Locked In Amber

******

Author’s note: I normally don’t like to break the fourth wall, but I consider it important enough to do so in this instance. This chapter deals with the very serious topic of psychological trauma and I think that, for some readers, this may be important to be aware of. It is a critical factor in our character’s life and needs to be told. I have tried to portray the narrative in a manner respectful to the characters and readers.

The story has been a bit of a slow burn for a reason and this chapter in particular is quite serious. But don’t worry–there is plenty of romance building and sauciness in store as we move on. For those of you who have stuck with it since the beginning — thank you. If, for some reason, you have decided to jump in with this chapter, I strongly urge you to go back and start with Chapter 01 instead.

~Alkymist

******

The rushing sensation dropped from Amber’s gut like a lead weight cut loose and the buzzing in her head snapped into a deafening silence. Amber fell to her knees and started sobbing incoherently, her words broken with gasps for air. “Thought he was going to… Spencer, not Todd… the water… Oh, God, what have I done?”

Recovering from her shock, Elise quickly moved towards the younger woman and put her arm around her shoulder, guiding her up off the floor. “Here, here, sit down.” Amber complied. “Are you okay? Did something happen?” Amber burst forth with new sobs and could only nod. Not knowing which question Amber was answering, Elise realized she had to get Amber to focus. She glanced up at the patio door and thought she could hear water splashing.

“Amber, please look at me.” Amber slowly looked up, blinking rapidly, her tears mixing with the pool water still leaking from her hair. Her mascara was streaked. “Amber, I want to help you. You are safe. But I need to know, is Spencer okay or do I need to get him help? Is there danger at the pool?”

Amber glanced back at the door, sniffed, and took some shuddering breaths. “N…n..no,” she stuttered. “I… I… he’s… he’s in the pool.”

Elise, clearly torn, stood up but still held a hand on Amber’s shoulder. “I’m just going to take a quick look, but I’ll be right back,” she said firmly. Quickly crossing the room, she went out on the deck. Amber pulled the towel tighter around herself, shivering. Her heart was pounding, but at least the buzzing in her ears was gone. She could hear Elise call out to Spencer from the deck and an indecipherable response. Elise came back and sat next to Amber. “Amber, may I put my arm around you?” Amber nodded and leaned her head on the woman’s shoulder. She could smell the mild perfume again. Elise just sat there holding her and encouraging deep breaths and occasionally murmuring to the young woman, reminding her she was safe. Amber clung to the warmth and the comfort.

A few moments later, as Amber’s breathing was starting to get back under control, Spencer rushed in the door. He was oblivious to the water dripping off of him all over the rug. “Amber? Amber, are you okay?” There was a sharp edge of panic in his voice.

Elise raised a hand gesturing for him to wait. In his concern, he stepped closer and reached out to touch Amber’s shoulder in comfort. “WAIT!” Elise barked at him. Amber cringed and Spencer quickly withdrew his hand as if burned, a look of confusion on his face. More gently, Elise apologized. “Sorry. Just give the poor girl some space. We will figure out what happened but she needs some time. Why don’t you go dry off and change while I help her?” Spencer hesitated a few moments, obviously torn. Elise shot him a stern look and motioned with her head to move away. He slowly headed down a hallway, a deeply concerned look as he glanced back before disappearing out of sight. Amber glanced up and watched him go and gave another choked sob.

Elise gave her a comforting squeeze. “Amber?” Amber looked up again, her expression somewhat dazed. “Why don’t you come with me and I will help clean you up, okay?” The younger woman stood up, one hand holding Elise’s, the other still clutching the towel around herself. She let herself be escorted back to Elise’s bathroom.

“Sorry about the wet couch,” she murmured as they entered the brightly lit room.

Elise turned around to face her. “It is fine. It will dry out. Even now you are concerned for others. You are very sweet and caring.” She reached up to brush back some strands of wet hair that were hanging in front of Amber’s face.

Amber’s breath hitched. “I… I don’t know. I wasn’t very caring to… to Spencer.” She started to tear up again.

Elise stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Amber, embracing her as a sister might. “Yes, yes you are,” she whispered as Amber clutched her back, her emotions once again letting loose.

