The Girl on the Bridge

“I’m sorry we had to start like this, baby.” She kisses my forehead and finally looks down at me. She runs her thumb against my bottom lip. “You look so beautiful.” She takes my bottom lip into her mouth and moans as my tongue comes out to meet hers.

My legs shake at the thought of cumming just from her kiss alone.

She pulls back and brushes a strand of hair away from my face.

“Are you okay?” Her dark eyes are sincere. There is even a hint of worry in them.

She runs her thumb against my lips again and I lightly kiss it.

~~~~

{Camryn}

She’s tempting me.

I watch as she bends over the railing to look down at the fishes.

I thought a nice afternoon stroll would do the both of us some good but Emma has other plans. We’re at a small pond, wrapping up our day with a little sun to warm us up after running errands all day. I watch as her skirt rises up a bit as she leans further into the railing. A guy walking by stops in his tracks to see how far up her skirt will go.

I walk straight up to her and place myself behind her, effectively blocking his view.

“You’re asking for it.” I murmur against her ear.

She shivers in response but tries to pull away. “Don’t. Not here.”

I chuckle and move back so that we stand side by side.

“You tease.” I put my shades on.

She knows exactly how far to push before I start pushing back. Then she pretends to be an innocent bystander while I’m made out to be the angry wolf. I don’t care. I’ve learned that Emma will never make the first move. Even if she is horny out of her mind, she will go to the ends of the earth teasing me until I cave and fuck her. Part of me wishes she would just outright ask and not wait until I’m knuckles deep in her to beg, but I can’t deny the chase is half the fun.

She will only ever initiate something if it means she gets to please me. She loves doing that the most. Making me happy, seeing the effect that she has on me. I see her pride swell when my body shudders under her tongue. My little vixen.

“Come,” I hold my hand out and pull her towards the park’s exit. “We need to eat then go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

She pulls her hand away and stops walking. “I’m not hungry.”

It only takes a few seconds of me staring at her for her cheeks to flush.

“It’ll be a light dinner tonight. A salad if that is what you want.” I go to grab her hand again but she moves away, almost bumping into a lady walking her dog.

I apologize to the lady and give Emma a look.

“I’m not hungry.” Her mouth is set, in an adorably fucking pout and her green eyes flare.

“That’s enough.” My tone is cautious.

Her defensive stand and heavy breaths are a sign of hurricane Emma coming straight towards me. Half of me gets a thrill of the thought of what is to come. Or should I say, who is to cum. But another part of me is upset. When Emma explodes, she’s like a nuclear bomb. Hard to look away from, damaging to those who aren’t expecting it, and with lasting affects. I know it’s because she never got to throw full-on tantrums growing up, she told me so herself. It is a little sad when I think about it, but I don’t dwell on it much. This is part of the healing. I wish we were at that stage where she didn’t have to lash out or test my boundaries, but I’m not walking away. Each time she lashes out, it’s not as bad as before. And then a weight is lifted off her shoulders, and old wounds turn to scars.

She folds her arms. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Music to my ears.

***

“Hold it.” I warn her.

I rub my fingers along her wet pussy, her glistening lips, and swollen clit.

She cries out and tries to fight the orgasm. I have been pushing her to the edge all night after her little spectacle at the park. She has been crying on and off, cursing me in between. This is the third tantrum I’ve had to deal with in less than a month. Although I get instantly turned on when she turns into a brat, because of the infinite possibilities of getting her back, I have to admit she is much more docile and giddy after each session. She is more playful the next day, open to try new things, and even eats more without any encouragement. I was concerned at first, that I was pushing her too hard too soon but she has been the perfect little submissive I could have ever asked for. Except for all of the cursing. Sweet little Emma has a sailor’s mouth.

After she doesn’t get to cum and I have enough of her sweet little pleas I hug her into my chest and make her look at me.

“Something has been bothering you again.” There is no room for argument in my voice.

She is silent.

“You have to learn to talk about it, baby. I know we both enjoy this but it has to be in moderation. I can’t punish you every time you refuse to talk about something. You have to give me something.” I’m at a loss as to what to do if she doesn’t open up on her own.

“Evelyn thinks you tried to hit on her.” She shakes her head. “I know, it’s stupid. But I know she’s your type and-”

Fucking Evelyn.

She came into my gallery last week and pretended it was a last-minute thing but her clothing and makeup said otherwise. I got Katy to show her around and excused myself as quickly as possible. I debated on telling Emma but I didn’t want to give her anything to worry about. She has been doing so much better that I didn’t want Evelyn to ruin it. Mentally there is a shift in Emma that I can see is improving. Telling her that her roommate is someone she should stay away from will not help her progress. But I know I eventually will have to expose her friend for who she really was.

I sit up and get out of bed. I take a deep breath before facing her again. “What exactly is my type?” I hate how defensive I’m being but I truly want to know what ideas she has going around in her head.

“Oh, I don’t know,” She says in a sassy tone. “Beautiful girls that you would like to paint.”

My stomach drops. “I’m not even going to go there because it would be a waste of time.” I turn away but she pulls my arm back and points a finger at me.

“You want to fuck her don’t you? Fuck her and then paint her? It’s what you do anyways.” I see the hurt in her eyes and it’s hard to be angry at her.

I sigh and pull her back into my chest where she lays her head and relaxes her breathing.

“I have slept with some of my models, yes. But I will never do anything to hurt you” I rub her back. Most of those rumors about me are true. I wish I could guard her from them because who knows how I would react if the roles were reversed. “Besides, that was who I used to be. I’m a different person. I would never betray your trust for Evelyn or anyone else. Emma, I love you.” I force her to look at me. “You are my only type. Please believe me.”

She breathes easier and I see the trust being rebuilt in her eyes.

~~~~

{Emma}

She gives me some time alone to get dressed and gather myself.

Being alone gives me time to question everything about what just happened and even about myself. Is this what I am into? Being humiliated and denied orgasms just because? I want to judge myself harshly but being in her arms feels right. Being around her makes me feel different. Like some other person I have never met.

I see myself in the mirror. My cheeks are flushed, hair is all over the place, and eyes are a little puffy from crying. She said I looked beautiful. What does this say about her? She likes inflicting pain. Not just physical but almost psychological. Why do I want that? How can I want that? Wanting to reach climax is a natural part of human nature. Having someone deny that feels very wrong. And yet I would do it. As many times as she wants to because seeing the look of satisfaction on her face is worth it. Even if it felt awful in the moment, I feel better now. More than better. More than anything I have felt since being in out of the hospital.

A painting above her bed pulls my attention. I turn around and a fuzzy memory floods back in my mind. It looks like splashes of watercolor…I remember cumming all over her fingers, having her encourage me to squirt all over her painting.

My cheeks heat up and I rush out of the room, embarrassed to think I let her do that to me. I don’t do that. I’ve never been able to…do that! I control my breathing and pretend that it never happened. Because it never did. Not to me.

She’s sitting on a barstool when I come out. She’s looking down at her phone, brows furrowed. I close the door loud enough for her to hear.

She looks up and gives me a breathtaking look. Her face is flushed, I know she enjoyed what we did almost as much as I did.

She holds her arms out and I walk into them, letting her kiss my head.

“I hope I wasn’t too rough with you.”

I shake my head.

“It isn’t always like this. You usually get what you want most of the time.” She has a knowing smile on her lips.

I pull away and stand back against the wall.

Her apartment is bare. There is furniture and some books scattered around but nothing fancy. It is clean and says nothing about her.

“Is this your place?” I look back at her.

“For now.” She puts her phone away.

“What does that mean?”

“I’m only here for about a month and a half.” Her dark eyes gauge my reaction.

“Where are you going?” I move my hands behind my back and ball my hands into fists. My nails dig into my palms. My heart is going haywire.

“Across the country.” She crosses her arms.

“Oh.” I feel like crying again. She’s leaving me.

“Yeah.” She seems unsatisfied with my answer but doesn’t say anything else.

“I think I should go.” I can feel the nails biting deeper into my palm.

“I can walk you home.” She stands but I step away from her.

“No, thank you. I know my way back.” I walk to her door and ignore her presence behind me.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” She opens the door for me.

I shake my head. “I am going back to my parent’s place tomorrow.”

“I thought you wanted to know what happened the night before your accident?” She’s getting upset.

