Trauma or Pleasure?

Perhaps I can use this platform as a way to finally move forward and tell my story while servicing the sexual indulgence of others. I’ve seen what’s offered online, I’m fully aware of every fantasy man and woman may be in tuned to. There are things I’ve seen, things I’ve done, and things I’ve been subjected to. A particular sexual and traumatic experience has left me searching for similar situations such as the one I encountered on July 11, 1990. I suppose it had opened something inside me that was never meant to be opened. I’ll always remember this day; it was then that I learned so much in so little time. This was a time before the internet, a time where children such as I were lucky to find Dad’s Playboy magazine hiding somewhere. Now; today a teenager is privilege to any dark and twisted fantasy he or she can think of, as easy as a click of a button. In 1990, I didn’t ask for this, but none the less it had befallen me.

I had just turned 18; my father was a military man whose services were called upon during Desert Storm. This left my mother brother and sister to continue on until the return of my father. My brother was 7 at the time, and my sister was just about to enter middle school. I remember my mother being quite disheartened that my father would potentially miss his daughter’s graduation. This was my mother’s first and only experience being solely responsible for us kids. She was certainly caught off guard and ill prepared for such a sudden event. During my father’s absence, we could see the toll it had taken on my mother. It appeared that she would overindulge on alcohol at times. She’d become quite strict when it came to us kids checking the mail. I remember she wanted no one to touch that mail box but her.

The incident I can finally speak of was set in motion upon my eagerness to respond to noises I had confused with crying. One particular evening, I remember hearing my mother making strange noises from her bedroom. I genuinely thought she was crying again. Sometimes when we’d return home from school, we’d catch her crying. We understood that she missed Dad and worried very much about him. However, this particular evening, she was not crying.

Her bedroom door was slightly cracked, I got out of bed with the intention of consoling my mother. However, upon opening the door, I saw my mother laying on the bed without any covers touching herself. At 18, this was my first time seeing a woman naked, before this incident, I had only seen a topless scene in a movie on HBO. The first naked woman I see, and it had to be my mother. I remember, I had a chance to turn around and go back to my room without being noticed. But seeing something like this left me partially frozen and in wonderment. At the time, I didn’t know what masturbation was, I had no idea why she was touching herself. For a brief moment, I thought she was in pain; however, it didn’t take long to realize that this was a pleasurable experience she was having. She was in fact using her fingers and sliding them in and out of her vagina. I remember that she was fully naked and laying face up with her legs spread. I couldn’t understand why she would leave her bedroom door cracked open. She did have pubic hair; it was nothing like we see in pornos. Her breasts were average size, I’d guess a C cup, I couldn’t be certain. The covers that she was laying on was wet, I thought perhaps that she had pee’d but later learned that it was her vagina that was extremely wet. I stared in astonishment at what my mother was doing, looking back on that moment, I can only assume that based on the sounds she was making and her heavy breathing, she was very close to achieving an orgasm. If she hadn’t opened her eyes and noticed me, she would have had an orgasm. Unfortunately, I had ruined that.

“Oh my God Kyle! Go to bed, get out!” Of course, I ran back to my room, got under my covers and pretended to sleep. It probably took me over an hour to actually fall asleep. It wasn’t easy processing what I had just witnessed, and as clueless and confused as I was, I was able to surmise that this was an intimate moment for her. I just hoped it would be something that we could just ignore and forget. The next morning during breakfast, it wasn’t discussed or mentioned. My brother and sister were getting ready for school just as I was. Therefore, discussing what I witnessed would be incredibly awkward. As I thought about what had happened, I quickly figured out that I would be home from school before my brother. My sister always had some kind of after school activity. I just knew my mother would want to talk about it then. I get home from school and sure enough, “Kyle come here, sit down.”

I assume you can figure out what happened next. I got the “TALK” from my own mother. At 18, I pretty much knew everything I needed to know. She asked if I knew what masturbation was. She asked if I’ve ever seen a naked woman before. She asked if I’ve ever masturbated before. For God’s sake! She asked me if I knew what semen was and if I’ve ever ejaculated! I’ve always known throughout puberty what masturbation was. It wasn’t something I was practicing yet. So, at that point in my life; no wet dreams and no masturbation. I’ve had erections in the morning and the occasional hard on, in class. However, at that time, I had yet to be sexually stimulated. My mother explained to me that when and if I masturbated, a milky white substance called cum would ejaculate from my penis. “No duh Mom!”