Eventually, the additional sobs began to lessen in frequency and Amber pulled her head back. “Thanks,” she said quietly, her gratitude punctuated by a loud sniffle as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She glanced down at the mix of pool water and tears on Elise’s shoulder. Small smears of black were streaked throughout. “Oh! I’m sorry about your shirt.” She then looked over at the mirror and grimaced. Her mascara had streaked and smeared. “God, I’m a mess!”

Elise didn’t even glance at her shoulder. She gently squeezed Amber’s hand and smiled. “Nothing to worry about. I can change later. Let’s focus on you, okay? Are you feeling a bit better?”

Amber took a deeper breath and nodded. “I think I may be all bawled out.” She then turned her gaze away from the mirror to the sapphire blue pools looking at her. Once again, she detected the subtle odor of Elise’s soft perfume. She was just thinking to herself how it seemed to have a calming effect on her when she found herself leaning in and kissing Elise on the lips. They were soft, and sweet, and felt…

“Oh my god!” Amber exclaimed, pulling away suddenly and putting a hand to her mouth. What have I done? Why did I do that? “I’m so sorry. I don’t know why…” She put both of her hands up to cover her face in shame. “Oh, God, I’m so embarrassed right now,” she muttered, her voice muffled.

Elise recovered from her slightly shocked look and gently tugged on Amber’s hands. Amber let her hands be moved away but averted her gaze. Her cheeks were crimson. “Amber,” Elise began, her voice a bit unsure. “Amber, please don’t be embarrassed.”

Amber tried looking back up at her, but her eyes kept darting away. They instead found a stencil at the upper edge of the wall that was much easier to focus on. “I really… I really don’t know where that came from. I’ve never kissed… I don’t know why I did. That was so wrong! I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me!” She bit her upper lip.

Elise smiled gently. “Amber, you are currently in the middle of processing emotional trauma. Everyone does so differently. You have graciously allowed me to help you and that IS intimate, by which I mean ‘close and personal’. I understand your embarrassment, but I hope that you will let it go. Please?”

Amber found the courage to look back down at Elise’s face. “Okay. I’ll try. It’s just…” Her eyes couldn’t maintain the contact and she went back to memorizing the stencil pattern. “Umm, do you think I could have a moment? I am so mixed up right now.”

“Of course! I’ll go change my shirt. Take your time.” As she left the room and gently closed the door behind her, Amber dropped her gaze to the sink.

Oh my god! What was that all about? I don’t even know where that came from or why?

She told you, silly. You’re an emotional wreck right now!

She didn’t say that.

The other voice seemed to shrug. Okay, that’s my take on it, but still… you’re all shades of fucked up. Plus, she smells damn good. And she’s hot.

Amber chose to ignore that last sentence. Why am I arguing with myself? Square breathing… try square breathing. She closed her eyes and began to concentrate.

Four counts in…

Hold for four…

Four counts out…

Hold for four…

Amber continued the cycle and could feel herself beginning to calm and her mental chatter to diminish.

A few minutes later, there was a light knock at the door. “Amber,” Elise called out gently. “Do you need more time?”

Amber turned towards the door and opened her eyes. Now for the test. She stepped forward and turned the handle. Elise had changed out of her shirt and jeans into a comfortable set of light blue loungewear and had pulled her hair back into a ponytail. Amber stepped back to make space in the doorway. “No, thank you. Come in, I guess?”

Elise stepped in and tilted her head to one side, her eyes looking Amber up and down. “How do you feel? You seem… better.”

Amber gave a half shrug, half nod. “Ehh. I think I may have calmed down a bit. I’m still pretty embarrassed though. I mean about the whole pool thing and… you.” Well, at least you kept eye contact longer than a millisecond there before looking away.

“Ahh. Would it help if we focused on something else?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Let me see if I can help,” Elise said, moving over to the counter. She grabbed a bottle and an apothecary jar with some pads. “Here, turn towards me. Let’s get you cleaned up a bit, yes?”

Amber looked at her image in the mirror again. “Ugh. I look like I should be on the cover of some death metal album. Guess that makeup isn’t so great with pool water.”

Elise chuckled as she began to apply the remover and clean up the ruined mascara. “Well, I can give you some recommendations later. But right now, let’s just focus on getting you back to feeling somewhat normal, shall we?”

Amber leaned back, her eyes closed as Elise worked around her face. Feeling the other woman so close to her again started to bring up multiple feelings once more. She tried to squash them down. In doing so, she remembered something she’d said earlier and felt a sense of alarm. “Elise?”

