In The Death Cell

I sat in my bay window, watching the children playing in the street for the millionth time. Every night, there I sat. I played my beloved Billy Joel albums and watched the children play.

I saw Tommy Jones, Danny Frick, and Mark Fisher throwing a Nerf football around. It would be a minute, but Jimmy Spellman would run up from the next street over to join them.

Jimmy was my son.

I thought about how I could let myself get into a circumstance where the only way I saw my son was through my window. I thought if my ex-wife, Carrie, knew he was that close, she’d run him home.

He always waved at me watching him and smiled. He was ten so he was old enough to get the gist of what happened between his mom, me, and her lover. Her “trade-up.”

I think it was the way she told me about her leaving me for Greg that killed me most.

I came home from work on a normal Tuesday and said, “Jim, I’m pregnant.”

I picked her up and spun her in a hug, telling her how happy I was. The only problem was, I didn’t realize she was crying and not hugging me back.

I set her down and was about to talk about how we would need a larger house when she broke me.

“It’s not yours, Jim. I’m leaving and moving in with Greg Allen.”

“Greg “fucking” Allen. The neighborhood asshole. The bachelor prick, that drives the flashy Lexis and brings $200 bottles of whiskey to neighborhood parties. Who the fuck does that? Just bring a case of beer, guy, Jesus.

As soon as I realized what she said, I left the house and walked the two blocks to Greg’s house and beat the cowboy shit out of him. He sure was surprised to see me at his door. I still don’t understand why he was. She was moving in with him and already had her and Jimmy’s bags packed–as I found out later. He had to expect an ass kicking.

So, the prick called the cops and I ended up going to jail for the night. Carrie got a restraining order against me, protecting her and Jimmy from me, and divorce papers were served on me a week later. I never did get to directly ask why she cheated on me.

***

The Nerf football game ended when Mark got called in for dinner and Jimmy blew me a kiss goodbye. I pointed to my mailbox at the curb and smiled when Jimmy opened it.

He jumped in the air and pumped his fist. I could hear him scream, “Yes!” as if he were next to me. I gave him a cell phone. My ex told him he couldn’t have one until he was twelve.

I agreed with her that he was too young. I just wanted to stick it to her, and I’d deal with the fallout later. My sister said she’d take the blame for giving it to him.

He pulled out the note I left that read:

Jimmy,

I love you more than anything. You have to keep the phone hidden though. If you get caught with it, tell your mom your Aunt Jenny gave it to you. You have unlimited data, so you don’t have to be on Wi-Fi to use it, and I have a card attached so you can buy games and stuff from the App Store. You’ve also got a music subscription, and I downloaded all of Billy Joel’s music for you, so enjoy. I’m sorry I messed up and can’t see you, but I miss you every day. My numbers are programmed in and so are Aunt Jenny and Grandma and Grandpa. Please don’t call my number unless it’s an emergency. I’ll get in trouble with the police. There’s a number programmed in under the name of Mike. That is a number I have for a different phone that can’t be traced to me. You can text me at that number anytime but don’t call me “dad” in the texts. Sorry, buddy, but it has to be that way for a while. Leave this note in the mailbox. I love you!”

The smile on his face melted me and I broke down. He crumpled the note and put it back in the mailbox. He took the phone, headphones, and charger and left the packaging. He shouted, “I love you!” and ran off.

Billy Joel was my favorite rock singer, and it was always an inside joke between me and Jimmy. He said he hated him, but I knew the music grew on him. Every once in a while, Jimmy would throw a song lyric out in conversation to see if I’d catch it. Yeah, it’s weird, but it was our thing.

I remember when Jimmy got a D on a test and Carrie told him, “You’re a straight-A student.”

Jimmy said without missing a beat, “I guess I think too much.”

I laughed and Carrie got pissed not realizing the play on the old “It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me” lyric.

As I said, it’s weird, but it’s our thing.

***

I worked for a construction company as a jack of all trades mechanic. I worked on everything from small cars to big cranes, and I’d been doing it since I graduated high school. It was pretty good money, and I had a winter layoff each year giving me a nice break.

Carrie was a teacher. We met at a country bar and hit it off immediately. She never complained that I was a mechanic and I never complained she was a teacher. It was a normal courtship, and we were married within three years of meeting.

We bought a two-bedroom ranch house, with the plan of moving up as needed. I guess her idea of moving up didn’t include me.

I suppose I was an idiot because I had no idea she was cheating on me until she told me she was carrying that asshole’s kid.

