’t come up with a firm plan before we’d gone out, which was unlike me.

He’d asked for my number but I said no as nicely as I could. I told him tonight was fun but I was going back to the real world.

This wasn’t real. This was a fantasy night in an alternate reality. I slipped away from him as soon as I found an opening. I moved out onto the street where the humid air actually felt refreshing. I searched for anyone I knew.

I pulled out my phone and I saw that Dirk and Rob had gone home over an hour ago because Dirk had gotten messy drunk. I sent messages to some of the other guys to see where they were. But no one answered.

I was going to have to find an Uber at two in the morning to take me to an expensive hotel or all the way back to the northern suburbs. I wanted to be mad at someone, but I had no one to blame other than myself. I’d let the “let loose for once” attitude go too far and I didn’t have a plan.

I started to walk towards Frank and Leon’s place as that would be my next best option. I could try to wake them or maybe I’d climb their balcony and sleep on one of their longue chairs. I could afford a hotel, but it sounded like such a hassle right now. There weren’t any hotels with vacancies for miles around Boystown during Pride.

I stopped and looked up at the street sign, confused. That wasn’t where I thought I was. I thought I knew the neighborhood pretty well, but I was all turned around now. Maybe it was back the other way. I headed back towards the club to hopefully get my bearings.

“You really look lost this time?” Deen’s deep voice came from the darkness next to the club as he stepped into that light.

“I’m fine. Just got turned around.” I tried to play it off but it was weak, at best. I decided to change the subject. “What about you? Why are you standing around out here?”

“I’m waiting for the valet.” He pointed to the line that wrapped around the corner. “I’m standing over here until the line is gone. I’m in no hurry.” He leaned casually, but still looked like a caricature of a real person.

“Have fun with that. It was nice meeting you.” I turned and walked away. Again.

“Blake, wait!” His big booming voice stopped me in my tracks.

I turned back, oddly hopeful. For what, I’m not really sure.

“Can I give you a ride somewhere?” He stepped closer to me, looking concerned.

“I’m really fine, but thank you.” I didn’t move.

“Do you really have a place to go or not?” Wow. He’d called me out, just like that.

“Not exactly. But I’ll find a way home.” I nodded as I made my decision. I just wanted to go home.

“Let me give you a ride. Please. I’d feel better knowing you got home safely.” He was a gentle giant, apparently.

“I’m capable of taking care of myself. I’m a trained officer in the Navy, after all.” I smirked to indicate I wasn’t actually offended.

“I know you’re capable. But even the most capable need help. It makes you stronger to accept help sometimes, not weaker.”

“Okay, I get it, but I don’t live in the city. I live an hour and a half away. I couldn’t ask you to drive me all the way home.”

“North? I’m heading north myself. Lake Forest. Heard of it?”

“Seriously. Lake Forest? My place is in North Chicago, near the base.”

“Great Lakes! Of course that’s where you’d live.” He laughed and shook his head like he’d just figured out something obvious. I guess he had. “It’s barely out of the way and I’m your very best option. Please let me drive you home, Blake.”

I relented. We stood and talked easily while we watched the line finally dwindle. We got in the back of the now very short line and he handed the valet his ticket. As they ran off to fetch his car, I wondered what kind of vehicle this guy drove. I bet it was a big military style Hummer. It fit his whole “thing” he had going on.

I was surprised when a vehicle pulled up and Deen stepped up to the passenger door and opened it for me. I climbed into the luxurious interior and looked around in disbelief. Deen climbed in and as he exchanged keys with the valet, I saw him slip him a stack of bills as a tip. The tired valet smiled happily at the very last customer, who’d just made his whole night.

“Nice Cadillac.” I said as I looked around the interior of the very new smelling Escalade. “Not what I was expecting.” I bit my tongue, wishing I hadn’t said all that.

“I’m never what people expect. I’m used to it.” He said it amused, but honestly.

Our conversation flowed as we drove north towards the suburbs where we both lived, ironically enough. It wasn’t really that ironic. The northern suburbs of Chicago was one of the most populated places in the country after all.

I guess I just assumed he lived in the city, not way to the north. And in Lake Forest too, which was a wealthy area. I’d looked at one place in Lake Forest several weeks ago but the property taxes were astronomical. I didn’t plan to look at anything else in that area as it was too pricey for my taste, even with my hefty salary.

I learned that Deen was middle eastern and Deen was spelt with two e’s not an ea. His family was originally from Saudi Arabia, but they’d been in Michigan for nearly a hundred years. He was born in Detroit. He had been a professional body builder for more than twenty years. He still worked out every day.

I told him about being born in Atlanta and joining the Navy at eighteen. I told him about my Lt. Commander rank and what I’d done to accomplish that by thirty years old. I told him about my daily workouts. I avoided relationship info all together. He didn’t mention any partners either.

He said something about his hotel room which struck me as odd, so I asked him about it.

“I’m having the plumbing redone at my place. I tried to live in the construction but that lasted four days before I couldn’t take it. I’m in a hotel until my house is completely back together. It’s going to be at least eight weeks.” He shook his head to show his disappointment in the whole situation.

“That sucks. Is it an extended stay place, with a kitchenette and stuff?” I’d stayed in those places several times while traveling for the military and while awaiting base housing to be ready.

“Yes. It’s actually really nice, but it’s not home, you know?”

“Yeah. I’m looking for a new place myself. My current place is haunted. I’m staying in the area permanently, so I’m looking to buy for the first time.”

“Haunted? You’re moving because of ghosts? Really?” He seemed curious and amused.

“It’s haunted with memories and stuff like that. Not actual ghosts.”