“Hmm?”

“I just realized something. Umm, after I… uhh, after I…” She couldn’t finish and exhaled in irritation. “Aaargh!”

“After you kissed me?” She said it matter-of-factly, with no hint of concern, and continued to work on the makeup.

Amber felt her cheeks flush again. “Yeah… After that, I uhh… I said… I think I said something about how I’ve never, um, kissed a girl and then said it was so wrong. And I want to clarify that I meant it was wrong to kiss you, not that kissing girls is wrong.”

The wiping on her face stopped and Amber peeked open one eye. Elise was looking up in thought, her lips pursed. “Hmm, I recall you saying something about kissing. You did say how it was wrong, but, honestly, I took it as you intended.” She looked back at Amber. “No worries.”

“Oh. Good.” She sat there quietly until Elise finished a few moments later.

“There we go,” Elise said as she gathered up the small pile of used pads and threw them in a trash can in the corner.

Amber watched her clean up the mess. “Thanks for doing that. And… thanks for being so understanding.”

Elise grabbed a fresh washcloth from a drawer. “Of course. I’m glad I can help. You seem to be recovering a bit.”

Amber nodded. “Yeah, I feel a bit like I’m coming out of a fog. Talking with you has been helpful. May I ask… do you have experience with this sort of thing? I mean, I was freaking out and you just seemed to step up and know what to do.”

Elise started running the cloth under hot water and seemed to be collecting her thoughts. “I do. Well, not exactly the same thing, of course, but there was someone I once knew who… experienced some terrible things and needed help. I did the best I could at the time, but I tried to learn more afterward. However, I don’t know that now is an appropriate time to tell you that story though. You don’t need to bear the weight of someone else’s tragedy right now.”

Amber nodded thoughtfully. “Oh, okay. That makes sense.” Her brow creased as she thought of something else. “Umm, I had another question, if you don’t mind. Do you think I should tell Spencer about the… kiss?” Her heart started to get a twisty feeling.

“I can tell that this is weighing deeply on you,” Elise remarked as she turned back towards Amber.

“Yeah,” Amber exhaled.

Elise put her hand to her mouth for a moment while she pondered her response. “Here is my take on it. There are three people that I think you are concerned about—you, me, and Spencer. Let’s first consider you. It was a deeply emotional moment, as I previously said. I don’t know what happened outside, but you were clearly scared and then comforted by someone holding you close. You craved a connection and you reached out for it.” Elise paused for a moment and then continued, her voice taking on a more playful tone. “I do not think you were professing your undying love for me, correct?” She smiled to show she was teasing.

Amber stifled an unexpected laugh. “Haha, no. Not that you’re not lovely, but your relationship with Nicolette is still safe.”

“Well, there you go. We have an explanation for what happened and I do not think you have done anything wrong. I can only hope that this helps you feel better about yourself.

“As for me, it was unexpected, but not unpleasant. I think I understand why it happened and am not upset about it. I do not read anything further into it.

“And as for my brother… if you are worried that he would be upset, I do not believe he would be. Curious, probably, but Spencer is also very understanding. So, I do not personally think you need to tell him and I would not consider it some sort of dangerous secret. But your decision to bring it up is really more about what you feel is appropriate for you and your relationship. Make sense?”

“Yes, thank you. I will have to think about this.”

“I get the feeling that you’re big on thinking everything out. My brother is the same way. You are a good match.”

“Yeah, I am always thinking about everything. Maybe too much sometimes. And us both being overthinkers is what’s led to us taking forever to actually go out.”

Elise chuckled. “Well, that’s true too. Best to find some middle ground, perhaps…” Elise handed her the hot washcloth. “Here, the heat may help you feel better.” Amber applied it to her face and held it there letting the warmth seep in. She could feel herself starting to relax the slightest degree.

When she took the cloth away, Elise handed her a bottle. “This will help rejuvenate your skin.” Amber began applying it to her face. It left a pleasant tingle.

As Amber worked, Elise gently placed a hand on the side of her upper arm. “Amber, I have a question for you now. Would you be open to talking about what happened down by the pool?” Amber stiffened slightly and opened her eyes.

