I need to say a big thank you to Randi, who helped convert this rambling chaotic monstrosity into a story. How she manages to untangle my scribbles, always amazes me.
Kalvin my husband, stumbled ashen faced into the living room. His eyes vacant.
Frightened, I asked, “What’s the problem sweetheart, you look terrible.”
He raised his phone, to indicate he had received a call, adding, “I just got a call from Leo.” He flopped down on the sofa beside me.
“Is he okay?” I asked nervously.
He didn’t answer, just sat staring into space as if he hadn’t heard me. “Kalvin, you’re scaring me. Is everything all right?”
He turned slowly. “No, no it’s not. He’s ill.”
Starting to feel a little panicky myself. I asked, “What do you mean ill?”
He reached for my hand. Gripping it tightly, his words stalled as he spoke. “He has a brain tumour, and it’s bad.”
I raised my other hand to cover my shock. Being a nurse I understood what this meant. “How bad?”
“They have given him six months at best.”
“What!” Now I was shocked, I felt the blood drain from my face.
Kalvin stared at me, empty, catatonic. I squeezed his hand. “Where is he?”
“Apparently, he’s at the batch.”
“By himself? God, that’s not a good idea, Hon.”
“No, I agree. I’m going up there. He can’t be left by himself.”
I nodded in agreement. “Yes, that’s a good idea, Hon. When are you leaving?”
He looked down at his watch. “Now, I’m going now. I can sort work and other stuff out from up there. Jesus, Phoebe, six months.”
“Hon, it’ll be okay; there’s new treatments, medication, it might not be that bad. Medicine has moved forward a long way. There are so many new treatments.”
“Apparently, he has turned down treatment. He said he wants quality over quantity.”
“That’s ridiculous. You need to try and convince him.”
“I don’t know, Hon, he sounded pretty adamant, although he did sound lost.”
“I’ll get a bag packed. How long are you going for?”
“Plan on a week, but we’ll take it as we find it.” He leaned over and wrapped me in his gloriously strong arms. I always felt safe and comfortable in his arms.
We rushed through packing his bag and before I knew it, I was waving goodbye as he sped off in his work truck.
As I walked back inside the concern and worry crept in. Poor Leo. I met Leo when I met my husband. They were best mates. I was a nursing student studying at Dunedin university. Kal and I met, as everybody does, at a pub. The Bats were playing and the place was packed. I was with a bunch of other nurses when he barged in, beer in hand, sending me flying.
Helping me up from the floor, he apologised without being able to mask his laughter. “Sorry, are you okay?”
As I dusted myself off. Not a very ladylike position spread-eagled on the floor of a pub full of students, I said, “Christ watch where you’re bloody well going next time aye.”
“Sorry, Doll, but, you were standing in the doorway.”
“We were waiting for friends.”
“Yeah, okay, my fault. Let me buy you a drink.”
I handed him my now empty glass. “Bacardi and coke please.”
I turned back to my friends who were all laughing. “Cor, Phoebe, he’s a bit of all right.”
“Fucking clumsy, that’s what he is.”
Emily piped up loudly, “Well if you don’t want him babe, step back because I bloody do.”
The others all laughed.
That was my introduction to my spunk husband. Kalvin, or as I called him, Kal. When we started dating, it didn’t take long to meet his best mate and lifelong friend Leo. Kal was the quiet one, really. Well, not quiet but more reserved. Leo was the boisterous party animal. He was a student, as well studying business. Kal was an apprentice carpenter. They were both Dunedin boys. I was an Aucklander. Not a match made in heaven, not at first, but it didn’t take me long to figure out Kal was the man for me. He was special: good natured, hard working and yet still fun.
Separating him from Leo was the hard part. They were best mates and I mean best. They did everything together: played for the same rugby team. shared flats, cars. They were worse than my girlfriends.
Leo was best man at our wedding. Kal, returned the favour. Leo was the high flier. He joined his father’s property development firm, and his career took off.
Kal was the opposite: he focused on his building career, and thankfully, me.
Leo, on the other hand, liked the high life, parties, lots of girlfriends.
Kal and I found a nice house, and once I started work at the hospital, we were able to save enough to buy our first house.
It was Leo’s dad who helped us with the deposit.
After Leo’s first marriage broke down he decided he had enough of Dunedin and moved to Auckland to make his own mark on the world.
His first wife, Chloe, caught him having an affair and divorced him. Their relationship was so toxic. He decided that he was going to get the hell out. It was the first time I saw Kal and Leo fall out. Chloe had barely delivered their son, Jacob. Kal was pissed off that Leo wasn’t going to stick around to help out his son. Kal felt like Leo had abandoned his family, and that did not sit well with him.
It took several years before they reconnected. That turned out to be his second wedding. If nothing else, it got the terrible twosome back together.
Their big thing was their love of rugby. They were both huge Highlanders fans, and Leo brought them both season tickets. Yeah, money was tight in our household, but not for Leo, he enjoyed splashing the cash, and to a certain degree, rubbing it in Kal’s face. Not in a nasty way, but he did like to let Kal know.
Leo’s second wife, Katherine, was the glue that helped reunite Leo with his son Jacob.
Leo’s family had a holiday home, slash batch, at Stephens Bay in Tasman Bay. It wasn’t anything flash or expensive, just a small three bedroom batch. School holidays and Christmas, Katherine made a point of ensuring Leo collected Jacob and taking them to Stephens Bay. Most times we got dragged along, as well. Katherine and I actually managed to become good friends.
We often sat on the beach watching Leo, Jacob and Kal, out in the dinghy setting nets fishing and just generally clowning around. “Look at those two idiots,” she used to quip. We sat with out glasses of wine relaxing, enjoying the sun. They were great days, especially after our daughter Drew was born. They became real family holidays for us all.
What I did notice, though, was that by the seventh year things were cooling between them. There was a gap opening.
Leo and Kath flew down for a weekend visit. The boys never missed a Highlanders/Crusaders clash.
Anyway, while they were off at their game. I organised a girls’ night out. I invited some of my friends from the hospital and we went out on the town. God it was a fun night, more like a hens’ night than a girls’ night. We all got seriously trashed.
When we got home, we opened another bottle of wine and sat in the lounge. It was then,that Kath opened up. “Phoebe, Bloody Leo is driving me crazy. He goes off with his mates all the time. I want a family and he doesn’t. It pisses me off.”
“Hey, sweets, he’ll come around. Just do it.”
“Do what?”
Well, stop taking the pill, don’t tell him. Once you’re pregnant he’ll get over it.”
“God no, he would freak. He is adamant he doesn’t want any more kids. I love Jacob, but I want kids of my own.”
“Wow, so what are you going to do?”
She gave me a funny look. “I’ve met somebody else.”
“Oh my god. Do you mean as in another fella?”
“Yes, exactly. He’s lovely.”
“Oh, honey, that’s going to kill Leo. He will be broken arsed.”
“Well, it’s his own fault. He goes off with his mates. If it’s not motor racing, it’s the horses. Out drinking till all hours. He doesn’t care that I’m stuck at home by myself. Half the time I think he’s seeing other birds, anyway.”
“You think he’s cheating on you?”
“Yeah, he does have a track record.”
“Yeah, but Hon, he loves you. Kal and I both see it.”
“I think he does in his own way, but I think he just likes to have his cake and eat it, too.”
“No sweets, you’re wrong. He wouldn’t do that.”
We drank our wine and she said, “I am so close to leaving him.”
Just then the boys barged in, arm in arm singing and falling all over each other. Leo stumbled drunkenly over and fell into Katherine’s lap. “Hey babe, feeling horny?”
She pushed him off onto the floor. “Piss off, Leo.”
Kal stumbled over and flopped beside me. “Hey sweets. Do I get a kiss?”
I loved him when he was like this. Usually he is a bit straight and maybe a bit too rigid, but after a few drinks he is so funny and loveable.
We had a great night, but I’m not sure Kath and Leo’s was so good.
It was about eight months later when Leo called with the bad news. He was drunk when Kal answered the phone. “The cheating slut’s left me, mate. She fucked off with some fucking knob from the gym.”
I heard the whole conversation. Kal was distraught and invited Leo down for the weekend.
Leo always had some scheme he wanted a hand with. He dragged Kalvin all over the country on stupid boys’ trips. I have to say, at first I was a bit nervous, after what Katherine said about Leo, I wondered exactly what did they get up to on those bloody trips?
Kal, however, was a different man. There was never any doubt in my mind that he loved me.
So here we were, our daughter Drew off at University in Wellington studying Psychology.
Kal called about eight thirty that night. “Hi, Hon. I made it.”
“How’s Leo?”
“Not so good. Wow, I have never seen him like this. He is depressed. I mean he looks okay. On the outside you would never know.”
“Okay, Sweets, you have to try to get him to consider treatment, okay? Try to enjoy your stay, but do your best to get him to consider treatment.”
Kal stayed till Wednesday the next week. He had a big job he had to be there for. That night as we sat down to dinner he said, “I want us both to go up this weekend. Can you get time off work?”
“Shit, short notice, but I’ll try. How many days?”
“I don’t know, Hon. It takes a day to drive up, the same back. We need to be gone for at least five or six days to make it worth while.”
I nodded. “When do you want to go?”
“Friday morning.”
It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get the time off. I had plenty of leave, but we were short staffed.
Friday, we headed away. We pulled into his driveway about nine that night. When he saw me he broke into tears and we hugged like never before.
“Thanks for coming, Phoebe. Christ, it’s so good to see you.”
“You too, Leo, how are you feeling?”
“I feel okay physically, mentally I feel a bit shot.”
As I released him, he opened his arms and Kal fell into a big man hug. Leo let go, walked to the fridge and came back in carrying drinks. They had their beers and I threw back my wine. The boys started relating stories of old, laughing and carrying on. About an hour later, Leo pulled out a packet and fired up a big doobie.
Surprisingly, Kal took a big hit before passing it to me. “No thanks.” I was a bit shocked to see Kal smoking. We hadn’t done so since our twenties. Here we are in our forties. I didn’t care, I mean I wasn’t against pot, in fact I had always enjoyed it, but we had sort of moved away from it.
Kal gave me a nervous look. “Hon, it helps with Leo’s pain management.”
“Yeah, I understand, maybe later for me.”
They carried on with their beers. We listened to some music, but Leo looked terrible. Not in pain, there was no signs of illness. He just looked defeated, empty. His happy go lucky demeanour crushed. Like life itself had been squeezed out of him.
We all went to bed, Kal and I tucked up in the spare room and he was in a horny mood. We were barely in bed when he started trying to work his way under my PJ’s. It seemed wrong, but he wasn’t going to be denied, and really I didn’t want to say no. I loved it when he was like that.
We made love with the crazed passion of teenagers.
In the morning, Leo got up late and he enjoyed having us on about the previous night. “Jesus, you two were fucking noisy last night.”
Kal sniped back, “You’re just jealous.”
“You’re damn right I’m jealous. You’re sleeping on your own tonight, Bro.”
