with Jason, well who can blame her after what he did for her. She tells Sabrina and me that she will marry him someday.”
And then I saw the light bulb go on in her head. “Oh my god!”
I think she understood why, even if she didn’t agree with what I did. “June please don’t say anything to your sisters. My plan was that when Mary turns eighteen I would sit the three of you down and explain. I will show all three of you the evidence I collected; just in case you think I am lying or exaggerating. And somehow I swear to god that I will make Jason face you guys and explain his actions.”
“Dad your story is too fantastic to not be true. No one could make that up. I’ll keep it to myself for your benefit. I know I should probably hate Mom, but I can’t. Whatever else she is, she was always good mom to us. Hopefully I can control my emotions when I’m around her.”
“Thank you sweetheart. It won’t be forever, just another four years.” Yeah it didn’t sound that encouraging to me either. “I’m sorry for everything honey.”
“Dad, you can’t tell Mary, it will kill her.”
I already knew that. What could I say? I just nodded and told her that hopefully when Mary is eighteen the circumstances will have changed.
JUNE
Maybe I should have been more forceful with my dad about not telling Mary about what Jason really was. He was her hero and she was genuinely in love with him. Of course she was only fourteen years old, and like boys, a girl’s hormones are starting to go crazy at that age. I was worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle knowing the truth. I also reminded myself to tell Sabrina, without giving anything away, not to even share her concerns with Mary.
I really don’t know how to feel about what I had just learned. My mother, if not a little frenetic to the point of being annoying at times, was a really good mom. I loved her, but just couldn’t fathom someone doing that to her husband. And, she really did it to her whole family not just Dad.
I also had trouble comprehending how my dad would allow that to go on, but after Jason saved Mary’s life, I don’t know if I would have done it differently.
I was grateful to be going away for school as I would have a lot of trouble acting normal around Mom. I can’t see my relationship with parents ever fully being the same.
And finally there was Jason. I guess because I had suspicions prior, I wasn’t really all that shocked or angry at him, but again I can’t imagine how he would think that relationship would be all right.
JOHN
About a year after my conversation with June things got very interesting on a number of different levels. While I wanted to ignore Jason, he was constantly asking me questions and treating me like I was his confidant. I eventually switched tactics with him and decided that since he wasn’t going away I would use him to my advantage. I had him helping me do home improvement projects all over the house.
I also assigned him large backbreaking projects such as re-landscaping the entire yard, front and back. He was only too happy to do it. He never refused me despite his busy life. I mean considering what he was doing with my wife, it was the least he could do.
No one knew it but I wanted to make sure the house was in tip top shape to get the maximum price when it was time to sell it. He was young and strong so why not? Gina frequently gushed about how famously we were getting along.
“Jason really looks up to you, you know?”
“No I didn’t know. I suppose any kid screwing another man’s wife would look up to him, wouldn’t he?” My voice was dripping with sarcasm that was completely lost on Gina.
“It’s true John, when we are together all he really talks about is how much he admires you.”
“Gina, do you see anything odd, or perhaps even insane, about a kid lying in bed with you having just fucked your brains out heaping adulation on his lover’s husband. I’m just asking?”
“Of course not John why would I? Quit being difficult.” And off she went.
Alice in Wonderland had nothing on my wife.
Of course my other motive for abusing Jason was sophomoric but it did give me some pleasure, I was trying to see if I could exhaust him to such a degree that he couldn’t perform for Gina. I was never sure if I was ever successful in that goal, but the good news was the house was in like new condition.
I might have achieved that ambition a few times though. Every now and then Gina would return to bed earlier than normal and start banging things around trying to wake me up from my feigned sleep. That always brought a smile to my face and gave me a warm sense of satisfaction.
It couldn’t have been easy for Jason either. He was working and going to school fulltime. He finished his associate degree in automotive engineering and went on to get a bachelor’s degree in business and became the general manager at the Twin Lakes Truck Stop.