“Umm…”

Elise continued, her voice soft. “I don’t want to pressure you. But I do want you to know that I am completely here for your support, okay? If you are willing to talk, feel free to tell me as much or as little as you wish. If you are not ready to talk about it right now, please let me know if there is anything I can do.” She stood looking Amber directly in the eyes, searching. Miraculously, Amber didn’t look away.

Amber nodded. “Thanks. I… I think I’ve recovered enough that I… I would be open to talking with you soon.”

“Good. But don’t feel rushed.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.” A drop of water from the swimsuit trickled down the inside of her leg and she shivered, smacking it out of reflex. “Gahh!”

Elise was startled by the sudden motion. “Oh! We need to get you dressed. Are your clothes down at the pool house? Shall I get them for you?” She started towards the door and then paused, looking back. “Or would you rather I stay here?”

Amber looked up. “Oh… yeah, they are there, but they are soaking wet. I… I fell in.” She looked away in embarrassment.

“Ah, I see. Well, let me think then. Hmm, the suit seems to fit you well enough. Here, why don’t you get out of it and I’ll go see what I can scrounge up from Nicolette’s clothes.” Elise stepped out and Amber worked her way out of the wet bathing suit, rinsing it under the bathtub faucet. Elise returned just as she was wringing it out.

“These seemed most likely to fit,” she said, holding out a folded t-shirt and pair of sweatpants. “At least your underwear is dry.” She indicated the pair neatly folded on the edge of the bath from earlier.

Amber thanked her and began dressing in the clothes, grateful for their dry warmth. Funny how I was embarrassed to change in front of her earlier and now I don’t care. Ha, guess it just takes a little trauma to drop my insecurities. She then realized how much she’d been focusing on herself and felt a pang of chagrin.

“Elise? How’s Spencer? I’ve spent all this time thinking of myself and he’s probably wondering what the hell is going on. Can you check on him?”

Elise paused for a moment as if assessing the situation before she nodded. “I checked on him earlier, but I will check in again to give you some space.”

Amber finished cleaning herself up and stared in the mirror. The makeup was all gone, but her eyes were still red and puffy. No more death metal. Now I’ve moved on to the breakup album. She rinsed her hair in the tub and tried to dry it with the towel. She worked to get it in some semblance of order with her hands. It was about as good as it was going to get when Elise came back in and saw what she was trying to do. “May I?” she inquired, grabbing a brush.

After receiving Amber’s approval, she began to brush out the hair in long, slow strokes. Amber closed her eyes. Why is it always so relaxing when someone else brushes your hair? It reminded her of when she was little and her mother would help her get ready. Miss you, Mom.

“You asked how Spencer is doing?” Elise’s voice made her open her eyes and look in the mirror at the woman behind her working out the tangles. “He is about as you’d expect: confused, nervous, and very much worried about how you are. He was bandaging his foot and asked when I thought he could talk with you.”

His foot? What happened to his foot? Did he break something? Did I injure him? Amber felt a wave of shame wash across her body. Oh, God, Spencer, after these past couple of days, how will you ever forgive me? She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’d really like to talk to you both now if that’s okay.” She glanced up into the mirror.

Elise smiled warmly back at her. “I’ll let him know. How about we meet down the hall in the game room. It’s cozier.” She gave instructions on where it was in the house. “Just come out when you’re ready. I’ll be with you.”

******

Amber made her way down the hallway. She had waited a few minutes, gathering her emotional strength and trying to place her feelings and thoughts into words. As she approached, she heard Spencer speaking in a quiet voice, “…don’t know what happened. Maybe I misread the moment? I put my arms around her, whispered in her ear, and the next thing I know, she’s tossing me into the pool like Chun-Li.” The memory played over again in Amber’s head and she felt a pang of terrible guilt.

“I don’t know,” Elise’s voice wafted back. “I suspect there may be a history here we are unaware of. Something is obviously affecting her. Let’s just give her space and time to go at her own pace. I mean it, Spencer. I know your first instinct will be to rush to her and give her a hug—don’t. Let her know you care verbally but follow her lead physically.”

Amber took a deep breath and walked into the room. The walls were a dark red and the lamps were low. A large-screen television took up one wall with a sectional facing it. A couple of large, cozy chairs were strategically placed around the room. A walnut gaming table was in a nook, a bookshelf stacked with board games behind it. Spencer and Elise stopped talking and looked up. Elise stood up and came over to her while Spencer stood, but seemed unsure of what to do. Amber glanced down at his foot and saw that his right foot had a bandage wrapped around the ankle. “Hey,” she said meekly. She could see the pain in his eyes, and not because of the injured foot.