No one liked him. The guys tolerated him, barely, and that was only so they could drink the Johnny Blue he always showed up with. The ladies avoided him like the plague, I guess all except Carrie.

I never wanted to know why or how it started, bad enough to find out. It was clear she wanted more than a mechanic for a husband. It didn’t matter that I had a steady union job with a pension and benefits.

Hell, she never complained about money. We had a good amount saved and went on vacations, did Disney, and she bought all the clothes she ever wanted, so I was truly blindsided.

The only hint I had that something was different was she was putting down my job for a while before the end. It didn’t matter that I made more money than her. No, I became “the grease monkey.”

The first time she called me that, I was wiping my hands after changing her oil. She walked past me in the garage, and I grabbed her and pulled her in for a kiss. I got a smudge of dirt on her cheap cotton t-shirt, and she went ballistic.

“God, damn it, Jim! This is a new shirt and you’ve ruined it.”

I laughed, “baby, it’s a five-buck t-shirt from Walmart. I’ll buy you a dozen for another hug and kiss.”

I leaned in and she pushed me away.

“Hurry up and finish, grease monkey. I have to go to the store.”

After that, she would call me the grease monkey whenever she referred to me. She called me by my name to my face, but I got annoyed with the barb really quick.

***

She’d been living with Greg for several months and the divorce was newly finalized when I gave Jimmy the phone. The restraining order was contested by my lawyer, but I screwed up and violated it by kicking Greg in the nuts when he dared show up at my neighbor’s barbecue with my family in tow.

I knew I had to leave, but I hugged Jimmy as I was going, and Greg made a shitty comment about the growing baby in Carrie’s belly being his and he called me a cuck-pussy. I lost it and kicked him as hard as I could in the crotch. Thankfully, my neighbor and his wife told the cops Greg was stopping me from leaving. I didn’t get arrested for kicking him nor violating the restraining order. They did use the incident to show that they still needed the restraining order at the next hearing though.

A month after I gave him the phone, we were exchanging texts every other day. There were no declarations of love or references to me being his dad, but I was keeping up with his day-to-day life which is what I longed for. I was surprised he hadn’t been caught with it, but it was working well for us.

One night, I heard the burner phone ringing and it surprised me. I never got calls on it, just texts from Jimmy.

“Jimmy, you shouldn’t be calling…”

“Dad, help!” He shouted. “Greg was hitting mom and pushed me. I have a cut on my head from hitting the door. I tried to help her, Dad, but…”

“Jimmy, I’m on my way. Get out of the house if you can. Run over here. I’ll call the police to help your mom.”

He didn’t respond. Instead, I heard rustling and Greg screaming at him. I took off running for their house. Restraining order be damned, I had to help my son.

I forgot to call 911 but I made it to his house quickly anyway. I kicked in the front door and saw Jimmy crawling around under the dining room table trying to avoid Greg who was trying to grab him.

I saw Carrie laying on the hallway floor. She was moving, trying to push herself up, but it wasn’t working. I hoped her almost full-term baby was okay and then wondered why I gave a shit.

Greg came at me in a rage. He clumsily tried to tackle me leading with his shoulder. I side-stepped and pushed him through the screen door onto the steps. He fell onto the sidewalk, rolled onto the grass, and looked dazed.

“Jimmy!” I shouted. “Call 911 and tell them we need the police.”

“Okay!”

I kept my eye on Greg and felt a touch on my shoulder. I spun around ready to strike but it was Carrie.

“Jim, I…”

“Stay away from me. I’m in enough trouble coming to save Jimmy from your piece of shit, better man.”

She winced and stepped back.

“Go check on Jimmy, he’s bleeding. I told him to call 911. Make sure he did.”

She gasped and limped away, crying. She was hurt and I felt like shit for being rough on her, but it wasn’t my fault Greg flipped the fuck out.

I watched as he sat up, on the lawn, and fell back down. I smiled thinking he must’ve knocked his head pretty good on the sidewalk.

It occurred to me I wasn’t supposed to be near the house, so I walked a few houses down. I figured I might as well honor that stupid order even though I broke it helping Jimmy already. I kicked Greg in the nuts when I walked past him. I was starting to like doing that.

Trey Jackson, Greg’s neighbor, laughed and followed along with me as his wife, Tsion, went into the house to see to Carrie and Jimmy. Another neighbor I didn’t know made sure Greg stayed put.