One Saturday he and I were putting a new backyard patio cover up to replace the old one that was practically falling down. Jason had seemed somewhat distracted throughout the project. Given the bizarre life I was stuck in I didn’t think it possible any longer but he shocked the hell out of me when he revealed the reason for his distraction.
JASON
John and I had just set the rafters to the ledger board and were getting ready to secure them to the header beam. There really wasn’t a solid way or a good time to say this to him, so I just blurted it out. “John I’m going to be leaving soon.”
“No you’re not.” He responded quietly but forcefully. It looked like for a brief moment he considered throwing his hammer at me. “I’ve got too much invested in this to have it go to pieces on me now.” I’m not sure exactly what he meant but I knew he was furious.
“It’s not really the sex with my wife that does it for you, is it? For some reason you just get a perverse pleasure out of fucking my life up, don’t you? You’re staying!”
Although stunned by the emotion of his outburst I was more adamant now, it was too important to me. “John I am leaving and I’m going to do it next week. I’ve met someone and we are engaged.”
“What? You’re cheating on my wife! That’s just fucking rich. God damn it Jason you fucked up my life coming into it and now you’re going to fuck it up by leaving?” He was spraying spittle from his mouth as he screeched. I never heard him react like that. It caused Gina to respond from the kitchen.
“What’s all the commotion about out there?”
John, thinking quickly answered. “It’s nothing dear I just hit my thumb with my hammer.”
I felt terrible, but I was determined. “I’m sorry to do this to you but I’ve already told Pam, Pam Manzanar is her name by the way, all about this ah, our situation. I mean I couldn’t lie to her about it.”
“You did what? Christ Jason I’m going to kill you with this hammer.” He was waving it around even more wildly. I thought he might have a stroke. “Of all the dumb ass things…” He was so exasperated he couldn’t continue right away. I was so shaken up I didn’t know what else to do. Trust me I had seen john angry plenty of times. I felt like I was going to be sick. He was the closest thing to a father I’ve ever had and all I seem to do is hurt him.
JOHN
Jason started crying. He’s almost 26 years old and he’s crying for godsakes? Oh hell I should have just killed him and myself when this all started. How could this get any worse for me? I was about to find out.
“John listen please, I need your help. After I told Pam about us, she said that she loved me but she wouldn’t marry me unless she got to talk with you about it…”
“What?” I was yelling again.
“She wants to be sure I’m telling the truth about it because she finds it too hard to believe I guess.”
“There is… no… fucking… way… in hell I’m talking to your fiancée about this mess! You’re shit out of….wait a minute did you say she finds it too hard to believe?” Jason’s eyes were about to bug out of his head and the tears continued to roll down his cheeks but he nodded slowly. “You know what; I will talk to her. At least someone besides me seems to think this whole thing is crazy!”
“Really?”
“Yes but a couple of things. First, I talk to her before we say anything to Gina and I do mean us, because you are going to be right there with me when we tell her what you are doing.” I could see that Jason was not at all comfortable with that but tough shit. “Set up my meeting with Pam for sometime next week. And do NOT say anything to Gina about this until I have time to think about how to handle it.”
I was too far into this cluster fuck to let it fall apart now.
PAM MANZANAR
First of all I couldn’t believe that John Bishop would actually agree to talk with me about it. I mean really? Frankly I didn’t give a damn why Jason was doing what he was with that old saggy big titted bitch. I did love him. He was kind, thoughtful, and could hold an intelligent conversation in the circles I traveled in. That was no small feat, given the fact that I teach human sexuality courses at the local college. And yes he was a very caring and accomplished lover. In my experience most guys with big cocks were big dicks.
When Jason first confessed to me about what he had been doing with Gina the cow, I was furious, but as he spoke about it I calmed down and tried to really understand where he was coming from. He explained to me that Gina the whore had virtually taught him every thing he knows, and not just about sex. He was by far the best lover I ever had, and I’ve had more than a few. Doing research, right?
I knew Jason was the kind of man that you would want to have kids with. From the moment we met he would frequently and lovingly talk about his three ‘nieces.’ I knew what he had done for Mary. Everybody did.