“Did you live there with an ex?” Deen asked in the dark as we hit the northern suburbs and the lights of the city faded away.

“Yeah. He died.” I didn’t offer more. I had no intention of offering more.

Deen was quiet as he processed all of that. When he did speak, he took me totally by surprise. “Don’t go back there tonight.”

“I’m sorry, what?” I asked before my brain could process what he meant. But then I figured it out. I sat very still in my seat.

“Stay with me. I can drive you home in the morning.” His voice was so deep when he suggested I stay. It gave me shivers.

“I really should just go home.” I should, but did I want to? I wasn’t into this guy so why was I even considering this. I knew it was because he was so kind to me. That and he had that big cock I’d been craving.

“Can I convince you to stay? Should I quit before I upset you?”

“You’re not upsetting me.” I avoided the other question.

“Blake, please stay with me tonight. I’d love to touch you and make you feel good.” His intense words vibrated around the interior, deep and rich and seductive.

I wanted to stay. It could be another anonymous hook up, I told myself. It would be nothing more. Yeah, it was way closer to home, but I’d never see this giant man again.

“Let’s go to your hotel room.” I committed to this one night stand with those words.

He asked if I was sure, still being a nice guy. I said I was sure and he smiled as he drove on. We exited the highway and wove our way to the extended stay hotel he was living in. I was nervous and excited. I also felt calm because I knew exactly where I was and how to easily get home from here if needed.

He parked his Escalade and we walked into the hotel, side by side, silently. It was nearly four in the morning now. After waiting for the valet and then the drive, it was so late that it was now actually early.

He held the suite door open for me. His room was nice and cool, the air conditioning cranking out icy cold happiness.

“Would you like to take a shower? I know we were both getting sweaty on the dance floor.” He sat and took off his boots as he asked.

“Yeah, a quick shower sounds good. I feel kind of gross.”

“Want to shower alone? Or I can help you get clean, if you’d like.” His deep voice got deeper with his flirty words.

“In the interest of saving time and water, you should join me.” I said it over my shoulder as I walked into the bathroom. He was behind me in a split second.

We each undressed ourselves in the cramped bathroom as the shower ran, getting hot and steamy. His body was unnatural looking and I tried not to stare at his odd shape. When his pants and underwear dropped I had something new to focus on. Holy shit.

Deen had said in the car that he was six foot, five inches and he currently weighed three hundred and fifteen pounds. He didn’t have any fat on his entire giant body. He was covered in hair, everywhere. I’d never touched a man that looked like him.

I focused on his growing erection again. His balls were huge and I instantly thought about anabolic steroids and testicle shrinkage. He either didn’t use drugs or his balls had been the size of softballs before he did. I assumed it was the former.

His hard-on was thick and long. It looked big, even in proportion to the rest of him. He answered my unasked question as I gawked at his crotch.

“Nine inches. You’re quite large, too.” He asked me without asking how big I actually was.

“I’m seven and a half. But I’m a bottom, so it’s just decorative.” I joked with him, feeling giddy with excitement but trying to act cool and collected.

“I’m sure I could find lots of uses for it, beyond its aesthetic beauty.” He licked his lips as he said it.

He stepped into the shower and offered me a hand. In the shower over tub set up, we barely fit in there together.

I’m a large man in the average world. Just shy of six feet and hovering around two hundred pounds, built bulky while being fit and lean. And Deen. He’s not even human sized. I couldn’t get over how small I felt standing next to him. It was so weird.

We quickly showered, washing the hot, sticky club off of each other. We had to change positions because he blocked every drop of water from getting to me with his mass. Our focus was on balancing and getting clean so we could get out of there.

As we dried off, he laughed about our idea not working so well. I told him we’d need a custom bathroom with a huge walk-in shower to ever try that again. Not that there’d ever be an “again” for us, I couldn’t help but think to myself.

Clean and mostly dry, we went back into the bedroom. He sunk down, sitting on the bed and for the first time, I was at a height advantage. I walked up to where he sat with his tree trunk thighs spread wide, his long legs stretched out to either side.

As I stood between his legs, I could feel the heat coming off his furry body. He looked up at me with those dark brown eyes and his incredible, thick black lashes. I moved even closer and draped my arms over his massive shoulders. I leaned forward and he met me in a heated kiss.

His hands on my body made me feel small again. The sensation was so bizarre, but it was also exhilarating. I liked submitting sexually, but I’d never been with someone who could physically make me submit if they’d wanted to. The thought made my blood boil in my veins with desire.

I threw caution to the wind and told him to dominate me. “I’ve never been with a man that is so much bigger than me. Dominate my body with yours, Deen.” I whispered it against his lips.

“Oh, fuck yes, Blake. I’ll be careful, I promise. If I hurt you, please tell me.” He stopped and said it seriously, so I knew he meant every word.

“I will. Don’t be too careful, though. I need to be dominated.” He responded to my words right away.

He stood and wrapped his hulk-like arms around me and lifted me off the floor, easily. He turned us around and crawled onto the bed, still moving me along with him. He settled me into the blankets and pillows and sat back to admire my nakedness, my brown skin surrounded by the bright white bedding.

“You are stunning, Blake. I’m going to dominate you until you can’t take it any longer.” His deep voice gave me goosebumps with his promise.

Deen bent over me and kissed my chest and down my flat stomach until he reached my raging erection. I was so turned on. His mouth closed over my head and he sucked so hard I nearly screamed.

He sucked and sucked and sucked. It felt unbelievable. It was unlike any blowjob I’d ever had or had given. I was sure he sucked my entire soul out of my body through my penis. When I thought I’d scream in surrender, he started to probe my entrance with his huge fingers.

