Saving the Doctor

She breathed out again and smiled up at him, “Thank you.” she moved forward to hug him, but stopped herself and stuck out her hand for a handshake. “Professional,” she said, as they shook hands firmly.

She began to walk away. She still looked like a mess and he felt bad.

“Beth,” he said before she got to the door.

She stopped and looked back at him doubtfully.

“You can take the day off if you need to, I’m sure someone else can cover.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll be okay,” she sniffed.

“Okay, but maybe take ten minutes… Wait how about this,” he reached for his wallet “Head over to the coffeeshop and pick up a bunch of coffees for everyone,” he handed her some money.

“Sure,” she said. She gave him a thankful smile and left.

By Wednesday it felt like he had a different assistant. For the third day in a row she wore a much more conservative outfit and all her little hesitations and lingering questions were completely gone. A part of him was slightly disappointed that she seemed more distant, but what could he expect? It was certainly better than the opposite.

One less thing to worry about, he thought.

Only one less. He was still having trouble managing things and he was still staying very late to finish up his work, leaving defeated and drained.

The patients weren’t horrible really, but this was not what he expected his life and his practice to be when he was training. It was just normal, humdrum suburbia, and he missed the inner city clinics, especially the ones at the shelter and the mission – the challenge and excitement and feeling of really being needed. Plus, the people running those clinics had an understanding of the complexity involved, and had always been open to scheduling longer, more accommodating visits, which he preferred. He definitely felt challenged here, but it was mainly by a stack of fucking paperwork, and being expected to rush through high-maintenance patients who didn’t want to be rushed.

He was getting a little bit used to his house, but he still felt out of his element. Like he was trapped in the life of some upper class twit. The idea of hosting fancy parties and schmoozing with the elite, like Elaina seemed to envision, made him want to slink away, or even drive off in to the sunset some days. He loved her and wanted to make her happy, but it felt like achieving that always took more effort than it should.

He looked at his patient list again and suddenly the phone rang.

“Hi, it’s Dr. Davidson,” he answered.

“Heyyy how’s my favorite doc?”

He smiled hearing Carly’s now familiar voice. “I’m okay, how’s my favorite pharmacist?”

“Awww am I really?” she asked cutely.

“No competition,” he replied honestly.

She giggled “I don’t know why you’re buttering me up, I’m the one calling YOU for a favor.”

“Well then, ask of me anything, and your wish is my command,” he said in a corny british accent.

She snorted, then paused “…Anything?” she asked provocatively.

He laughed, “Okay maybe not anything.”

“Damn, I was really gonna take advantage of that.”

“Okay what’s up Carly?”

She sighed, “It’s umm, actually Mrs Collin.”

“Oh.” Jon replied, his smile fading. Mrs Collin was an 70 year old palliative patient, with metastatic cancer. She didn’t have long to live and was slowly deteriorating, but she somehow was always putting on a smile and seemed be completely at peace with her prognosis. However, she was starting to suffer physically more and more, and was requiring some stronger pain meds.

“Anything serious? I haven’t heard from her in a couple weeks. I had been expecting her to make an appointment soon, now that I think of it.”

“Okay, no, it’s nothing serious, she just needs a refill on her hydromorphone,” Carly replied “I know you guys usually want to see them in person for those kind of refills, but it’s such a process to get her down to the clinic these days with her wheelchair. So, I had a chat with her, and they’re still happy with the dose and amount, they just need a refill, if that’s okay?”

“Yeah for sure, thanks for taking the time to talk to her Carly, I really appreciate it.”

“Oh no worries, but that prescription is a triplicate so someone will just have to drop it off here in person sometime,” she reminded him.

“Okay right. Well actually I just have one more patient before the end of the morning here and then I could run it over just before noon,” he suggested.

“Oh. Like, um, yourself?” she asked, somewhat more quietly.

“Yeah, Beth could do it at the end of the day, but this way you can fill it this afternoon. You’re just right there, it won’t take long.”

“Of course. Yeah. I will. See you… then,” she said pleasantly, but breathed out heavily after.

“Yep, See you in a bit,” he said, and hung up.

He smiled. It was so nice to have a colleague that he connected with so well. And now he’d finally get to meet this girl in person. He decided he would ask if she was free for lunch and then they could have a longer chat. His days always seemed better when he got to talk to her.