I just needed to make sure it was over between them. But, I have to confess I was also curious. What kind of man would knowingly let his wife screw some someone else anyway? Never mind living down the hall from him.
“Hello Mr. Bishop.” I held out my hand to greet him properly. He returned my handshake evenly but firmly.
He answered me in a formal manner as you would a new business client I suppose. “Ms. Manzanar, how are you? And please call me John.”
“I’m well John.” This was awkward. He actually didn’t look anything like what I expected. I guess I thought he would be a wimpy short pudgy guy with pasty skin and a whiny high pitched voice. He wasn’t, he was actually very fit and handsome for an older man with a full head of salt and pepper hair. He was obviously well educated. He impressed me as kind and thoughtful, which ironically was how Jason described him.
“Please call me Pam. This is a very interesting place you chose to have us meet and talk.” I surveyed the nearly deserted park that surrounded us.
“As you can imagine, I prefer privacy when discussing this topic. I know you have questions for me, but do you mind if I ask a couple first?” I nodded that he should continue.
“Pam, why in the world would you want to talk with me about this?”
I smiled knowingly and responded with, “probably for the same reason you agreed to talk with me.” We both laughed out loud.
“I think I’m going to like you Pam.” His eyes were sparkling. “Ok, so beyond your curiosity to see what kind of man would have allowed this relationship between his wife and your fiancé….and my curiosity to see what kind of woman would want to marry Jason, what did you want from me?”
“Well John I think I’m going to like you too.” No he wasn’t anything like I imagined. “First I’d like to get the big one out of the way. If I marry him, do you think he would cheat on me?”
He deliberated thoughtfully for a couple of moments to compose his feelings. “I know this will sound strange coming from me, but truthfully no, I don’t think he would cheat on you.” That really surprised me and I could tell he noticed.
“It’s for a couple of reasons. One, I never thought he would have the fortitude to break away from Gina. You must be very special to him. She, ahh, she can be very persuasive.” He blushed a little. “Also I don’t think he would have told you about Gina if he intended to keep going with it. But mostly because I believe he truly regrets what he did to me.”
“I know he does. He says you are like a father figure to him. He has come to tears telling about how he ruined your life and how much he regrets it.”
“You’re the second woman to tell me I’m a father figure to him. But make no mistake, Jason didn’t ruin my life, Gina did. This is on her and if I live to be a hundred I will never forgive her for what she has done.”
“I know it isn’t really my business, but the second reason I wanted to talk with you is…well I want to hear your story to see if it is the same as Jason says. I need to know if he is hiding anything from me.”
“I see, I guess that does make sense.” And he spent the next thirty minutes or so relaying almost the exact narrative that Jason had given me. Jason had been truthful.
“That’s an amazing story John. I hardly know what to say about it? As you might know I teach human sexuality and behavior at the college.” He nodded his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a tale like that. Not in real life anyway.”
“Well answer me this then Pam, and please be truthful, what do you think of me and what I have allowed? I would really like to know.”
“Honestly, the academic in me tells me not to pass judgment, but instead to really explore the thought processes and emotions that went into making your decision to allow it.” I could see that he knew I was copping out.
“I’m not really avoiding your question John. I’m just really not sure. Part of me thinks you made a huge mistake. If you had just divorced her as soon as she told you what her plans were, then by now your life would be much more settled.
“You, I think are the one who has to take responsibility for the horrible situation you are still in all these years later. If you think about it from this perspective, Gina obviously bears the responsibility for starting it of course, but you kept it going far longer than it should have.
“However the part of me that knows what Jason did for your Mary, makes it difficult for me to pass judgment on you.” I expected him to start getting angry with me but he did not.
He turned around leaned back against the wooden picnic table we were seated at and appeared to become lost in the cloud formations floating by. He sat like that for several minutes without uttering a word. I wasn’t sure if he found it just too painful to face me or his demons.
I decided to change the subject, a little anyway. “John, can I ask a very personal question of you? The human sexuality professor in me wants to know if, well if in all this time did you ever, hmm, ever engage in three-way sexual activity with Jason and Gina?”