Amber moved across the room towards the sofa, Elise at her side, and sat down in one of the chairs. Elise leaned on the arm of the sectional, her lean legs out in front of her. “So… how about that weather, huh?” Amber quipped with a half-hearted smile. Bad humor, the deflection of those in pain. Neither Elise nor Spencer gave a response., but waited patiently. “I, uh… I guess we need to talk. This is… really difficult for me, so I hope you’ll understand.” They both nodded. “But first, Spence, umm, is your foot okay? What happened?”

He glanced at the bandage. In a subdued voice he said, “It’s okay. Just bruised and scraped it a bit when I… fell. It started bleeding.”

She looked at his face. “Oh, good. I mean, not good, but… not broken.” She paused and then the words began tumbling out at a rapid speed. “I’m sorry about that. I mean, I’m really sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I was really nervous about tonight and then embarrassed about falling in the pool and felt weird and then it was Todd at the pool party and then there was a rushing and buzzing and I thought you were him and I was so revolted and I just lashed out. I hope you will forgive me. Between the other morning and this evening, I’ve made such a mess of things.” A tear started trickling down her face and she wiped it quickly, sniffing. Elise stepped away towards a shelf and came back with a box of tissues.

Spencer looked like he was about to say something, stopped, and then stared at the floor for a moment. Amber’s inner voice started to worry again that he was going to not want to see her anymore. Here it comes, he can’t possibly want to spend time with me after two freak-outs. No, three. And that hurts. And if it hurts, that means it’s something I value and don’t want to lose. “I’m sorry. I think I’m broken.”

Spencer’s head whipped up. “Broken? What? No. Amber, whatever has happened here, you are NOT broken!” His voice was strong with emotion before calming a bit as he continued after a pause. “I’m just trying to find the right words. I’m confused. I’m curious. I’m saddened to see you in such pain. I want to reach out to you, but I’m afraid.”

At this, she flinched. He’s afraid of me and who can blame him? He saw the flinch and quickly clarified. “What I mean is, I’m afraid that if I do reach out to you, you’ll be afraid of me. I don’t want to cause you more pain.”

“You’re… you don’t think there’s something wrong with me? I mean, I just lashed out and shoved you into the pool. You could have hit your head or drowned or who knows what! Normal people don’t do that when they plan to go for a romantic night swim in a beautiful pool.” She realized what she’d just admitted and felt her cheeks warm but didn’t look away.

“Well, I’m not going to deny there’s definitely something strange going on here. But I didn’t hit my head or drown. I just really want to understand and know what I can do to help you so that maybe someday we can go for a romantic swim in the pool.”

“Amber?” At the sound of the new voice, Amber switched her look from Spencer to his sister. Elise’s blue eyes seemed to search inside of Amber’s head and she had a very caring look on her face. “We are not counselors or psychologists. But Spencer, I think, you could call a friend. And, while I have not known you very long, I could see us being friends as well. You are very… sincere and personable and caring—traits that are missing in a lot of people. So while we may not be able to offer you professional advice, I hope that you will believe that my brother and I sincerely wish to help you feel better.” Spencer nodded in agreement as his sister continued, “And if you are open to sharing whatever you are comfortable with, we are open to listening and offering whatever we have to comfort you.”

Amber wiped away another tear. “I am… I… I think I could try that. I think you deserve to know. I’ve only told one other person and that’s Kat. Well, two if you count Dr. Judy. It will be hard for me, but first, do you think I could get a cup of tea?”

Elise moved towards the hall. “I’ll get some for everyone.”

“Hey, Spencer?” Amber was looking him in the eye.

“Yeah?”

“I’m really sorry. I hope you’re not hurt. Well, your foot obviously is… but I mean emotionally too. I really like what we had and here we found another big tangled knot. I hope we can work past this one too. Opening up to someone is so hard.”

He smiled slightly. “I really like what we have.” He emphasized the present tense. “There’s no doubt there’s a knot here, but my sister’s right—you’re awesome. And I want to work through it and do whatever I can to help you see that.”