He had me panting in seconds. The sucking and the touching, stroking, probing all brought me to new heights of pleasure. I heard myself yelling out all sorts of things, but it sounded like someone else. It felt like I was having an out of body experience.

He pulled away long enough to grab a condom. I noticed it was a brand new box of twelve as he opened it. I wondered how quickly he went through a box of twelve condoms. Before I could think about it much more, he was back between my legs, touching me, preparing me.

“Blake, look at me.” He stopped just as he was poised to enter me.

I shook off the fog and looked into his amazing eyes. “I’m ready, Deen. Please.”

As we maintained eye contact, he pushed his body into mine, slowly but steadily. I gasped as he invaded me. It felt massive and I wanted it all.

His eyes held mine. I couldn’t look away. He slid the rest of the way into my body, filling me so completely I nearly cried. I felt fulfilled at that moment. Not just filled.

Careful to support his huge body over mine, Deen started to move within me. Slowly at first, he kissed me slowly, matching his pace between my legs.

“Deen!” I yelled his name as he started to move faster. His giant frame hovered over me as his muscular hips, thighs and ass pummeled me into the bed. It felt amazing.

“Come for me, Blake. Come hard on my cock. Fuck!” He was moving so quickly now, it was all a blur of mind melting pleasure.

My orgasm was building, my penis held tightly in my hand, I pumped it along with his thrusts. I squeezed my eyes shut and yelled out as I started to come. His mouth covered mine as he pounded into me even harder.

“Blaaaaaaake!” His baritone turned to a growl as he started to come. He pulled out and pulled the condom off. He squeezed his head and milked even more semen onto my stomach. His breath was ragged and he looked like a wild beast above me.

Unbidden, some of the animated monster porn I’d seen popped into my mind. A soldier, separated from his unit, lay beneath a massive raging bull man with a glistening cock nearly half as large as his entire monster body. He forces his way inside, pounding into the man, so deeply you can see the bulge of his massive erection as it fills the soldier’s belly with each thrust.

I shook off the mental imagery and became aware of Deen moving closer, bending to lick our mixed seed off my torso. Shortly after that he went into the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth and a fluffy towel. He cleaned me up, so gently and reverently, it almost made me cry.

He came back and scooped me up, holding me like a big baby in his arms as he pulled the blankets back. He gently placed me back on the bed and then climbed in next to me. He pulled me close, holding me gently so I could pull away if I chose to.

What I chose to do was cuddle up against this giant teddy bear of a man and inhale the scent of him and the smell of our sex. I fell asleep seconds later.

It was close to noon when I finally awoke. Deen was dressed and sitting at the table looking at his laptop. When he noticed I was awake, he smiled at me.

“You looked so beautiful sleeping in my bed, I didn’t have the heart to wake you. Are you hungry?”

I nodded as I stretched and yawned. I felt exhausted from the long day I’d had yesterday but I also felt rested and exhilarated. It was so foreign feeling.

He came to the bed with a cup of coffee. “Do you want cream or sugar?”

“You have cream and sugar? I assumed you ate nothing but lean protein.” I kidded as I took the coffee from him. “Black is fine, thank you.” I smiled at him in gratitude.

“No, I eat everything and anything I want. It’s just about balance and activity level.”

“You make it sound so simple.” I kind of chuckled to myself as I sipped the rich coffee.

“It isn’t, as you clearly know already. You’re in great shape and you must work hard to stay in shape. I would know.” Deen smiled as he moved around the room, looking enormous in the confined space.

“I guess being a bodybuilder would make you an expert.” I moved to the edge of the bed and stood. I was still naked so I moved into the bathroom to find my clothes and use the facility.

“Amongst other things.” He replied to me but he was looking at his computer again, politely avoiding staring at me as I moved to the restroom.

I pulled cleaner clothes out of my backpack and put on my jeans and a different t-shirt. I shoved my damp, sweaty club outfit into the bag, mentally preparing to do laundry as soon as I got home. Now I needed to get home.

An Uber in the middle of the day on Sunday, from one suburb to another would be much easier to find. I planned to pull up the app as soon as I went back into the bedroom area.

Deen was watching me as I came back, fully dressed with my backpack on my shoulder. “You didn’t answer before. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, but I’ll just eat when I get home.” I replied noncommittally as I pulled on my shoes.

“Okay, I can drive you home, if that’s what you want. Or we could stop somewhere for a big breakfast.” Deen stood and grabbed his keys and phone, clearly planning to give me another ride.

“I can call an Uber.” But even as I said it, I could tell he wasn’t into that idea. He’d relent if I insisted, but he preferred to drive me, it was plain to see on his face.

“An Uber? Really? Please, Blake. Just let me drive you home.” He looked oddly innocent as he asked.

“Okay, thank you. That’s very nice of you.”

“Breakfast or no?” He asked as we walked out into the parking lot towards his black SUV. He opened the door for me.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He seemed so eager to spend time with me. No one had seemed eager to spend time with me in the last decade or longer. Not even Glenn. Not like this.

We stopped at a family style restaurant owned by a Greek family, like many of the local places in our area. We ordered massive breakfast plates for lunch and chatted easily as we devoured it all.

I found out that Deen was a nutritionist of some sort, which made so much sense. He asked me about the military and what had made me decide to stay here, of all the places I’d been and lived.

He seemed to be able to navigate the less comfortable topics without hitting any of my tender nerves. It was nice to talk to someone new, who already seemed to care about my feelings.

It was obvious to me that Deen was extraordinarily intelligent. He told me he was forty five and he’d been single for most of his adult life.

“I’ve always been focused on one goal. At first it was getting out of Detroit. I did that by becoming a bodybuilder. I focused on my body and career for years.”