He still wasn’t looking in my direction as he shook his head no. “No Pam I never did. I know Gina wanted it to happen as she mentioned it to me on several occasions. For your information, I haven’t had sex with anyone other than my right hand in over five years.”
“You can’t be serious!” I watched him shudder trying to suppress his emotions as he shook his head. “John something isn’t adding up here. You aren’t telling me something. I don’t believe it. I would have thought that if for no other reason than physical release you would have at least utilized the services of a prostitute. I know you told me that your sex drive couldn’t match Gina’s but really, five years. Do you have a sainthood complex?”
“No… I have a post-nup that is heavily weighed in my favor, if I can last another three years with this arrangement.” He turned back to me and stared into my eyes. His expression had hardened considerably since we began our conversation and I found it a little unnerving.
“Well then John, this is all on you isn’t it?” That caught him off guard. Maybe he expected me to be intimidated or shocked? “I know you see yourself as the victim but you aren’t really. And until you come to grips with that, you will never be free from it. To put it more clinically, you may have been the victim in the beginning, but now you are the perpetrator.
“Earlier in our conversation you told me that you will never forgive Gina for what she has done. I think the bigger problem you will have is in being able to forgive yourself. I suspect it will be a long time if ever before you can do that.”
After an uncomfortable silence he appeared to relax a little. Thank goodness because for a moment I thought he was going to reach in his pocket and pull out Captain Queeg’s two metal balls and start rolling them in his palm.
“I suppose you are right Pam. I guess I’m just going to have to live with that aren’t I. Do you have anything else for me?”
“No John, thank you for your time.”
He got up from the table walked purposefully away without looking back.
JOHN
When I got home from my disturbing meeting with Pam I was pounced on immediately by Jason.
“Thank you so much John, Pam says she will marry me. I can’t thank you enough!”
“Yeah well we still have to talk to Sybil about it.”
“Sybil?”
“It was before your time so don’t worry about it, but I still haven’t figured out the approach we take with Gina. Let me think about it for a couple of days.
I didn’t have a clue as to how to approach Gina. It shouldn’t have been my problem, but I knew that in reality it was. One way or another Jason would be gone, and I would be left to deal with the aftermath of Hurricane Gina.
A couple of nights later without any real plan beyond hoping for the best, Jason and I sat her down after the girls were upstairs and gave her the ‘we have to talk’ line. Jason kept looking at me like I was supposed to tell her. I just quietly said, “No Jason, it’s your rodeo.”
To his credit he did manage to spit out that he was leaving and why. Gina still had the ability to surprise me. Surprise in this case was a bit of an understatement.
Gina just stood up and said, “I’m very happy for you Jason. I would like to meet your lady soon. We will miss you around here. I hope we are invited to your wedding. She must be very special.” She kissed him demurely on the cheek and said she was going to bed.
Unwittingly, Jason and I were having a contest to see who’s jaw could get closer to floor. We stared at each other in utter disbelief.
Just before leaving the den she turned back to us. “John honey, are you coming to bed soon?” Her voice was as sweet as syrup. At that point I knew I was a dead man.
When I walked into our bedroom, yes we were still sleeping in the same bed; she had a steely look of determination about her.
“John honey, do you think I’m stupid?”
“Gina, you are a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.”
I know you set this whole thing up. I expect you to fix this problem, if you want to make it to the end of our agreement period. If you can’t get Jason to dump that bitch you will have to come up with another solution.” She was so calm it was scary.
“What you want me to find dates for you now? He loves her Gina what the hell am I supposed to do?”
“You’re a smart man John you will think of something.” And she rolled over, turned off her light, fluffed up her pillow, gave a deep sigh and went to sleep.
I hadn’t moved from my standing position beside the bed.
Days came and went and I was no closer to a solution when I got inspiration from a very unlikely source. It was late afternoon in a particularly unproductive day at work. I needed a pick me up so I went to the company cafeteria to get a cup of eight hour old coffee. I sat alone at a table in the corner lost in thought. I wasn’t really lost in any thought except trying to avoid going back to my office and have another problem crop up that I would have zero interest in solving.