“Like hell he is.” I snapped. I didn’t mean it to sound nasty, but it was curt.
Leo whined. “Don’t you love me any more?”
Kal gave him a gentle shove. “Leave it out, mate.”
He shrugged. “Sorry, guys. It was only a joke.”
I walked away to get Leo some breakfast. He looked at it and pushed his plate away. “No thanks, Phoebe. Not hungry.”
I pushed his plate back in front of him. Standing staring down at him arms on hips I snapped. “Listen, Leo, if you’re going to be drinking today, you will need food. So eat up. Don’t make me spoon feed you.”
He gave me a grim stare. “You know I’m dying, right?”
“Oh, don’t play that card with me, Leo. I’m a nurse. I’ve seen hundreds of patients die. Now eat your damn food.”
He gave a snide laugh. “Fuck, you can’t be much of a nurse if all your patients are dying.” Kal joined him and they chuckled away like a couple of crazy Keas.
He did eat his eggs and Kal gave me a complicit grin.
We all went for a walk down on the beach, it was one of those grey overcast days. Not raining but dreary. We walked with me in the middle and holding both their hands as we walked.
At low tide there was enough room to walk around the rocks and there was a little bay we laid back on, to soak up the warm sun. “Life’s fucked,” Leo grumbled moodily.
Kal pulled him into a hug as he broke down and bawled. I had never seen him cry, never envisioned it. Leo was a big guy. Physically very imposing, tall, muscular and I suppose in a way very handsome. Watching him in Kal’s arms bawling his eyes out was heartbreaking. I heard Kal crying, as well, which was something I had never seen. He kept his face looking the other way so I couldn’t see.
When they parted, I climbed over Kal and hugged Leo as well. We rocked back and forth as his tears wet my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Leo, what can we do?”
When we separated he replied, “If you could ring the family and talk to them, I would appreciate that.”
Surprised, I muttered, “What, you haven’t told them.”
He shook his head slowly. “No, at the moment you’re the only ones who know.”
His parents were now both dead. He had no brothers or sisters. No direct family. But maybe Chloe, or even Katherine might be able to help.
We walked back to the batch and I grabbed his phone. I went out to the deck with my wine and started ringing around.
Chloe was a real bitch. Okay, we were never close, but I didn’t expect her anger.
“Oh well, maybe it’s payback. They say Karma’s a bitch.” She was obviously not going to be any help.
Next was Katherine. When I told her she broke into tears. “Oh my god, is he all right?”
“Yeah, Hon, he’s holding up okay under the circumstances. I thought you might like to come and visit, say hi.”
“I would love to, but we are in Argentina. My husband Mike is running a training programme over here for local dairy farmers. I won’t be back for another nine months or so. We have only been here two months.”
We talked a little more, she was sad and upset but unable to get back.
The next call was difficult, Jacob, Leo’s son. They may not have been incredibly close, but Leo was funding his stay in London while he did some post-graduate studies.
He answered sleepily. Bugger, I hadn’t allowed for daylight saving. “Hello, Jacob, this is Phoebe, I have some news for you. Are you alone?”
“Yes,” He croaked sleepily. “What is this about exactly?”
“It’s about your Dad. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but he is sick. Very sick, he has a tumour on his brain.”
“Oh shit, is it bad? I mean is he all right?” I pictured in my head that he sat up, ear glued to the phone.
He sounded anxious. “Jacob, he is okay at the moment, but the prognosis isn’t good. I’m afraid it’s terminal.”
“Terminal!” he spluttered, “Is he in hospital? Why didn’t he call me?”
“No, he’s not in hospital. He is still okay at the moment. He has been given six months.”
“Oh shit, bugger.” He groaned. “Six month’s, shit is that all?”
“Yes, that’s all I’m afraid, Hon. The reason he didn’t call you himself is he didn’t want people to worry, but I didn’t think that was fair. Sorry to ask like this, but can you come home now?”
“Oh god, I don’t know. I can try.”
“Jacob, we don’t know how quickly he will go downhill. If you want some quality time with him, then I suggest you come now.”
“Yes, of course. Bloody hell, the old man. He’s as tough as nails. I don’t understand.”
“It’s a terrible disease, Honey. Totally indiscriminate. He needs you, he’s not in a good way. He would hate me saying that to you, but it’s the truth.”
“Yes, I understand. I can only imagine what it would be like. Can you text me your number. I will stay in touch with travel plans.”
When I went back inside the boys had beers, feet up relaxing on the sofa. Music wafted through the house. As I walked past them I kicked their feet off the coffee table, growling, “Go get the barbecue cleaned down. We’re having steak for dinner.”
Kal sniggered. “Fuck, we just sat down.”
“Yeah, well now you can just get up.” He gave me a sad poor boy look, but did as I asked. He went outside to clean and fire up the barbecue.
The next day, Jacob called me to explain he was flying out that day. He would be at the batch in three days.
I had to go back home. Work was going to be impossible. We were so short staffed at the hospital.
Kal, stayed on to help out. It was obvious, even though Leo said he didn’t want any help, that he loved having us around. Especially Kal. They were closer than brothers.
Jacob was only able to stay for two weeks. I knew it was a tough visit; as difficult as their relationship was. Jacob loved his father. That was obvious by a couple of calls I shared.
It was the week after Jacob went back to the UK when Kal rang. He sounded stressed. “Any chance you could get another few days off?”
“Probably, what’s going on?”
“I have to come back. There are some real issues with work that I need to deal with.”
“Why do I need time off?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea for Leo to be left alone at the moment. He has said some silly shit lately. I tried some other friends, and they are going to drop in, but nobody can stay with him. Not all the time.”
“You want me to go up and stay with him?”
“Yeah, if you could. I don’t know what to say. The poor bastard needs our help. I need to warn you, though. He’s pretty down at the moment. He cries a lot and it’s difficult to deal with. Well, it is for me.”
“Okay, I’ll try to get some time off. No promises, though.”
My boss was understanding. It took a day, but I jumped in the car and headed away. Kal met me at the door. He looked tired, his eyes were red and bloodshot. “Thank god you’re here,” he whispered as we hugged.
I spotted Leo sitting on the sofa. He smiled, but it was forced. I walked over, he stood slowly and we hugged. I felt his body shudder as he sobbed onto my shoulder. We stood swaying, rocking slowly until he had regathered his senses. “I’ll just go and put my bags away,” I mumbled as I gave Kal a questioning glance.
He followed me into the bedroom where we fell into a passionate hug. “Sorry to do this to you, Hon, it’s just, well, I didn’t think he should be alone.”
“It’s okay, Love. You know he is my friend, as well.”
“Yeah, but this isn’t much fun. He cries a lot and says shit about life not being worthwhile anymore.”
“What about while Jacob was here?”
“He was better. It’s such a shame he couldn’t stay, but at least Jacob got to spend time with him while he was still lucid and able to talk. I think they both appreciated that. He is going to try and come back in a month or so.”
We fell onto the bed, his lips crushing mine. “God I have missed you,” he whispered.
His hard body pressed against me making me aware of his needs. “Babe, shut the door.”
He laughed as he stood up quickly to lock it.
We stripped like we prepared for a marathon. It was far from that. Our lovemaking was torrid, urgent and over far to quickly for me. Kal finishing in a wild grinding muted scream.
I felt him, explosive and powerful, his need intense.
It was too rushed for me, I enjoyed it, but the pace was to hurried.
We dressed quickly and walked back out into the living area. Leo shook his head in a little chuckle. “You horny buggers.”
I blushed and asked, “Have you boy’s eaten yet?” Trying to deflect the conversation.
Kal nodded, adding. “Hon, I have to go. I need to be back home tomorrow.”
Shocked, I said, “You can’t drive overnight. You’ll be exhausted. It’s too dangerous.”
“No, I have to go. This is important, Hon. I have to go.”
He already had his bags packed. There were final hugs all around before he jumped in his truck and drove off.
I did some tidying up, Leo just sat there unmoving. It was so hard watching him. He had such a sad expression etched into his face. He looked like he was just waiting to die.
I made a decision, there was still sunlight. I grabbed his arm. “Come on, lazy bones. Let’s go for a walk on the beach.”
He wasn’t keen, his full weight pulled against me. “Come on, Leo, don’t make me go by myself.”
He sighed deeply and he pushed himself off as I dragged him to the door.
As we walked down to the beach, I lifted his arm over my shoulder and nestled in under his armpit. God he was still an imposing figure: big, burly, my shoulder actually only reached to his armpit.
As we walked I asked, “How are you feeling, Hon?”
He sighed. “I don’t know, Phoebe, physically I am okay. A headache, most times, but it is knowing that it’s all over, that there’s nothing I can do. I feel like I am just waiting for the axe to fall.”
“You can’t do that, Hon. Let’s go into town for dinner tonight. My shout.”
“Like hell, if we’re going out then I’m paying. I have never in my life let a woman pay when we go out on a date.”
I laughed. “A date, huh? Okay then, but we’re not going out with you looking like that. You need a shower, and a shave.”
He laughed and I felt his arm tighten around me. We paddled our feet in the water before the sun got low in the sky.
There was a little more bounce in his step as we walked back to the batch.
He went in and showered. As I waited for my turn, I unpacked my bags. I needed a shower as well. He walked out wrapped in a towel and I slipped into the bathroom for mine. I took special care with my makeup. I asked him to tidy up, the least I could do is pay him the same respect.
I didn’t come prepared for going out, just clean jeans and a nice top.
He gave me a wolf whistle as I walked out, which made me blush. Nice to be appreciated.
“You look pretty good yourself,” I whispered.
As we walked out I went to pick up my car keys but he said, “No, if we’re going out, we’re taking the Triumph.”
I shrugged as he went out and got the TR6 out of the shed. I heard the snarling growl as he backed out.
He had the top down and the bright red paintwork shone in the late evening sun.
I jumped in and we headed into town. As we wound around the tight corners, I watched as he slipped the car easily through the gears. The engine was snarling as he ducked into the bends. This was more like the man I remembered. His face beamed. It was a bit scary, but seeing that smile made it all worthwhile. He was in heaven.
I turned up the stereo loud so he couldn’t hear my knees knocking. We were in town in no time flat. There wasn’t much in Motueka. It’s a small town, really only one choice to eat. We had a few drinks and we talked a little. I kept it light, not wanting to spoil his night.
Back at the batch he pulled out a joint and sparked it up. I took a hit and it went back and forth. “Does the pot help?”
He nodded. “Yeah, it takes the edge off.”
I nodded as he passed it back. I laughed aloud. “God this takes me back. Remember when we were young?”
He nodded, as well. “Yeah, god it seems like such a long time ago.”
He got up and poured us a drink. He poured me a vodka and orange. Phew, my head was reeling. The smoke and the drinks. Shit, if this is how their nights had been going, no wonder Kal looked so worn out. He wasn’t much of a drinker these days.
It was well after midnight before we headed off to bed. I climbed into bed and snuggled drunkenly under the duvet. If only my head would stop spinning. As I lay there, I heard him: he was obviously trying to muffle it, but his sobs sounded so painful, agonisingly pathetic. I wanted to go in and comfort him, hold him in my arms.
