Screwing With the Wrong Lawyer

OK. Here’s another one. Yeah, it’s improbable and it would never work the way I wrote it. Yes, I know that the laws aren’t this way. This is FICTION. This is the way things work in my world. This is a BTB, where a bitch and a bastard get burned. No sex in this one. FYI, there is some lesbian themes in this one.

Picking the Wrong Lawyer

“Mrs. Adams, your 4-oclock is here.” My adorable PA said over the intercom.

It was five minutes to four. He was early. Still, I was done with my previous client, and I had some ‘free’ time on my hands. Might as well start early. Besides, I could use the time to talk to him. Oh, I should probably introduce myself. I’m Tabitha Adams. I’m 32-years-old, and I have my own law firm. I specialize in Family Law. Yes, I’m a divorce attorney. Actually, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the best divorce attorney in the state. Probably the best in most of the states, but I only work in this one. I have several women working in my office, and not a single one has been named Ruth. OK, so that’s not what actually makes me ruthless (Yeah, cheesy). It’s just my nature. Normally, I’m a really nice person. Get me in a social setting, or having a friend in need, and I’m the most giving and fun person on the planet. Get me in a court room opposing a cheating spouse, and they better be wearing the largest butt plug on the market, because I’m going to give them the fucking they deserve. There are three types of people I absolutely loath: Cheaters, drug dealers, and pimps. They are scum, and I love nothing more than going scorched earth on them.

OK. Now back to my 4-o’clock appointment. He is here today for an initial consultation. He wants to divorce his wife, and he is sure that she is cheating on him. This should be fun. As I said, I HATE cheaters. I picked up the manila envelope that I had completed, so I could give it to Chloe, my PA for filing and strode out of my office to the lobby.

“Mr. Jeffers? Hello, I’m Tabitha Adams.”

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Adams. Thank you for seeing me. I was told that you are the best divorce attorney in the country.”

“Well, I’m not sure about that. I strictly work in this state, so I don’t really deal with lawyers in other states enough to know how good they are.” I had to admire the balls on this guy. I knew exactly where he got his information on my skills.

“So, you want to divorce your wife?” I continued. We were still in the lobby of my office. Not overly professional, but I had my reasons.

“Yes. I’m absolutely positive that the bitch is cheating on me.”

“OK. I assume that you have evidence of that? You will need proof in order to file for adultery.”

“Not yet, but I’m going to be hiring a PI to get it.”

“Alright. I can begin the paperwork, but you will need to get me the proof before I can file. Now, I need to ask this to avoid any surprises later. Are you having any outside sexual encounters against her? Any affairs or dalliances on your part?”

“Absolutely not! I would never do that to her. I’ve been 100% faithful to her ever since we first began dating.”

“OK. Sorry, but I had to ask. Now, who were you planning to hire as your PI? I have a firm that I use, if you haven’t decided yet.”

“Well, I have an appointment tomorrow morning with Ace Investigations. I’ve heard that they were one of the best.”

“Actually, they are the best. That’s the firm that I use. If you would like, I happen to haver an example of their work with me that I can let you look at.”

“Really? Wouldn’t that be unethical to let me look at a confidential report for someone else?”

“In most cases, yes. It would be highly irresponsible to have a third party view a confidential document like this, but in this particular case, it’s fine.”

“Oh. OK then. I’d love to see an example of their work.”

Smiling, I handed him the manila envelope I had in my hand. He accepted it. My smile changed. I couldn’t help it, but I got a sudden tingling feeling, not a bad one, but a VERY pleasurable feeling.

“And you’ve been served.” I announced.

The security cameras in the office recorded me serving the asshole with the divorce paperwork. It took him a minute to catch up with current events. He finally looked at me with a deer-in-the-headlights look. Suddenly, his face paled, and his jaw dropped open.

“Huh?” Came out of his mouth.

“I regret to inform you that I cannot take your case, nor can any attorney in my firm. It would be a conflict of interest. I am already representing your soon-to-be ex-wife.”

“What? She’s divorcing me? When did she hire you?”

“She hired me a week ago. It was two days after I showed her evidence of the affair you are having.”

“What the fuck?” Suddenly, he got a really terrified look on his face. Realization suddenly dawned on him. Desperately, he began clawing for his phone.