“You didn’t date?”

“I dated, yes, but nothing serious. I tried relationships several times when I was young, but I couldn’t be the kind of partner anyone needed. It wouldn’t have been fair to any guy I cared about.”

“That’s how I felt when I joined up and then got my degrees while in the service. I needed to be the best sailor, the best student, the best officer. Then I met Glenn.”

“What changed?”

“At the time, I thought everything had changed. But now, in hindsight, I realize nothing changed. My whole relationship was second to my career and Glenn was fine with that.”

“Were you fine with that?”

“I thought so.” Was I fine with it? What the hell?

My relationship with Glenn was easy and comfortable. I hadn’t needed to change nearly anything in my life to incorporate him into it. It was secure but passionless.

We’d both put our military careers first. We came home to each other at night and shared space and friends. But it was lacking that big love that I’d wanted to find, but never had. It was convenient and effortless, but not in a good way.

“You alright over there?” Deen’s deep voice brought me back from my memories.

“Yeah, I’m good. Since Glenn died I feel like I’ve learned more about myself and my relationship with him than I did the whole time we were together. Is that weird?”

“Not really. It sounds like it was pretty routine, which I assume as a military man, is a safe feeling. People like to feel safe.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It was routine and safe. It was boring. I feel bad saying that though. I was married to him and I loved him.” I stared into my coffee cup on the table.

“It’s okay to feel all those ways, all at once. It’s normal.”

I looked at the mountain of a man that sat across from me. I noticed people looking at him as we talked. He was too big to miss. I’d nearly forgotten he was so unusual.

We paid the bill and got back into his car. I gave him directions as we neared my neighborhood. I stared at my rental I’d shared with Glenn as we sat in the driveway for a moment.

I wanted to be home, but this place didn’t feel like home anymore. It never really had, but it was as close as it got for me. How did this happen? How was this my life?

“What are you thinking over there?” Again, Deen called me back to reality.

“I’m so sorry, I keep spacing out. I guess this whole weekend gave me a lot to think about.” I thought Pride would help get my mind off everything, but instead it helped me see everything through different eyes. I hadn’t expected that at all.

“Can I text you later?” Deen asked after I’d rejoined the current world in his vehicle from my mental detour.

“Give me your number. I’ll text you if I decide I want to.” I offered him something without giving him the control. I needed the control right now.

“Sure.” He put his contact info into my phone and handed it back. “I really hope to hear from you, Blake. Really.”

He looked lost. Or sad. He looked like he wanted to beg me to text him since I wouldn’t relinquish control of this situation to him. It looked like he was struggling with giving up the control. I imagined he was a man used to being in control of everything around him. He seemed the type.

I smiled at him and nodded to acknowledge his request. I just couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know what I was going to do. I opened the door and started to get out of the Escalade.

He came around and walked me to my door. He bit his lip, looking like he wanted to say a lot, but also unsure what to say. I needed to throw this guy a bone.

“Thanks for the ride, and everything else Deen. I had a wonderful time. Last night was especially incredible.”

“I hope we can do it again.” He smiled and tried to relax.

I nodded again and then I pushed up onto my toes and kissed him quickly. As I sank back to the ground, he reached over and put his big hand on my shoulder, touching my neck gently. He looked into my eyes.

I had a feeling he was trying to memorize my face. He was sure I wasn’t going to contact him. I just knew it. And I couldn’t confirm or deny it. I just didn’t know.

He left and I went inside and I looked around the house I’d shared with Glenn for two years, since we’d been stationed here. The whole place was painted white and we’d never hung anything on the walls since we were renting.

It was so dull and boring. It felt lonely and reminded me of Glenn. The nothingness reminded me of Glenn. I needed to get out of this place. I needed to start over or try again or something.

I needed to have color in my life. Color, excitement, fun, lust, love, passion. Anything! I needed to fucking live. I had yet to live. Even with my travels and my marriage, I still felt like I’d never started to live.

I decided to call my mom. And when I did, she instantly knew something was off, it wasn’t just a normal Sunday afternoon social call.

“So, what’s up?” She cut to the chase.

“I just got back from Chicago Pride. I had a really nice time, which pleasantly surprised me.”

“I’m so glad you went. How was everyone?”

“Fine. It’s still weird with some of them, but I’m ready to move on. I’m rethinking everything.”

“Are you coming back to Atlanta?” She asked hopefully.

“No, that isn’t changing. I love my career and I love this area. I’m still buying here, but everything else has changed.”

“Okay, well explain it to me. What is this “everything else” you’re referring to?” As usual she knew what to ask to get me to open up. She was kind and patient, which I loved so much.

“Glenn. I’m ready to move on, mom. I need to get out of this house. I need to maybe hang out with some different people, doing different things. It’s time and I’m really ready.”

“I’m so happy to hear that, Blake. I know you loved Glenn, but you’re so young. You have so much life to live. So much love to share.”

“I know.” I got quiet as I thought about sharing that life and love with someone new. Deen popped into my mind, but he wasn’t what I wanted. He was just on my mind since it was all so fresh.

“Did you meet someone?” How did she do that?

“No. Not really.”

“Don’t lie to your mother, boy!” Her church-lady voice came out.

“Mom. I met several people this weekend, but no one I want to date, so let’s move on please.”

“You’re awfully defensive for a guy who didn’t meet someone. Tell me about him.”

“You’re impossible, you know that?”

“And you’re stalling, Blake.”

“I danced with a guy at the club and then my friends disappeared, so he gave me a ride home.”

“You said you just got home. What happened between the club and now?” She never missed anything.

“Do you want details?” I threatened to overshare to get her to back off.