Waking in the morning, I decided we needed to get out of the house. The look on Leo’s face yesterday while we drove into town was such a change. When he rose, I said, “Come on you, let’s go for a drive today.”
Confused, he replied, “Where do you want to go?”
“What about Takaka? I haven’t been over there for years.”
He nodded, “Yeah, okay. You’re right, I haven’t either.
He backed the car out and we hit the road. I was a bit frightened. The Takaka hill is steep and the corners tight. Leo soon had us sweeping through the bends, not as fast as yesterday. I think he was aware of the affect the speed had on me. He drove with purpose and determination, the car responding to his input.
I turned the radio up and sang along with songs that I knew. Leo’s beaming face got brighter as he joined in and we were both singing loudly. Wildly out of tune, our heads back, singing our hearts out. Driving into Takaka was like going back in time. It had been many years since we came over here. In fact, the last time Leo was still married to Katherine.
He gave me a beaming smile as he said, “What about the Mussel Inn for lunch?”
It was a fabulous little cafe on the road out to Collingwood. The food was great, the wine was good. It was pleasant as we sat across from each other and he reminisced about the last time he was there. Some girl he was dating and trying to impress.
Back in the car we sped westwards out to Collingwood, where we drove down to the beach and paddled our feet, skipped some stones and just lazed around in the sun.
As we walked back to the car he moaned. “Would you mind driving? I have a killer headache.” He threw me the keys and climbed into the passenger seat.
I had never driven the TR6 before. It was his toy and it was one he didn’t share. I don’t think even Kal had driven it.
He talked me through the hows and what have yous as we rode back towards home. Not as smoothly as when Leo drove, but I slowly got the hang of it. By the time we got to the hill, I was into it, changing gears with authority, snapping the engine forcefully pushing it into the bends.
Leo laughed as he lit up a joint. “You’re loving that, aren’t you?”
I smiled as I down shifted and put the pedal to the metal, drifting the tail out around a really tight bend. “Oh god, Leo, it’s fucking awesome.”
He nodded. “Yeah, she’s good fun.”
He passed me the joint and we turned the music up a bit. He reclined back in his seat and closed his eyes as we sped over the hill.
Back home, he took some pain killers, had a couple of glasses of whiskey as I prepared dinner.
He sure was drinking and smoking a lot of weed, but I guess, with only months to live, who was I to judge? If it made life more bearable, then more power to him.
Over dinner, he poured us both a couple of vodkas and we chilled out a little. I could see he was feeling melancholy, wistful. I asked, “Leo, this might not be a good time, but what do you want to do?”
He gave me a sad look. “I don’t know, curl up and die?”
“No, Hon, be serious with me. What about all the legal stuff, your property, all that stuff?”
“Shit, not tonight, Phoebe. Tonight I feel pretty good. Let’s leave that for another day.”
I cleaned up as he sat on the sofa in the living room and flicked the remote for the stereo. His musical tastes were so closely aligned with mine. I collected my third vodka and sat beside him. I curled my legs up under me and leaned my head on his shoulder.
His arm slipped over my shoulder, not in a creepy way, but warm and comforting. Leo and I had always got on well together. Our relationship was like family. As we sang along with Pink Floyd, he whispered, “You were always the dancer, I remember you dancing all the time.”
I nodded, accepting his words. Yes, I did love to dance. In whim, I threw back my vodka in one long gulp, stood and pulled him up. “Dance with me.”
He slowly stood and slid easily into my arms. We sort of circled in a little spiral as our bodies melded together.
We both hummed the words quietly as we swayed. It felt nice in his arms. He was a big cuddly bear. A giant, really. Compared to Kal, he was enormous.
I rested my head on his chest, we slow danced along with “Shine On You Crazy Diamond.” We even slow danced to “Money.”
Hearing him humming and singing along gave me a strong feeling of warmth. He was enjoying it, there were no tears.
The album finished too quickly, and as we walked back to the sofa, he said softly, gently, “Thanks for being here, Phoebe. It means a hell of a lot to me. You really are my best friends, you and Kal.”
Kal’s name gave me a little shiver. I hoped he was all right. I hadn’t heard from him since he left.
“Leo, could you get me another vodka. I’m going to call Kal.”
He walked of to get the drinks and I called Kal. He apologised before I could get words out. “Sorry, Babe. Jesus. Work has been bloody hard. I have had issue after issue. Sorry I didn’t call earlier.”
“Na, it’s okay, Hon, I was just worried.”
“How’s the patient?”
“He’s getting me a vodka, right about now.”
“You sound like you’ve had enough already?” he joked.
I tittered a little. “Yeah, he is a bad influence on me, that boy.”
He let the conversation hang for a minute before asking. “How are you doing, Hon?”
“I’m going okay. Leo is a bit teary, we go from smiling to crying pretty quick.”
“Yeah, I got that as well. Look, how long do you think you can hang in there? I really have to focus on work for a bit.”
“I can stick it out to next Sunday, but I have to get back, as well.”
“Alrighty, I will try to get up the Friday before that.”
“Thanks, Babe, Leo misses you. Apparently I’m not a big enough lush for him.”
That night listening to Leo’s sobs got to me. It was ripping my heart out listening to him. I sneaked into his room, pulled back his blankets and snuggled up behind him.
“What are you doing, Phoebe?”
“Shush, I needed a cuddle.”
I wrapped my arms around him and spooned up nice and tight. “Thanks,” was all he said.
We tossed and turned a bit during the night and when we woke in the morning he was spooned up behind me, my head on his arm, the other draped lazily around my waist. Feeling his hot heavy breath on my neck sent shivers down my spine. I tingled all over. “God, it was one of my favourite things with Kal: snuggling and waking like this.
I felt guilty. My heart pounded. My face was red with shame. This was wrong, to be snuggled up like this was so wrong.
I turned my head and looked back at him. He looked so peaceful.
I slipped out from under his arm and went out to the kitchen to make breakfast. It was nearly an hour before he rose. We glanced uncomfortably at each other. I watched as he poured himself coffee.
“Are you all right, Phoebe? I mean, last night.”
“We didn’t do anything wrong, Leo, it was just a cuddle. I needed that. I miss Kal.”
As we swanned around the house it was a bit tense. “Come on, lets go for a walk,” I blustered. He didn’t seem that enthusiastic, but I grabbed his hand and dragged him out the door.
We walked hand in hand, me swinging our arms crazily as we walked down to the beach. We continued around the rocky outcrop. We had to walk out to our waists in the cool water to get to little Kaiteriteri beach. There were people walking and playing. Leo looked a bit tired. “Do you want to go on?”
He nodded. “Yeah, what, you think I am old and weak or something?”
I laughed, shaking my head at his obstinate retort. We again walked around the point into Kaiteriteri. The tide was coming in and we were left standing on the edge of the rocky outcrop. We emerged on the rocks, staring across the inlet to the beach. Looking at each other I muttered. “We will have to swim?”
I pulled of my T-shirt, he shook his head and grumbled. “Fuck.” He lifted off his T-shirt, as well, and wandered out into the water with his T-shirt held up over his head.
Not to be outdone I followed him. As the water deepened I laid on my back and swam back-stroke with my T-shirt held up.
As we stood, saturated, on the other side. I snapped, “Christ, you’re trouble. We didn’t even bring towels.”
We walked up the beach towards the shop. “I need a drink, and ice cream.”
He nodded. “Yeah a drink would be nice.”
He looked a little frail. “Are you all right, Leo, you look pale.”
“Fuck off, don’t treat me like an old man, Phoebes. I want to enjoy what time I have left. Being treated like an old invalid isn’t helping.”
I stopped and pulled him into a hug. “I’m sorry, Hon. I didn’t want to upset you. I was just worried.”
“Yeah, well worry less, and smile more. Now let’s get our arse to the shop.”
By the time we got to the shop we had dried off enough to pull our clothes back on.
We sat on the golden sands staring out at the waves gently crashing on the beach.
“Damn it’s beautiful here,” he said.
I reached across to garb his hand, squeezing tightly I whispered. “You’re not wrong sweets. It is lovely.”
He squeezed back. “Thank you.”
It was late when we got back home, and I could see the life draining a little from Leo. I made coffee and started working on dinner.
He decided coffee wasn’t going to cut it. Instead, he made us a couple of cocktails: tequila sunrises, big bright orange drinks. I realised now, when he started drinking the pain was setting in. We toasted and he sank his pretty quick.
When I glanced at him he said. “Go on, hurry up.”
“Like hell, I’ll be legless if I drink like that.”
I sipped mine as he made another. He was on his third by the time I was ready for my second.
We sat out on the little deck as we waited for dinner to cook. He sparked up a huge blunt and we passed it back and forth as we drank our drinks. He gave me a little glance. “Phoebes, please promise me you’ll look after Kal. I know he loves you so much, and he’s my Bro.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked. “Shit, Leo, I love that man with all my heart.”
“Yeah, I know, I’m not going to be around to help you guys celebrate your golden wedding anniversary. I just want you to know how much I love that guy.”
“Hon, I love him as well, and I love you just as much. You’re the big brother I never had. I do love you, as well. You’ve always been there for us.”
“That’s what family does, right?”
We finished our drinks and I called him in for dinner.
It was such an awesome night that we went back outside and he made us more cocktails and we got a blanket and curled up on the big cane sofa thingy on the deck. We watched the stars, smoked another doobie and fell asleep in each others arms out on the deck.
I woke up about three AM, it was cold, even with the blanket. I had to wake Leo and drag him inside. I tucked him into his bed and as I went to walk away he held up the blanket. “Please don’t go.”
I slipped under the covers and snuggled against him. His croaky snores soon serenaded us as we lay in each others arms. I was shocked as he snuggled behind me. He had a hard on and it dug into my bum as we lay together.
I knew he was asleep, and what he was dreaming of, I had no idea, but he was feeling horny.
God, he wasn’t the only one. I was feeling it, as well. I eventually fell asleep. There is lots to be said for being wrapped in the strong arms of a big man.
I woke earlier than Leo, his husky morning breath moist and damp on my neck.
He woke in a good mood and in some crazy hand waving said, “C’mon, let’s go.”
He went out and backed the TR6 out, and before I could argue, we were on our way. He drove, as always, with skill and determination. We stopped off in Mot for coffee before driving down to Nelson Lakes. It was a fun day, the drive fun, even although it was a bit cloudy and overcast, the mood was high. We sang along with the radio and I waved my arms crazily in the air. We argued over who was Thelma, and who was Louise.
That drive became our norm during the days. We drove all over the place. He always drove there and I drove back. He grew to trust and even enjoy my driving. He encouraged me to drive the car rather than just steer it. He changed my perspective and I grew to love driving, especially the TR6.
Our evenings were filled with music and love. We danced a little, we cuddled on the sofa as we listened. It was emotional. We found lots of things to talk about.