I saw one of the new IT nerds come in looking for a snack from the machines. I couldn’t remember his name, but he was fresh out of college and like most of the techs, he was shy. He wasn’t a bad looking kid really, but his body didn’t seem to fit together proportionally, so he looked odd. His body hadn’t grown in to match the size of his huge hands or feet. His hands or his feet?
I heard some girls at another table start to giggle and sneak glances his way. He turned beet red and tried to run out of the lunch room, but he tripped over his oversized feet and fell into an empty table scattering the chairs everywhere. He jumped up and left. He appeared to be crying.
They didn’t know I was there, or didn’t care. In any case I heard one of them say that he had a huge dick, but another waved her hand dismissively and said, “Save your energy girls. Even if he does have a big dick…”
“He does, I’ve seen it,” interrupted the first girl. She had my attention too. “I didn’t actually see it in the flesh, but saw the outline through his pants once as he was working on my computer. Unless that was a salami in his pants?” There was more girlish laughter.
“Yes, anyway before I was rudely interrupted I was going to say, I’m sure he doesn’t know how to use it. One morning just to be nice I walked up to him in the hallway and said ‘good morning.’ He flushed with embarrassment and started to stutter. The only thing I could understand was ‘oh my’ and his eyes rolled up into his head. I looked down and saw a wet spot forming on the crotch of his pants.” All three ladies started laughing uproariously. “He came right in his pants and all I said was good morning?”
I started to formulate a plan in my head. I’m not sure how good a plan it was, but given my fucked up life what difference did it make? So I went searching for the geek. I found out his name, which was Lee Vining, and asked him to go to lunch with me on Saturday. I used some lame excuse like I did this for all new employees. What, he was going to say no to the boss?
When I got home that night Gina hit me up with her usual, “Well, what are you doing about our little problem?”
Our little problem? “Gina, meet me at 12:30 for lunch at the Carson Peak Inn on Saturday. I think I might have a solution to ‘our problem’. Dress to, well to ensnare Jason’s replacement. When you arrive I will already be there with someone.
“Act surprised to see me and walk up to the table. After I introduce you and we make small talk for a couple of minutes I will get a text message and have to excuse myself. Be careful not to show too much cleavage or he might cum in his pants at the table and that will ruin our plan. After that you are on your own.”
That’s just what we did, and just like that we had a new tenant. That evening in bed Gina was like a new woman.
“Please John let me make love with you. You are so good to me I want to show my appreciation for what you’ve done.”
“No Gina, I can’t. And please don’t hurt the kid; he is going to be a long term project for you. He is incredibly shy. Pam told me how you molded Jason into the man she fell in love with. I would like you to be able to do the same for Lee. It will be a challenge for sure, but I have faith in you.” I patted her on the shoulder and rolled away from her secure in the knowledge that she would be so focused on teaching Lee she would leave me well alone. That is of course unless the big hands and feet thing was just an old wives tale. Apparently it wasn’t.
I did briefly wonder if what I did fell under any pandering laws. I didn’t really think so, but I made a mental note to talk with Ansel about it.
The day before Lee moved in I had a long direct chat with him. Something about me killing him if he breathed a word about what was going on. I was confident that Gina would explain how he was to conduct himself around our daughters, but I reminded him just the same.
Our cover story to the kids was that since we had a room available we decided to take on a tenant to make a few more dollars a month to help their contribute to their college funds.
Gina rose to the occasion and began Lee’s training right away. Believe it or not I could see a definite change in Lee at work. He looked tired but was getting surer of himself everyday. He could actually talk to the female staff without ejaculating in his pants after only a week with Gina. Of course it could have been because he had no semen left in him I suppose.
After my ten year arrangement with Gina was up I had Lee move out because the house had to be sold. He thanked me profusely for my role in connecting him with Gina. He affectionately called her Yoda. Yeah whatever.