He made a quick phone call to Mrs Collin and spoke with her daughter who was happy to hear from him and confirmed everything Carly had said. His last patient was thankfully fairly straightforward and didn’t take too long. He grabbed the prescription and headed out the door.

*****

Carly closed the bathroom door and used the toilet quickly. She barely needed to, but used the excuse to get herself in front of a mirror alone. She checked her teeth and reapplied some lip gloss. Why don’t I pack more makeup in my purse? It’s full of so much useless stuff! She touched her hair, fiddled slightly with her messy-bun, pulled one strand down the side of her face. Does that look okay? She looked at her shirt, pulled the neckline of her cardigan down, undid the top button and looked down at her cleavage. ..too much? not enough? She pushed her breasts together. Then stopped, sighed and looked in the mirror.

Carly… You. Are. Married! ACT like it.

She played with the wedding band on her finger. 1 year and 3 months. Brent was a decent enough man. Far from perfect, but no one was, certainly not her. He just seemed to get more and more distant as months went by. Her conversations with Jon had filled this void of personal connection that she hadn’t realized was there. He just sounded so nice, so cool without trying, so honest and genuine.

Just let him be a friend, she told herself. Just let him be an awesome, super-cool friend. Maybe he’ll be completely ugly and that’ll even help. Maybe he’s got a pig nose and a mullet. …Okay hopefully not that bad.

She looked at her nails. Maybe he’s that guy though. That tall drink of water from the parking lot. Maybe that was him. His voice sounded the same. It was one word, and everything was a blur in that crazy moment, but it just… Oh God what if that’s him…

She examined her pants and her shoes, and ran her hands over the curves of her hips and and her stomach disappointedly. Her muffin top had shrunk at least a bit since she had started working out more this year. She had let herself go, a bit worse than usual, those first few months of marriage, and it took a lot of work and time to get the weight off. She had finally started to break new ground in her fight against the flab, but it was slow. She had never been, and knew she never would be a super-skinny girl, but she could still try to look her best, she thought.

His fiance’s probably a supermodel, as if he’s gonna look at you twice anyway.

She sighed and closed her eyes.

Okay. Enough. Get out there girl, or you’ll miss him.

She went back out to the desk and started to work. Trying not to peek out at the aisles too conspicuously. She chose her tasks carefully making sure she was never too far from the counter so she could see who was coming. She kept checking the time, 11:57 Where was he?

She finished helping a middle-aged woman with a simple antibiotic fill. The line had dwindled off and there was only one man standing an oddly long distance from the counter. She looked up and froze.

It was him. The guy from the parking lot.

Oh shit it IS him. Maybe it’s a massive coincidence and he just… nope that’s a triplicate in his hand, it has to be him. Oh my God. They’re the same person. Why does he look like he’s ready to turn around and leave. No don’t GO you jerk. Why is he looking at me like that, like I’m gonna shoot him or… is something on my face? Say something!

“Uh, hi I’m Dr. Davidson from the clinic next door, sorry I.. didn’t take a number, but I talked to Carly just a little while ago and this is for her,” he said nervously.

She stared at him. Those green fucking eyes. That handsome-ass face with just the perfect hint of stubble. He was wearing the hell out of that plaid shirt, fitted extremely well to his frame. It wasn’t fair! Shit, Say something!

“Hi Jon, it’s me,” she finally said, with a smile.

He stood there like he was frozen in time.

Why did he look like he was watching the titanic sink? Fuck, how bad do I look?

Finally he closed his eyes and let out a breath and smiled. “Carly! …Hi.”

He opened his eyes and looked at her again and they both laughed, at first it was pure nervous laughter, but they were feeding off of each other and it turned into genuine friendly amusement. Her chest bounced as her laughs subsided and she took in a deep breath. She noticed his eyes dart to her bosom for just a fraction of a second, but she caught it, and fought off a blush.

“I guess we HAVE met,” he said, looking embarrassed.

“Yep,” she confirmed.

“I uh… I’m sorry about Saturday there, I was in a big hurry and my mind was a mess, I probably seemed like a rude asshole.”

“What? No it was good- I mean, yeah no you were fine. I was… don’t worry about it.”

She fought off another blush, remembering their embrace. She had been staring at his ass walking behind him, which was partly why she had been taken off guard when he turned around.