“Frankly, it doesn’t matter if you’re leaving.” My tone is cold. She’s leaving me. And I will go back to what I know. A world that doesn’t involve her. Has the prospect always seemed so pointless?

She takes in a deep breath. “So, that’s it?” Her eyes pierce through my soul.

I nod. “It seems so.”

“You love ruining me, don’t you?” Her voice is low.

“You’re the one leaving.” I hate to point out.

“You don’t even know who or what I am to you!” She booms.

I don’t shy away from her anger, I feed off of it. “I know you’re a good lay.” Inside I am shocked by what I am saying. I don’t talk like this. I don’t act like this. Letting my emotions get the better of me is not something I allow. Let alone acting like this in front of strangers.

She grips the door handle with force. “You’re not the first to tell me so. In fact, you might want to get in line.”

I push against her chest before running out of her apartment.

“I’ll be here when you want to be thoroughly fucked, Emma.” She screams out of her apartment.

“In your fucking dreams!” I yell back and push the door to the stair open.

~~~~

{Camryn}

I take everything out and set it up to my liking.

Emma sits around and looks at the beautiful waves crashing into the sand in front of her. She likes coming to the beach and I like please her. But now she is going to appease me.

“Come here.” My eyes are on the sunlight and the best position. The blank canvas is coming to life in my mind.

She stands next to me and crosses her arms.

“Stand there.” I point to the best spot I can muster. This will be a quick painting so it doesn’t have to be perfect but I need to make sure I still have some light by the end of it. “Take your clothes off.”

Her eyes widen and she doesn’t move. “People will see me.” Her cheeks burn.

I love the shyness in her eyes. If only I had enough time to capture it in my painting. “Now.” I raise an eyebrow. “This is my friend’s private beach. No one will be here to bother us today.”

We stare at each other for a few moments. My eyes are demanding and hers are imploring. She eventually gives in and I watch in lust as she stands in all of her naked glory by the water. I give her some direction on how I want her to stand. I paint with fast strokes. Catching as much of her essence in this painting as I can. She is a natural model. She is usually still and more than happy to watch me in action. Her hips and breasts are much fuller than when we first met. She is full of life and love and I almost get choked up thinking about all of the progress we have accomplished.

“I love you.” She quietly proclaims as I finish up the painting.

I manage to set my paint and brush down before pulling her into me and loving her with all of my might.

~~~~

{Emma}

I cry myself to sleep that night.

I cry for the girl I used to be, the one who had a perfect life, with a friend and a job and a lover. Who knew what she wanted and went for it. Who lived a better life. I cry for Camryn. Being around her consumes me with emotions. She brings out the ugly in me. But it is not all that ugly. It is still a part of me. Some of it is necessary. Being under her. Giving both of us what we want is almost as natural as existing for me. Did we always yell so much? I imagine the make-up sex is out of this world. But is the carnal attraction the only thing that ties us together?

The next morning, I drink a cup of black coffee and brush my teeth.

I check my phone and see a text from Heather. She wants to meet up soon.

I imagine Camryn’s thoughts on the idea of Heather and I and cringe. She would not like that I just know it. And yet she has a line of girls telling her she is amazing in bed, she said so herself. My heart feels heavy.

With one last look at my apartment, I walk out and head to the elevators. I cross my fingers when I get to the lobby and hope there is no tortured artist loitering outside. I come out through the revolving doors and sigh in relief when I see the clear sidewalk. The hint of disappointment is pushed away and out of my thoughts.

~~~~

{Camryn}

Katy is going over the new painting I put up with adoration.

“This is lovely, who was the model again?” She turns her head.

I purposefully made sure to get the side profile of Emma’s head with her hair covering most of her features in the painting because I knew she wouldn’t like the whole world to see her in her most natural form. She is aware of the final product and gave me permission to post it up in my new little section with the promise that no one will ever know it was her.

“Some Russian chick passing by.” I shrug. It kills me not to yell at the top of my lungs that this was the love of my life but I will deal with it.

“Emma!” Katy turns to look behind me and smiles brightly.

I am excited to show Emma the painting but my heart drops when I notice an older couple walking closely behind her. She looks like a mixture of both of them, although her figure favors her mother’s. I try to warn her with my eyes to hold them there, that I can rush to them, but she is eager to have them meet me and approaches even faster.

It wasn’t like I never expected to meet them but I definitely thought it would be in a more appropriate setting. Not one where a portrait of their naked daughter is proudly hanging in my gallery.

Emma’s smile drops as soon as she notices the fresh new painting out on display. By then it is too late and I am introducing myself to her parents. Katy introduces herself as well and then manages to point out the one thing Emma and I try to avoid.

“This is actually a brand-new painting she just posted. It goes very well with the summer theme we’re going for.” Katy points out the colors, the themes, everything in such detail that my ears are ringing by the end.

I see the recognition eventually settle in Emma’s parent’s eyes and their embarrassment burns within me. Emma is beat red and I am sweating bullets.

“We just wanted to stop by since we were in the city, we won’t keep you any longer.” Emma leans in to kiss my cheek and squeezes my hand in solidarity.

I shake her parents’ hand one more time and ignore the extra stern shake from her father.

I’m royally screwed.

~~~~

{Emma}

I make it back to my parent’s place by lunch time.

I join them in the dining room. We eat in silence, like usual. I push around my vegetables.

After the maid clears out dishes I look over at my mom.

“Who is Camryn?” I see the recognition on her face.

The anger on my father’s face is palpable. “She’s the reason you were in the hospital.” His lip curls.

“How? Why?” Should I have gotten my information from the source? Spending another second with Camryn seems improbable. We clash and fight without holding back. I can’t do that every time I see her.

“Sweetheart,” My mother gives my father a look then turns back to me. “She is just not a good person. She’s controlling and overbearing and she doesn’t deserve your time of day.”

“I went to her gallery. She seems successful enough.” My parents value money, success, and an honest way to make a living. Camryn ticks all of those boxes.

“I thought you didn’t remember her.” My father’s lips are in a straight line.

I shrug. “I didn’t. But I went there one night to see what the big fuss was about. She’s really talented.”

“You are not to see her and that is the end of this discussion.” He gets up from his seat and leaves without another word.

My mother looks at me with concern. “Please listen to your father. You turned into a completely different person when you were with her.”

“How long were we together?” There is no emotion in my voice.

“Only a couple of months. You didn’t really talk to us about her. Just said you met someone new. We went to her gallery once, she seemed nice. But then…” She shakes her head. She doesn’t want to think about the accident.

I don’t either.

~~~~

{Camryn}

“They hate me.” I groan into her stomach.

Emma giggle makes my heart sing a little. “It will be a funny story in a couple of years.”

I smile against her shirt and pull back to look at her.

Talking about the future has become a more central focus of our conversations. After telling Emma about my plans to bring her along with me, we have been going over logistics. I showed her our new apartment, the restaurants nearby and entertaining things to do. She has also gotten to see where my new gallery will be and I have been over the moon thinking about sharing all of my space with her. She has even started looking into new jobs she can apply for.

“Do they know you plan on being across the country this time next year?” I settle on my back, still resting against her.

“Not yet.” She plays with my hair. “I need to find the right time.”

Being an only child makes it even harder having to move away. I get it. I won’t do anything to make her feel pressured to talk to them. I know very little about their relationship but I know there is some strain. This won’t make it any better. She assures me it will all work out though.

I put all my trust in her.

~~~~

{Emma}

I reach out to Heather and meet her at the country club a few days later.

She is very good at tennis. Too good to pretend that I make her break a sweat.

Her long legs and athletic arms are a sight to see. She is naturally tanned from being out in the sun for so long, there are even gold highlights in her hair. Her hazel eyes laugh with mirth when I make a big show out of catching my breath.

“Maybe we should have went on a nice walk or just grabbed some coffee.” I put my hands over my head.

She lightly pushes me as we walk off the court. “You did good. Considering you haven’t been here in a while.”

I trust her words but don’t miss the glint in her eyes.

“We could grab a bite to eat now?” She puts her racket in a bag and takes a sip out of her hydro flask.

It’s hard not to think about Camryn right at that moment. Wondering what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. Her face if she saw me grabbing lunch with a friend. Maybe I’m overreacting. She is just a friend. But does Heather know that?