“Don’t bother.” I told him. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I said, “Your girlfriend is probably finding out right — about — now…” Just as my cellphone began ringing. “Yep. Right on time.” I answered it and put it on speaker.

“Hello, Darla.”

“Babe. Tabby. What’s going on?” My wife sputtered over the phone. Yes, I’m a Gold Star Lesbian. Guys just never did anything for me.

“Well, BABE. What does it look like is going on?”

“Tabby, I just dot divorce papers served on me. Why are you doing this?”

“Did you bother to read them?”

“No. I’m too shocked at even getting them. What’s happening?”

“Well, Darla. I have Keith Jeffers in my office right now. He was trying to get me to represent him in his divorce from his wife. Unfortunately, she had already hired me a week ago. Perhaps you should talk to Keith about why you both got served a few minutes ago. Since you didn’t read the documents, I will inform you that you have four hours to pack and be out of MY house. You can set up a time to get the rest of what you will be allowed to take with you at another time. My paralegal will stay with you to ensure that you do not take anything that you are not supposed to take, per the divorce petition.” Without another word, she disconnected the call. I turned back to Keith.

“Oh, and I can absolutely confirm to you that your wife is NOT having an affair. Go ahead and hire your PI firm, but you will not find anything.”

“Yeah? How can you be so sure?”

“Easy.” I responded. “Having sex with your client is a major ethical violation. I could get disbarred for doing that, unless it could be documented that we were doing it before I began representing her. Of course, if that came to light, you could use that against her in the divorce. That was simply unacceptable, so we decided to hold off until after the divorce was over. Oh, as I said, she officially hired me two days after I showed her the evidence that you were fucking MY WIFE! I spent those first two days fucking the hell out of her. We stopped after she signed the paperwork.”

“You fucking bitch! I’m gonna fight this. She WAS having an affair after all.”

“Really? Do you have any evidence of that? What are you going to do? Are you going to try to say that I admitted that? I’ll just deny it, then it will be the word of a known cheat and liar against that of a respected member of the court. Good luck with that. I suggest that both you and my soon-to-be ex-wife get a really good lawyer, not that it will do either of you much good.”

With that, he stormed out of my office. So yes, the scumbag was fucking my wife. To be fair, I had known that she was bisexual all along. It was a conversation we had on our first official date. Although she was bisexual and still interested in men, she explained that she was always exclusive to whoever she was in a relationship with. If she was in a relationship with a man, she would not have sex with any women. Similarly, if she was in a relationship with another woman, she would be faithful and not indulge her straight side. We dated for two years before I proposed. We were engaged for a full year before the wedding. We had been married for five years at this point.

About 4-months ago, I got a strange feeling that something wasn’t right. Darla seemed to be ‘off’ a bit. Sure, we were still intimate, but it just seemed as if she wasn’t all there. I decided to check it out. I have ACE Investigations on retainer at my firm, so I decided to give them the task. Needless to say, I was really pissed off when I got the report two-weeks later. Still, I did understand that she was bisexual, so I was thinking of just giving this to her for a short time. At least it wasn’t another woman. Yes, I understand biology. A guy has something that a woman doesn’t. Hopefully this was just a short-term dalliance to scratch an itch that I can’t provide. Yes, it hurt, but I was all set to ignore it — until I heard THAT conversation.

Keith: “So, I’ll divorce Mary. I can probably set something up so it looks like she’s cheating on me. That way, I can enforce the prenup. Once that’s done, you can divorce your wife for irreconcilable differences. I’ll get 90% of my assets, and you will get half of your assets. We’ll keep seeing each other in secret, then, six months after your divorce is final, we can ‘suddenly’ meet and fall in love.”

Darla: “OK. I wish we wouldn’t have to wait that long, but I understand. With our prenups, any hint of our affair would royally fuck us. You know what? You should totally use Tabby as your lawyer. If you can set up Mary so it looks like she is cheating on you, Tabby would go all nuclear on her. You would end up with a lot more than just what the prenup says.”

Keith: “[Laughing] OH, that’s great! Your wife would be contributing to her own ex-wife’s future lifestyle without having a clue about what’s really going on.”