There was a moment of silence before Amber continued, “Hey, Spencer?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind holding me?”

He stood up, hobbling a bit as he put weight on his foot, and opened his arms. “Absolutely. I was dreading that I’d never hear you say that.” His voice choked a little as she entered his arms. This time, as his arms enfolded her, she felt a wave of calm and she squeezed him tight. This! This is what I’m supposed to feel when he puts his arms around me…

When Elise returned with a tray of steaming mugs and crackers a few minutes later, she came in to find her brother and Amber in a tight embrace, both with eyes closed and a look of peace on their faces. She smiled.

******

Amber and Spencer looked up as the smell of lavender permeated the room. Elise stepped over to hand them each a mug. She took her own and put the tray down on an ottoman. Spencer carefully lowered himself down at the end of the couch and propped up his leg. Amber looked over at the chair she had been sitting in and then over at Spencer. She then sat down near him as Elise sat at the other end of the couch in the L-wing of the sectional.

Amber sat for a few moments collecting her thoughts. The mug was warm and the lavender scent coming off the steam helped ease her nerves despite the tumult in her stomach. She took a deep breath before starting. “So, I’m guessing the big question right now is what happened out by the pool and why I reacted so… poorly.” She took a sip of her tea, closing her eyes as the warm liquid went down her throat. “And I guess to know that, you need to know about Todd. But I think I should go back further.”

She looked up at the siblings and they both nodded. “Whatever you feel is best,” said Spencer, calmly. Amber reached over and took his hand and squeezed it.

“A little over three years ago, my mother died. She was running out to get some eggs because she was making a cake. Last thing my mother ever said to me was, ‘Be back soon. Turn the oven on to 350 in about 15 minutes.’ But she wasn’t back soon. She never came back due to a fucking drunk driver.” Amber spat out the final words and her eyes glistened. Spencer gave her hand a squeeze.

“Oh, Amber!” Elise exclaimed. “I am sorry. I… I understand how you feel.”

Amber sniffed. “Thanks. Spencer had mentioned how you lost your parents too. I still miss her, but I’m usually much better now. But… back then, I was a mess. My dad was absolutely devastated and, well, he’s not the greatest at handling strong emotions at the best of times. He had a lot of anger… not at me or anything like that, but he just clammed up and really got lost in his work. I know he regrets it now, but, well, sometimes people don’t always act the best.” She looked up at Spencer with a half-smile. “The last couple of days have been a case in point.

“I was having a really hard time with it too. I’ve always been a good student, but I was really struggling. I started wondering what was the point if life was just going to be ripped away from you at any moment. I also started regretting my quiet, introverted nature and was envious of the fun that Kat always seemed to have. Not that she was oblivious to what happened—I mean just more of her life in general.

“About nine months after Mom died, this guy came up to me at the library and started chatting and showing an interest in me. His name was Todd. He was one of those good-looking types who always seem to be so cocky and confident. Normally I didn’t care for guys like that. At first, I was kind of annoyed that he started talking to me at the library while I was studying, but he was just kind of persistent. But as I said, I was starting to really hate myself for always being so quiet and nerdy. And he… he just had this way about him, you know. And I ended up giggling despite my initial annoyance and he asked me out on a date.” Amber took several drinks of her tea and munched on a cracker before continuing.

“So we ended up going out several times over the next couple of weeks. I was actually having happy moments for the first time in what seemed like forever. I mean, I hadn’t ever really had a guy seem this interested in me before. Well, I did back in high school—a friend who was just as shy and nerdy as I was and it was very awkward. But Todd seemed to know what to say to make me feel beautiful and he’d spare no expense in going out. Not that I’m so shallow as to be taken in by a fancy car and nice dinner, but it felt new and interesting and nice to have that attention.

“Well, it didn’t take long before things got… more physical.” Amber blushed. “Um, we’d kissed, but he wanted to take it to another level. We started messing around. We didn’t go all the way, though I know he wanted to. But we… Sorry, this is awkward to talk about.”

Spencer took her hand in his again. “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it. I think we get the idea. Just share whatever you want and let us know if you want to stop.”