“Sure.” I place a hand on her arm before she turns away. “But I should be completely honest and let you know that I’m sort of seeing someone.” Or I was at least. Not so sure about now.

She looks disappointed but shrugs. “I would be surprised if you weren’t.”

I give her a look. “Do I get around or something?”

She giggles. “Oh no, sorry, that is not what I meant. You are just so pretty and such a great catch. Plus, when you stopped coming around a couple of months ago, I assumed it was because you met someone.”

It is my turn to look embarrassed. “Please ignore me.” I chuckle to hide how uncomfortable I am. “Let me buy you lunch.”

She nods and we walk up to the dining room of the club.

~~~~

{Camryn}

I sit back and stare at Katy across my desk.

“Am I moving too fast?” It is hard not to second guess everything.

Things with Emma have been going well. Maybe too well. But I want her. I need her in my life. I want to make her mine. I think she wants me too. And yet, I know there is still a lot more work that needs to be done between us.

“I’ve never seen you like this over any girl before.” She smiles brightly.

“Because I have never felt this way.” The little royal blue box sits between us.

“When are you going to pop the question?” She thinks the ring is perfect.

In her eyes, we are the perfect couple. Emma meets my needs and I try to make her life better. But we’re really two broken people trying to grow together. Is that possible or am I being childish and naive? She’s still going to her therapist, so I know she’s still dealing with her own demons. Am I doing the right thing by taking her away from what she is familiar with? What if I can’t be everything she needs?

“I have to talk to her parents first.”

That is another battle in and of itself. I have seen them one other time after the gallery incident. Dinner in their house was just another reminder of how different Emma and I were raised.

My parents were both hardworking individuals who gave me everything I needed growing up. What they couldn’t give me in monetary value, they made up with love. Then they died in an airplane crash while I was in my last year of college and I have been trying to make them proud since. They recognized my talent a lot sooner than I did and I owe them everything.

Emma seemed to be uncomfortable the whole time. Although her face gave nothing away, her body screamed how ready she was to leave. She sat up straight the whole time, never relaxing her posture. Her parents were friendly but lukewarm towards me. They obviously love their daughter and yet I could see that they had little clue as to what she has been through. They know where she works, who her friends are, and who her therapist is but they had no idea about the scars just below the surface. I thought meeting them would answer a lot of my questions and instead I was left with more.

I imagined her parents as loveless people who had impossible expectations for her daughter but I was proven wrong. In part I can see that they regard her very highly and she wants to live up to their ideal version of her, but there is something else. I can’t put my finger on it.

So, that leaves me wondering what pushed her to go on the bridge that day.

~~~~

{Emma}

I promise to see Heather at the end of the week.

Although I think she is sweet and charming, I can’t forget about a certain dark eyed beauty that never strays too far from my thoughts. As long as Heather is fine with being friends, I don’t see a problem with us spending more time together. I need someone else to talk to besides my parents.

She just graduated college, so that is a big step for her. Right now, she’s taking a year off before going back to get her masters. Her father owns a nonprofit that she wants to work in. I asked her why she would even bother with school when her dad offered her a spot and she said she wanted to make sure she was qualified for the position. It feels a little cheap considering her dad could place her anywhere in the company but she says she will work her way up. I find that more appealing. She has a good sense of character.

Before the week is over, I go to my old job to collect some of my belongings.

I debated on asking for my job back but at this rate it would be like hiring a brand-new employee. I would have to be retrained on everything that I used to know and everyone would probably look at me with sympathy or resentment. A fresh start somewhere else is for the best.

As I’m walking away from my old desk, some people come up to me and let me know how sorry they are that I’m leaving. They all seem to know the reason why and I am glad I don’t have to explain myself.

As I make it to the bottom floor, with a box in my hand, I run into Evelyn.

Her bright brown eyes open wide when she sees me. Instead of looking excited, she watches as I approach her with caution.

“Hi, Evelyn.” I try to smile. Maybe she thinks I’m a ghost.

“Hi, Emma.” She crosses her arms, trying to make herself smaller. “How are you?”

“I’m better.” I motion to the box in my hand. “Just came to pick up my stuff.”

“You’re really leaving?” There is a hint of relief in her voice. Or maybe something else.

“Yeah, I figured it would be best.” Isn’t it for the best?

She looks uncomfortable. “I’m really sorry, Emma.”

I shake my head. “Don’t worry about it. I get squeamish about being in hospitals too.” I wish she would have visited but that’s in the past now.

She looks confused. “Is it true your memory is really gone?”

“Just bits and pieces. Speaking of, I didn’t remember you moving out of our apartment.” Will she volunteer the information or will I be left to assume we had a falling out?

Her face turns bright red and she avoids eye contact. “Yeah, I thought it was time to spread my wings and start working on getting my own place.”

I guess I will have to assume.

“Well, I’ll see you around.” I try to move past her but she stops me.

“Do you remember Camryn?” The curiosity is obvious.

How do I answer this? No, but maybe. I have seen her around. I have been in her bed and bent over far enough for her to exercise her will over me?

I shake my head and give her an innocent look. If she’s not talking, then neither am I.

“Oh,” her blush is back. “That’s unfortunate.” There is worry or distress in her eyes. Does she have an aversion to Camryn? “Do you want to grab a coffee?” She motions for the cafe in the lobby with her chin.

I look down at my phone, it’s not like I have a busy schedule. No job and no girlfriend and all.

She picks a table near one of the big glass windows. Her black coffee sits on the table untouched. I try hard not to stare but she’s a lot more beautiful than I remember. Her lips are full, her skin is glowing. Her eyebrows are perfectly plucked. Her dark eyes give nothing away.

“You look tired, have you been getting any sleep?” Her head turns to the side.

Her body language is all right. There is even a small crease on her forehead to feign concern. But again…nothing in those dark eyes. Almost lifeless.

I shake my head to stop my train of thoughts. That is not fair to her.

“I have some trouble adjusting back to my old life.” My eyes stray to her shiny long hair. How were we ever friends? She’s totally out of my league. Don’t pretty people hang around other pretty people?

“So, how does the memory thing work? Did you remember me?” She leans in, her eyes falling to my lips.

It makes me self-conscious. I sit up a little straighter. My jeans and pink t-shirt look childish compared to her expensive dark suit.

“I remembered having a roommate who I met in college. Names are sometimes hard to remember.” I take a sip of my hot chocolate.

“And you don’t remember Camryn?” There is a hint of doubt in her voice. Not malicious. Just like it’s hard for her to wrap her head around the fact that I wouldn’t remember my old…lover? That doesn’t sound right. Girlfriend? I guess.

I shake my head. “Who is she?” Maybe I can get something out of her if I play the helpless protagonist with amnesia. Who the fuck would ever watch this soap opera?

She shrugs her shoulders and leans back. There is a playful smile on her lips. “No one of importance.”

The black mist coming from her coffee begins to wane.

She looks down at her watch. “I have a nail appointment in 20. I guess I’ll see you around. Glad to see you’re getting back to your old self.” She stands and I do too.

“Wait,” I grab her wrist before she walks away. “Why did you really move out?”

Her eyes turn cold, causing me to drop her hand.

She quickly recovers and gives me a hug. “I’ll tell you all about it, once we have more time.”

I keep my hands at my side. Her smell catches me off guard. I expected an expensive perfume, some flowery lotion, but all I smell is…nothing. Laundry detergent from her clothing and a hint of sweat. My nose must be playing tricks on me.