“So there are details? I knew it!”

“Oh my god, mom. I hooked up with a stranger. He’s not my type, so I’m not going to see him again. He shall remain a stranger. Happy?”

“And what is your type? You just said everything needed to change. You wanted to try something different. You were talking about this guy, so just cough it up.”

“I wasn’t.” I wasn’t. Right?

“You can lie to yourself, but not your mother. Tell me about this guy. Why isn’t he your “type”?”

“He’s a literal giant. He was a bodybuilder. His body is freaky looking. We had breakfast at a restaurant and everyone was staring. It was uncomfortable.”

“Okay, but you like him.”

“No, I liked spending one night with him, but it wouldn’t ever work. Wouldn’t it be weird to date someone I’m embarrassed to go out in public with?”

“It sounds like you need to get over yourself, Blake. You sound just like those black boys you tried to date in high school that didn’t want to date you because you were “whitewashed”. I’m surprised at you.”

“What? I’m nothing like those guys!” I was on the defense now.

“You are exactly like those guys. You like this man but you’re worried about what other people will think. It’s exactly the same.” She snapped the last sentence.

“It’s different. I’m telling you why I’m not leading him on. I didn’t tell him any of this, just to hurt his feelings like those guys did to me.”

“Now you’re just splitting hairs, son. Other than the fact he’s different and attracts attention, what else do you know about him.” She changed tactics.

“He’s forty five, six foot five and he weighs three fifteen. He’s enormous. He’s really smart and very nice. He’s from Detroit and he’s Saudi. His family has been in Michigan for a number of generations.”

“My goodness, he is big. It’s he handsome? You know I love a nice dark skinned man, from anywhere.” I could hear the smile on her face. Dirty old lady.

“He’s got the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen, but I’m not really attracted to his looks. He shaves his head and has a dark, full beard which he wears trimmed. He looks like a “daddy” type, which isn’t my thing.”

“I’ll pretend I know what a “daddy type” is. How can you think he has the prettiest eyes but then say you’re not attracted to him?”

“I don’t know.” I really didn’t.

I had never liked that type of guy. He was probably into leather bars and piggy porn. His eyes were beautiful, but the shaved head and dark beard, on top of the massive body and all the hair, on every inch, just didn’t do it for me.

Even if I wanted something different, like I’d just claimed, it didn’t have to be that different. Maybe I could date someone that wasn’t Navy. Someone like Dex. He was my type and still very different from Glenn.

Dex was a hairdresser and flamboyant compared to guys I’d usually be attracted to. Someone like him was different enough. I just needed to find someone like that. Someone that wasn’t Deen.

Lost in my thoughts for the moment, I realized my mom was yelling into the phone.

“Blake!? Are you judging this guy based on his looks? That seems unfair.”

“Mom, please. He’s not what I want.” Even as I said it, Deen’s words from last night came back to me. He’d said “I’m never what people expect. I’m used to it.” I’d said that same thing my whole life.

I wrapped up the call with my mom and moved the laundry I’d started earlier into the dryer. I was ready to get back to my routine and let my Pride adventure be a fond memory.

I met up with Tom and worked out at the gym that evening. He asked about Pride and I told him about everything in general, but I didn’t mention Deen at all. I was done explaining that situation.

I showered before bed and made sure my uniform was pressed and ready for work in the morning. But I couldn’t fall asleep as I lay in my bed in the dark.

My mind worked over my conversation with my mom and my time with Deen. I tried to convince myself it was exactly the same as what I’d gone through after my hook-up with Dex. But it still felt different. It was different but I wasn’t sure why.

I tossed and turned for several hours. I had the strangest craving for a big teddy bear to cuddle up to. That thought upset me. I was sure it was just because I’d done that just last night. That’s all it was.

Even if I wanted to see Deen, I didn’t want to BE seen with him. And that was terrible. He deserved better than that. I was a black man discriminating against another man because of his size and the shape of his body. I felt despicable.

I’d been treated differently by black people and white people my whole life, and I was no better than any of them. I was too black for most white folks. I was too “white” for most black folks.

In the Navy, I wasn’t a color, I was a sailor and we were all the same. But that was a rose colored view, too. I was treated as less than during pretty much all stages of my naval career, just like in my life before. I already knew I’d never make “them” happy. And yet I wanted to avoid dating someone because of how “they” would react.

The alarm rang a scant few hours later and I had to go to work. Exhausted and feeling like a piece of shit, I dragged myself into the office, as much as I could in my stiff uniform and my drilled in good posture.

By lunchtime I was distracted and completely out of sorts. I changed in my office and went for a jog. I showered when I got back to the hospital, and tried to press on for the rest of the day.

One of my civilian coworkers, who I’d grown fairly close to, stopped by an hour before the end of the day. She asked if I was thinking about Glenn? She pointed out that I looked upset and tired.

I looked at her in shock as I realized I hadn’t thought about Glenn all day. Not even at home this morning. I had such mixed feelings about that that I almost started to cry and laugh all at once. I felt like I might be having a small mental breakdown.

I brushed off my work friend and told her I was just hung over and tired from Pride all weekend. She looked skeptical but eventually left so we could finish our workday.

While driving home from the hospital I considered texting Deen. He’d been so sincere about hoping to hear from me. I felt bad about not reaching out. But I didn’t want to date him, so what would be the point?

Maybe I should just text him to check in and give him closure. I could just let him down easily if he asked for more. Because that’s totally normal, to contact someone to let them know you’re still not interested, for their benefit. What a load of bullshit. I was an ass hole.