The second week I got a shock: my daughter Drew rang to ask if I could pick her up from the airport. She was coming for a visit.
When I rocked up in the TR6 she was shocked. “Jeez, Mum. How come Uncle Leo let you drive his baby?”
“He is feeling a little soft these days, Babe.”
I took the time to take in a long look at her. She looked sensational. How we managed to generate something so gorgeous astounded me. She was petite, with long swirling hair, big gooey eyes.
As we drove of with the snarling exhaust heralding our adieu, Drew gave a little squeal of delight.
Once underway she asked, “So how is Uncle Leo doing?”
I shrugged. “He is putting on a brave face, but he is in a bit of pain.”
She cringed. “He was always so tough.”
“He still is, sweets. But this thing is breaking him.”
She grabbed my hand as I changed gear. “How are you going, Mum?”
Lifting her hand to kiss it, I replied, “I’m okay. I feel for Leo. Sweets, you have to cut him some slack. He is drinking a fair bit at the moment. It’s his way of dealing with the pain. He has refused to have Chemo, or anything else.”
“God he’s a stubborn bugger.” She sighed.
“Sure is.”
When we pulled up at the batch, Drew jumped out of the car before it was fully stopped and ran inside, squealing like a girl.
When I walked in she was swinging from Leo’s arms as he twirled her around. “Uncle Leo.” She sighed. “It’s so good to see you.”
His smile widened as he held her tighter. “Not as good as it is too see you, Angel.”
I could see his face tighten as she held on tighter, the anguish and pain clearly evident. He put her down, staggered a little and she quickly reached out to support him. “Shit, I’m sorry, I never thought.”
He grinned. “It’s all right, Angel. No harm done.”
They sat and talked as I started dinner. I could hear her going on about Uni and friends. He laughed along with her. They had always had a tight relationship.
After dinner, Drew and I went for walk down by the beach. “Mum, he looks so normal, a little fragile, but you would never know.”
“I know, sweets, it’s all happening on the inside. I’m glad you saw him like this, because when he goes downhill, it will happen quickly.
We hugged tightly before returning to the house. Leo already had a big blunt sparked up. He hesitantly passed it to Drew, who accepted quickly. She took a big hit before passing it on to me. Seeing my shocked expression she giggled, saying, “Come on, Mum, don’t pretend like you didn’t try it at Uni.”
Taking the blunt and a hit I just shook my head. “Kids!”
We had a couple of drinks before Drew cried off, saying, “You guys are too much. I’m going to bed.”
There were kisses all around before she wandered off. Leo and I curled up on the big cane settee, the music serenaded us off to sleep. This time I came prepared with a large fleecy blanket.
I hadn’t planned to sleep in, but I guess the pot and the booze caught me off guard. I was awakened by Drew, who shook me softly. When I looked up into her eyes, I saw worry and concern.
I slipped out from Leo’s arms and we walked into the kitchen to make coffee. “Mum, what’s going on? Are you and Uncle Leo having sex?”
“What?” I screeched, before biting back my words. “No sweets, absolutely not. Leo was feeling a bit fragile last night and I comforted him. We both kept our clothes on, There’s nothing going on. I promise.”
She didn’t look convinced. “Does Daddy know you sleep with Uncle Leo?”
“Honey, I’m not sleeping with him.”
“Well, what do you call last night?”
“Honey, he was feeling lonely. I held him in my arms. Nothing more.”
“Mum, I’m worried. You have to promise you won’t do anything silly.”
I gave her a hug, kissed her lightly. “I promise, sweets. You have nothing to worry about.”
Leo wandered in a little later. There was still a little tension, but he soon had Drew laughing over some silly jokes.
The rest of her stay was pleasant. I refrained from sleeping with Leo. It was hard listening to his mournful sobs after the house was encased in darkness. Even Drew heard them and in the morning, she said, “God, Mum, poor Uncle Leo. He sounds so miserable, so despondent.”
“Yeah, it’s hard to listen to night after night.”
She gave me a kiss. “Is that why you slept with him?”
“Honey, we shared a bed. We kept our clothes on. All I did was show him some compassion, A little comfort.”
She returned my hug. “I understand, at least I think I do.”
That night, we shared a couple of smokes, cocktails, and when we went to sleep out on the deck, Drew slept with us. Her on one side, me on the other.
Drew left the next day and it was sad to see her leave, but she had studies, her life was waiting.
Luckily, Kal turned up the next day and we prepared to change shifts. We had two days together before I had to leave.
He looked tired when he walked in. I could see the life draining out of him. I ran into his arms and we hugged, we kissed and swayed drunkenly, enjoying the feel of our bodies.
As we parted, Leo joined the embrace and Kal asked, “How you doing, Bro?”
“Yeah good. Drew’s visit was fun.”
We sat at the table and the boys started talking football, cricket, all the usual stuff. I delivered a couple of beers and went outside to get some air.
Kal walked out a little later and we cuddled together. “So how’s work going, Hon? Did you manage to sort out all the problems?”
“Sort of, but in all honesty, Hon. I can’t be away for long. Christ, everything we have is tied up in those builds. If they fail, we are going down.”
I could see by his expression he was serious. “So what happens now?”
“I’m going to try to get Leo to come home with me. Just for a while until I have the builds in a better place.”
Giving him a hug, I whispered. “Oh hell, that would be so much easier. I don’t know how much more time off I can get.”
“The Highlanders have a couple of home pre-season games coming up. I was hoping to use them to entice him to come and stay.”
“Perfect.” That night we made love with an urgency we had not shared since dating. This was the longest we had been apart. It was furious, wild, almost brutal in it’s intensity.
Back in Dunedin and back at work, it was a relief. I worried about them both, but the tension, the feelings of inadequacy in trying to ease Leo’s pain, the bleak moody atmosphere in the house was all a bit much to take. All in all, I was pleased to get a break.
Calling Kal that night I asked how it was going and he moaned softly. “Shit, Babe, since you left he has has fallen in a hole. I mean a deep hole.”
“Honey, he was like that while I was there, as well.”
“What, even the crying in the middle of the night? Christ, that’s hard to take. I suppose being a nurse, you’re used to it.”
“No, not really. It was bloody hard.” There was a moment of silence and I dragged up the courage. “Honey, I have a confession.”
He hesitated before replying. “Yes.”
“Honey, I hated hearing Leo like that. I slept with him a couple of nights.”
“You what?” he hissed venomously.”
“Not like that stupid.” I snapped. “I meant he was bawling his eyes out. I laid on the bed with him and held him in my arms. We both stayed fully dressed.”
“Jesus, Phoebes. Shit, you scared me.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just wanted you to know.”
“Yeah, I can understand. Look, I think I have him convinced to come home with me. If all goes well, we might be there by Thursday night.”
It was obvious that Leo didn’t really want to be staying with us. The boys had lots of fun at the football, but aside from that Leo was lost. He had childhood friends he caught up with, but he hated the fact that people endlessly offered sympathy, and he had to tell his story over and over. It was no surprise when he said he was leaving.
Kal tried to talk him out of it, but there was no way, we could change his mind. He was going, and that was that.
Kal cornered me the night Leo announced he was leaving. “What the hell are we going to do? It just doesn’t seem right to let him go back by himself. Christ, he cries all night, he’s obviously struggling with his memory. I don’t think he should be driving.”
I nodded. “I agree, he definitely should not be driving. I mean, he is stoned most of the time now, anyway.”
“Yeah, agreed. So what are we going to do. I cannot afford to take more time off.”
“I can ask; can we afford for me to take a couple of months without pay?”
He frowned. “If we have to, but you must have some AL left?”
“Yeah, but, there’s nobody to cover. If I ask for AL, they will simply say no. If I say I am taking leave without pay, they have no choice.”
“Okay, see if you can get the ball rolling. Will you drive back?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t think he should fly.”
Three days later we were packed into my little car and we were off. He refused to let me pay for anything. It was a hell of a trip. We went up the west coast, had lots of stop-overs. It took us five days, but it was five days of fun: radio blaring, singing, sightseeing. eating at fancy restaurants. The one thing about Leo was he was generous, and mildly wealthy. Compared to us, he was rich.
The only negatives were the nights. That was when his situation seemed to compound for him. He lay in bed the walls closed in and despair covered him like a cold blanket. Well that’s how he explained it to me.
To those who have never been in that position, it is impossible to ignore; he was one of my best friends. His life was ending and he was in pain.
I went back to his bed. We snuggled together. He seemed happier with somebody in his arms. He was generous, kind and giving. It was his nature to help people.
As wrong as it felt to be in another man’s arms, it felt right to take away his pain, to ease his suffering.
The one other thing we picked up on the trip was a two-person kayak. We drove past a garage sale sign and he screamed loudly, “Stop, go back.”
Walking up the driveway of the people’s home, there was a huge red double-kayak. He made a big deal out of negotiating with them, but when he saw their little girl in ragged clothes and no shoes, he stopped, fished into his wallet and ended up giving them all the money he had. That kayak must have been worth about three hundred dollars, second hand. He paid fifteen hundred dollars for it.
We took ages tying it to the little roof rack, which was really only designed for ski’s. Oh well.
Back at Stephen’s bay, he couldn’t wait to get it in the water. We packed a bit of lunch and headed west, past Kaiteriteri, past Honeymoon Bay. We went all the way to Split Apple Rock. For experienced kayakers not a big trip, but for us it was huge.
It was one of those glorious Autumnal days, the wind a breathless zephyr, just enough to ripple the surface. The sun was bright, hanging slightly low in the sky. At least the temperature wasn’t too hot.
We paddled there easily. Pulling the kayak up on the sandy beach we spread out the towels and had lunch. Leo just loved to lie and listen to the waves. I curled up beside him, rested my head on his broad chest and we took a little nap.
The paddle home was harder: not the wind, or current. Leo might have been dipping his paddle in the water, but I was doing all the work. He was getting weaker.
Back at the batch, I made us a light dinner. He made cocktails and we got sloshed. By the time he sparked up another joint I was drunker than I could remember. He kept going on about paddling around to Totranui. He put together a plan, a list of stuff we needed, food, tent, sleeping bags, booze.
I curled up beside him, my head spinning like a giddy little girl dancing in the moonlight.
Somewhere during the night, he covered us in the big fuzzy blanket and we slept out on the deck. It was colder now, the evenings drawing in.
To keep warm, we had to snuggle, cuddle up tight, and as we did, I felt his erection, big and proud, digging into my side, or my bum when he spooned me.
I woke up during the night, I felt weird, a startling electric current ran through my body. As I wiped my eyes I felt Leo’s lips nuzzling my neck. He was asleep, dreaming, his hips gyrating, writhing against me.
Those damn lips, those sexy lips, nuzzling, kissing my bare skin. Damn, I felt it, my nipples hardening, my heart pounding and my tummy tingling. I didn’t want to, I didn’t mean to, but I squirmed a little, his erection responding as it was trapped between us.
His arm, which had hung loosely over my shoulder now wormed it’s way up under my sloppy T-shirt.