She kisses my cheek and puts on her glasses before leaving.

~~~~

{Camryn}

I have managed to avoid spending any more time than necessary with Evelyn.

After she practically told Emma that I was trying to hit on her, Emma is more than okay with spending more and more time at my place. She is still friends with Evelyn, they go out together and still work together, so I don’t want to cause any friction between them. In my mind we are months away from moving in together anyways, far enough away from her that it will solve most of our problems. How stupid of me.

On one of the rare occasions that we are hanging out at their place, Evelyn decides to stay out in the living room to watch a movie with us. Emma sits on my lap and I try to stay as far away from Evelyn as the seating arrangements allow. Then Emma gets up to use the restroom.

Evelyn gets close to me and whispers, “Emma’s birthday is coming up soon, I want to throw her a surprise party.”

I lean back but try to sound excited. “I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

Personally, I would rather have Emma all to myself on her birthday, but a party would be nice. She would be surrounded by friends and we could all celebrate her.

“Can I get your number so that we can get the planning started?” Her smile is deceiving.

With some reluctance I take out my phone and hand it to her. “Please, just keep the texting to a minimum. I’m usually busy throughout the day.”

“Oh, no worries!” She giggles and sits back with the phone in hand.

“Um,” I take a deep breath. “I think we should also talk about the incident that upset Emma.”

Her face goes blank. She has no idea what I’m referring to.

“When you said that I was trying to hit on you?” I say, with force.

She shakes her head and her brows furrow. “I think that was all a misunderstanding! I talked about it with Emma and she knows the truth. We already cleared the air. Sorry if it caused problems between you two!”

Bullshit.

The bathroom door opened and Emma comes to sits on my lap as we continue to watch the movie.

As soon as it is all over, I will come clean and tell her everything. I don’t want any secrets between us and I won’t let this get in between us. If Evelyn pushes it too far, I will just show Emma the texts and finally get everything off my chest. Evelyn won’t manipulate this relationship anymore. Soon Emma will be out of this place, with me and nothing will stop that from happening.

Plus, once Emma gets her engagement ring, everything else will seem insignificant.

~~~~

{Emma}

After dropping off my office box back at my place, I walk down the block to get a quick lunch.

I settle for a club sandwich and sit at a park bench to enjoy the warm day.

My foot bounces in anticipation for my next stop. I’m going back to the gallery. I need to see her again. I admit to myself it’s not just for answers anymore. Yes, I want to know what happened and how I ended up in the hospital, but I also just want to see her. Be in her presence. Have her look at me as if she wants to eat me whole. That type of emotion is not something I have ever come across in the past. Not with any other person.

I stall as long as I can and throw the rest of my sandwich away. I hang on to the water bottle as I walk down the street.

The sidewalks are packed with people out on their lunch break. Most of them in suits and skirts and others in casual attire. Street vendors try to catch everyone’s attention by being loud and yelling what specials they have.

I stop just outside of the gallery and look around me. Is this the right decision? Maybe I should leave things as they are. She’s leaving anyways.

That pushes me through the front doors.

I pretend to walk around and admire the paintings but my eyes trail all around me, looking for any sign of her. I tug on my white t-shirt, which is tucked into my skirt. Maybe I should have worn the jeans I left on my bed. Somehow, I know this will please her. I make it around the whole gallery before coming to the crushing conclusion that she is not here. Probably out on lunch break like the rest of the city. Or maybe she’s working on some new pieces. Do artists stay in galleries during the day? I don’t have any clue.

I’m gnawing my bottom lip off when I step outside again.

The warm air hits my face and I look down the sidewalk, ready to hail a cab.

Camryn comes around the corner with a tall brunette hanging off her arm.

My heart drops and I want to run and hide.

Her dark eyes look away from the gorgeous girl next to her and she sees me. Her smile falters and I can’t decipher the look she gives me. It’s not overly happy. She looked happier talking to the brunette.

I stand rooted to my spot taking her in. She’s wearing blue jeans this time but still rocks her black shirt and dark shoes. Her black hair is up in a messy bun. Her dark eyes pop out against the black eyeliner. The girl next to her is wearing a short summer dress, her legs going on and on for days. They look like they fit well together.

I’m such an idiot.

I pushed Heather away to stay loyal to what? To us? I didn’t even give her a chance because I thought I had something…anything with Camryn. What a stupid idea. I should have known better. My parents warned me.

“Emma.” She comes up to me and nods in my direction.

“Hi, I was just leaving. Sorry I missed you.” The venom in my voice says otherwise. I ignore the brunette and look out for a taxi on the street.

Camryn comes to my side and wraps an arm around my waist. “This is Cassidy. She models for me sometimes.” She motions towards the girl who is staring at me in amusement.

Oh, I’m funny now? Let’s see who gets the last laugh.

“Nice to meet you, Cassidy.” I don’t bother smiling.

When I try to pull away to catch a cab, Camryn tightens her grip on me. She leans into my ear and whispers, “You’re not going anywhere.” Practically purrs, my breasts tighten at the promise laced in her words.

I glare at her as she bids Cassidy farewell and I stand there trying to control my jealousy. What is the matter with me? I was afraid of how Camryn would feel if she knew about Heather when in reality, I’m the one being unreasonable. I am being completely rude to some random girl because the thought of Camryn setting her sights on anyone else makes my stomach turn. I am every bit as evil as I make her out to be. Possibly worse.

I snap my eyes to her and place a hand on her chest. “Get off of me.”

She leans in and kisses me sweetly. “Just as jealous as I remember.” She mumbles against my lips.

My legs turn to jelly and I have to control my breathing. My heart stutters as she deepens the kiss.

When she pulls back, her cheeks are a sweet rose. “Now, what can I help you with?”

I stare at her lips. I want to kiss her again. I want her to take me to bed and remind me that I am hers and she is mine. She said I own her heart. She said that. I want that. Even if I don’t remember it, we can make new memories.

“I’m at your disposal, anything you want.” She whispers between us.

The butterflies in my stomach dance in anticipation. The heat between my legs becomes uncontrollable. The possibilities seem endless. I want to give her what she wants to take. But I need to get something straight.

“Are you seeing her?”

“No.” She begins to pull me into the gallery.

I try to yank my hand out of her grasp but she holds on tight. She waves at people and promises to talk to others in just a few moments before shuffling us into the back office.

“Are you seeing anyone?” My tone is light enough. What will I do if she is? And if she isn’t?

“Define seeing.” She motions towards a chair in front of the large desk. There are no papers on the floor like the last time I was here, everything seems in order. I’m not fooled. There is so much boiling between us just underneath the surface.

I purse my lips and pretend to give it some thought. “This week I grabbed lunch with a friend and then she took me back to her place. Does that mean we’re seeing each other?”

She barks a laugh and picks me up onto the desk. Her hand wraps around my hair and she pulls it back so that I am forced to look up at her. She towers over me, her eyes burning. My breasts rub against her chest as my breathing becomes labored. I strain to look up at her.

“Careful with your next words, little Emma. You don’t want to see the jealous side of me.” Her nose travels down my neck.

“Are you seeing anyone?” I groan out. She’s so infuriating. And she seems to know exactly what to say to get me horny.

“Just you.” She effectively shuts me up with her tongue in my mouth.

I open up myself to her torturous lips. Lips that can make me feel whole and empty all at once. That can make me cry in the drop of a hat and yet be the only ones that can soothe my aching heart. It is all so disorienting.

I pull back and look up at her.

“Do we ever just have a normal conversation?” Being on my toes anytime we’re together is starting to put a strain on my body. Yet, I know I can’t just walk away. She makes me feel too good.

She sits back against the chair behind her and leans back. “Sure, we can do normal, right now.” She uses two fingers to motion me to get closer.

I hop off the table and step towards the left side of her chair, facing her.

She gives me a wolfish grin and places a hand on the back of my left thigh.

“I want you to tell me about your day. What you did, what you ate, what you’re planning to do later.” Her hand sneaks up higher and brushes against my underwear.

“I mean, do we ever talk-”

“I told you what I want you to talk about.” Her hand tightens on my ass.

I gasp and ignore the tingly sensation in between my legs.

“I went to my old job today.” I lick my lips.

She rewards me with a nice rub against my ass. Her hand comes back down my leg. She brings it to the back of my knee and she pulls it up slowly. I watch as she places my leg across her body to the top of her chair. I place a hand on the back of her hair, trying to keep my balance. My breathing is hard.

She scoots up to the edge of the seat so that my crotch is right in front of her face.

“Keep talking.” Her voice is raspy.

I clear my throat. “I picked up my things, brought them in a box.”

She pushes her nose right to the center of my pussy and I jump at the contact. Her hands come from under me to hold me still. Each one grabbing my ass.

“So, you quit?” Her lips purr against my soaked panties.

“Yes,” My voice is small.

“Hmm.” She sticks her tongue out and pushes it against my underwear.

I throw my head back and push further into her. “Oh…” I breathe in through my mouth, taking in lungful gasps.

She nibbles against my clit. “Did I say you can stop talking.”