“This is for you.” He held out the prescription and she took it from him, their hands touching softly. His eyes held on her hand for a second, probably noticing her wedding band. He seemed to relax a little more.

“You guys busy today?” he asked.

“Pretty typical,” she replied. “Clinic’s not too bad?”

“Yeah actually, I have a completely free lunch hour surprisingly.”

“That’s good,” she said. Goddammit why were they being so awkward. She wanted to say more but she felt like a middle-school twerp walking up to her high school crush.

She couldn’t tell if he was waiting for her to speak or trying to figure out what to say himself.

Finally he broke the silence, “Well, it was really great to finally see you Carly.”

“Yeah, you too. Stop by anytime. Please,” she said with a smile, but felt disappointed as he waved and turned to go.

Her eyes followed his ass as he walked down the aisle. The ass stopped. That’s nice of him, I get to stare for longer- He turned around suddenly and walked back to her as she diverted her eyes back to the counter, then glanced back up to him pretending she hadn’t been staring.

“You really like your quick 180’s,” she smirked.

He grinned, “Just indecisive. Hey look do you want to go somewhere for lunch? No pressure, you can say no, I jus-”

“Yeah.” she interrupted before he could qualify it further. “Yeah totally, where do you wanna go?” butterflies danced in her stomach, not really from hunger.

“Well I’m still getting to know the area, there’s a sandwich joint at the other end of the strip mall I guess.”

“Yeah that’d be okay…” she considered. “Have you checked out the East Indian place yet, just down the street? It has a really good lunch buffet.”

“No, but that sounds perfect!” he said excitedly.

“Awesome, k just let me do a couple more things, like, 5, maybe 10 minutes?”

“Okay that’s fine I should run back to the clinic and give them a heads up anyway. Meet you there in 10?”

“Yeah. Oh hey wait.” She scribbled her cell number on a piece of paper and handed it to him. “In case you get held up or have to take a call.”

He smiled. “I wouldn’t stand you up Carly, come on.”

She grinned back. “You better not.”

She finished up her work, trying not to jump up and down as she did so.

“Hey Jill I’m heading out for lunch,” she called out as she grabbed her purse.

She thought for a second, and turned around to make a quick stop in front of the bathroom mirror again.

*****

“I’m heading out for lunch Beth, just take a message if anyone calls,” Jon said quickly as he walked past the front desk.

“Oh, uh yeah of course, back at 1?” she replied, thrown off by his change in routine.

“Yep. Thanks,” he said, heading out the door with a skip in his step.

It was a warm sunny day, just a hint of a chill in the breeze. The summer was just starting to turn into autumn, with a handful of trees starting to change colour.

The shock of seeing Carly had mostly worn off thankfully. He couldn’t decide whether he was an idiot for not realizing she was the woman in the parking lot. He felt like it, but how was he really supposed to know? He felt like a bit of a creep because of that encounter, and probably seemed like a dolt for standing like a deer in headlights when he first saw her, but she appeared not to mind, and obviously he hadn’t acted TOO awkward since she agreed to go to lunch.

It was her. That woman was her. So many thoughts had hit him all at once. He remembered feeling her wedding ring on her soft hands. It had been a nice reassurance that everything was just platonic. Right? Yeah. Of course. He just barely registered the tinge of disappointment and a whisper of jealousy echoing in the far caverns of his brain. He was still internalizing everything. Too many feelings were bouncing around inside him too chaotically for him to latch on to and identify with. He just knew he was full of adrenaline, and excited to go to lunch.

He got to the restaurant and looked around, he didn’t see her so he got a table for 2 by the window.

He opened his phone and decided to text her.

– Got us a window seat.

A quick reply came

– Who the hell is this how did you get my number??

He frowned and started to type an apologetic reply, but another reply came quickly.

– Kidding, It’s Carly, I’ll be there in a minute 😉

He chuckled to himself and checked his email while he waited.

He heard the door chime and looked up to see her walk in. He made a subtle wave to her as her blue eyes found him and she smiled. He hadn’t known that dimples came that cute. He let his eyes take in the look of her more fully now.