After I relocated to California I heard through the company grapevine that Lee had become quite the ladies man. He apparently dumped Gina at some point. She probably got to old for him, I never really knew why. My sources in the home office told me he slept his way through the entire under thirty-five female population of the office, married and single.
He became a legend until he screwed around with the wrong man’s wife. There was a rather ugly incident in the parking lot after work and after he was released from the hospital no one ever saw or heard from him again.
My life went back to the run of the mill nightmare it had been while waiting for the divorce to be finalized.
By the way, yes we were all invited and attended Pam and Jason’s wedding. Mary was one of the bridesmaids. Gina was pissed that she wasn’t. She said that it was the least Jason and Pam could have done after all she had done for Jason. Really she said that!
It was a small but tasteful affair. I was grateful the ceremony wasn’t in a church, because I wouldn’t want to have pushed my luck with God having Gina and Jason inside the same house of worship. I mean I don’t think he is a vengeful god but why take a chance?
Gina cried through the whole wedding. She started drinking heavily at the reception and several times tried to approach Jason, but June or I always managed to get her away before an international incident occurred. Part of me wanted to let it happen because I could tell that Pam wouldn’t need much encouragement to deck her. A territorial thing I suppose.
Another provocative incident that threatened my plan occurred when Sabrina turned eighteen. It became apparent that I wasn’t going to get my pound of flesh by revealing Gina’s betrayal to the three girls. When she was getting ready to leave for school, she explained why she chose one over five hundred miles away.
“Don’t even start with me Dad. I want nothing to do with you or my mother. You two might be the most fucked up people on the planet. If you want to pull my college fund, do it. I’ve got enough in scholarships that if I can find a part time job, I could probably make it work.”
She ranted for about twenty minutes. I was initially angry, but it soon turned to sorrow. When she wound herself down, I tried to explain my reasoning and she cut me off.
“Don’t give me that bullshit Dad, I’m not interested. If I never speak to you or Mom again, it will be too soon! I’m catching a ride with a friend to school so just leave me alone.
“Oh yeah, and good fucking luck explaining this pile of shit to Mary! I don’t want to be anywhere near here when you tell her. She still loves the asshole.”
I told her I was sorry she felt that way and that I hoped in time she would come to understand. She just snorted and stomped away. I didn’t see her again until she graduated four years later. And no I didn’t pull her college fund.
I assumed that her inviting me, not Gina, to her graduation indicated a thawing of our relationship. It was, but several more years passed before any semblance of normalcy returned.
The conversation I had with Mary when she turned eighteen was absolutely the hardest thing I ever had to do. Unfortunately for me, Little Mary’s sisters had not clued her in to who Jason really was and what he was doing with her mom. I was cowardly hoping they would have so it wouldn’t have to be me destroying her world, but in the end I had no choice.
My heart ached so much at the prospect of what I had to do, that I thought seriously of just not telling her. Why not let her keep believing that Jason was her hero? No matter what else he was, he was a hero to Mary. I discarded the idea because there was going to be no way to keep that a secret forever. I felt that my relationship with her would be even more damaged if she didn’t hear it from me.
I also thought about making Jason tell her with me. But he flat refused and no amount of cajoling or threatening could make him change his mind. I gave in but told him that he was going to have to talk with her at some point.
How do you start a conversation like that? My baby sat sweetly across the table from me at Denny’s. She always loved Denny’s and you know why? Because Jason would often take all three girls there on Sunday and they loved it. He continued to take her there even after he got married. Of course his wife always accompanied him. There was absolutely nothing inappropriate about their relationship. As Mary grew she realized that she didn’t really want to marry him.
I was betting that Pam would be with him for his uncomfortable conversation with Mary when the time came.
After placing our orders with the short and stout matronly looking waitress, all the waitresses at Denny’s are short and stout aren’t they, we began our talk.
“Mary honey, I have to speak with you about Uncle Jason.” She just sat looking impassively at me so that’s when I knew she didn’t have a clue, and I relayed the last ten years to her. I could tell she was crushed and conflicted. She never touched her meal when it came. Tears were streaming down her face and she wouldn’t make eye contact with me. When she finally raised her eyes to meet mine I knew what I had done was a horrible mistake. All ten years of it was a colossal error in judgment. Why was it so clear to me now and not then?