I shiver runs down my spine and I open my eyes. I didn’t even realize I closed them. “I saw Evelyn.”

She stops for a moment and I want to look down at her but my skirt is blocking any view I would have of her.

She finally runs her finger down the edge of my underwear. “We’ll talk about that later.” She casually throws it out there.

I want to ask about what she means by that but she chooses that moment to pull the panties aside and lick my warm pussy.

“Ahh-” I manage to cover my mouth with one hand. The move seems like a natural response. Something I’ve had to do in the past. I feel a memory trying to rear its head in but the more I try to recall it, the harder it is to grasp. She licks two more times and then stops.

“I made plans to come and see you.” I try to focus on my words.

This seems to excite her and she flutters her tongue against my clit.

“Oh,” I moan against my hand.

“I needed to see you.” I try to be honest.

She latches onto my clit and I bring a hand down to cup the back of her head. My hips start to thrust on their own. I ride her face, letting her wet tongue mingle with my juices.

“I don’t know why but you make me feel…” I leave the sentence hanging between us.

She stops all movement.

“Alive.” I admit, quietly. “Like, I’m here, in the moment.”

She covers my clit with her warm lips and has me cumming into her mouth a few moments later. I rub my pussy against her face, letting my juices coat her chin, her mouth, her nose. She groans in appreciation. The feeling soon becomes too much and I pull back. I barely have time to recover before she pulls me down to sit on her lap. Both of my legs are thrown to the side of the chair and I stare at her. Her lips are glistening and her eyelids are low.

“You have to tell me if it’s too much.” She says before kissing me deeply, giving me a taste of myself. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

I’m breathing hard again.

“Was it always like this?” I have wondered. How did she get me to commit to this? To allow her to do as she wanted with me? I don’t have a problem with it at all. I’m quickly becoming addicted to it. But I’m finding it hard to believe I gave in with no resistance.

She shakes her head and digs her nails into my head. There is a tender look on her face and I watch as her eyes turn misty. “You really don’t remember.” For once her voice sounds uncertain, small, vulnerable.

I tentatively seek out her other hand to hold it.

She lets a tear roll down her cheek and I do what feels natural. I kiss it away before it falls down her chin.

“Don’t cry.” My request sounds minor.

Her smile is sad. “We went through so much. It feels like we’re starting over.”

“It feels like I’m catching up pretty quick.” I try to reason. Will she want to leave me now because I’m not experienced? I’ve never done anything like this before. I didn’t even know people did things like this. But I will give it my all. She just has to give me a chance.

She shakes her head and kisses me lightly. “That’s not what I meant. You made a lot of progress. You started taking care of yourself more, eating better, even picking up some hobbies.” She looks concerned.

I look away, trying to avoid her knowing look. She knows too much. More than anyone in my life. More than my supposed friend or my parents.

“I know you’re not eating well.” She pulls my skirt up a little higher and points to the small scars that I have created over the years. Each one lined up perfectly to give a semblance of control to the, almost synchronous, pain.

I pull my skirt down, avoiding her look. This is one of my deepest darkest secrets that I swore I would never tell a soul. I never meant to get close to anyone who would ever find out. I’ve been with others in the past who never realized what was happening.

“I haven’t done it since I was released from the hospital.” I hate that I have to explain myself and hope that she believes me. Why do I care if she does?

“I can see that you have revisited a couple from the past but didn’t cut deep enough for it to bleed.” She rubs my arm.

I hate this feeling. Because she sees all of me. The dull and ugly side of me that I keep hidden from everyone else.

My eyes swell up. “I don’t know why I get the urge to do it.”

She pulls my head down and lets me rest against her chest.

“You told me it was because you wanted to feel something. Anything.”

I turn my face into her neck and silently cry.

“I used to watch you sometimes. You would go to this place so far away, even I couldn’t reach you. It was your escape from the real world. This restlessness inside of you, the urge to crawl out of your skin. I get it. I have felt it. But I just throw it into my work. You told me your therapy sessions didn’t help.” She sighs. “The moment we met, there was an instant connection. I wanted to take care of you with all of my might. Jump in front of a moving train if I had to. You didn’t ask me to do that. But your eyes begged me to save you.”

It all sounds true. It sounds right.

“Why are you leaving?” I stop my tears but don’t look at her. It’s easier to talk to her when I don’t have to look into her dark eyes. They can pull every emotion out of me.

She leans further back and sits in silence for a while. “There are some really good job opportunities waiting for me if I go. People are willing to pay almost triple what I get here. They want personalized paintings and their friends do too. I would open a new gallery there and I don’t want to travel back and forth.”

So, you’ll just leave me? I want to yell. But my body is spent. I don’t want to yell anymore.

I slowly get up and look down at her. “When do you leave?”

“September 1st.” There is no emotion on her face.

I nod. Then after more silence I ask what I have been wanting to know since the beginning. “What happened the last time I saw you?”

Her eyes turn hard. “I can tell you what happened over dinner.”

“Stop.” I put my hand up. I’m exhausted. “Either you are going to tell me or I don’t see why we should ever see each other again.”

She takes a deep breath. “So, I tell you now and you never talk to me or I never tell you and still never talk to me?’

“Is it that bad?” I rub my face.

“Just give me a few more days with you. Show you what we can have if you trust me.” She is becoming desperate.

“You will still leave.” I point out.

“I can make you do as I say without having you question me.” Her intent is obvious.

“You can, and then I will resent you for it.”

She gets up and walks me through the office door until we get to the front doors of the building. “Just give some time. But give me all of you. No conditions.” She’s begging me with her eyes.

I find it hard to look away. My heart yearns for her and all that she has to offer.

“Here.” I give her my phone so she can give me her number. “If I don’t call by tomorrow night, just let me be.” She gives me my phone back after putting her information in. “Bye, Camryn.”

I leave without looking back.

~~~~

{Camryn}

The big day has come. It’s Emma’s birthday.

I try to keep my communication with her to a minimum. I call her first thing in the morning to wish her a happy birthday and promise to pick her up at her place after work. She wanted to take the day off but Evelyn told her they had a cake ready for her at the office and it gave me more time to prep their place. Of course, Emma chose to go to work so that she wouldn’t let her roommate down. She’s too pure. Too nice for her own good.

I show up to their place at exactly 5pm.

I begin by arranging the balloons and cupcakes I picked up in a presentable manner. Being an artist shows I’m creative, but decorating is not my strong suit. Luckily Evelyn took care of buying most of the decorations beforehand, so I just put the yellow balloons where I think they make the most sense. I look down at my watch and realize Emma should be here in less than 40 minutes. I use her shower to get ready and change in her room. The black jeans and white shirt are nothing special but I get giddy at the thought of the real surprise waiting back at my place tonight.

The front door suddenly closes and I jump at the sound.

Shit! She’s here or maybe the guests are going to start arriving now?

As I round the corner, I notice that the lights have been dimmed low.

Evelyn is looking at the cupcakes on the table.

“You did a great job!” She rushes into my arms and gives me a hug.

I keep my arms at my side, caught off guard. We’ve never hugged before. Shaking hands has been the closest thing to physical contact between us. She has taken off her blazer and only has her white spaghetti strap and slacks. She even removed her shoes.

“Where is everyone? I thought people would be getting in by now?” I move away from her and walk to the other side of the table, pretending to fix a balloon.

“Oh, they should be arriving soon. Emma went to grab a drink with a couple of coworkers, so that will buy us some more time.” She walks closer to me and I cross my arms.

“I’ll go out and get some more drinks, maybe I didn’t get enough alcohol.” I lamely point at the five liquor bottles on the table.

She steps in front of me and places a hand on my arm. “Camryn, I think we got off on the wrong foot.” I shift away, feeling my skin crawl, but she just gets closer. “I just want us to start over. You have become someone very important to Emma and I have seen a change in her that I can only assume is your doing.” She’s looking up at me under her lashes. “She is so lucky to have someone like you in her life.” She leans up closer.

I see through her act. This innocent best friend act is hard to buy when there is no emotion in her eyes. What she lacks in that department she tries to make up for by being physical. But her sultry looks, pouty lips, and heavy-handed flirtations overpower my senses in the worst way. It is like using a restroom at a gas station, the air smells of cheap perfume but it can’t mask the poor upkeep.

I put my hands on her shoulders and push her down. “Thank you, Evelyn. I am actually the lucky one because Emma is amazing.” The anger is evident in my voice.

Her smile turns slightly. “She doesn’t deserve you.” She whispers. “Emma has everything she needs. She has always had what she has wanted. She doesn’t deserve someone like you.”

How much force would it take for me to throw her across the room? Talking about Emma in such a degrading way, as if she were an enemy and not a friend. I ball my hands and control the urge to slap her. It wouldn’t do any good to stoop to her level. She’s worse than chicken shit.

“How could you say that?” I feel sick to my stomach. To have someone like her by Emma’s side all this time. It has to explain some of Emma’s insecurities. I’m sure Evelyn is manipulative enough to play some mind guys to feed some perverse feeling inside of her.

“Don’t you see? I can be what you need. I can give you what she can’t. I can be happy in your arms. I won’t play hard to get.” She leans in and crushes her lips against mine.

The front door slams closed and I jump away from Evelyn.

There is no one at the door.

My heart drops and I instantly turn to push her to the ground.

I wrap my hand around her neck. “I want you out of this apartment by tonight. If you don’t, I will make sure to make your life a living Hell.”

Her face is turning a deep red from the lack of oxygen and the veins on her temple are starting to pop out but she looks serene. Looking into my eyes, I see peace in hers. She smiles and blows me a kiss.

“Stay the fuck away from Emma, you crazy bitch.” I slam her hair against the carpet and run out of the apartment.