“What happened, Jim?” He asked as I stopped and sat down on the grass about two hundred feet away from the house.

“Jimmy called me for help and said Greg hit Carrie and pushed him. I ran over to help.”

“Jesus. We heard the shouting, but we had no idea he hit them. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Then I laughed and said, “I didn’t even get to hit the fucker. He charged me and I just pushed him out the door.”

We laughed together, and then the police arrived with an ambulance.

“Trey, would you mind telling the cops what happened. Let them know I’m staying over here because of the court order.”

“Sure, Jim. I hope it all works out for you. We all know you didn’t deserve what happened.”

“Thanks, man.”

I watched as the Police talked to Trey, the other neighbor, and the now awake Greg. Trey pointed to me, as one of the cops cuffed Greg and sat him in their cruiser. They took Carrie out on a stretcher and Jimmy came out holding Tsion’s hand with a bandage on his forehead.

One of the officers gave me the come here finger and I complied. He met me halfway and said, “You’re Jim Spellman?”

“Yes, sir.”

“What happened?”

I told him everything and he made notes. While that happened, the ambulance left and the car with Greg left.

“Is my son okay?”

“He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Seems so. They’re gonna check him for concussion and any other potential issues from the head injury.”

I nodded as he continued, “Mr. Spellman, I think we have to take you in because of the violation of the court order. I’m waiting for the final word on that. You understand?”

“Yeah. I had to help Jimmy, Officer. That piece of paper be damned.”

His radio squawked and he stepped away from me. I’ll never understand how they can communicate with those things. It just sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher to me.

He turned and said, “Your ex-wife declined to press the issue with the order. Since what you did seems like self-defense to us, you’re free to go for now. That may change if the guy presses charges and they decide to let the judge sort it out. Go on home. Do not go to the hospital.”

“Yes, sir,” I said and walked home hoping Jimmy was alright. For a fleeting moment, I hoped Carrie was okay too. I shook that off.

***

I called my lawyer the next morning to let him know what happened. He said to not do anything else and not to contact Jimmy or Carrie again. “You’ll be lucky if that asshole doesn’t press charges,” was his final word. I guess me kicking in his door didn’t look too good for me, self-defense or not.

I hadn’t gotten any sleep worrying about Jimmy, so I called in sick to work. I also called my mom to have her see if Jimmy was okay. She was able to get ahold of Carrie and called me back to let me know they were both okay. Carrie was kept in the hospital to make sure the baby was okay, and Jimmy was picked up by Carrie’s mom and dad.

I always liked her parents. They were good people who took my side during the divorce. Her dad, Dan, forbid Carrie from bringing Greg into their home. They also kept me up to date on some of the bigger things going on in Jimmy’s life. I don’t know if Carrie knew about that or not.

I got a call from my lawyer later that morning and he told me Greg wasn’t bailed out and was going to sit in lockup until his court appearance. I guess the aggravating circumstances of Carrie being pregnant and his hurting Jimmy hurt his chances of making bail.

I was surprised when he told me that Carrie’s lawyer filed a motion to dismiss the order of protection against me. I would be notified of a court date for that. I fell to my knees and broke down and cried realizing I could soon hug my son again.

***

Carrie called me several times over the next two weeks. I wasn’t going to take a chance and blow it with the court, so I didn’t return her calls. She never left a message other than pleading with me to talk to her.

When the court date came, I had gotten a haircut, bought on a new suit, and shaved off my beard. I had to make as good an impression as possible and looking like I’d been living in a forest for six months wasn’t going to cut it.

The judge wasn’t playing games and didn’t just sign the dismissal. She asked a lot of questions, and most were related to why I was safe to be around then and not before. It almost seemed to me that she was trying to find out if Carrie was lying or being coerced by me. Thankfully, after all her questions were answered to her satisfaction, and she dismissed the order, and I could see my son again.

Carrie walked up to me as we were leaving the courtroom and said, “Thank you for coming to our rescue that night. If you wouldn’t have come, I don’t think the police would’ve made it in time. I believe he would’ve killed me; he was so enraged.”

“Yeah? Well, I would never allow my son to be hurt. I would’ve never put….”

“Don’t say it, Jim. I know it’s all my fault. He wouldn’t have been in a position to be hurt if he wasn’t in that monster’s house in the first place. I…”

She didn’t finish her thought. She ran away, crying.

“Jim,” my lawyer said. “I’ll set up a call with her attorney to work out a visitation schedule. Congratulations. You’re free to see him now.”