She had a somewhat round, but beautiful face, with two strands of her wavy blonde hair hanging down to perfectly frame it. She had a blue button-up cardigan over a white top, a taste of clear, smooth skin curving down into a hint of cleavage. The sweater hugged her sides, accentuating the curve between her breasts and her hips. She had what he personally would still call an hourglass figure, just that it wasn’t pinched unrealistically tiny in the waist like a disney princess. She was very much a real woman. Her hips were a bit wide, but proportional and fit her frame naturally, and the alluring sway of them as she walked caught his attention. Elaina might have called a girl like her fat, but he thought she looked healthy in an enticingly feminine way.

“That text was mean,” he said as she sat down.

“I just wish I could’ve seen your face,” she said with a devilish grin.

“Yeah I think it was something like this,” he said, and contorted his face into a ridiculous ghastly horror-movie silent scream.

She burst out laughing, “C’mon lets get some food ya dork.”

She squeezed his hands briefly on the top of the table, and they headed up to the buffet. She got a salad and some korma, and he loaded up with rice and vindaloo with a samosa on the side.

“Oooo someone likes it spicy!” she said as they sat down again.

“I don’t get to eat this stuff very often so I figured I’d go all out,” he shrugged.

“Oh? Why not?” she asked.

“Elaina doesn’t care for it,” he said.

“Ah. Ze fiance?” she asked, accentuating the word in a corny french accent.

“Oui oui” he confirmed with a smirk.

“If it makes you feel any better I’m in the same boat. Brent hates it too.”

“Da Hoosbund?” he said in a terrible Jamaican accent.

“Ya mon,” she giggled back.

He asked her about him and she described how they had met online and that she had moved here with him 2 years ago when he got a job teaching at the college. She had made a few friends in that time, but she sympathized with Jon being alone and new in a city like this.

She agreed with him how it wasn’t small enough to feel like a small town but not big enough to have a lot of big-city entertainment options, and a lot of people were fairly clique-y. She said there were a couple of good places for live music though, and he agreed he should check them out sometime.

They talked more about music, already knowing they had a lot of similar tastes. To his surprise she was a vinyl collector, and used to work in a music store in university. He said he couldn’t picture that, but she told him her hair used to be a very different color and style. She showed him a healed up nose piercing hole, and said that there might be a tattoo hiding somewhere on her, which he found very intriguing but he didn’t push it.

He mentioned he had a dusty old acoustic guitar stashed away with all their boxes in their basement from the move. She admitted she had the same, and he eventually got out of her that she was a singer. She had apparently been good enough to have been accepted into the vocal music degree program at the university but had decided to switch into pharmacy instead. She blushed heavily when he said he’d love to hear her sing sometime.

They talked naturally and amicably, joking back and forth until he got a text from Beth.

– Sorry to text but your first 2 patients are waiting

He looked at the time, 1:15.

“Crap the time got away on me. We should go pay”

She sighed, but agreed. They went dutch on the bill and walked together back to the strip mall, talking and joking.

He finally said goodbye and stood awkwardly about to lean in for a hug but unsure. She instead grabbed both his hands and squeezed briefly and their fingers slid apart as she turned and left, flashing her dimples at him. He smiled, breathed deeply, and walked back into the clinic, feeling more full of life than he had in a long time.

*****

“I didn’t know you still had that thing,” Elaina said as she walked into the basement, gesturing at the open guitar case.

“What? No way I could throw this girl away,” Jon replied. “I feel bad enough that I’d prettymuch forgotten about her.”

He picked the guitar up and examined the tuners at the top.

She rolled her eyes, “I don’t know why you insist on saying ‘her’ in reference to an inanimate object.”

He laughed, “You don’t need to be jealous of her honey.”

“That’s NOT what I was implying,” she said with an annoyed frown.

He smirked and raised an eyebrow looking at the guitar, “Or maybe you do…” he said jokingly.

She scoffed and put her fists on her hips. Not amused.

“It’s the curves you see,” he said running his hand down the edge of the frame and chuckling.

“When you’re ready to stop playing around like a child, please come upstairs. There are a few more wedding venues I want to show you,” she said as she turned to go up the stairs again.

He finally got it in tune and tried a few simple chords. Then started into the first few notes of Classical Gas. He used to know it solid and impressed a lot of his friends. Some of the muscle-memory was still there, but he was very out of practice. He would definitely need to get new strings, he realized, as he looked down at the rust stains on his finger tips. His playing had slowly dwindled through medical school and residency as with everything else in his old life. He remembered bringing it out a few times, and playing a song or two for Elaina trying to impress her. She seemed to be indifferent to it though.