~~~~

{Emma}

I sit in the tub contemplating what to do.

She knows a lot about me. She knows me, the real me. The one I hide behind this complacent mask. I run my hands along the scars on my thighs. My parents don’t know about them but they assume something is wrong with me and make me go to therapy. Instead of trying to figure it out on their own they throw me on to someone else. It is hard opening up to my therapist knowing she could send me to a looney bin if I told her all that really went through my head. I was also very young and impulsive then, when I first started cutting.

Does Camryn help me get over or through this endless path of misery? In the last few days, I can see that she could. She really cares.

I didn’t lie to her when I said I haven’t cut myself since the accident. Even probably before then. My life seemed to be getting better with my new job and my own place. My roommate isn’t so bad, I had something to look forward to being with Camryn. I am just sure of it. Living with my parents isn’t the only problem. I know it is within me, in my head. This self-destructive nature that always questions the meaning of life and if I am actually doing something useful with it. My parents are overbearing at times and want me to act a certain way so that I don’t embarrass them, but I have been unhappy since I was small. Even on my best days there was always a part of me that couldn’t let go of what was holding me back.

I think back to being tied up under her.

That’s the closest that I’ve been to being completely out of my head and quieting my incessant thoughts. I wasn’t worried about how I was acting and what others thought about me. There was no self-loathing. Being under her made me feel at ease. Being under her care. She didn’t push me over the edge, just enough to get me to stop thinking and start feeling. Something very different than I had experienced in the past. I could go days without feeling. Or weeks of feeling too much. There isn’t an even balance. At least not when I wasn’t around her. Being around her does rouse feelings but they’re not all bad. The feelings are also controlled and easier to handle.

Being attracted to her and feeling desired is an unusual feeling. One that I don’t want to let go of. I want her. She wants me. She wants me but is willing to leave me. Everyone seems to think she is bad for me. Why? There is no way my parents know what we were up to in the past, they would have her thrown in jail. They wouldn’t know what to make of it. Their only child, looking forward to being tied up and denied an orgasm.

One person that might know some details is Evelyn. She was relieved that I didn’t remember Camryn, which is odd, but maybe she has her own reasons for distrusting her. I try to think back to how we met. Why Evelyn and I ever move in together. But my brain is as selfish with keeping away thoughts of Camryn as it is of Evelyn. She was very calm and when we talked, I could tell she was hiding something, but I think she’s harmless. She’s probably the best person to get answers from. At least, I hope. I just need to give her more time to get used to the idea that her former friend doesn’t remember her.

The water is cold and my fingers are wrinkling up.

I get out of the tub and dry myself off. I don’t bother looking at myself in the mirror. The half-eaten mac and cheese sits on the kitchen counter and I toss it in the trash can. I try to ignore Camryn’s words from earlier, I have been eating well enough. Will she force me to eat the whole time we’re together?

She’s not that bossy, is she?

~~~~

{Camryn}

I push the doors open and leave the stairwell behind me.

I see her! Walking out of the building.

She starts to curse and yell as soon as she sees me. I try explaining what she saw, trying to put some space between us but also not letting her walk away. I persuade her to get into a cab with me and ask the driver to take us to my place. Emma is simmering the whole time. I see the wheels turning in her head. Her eyebrows are furrowed and she’s gnawing on her bottom lip. I wipe my lips and the memory of Evelyn ever getting near them. She has problems of her own she needed to figure out. There is something seriously wrong with her. Had she approached the whole situation differently and asked for help, I would have been more than happy to assist her. But no, she rather hurt Emma to get what she wants. Whatever that is.

After giving the taxi driver a tip, I drag Emma behind me to my apartment.

Her eyes are blank when we sit across from each other on my couch.

“Emma, you have to know. Baby, you have to know I would never do anything to hurt you.” My voice is pleading.

She’s far away, getting pulled further and further away by her thoughts.

I hold her face and rub her cheek. She’s pale. God, she needs something to eat.

“She planned everything.” I try to explain.

Her eyes focus on mine and she scoffs. “She made you kiss her?”

“I didn’t kiss her!” I let go of her and sit back. I have to control my breathing, my thoughts, I need her to understand. “Emma, Evelyn has serious problems.”

“I know what I saw.” Her face holds resolve.

I kneel by her legs but she shrinks away when I try to touch her. “Emma, I love you. I didn’t kiss her. Please believe me.”

Her eyes are bright. “Believe that you will choose someone like me when Evelyn is also available?”

I shake my head. “That is bullshit. You’re mine. I’m yours. You know this.” I’m at a loss at this point. I want her to believe me. I want her to have trust in us. Have I not loved her enough? Not shown her how valuable she is to me. She is my favorite person in the world. No one can ever change that. Is our relationship so fragile that one misunderstanding can throw everything out the window?

“I’m not yours.” She spits out.

My heart drops.

“I want you to stay away from me.” She gets up but I grab onto her legs.

“No! You can’t leave me.” The desperation in my voice fills the room. I think about the ring in my suit jacket and run to get it.

When I run back into the living room I am standing alone.

I run down the stairs and catch her right as she is getting out of the elevator.

“Marry me!” I put the small box in her hands.

She takes in a shaky breath and starts to cry.

“Please, please. Don’t leave me. I need you.” I start to tear up.

All this time I thought I was the one who was saving her when she was actually saving me. She is my everything. And now she wants to leave me. My mind can’t even fathom a life without Emma. I need her.

“Don’t.” She pushes the box back in my hand. “I can’t.” She rushes out of the building, leaving me with my future in a blue box.

~~~~

{Emma}

I go back to my parents’ house the next day.

After thinking about it all night, tossing and turning, debating on whether or not I should spend more time with Camryn, I decide it is best to call it quits while I can. I can’t imagine falling deeper and deeper in lust with her just to have her walk away from it all. I would be left ruined. No one would ever be able to replace her and I would be a fool to think I won’t spend the rest of my life trying. At least now I still have a chance to start over. I haven’t had any more memories of our past interrupt my sights on my future. I can pick up where I left off. Try to take care of myself and shut her out of my mind.

I can do that. Right?

My parents are happy to have me back. They know I’m just staying for the time being and that I will go back to my own place eventually. I’m thinking maybe after September, I don’t tell them that of course. The further away I am the better. I won’t be tempted to seek her out. Her number burns a hole in my back pocket, so I leave my phone in my room. I already made plans to see Heather later.

I walk around the house trying to pass the time. My father is in his study on a conference call and my mother went out to grab lunch with her friends. I stop in the middle of the hallway and walk towards the tall window. I lean against the wall and stare down at the gardener, picking the weeds out. If they let them grow, they will take over the whole garden. Is it as easy as pulling them out?

“Miss Emma?” Rosa comes up to me. She’s carrying some folded towels in her hands.

“Good morning, Rosa.” I move away from the window and walk past her before she can ask any questions.