His hand cupped my breast, squeezed lightly, his thumb rubbing across my brassiere, teasing and flicking my now very erect nipple.
Okay, I was still drunk, still woozy, but I couldn’t hide my arousal. My face was flushed, my hands clammy.
His mouth opened wider, sucking wantonly on my neck, then lower, excruciatingly slowly he went lower, my shoulder, my back as his mouth pushed aside my shirt.
Squirming, writhing. God, it felt good.
Yes, it was wrong, I was a married woman. My husband would die if he saw what we were doing. But, oh god, it felt so good.
His hand left my breast, drifted lower, little circles of joy he made as his hands caressed my tummy. Every time he moved I flinched, my muscles tightening. My blood pressure grew, my heart raced.
His hand went lower, rubbing the top of my jeans, and as his hand went to push down inside…
That was it. I jumped up in a start. “Leo, I have to pee.”
He barely acknowledged he heard. I staggered off to the loo, the cold of the porcelain chilling my heady skin.
It took me an age to build the courage to return. I questioned everything. What the hell was I doing? I made a promise to my husband. I made vows. Okay, I’m not religious, but the words did mean something.
Leo lifted the blanket as I slipped in beside him and his big bear like arms closed over me.
I rested my head on one arm while the other held me tight. The earlier assault seemingly forgotten, well except for the steel rod pressed against my bum.
My emotions were raw the next day. Leo made me drive us into town, where he brought a brand new tent, sleeping bags, hamper, and a small chilly bin that would fit in the kayak.
The drive was filled with his plans for our trip. All I could do was nod in acceptance. My mind, however, was going a mile a minute. Real feelings, far greater than friendship, were attacking my feeble brain.
As I stared across at him, he seemed oblivious to the turmoil he created within me. Yes, I argued that I was transposing grief. I felt, it as well. I had so much emotion toward him, we were like siblings, family, much more than friends.
We had lunch in town, did some sight seeing, drove down to the port and brought fish. Leo seemed so buoyed by the trip, I didn’t have the strength to argue. I would be doing most of the paddling, but if it gave him even the slightest joy, I didn’t care.
Kal called that night and Leo was straight on the phone telling him all about our adventure. When I finally got a chance to talk to Kal in private he seemed nervous. “Hon, are you going to be able to handle that?”
“Yeah, Babe.” I sighed. “He is so up for it, I can’t say no.”
When I said those words he went silent. “What does that mean?”
“I just don’t want to crush his spirit. He wants to do it so I will just paddle harder.”
“Christ, be careful, Phoebes, that’s a long way.”
“Yeah, he has arranged for us to stay at Marahou, first night. Then at Torrents bay the next night. Then we will camp out at Totranui for a day or so before paddling back.”
He got pensive, I felt it in his voice. “So where are you staying?”
“Leo has sorted it all out. Apartment in Marahou, and some chalets at Torrent bay.”
With resignation seeping out of his voice he finally said, “Just be careful, Hon, don’t go out if the weather’s bad. Remember I love you, and thanks for looking after him.”
“Hey, he’s my friend, as well. I love him too, you know.”
“Yeah, I know, I just wanted to say thanks. It means a lot to me.”
We headed off on our adventure. The kayak was overflowing with stuff. The weather was kind, it probably is the calmest time of the year. The summer winds were gone, the winter rains not yet here. The paddle to Marihou wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Leo was trying to help.
He was exhausted when we arrived at Marahou, though. I had to get some passers-by to help get the kayak out of the water.
Leo took us out for dinner at the pub. The place was full of kayakers, trampers and tourists, so the mood was high.
In our room, we settled in for the night. The only scary part was the queen-sized bed. He organised a suite, which seemed presumptive, but I guess that was the reality. We were sleeping together. Even if sleep was all we were doing.
Oh damn it was nice to be in a comfy bed. Climbing in together seemed tense, as if there was some expectation,bBut Leo was tired and he was asleep quickly. Unlike normal nights where he seemed to battle his inner demons.
We cuddled together like man and wife. I made sure I wore underwear and fluffy PJ’s.
Leo was still a handsome guy. He always had been, that rugged frame, curly long brown hair that framed his face. Recently, he had stopped shaving and his stubble was growing in. It suited him, it made him look more virile, more like a lumberjack, or farmer.
Funny how I grew used to sleeping in his arms, enjoyed the feel of his body against mine.
The trip went like that. We stayed in top-quality accommodation until we reached Totranui. Then it was out with the tent. The bad news was Leo was getting worn down and tired. I had to get some other campers to give me a hand with the tent and pumping up the airbed.
We cooked in the little communal kitchen. We talked with lots of tourists, joked and laughed with them. There was a get together around the fire pit that night, which we attended. Somebody played guitar, we all sang along. There were joints flowing endlessly around the circle.
Wow, I was stoned, I mean really buzzed out. Leo had to help me back to the tent. It was bloody cold, as well. We had to cuddle up tight to try and get warm.
Late, god knows what time it was, I felt him stirring. His erection prodded me in the back as he writhed against me. I felt him rhythmically grinding against me.
His mouth glued like a feeding lamprey to my neck. His hands both cupping and caressing my boobs. God, had my nipples ever been harder? I felt him pinching and tweaking, squashing and kneading the heaving little orbs. I was never heavily endowed, my boobs were small, his hands easily cupped them.
When his mouth opened over my ear and his moist breath washed over my cheek as he nibbled, his teeth pulling on my lobes.
Shit, I’m only human. I know I should have said stop, but the words wouldn’t come. I wriggled my arse back against his raging erection.
“Oh fuck.” I heard him groan. “Oh Jesus Christ.”
Nice to know he was feeling it as much as I was. It encouraged him, he pressed forward, jamming his erection up between the cheeks of my bum, my yoga pants almost ripped asunder by his rapacious attack.
Damn, if he continued to grind against me, that thing was going to cut through the spandex and I would be impaled. His need grew quickly. His hands busily fondling and caressing my boobs. He pulled wickedly on my nipples, letting the little nubs spring back.
I turned my head to look back at him, to hopefully say stop, but his mouth moved from nibbling my ear to close over my open mouth.
His tongue slid in easily and swirled seductively around my mouth. Oh god, this was getting so out of control. The kiss enraged him and my breath became ragged as my tongue joined the salacious dance. We kissed passionately, and I turned more in his arms. His hand quickly dropped to the waist band of my pants and he tried to push in. “No, please, Leo, no.”
He seemed to heed my wishes, returning instead to carry on the assault of my heaving breasts. I was lost, I think he realised it.
When his hand dropped to my pants, this time I did not resist. His hand slid underneath the stretchy fabric and his fingers pressed across my slippery slit. Trapped inside my panties, he used his fingers to spread apart my glossy lips, his middle finger dipping into my gooey depths.
“Oh god, oh god.” It was the merest murmur, nothing more than hot air escaping my panting mouth.
He quickly found a gentle rhythm, sliding his finger in and out, the gurgly squishy noises exposing my desires. I pushed against his hand, enjoying the feel of his palm flattened against my mound, crushing and massaging my clit.
I let my hand drift down his muscular body, lower, into his shorts. His erection felt huge as my hand closed around it. I stroked him gently, allowing my thumb to pass over the slippery dewy head.
His hips jerked crazily at the first feel. “Ohhhh fuck,” he moaned into my panting mouth.
“Yes, god yes.” I whimpered in return.
Realising there was no fight left in me, his hand quickly picked up the pace as he plunged his fingers into my gooey pit. In and out they thrust, gushing squishy squelching sounds of lust. I felt embarrassed that my desire was so obvious. How could I say no? His hands were covered in my dewy juices, my thighs coated with the lubricious fluids. The smell of sex hung in the air. My nostrils distended as I inhaled desire.
It was quick, mere minutes before my hips jerked. “Oh god, I’m going to come.” It was a realisation I could have done without, but it built quickly, my hips bucking against his hand. Our tongues slithered a dancing fearsome erotic tango.
I couldn’t hold it back, there was no control, like when you have to pee. This was inexorable. “Oh fuck, Leo, god damn, Leo, I’m going to come.” It was a whimper, a breathless whimper. Nothing more. My body reacted wildly, shaking, jerking unashamedly.
I could do nothing but try to hold on, my fingers crushing his strangled manhood, which I squeezed tightly.
With my orgasm passed I settled slowly, my breathing returned and Leo just held me tight. His fingers slipping from my clutching pussy.
His erection still throbbed in what must have been a painful swelling. He stared into my eyes, the moonlight illuminating the space. I stroked him, my hand closing and squeezing as it slid up and down his granite shaft.
My hand, lubricated by his oozing pre-cum, slid sloppily up and down, up and down. Faster, slower, the throbbing member with an almost surreal life its own.
“Ooooh,” he whimpered. “Oh god.”
Faster, then slower. My mouth sucked ferociously on his tongue as we kissed. Like me, his hips jerked spasmodically in a wild jungle rhythm as he tried in vain to make me go faster. I sensed he was close, I teased a little, slowing down the frenetic pace. I let my hand slip lower, cupping and caressing his swollen balls.
Back to his rampant cock, stroking faster. No words spoken, All I wanted was to repay him for the incredible orgasm he gave me.
It came from nowhere, his hips jerked one final time. His whole body tensed, he lay stretched out as if levitating and his body trembled as his sperm erupted like a geyser. He spewed hot white sticky goop all over the insides of his shorts, all over my hand as I milked the last drops.
Afterwards, we lay in sated delight.
Sleep came easily, my guilt drowned by the urgent desire to close my eyes.
It was hard to sleep late. The sun shone brightly, the tent doing nothing to filter the brightness. I opened my eyes. Was it nothing but a dream? No my sticky thighs were evidence enough. It was no dream. Last night I broke my wedding vows. I crawled out of bed and crept outside to run to the toilet. I needed a shower. I needed to wash away the guilt.
I walked back to the tent to find Leo on my phone. “Yeah, mate, we made it safe and sound.”
He looked up to see me approach. “Hang on, Bro, here she is now.” He handed me the phone.
I took it reluctantly. For the first time in my marriage, I didn’t want to talk to my husband. Weighed down by the guilt, I wanted to shower. To wash away the evidence.”
“Hey, Hon.” He murmured. “Leo sounds chirpy. Seems like this trip might have been a good idea. How about you? Did you get much sleep?”
“Oh god, oh god, oh god.” I said to myself. After what felt like an hour long pause I replied. “Yes, Hon, got a decent sleep.” Shit, could he tell? Did he recognise the fear in my voice?
“Okay, Hon, I just wanted to make sure you made it all right. Was Leo much use?”
I walked back away from the tent. “Yeah, he did good.”
“Did he manage to keep up with your stroke.”
I just about choked on an invisible insect. His words cutting deep. “I said he did okay, didn’t I?” I snapped.
“Wow, hold on. Christ, no need to snap my bloody head off.”
“Sorry, I need a shower, and coffee.”
He regathered his voice. “All right then, Hon. I’ll call later. I love you.”
“I love you too, Babe, never forget that.”