He put it back in the case and put it against the wall in the den and headed upstairs.

She had her laptop open on the table, sipping a glass of wine. She went through all the details of 3 different wedding locations. All of them seemed ridiculously lavish to him. It came down to a choice between manicured country estate, or crystal chandelier and gold-covered ballroom. He could see a lot of his extended family being turned away from both.

The cost wasn’t even the issue. Her parents had tried to insist on paying for the entire wedding, and they easily could have, but on principle Elaina had negotiated them down to 50%. His parents had offered to contribute, bless their souls, but he already made far more than them, and he reassured them they were fine.

The venues and the plan in general just seemed like they were trying way too hard to impress… who? Only themselves really. He tried to remind himself that she was far from the first bride needing to feel like a literal princess on her special day, so he kept his thoughts to himself.

He said he liked the country estate, but only then did she admit that she had been leaning towards the ballroom.

“Well I suppose it’s all a moot point until we actually can see them in person,” she said, closing the laptop.

“Hey before I forget I was thinking of inviting one of the pharmacists that works near us to the party,” he said.

“Oh? Okay great. Who is it?”

“Her name’s Carly.”

“Mm,” she responded quietly, not meeting his eyes.

“Oh, and her husband Brent.”

“Great! I’ll put them both on the list,” she said, noticeably brightening up.

He raised an eyebrow and decided to ignore her behavior.

“I still haven’t asked her yet,” he reminded her.

“Well make sure you remember to,” she said. “On that note, I was thinking we should hire someone to remove that brick firepit next to the garden before the party. It’s unsightly and it was bothering me when I was walking back there earlier. The garden itself is too honestly, but there’s only so much we can do.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it honey, people aren’t likely to hang out around there much anyway. I figured we’d wait until we dealt with the garden.”

She sighed “Okay.” I just wanted this place to look it’s best, but we’ll make do.”

He went back downstairs and opened his laptop to look up locations of music stores in the city, and trying to remember what gauge of guitar strings he would want.

He thought for a minute about texting Carly. For some reason his mind went to the process of deciding when to call a girl after a date, and not wanting to look too eager. He reminded himself that it wasn’t relevant here, but he decided he’d wait until tomorrow anyway.

The next day was hell. One of the other docs was suddenly ill and they had to triage which patients were urgent enough that they couldn’t reschedule them, and then distributed their appointments among all the other docs. So, in addition to his full roster he had to fit in a bunch of other unfamiliar patients on to his list. It would have been a tough day even without that. There were lots of difficult patients, and a ton more forms thrown at him than usual. His computer kept glitching and slowing down. Beth brought him a coffee without asking halfway through the afternoon saying that he looked like he needed it. She was right.

It didn’t seem like the day would ever end, but finally he made his way home.

He collapsed on the couch downstairs around 8 o’clock after a rushed takeout supper. Elaina was on call and was caught up at the hospital. He closed his eyes and considered trying to fall asleep, but he could feel his pulse in his eyelids.

He felt his phone buzz. A text from Elaina saying she would be at least another hour, maybe two, and that she was glad she was finally getting more work. He sighed. Looking at his text list, he suddenly remembered he hadn’t asked Carly about the party.

He thought for a second, then typed.

– Hey, how was your day?

He laid back and closed his eyes again.

Less than a minute later she responded.

– Kinda boring to be honest, I didn’t have you to bug me 😉

– Sorry I was tied up, otherwise I would’ve come over to awkwardly hand you prescriptions all day.

– Well try to make time in the future K? JK. Busy day?

– You have no idea, it was a shit-show

– Well, tell me about it…

– I don’t want to hit you with a wall of text.

To his surprise suddenly a call came through, from her.

“Hey. You didn’t have to call,” he said, worried he had made her concerned.

“I know, but I wanted to, you said it was too much to text. Plus sarcasm doesn’t really come through via text so our conversations would be hopeless.”

He chuckled, “True.”

“So lay it on me Dr. Grumpy, what’s eatin ya?”