Pam was right, everything I did after Gina hit me with her ultimatum was on me and I would have to live with it until I took my last breath. I spent countless hours wondering if what I had done was just as evil as what Gina did. Well intentioned individuals commit acts of evil all the time. Well maybe I wasn’t being evil but I certainly was being selfish.
Had I made everyone suffer as adults to soothe my uncertainties and fears? Later on I read books and articles about the impact of divorce on children. While kids of all ages are obviously traumatized by a divorce, it seems the younger ones have a better ability to overcome the negative aspects and adjust more quickly than teenagers.
I even wondered if Gina would be the train wreck that she was today if I had just ended it when it started?
I believe that life is like a balance sheet and just before you leave the earth you see the bottom line. I think you can actually tell what the dead think of their balance sheet by their expression as they pass. Oh everyone cries at the end, but those with a positive balance sheet have a restful and peaceful expression on their face and those with a negative balance sheet, do not.
I wondered what my bottom line would look like.
It has only been the last couple of years that I have found the contentment and peace in my life that I had been seeking. I was convinced that had I acted differently, more proactively, my peace would have come years sooner.
Mary was a better person than all of us, stronger too. She never judged me or her mother for that matter. She told us how disappointed she was that we hid it from her but said she understood. I don’t think she really did though. Mary never cut anyone out of her life, even Jason.
She did have her sit-down with him shortly after I spoke with her. And yes, Pam was there. No one ever told me what transpired in that conversation, but I do know that Mary became friendly with Pam and maintained her relationship with Jason. They even continued their Sunday lunches at Denny’s. Later, after Pam and Jason started their family Mary would baby-sit for them. The kids called her Aunt Mary.
My melancholy reminiscing was interrupted by my phone ringing. It was Jason, and as happens quite frequently, he was emotional about something. I listened to him for several minutes, my eyes growing wider and wider with surprise.
Before I could answer him I sensed that Sabrina had entered the room. “I have to go Jason. Let me think about that.” And I hung up and turned to her smiling. Yes it was going to be a very good day.
SABRINA
“I’m sorry Dad, I wasn’t eavesdropping on you, It must have been really good news? I haven’t seen you smile like that in years.”
“That was Jason.”
“I can’t believe you still talk to that asshole Dad. After what he did to us?”
“Like I’ve said a hundred times sweetheart, in a way Jason was a victim too. Your sisters still have a relationship with him and maybe someday you will too?”
“Not very fucking likely.”
I saw him visibly wince at my language. I’m 34 years old, but fathers think their daughters are always little girls. So I just loved to tweak him by sprinkling as much profanity into my talks with him as possible.
“Didn’t you ever make a mistake sweetheart?”
“Of course I have, but him fucking Mom?” He blanched again. “That is not a damn mistake.”
“Were all the decisions you made when you were that age the right ones Sabrina?”
Ok that one hurt a little. “Dad! You are frustrating me no end. Fucking Mom wasn’t like he wrecked the family car. Surely you can see that? I never made a mistake like that.”
He went for my jugular. “You cut your parents out of your life. No matter what happened in our marriage, we were both good parents to you. That was a huge mistake on your part as you have told me many times. Time changes perspective. And he did get out and go on with his life.
“Besides, do you know what sex was like with your mother?”
Now I was the one to noticeably flinch. “Oh my god Dad, of course not! Don’t be disgusting. Although to be fair from what I hear, you, me, Mary & June, and Jason for that matter, are the only ones in the old home town that aren’t having sex with her right now.”
“Has it gotten that bad?” he asked. I just nodded my head slowly.
“Wow, well I guess she brought it on herself.”
“Yes she did. It gets worse Dad. You heard she retired right? Well she didn’t really. She was forced to resign in order to keep her pension. Apparently there were a lot of complaints from the younger male teachers in the district about her. Something about constantly asking them about the size of their packages.