Amber looked back over to him and smiled. God, how is he so understanding after this whole evening? And now I’m telling him my most embarrassing secrets. She took a deep breath. “Okay, well, you get the idea. I mean, I’m not going to deny that it felt good to be wanted… to be desired. But anyway, after about three or four weeks of dating, he invited me to this party at some friend’s place. It was supposed to be this big thing up at some fancy house. All the cool kids would be there, yadda yadda. Told me to dress in something ‘hot’… that’s the word he used. Wouldn’t take no for an answer when I said big parties weren’t really my thing. Told me I was just crawling back into my introverted shell and if I wanted to be cool, I had to ‘put in a little effort’—that’s how he talked.”

Elise snorted and rolled her eyes. “I am familiar with men like this.”

Amber looked at her. “I know, it’s embarrassing to tell it now because it just makes me look like this stupid, naive girl. But, I guess, to be honest, I was naive. And what he said made a sort of sense—if you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got. I’d always done nothing and always got nothing. Plus, there was the whole thing about losing Mom and questioning the point of life. So I agreed to go to try and shake things up. I went out and bought a nice dress and… other things.” She felt her cheeks burning and wouldn’t look Spencer in the eye. He was still holding her hand, his thumb slowly tracing circles across the back of hers.

“So, fast forward to the party. I was pretty nervous while I was there. There were a ton of people—the kind of people you’d expect at some rich kid’s party. All talk about their fancy stuff, what country they last went to visit, disbelief that Macy was dating Stephen who was sooo beneath her. There was also a lot of music, dancing, and alcohol. I decided to partake in the latter. ‘Only live once!’ I said to myself. ‘Gotta shake things up.’

“Well, I overdid it. I’d never really had a lot of alcohol before and didn’t know my limits. I got pretty wasted. My memory is really, really shitty about it all, but…” Amber stopped somewhat abruptly. She felt her breath becoming tense and her hands had a slight tremble to them. She had to take a few deep breaths to get her voice under control enough to continue. “Well, there was a video from someone’s phone. I saw it later, so that’s how I know what happened. I’ll explain how I saw it in a minute. But apparently, the alcohol lowered my inhibitions quite a bit and I was all over Todd and pretty vocal about what I wanted to do to him and have him do to me. Apparently, I didn’t care that I was belting it out in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know. At least, I was right up until I lost my balance and fell into the pool. I do remember that part. Everyone thought it was hilarious and they were all laughing at me, hooting and cat-calling. Someone even yelled out that the water made my dress look even hotter. Well, Todd gets me out of the pool and puts his arm around me, and mockingly tells everyone ‘Well it looks like someone decided to take a swim without me’. He got everyone laughing with him before telling them he’d better get me inside. That’s all in the video too.”

Amber felt Spencer tense up next to her. “Oh, Amber! It all makes sense now. I am so sorry. I was just teasing when I hugged you down by the pool and said that. I had no idea you had fallen in and certainly didn’t know about your past. It’s like I triggered a flashback or something.”

She looked up at his pained expression. “It’s okay. You couldn’t possibly have known. I think you’re right, though. The nerves I was feeling, the swimming pool, falling in. These memories have been buried for a while now. I thought that meant I’d moved on with my life, but…” She shrugged. “And as for you, normally I think I’d like having your arms around me.”

Spencer adjusted how he was sitting and opened his arms up. She leaned against him, wrapping his arms around her like a protective shield, and closed her eyes. “Thank you,” she whispered. She just sat there for a few minutes, breathing in time with the rise and fall of Spencer’s chest.

“Amber? Have you shared as much as you wish?” Elise asked from where she sat. “You had mentioned something about a video, but I don’t want to push it if you aren’t ready.”

Amber opened her eyes and looked over. “No. Sorry, I was just reenergizing. Especially since this next part is the hardest and most embarrassing.” Her voice was shaky as she looked up to the ceiling, trying to blink tears out of her eyes.

Spencer gave her a squeeze and Elise waited patiently, but her eyes had a harder edge to them as if she was familiar with this topic.

“Well, after we went inside, I don’t entirely know what all happened. The video ended at that point and my memory was well and truly smashed. I vaguely recall being escorted into a bedroom and Todd taking off my dress because it was soaked. I remember not caring and still being really damn horny and telling him I was just going to ‘break outta my shell and put in a little effort‘ just like he wanted and… well, that’s about where the memory ends. Well, that and some serious groping and making out. Despite his comments out on the pool deck, he certainly didn’t seem to mind my tongue down his throat and my hand down his pants.”