Darla: Yeah, it just sucks that I won’t be able to use her in my divorce from her, though. That’s why we need to keep this quiet. If I can convince her that I’m just not happy, we can divorce amicably. The prenup would not be enforced, and I can walk away with half. I do NOT want to have a contentious divorce. She would totally screw me over.”

So, that changed things significantly. I was now going to war. To me, war is defined as General Sherman’s March to the Sea. It is NOT defined as any pf the recent wars that America has fought recently. I was not interested in those pansy ‘rules of engagement’ where our soldiers couldn’t fire their weapons only if there was a direct threat against them. Nope. Rules of engagement? THERE ARE NO FUCKING RULES WHEN ENGAGING THE ENEMY!

With all the evidence from my PI, I decided to go see Mary. As it happened, Keith was out of town at a conference for the week. Coincidentally, Darla was also out of town for a few days at a trade show. Oddly, Keith’s conference and Darla’s trade show happened to be in the same city. Mary was devastated when I showed her the videos. She became pissed off when she heard that conversation. I made a not-so-subtle suggestion. She replied with an enthusiastic approval. Two days later, we got dressed again and sat in her livingroom signing papers.

James Davenport — Esquire:

I knew I shouldn’t have taken their cases. I just fucking knew better. There was absolutely no upside to it. As they sat across my desk from me informing me of the situation, all that kept going through my head was the sound of my better judgement saying, ‘They are sssooooooo fucked!’ Then, they told me who the opposing counsel was. Fucked would just be a blessing to them. When she informed me that the opposing counsel was actually her wife, and that the divorce was for adultery, I actually grabbed the waste basket and threw up in it — right in front of them. There was no possible good outcome here. I still don’t know what possessed me to take their cases.

“Wait a minute. You actually went to her — the wife of the woman you were cheating with to hire her to divorce your current wife? Are you out of your fucking mind?” I asked incredulously. Seriously, no one was that stupid.

“Well, yeah. She’s the best divorce attorney in the state. I wanted the best asset split I could get.”

I simply shook my head in disbelief.

I let out a heavy sigh when they finally wrapped up their spiel. “OK. My best advice to you two is to simply sign the petitions and move on.”

“But we will get nothing if we don that!” Darla whined.

“There has to be something we can do. If we fight it, they will have to offer us a better deal. The more we fight it, the more they will have to pay in legal fees. They will offer us a better deal just to make it go away.” Keith proclaimed. I didn’t have the heart to tell him how completely wrong he was.

[SIGH] “Fine. Let me call Tabitha and see if we can set up a meeting.” I dialed the number and put it on speaker.

“Adams and Associates. How may I help you?” The receptionist answered.

“Good morning. This is James Davenport. I would like to speak to Tabitha, Please.”

“One moment, sir.” She replied, then put me on hold.

“James, darling. How wonderful to hear from you.” Greeted a sultry voice. I wasn’t fooled. Behind that sultry voice and killer smile lurked the most vicious legal predator on the planet. Worse yet, she was a completely pissed off lethal predator.

“Hello Tabitha. Always a pleasure talking to you.” I responded.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of you call, darling?”

“Well, Tabby.” I was one of the few who could get away with calling her that. I had a feeling that the woman sitting across from me no longer held that distinction. “I am calling hoping that we can set up a meeting.”

“James darling, for you, anything. So, tell me, what is this meeting about?”

The pleasant demeanor didn’t fool me in the slightest. I also knew that she damned well knew what this call was about, too. I had a mental picture of a Bengal Tiger that was playing with a rabbit it had caught. The tiger was just toying with it out of amusement before suddenly devouring it whole. In this little video going through my head, I was definitely NOT the tiger.

“Well, Tabitha, this concerns the divorce between a Keith and Mary Jeffers and [GULP] You and Darla Adams.”

“Hmmmm. Truthfully, James, I really don’t see the need for a meeting. Didn’t you advise them to simply sign the documents and move on?”

“Yes, I did advise them of that. It seems as though they wish to have a meeting and discuss the terms of the divorce.”

I heard her let out a sigh. “Very well. Would you like to have one meeting with all participants, or two separate meetings?”

“I think that one single meeting with all involved would probably be best for now. Depending on how things go, maybe the follow-up meetings would be separate.”

“Very well, James darling. You know how special you are to me. Can you do 4-O’clock this afternoon?”