“You’ll think your peeing, but just relax and go with it. It’s perfectly normal.” I really wanted this conversation to be over. I was absolutely mortified. She asked me if I had any questions and needed any guidance in exploring my own sexuality. I got up and told my mother that I was good, no thank you. Afterwards, she apologized that I had to see that, and that she’d make an effort in closing the door from here on out. I never sensed any embarrassment from her part. I sensed something else, I actually became worried; more to come.

It was early July, backyard fun with friends, my brother and his friends. Slip n Slide, popsicles and Kool aid. It was a hot and fun day. My sister and one of her friends even came by later that afternoon. That’s when it happened. Seeing my sister’s friend; I’ll always remember her name, “Melanie”. Anyways, seeing her in her bathing suit triggered something, I instantly got a hard on. I was pretty good a concealing my erections; but at this particular moment, she saw it, my mother caught a glimpse. “Kyle, get over here! Kyle now!”

I marched through the back door and into the kitchen. “What Mom?” I had no time to prepare or process what was about to happen next. I was immediately caught off guard; It happened in an instant. My mother pulled my waist band, reached in and grabbed my erect penis. She pulled it up and close to my belly. She released the waistband and pretty much taught me that pointing my penis up and using the waist band to hold it in place was a viable way to keep your erection concealed. “Ok, Go back outside.” Once again, this was something I already was aware of, I had practiced this method in school numerous times.

I remember my sister asking what’s wrong. Something was in motion here, and I didn’t know how to feel about it. Let’s fast forward a couple of days.

I remember taking a shower one evening, like I always did in the evenings. My mother had come into the bathroom and removed the towels hanging up saying something to the effect of the towels being dirty. I remember arguing with my mother stating that I had gotten the towel from the towel closet and that I knew it was in fact clean. It was this particular evening that my mother seemed under the influence. She was acting sort of strange. When my shower had ended, I had no towel to dry off with. I yelled for my mother to bring me a clean towel. She entered the bathroom with a large beach towel. I stretched my arm out of the shower curtain hoping my mother would hand me the towel. “Kyle, get out here. Let me dry you off.” I immediately protested, “Mom, No!” We went back and forth, she wasn’t budging. In fact, she became the angry disciplinary mother. “Kyle, I said now! Enough of this nonsense. I’m sick and tired of you being so shy all the time.” Of course, reluctantly, I exited the shower. “Arms up. That’s a good boy.” I immediately responded, “Good Boy? Mom stop this; why are you doing this!” She continued to thoroughly dry me off, and that’s when she dried off my legs, going further and further up until she had her hand, through the towel, wrapped around my penis. She began stroking my penis, claiming she was only getting it nice and dry. This action instantly caused my penis to become erect. I was absolutely humiliated. I pushed past my mother and ran to my room. I did not come out for the rest of the night.

I knew the stress and my father’s absence was causing my mother to unravel. I was getting a crash course in sexual encounters, but I was getting the dark and twisted version. So, we had the incident where I accidently saw my mom masturbating, the backyard erection incident, the crazy dirty towels incident; now there was only one more before my life was abruptly transformed forever. This was the July 11^th incident.