The only good thing to happen today was the new batch of listings my realtor sent over had several houses that looked good on paper. I called her from home and set up a few viewings for tomorrow after work. There was one house in Winthrop Harbor that I really liked.

The rest of the evening dragged by and I couldn’t stop thinking about Deen. I finally threw up my hands and typed a text. I looked at it for twenty minutes before I hit send. So ridiculous.

“Hi Deen, it’s Blake.” I stressed over that for nearly a half hour. Was I in high school? What the hell was wrong with me? I was still kicking myself mentally when my phone buzzed with an incoming text. I nearly flung the phone across the room as it startled me.

I finally got my butterfingers under control and opened the message.

“Hey, Blake. I’m so glad you texted. How was your day?”

I felt my body relax as I texted him about the houses I wanted to see. I told him that work was long and tedious. He told me about his day. It was so easy to communicate with him.

Before I knew it, several hours had passed and I was grinning at my phone over the most mundane conversation. I felt like I was sixteen, talking to a crush. This was bad, but I kept smiling at the damn phone anyway.

The rest of the week flew by. Deen and I texted each other good morning messages everyday. We’d check in at lunch and then we’d talk, via texts, all evening. He never pushed for more, but I knew he was dying to ask to see me.

I told him about the house in Winthrop Harbor that I liked and how it sold overnight before I got to view it. Everything was either hideous and too much work or it sold in hours. It was frustrating, especially because I wanted out of this place so badly.

He was a good listener, which is exactly what I needed from him right now. I almost believed it when I told myself that. Almost. I really wanted to touch him again. Maybe we could hook-up just once more. Lies. I was lying to myself left and right.

I loved talking to him. I wanted to sleep with him, sexually and cuddled up next to him afterwards. I still couldn’t see myself dating him though. I was so confused.

Friday afternoon my confusion reached a peak as surprise after surprise assailed me. First, a dozen red roses were delivered to my office. I’d never gotten flowers in my life. I was giddy and I knew Deen had sent them even before I opened the card.

“Thinking of you. As usual.” — Deen

I sat at my desk and stared at the flowers trying to think of what to say to him. I held my phone at the ready to text him once words and thoughts started to make sense again. I decided what to say and I was typing when I heard a knock.

“Blake, who sent these?” My boss stood at my door. Dr. Pollard stepped into my office and looked at the card. Before I could answer, he looked up at me with an odd look on his face. “Dr. Nazari sent these? Why?”

“Dr. Nazari? I’m not sure who that is. My friend Deen sent these.”

“Yeah, Dr. Deen Nazari, over at Lake Forest Hospital. I’ve known him for years.” I’m not sure who looked more confused now, him or me.

“I didn’t know you knew him.” I wanted to say I didn’t know he was a doctor. I didn’t know he worked at Lake Forest Hospital. I didn’t know we knew some of the same people.

“We met when he consulted on a patient years ago. He’s a really sharp guy. Real smart, good doctor.” Dr. Pollard rambled on, as he was wont to do. He talked his way back out of my office and then he was gone.

What the hell? Deen was a doctor? The old mental picture I’d made up of his life crumbled into dust. His words came back to me again. “I’m never what people expect.” He’d clearly been judged, had his identity assumed, many times. I’d been doing it since I’d met him.

I finally put all that aside and texted him. I thanked him for the flowers.

“Thank you. The roses are beautiful. I’ve never gotten flowers before.”

“That’s a crime. I should send you flowers every week, just because.” I read Deen’s sweet words.

“Bill Pollard said he knows you. I didn’t know you were a doctor.” That sounded less accusatory than just sending the second sentence.

“I thought I told you, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’m a physician nutrition specialist at LFH. I really thought I said that on the trip back from Pride.”

I did remember him saying something about being a nutritionist, but I didn’t know what he was talking about exactly, so maybe I missed it since he didn’t use the word “doctor” to describe himself even now.

“You probably did. It was late and I was tired and nervous so I probably missed that detail.”

“I might not have explained it well enough.”

“It’s fine, I was just surprised that he knew you just from your first name, but it is unusual.”

“Pollard is a secret spy type. Bumbling, rambling but he’s watching everything and no one suspects anything.” Deen really did know my boss. I smiled to myself.

“That’s totally true. I’m going to get back to work, but thank you again for the roses. They made my whole week.” I almost added a heart emoji, but I resisted and held onto some of my dignity.

“Come over this weekend. Tonight.” He clearly cut to the chase since I was ending the conversation. My heart leapt into my throat when I read his text.

“What would we do if I did?” I felt flirty and my whole body reacted to my own dirty thoughts.

“We could eat. Watch a movie. Hang out. Fuck like animals. Whatever you want.”

Okay then. He was a mind reader or maybe he was just another horny man that needed me like I needed him. I didn’t want to read into it. He just wanted company and this hot black ass. Who even was I right now thinking about my ass at all? Oh my god, I was such a mess.

“That all sounds interesting.” I finally replied, noncommittally. He called my bluff immediately.

“Great. See you around seven? Any thoughts on food?”

“I never said yes.” I pushed back.

“You didn’t need to. I know you’re coming. And I’ll make you come, too.” He was so bold and it turned me on. My whole body throbbed at his promise to make me come.

“Surprise me. I like all kinds of food.”

“Perfect. Seven. Come hungry. For everything.”

Sweet baby Jesus. I was sweating, sitting at my desk. He made me want all kinds of things. I finally caught my breath and replied.

“See you at seven.”

“I can’t wait, Blake.”

We finally ended the conversation and I was pretty much useless for the rest of the day. Thankfully it was Friday afternoon. I left work about an hour early, which I never, ever did.