Rosa is better at reading my moods than my parents are. When my therapy sessions go awry, Rosa is the best person to talk to. She listens without interrupting. She doesn’t judge or hold anything against me. I can’t handle that right now.

“I’ll be in the backyard if my parents ask.” I let me know before rushing down the stairs.

~~~~

{Camryn}

I call her until there is no room for any more voice messages.

I text her over and over again asking for forgiveness, begging her to give me another chance, to let us start over.

I don’t bother going to bed, knowing her scent will keep me awake.

I dread the thought of never hearing from her again.

~~~~

{Emma}

Heather looks pretty tonight.

She’s wearing a light orange dress that comes down to her thighs. And her hair is pulled back by a clip. She’s the conventional pretty girl in the movies that gets the guy at the end. Or girl. What makes her beauty stand out is her sweet nature. She has this charm about her that is easy to get attracted to. One of her sweet smiles is enough to calm my nerves. Her hazel eyes shine under the candlelight as she leans over and tells me a corny joke.

I laugh to appease her.

We talk about the past, the things we did growing up, life after college.

It is all going well.

I excuse myself and go to the restroom. I try to control my emotions when I get into a stall. It shouldn’t be this hard, right? I should be able to play my role as her friend and then eventually we could be more. But I can’t stop thinking about Camryn. Three days without talking to her. She is probably crushed and has finally agreed to leave me alone. My eyes start to water but I take deep breaths.

I’m nothing like Heather. I don’t fit in. I don’t want to talk about what she wants to talk about or what others think we should talk about. I take more deep breaths. She’s too good. Too pure. I bring unhappiness, uneasiness, absolutely no substance. I can’t even pretend without feeling like I’m betraying myself. I shouldn’t do what I don’t want to do. Or be around people I don’t want to be around. But that isn’t fair. Heather is amazing. Having her as a friend could help me. She’s already been doing better than Evelyn has. But that means I will have to be completely honest with her. She will run. As soon as I mention something about who I really am she will leave.

Just like Camryn.

There is a knock in my stall.

“Emma?” Heather calls, quietly.

“I’ll be right out.” I control my tears and flush the toilet.

“Are you alright?” She watches as I wash my hands.

“Yeah, I think I’m coming down with something.” I look over at her and see the concern in her eyes. The guilt piles on.

Why is there guilt with her and not with Evelyn? I can’t pinpoint the difference between the two but there is something different with Heather. Yet, I can’t see past the miserable night she might be having because of me.

I sniffle.

“We can pick this up later.” She suggests.

“Yeah,” My tone is not convincing. I sigh. “I’m sorry, Heather. I just-I’m still hung up on the girl I told you about.”

She nods, “Yeah, I get it. And that’s fine. I really don’t mind just being friends.” Her smile is genuine.

It makes me feel worse.

“Sure.” I dry my hands and motion for the door. “I’m still going to leave, if that’s okay.”

She waves me off. “Don’t worry about it. You can treat me next time.”

I nod and give her a small wave.

~~~~

{Camryn}

Everything in my life is dark.

All of my memories have been ruined. By that one night. The ring sits on my table, mocking me for being fucking pathetic. For seeing the world with rose colored glasses. I’m a joke. I want to burn my apartment down. Erase all of our shared moments. Break the chair where we ate together, break the laptop we would watch movies on.

I leave everything untouched. Willing time to stop just for a second.

I throw myself into my paintings. Drawing her over and over and over again. Sitting down, standing up, staring at me, walking away. She’s always alone. Always in the dark, always in despair. I can never include anyone else. No one else belongs in her world.

Not even me apparently.

My heart clenches when I remember her father refused to give me his blessing.

He was right, she would never have me. How could I not see that?

I am not good enough for her. I’m garbage. I’m trash. I have nothing to give her that she can’t get from the next girl. She will live happily ever after and I will never forget her.

The brush strokes ruin the painting, I throw it aside and I cry until I’m gasping for air.

I can’t breathe.

~~~~

{Emma}

The days and nights start blending in again.

I spend my time walking around the house, trying to spend time outside to get some fresh air. I eat lunch and dinner with my parents. Everything is starting to feel normal again. My mother tries to take me shopping and out to lunch with her friends but I decline each time. I don’t think I can stomach a conversation with her friends. We live comfortably but they live luxuriously. Their backhanded compliments are enough to throw anyone off their game. I don’t understand why my mom likes to do it.

I’m sitting in the living room, watching an old movie, when my dad walks in.

He just got back from the office. He’s wearing a suit and has a tired look on his face.

“Mind if I join you?” He motions to the spot next to me.

I wave him over and make more room on the loveseat.

“How was your day?” I ask, my eyes stuck on the T.V.

“Long. Where is your mother?” He removes his tie.

“Out with her friends.”

We sit in silence for the next two scenes. I know he’s not paying attention. His fascination is sports.

“I hear you and Heather have been getting pretty close.” He looks over at me.

I smirk. “We have been talking. She’s very nice.”

He nods. “That’s good. Maybe it’s time you get back out there and play the field.”

“Maybe.” I let that hang over us.

“She comes from a good family.” He reminds me.

I nod.

We sit in silence again.

“Well, I’m going to get ready for dinner.” He gets up and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

~~~~

{Camryn}

Katy comes to my art studio and helps me set aside some paintings for my last show here.

“You don’t look so good.” She gives me a once over.

“Thanks.” The cigarette hangs off my lips.

She doesn’t bother mentioning Emma. She knows that will trigger me and we have to get through all of these paintings by tonight.

“I hate to say this but this is some of your best work.” She turns her head and rubs her neck.

“Thanks.” I want to throw all of these pictures over the bridge and into the water. They don’t feel like they’re mine.

“Are you sure you’re ready to move?” She gives me a weary look.

“There’s nothing holding me here.” I light another cigarette.

I need to get away, as soon as possible.

~~~~

{Emma}

Heather tugs my hand and walks through the threshold.

I keep an eye out for Camryn. She has to be here. My heart is racing and my body is on high alert. This is a terrible idea. Why did I agree to it?

“Emma!” Katy calls me. I’m pretty sure her name is Katy.

I give her a small wave and introduce Heather.

She’s very careful with the look she gives me. I know she knows about the accident so it must be weird for her to see me here with someone else. Plus, I don’t have any recollection of us ever being friends even if Camryn says otherwise. Katy looks like a fun person to be around. Why would she ever hang out with me?

“We miss you at boxing class.” She gives me a small smile. “Maybe you can bring your friend to one of my classes? You really enjoyed them, you know?”

I now and then excuse us so we can look at the paintings.

Heather lets me hold her arm as we move along through each room. She is fascinated by all of the paintings. Her eyes keep falling on me but she doesn’t say anything about my body language.

“Emma.” Camryn appears behind us.

I clutch Heather’s arm but we turn to look at her.

“Hi.” Her eyes devour me.

“Hi.” I find it hard to look away from her.

“Hi, I’m Heather.” She reaches out and shakes Camryn’s hand. “Huge fan of your work.” She gushes.

I hold my breath as they shake hands, waiting for an outburst that never comes.

Camryn just leans in to kiss my cheek as I still hold on to Heather.

She is a different person. Her professionalism and charisma are blinding. She gives us a thorough tour and personal insight into the rest of her paintings. I expect her to be jealous out of her mind but she is nice and welcoming towards Heather. There is no hostility nor pettiness. Nothing like the way I treated Cassidy. It makes me fall for her even more.

As I listen to her explain some of her the inspirations for her paintings, I get a sinking feeling that almost all of them were created after our last conversation before I lost my memory. I see them in a different light. The loneliness stands out more, the sadness seeps through the paint, the morose feelings breathe through the canvas. I am almost in tears when we reach the last painting.

“Would you ladies like to grab dinner? I know of a great place nearby.” She looks hopeful.

“Sorry, but I have to get back to my parent’s soon.” I interrupt whatever Heather is about to say.

“Thank you for your time though. We really appreciated it.” She gives Camryn another hand shake.

“Thank you, for keeping Emma company.” Her smile is sincere.

On our way out, Katy stops us.