“But what broke the camel’s back as it were, was the district started to get complaints about Mom hitting on numerous fathers of the school children. It was starting to get ugly I guess. Has June or Mary told you what is happening now?”
“No, and I’m almost afraid to ask?”
“Well according to them Mom is mostly a recluse but she does frequent a dive bar outside of town looking to pick up well hung young men. Mary has received many calls late at night from one of the few friends Mom has left. Apparently they would go pick her up out of the gutter. A couple of times it appeared that she had been beaten or otherwise debased if you get my drift.”
“Jesus Sabrina she is sixty-eight years old for god sakes…”
“I have no sympathy for her!” My dad was going to say something but I cut in spitefully. “And don’t give me that shit about her being my mom and she didn’t do it to me. Bullshit! She did it to her whole family. I’m never going to forgive her and she is never getting back into my life. So just save your breath or you’re liable to piss me off to the point I’ll cut you back out of it.”
“You’re joking?”
“Yes Dad, I’m kidding, about cutting you out anyway. I understand why you did what you did, but I still don’t agree with it. Look, even if Mom had been successful in turning us against you, you don’t think we would have figured it out at some point? We aren’t stupid you know.” I was getting angry with him again.
“You didn’t think we would be smart enough to sort it out? We wouldn’t have let her cut you out. Maybe when we were little but once we became teenagers you should have dumped the bitch. We would have chosen to live with you no matter what she said and you know it.”
“Look Sabrina, Your mother did a lot of good. As a life long educator she gave countless hours to improving her students’ lives. She donated 10% of her earnings to various local charities every month. And by your own admission she was a good mom to you.
“Have you forgotten what she did for your niece Gem? When that poor little girl was dying and desperately needed a kidney, she was a good match. She gave up a kidney for her without blinking an eye. People are rarely all bad or all good. Simpletons and young children are the only ones who see exclusively black and white.
“I know I am in no position to lecture you on morality, but I guess I just wish you would talk with your mom.”
“Dad, you and I are never going to agree on this one so let’s just drop it and move forward. I can see the gray in things. I finally came to see that about your decisions. But Mom’s? Uh-uh, no way.
“Let’s change the subject. We are just going round and round. I feel bad that you are still alone. There’s no reason for you to be lonely. You need to find someone.”
“I’m far from alone Sabrina and I’m certainly not lonely. I have my three daughters and eight grandchildren and Mary’s pregnant with twins. It’s a beautiful day and the whole herd is coming by because I told them I would take everyone to the beach. Ellery and Grant are even stopping by with their grand kids to join us later. Sometimes I can’t believe my good fortune.”
“Maybe now you see it as good fortune…” We were interrupted by the thundering herd of grandchildren running down the hall screaming for their poppy to take them to the beach.
JOHN
The whole gaggle started jumping onto my lap or grabbing and pulling on an arm or a leg. “Oh munchkins, I’m so old and tired I know I promised to take you to the beach, but it’s so far away.”
“Oh Poppy it is not, its right across the street! Stop teasing us and let’s go.” There were several high pitched screeches coming from the whole bunch of them. You know the kind with high enough decibel levels that damage old people’s ear drums.
“What? Someone moved the beach across the street from my house. I don’t believe it. Let me see.” I made a big show of grunting and groaning as I slowly pulled myself up from the chair and looked out the window. “Oh my gosh, it is right there! That is a lucky break for me huh? Well let’s get this show on the road then, shall we? Now everyone run downstairs and get your sun screen, towels, and toys. You know the drill.” I clapped my hands smartly three times. “Go now!”
After they scurried off Sabrina remembered what started our whole argument. “Hey I forgot to ask Dad, what was it that asshole Jason said that put you in such a good mood?”
I couldn’t help myself I was grinning from ear to ear. “As usual, he was asking for my advice. In this instance it seems that since he has reached his forties he is slowing down a bit, because his wife just moved her nephew into their spare bedroom.”
There’s no clear line between good and evil. Instead, the line is permeable; people can cross back and forth between it.
Philip Zimbardo, professor emeritus at Stanford University.