They talked about his day and the extra patients, all the little things that made it worse. Hearing himself saying it all out loud made it sound kind of lame to him, making him think that he didn’t really have much reason to feel as bad as he did, and giving himself a bit of perspective. She was nothing but empathetic though, listening kindly, and validating what he felt. She had to tell him twice not to apologize for griping.

After a while he was feeling considerably better.

They talked about his time in residency and med school, and the inner city clinics. She was impressed by that, and she mentioned that even though this city hid the problem well, there was still a shelter downtown that didn’t get much notice, but was apparently very busy.

They had gotten lost in conversation and he almost completely forgot to ask her about the party.

“Oh by the way, before I forget, Elaina and I are throwing a bit of a party on the Saturday two and a half weeks from now.”

“A BIT of a party?”

“Okay well actually a HUGE party if Elaina gets her way, but anyway, you and Brent are more than welcome to come. If thats.. not like, sudden, or forward.. I just fee-”

“OH my! So Sudden! So Forward! Goodness me!” she mocked him in a fake british accent.

“…and you’ve been calling ME a dork?” he scoffed.

She laughed, “Just gettin’ on your level.”

He chuckled and there was a comfortable silence.

“I’d love to come Jon” she finally said, more seriously. “Thanks. I’ll be there.”

“Great, Elaina will be happy to hear that. Brent too?”

She sighed “He’ll probably take some convincing, but hopefully at least for a bit. He always seems to find excuses for stuff like this.”

“We have a jaccuuuziiii,” he sung out jokingly.

“Ooooo, k well I’M excited. He still might not be, but whatever.”

“And there will be booze of course. CLASSY booze even.”

“Gettin there,” she said with a soft laugh.

“OK OK, and the coup de grace… A tour of the house and yard by my future wife, to show you in exquisite detail exactly how much larger, gaudier and more excessive it is compared to everyone else’s, including your own!” he said in mock excitement.

“HA!” she snorted “K well ironically that might sway him cause he teaches design and engineering courses.”

“Well there you go.”

She giggled. Then they fell silent again for a few seconds.

“I like talking to you Jon,” Carly said quietly.

“You too,” he said smiling. “Thanks for making me feel better.”

“Anytime.”

He heard the front door open.

“But I gotta go,” he said.

He heard her sigh, “Yeah I should too. Catch ya later dork-wad.”

“Right back atcha,” he chuckled, and hung up.

He laid back and closed his eyes, feeling relaxed.

An hour later Elaina woke up him up asking why he was sleeping on the couch.

*****

Thank God it was Friday.

The clinic didn’t give him any relief from the previous day’s chaos. The same doctor was still sick, so more unfamiliar patients on his list again. He had to work through lunch hour.

A call to an insurance company to figure out a problem with someone’s benefit form, 15 minutes of being on hold while work piled up only to be told a new, longer form needed to be filled out.

A husband and wife, both morbidly obese, with the same back pain for years, both convinced that it meant the same type of cancer in each of them, because their cousin’s neighbor told a story with similar symptoms, and that it could in no way be related to their weight problem, because that didn’t exist. Both even had normal imaging results already, but wouldn’t leave until he had a plan to figure out exactly why they were dying. He rested his head on the desk afterwards, reassuring himself that at least they deserved each other.

Beth walked in and handed him a note with a phone number on it.

“Dr. Pronger from the hospital called, said it wasn’t urgent but to give him a call sometime before the end of the day.”

“K thanks,” he said.

“You hanging in there? I’d give you another coffee but to be honest you seem jittery enough,” she said.

“I’ll survive,” he reassured her

“So, don’t take it personal, but Mrs Johnson left. She said she was sick of waiting and blahblahblah my time is important too, etc, and stormed out.”

“Goddammit,” he said, closing his eyes as he sighed. “Sorry you had to take that Beth.”

“Oh whatever it’s nothing, I’m a tough girl. It’s not the first time. Not even for her actually, she’s done it waiting for other docs too.”

“I guess that makes me feel a little better.”

“K. So, that makes it just 3 more patients, and then it’s the Weekeeennd,” she sung out the last word and moved her hips back and forth in a little dance. He couldn’t help noticing the curves of her body under her thin form-fitting sweater as she moved.

She stopped herself and blushed, “Sorry.”

He smirked, “It’s fine Beth, thanks.”

He decided to leave the phone call until afterwards, in case any more patients were about to leave. He worked through the last 3 appointments without any major hangups, thankfully, but still ended fairly late, feeling like he had been run over by a truck.