Looking across the desk and seeing two nodding heads, I replied. “That will be fine. Thank you, Tabitha.”

“Of course, James. See you this afternoon.” She said before hanging up.

‘They are so fucked!’ continued to run through my mind.

Tabitha, later that afternoon:

“Good afternoon, James. Can I have my PA get anything for you? Coffee, water, tea?” I greeted.

James was a very hansom man, and quite intelligent as well. He was also a very good attorney. Had I the slightest interest in men romantically, I would not hesitate to pursue him. Alas, I am just not interested in men that way.

After having drinks served, it was time to get down to business.

“First off, introductions.” I began. “Of course, you all know me. James, my client Mary. Mary, this is James Davenport, counsel for Darla and Keith. Keith, Darla, and James, this lovely woman to my left is Jenny Hutchins. She will be representing me.”

“You aren’t handling your own divorce?” James said with a slight look of hope in his eyes.

“James, darling. You know that old saying, ‘A person who represents themselves in court has a fool for a client.’ Besides, Jenny is one of my star associates. This is kind of her final exam. If she does well, she is looking at a Junior Partnership in the near future. Also, I will be working right beside her to make sure that everything is done correctly.”

“So, your most trusted employee, then.” He remarked.

“Oh God, no. I trained her far too well to ever trust her. Really, James. She thinks that morals are the paintings on the walls and scruples are what is used for money in Russia.”

“If you don’t trust her, why would you have her representing you” Darla asked.

“It’s quite simple. She is after that Junior Partnership. I told her that I know what the outcome should be. If I have to pay more than that, it will be longer before she gets that partnership. If the outcome is what I demand, she gets the partnership immediately. Frankly, I do believe that she is working her hardest to make it retroactive.”

“Fine.” James said. “Now, the proposed settlements are simply not acceptable.”

“James, a copy of the prenups were included with the petitions. The settlements are exactly what is in the prenups. Infidelity has been proven; therefore, we are enforcing the prenups to their full extent.” I countered.

“What’s this about my clients having to pay all court costs as well as your fees? You filed for divorce, so you should be the one paying.”

“It’s all in the prenups, darling. It states that the guilty party pay everything. In fact, I was actually thinking about representing Mary pro bono, but, since yo9ur client is going to be paying anyway, I decided to charge full price. You can also bet that there will be a fully detailed accounting of my bill. Of course, since Jenny actually works for me, I will only be charging Darla her salaried wages for all Jenny’s time.”

“My clients have heard that you and your client have been involved in your own affair as well.” James accused. Inside I was laughing when I heard this. He didn’t really have any cards to play, so he was trying anything he could. I could see in his eyes that even he didn’t believe that it would work.

“Why James. I’m almost offended by that accusation. If I didn’t expect such unfounded accusations from a pair of lying cheaters, I would be offended. You know as well as I do that sleeping with a client is highly unethical. I could be disbarred for that. Do you even have a shred of evidence to back that claim up, or are you just going to take the word of known liars over the word of a respected member of the court?”

“We’re going to fight this. The settlement you offered is completely unreasonable. Your wife only gets her clothes, her own retirement, jewelry she had before you were married, and the money she brought into the marriage. Keith loses 70% of his retirement, 70% of all marital assets, and has to pay 65% of his income in Spousal Maintenance for the next 10-years.”

“Yes. That is all spelled out in the prenuptial agreements. The penalty for infidelity was laid out to be harsh. Good luck fighting that. I look forward to getting these two cheaters on the stand. You know how much I love making cheaters cry on the stand. It’s been far too long since I also made opposing counsel cry in court as well.”

The meeting went downhill from there. They left looking worse than they did walking in. Jenny’s grin looked more like she was baring her teeth. When she gave that look of glee upon hearing James declare that they were going to fight, I swear I heard Heart start singing Barracuda in my mind. The legal maneuvering began.

It was a month later that the first court hearing was held. It wasn’t going well for James. I’m pretty sure that he knew it was a lost cause, but his clients insisted on dragging things out. I think that it was their hope to go as long as possible in the hopes of maintaining access to the accounts to try and syphon off as much money as possible. Unfortunately for them, I had anticipated that and froze the accounts, after moving the majority of the money into other accounts that did not include their names.