I walked out of the courthouse, and if I were in a cartoon, I’d have been floating on air. I was so happy; I couldn’t wait to see Jimmy.

Just as I was getting to my car in the parking garage, I heard Jimmy yell, “Dad!”

I turned and he was getting out of Carrie’s dad’s truck. He ran to me and jumped into my open arms. I hugged him so tightly, he asked me to let him breathe.

Dan walked up as I was hugging him and said, “Sorry, Jim. I tried to get here faster, but traffic sucked.”

“It’s okay. I’m glad you brought him.”

“Where’s Carrie?” He asked.

“I don’t know. She ran off after court and I figure she left.”

“Jim, why don’t you take him for the rest of the day. Maybe grab some dinner together and catch up.”

I frowned. “I’m not sure I can do that. We don’t have a visitation schedule. She might…”

“She’s fine with it,” I heard from behind.

I spun around and Carrie had tears running down her cheeks.

“Go ahead. Spend some time together,” she said. “If you’d like, I’ll bring an overnight bag by, and he can spend the night.”

“Can I?” Jimmy asked.

She nodded and I thanked her.

I felt my heartstrings tug when I looked at her. I felt so badly for her at that moment, and I don’t know why. I guess I didn’t like to see her crying as she was. I knew there was a part of me that still loved her, it was just buried deep beneath the ice covering my heart.

***

As it was summer, Jimmy was out of school. I took some days off and spent as much time with him as I could. Carrie was being gracious about it, and I knew she felt bad about what happened.

She moved out of Greg’s house and in with her parents. I wondered how that was going to work with the baby on its way and it didn’t take long to find out. She went into labor and while she was on the way to the hospital, asked if Jimmy could stay with me for a for a few days or a week.

Jane, her mother, brought Jimmy over and told me she’d let me know how it all went. I couldn’t care less about her bastard child and let Jane know that in no uncertain terms. She wasn’t happy about my attitude but understood.

Eight hours later my life was turned upside down again.

***

Dan called me and said, “Jim, she had a beautiful baby girl. You need to come down here and see her.”

I sighed and said, “Dan, I don’t care about her kid. I’m glad it’s healthy, but…”

“Jim, shut up and get here now. Jane and I will watch Jimmy in the waiting area. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. And if you aren’t here in a half-hour, I’ll come and drag your ass here myself.”

The line went dead, and I stood wondering what the hell was happening.

I called out to Jimmy and told him we were going to the hospital. He was happy, I guess he wanted to see his new sister. I wasn’t sure if they’d let him though.

***

We walked past the gift shop and Jimmy asked, “Can we get her a teddy bear, Dad?”

I was about to say no, then realized he meant for his sister. I let him pick one out and he was happy. We raised a good kid. It was too bad Carrie blew up our family.

Dan and Jane were waiting for us and smiled when they saw Jimmy carrying the pink bear.

“Thank you for coming, son,” Dan said.

“You didn’t give me much of a choice, Dan.”

Jane laughed and said, “She’s in room 1812. They just brought Alison in for a feeding.”

I sighed. Carrie named her after my mom, and I wasn’t thrilled with that. I nodded and walked down the long maze of hallways.

When I got to her door, I heard her singing softly to the child. I was punched with sadness as it was the same lullaby she sang to Jimmy when he was a baby: Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel), by you guessed it, Billy Joel. Damn her.

When I steeled myself and finally walked into the room I almost fainted. The baby had the brightest red hair I’d ever seen on a newborn. Carrie did not have red hair, neither did Greg. I have red hair.

When Jimmy was born with blonde hair, like his mother, I looked up how it worked for the child when one of the parents had red hair and the other didn’t. We both had to carry the gene and it was a 50/50 chance if only one parent had red hair.

The baby could have red hair if neither parent did, but it was only a 25% chance if both carried the gene. I shook it off and continued into the room.

Carrie forced a smile through her tears and said, “I think I made a mistake, Jim.”

I looked at her, shook my head, and walked out of the room.

When I got back to the waiting area, Jane said, “She’s yours, Jim. You see that, right?”

I snorted, “Prove it.”

Dan laughed. “That’s why you’re here, son. They already put the order in with the lab for you to give spit or whatever they do to test DNA. You just have to go downstairs and get it done.”

I shook my head. “It won’t change anything. She broke my heart.”

“It means everything, Jim,” Jane mused. “Everything.”

