“Hey.” I looked at him. “Uh. I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here, but actually… Do you… have a minute?”
“I really have to finish this…” He glanced up at me and saw my face. He swallowed and checked his phone and turned to me with a sigh. “Never mind. You alright, Jude?”
“Yeah.” I said quietly. “Maybe.” I said. I looked at Ryan. “It’s…. I guess…” I fiddled with my ring. Ryan sighed as he watched me and sat back in his chair.
“Cold feet, Jude?” He guessed.
“Cold fiancé.” I muttered. “I guess. I’d just… I mean if you have any advice… Was it weird when you and Sam got engaged? Did things change?” Ryan looked at me thoughtfully.
“Well… me and Sam have our own… thing.” He said slowly. “And it hasn’t always worked. We actually see a therapist once every few months just to… check in… you know- in a safe space…” He swallowed. “But no- I mean I was badgering him for months before he agreed to marry me.” He laughed. “We both wanted each other for the rest of our lives and marriage didn’t change that- I mean that was kind of the point…”
“Levi has been…” I sighed. Levi’s been what exactly? His usual self? Deeply upsetting me by not coming home? Slowly replaced in my fantasies by the charming barista doing admin for me? I cleared my throat. “So therapy. It helped?”
“It helps.” Ryan said. He winced and stared at his desk. “Sometimes you don’t even know you’re going too far… or…” He shook his head. “Levi’s cold?” I nodded slowly.
“He’s…” I glanced at Ryan. “Did Sam ever… or did you… I mean… is it normal to…” Ryan started to smile as I stuttered my way through a never ending sentence.
“You have to give me something here, buddy.” He sat back at his desk. “Go on, what’s on your mind?” He asked softly. I sighed.
“I… I see other guys texting him.” I said. “And not just like… Luke from the office. Like HungDaddy91. And SugarBearxx and… fucking Edgar…” Ryan inhaled sharply.
“Oh.” He said.
“Am I being crazy?” Ryan raised his eyebrows.
“Uh…. no.” He said. “I think I’d have something to say if Sam was getting texts from SugarBearxx.” He touched my knee. “Talk to him.” He said quietly. I swallowed.
“What if I’m just being crazy?”
“What if you’re not?” Ryan squeezed my knee. “What’s the worst that can happen?” I winced.
“That I’m right.” I said flatly.
“And if you are right, isn’t it better that you know now? Before the stupidly expensive non refundable venue is booked?” I shrugged.
“But… maybe it’s ok.” I said quietly. “He still loves me. Maybe that’s just who he is. Maybe I never have to know, and it’s ok…” Ryan’s phone started ringing and he sighed.
“Fuck. Sorry- two seconds, promise, or I’ll be fucking-” He picked it up before he finished his sentence. “Sammy- no, I know I’m behind. Sam. There’s a guy at the office who needs me, I’m just gonna have to- Sam. SAM. Red! Yes, Red. Just a friend needs an ear right now ok? Ok. Thank you. Love you… love you more… ok, ok bye.” I glanced at him. Did he just safeword in the middle of…? He put his phone down and folded his arms. “Jude.” He said quietly. “I’m really sorry. I mean- I don’t really know you guys so I can’t tell you how you feel. But you have to talk to him, figure out the truth….” I sighed and started wilting at his desk.
“I don’t really want to hear the truth.” I said sullenly. “I want him to lie to me.”
“And that’s gonna work long term is it?” I glared at Ryan and he met my gaze with a sad smile. “Maybe it’s just not meant to be Levi.” He said quietly. “That’s ok, Jude. Breakups always hurt, but time heals all wounds.” I nodded slowly.
“Well thanks.” I said and stood up. “I think I really wanted to hear that I’m imagining things and Levi is perfect but thanks.” Ryan smiled.
“No one is perfect.” He said. “Talk to him.”
“I wish you weren’t right, asshole.” I said as I slid off his desk. He grinned.
“You sound JUST like my husband.” He said.
—–
Levi came home and his face fell as he saw me sitting at the table with a bottle of wine.
“The whole place reeks.” He grumbled as he approached me. “Thought you quit.”
“I tried to quit.” I said, staring at the glass in front of me. I looked up at Levi. “Oooh, maybe we could make a deal.” I giggled. Levi rolled his eyes.
“You’re drunk.”
“So drunk.” I sighed and leant on my hand, watching him as he unpacked his bag. “This is like, my third bottle.”
“Ew.” Levi said.
“Anyway. Darling, how’s this… I’ll quit smoking and you quit Edgar?” Levi’s back shot up straight. I laughed at him.
“Oh like you’re sooooo subtle?” I grinned and managed to hook my legs around his. He turned to face me looking pale. “Aw Levi.” I pulled him close and he wriggled away. “Don’t be sad baby. I know you can’t help being a whore…” Levi’s white face went red and in a second I was cradling my cheek where it stung from his slap. “Hey!” I shouted.
“Fuck.” He dropped to his knees and tried to pry my hand away from my face. “Shit. Jude… I’m sorry… let me see….”
“Get off me asshole!” I pushed him away and started to laugh as I saw the devastation on his face. “God you can really fucking slap can’t you?” I let him fuss with me, inspecting the damage. He swallowed as he looked at me.
“Crap.” He said. “You know I really, really thought you’d be the one to hit me first.”
“First?” Levi shrugged.
“First. Like we didn’t both know where this was going.” He sighed and ran his fingers through my hair. “It’s like that movie…”
“Which one?”
“Any of them.” He pulled up a chair and sat next to me, entwining our hands and taking a swig from the bottle of wine in front of me. “Any of them where the pretty blonde ingenue marries a career man who doesn’t make enough time for her so she whores around until he beats her up.” He sighed. “I figured that was where we were going.” My stomach sank as I looked at him.
“Asshole.” I murmured. “I’m a lot of things but I’d never hit you.”
“Sometimes I wish you would.” He said quietly. “I deserve it.”
“So joining a boxing club.” Levi laughed and squeezed my hand. “I’m not that guy.” I said with a sigh. “You can keep fucking whoever you want Lee, but I’ll never punish you for it.” Levi’s face fell again.
“That’s the worst punishment.” He said. He stood up and grabbed himself a glass and sat next to me again, silently pouring us each another glass. “Why am I like this?” He asked.
“Beats me.” I shrugged. “Maybe you hurt people so they don’t hurt you. Maybe you knew from the beginning we weren’t right for each other. Maybe…” I paused and looked up at him. I leant over and kissed his forehead. “Maybe you’re just an insatiable slut.”
“Maybe.” He said quietly. “Maybe I’m just a fucking asshole.”
“Oh yeah. Yeah you are. You’re an absolutely despicable human being.”
“Yeah. Love you, Jude.”
“Love you too, Levi.”