We spent the day exploring Totranui, some great forest walks and then paddled around into Auroa inlet.
It was late when we got back. The day had been tense at first, neither of us willing to open the can of exploding confetti. Once that shit is out, it’s out.
We bit our collective tongues and focused on enjoying the day.
It wasn’t until later, after a joint and a Maitai, that the words came flooding out. “Phoebes, I’m sorry about last night. I don’t know what happened. Things have been so close between us. I sensed something. I am truly sorry.”
I held his hand as he poured out his apology. “Leo, it wasn’t just you. I was there, as well, and it was as much my fault as yours.”
“Yeah, but I started it. I let you down. You have done nothing but show me love. Jesus. What will Kal say?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think he’s going to blow up. He won’t be happy.”
“If you want, I will take that secret to the grave. He doesn’t need to know.”
“Yeah, that would be nice, but I’m not sure I can keep that secret from him. I might wait for a while to tell him, though. I don’t want to destroy your relationship with him.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Phoebes.”
We had a bite to eat and settled in for the night. Leo said rather wistfully. “Would you prefer I sleep on the ground, not in the bed?”
“Don’t be an idiot, Leo. You’ll freeze your arse off.”
“I don’t want to make things uncomfortable for you.”
I grinned, sucked in a deep breath replying softly. “We will just have to exercise some restraint.”
He laughed loudly, before snapping back comically. “I have never been accused of that. Shit, if anything I am usually called a pig.”
I won’t say it was easy as we snuggled together. There was no hiding from his swollen erection. If I was honest, I had feelings I was struggling to keep down, as well. This situation had affected me, too. I now battled to contain feelings of attachment and what some would call love. It wasn’t what I felt for my husband, but there was a feeling of desire.
For the rest of the trip we both managed to keep our battles with desire hidden, or buried. The trip did one other thing. Leo was exhausted on our return, and the effects of the tumour seemed accelerated. We rushed off to the doctor, who scheduled him for tests and scans.
The scans revealed the tumour was growing quickly. The doctors tried in vain to get Leo to reconsider treatment. They assured him that chemo would offer him a few more months, maybe more. Leo maintained he wanted quality over quantity.
We went back to the batch. It was a sad trip. We knew now that the end was closing in. He cried, I cried. We hugged and went to bed early. There was no hanky panky. He was true to his word.
What it drove was something totally unexpected. We had breakfast the next day, but we were interrupted by a visitor. Leo’s lawyer. They sat at the table and I went outside to give them privacy. It was an hour later when Leo called me inside. “Sit with us please,” he asked.
As I sat quietly, the lawyer slid some papers towards me. “We need your signature. I have marked the spots.” He looked warm, unlike most lawyers I had known. I read the documents and just about fainted. “Leo, you have to be joking?”
“No, Phoebes. You have gone well over and above what friendship entails.”
“Leo, this is too much. I cannot accept this. It is generous beyond belief.”
He sniggered. “Bullshit. Seeing your face when we drive around in the TR6 has given me so much pleasure. No, it’s yours. I want you to have it. God, I think you love it more than me.”
I laughed aloud. He was probably right. I did love the car. Biting my lip I got serious. “What about Jacob? He is your son.”
“I spoke to Jacob and he agrees entirely. It was his idea that I leave the batch to you and Kal. I want it to be enjoyed. Don’t worry about Jacob. He is getting my Auckland town-house, all my shares, my share in the business and over a two million in cash. He is well cared for.”
“Leo, we can’t accept this place. It is your family’s.”
His face twisted in a contorted grimace. “The place is mine. I can do what I want with it. Now sign the damn papers.”
“But what about Kal’ we need his signature.”
Leo shook his head. “These things are yours. When I’m gone, and if everything works out then you can share them with Kal. I hope that’s the way things turn out. I just want you to have a fall back.”
At that, I burst into tears. I knew what he was getting at. The lawyer was lost, but I knew. I ran down to the beach and sat watching the outgoing tide. Knowing Leo thought it might go badly scared me.
I waited a long time; when I walked back, the lawyers car was gone.
Leo was on the deck in the swing seat. As I approached, he patted the seat. “Sit with me.”
As I sat down, he reached over, picked up a tequila sunrise and passed it to me. We sat and sipped our drinks. He reached out and pulled me into him for an embrace. As we cuddled, he said, “Sorry to spring that on you, but I had a feeling you would fight me.”
“Yeah, sorry, Leo, it freaked me out. Especially the house. Shit, it scared me that you think Kal is going to take this badly.”
“I don’t know that he will. I hope he will realise it was just a moment in time, and you were just giving me a mercy wank.”
His words shocked me. “I wasn’t doing that. I was just caught up in the moment.”
“Phoebes, I think it’s going to be all right.”
Things sort of went off the rails after that. Leo started to go downhill. The first thing was his memory. It was little things, physically he was fine, a little unsteady on his feet occasionally. Aside from that, you’d never know.
Mentally, though, he lost it. He didn’t recognise me sometimes. Others, he started calling me Kath. The nights were terrible. Depression set in. He was smoking a lot of pot and drinking so much, but it seemed to keep the pain at bay.
I felt for him. The breakdowns became more regular and we would end up hugging.
We still shared a bed’ I justified it by telling myself it was just sympathy. The truth, though, was much more complex. There were so many emotions. Kal was stressed over work and twice he had to pull out of coming up to visit. I felt like everything got dumped on me. Cuddling with Leo at night was comforting, for me, as well. It started to feel natural.
It switched one night: the power went out during a storm. We were snuggled together in bed and he started kissing me. Just little kisses, but his hands roamed. “God, Kath, you’re so beautiful.”
I tried to say. “Leo, it’s me, Phoebe,” but as I opened my mouth to speak, his mouth closed over mine and he kissed me passionately. I tried to fight it off, but the desire built quickly. The kiss seared my lips. His passion raged so quickly.
His hands roamed my body like a musician, a harp player. God, his touch was so light, yet so intense. His hands quickly worked up under my PJ’s, the buttons popping easily, no defence against his skilful adept fingers.
My breasts were soon the prisoners of his hands; they were rough, yet smooth, caressing, mauling kneading. His thumbs rubbing and pinched my engorged nipples.
My body gave away my desire. Writhing evilly against him. I wanted to say stop! Truly, I tried, but the words refused to come.
He moved quickly, pushing my PJ’s top aside, my boobs exposed to his mouth, sucking wetly on every inch, my nipples disappearing into his suctioning mouth, his teeth biting. Before I could fight him off, his hands were roughly pushed down my PJ’s, sliding between my legs. He cupped my pussy, his palm roughly kneading my mound as I squeezed my thighs tightly shut.
Sitting up, he reached and jerked my pants down my legs.
I tried to cover my pussy, but he was too quick. He rolled me onto my back and he was between my legs, his wet slobbering mouth on my pussy. He sucked and nibbled at the lips, swollen, flushed and red where he mauled.
His tongue slipped inside and my body, my traitorous body… I couldn’t hide from the lust, the yearning hunger I felt. I was horny. The sexual tension around the house had been getting to me. Now it exploded in a fiery burst.
He sucked and licked my pussy, his mouth fucking me. His tongue delving deep.
With no means of escape, was I looking for escape? I wrapped my legs around his head, I squeezed hard, trapping him. With my hands full of his hair I rammed his nose deep into my pussy. I rubbed his face coarsely over it. I used his rough bristly beard.
It was like sandpaper scraping and scratching my slutty little pussy. God, I could feel the juices trickling down my bum crack. The bed was wet. The orgasm arrived, impossible to stop, I screamed, god I screamed, and he licked and licked. His fingers probing deep inside.
Blackness washed over me; when I opened my eyes he was inside me. His big hard cock was thrusting manfully, fucking me. Oh god, it felt so good, he was hard, his balls slapping against me like hammers as he pounded me into the mattress.
His spittle dripped on my face as he contorted, grunting wildly. “Fuck you, Kath, fuck you are so beautiful.”
“Yes babe, you are so good.”
My ankles locked together behind his back and I held him in me as his thrusts got more urgent, deeper, faster. “What a slut I am.”
It was over quickly, there was no tender lovemaking. It was fierce and brutal and over in a flash. His seed spurted deep into my depths, hot and sticky.
He climbed off me. I went to climb out of bed to get some air, to escape. He had other ideas. He pulled me back into an embrace and my bum wriggled as his slimy cock pushed back up inside me. His arms wrapped around me, his mouth sucking my exposed flesh.
He didn’t move, just stayed embedded. As his breathing slowed and his snores echoed around my spinning head, I sighed.
“How did I let this happen?” Little tears of sorrow slid slowly down my cheek. Kal was going to hate me. The more I thought about him the worse the tears became. My body shuddered and the sobs overwhelmed me.
Leo, aroused by my shuddering and probably confusing it for excitement shifted, gentle thrusts, sliding back and forth.
Dragging myself back to reality I was pleased to see he was still asleep. I eased off his cock, slipped his arm off me and climbed out of bed.
I curled up on the sofa, It was cold, shiveringly cold. I sat staring into the darkness. What a bitch, I chastised myself over and over. The tears flowed, adding to the shivering freezing feeling.
As I sat shivering I tried to rationalise why I let it happen. I didn’t hear Leo, but I sensed movement. When I opened my eyes Leo was kneeling in front of me, staring up into my eyes. “Phoebes, please don’t cry. This is my fault as well.”
I fell down into his arms and we embraced, “No, Leo, it was my fault. I let it happen.”
He held me tight. “I love you for sharing your warmth and love with me. Phoebes, I would be dead already if you weren’t here. Without your love, this last couple of months would have been impossible.”
I looked up into his face. Tears streamed down mixing with mine. “Phoebe, this might be wrong, but it’s right as well. At least from my perspective. I love you.”
“I love you, as well, Leo. The feelings I have for you are so strong.”
He stood, held my hand, and pulled me up. “Come back to bed, I’m bloody freezing.”
I allowed him to lift me up and we found our way back to bed. He lifted the blankets and dragged me in with him. His big arms wrapping me.
I hated myself. Over the next few days. Kal called a couple of times and I couldn’t help but break into fits of uncontrolled crying. He clicked on pretty quick that something was amiss. “Phoebes, Hon. Shush, stop crying. I’ll come up Friday night.”
Hearing that he was going to be here filled me with relief and anxiety. How was I going to stop myself from telling him? How could I keep that secret.
Later, I heard Leo and Kal talking. Leo saw me watching and walked outside so I couldn’t hear.
He looked as anxious as I felt. In some weird way, I felt glad that he was coming. I needed to tell him, to be honest. I just hoped he would understand.
That night, when bed time came, Leo closed his door, forcing me to sleep in the other room. That was a relief, as well. Listening to him crying deep into the night was heartbreaking, but I held my nerve, leaving him to sleep by himself.
Friday night, as promised, Kal pulled into the driveway. Just seeing his truck pull up, I raced outside, my feet barely touching the ground. I leapt into his arms and planted a huge kiss on his mouth.
He swirled me around until he tired. “Wow, hello to you, too, Babe.”