***

Three days later, Jimmy was eating a bowl of cereal when I walked into the kitchen.

“Any plans for today, Dad?”

“Just the usual Saturday chores, bud. Cut the grass, straighten up the garage, I might even wash the car if I’m feeling froggy. Why?”

“I was kinda hoping you could take me to visit Alison.”

I looked up from my coffee and he got nervous. Carrie was leaving the hospital that morning. I wondered if he knew that.

“I understand you don’t want to visit her, Dad. You can just drop me off at grandpa’s and don’t have to come in.”

I faked a smile and said, “Sure. If you want to spend time with your mom and baby sister, I understand.”

“Dad, I was wondering why you don’t want to see her? Alison I mean.”

“Do you know why your mom and I split up?”

“Because she wanted to be with that jerk.”

I laughed and said, “Right. Alison is their child, not mine.”

“Are you sure? I mean, she has red hair. Doesn’t that mean she’s your daughter?”

I sighed. “I did a test to find that out. I’ll probably find out today or Monday.”

Jimmy looked sad and then he smiled, “If she’s your daughter will you love her?”

Whoa! I wasn’t ready for the inquisition to go there.

“I love you, son. If Alison is my daughter, I’ll love her just as much.”

“What about Mom?” He asked brightly.

I laughed and refilled my mug. “I’m sure your mom will love her either way.”

“Duh! I meant will you love mom?”

I didn’t even think about the answer. “Your mom hurt me the worst way a wife can hurt her husband, Jimmy. She got pregnant and left me for another man. The love I used to have for your mom is gone. She threw me away.”

“Dad, that night when you helped us, wasn’t the first time he hurt mom.”

“What do you mean?” I was shocked.

“I heard him slap her before. And they yelled a lot.” Jimmy had a tear fall from his eye.

I hugged him and asked, “I was never told what that fight was about. Do you know?”

“You. He always put you down. Mom told him to shut up and said he wasn’t half the man you were.”

“I’m sorry about all of that, son. She chose him over me, and she has to live with that for the rest of her life. Believe me, if I’d have known you were in danger, I’d have done everything I could to protect you. Your grandparents too.”

“Why’d she do it, Dad?”

I let him go and we sat down.

“I figure she didn’t want to be married to a mechanic. She wanted a flashy life with nice cars and a nicer house. She wasn’t happy with what I could give her anymore.”

“That’s stupid.”

I laughed and said, “Sometimes adults make stupid choices, bud. We’re only human.”

He smirked and said, “Don’t forget your second wind.”

My head snapped up, “Excuse me?”

“You’ll figure it out,” he said and jumped out of his chair. “I’m gonna get dressed.”

He was out of the room before I realized, and I knew I was in for a battle if he wanted me to take his mom back. I didn’t see that happening, daughter or not. God damned Billy Joel.

***

When I brought Jimmy to the door, Jane answered with Alison in her arms.

“Hi, Jim. Have you heard from the doctor yet?”

“No,” I answered, trying not to look at the beautiful baby in her arms.

“Grandma, can I hold her?” Jimmy asked.

“Sure, kiddo, but you have to be sitting down. That way I can set her in your arms safely. Little ones are pretty fragile.”

“Okay!” He ran into the house as she laughed at his enthusiasm.

“Come on in, Jim. I’ll get you a cup of coffee.”

“No thanks, Jane. I’ve got some chores to do around the house. I’ll come back and get him when he’s ready.”

She frowned, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t be around Carrie and certainly didn’t want to get attached to the child. Well, not until I had that damned DNA test back.

As if karma was trying to screw me, I got a call as we were standing on the porch. “I’ll take the baby inside and give you some privacy,” she said.

“Jim Spellman,” I answered.

“Mr. Spellman, this is Amy from the lab at St. Alex. We have the results of your DNA test.”

I took a deep breath, not sure if I wanted to know or not.

“Okay, what’s the verdict?”

“It’s a positive match. We can confirm your parentage to an accuracy rate of…”

I cut her off and hit end. I dropped into the swing they had in front of their large picture window, overlooking the yard. I couldn’t believe that bitch was pregnant with my child when she left me. I wanted to scream, I wanted to hit something, I wanted to run, but I knew I could do none of those things. I needed air. I was already outside, and the air couldn’t be any fresher. It was as if someone was sitting on my chest.

The next thing I knew was I was crying. Not sobbing, but tears were wetting my cheeks. I had no idea what I was going to do, and I wasn’t sure that there was anything I could do. I felt, helpless.