He hoped Dr. Pronger was still around. He picked up the phone and dialed.

“Hi this is Dr. Davidson from the Creekside Clinic, Dr. Pronger had wanted to speak with me.”

He closed his eyes in exhaustion while he waited to be transferred.

“Hello?”

“Hi, it’s Dr. Davidson here.”

“Oh, hi there, yeah thanks for getting back to me. It was nothing emergent but I wanted to let you know we have some bad news about one of your patients.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, there was a death”

Must have been Mrs Collin finally. He thought

“It wasn’t anything you did, there was no error or anything, we’re just letting you know. Do you recall a Garrett Myers?”

His jaw dropped. Garrett. The young college kid with depression. “Yeah he’s a patient of mine.”

“Well he was brought in to the ER this morning as a code blue, and ended up not making it. Looks like it was a suicidal overdose the night before and his roommates didn’t find him until the morning. They ran the code and tried to revive him, but to be honest it sounded like he was already long gone. I just wanted to let you know, I’m not sure if anyone had contacted you.”

“Uh, No. No they hadn’t. Thanks for the call. I appreciate it,” Jon said, feeling his eyes burning up, and fighting to keep his voice professional.

“Yeah no worries. Take care now,” the other doc said nonchalantly and hung up.

He got up to leave and suddenly realized he had no where to go. He had to stay and finish his work. He put two tightly clenched fists down onto the desk and leaned into it. He stood there and stared at the computer screen. He wasn’t sure for how long.

It wasn’t the first patient he had lost. Not by a long shot. He had even lost younger one’s like him on his ICU and ER rotations and it always stung, but this felt different. He had connected with this guy. He had reminded him of himself at that age, and he had been seeming to do better! He was his success story, and now instead, was the first of his own personal patients to die. He knew depression was unpredictable, and suicide was never completely preventable, but those textbook facts offered no consolation.

Beth walked in.

“Okay Dr. Davidson I’m heading out. I’ll see you Mond- Oh my God! what’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost!”

He snapped out of his thoughtless trance and looked at her.

“I… I’ll be fine. It was…” He decided she might as well know. “Do you remember Garrett? About your age, maybe a little younger, black hair.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I remember him.”

“He died last night. Suicide.”

“Oh My God! I’m so sorry…”

He nodded, “That’s all it is.”

She moved forward to hug him, “Hey if there’s anything I can-…” she stopped herself. She took an awkward step back as if she’d bounced off an invisible barrier and then leaned up against the wall and hugged her arms around herself instead. Pushing her breasts up, her sweater even more distinctly outlining their contours. He couldn’t help but notice. He stared into her beautiful sad eyes as she stared back at his, both of them starting to well up with tears, but possibly for different reasons.

“Hey, by the way I um, wanted to tell you I changed the lock on my phone, and… I think I’m gonna cut back on drinking a bit, so last weekend will never happen again,” she said.

“That’s… good Beth, thanks. This week was good. You’re doing really well. You don’t need to worry about your job,” he reassured her.

“Thanks,” she said, and sniffed.

Her gaze lingered on him for a few more seconds and then she quickly left.

His eyes were drawn to her flexing, perfectly round ass as she walked out the door.

He chastised himself for being a creep as he sat down. It was the last conscious thought he could remember having before leaving the clinic. He worked through the last few charts with his mind completely checked out. Silent and numb.

He brainlessly punched in the alarm code and walked in a beeline to his car, barely registering the world around him.

He sat down and stared out the windshield. His breathing quickened. He gripped the steering wheel tightly with both his hands as if trying to grab control of something. Anything. He felt like he had none.

He couldn’t make himself stop hating this job, the career he’d fought tooth and nail to get into, and all he could do was piss and moan about it. He couldn’t stop leering at his young assistant like a greasy sleezeball sack of shit. He couldn’t just be happy with his gorgeous devoted fiance and their rich life together. He couldn’t handle losing a patient in a job where that happens all the fucking time and he’d seen it and got through it before, why was it so hard now? What the fuck was wrong with him?!

Tears filled his eyes. He shook. He gripped tightly at the steering wheel and pulled, shaking harder. He wanted to rip the thing off of the fucking dashboard. He held on for dear life thinking if he let go he would punch his fist through the window. He yelled out as loud as he could, his broken voice reverberating through the car. Then hung his head, breathing deep shuddering breaths.