“Kal, my wonderful man. God it’s so nice to have you in my arms.”
He sniggered. “Horny are you, Hon?”
His words shocked me and I recoiled unwittingly. “Why did you say that?”
“Whoa, settle, Hon, it was a joke. It’s not often I get a greeting like this.”
Leo wandered out and they fell into a big bear hug. Leo’s eyes were wet, Kal’s shirt instantly wet. Kal followed suit, his body wracked with sobs. “Whoa, come on, Bro.” They ended patting each others backs as they separated.
“Come inside,” I called. “I’ll put the jug on for a brew.”
Leo helped him grab his bags from the back and they followed me up the path.
They carried the bags into the bedroom and I started making coffee. Leo was first out and I saw him grimace as he stared at me.
Kal staggered out and flopped on the sofa. “Shit, I’m exhausted. What a bloody drive.”
Leo went to the fridge, grabbed a couple of beers. “Don’t you want the coffee?”
Leo put the beer in Kal’s hand and muttered, “Fuck the coffee.”
They touched bottles in a salute. It made me angry, but I swallowed my anger like a bitter pill as I saw the look on both their faces.
They fell into a deep discussion about work, life, fishing. Leo declared he was taking Kal out on the kayak and they could swing a couple of lines and catch tomorrow’s dinner.
Kal realised, insisting that Leo was no longer capable. He shook badly, his strong features now began to show his age.
I traipsed beers back and forth as they laughed and story told. Leo kept talking about our kayaking trip.
“I don’t believe it. You’re to lazy to paddle,” Kal said.
Leo snapped in mock anger. “Go into my room, my camera’s by the bed. Bring it out and I’ll show you.”
Kal gave a loud sigh. “Fuck, what’s wrong with your legs? You go.”
I was mixing the batter for our fish, and called, “Don’t be a dick, go and get it. You’ll see, smart Alec.”
Kal, jumped up and walked up to the bedroom. Leo, gave me a nervous smile, asking, “You all right Phoebes?”
I nodded as I went back to mixing the batter. Kal walked out and he looked ashen. He stared at me with a dark glowering anger, then back at Leo before tossing me something. I snatched it out of the air with a smile. I thought he must have brought me a present. Once I caught it, I opened it up. Shocked I stared at a scrunched up pair of my dirty panties.
I stared at him, with a questioning look. “What are these?”
“You tell me. They were screwed up in a ball in Leo’s bed. Strange, I looked a little closer and your jewellery, some make up and perfume. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were sleeping together.”
His glare cut right through me. I dropped the panties on the floor, the ladle I was stirring the batter with fell, batter splashed everywhere.
“Would you care to explain?” he growled viciously.
Leo, was about to mutter something, but Kal, cut him off. “No, let me hear it from her.” His piercing gaze froze Leo. “Come on then, Phoebe. Tell me, are you and dickhead over there having sex?”
I felt the blood drain from my body, a knife twisted deep in my tummy. “Kal, it’s not like that.”
“Oh shut up!” he bellowed. “Not like that. Just tell me the truth. Are you having sex with Leo?”
My mouth stopped working, my brain turned into a sticky pile of mush. I had to grip the counter to hold myself up. “Kal, please, let me explain.”
“No damn it, just answer the fucking question. It’s simple, yes, or no.”
Leo pushed himself up of the sofa and went to speak. “Kal, she’s trying. Give her a chance.”
Kal turned back to Leo and gave him the darkest, filthiest glare. “Sit back down, arsehole. If you take one step towards me, I’m going to knock your fucking block off.”
He turned his hateful stare back at me, his voice booming as he snarled. “Well? Answer the fucking question, yes or no.”
“Kal, let me explain. Please, let’s sit down and talk, please, we don’t have to yell or fight.”
“Like fuck we don’t. Your refusal to answer, is answer enough. You’re nothing but a dirty cheating slut.”
Before I could say anything. He picked up his bags and headed for the door. His stride, manful and purposeful.
I ran out the door. “Kal, what are you doing?”
He dropped his bag, turned and snarled loudly. “Phoebe, I’m going to make this easy. If there’s nothing going on. Why is your underwear spread all over Leo’s room?”
My breath evaporated and I fell against the car. My expression must have given me away. He nodded, barking, “Yeah, I thought as much. You slutty fucking bitch. How long have you to been playing doctors and nurses?”
“Hon, it wasn’t like that.”
“Really, so you haven’t slept with him then?”
I couldn’t hold back the tears. “Hon, it wasn’t like that. I promise. Please come back inside and we can talk about it.”
“Fuck off, Phoebe. The pair of you can just fuck off. You’ve been having a right old time, haven’t you.”
He picked his bags up and threw them in the back of his truck before he climbed in, slamming the door behind him. He leaned out the window. “You can stay here now, bitch. Whatever you do, don’t come home, because it will not end well. Fuck, I can’t believe how much I hate you right now.”
I grabbed at the door handle, I tried to wrench it open, but he held on tight before starting the truck and swinging wildly onto the street, the tyres screeching their disapproval as he raced out towards the main road. I fell into a pile of sobbing incoherent flesh in the driveway. Leo came out and lifted me up into a hug. “I’m sorry, Phoebes, I never even thought about the bloody laundry.”
I had no strength, nothing made sense. I held onto his shoulders. “He… only just got here. It’ an eleven hour drive. He can’t just drive back home. He’s in no state to drive.”
“Phoebes, he’s angry; he’ll calm down. Once he thinks about it, he will simmer down. He won’t drive all that way. He was tired. He will find a hotel, get something to eat and take some time to process. He needs time to think, that’s all.”
Unconvinced, I quickly found my phone and rang him. Of course, it went straight to message bank.
I tried over and over, call after call. Every time the same result. Leo held me, I sank against his chest. Oh god the look in his eye’s, the hatred, pure undiluted hatred. What the hell was I thinking?
“You heard him, Leo, he hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you. Phoebes, I have known him my whole life, I know how much he loves, you. He told me so many times. Jesus, girl. He told me he was going to marry you, the first night you met. He loves you. We hurt him, he just needs time.”
We rocked and swayed as his grip tightened, I was no longer sure who was holding who up.
Eventually we had to separate, the neighbours were staring as were passersby.
Inside, I finished the fish and prepared to cook it. I tried time and again to phone Kal, but it kept going straight to message bank.
We ate in silence, a deep suffocating gloomy sentence seemed to have fallen over us. We both ate, well, Leo ate. I pushed my food around my plate like a child with a toy bulldozer.
Leo reached over, grabbed my hand, which held my fork. “Stop it. You have to eat. Don’t make me force you.”
I took a few bites. “What am I going to do? That look of hatred, god I hurt him so much.”
“Oh, cut it out. You didn’t do anything, we did it together. This is my fault, I will find a way to fix it. I promise. He loves you, we have been mates a long time. I know him, he will be licking his wounds.”
“But what if he does hate me? Christ, what if he wants a divorce?”
Leo laughed. “He isn’t going to divorce you. Right now, all he wants to do is kill me. He probably wishes I was dead already.”
Shocked, I mumbled softly. “No, that anger was all aimed at me.”
“That’s because he loves you. He thinks, and rightly so, that this is my fault.”
After dinner we chilled out. He forced drink after drink into my hand. We smoked some kush and fell asleep in each other’s arms. He held me like a child holds a teddy bear.
The morning dawned and it was another bright sunny day. The sun was low in the sky. I decided to let Leo sleep and walk down to the beach. As I wandered down the hill, my heart leapt. There was Kal’s truck parked in the carpark by the beach.
I peeked in. It wasn’t locked, but he wasn’t there.
I walked over the little walkway down to the black sand beach. There he sat, his knees drawn tightly up under his chin.
I sat beside him and he didn’t look up. “Did you sleep here last night.”
His red swollen eyes glared at me over his arm. “In the truck.”
“Why didn’t you come back to the house?”
He sniggered, it sounded, cold, snide. “Yeah, and where would I have slept? Sorry, but listening too you two go at it from the spare room doesn’t fill me with any joy.”
The tears burst forth, and I couldn’t stem them. “Kal, I tried to tell you yesterday. It’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like? Don’t try to bullshit me. You have been having sex, haven’t you?” His eyes showed the pain.
“Yes, we had sex a couple of times, but you’re making it sound like we do it all the time. I promise you, Kal. We have only done it a couple of times?”
“Then why is his room looking more like your room?”
“Because I have been sleeping with him. But that’s like brother and sister, like friends. God, you heard how sad, he was. I started sleeping with him out of sympathy, compassion. Hearing him cry himself to sleep every night broke my heart.”
He didn’t look convinced. “You have had sex, though? Regular sexual intercourse. Like husband and wife?”
“No, I felt sorry for him. All I wanted to do was make his last minutes on this earth bearable. I just wanted to bring some joy to his life.”
“Huh, joy, yeah, well you managed that. Christ Phoebes, I’m fucking lonely, as well. Jesus, I am at home wanking every night because I’m horny and alone, while you’re up here bonking your fucking brains out.”
“I’m sorry, Kal, I know this has hurt you, but we only did it a couple of times. If you don’t believe, me ask Leo. He will not lie to you.”
“Phoebes, I’m lost. You’re treating this like it’s all right. I don’t care if you had sex once or a hundred times. It’s bloody wrong.”
“I know, Hon, I’m not trying to trivialise this. I only responded to your claims we were at it like fucking rabbits. I know I hurt you; I know it’s wrong.”
“Then, explain it. Tell me how this happened. Why is my wife having sex with another man?”
“Because I fucked up, I made a mistake, I let my desire to help out a dear friend get out of hand. I let my need to try and make his life better, to ease his depression, get twisted. I made a mistake. Hon, we haven’t had sex but a few times.”
I leaned against him, wrapping my arm around him in a loving hug. “I fucked up. I am so sorry. I let you down, I know that. God, I let myself down as well. Please, I am begging for forgiveness. I made a mistake.”
“Once is a mistake, more than once is a sustained action.”
“No, the mistake was letting myself get trapped in it. I mean, Leo didn’t force me, but it feels like I convinced myself you would be okay with it.”
“Oh my god, listen to yourself. You know damned well I was never going to be happy, or even accepting, of that decision.”
“What can I do, Babe? How can I make this right?”
“I’m not sure you can. Right at this moment, I want to strangle the pair of you. You betrayed me, Phoebe, and with my best friend. How the hell did you think I would feel?”
“I don’t know, Babes. I didn’t think, I just acted. I know it’s wrong, and I acted deceitfully. I wish I could take away that hurt.”
He grimaced, his eyes boring into mine. “Yeah, me too.”
We sat like that, the damp sand beneath our bums, the morning sun warming us slowly. We leaned together and I couldn’t stop crying. It changed, sometimes a flood as I heard his pitiful sobs beside me. Other times, mine, like his, were just trickles.
I lifted his arm and placed it over my shoulder. Thankfully he didn’t take it away. Kids came and went, playing football on the beach, playing tag. Some just walking, and as the day warmed up, other people ventured down. They milled around playing, yelling, screaming laughing, chatting. Throughout it all, we just sat there, staring out across the bay.