I don’t know how much time passed, but I felt a touch on my shoulder.

Dan asked, “Jim, are you alright, son?”

I continued staring into space and said, “I’ll never be alright. How could she do this to me? I loved her with everything I had.”

He sat next to me silently. He didn’t know what to say. Who would’ve known what to say at that moment?

“Was that the lab on the phone? Jane said you got a call.”

“Yeah. It was the lab.”

I left the answer I knew he was looking for hanging. I couldn’t find the words to admit that I was a father again. A father to a little girl, whose mother left me for a richer man. A father, whose wife left him for a better man who beat her and tried to hurt my son. A father, whose children couldn’t live with him.

“Jim?”

“I…” I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t tell him the result.

“Jim,” he said again, putting his hand on my arm. “It’s obvious to everyone but you she’s yours. Did you really need them to confirm that for you?”

I stood and shouted, “Yes! Yes, they had to confirm it. How could I trust that fucking slut of a daughter you raised?”

As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted saying it. I had just destroyed that good man for no reason other than my anger with her. He didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry, Dan. Please…”

“No. I know I failed somewhere along the way with her. It broke my heart when you two split. I know you know I never had a son, and when I handed her off to you that day in Church, I was so happy to have you in the family. I love you as if you popped out of Jane.”

“Dan, I’m sorry. I know, and I feel the same way with you and Jane. I’m just so angry with her right now. She was pregnant with MY child when she left me to trade-up to a piece of shit shyster that beat her and my son. I don’t know what to do.”

He stood and hugged me.

“Son,” he said stepping back. “The first thing you need to do is call your parents and invite them over here for lunch. They need to meet their new grandbaby.”

“I will, but I can’t stay. I can’t see her now. I can’t face her after what she’s done to me and that little girl that deserves a father.”

Out of nowhere, he slapped my face. Not hard, but it stung.

“That little girl has a father and that’s you, God damn it. Don’t you ever say something like that in my presence again.”

I nodded in shock. “Of course. I’m just in a state of shock right now. It’s been an emotional week.”

“Son, in crazy situations like what we have here, emotions are going to be out of control. I understand that you need some time and space to get your head right. Go ahead and call your parents and have them come over. You can go and do what have to do, but know this–at some point, you’ll have to come to Jesus and meet your baby girl.”

I hit my mom’s number on the phone and waited.

“Hey, Jim. How…”

“Mom, can you and Dad come to Dan and Jane’s for lunch today? Carrie had the baby and she’s your granddaughter.”

“What!”

“Yeah. She’s my little girl.”

I started crying again. Reality kept punching me in the eye and I couldn’t dodge the hits.

“Jesus, Jim. I’ll get your father and we’ll be right over there.”

“Thanks, Mom. They’re expecting you.”

I ended the call and looked at Dan. “Do you think I could hold her?”

He smiled and said, “Of course. Come on in.”

“No, I can’t see Carrie. Can I just sit with her out here? Me and Jimmy and Alison?”

“Sure. I’ll go and get ’em.”

I sat down on the swing and waited. I started to shake with nerves. I changed my mind and was about to leave when Jane came out and handed Alison to me. My Alison. She was asleep and didn’t stir when placed into my arms.

I cradled her and gently rocked the swing. Jimmy was a few seconds behind and jumped on the swing as only a 10-year-old boy could do.

“Ain’t she pretty, Dad? She could be Batgirl for Halloween.”

We all laughed, and I said, “You bet. You can be Batman and she can be Batgirl or Poison Ivy.” Both were redheaded comic characters.

As if on cue, she woke up and started crying.

“Looks like someone’s hungry,” Jane said.

“I’ll take her,” Carrie said from the doorway. I didn’t even realize she was there.

“I’m sorry, Jim. She’s breastfeeding and I haven’t pumped any bottles, otherwise…”

“No, it’s fine.” I kissed my daughter’s forehead and handed her off to her mother.

I was about to say goodbye, when my parents pulled into the driveway. My mom was practically running up to the house, and it was clear she’d been crying.

“She’s getting fed,” Jane said, giving her a hug. “Come on in and meet her.”

My dad laughed as he walked up. “She’s been half bitching and half crying since she hung up the phone with you. I didn’t put my shoes on fast enough. I wasn’t driving fast enough. She cursed the whole way about every stop light we hit. She’s a puddle right now.”

Dan shook his hand and said, “Al, we have a damn mess on our hands.”