I was wakened by my mother in the middle of the night. My brother was sound asleep and I don’t remember where my sister was, but I’m sure it was another sleep over she was having at a friend’s house. “Come here, quickly. Don’t wake your brother.” I knew this wasn’t going to be good. But on the other hand, I was so tired of constantly fighting off my mother and what seemed to be advances. She ushered me to her room and asked me “Were you and Jeremy out in the woods this afternoon playing?” Jeremy was my brother and yes, we were playing in the woods earlier. In 1990, it was considered cool to build forts. An I absolutely loved spending time outdoors. Activities such as these, I always included my little brother. “Why didn’t you tell me you were in the woods earlier today?” I responded by saying that I didn’t think it mattered. “Let me check you for ticks, come on now.” I knew what ticks were, I knew how to check myself for ticks, and made it very clear that I did not have any ticks. Can you take a guess how that argument went? Of course, she demanded, and I had no choice but to comply. I removed my clothes and threw them in a trash bag that she had ready; she was prepared. “Boxers too. Now!” She did inspect me; she ran her hands up and down my body looking for ticks. She lifted my penis; she cupped my balls and gave extra attention to that region. Her next action took me by surprise. She removed her nightgown, panties, and bra. She stood there in front of me, naked. “Mom, what are doing?” My mom responded by saying, “I may have ticks. You’re going to have to check me.” It was useless to fight anymore. She ordered me to lift her breasts, check her pubic region, she even asked me to part her labia. I didn’t know what a labia was. “your what mom?” She responded by saying “My labia! My pussy lips, push them apart and check me. I can’t do it myself.”

I just couldn’t help myself; it was an unintended response. I had an erection and don’t really know if I was aroused. What I mean is, I’m not so sure anymore if I was enjoying what was happening or if I had just given up the fight.

“Why is your penis erect Kyle? Lay down here, lay back.” A lackluster response, “Why mom, why?”

“Kyle, trust me.” She began stroking my penis, and it began to feel really funny, but good. I just couldn’t fight it anymore.

“Kyle, you remember our talk on semen and ejaculation? Have you ever had an orgasm?”

“No mom, no I haven’t.”

“Kyle, I’m tired of waiting, I’m going to show you how to make this happen. Lay back and just relax and let go. Please trust me.”

As she began to stroke my penis, I couldn’t help but close my eyes. I didn’t want to look. However, she demanded that I open my eyes.

“Kyle, I want you to watch this.”

“Mom, this feels really weird, you got to stop. I think I have to pee.”

“Let go Kyle.”

“Mom, please stop.”

“it’s ok honey, let go.”

In pure ecstasy, I had released my first round of ejaculate. I had what I now know as an orgasm. I remember sweating profusely and shaking. I was fighting this feeling that was overwhelming; all there was left to do was let go. It certainly felt like I had pee’d. My first ejaculation was very thick and it covered my chest and stomach. My mother wiped me with a warm towel and asked me again if this was my first orgasm. I told her how confused I was and that I wanted to go back to my room. However, our escapade was far from over.

As a teenager, I still had enough hormones and energy to maintain an erection. I suppose that at the time, I wish my erection had subsided. My mother immediately put her mouth over my penis and performed a sucking action while going up and down my shaft. I remember the throbbing feeling I had, I can remember ever seeing my penis this hard and erect before. My mother had completely lost all sense of judgment and morals. I was old enough to understand that I was being molested. I even knew at the time, that no one would ever know what happened. Who could I tell? Would they even believe such a story? After receiving a blowjob from my own fucking mother! My own fucking mother! She mounted me.

At 18, I was only 140 or 150 pounds. I was pretty slender. My mom however; I know she weighed more than me. She wasn’t big, but quite athletic. She had muscular thighs; I remember that. I would guess her weight being somewhere around 170-180.

Anyways, after mounting me, I never thought she had any intention of putting my penis in her vagina. At the time, I thought she’d want to kiss me and make out. I had envisioned a penis going into a vagina through the missionary position only; that was sex to me. At the time, it just never occurred to me that intercourse could be achieved this way. Never the less, she was straddling me, and I could feel something smooth, warm, and wet wrapping my extremely erect penis. For an instant, I was confused; but I quickly realized that my penis was in my mother’s vagina. Little was said by my mother, I remember a glazed look over her eyes. She had wrapped her hands around my wrists and held me down. I could tell that she didn’t want me to fight. I had no intention of fighting; my physical and emotional energy was spent. She continued moving her hips, up and down, up and down she continued. She continued sliding up and down my penis; and that’s when she said it.