Amber’s breath started to become tight and she had to stop and take some slow breaths to try and calm down. Spencer could feel her trembling in his arms. “My next memory is waking up at like four in the morning, nude on the bed. I know we had sex, though I don’t exactly remember it. I was really… sore and felt weird and groggy… and used. Todd wasn’t around anywhere. I had to put on my wet clothes and find my way out of the house. Only one person was awake—some chick—and all she did was smirk. Todd’s car wasn’t anywhere around and I had to call an Uber. Talk about a walk of shame. Thank God my dad was out on an overnight repair and he wasn’t home to see me when I arrived.” Amber shuddered at the thought. Else frowned.

“Well, I just chalked the whole thing up to being drunk, though I was kind of pissed at Todd for leaving me there. I ended up calling him, but he didn’t pick up. At first, I figured he was just sleeping late or something. But he started ghosting me and never returned any of my calls. I finally ran into him purely by chance about two weeks later. He was with a bunch of his friends going into the movie theater at the mall. When I called out to him and caught up, he was really cold towards me. Didn’t ask how I was or anything, just said, ‘What?’ When I asked why he hadn’t been returning my calls or anything, he…” Amber’s voice cracked. “… he said, ‘I don’t date whores.’ I felt like I’d just been slapped. His friends laughed, one flicked his tongue in and out towards me, and then they all turned around and went inside the theater high-fiving Todd as if he’d just delivered an Oscar-worthy performance. I was so embarrassed. Some people nearby had heard what he said and were staring. I just left as fast as I could.”

Amber had to stop for the moment, her breath shuddering at the memory. Spencer just held her close. “What a prick,” he muttered.

“There’s more,” Amber whispered. She sat back up so that she could have another cracker, but still held Spencer’s hand. She chewed for a moment, figuring out what to say next. “So I started trying to figure out where he lived. Only, I didn’t have his address or anything. I suspect he may have given me a fake last name too because I couldn’t find anything about him. Yeah, stupid. I was messing around with a guy who I hadn’t really checked out, but I think part of that was the wild side, the breaking out. Now, of course, I realize it was just dumb. All I had was his phone and email address. So I’d call and email and try to get him to tell me what he was talking about. Eventually, I got one text response. It had the phone video attached—I guess someone must have sent it to him. His text said ‘Not only are you a slut, you’re clueless too. Leave me alone, but hey, even dumb girls can try to fuck their way through life to get what they need.'”

“Kat was over when I got it. She had known that I was dating someone, of course, and had been happy earlier on. She also knew that I’d been really down the past few days and had guessed we’d broken up, but I had been too embarrassed to tell her the details. I had just told her that it didn’t work out. But this was the last straw and I told her everything. She was pretty fucking furious, but there wasn’t a lot we could do. At least I had her for emotional support. I don’t know what I would have done without her.” Amber smiled at the thought of how deep her friendship with Kat had grown over the years.

“So, anyway, time goes by. I realized that I had probably been played and was nothing more than a conquest for him. We’d had sex and there was nothing I could do to change it, so I just tried to focus on getting my life back together. My dad knew that something was wrong and I had to just explain that my boyfriend had broken up with me. Between the sudden loss of Mom, the guilt of losing sight of how I was doing, and then witnessing the emotional pain I was in… well, he became super protective. So now I have that to deal with. I love him, but he can be really damn stubborn.

“Then one day, a few months later, I get this letter in the mail. I don’t recognize the handwriting or anything. When I open it up, it’s a letter addressed to me by this guy named Chris. I vaguely recalled him being one of Todd’s friends. The letter is an apology letter.”

Amber stopped again. Spencer could feel her squeezing his hand tight. “Do you want to stop?” he whispered in her ear.

“Yes. No.” She took a deep breath. “I have to get this out. I’m almost done. Please hold me. This part is really, really embarrassing.” He wrapped his arm around her again as if to give her some of his strength.

You can do this, Amber, just get it out so they know. “So, this letter… well, in it Chris says that Todd meeting me in the library was all part of a bet—something akin to ‘how fast and far can Todd nail the nerdy girl?’ It then went on to say that on the night of the party, he was one of several guys that… that… visited… with me. Apparently, I was… popular… and making statements about how if I was going to ‘break out of my shell’, I was ‘going to go supernova’.”