“We are having a farewell dinner for Camryn next week. I know she would really love your presence there.” She gives me a small envelope and waves us out.

~~~~

{Camryn}

Evelyn tries to call me and message me.

I block her number.

I know I’m the one to blame for ever letting it get to the point it did, there is no way in Hell I’m letting it happen again. I think about putting a restraining order but I know it won’t hold in court. If anything, I’m the one who got physical with her. I just hope she stays away from Emma.

I start the paperwork to transfer the gallery over to Katy. If anyone is just as sad about seeing this place shut down as I am, Katy wins first place. This was her first gig, she helped me raise it from the ground up, it is as much her baby as mine. After a lot of persuasion and offering to help her with upkeep, she decided to take ownership and use the space for up-and-coming new artists. That is the only good thing that came out of all of this

I break my apartment lease, buy a one-way plane ticket, and start to sell the rest of furniture.

With each small step that I take towards leaving my hometown, the realization that I am leaving without her burns a bigger hole in my heart.

Will it ever go away?

~~~~

{Emma}

I hear another person’s voice as I come down for lunch.

My heart races at the thought of it being Camryn but I know my parents wouldn’t even let her in the house in the first place.

“Emma, hi.” Evelyn is standing next to my mother.

“Look who decided to drop by.” My mother looks excited to see her. “How are your parents dear?”

“Very well, they always ask about Emma.” Evelyn moves to hug me and I return it as best as I can.

I guess this distraction will be as good as any. Today is Camryn’s going away dinner and I know it will be hard to stay away from. Heather offered to go with me but I don’t think I could manage it. Being in the same room as Camryn, knowing she is leaving me forever. I can’t stomach it

I invite Evelyn out to our back yard and get Rosa to bring us some lemonade.

Our conversation is a bit awkward. I know there is something Evelyn is hiding and it is making it hard to trust anything else she says.

“What happened with Camryn?” I cut to the chase. “Do you know why we argued the night of my accident?” I know it had to be an accident because Camryn blames herself.

All this time, this is all I have wanted to know.

She looks uncomfortable. “I don’t know what good it would do to talk about it?”

I brace myself. “I can handle it.”

She gets up and walks towards the pool. I follow her and we sit on the edge, dipping our feet in.

“She asked me to model for her one day.” She’s looking out at the water.

That makes sense. Even now when she is not trying, Evelyn looks like a true model. Natural beauty and all. She’s wearing a simple white lace shirt with black shorts but her skin is perfectly tanned and her face is symmetrical. No imperfections.

“It wasn’t until your birthday that I realized she just wanted to get close to me to hook up.” She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. “Do you remember?”

I stare into the water, intently. I try to remember my birthday. God, did it have to be on my birthday? I have the shittiest luck. Maybe this is a very poorly written sitcom.

“She kissed me.” Her voice lacks emotion. Her lips are turned down and her brows are furrowed.

My mind recalls a small memory. It starts small. Like a small brush against my subconscious. I hang on to it for dear life. That night. It’s that night! There are yellow balloons, decorations. Evelyn and Camryn kissing in the middle of my living room. Liquor bottles on the table.

I gasp and starts to breathe hard.

It really did happen.

Her eyes widen and she shakes my shoulder. “You’re remembering?”

Through my tears I see the sick gratification she is getting from this. She isn’t concerned for me. She’s salivating at my sadness. Getting off on my tears.

I cover my face and shake my head. What is happening?

Why is it happening now?

“She wanted to leave you as soon as she kissed me.” There’s excitement in her voice.

Another memory flashes before my eye and I see Carmyn placing a small box in my hand, asking me to marry her. I gasp again and the tears come in buckets.

Oh God, what did I do?

She’s crying in front of me. And I…I-How could I break her heart like that? She was ready to give me all I have every wanted. I practically threw it all in her face and left her alone to pick up the pieces.

I get up and push Evelyn away from me when she tries to hold me back.

With some of my memory gone it has been easier to see Evelyn for who she is. There is no clouded judgement because of our old friendship, nothing that paints her in a good light. Was she ever really my friend? Was I just a punching bag for her? Someone that would never talk back and take whatever I was given? And all this time, I’ve been scared of Camryn.

“How could you?” I wrap my hands around myself.

She doesn’t say anything.

“You wanted to ruin my life!” I accuse.

“Your life was already ruined before I did anything.” She gets close enough for me to hear her whisper. “Don’t you get tired of feeling sorry for yourself?”

I shake my head. “How could you pretend to be my friend?”

“I didn’t have to do anything really. You were so desperate to have a friend that I didn’t have to do much to get you to do whatever I wanted.” Her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “You complained about your life when you have had every opportunity to be whoever you wanted to be.”

“You’re jealous of me?” It’s unbelievable to me. But nothing else makes sense.

She scoffs. “You wish, you lowlife, emotional wreck.”

My head snaps back as if she slapped me.

“You should have just gone through with it and jumped. Ended your life so we could all move on with ours.”

I should have jumped? I was going to jump? I don’t remember that. But holy shit is she taking this to the darkest place I could have imagined. I’m scared.

For the first time since I can remember, I see emotion in her eyes. Wrath. Hatred. Deep red antagonism.

I slowly move back and put more space between us. I’m afraid of her. She has the power to take me down with a few words, I can’t image what she would do if she actually got her hands one me.

“You’re sick.” I turn away and rush into the living room.

There is so much I ruined. So much I can’t imagine I will be forgiven for but I have to try. I need to fix this. For her. She needs me.

Grabbing my father’s car keys, I shout and order for Pablo to kick Evelyn out as soon as possible.

I rush through the highway, hitting 20 over the speed limit to make it to the farewell dinner before it is over. I slam my hand against the steering wheel over and over again when a slow car gets in front of me or the cars come to a complete halt. The sun is setting behind me.

I ruined everything that night. I did. She wanted to marry me. She wanted me and I was too much of a coward to want her back with just as much force. Why do I only get to have these short memories back? Will the rest come with time or should I be grateful for what I do get?

Oh God, Evelyn. She needs help. It is hard to feel sympathetic towards her when she caused all of this but I know what it is like to be at odds with your own mind. She didn’t wake up one day and became this person. She was made to be who she is. However soulless and lifeless she may seem to be, I know we shared real moments. I cared for her even if she couldn’t care for me the same way.

I wipe my tears away.

Hopefully I’m not too late.

I park my dad’s car illegally in order to get to the restaurant on time.

Katy looks surprised to see me walk through the front door.

After she gives me a short hug, she gives me a small smile. “She left already. She has an early flight.”

I stand there long enough to catch my breath.

In my heart I know I should go to her apartment. To call her and explain everything that I know. Instead, I walk back to the car and drive to the last place I expected to be tonight.

Evelyn might have been right about one thing. I should have jumped.

There are no thoughts in my head. I just want to be alone. To let go of all of these emotions. Shut them all down. Flush the pieces of my heart down the drain. Do I really have my heart if Camryn is taking it with her? Is it even mine at this point?

I turn off the car and look out to the bridge. The night lights are on and I see one other person there.

I stumble out of the car and resist running to her.

“Camryn.” I call out.

She stops moving something around in her hand and slowly turns to look at me. She doesn’t move.

I walk until I’m standing next to her. She turns to face me and I can’t stop myself from throwing myself into her arms. I take in a shaky breath and allow myself to feel safe, to feel wanted, to feel loved.

She hugs me tight and doesn’t say anything as I silently cry against her neck.

“I love you.” I choke out. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a cowered that didn’t know how to fight for our love. But I’m here.” I suck in a breath.

She freezes for a moment. With as much gentleness as she can muster, she frames my face with her hands and wipes my tears. “You remember?” She holds her breath.

I shake my head. “I just remember some of that night.”

“I would never hurt you.” She reiterates.

I nod. “I know. I know. I’m sorry.” I pull her tighter against me, afraid that if there is any space between us, she will turn into air. “Even when I didn’t remember you I knew my heart belonged to you.” My tears are soaking her shirt.

She shushes my sobbing and shakes her head. “Baby, I’m sorry. I should have handled everything better.”

I look away from her. “I ruined everything.” She tries to interrupt me but I stop her. “I can’t excuse the way I reacted but I know that I was terrified of losing you. I thought I lost you.” I try to explain. “I thought if I ended things, it would be easier to let you go. But please-” I pull back enough to look at her. “Don’t leave me.” My voice breaks.

She shakes her head and leans her forehead against mine. “I never want to live without you.”