My dad gave him a ‘no shit, Sherlock’ look, turned to me, and said, “Well, I’m sure it’ll all work out. Right, Jim?”

“I have no idea, Dad.”

***

When I got home, I busied myself with yardwork, but I couldn’t get my mind off of my daughter and what I was going to do. I knew I’d need to call my lawyer and let him know that I’d need visitation worked out for both children and not just Jimmy. I knew I’d have to pay more child support, but I didn’t care about that issue. I’d always support my kids.

I walked into the house after cutting the grass and looked at my kitchen. It felt like I just took all of the child proofing off of the cabinets, and now I’d have to put it all back on. I was glad I saved all of those little things in a box in the attic. I realized I’d have to pull down the crib and other baby furniture we saved and Carrie left behind. I guess her better man could afford new stuff for the kid, why use the old hand-me-down stuff we had?

I hated that Jimmy would have to share a room with the baby when they visited and my room wasn’t big enough for the crib to be added, so it would have to go in the family room. Maybe I’d have to buy a larger house after all, I thought.

I did some cleaning around the house. I’d forgotten what a mess a boy can make after not having Jimmy around for so long. Cleaning had never made me so happy before.

***

I had just sat down in my favorite chair on the patio with a cold beer, when my gate opened.

“You out here, Jim?” My dad called out.

He and Dan walked around the side of my house and sat down across from me.

“Can I get you guys a beer?”

I didn’t wait for an answer, I knew that if they were at my house alone, it was serious, and they’d need a drink. I went in and brought out the cooler bag with the 11 beers I had left from my 12 pack.

“Alright, guys. Let me have it,” I said.

Dad laughed and said, “You think we came here for a hard talk or something?”

“Something like that,” I snorted.

“It’s not that bad, Jim,” Dan said. “We know your mind is in a daze, a shock, and probably a hundred other things we can’t describe. We know you went from blissfully ignorant, to dumped, to having no contact with your boy, to now being a new father. Son, that would crumble a weaker man.”

“Jim,” my dad said with a grim façade. “You’re gonna be a daddy to that little girl, we know that.”

I nodded, waiting to see where he was going, and I didn’t like the look nor sound of what was happening so far.

“Have you put any thought into your relationship with Carrie?”

I laughed. Not a chuckle. Not a hardy har. A full-blown belly laugh.

“There is no relationship with Carrie, Dad. She tossed me away, thinking she found a better option. What are you expecting? You think I’m going to run over to Dan and Jane’s, pick her up, and bring her home, like she was away on a trip? Are you fucking nuts?”

“No, Jim…”

“There is no chance in hell. Do you understand? Nada, zip, zero, zilch. I’m not what she wants and her having another child by me isn’t going to change that.”

“She thought it was his baby. That’s why she went to him,” Dan said, defending his slut of a daughter.

“Are you listening to yourself?” I don’t know if I was foaming at the mouth, but I’m sure spit was flying all over as I yelled at them.

“She thought it was his baby. How could she have the possibility of having another man’s child if she wasn’t fucking him before she left me? She was cheating on me and for who knows how long? She betrayed me. She broke my heart into fucking pieces and threw them into the street for the garbage man. Alison being my child does not change that.”

“Jim, we get it.”

“You get shit! She wanted to trade up. She wanted a flashy Lexus and landscaped yard. Trips to Europe and Mexican beaches. She fucked up and picked the wrong guy. If she thinks she can fall back on me as plan b, she can forget it.”

I spun around and walked into the house. I locked the sliding door and closed the blinds, hoping they would take the hint and leave me alone. I hated yelling at those two, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

***

I didn’t hear from them to pick up Jimmy, and it was getting close to dinner time. I didn’t know if I should call, or just head over and get him. I did not want to go and have to sit waiting for him to get ready leave. I wasn’t ready to face them, nor face Carrie.

That issue was answered when I got a text from Jane.

“We’re taking Jimmy to Red Robin for dinner. You can join us and take him home from there.”

I didn’t even consider that Carrie and the baby would go with them. Who would take a three-day-old child out to eat? So, I decided to join them. What’s the worst that could happen? I figured Jimmy would be a good buffer and keep us from getting too deep into Carrie’s future. I didn’t expect the little Judas named after me would be on attack.

When I walked into the restaurant, I saw them sitting and digging into an onion ring tower. The sight made me smile, but sad at the same time. Jimmy always insisted we get onion rings when we used to go as a family.