I carried my bouquet of red roses through the employee locker room, getting some unusual looks that I thought would make me nervous, but instead I felt excited and happy. I thought about how recently my husband had died and now I was getting red roses delivered to work. Would they judge me? Did I care?

Yes. I did. I always cared what other people thought. I always had. All my choices were safe and over-thought. I always considered what everyone would think and I didn’t really know why. I kind of did know why I started doing it, but why did I keep doing it?

I was doing it with Deen. I was so into him in so many ways but I also didn’t want to date him because of what people would think about it. About me. About us as a couple.

I had so many preconceived ideas about who he was and they were all proved wrong. I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t my “type” and therefore he was not datable. It sounded so flimsy right now. I needed to figure this out.

But right now, I needed to go home and shower and shave. I needed to find something to wear that was comfortable and casual but yet attractive. I needed to pack a bag. My hands shook as I put some soft clothes into the bag.

I decided to call my mother since I had extra time, having left work early. She answered on the first ring.

“Hi, baby boy! What are you doing this weekend?” She didn’t even let me say hello.

“Hi, Mom. How are you?”

“Fine. I asked you a question.” Why did I call her? I enjoyed torture, clearly.

“I’m hanging out with friends. Nothing special.”

“You’re still the worst liar I’ve ever met. You’re going to see the guy with the beautiful eyes. Good for you.”

“Honesty Mom, do you have my house and office bugged? My phone? What?” My sarcasm was ironic, at best.

“Nonsense. I’m glad he makes you so happy. I can hear it in your voice.”

“Mom, I just met him. We’re new friends, hanging out to get some food.”

“Oh, Blake. Just stop.”

“Stop what?” I snapped it a bit too harshly.

“Playing dumb. You can lie to your friends and your coworkers. Hell, you can even lie to yourself. But you should know better than to lie to me.”

“Mom. I’m not. It’s too soon to date. And….” I stopped myself before I claimed he wasn’t my type. It was so pitiful at this point. My type or not, I liked him. A lot.

“Where does it say it’s too soon? A week would be too soon, but it’s been over eight months. Even stuffy old ladies at my church only mourn publicly for six months.”

“Can we change the subject, please? Can I please first catch up with my mother without you railroading me into a relationship with a man I just met. We’re going to have gay sex, probably lots of it. Are you happy now?”

“At least that’s honest, baby. How was work? The house search still going nowhere?”

“Work was fine. I shouldn’t even tell you this, but I got roses delivered to my office today. It turns out some of my coworkers know my new friend since he’s a doctor at another local hospital.”

“Oh, now that’s interesting. Red roses?”

“Yes, red roses. The house search is frustrating. I need to get out of here. I’m thinking about renting just to be done but I don’t want to move twice.”

“Don’t rent unless you can do it month to month. You don’t want to get stuck in another place for a year. You could always find a nice house down here.” I sensed reverse psychology coming on, so I didn’t take the bait.

“I won’t sign a lease for a year, no matter what. I need to finish up my laundry before I go out, but I’ll talk to you later, Mom.”

We said our goodbyes and I paced around my bland, white house for another forty five minutes before leaving for Deen’s hotel. It was only twenty minutes away, but I gave myself close to an hour.

I ended up sitting in a parking lot of a McDonald’s about a mile from his hotel for a half hour to kill time and not be early and appear over eager. The weird nerves actually felt nice. I hadn’t felt much of anything for a long, long time. Way longer than eight months. Way longer than five or six years.

It was two minutes after seven when I knocked on the hotel room door. Deen answered the door in nothing but a towel. He looked freshly showered and smelled a bit like heaven. I tried not to look goofy as I smiled at him.

He welcomed me in, saying he’d been on a work call that ran long and he’d just gotten out of the shower. His nervousness made me less nervous and he looked so adorable all flustered, which is hilarious to think about.

He ran into the bathroom and came back out in a t-shirt and a soft pair of grey sweatpants. They didn’t disappoint at all. It was my favorite man-lingerie trend and they looked really good on his big thighs and muscular ass. His package looked massive.

I stepped close to him as he stopped and finally relaxed a bit. He read my body language, meeting me halfway. He leaned down and kissed me softly, tenderly. It made me lightheaded for a second.

“I’m so glad you’re here. I’ve been thinking about kissing you since I dropped you off at home on Sunday afternoon.” He smiled down at me, his dark eyes full of lust and something else I couldn’t identify.

“I’m glad to be here. Really.” I pushed up onto my toes and kissed him hard. He lifted me and moved us both toward the couch. I still wasn’t used to being picked up and generally being smaller than my partner. It was nice and strange all at once.

On the couch he told me food was already on its way and he was excited about surprising me. We chatted easily and I asked him more about his actual job at the hospital.

Eventually we got a notification that the food was outside the door. Deen grabbed it and brought it back to where we were sitting. I could smell the deliciousness before he even opened the box.

It was deep dish pizza from Lou Malnati’s. We’d talked about pizza while we were at lunch on Sunday and he remembered that I said this was my absolute favorite. I told him it was a good enough reason on its own to stay in Chicagoland. He’d laughed, but here it was.

I wasn’t used to anyone being this thoughtful in a relationship. I wasn’t. Glenn wasn’t. Guys I’d dated before weren’t. Deen was the opposite of my type, right? I guess that was true in every way. And maybe I needed a new type. This was incredible.

We laughed and ate and it was easy and delicious and I didn’t even mind when I got sauce on my face and didn’t realize it. He just wiped it off my chin and continued to tell me his story. I should have been so embarrassed to look foolish in front of a new guy. But I just wasn’t. And it was because of his reaction, or lack thereof.