There was a tap on the window.

“Jon?..”

Oh God no, not Carly, please no…

The door opened.

“Jon what’s wrong? Are y- OH Shit! Look at you!” She climbed into the passenger seat without asking and closed the door.

“It’s… I…” he turned away from her, tears were streaming down his face. Too many things overwhelmed him, including embarrassment now.

“Hey. Hey it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me, you don’t have to talk okay? Just… Here.” She reached up and slid her hand over his on the steering wheel and coaxed it away. She clasped her fingers in his and brought it down in between them, rubbing the back of his hand and his wrist with the other as she squeezed.

“Just breathe, Jon. I’m here for you, it’s okay,” she continued.

He brought his other hand over his mouth and ground his teeth together, then rubbed his hand over his face. She caressed and massaged up his forearm.

He put his hand back on the steering wheel and squeezed briefly, then hung his head down and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what to do or say, but he just couldn’t remain still. She kept holding his hand and moved her other to caresses up his bicep. It felt good. His mind was able to look away from the panic of existential dread that had been consuming him, and instead focused on her voice, and her caring touch. He started to relax and let his head fall forward to the steering wheel.

HONK!!

“AH!” She screamed and squeezed his arm into her.

His head jolted back away from the horn.

He chuckled despite himself, “Sorry.”

She giggled, “You scared me.”

They laughed together. He started to notice that she had pulled his arm against her breast at the jump-scare and now it was jiggling into him.

He leaned back against the headrest and turned to look at her as his laughter subsided, sniffing and breathing out more slowly.

She looked into his eyes, in a worried, but affectionate stare.

“You… were scaring me,” she said. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yeah,” he breathed deeply. “Yeah it’s just… Fuck it’s so many things. But today…” He sighed, “Someone died.”

“In the clinic!?” she went wide-eyed.

“What? No, no in the ER, this morning, but it was one of my patients. They just called me about it a little while ago.”

“Right, of course, sorry, I’m an idiot.”

He smirked, “No, it’s okay. He was a young guy. Suicide. It just… hit hard.” he explained.

“Yeah no kidding. I’m so sorry Jon.”

He shook his head, “I should be better at coping with it than this. It’s not my first time dealing with death…”

“Well no, it’s a tragedy,” she countered. “It’s awful, and like you said there’s other shit you’re going through. The stress adds up right?”

“Yeah. It does,” he sighed. “Sorry you got looped into this, I thought I was alone.”

She looked up into his eyes, and ran her hand over his chest, up his neck and held the side of his face.

“Well you’re not.” she whispered and squeezed his arm against her more tightly.

He smiled, and stared at her. “Thank you,” he whispered.

He leaned forward and their foreheads touched, and she held his head against hers as he closed his eyes and breathed.

He could feel her warm breath mixing with his. Their noses brushed against each other.

Only in hindsight had he realized how close they were to kissing. Instead, he slid his head down to her shoulder and wrapped his arms around her in a close hug. She squeezed her arms around him and started rubbing her hands over his back. He closed his eyes tightly and sunk into her soft warm embrace. It felt incredible. He never wanted to move. He just relaxed and felt their chests rising and falling into each other. She massaged the back of his neck and he nuzzled into hers. He heard her let out a barely audible whimper.

He finally let her go and sat up, their arms still embraced. He rubbed his hands over her soft shoulders and admired her. She had welled up with tears as well, making her make-up run a bit, but her face was still beautiful. Her wavy blonde hair looked even cuter mussed up from their hug. Her light green sweater was open in the front to reveal a white top with a square neckline revealing the tops of her pristine breasts. Her moist eyes seemed to sparkle even more than usual. She was like an angel that had flown down from heaven to save him and steal away his pain.

“I should let you go,” he said with a tender smile.

“You don’t have to…” she smiled back and squeezed his arms. “Are you… okay to drive?”

“I should be. I think…” he said gulping and looking at the dashboard.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?” she suggested. “Cool down a bit more. Then you’ll be sure.”

He thought for a second, “Yeah. I’ve got time for that. That sounds nice.”

She sniffed and smiled wide, giving his arms one last squeeze, “Come on.”