“Oh God Randy, Oh my God.” Randy was my father. It would appear that my mother had completely snapped. As she continued to ride me, up and down, up and down; she blurted out “I’m Cumming!” At the time, I thought women ejaculated like men. Well, I suppose they do, still up for debate. Never the less, she had an orgasm and quickly collapsed onto me. She took notice to how aroused I still was, how my breathing had deepened. She wrapped her hands behind my neck and rolled me onto her. She quickly wrapped her legs around my body and refused to let me go.

“I know you can cum again baby, I know you can. I want you thrust into me baby. Do it now!”

“Mom please.”

“Come on, in and out, back and forth. Find a good rhythm and keep going. You can do it.”

How can I properly explain what I felt? Pleasure mixed with horror, mixed with this sudden awakening. I can’t explain why or how these events unfolded, but I was forever transformed. As I continued to thrust in and out of my mother’s vagina, I felt a familiar feeling, I felt the buildup. However, this time I wasn’t going to fight the release. I was going to ejaculate and maybe all of this would be over.

“I can feel you swelling baby, it’s throbbing! Can you feel it? You’re about to cum; let go baby, let go. You can cum in me.”

In those final moments, an undefined instinct or ravaging behavior had engulfed me, I don’t know why, but moments before my orgasm I unintentional stared suckling my mother’s breast. The combination of me sucking on my mother’s breast while swelling up inside her had caused a rare occurrence that isn’t commonly accomplished. It appears we both orgasmed simultaneously. As my body shot up, I again released an enormous amount of ejaculate into my mother. It still felt like peeing. As I came, I unintentionally moaned “oh mommy!”

Until this day, I wish I knew why. Why would I say that in that moment? Why did I say mommy? I was filled with joy, confusion, and terror. I was changed. She had finally released me; laying on her back, in a trance while looking up towards the ceiling. I didn’t even bother collecting my clothes. I decided to scurry down the hallway naked, back to my room, and put on another pair of clothes. I never slept that night. It was the beginning of summer, I had no school, and I wanted my father home just as bad as my mother did. I genuinely wanted this never to happen again.

Lying in bed that night, I knew it would be some time before my father returned from his deployment. As much as I wanted to fast forward to his return, I had to find a reasonable way to adjust and cope with my mothers new found lust for me. I had experienced my first orgasm and lost my virginity to my mother. I was afraid that there would be other firsts that my mother would want to engage in. I knew these actions would have to occur without my brother and sister catching on. I also began to think of doing camp outs with friends, going out more often, staying away as much as I could. It never registered in my mind that speaking of this or reporting this was ever an option. It was something that I would never do.

The incident left me always rewinding what happened; it caused me to question whether I was truly mortified or God forbid, intrigued. However, there would be another incident that would confirm my true feelings of how my mother took advantage of me, it would occur in a little under two weeks from the incident that occurred July 11^th.

Of course, my mother had continued to drink, indulging more and more. She was often seen passed out on the couch. In the past, I would help her to bed. However lately I just left her there to sleep. During these confusing times, I had developed a curiosity of consuming alcohol myself. There certainly was enough to go around, and I saw how it offered an escape for my mother. Perhaps it would allow me to comfortably register what I was being subjected to.

The next incident occurred in the middle of the night, again. And of course, my sister was engaging in yet another sleep over. I should have caught on that my mother would wait for her opportunities upon my sister’s absence. I suppose she never worried too much of my brother, these acts never woke him up.

I was awakened by the stench of alcohol and the stumbling in my room. She appeared to be more intoxicated as usual, and never even bothered with an excuse as to why she was in my room. She knew what she wanted and she also knew that any further explanations or excuses were unnecessary. If I truly did not want to be taken advantage of, I could have wrestled my way passed her; I could have even struck my mother with just cause. However, it was something I could never do. Her advances and sexual acts were that of a broken mother who was in pain due to her husband’s absence and always thinking the worst. I suppose the lack of effort in ending this charade was fueled by the pleasure I remember having upon my orgasm. The sense of intrigue appeared to mildly pique my interest, but not enough. I assertively made my protest known. I told my mother no. I made it clear that I wanted no part in her sexual deviancy.

Upon her entry is when I noticed something quite peculiar; something protruding from the front of her bathrobe. I was rather confused as to what was bulging from my mother’s robe. That night I learned of the kind of sex my mother and father were into.