After we ate, we curled up on the big bed and watched a newer movie that neither of us had seen. I didn’t say that it was because Glenn didn’t like the lead actor. I just enjoyed the movie with my gentle giant.

As the movie wound down, Deen started to touch me in a less cuddly way. His hands explored under the blankets and under my clothes. His palm skimmed over my penis, causing me to make a low, desperate sound in my throat.

Deen looked into my eyes, his dilated and even darker than usual. The movie credits barely started to roll before we were touching and kissing while pulling at each other’s clothing.

Soon we were both nude and he was above me, pressing me into the bed while he stroked my growing erection. He watched my face as he touched me, reading my reactions and adjusting as needed to take me beyond my control.

“Deen! Please! I need you.” I whined out the last few words. His hands were incredible but I wanted him inside me. I really did need him.

“I’ve got you, honey. I’m going to give you everything you need, don’t worry about that.” He assured me with his words as he moved his body, positioning himself between my widely spread thighs. He lined up to my entrance and then he was pushing into me.

I gasped as his huge cock invaded me. It was perfect, so completely perfect. He watched my reactions as he slowly sunk into me, until he was fully within my tight hole. I was panting with desire and the shock of his massive manhood filling me completely.

He patiently helped me relax and calm and then he started to move above me. His strokes were sure and the tempo drove me wild. It felt even better than last time. I was less nervous this time and he had gotten more attractive to me since then, too.

“You ready for more, honey?” Deen asked calmly as his hips continued thrusting deeply, fully into me.

“Yes! God yes. Please!” He smiled at my reply and his body tensed slightly and then he was pounding into me, pushing me down into the bed repeatedly.

“Blake!” He called out my name as his pace got nearly frantic. I could barely hear him over my own moans and sounds of cresting pleasure.

Every stroke out and thrust in rubbed across my prostate, making my eyes cross and my toes curl. I didn’t even recognize the grunting, trembling body that thrummed with intense pleasure, as my own. I felt like I was outside myself as I exploded into my climax.

Deen’s thrusts matched my body’s clenching as I came so hard I forgot to breathe. It was the most intense orgasm of my life and he’d done that to me with anal. It was incredible and mind blowing, to say the least.

Soon he was tensing and then I felt him throb inside me. I heard someone beg “breed me!” without realizing it was me. I’d never called that out during sex, even when I was raw with Glenn all the time. We hadn’t yelled out anything.

His eyes locked with mine as he pulled out, pulled the condom away and plunged back into me. He thrust twice more and then he was filling me with his molten seed. He made the sexiest, most animalistic sounds with his booming, deep voice. My body responded to his mating call and I wrapped my arms and legs around him, holding him deeply inside me.

He finally released his massive muscles and his big body relaxed, crushing me into the soft bedding. He was still inside me and I still clung to him with everything I had. I loved the feeling of him on top of me.

He lifted his head and found my lips. He kissed me with so much passion as we lay there connected. I felt tears running down over my temples into my short hair. I felt relieved. I felt alive. I didn’t feel guilty, not even a little bit. That’s what made me cry these happy tears.

He just kept kissing me and touching me and whispering sweet things against my lips. He let me cry without drawing attention to it. It made me cry a little bit more, but I felt a hundred pounds lighter after shedding those tears.

I don’t remember falling asleep, but I awoke in Deen’s arms. He was sound asleep, his warm breath against the back of my neck. His huge arm was wrapped around me and mine was on top of his. I stretched my legs a bit and then cuddled even closer to him as I fell back asleep.

Maybe an hour later I felt the giant behind me moving about and I heard a big yawn. My groggy brain made me yawn in reply.

“Good morning.” Deen said it as he kissed my neck.

“Mmmmmmm. Yes, it is.” I rolled so I was on my back so I could see his face.

He smiled. “Waking up with you is my new favorite thing ever.” He kissed me softly.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, kissing him deeply. I didn’t even think about morning breath. I needed to connect with him. Physically and emotionally. I didn’t want to dwell on the implications of those needs.

He eagerly kissed me back, his big hand running over my chest and down my abdomen. He brought his hand back up and gently cupped my face as he pulled back.

“You are so beautiful, Blake.” His deep voice was full of emotion. His eyes matched his voice as they filled with his feelings, showing me how much he meant those words.

We finally got out of bed and took turns using the restroom and brushing our teeth. I got my phone off the charger and then sat back on the bed.

“Let’s go get breakfast. My treat.” Deen grinned at me as he stood outside the bathroom.

I had a flash of those fears about being seen with him and judged but I pushed it away. Deen was an amazing person and I needed to stop caring about “them” and focus on him.

“I’m starving. Let me put on my pants.” I climbed off the bed in my underwear and t-shirt. I moved past Deen with purpose, kind of strutting and puffed up, giving him a sexy smirk.

“You keep that up and we’ll never make it to breakfast.” His growl made my body ache. I seriously considered skipping breakfast. Then I heard Deen’s stomach rumble and I refocused on the task at hand. Literally feed the beast.

I was pleasantly surprised when Deen looked more normal to me in the busy restaurant, surrounded by people. In the bar at Pride and at the restaurant the next day, he’d seemed impossibly large. Now he just looked big. And extremely handsome.

Oh wow. When did that happen? I had convinced myself I thought he was okay looking, but not “my thing” so hard that I made myself believe it. Now I knew him and I liked him. A lot. He was incredibly good looking and he was focused completely on me, like no one else existed.

“You alright over there, Blake?” Deen’s deep voice called me back into the present.

“Yeah, just figuring some things out.” I smiled and finally picked up my menu. I felt so different and it was nice. I smiled like a fool as I read my menu. I’m sure I looked somewhat blissfully unhinged but I didn’t care one bit.