It was I who had to move, I needed to pee badly. I stood up, faced him and offered my hand. “Come back to the house, Babes, you must be starving. Let me cook you something.”
“I’m not going back there so you can laugh at me.”
“Honey, nobody’s laughing. Leo and I both felt guilty about what happened. Nobody’s winning here. He is getting very weak now. The doctors warmed us on the last visit, that the pain will increase. They doubled his morphine dose. They want him to go into hospital, but he refused.”
“Yeah, what did you expect. He’s not going to get sex from the nurses in there, is he.”
The pain was evident, the cuts deep. “Kal, I have to pee. If we’re not going back to the house then at least drive me to some decent toilets. The ones here are revolting.”
He stood with me, we climbed into his truck and headed around to Kaiteriteri. As we drove past the house I looked in to see Leo, sitting on the front deck, bottle of bourbon in his hand. He would be drunk in an hour if I didn’t get back.
I tried again. “Babe, couldn’t we go back to the house?”
He slammed on the brakes. “Why, what’s to be gained from that?”
“We could talk, you need food, I need to pee. Talk to Leo, he is your friend.”
“Some fucking friend. What friend does that to a mate?”
“Somebody who is dying, somebody who has lost everything. Somebody who was clinging on to anything and everything, looking for love.”
“You were not his to have, Phoebe. Your body was not yours to give.”
That shocked me. “What are you saying? You don’t own me, Kal.”
“Yes I do Phoebe. We made promises to each other. You promised me your body and soul, and I did the same in return. There is no you and me, there is only us. You broke that bond when you willing gave away what wasn’t yours to give.”
The hurt on his face, the pain was etched so deep. Through the sniffling tears I whispered. “I’m sorry, you’re right. It was selfish. I am sorry.”
“Yes it was. I understand how the emotions could get to you. Shit I’m not a fool. I understand how it could happen. What I don’t understand is why you lied to me.”
“I didn’t want to, Hon. God, the number of times I wanted to tell you when we spoke. I really wanted to, but the moment never seemed right. Believe it or not, I didn’t want to hurt you.”
He spun the truck around and crunched it into gear and we sped the short distance back to the house. I jumped out and ran past Leo, who looked up with a blank look on his face.
I sat on the toilet for what felt like an hour before I dared venture out. I found them sitting side by side on the deck. The bourbon bottle going back and forth.
I went to the kitchen and started to make some lunch. As I worked on lunch, Leo walked in wordlessly, got another bottle and went back out. I heard them talking, crying. Leo apologising, over and over.
By the time I carried the lunch out they had their arms around each other’s shoulders. There were still tears, but then the laughter filtered through.
I placed the plate of sandwiches down beside them groaning. “If you morons don’t have something to eat, you are going to be written off.”
Leo stared up at me and shrugged. “And?”
I snatched the bottle out of his hand, flopped down beside them and took my own gulp of the burning liquid. They chomped away on their sandwiches, as I took another gulp.
“What the fuck am I going to do?” Kal hissed sadly.
“What do you mean, Bro?” Leo asked.
“Well, it’s obvious I can’t leave you two here by yourselves. I can’t trust either of you.”
That sent Leo back into tearful apologies. Kal grabbed the bottle and just about emptied it in one long pull.
Leo sparked up a fat blunt and that went along the three of us. There were beers, wine, vodka. By sunset, we were all pretty smashed. I left them to it. Cooked some dinner, put on some music. I sat in the kitchen listening to them relate stories. Some I had never heard before. About how Leo and Kal, both lost their virginity to the same girl, on the same night, Kal making some comment about him stealing her as well.
Leo, who was well used to drinking like this, was still relatively sober, where as Kal was trashed. “Kal, believe me, I never meant to hurt you, Bro. I couldn’t take Phoebes from you if I wanted to. She has always loved you.”
“Then why is she sleeping with a fucking deadbeat like you? Tell me that, Einstein!”
“Because she felt sorry for me. I’m not an idiot, Kal. The only reason she let me seduce her was she felt sorry for me. Christ, it wasn’t her fault. It was all me.”
When Kal didn’t say anything, Leo spluttered. “Fuck, man, you know how irresistible I am.”
“Fuck off. That’s why it’s so hard to believe. If it’d been some good looking bloke, I could have understood, but you. Nobody wants to fuck you.”
“Jesus, you’re a mean bastard when you’re drunk.” Leo laughed.
I carried out the food and they picked at it between gulps. I moaned. “Are you guy’s going to move so I can sit down?”
They separated and I slipped between them. Another blunt circulated, along with some beers that Kal brought. I could feel the cold bite of the night sky as it descended over us. I walked back into the house and carried out some big fluffy blankets. I threw the blanket over them and climbed back in between them. We all snuggled up, our legs tucked up. I reached up and kissed Kal, his tongue swirling in my mouth. As we separated I whispered. “I love you, Kal.”
He sniggered. “Fuck you, Phoebe, I love you two.”
Leo coughed loudly before growling, “Yeah, and I love both of you. You’ve been my family. I’m sorry, Kal, I really am, Bro.”
That was sort of how we went to sleep.
I woke several times during the night, my bladder no match for the cool night air and all we had to drink. I got more blankets and snuggled back in between them. Maybe Leo was right. I hoped so.
The morning brought hangovers and headaches. I made bacon and eggs for all of us. Sober and thoughtful, the conversation of the night before was over. The table was cold, Kal’s eyes unforgiving. Any hopes I generated the night before evaporated quickly.
As I cleaned up they went out side and were fooling around with something. Next thing I see is the kayak bounce past the kitchen window. Putting down the wet plates I rushed out onto the deck. “What are you idiots doing?” I asked.
Kal snapped caustically. “We’re going fishing.”
They had their rods, paddles, and fishing basket in their hands, the kayak resting on their shoulders. The pain in Leo’s eyes was easy to read. He was in agony, but he wasn’t going to be stopped.
I made some cheese sandwiches, threw in some bottles of soda and watched as they paddled out into the gently lapping waves, Kal barking orders. “Come on, you lazy bastard, paddle.”
“Fuck you, Kal, you piece of shit.” Leo snapped back. I watched as they disappeared out around the point.
I threw my arms in the air. Stupid shits would be lucky if they didn’t both drown.
I tried to make light of it, but I was genuinely scared. On our last visit to the doctor with Leo, the doctor warned him not to overdo things.
I sat down on the beach and waited, and waited. By two O’clock, I was hungry and needed to pee. I went back to the house before returning to the beach. Late afternoon i saw them; they were making their way slowly back in. As they neared the beach. Kal held up a large snapper, behind him Leo held up a couple of gurnard.
There was a fair bit of laughter as they beached the kayak. I helped them pull it in and get it on the beach. Leo was exhausted. Not only that, but he was in real pain.
I helped him as he unloaded, his arm over my shoulder as he collapsed in the sand.
Kal, who had obviously unaware, glanced at me as I started running back towards the house. “I’ll get your truck.”
When I returned, there were a few people grouped around. They helped us load the kayak on the back and get Leo in the cab.
Kal set about unloading the kayak and I helped Leo inside. He was sweating wildly, and so hot. I got the shower ready and helped him in. As he looked so unstable I pushed in a chair that he used occasionally.
Kal appeared behind me as I picked up Leo’s clothes. “Shit, I didn’t realise. I shouldn’t have talked him into that.”
I gave him a hug. “Babe, it’s not your fault. If you asked him if he would prefer today like it is, or another six months. He would choose today. He loves you.”
Later, we both helped him get into bed and walked out to the living area.
We prepared the fish and wrapped them for tomorrow. I made coffee and we walked outside to catch the last of the sun before it set. As we sat absorbing the warming rays, Kal asked, “So what do we do Phoebe?”
“Kal, all I can do is beg forgiveness. I know I have no right, but it’s all I have to offer.”
“You know when I found those panties in his bed, I could have happily killed you both. Jail, I wouldn’t have cared.”
“And now?” I asked hopefully.
“I don’t know, Phoebe. I feel like slapping you one minute, and like hugging you the next.”
“I’ll take the hugs. Shit, I’ll even take the slaps if it makes you feel better. Put me over your knee if you want. Spank me.”
He sneered. “Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you.”
I smiled silently as we sipped our piping hot coffee. “You know, I could have cheated as well.” He gave me a sardonic, lazy stare.
“I’m not surprised, Kal. You are a handsome man. I have always felt blessed having you as my husband. I love that other women find you attractive. It makes me proud.”
We went back to sipping our drinks and I saw where this was headed. “Okay, Kal, if that’s what it takes. You do what you have to and I will accept that as my punishment.”
He gave me a questioning look. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re suggesting you want a chance to have sex with somebody else. A revenge fuck. That’s what you were getting at, isn’t it?”
“No, it bloody isn’t,” he hissed. “Jesus, I was just saying. I have had offers. I could have done the same thing. I didn’t mean I was going to.”
“No, Kal, it’s only fair. I fucked up. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I will always regret that, and I know there’s no way I can take it back. Maybe balancing the books would be fair. I want you to do it.”
He sniggered. “You… You want me to have sex with another woman? Yeah… right. I believe that.”
“No, I will accept that. It can be my punishment. Please, just don’t fall in love with her. Don’t leave me, that’s all I ask.”
We went to bed late, after talking ourselves hoarse. We cuddled in each others arms. I reached down and caressed his cock, but he pushed aside my hand. “No, I’m not ready for that.”
It was like a slap in the face. In all our years together, he had never turned me down. I rolled over so he didn’t see my tears. I wriggled and squirmed back into him as his arm fell across me. We slipped into the warm confines of sleep. It felt so good to be in his arms.
His words might have said he wasn’t ready, but the erection digging into my bum said other things. Just knowing it was there made me sleep easier.
The morning was again back to the cold impersonal chat. Leo eventually got out of bed, but he was in pain. That much was obvious. He went straight for the liquor cabinet. Even Kal could see the agony in his strained eyes. We had the fish for lunch and that brightened the mood, but Leo was weak and didn’t want to go outside. We all smoked a little herb and sat around. I noticed Leo was also taking the morphine regularly.
Monday, Kal announced he had to get back to work. I knew he was going, but it hurt. “Do you want me to come with you?” I asked quietly so Leo didn’t hear.
“No, Phoebe, we’ve seen this thing through this far. Leo needs help, I can see that.”
He left after many hugs and cuddles. I walked beside his truck as he backed out the drive. “I love you, Kal, never forget that.”
He reached for my hand. “I love you, as well.”
When we reached the road I spluttered. “Kal, if you want to, or feel like you need to, then you have my permission.”
“For what? Jesus, you’re still not going on about that are you?”
I nodded. “Yes, and I meant it. You do what you feel is right. I will accept it.”
He drove off, shaking his head. Watching the truck disappear over the brow of the hill was terrible. Suddenly, my life felt empty and sad. Somebody had just dumped a fifty tonne load on my shoulders, at least that’s what it felt like.