“Hi, guys,” I said, smiling as I sat.

Everyone was in a good mood and the conversation started out light. That all changed after dinner.

“Dad,” Jimmy started. “I think we need a bigger house.”

I laughed and said, “I was thinking that. I don’t see you and your sister sharing a bedroom when you’re visiting.”

“NO!”

“Jimmy, calm down,” Jane chastised.

“We need a bigger house so mom and Alison can move in, and we can all be together again. I don’t want to go back to Greg’s house.”

“Son, you’re not ever going back there except to get your stuff,” I said. “He’s going to jail.”

He smiled brightly and said, “Thank God. I missed my old room and our house.”

Dan frowned and said, “Jimmy, didn’t your mom tell you? You, your mom, and Alison will be staying with us for a while. Your mom will find a new house where you can live very soon.”

“If that’s what’s happening, I want to stay with dad. Why can’t I do that?”

“Jimmy, it’s complicated,” I said. “The judge gave custody of you to your mom. I’m very lucky that your mom let you spend these last few days with me and the next week.”

“It’s not fair, Dad. Why do I have to suffer?”

I looked at Dan and Jane for help and saw by their looks, I was on my own. Parenthood vs. grandparenthood, I suppose.

“Jimmy, you’re too young to understand this, but it isn’t fair to me either. One day, I had a wonderful family and the next day, I lost you, your mom, and my whole life. Jimmy, I lost everything that I loved in one sentence from your mom. When she told me that ass… I mean, Greg, got her pregnant and she was leaving me, she broke me.”

“Too bad.”

“Jimmy!” both Dan and Jane shrieked in unison. Now they step in, I thought.

“She knew she made a mistake. That’s why they fought. He was a jerk who lied to her all the time. Whenever he slapped her, she’d sleep with me and tell me that she missed you too. She made a mistake, Dad. Like the song says, she’s only human. She gets to have a second chance.”

I shook my head. The revelation that she missed me, while living with the asshole, was a new development, but I couldn’t let Jimmy think we had a chance at his fantasy.

“Jimmy, the song isn’t about giving a second chance to someone. It’s about not giving up and trying again when you fail.” As soon as the words left my lips, I knew what he was going to say. He didn’t disappoint.

“See! You’re giving up. You’re not trying again.”

I took his hand and said, “Son, if I could go back in time and change what I did to make her leave me, I would do it in a second. I loved your mom more than anything in the world. When you came along, my life was complete. I had everything I’d ever need. I had the world on a string and your mom cut that string. I’m not saying that, so you get mad at her. She loves you as much as she ever has and never stopped. I’m telling you that so you can understand how I feel and why I can’t just take her back.”

Dan spoke up, “Well, I think we should call it a night. It’s been a long day.”

I looked up and nodded. “Good idea. Let’s head home, Jimmy.”

Jimmy was not mollified. We had a similar conversation once a day while he was with me. He eventually tried a different tact and got more civil and dispassionate. It still didn’t work.

***

Ten days after Alison was born, Carrie showed up on my doorstep.

“HI, Jim. May I come in?”

I waved her in and called out, “Jimmy, your mom’s here.”

It sounded like a herd of elephants running through my small house as he barreled into the room.

“Hi, mom!” he shouted almost knocking her over with his hug. “Where’s Alison?”

“She’s visiting with grandma and grandpa Spellman.”

“Aw! Okay.” He darted off into his bedroom.

I turned and asked, “Are you here to take him home? I’ll go get him ready.”

“No, Jim. I came to talk with you, if that’s okay?”

I don’t think I hid the frown well enough when I motioned for her to sit.

“Can I get you a drink or something?” I asked, uncomfortable that she was sitting in the same room with me.

“No, thank you. Jim, because of circumstances, I never got to talk to you before the divorce.”

“Circumstances? You mean the bullshit restraining order you got put on me that almost cost me my job.”

She frowned and looked away. “That was Greg’s idea. He wanted revenge for your attack, and…”

“Attack? Jesus, you’ve got some serious issues with remembering reality. That was no attack, that was retaliation. He took my wife, I had to act.”

“You didn’t have to kick him at the barbecue.”

“Probably not, but he didn’t have to say that I was a cuck-pussy in front of Jimmy when I was trying to leave and comply with your court order either. You knew I’d be at that party. You should never have gone.”

She looked away again and said, “You know, he had issues getting an erection after that kick. I guess you broke a blood vessel or something. He’d never tell me what the issue was.”