Yeah, I get this shit all the time, like, “You must be a guy” or “You must be a lesbian” so I posted this little thing, and if you’ve already seen it, sorry. The problem is that most of you guys haven’t come across any Y2K girls yet. I’m Gen X.5, and wait ’til you see Gen XI. You think *I’m* badd? You ain’t seen NOTHIN! I teach them skating, they are like eleven or twelve now. In a few years, NO guy’s cock will be safe. THESE little girls are FEARLESS, and they know exactly what they want. They used to be so innocent, but after Monicagate, they’re like, “Miss Kristie, is oral sex where you talk dirty on the phone with your boyfriend?” and I’m like, “No, that’s PHONE sex. Ask your mom.” So anyway, here is the little thing I posted:
I saw a little boy walking down the street,
Dressed like a girl from his head to his feet.
He wore a little bra and little panties too.
I said, “Oh-oh, son, there’s something wrong with you.”
Come along and be my panty-boy,
Come along and be my panty-boy,
Panty-boy, panty-boy,
I’ll make love to you.
Okay, okay, I gotta, like, deal with these two rumors, that I’m a guy, or I’m a lesbian.
But first, in case the little poem upset any TV’s or CD’s or POTS’s among us, let me say FIRST, it was written by a friend of mine who is into it. He’s also gay, and I know the two don’t go together necessarily, but in Michael’s case, they do. Okay, so I’m not having sex right now, so sometimes I go out with Michael and we BOTH look at the guys who look at me. I don’t have to be wrestling Michael all night long, which is good because he is a wrestler, and so we can just relax and have fun. Okay, so, like, sometimes Michael goes out with me as “Michelle.” I mean, okay, he makes a GREAT girl, I mean he’s like sexier than I am. So like people hear Michael is on this date in drag, and then they see us, and Michael looks more like a girl than I do, so they figure I must be the guy.
Okay, okay, the lesbo stuff: Several of my good friends are lesbian, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, it just isn’t me. I think the rumors started at that slumber party. This girl Jenny said she had this lump in her breast so we were all feeling it. Jenny is, like, STACKED, and I was like, “I don’t feel anything, here, feel mine.” So she like, felt me, and she was like, “God, Kristie, you’re so small, how would you KNOW?” so I like got mad at her, and when I get mad I get REAL mad, so Jenny was like screaming and trying to push me away, and I’ve taken YEARS of TaiChi for my skating so I’m pretty hard to push, so like the other girls had to pull me off her and word got out Jenny and I were having a LOVER’S spat over Kelly, and if I WERE going to be a lesbian, I’d DEFINITELY do Kelly because she is, like, WAY cute, but everyone knows she’s Yvonne’s, and Vonnie really kicks ass if anyone fucks around with her bitch, I mean, even the GUYS are scared of her.
So, okay, like, my first time was like when I was (censored), I think. I mean, mom just got divorced and we moved to TEXAS, to IRVING, like where the Cowboys and Texas stadium are and all that, and I HATED it. I was going to this rink sort of behind Texas Stadium. I mean, in Chicago I was like, skating with Nicole Bobek and all these world class skaters and here there was NOTHING and dad and mom were fighting over child support so I couldn’t even afford a COACH. I mean, here I was, like the Junior Champion in my region, and I didn’t even have a COACH!
I mean, the rink was so HOT. Ice skating is supposed to be COLD, so I come out in my big “Bears” sweater and thick tights and everybody LAUGHED at me. I warmed up and did a couple triple toes and my triple Axel, and then everybody stopped laughing and started hating me. So the next day, I wear my short-shorts over my tights and a little black bra-top with my hair down. I mean, okay, I wasn’t TRYING to look hott, I was trying to stay cool, but Brian said the way my hair wrapped around my face when I jumped was totally sexy. Kinda risky, though. You skate out of a big jump, you’re like going backwards twenty miles an hour, and you can’t see jack until you get your hair unwound.
Young guys really miss the boat, you know? Where do they go to pick up girls? The video arcade at the mall. So who’s there? About a million GUYS, and they are ALL staring at the same two or three (censored) Video Vixens. I mean, they’re hott and all that, you know, underaged stoners, fake tattoos and real piercings but they are all fucking this guy Raoul who runs the place and gives them shit for free. Yeah, they are really going to go out with some (censored) year old wannabe.
Meanwhile, back at the rink, 50 beautiful, young, leggy, tight-assed, sex-starved teenage skater grrls are making eyes at the same six guy skaters, five of whom are gay. So like, Brian is smart, he’s in COLLEGE, he’s figured this out. He’s never even SEEN a pair of skates up close, but he’s seen skater grrls on ESPN, so he starts showing up at the rink, you know, tight jeans, nice buns, starter jacket. He’d just sit on the stands by the boards and watch, so all the girls are pretending not to notice, like, “Wow! Who’s he? Is he a coach? He’s hott! I think he’s Stacy’s boyfriend!” and Stacy is like, “NOT!”
Okay, so I am like real shy normally, ESPECIALLY around guys, but I’m FEARLESS on the ice, so like Brian is leaning over the boards watching, so I speed-skate over and hockey-stop him. A hockey stop is when you put your blade crosswise. If you are going fast and do it wrong, snow goes EVERYWHERE, and I am the BEST at doing it wrong.
So Brian was brushing the snow off, and I was standing there pretty pleased with myself. So he’s brushing snow off and he’s like, “You’re Kristie, aren’t you?” and then he smiles at me.
Ohmygod! He knows my NAME? I almost fell over! I’m like, “Yeah,” and my face is hot. So I’m not even skating, I’m just turning around, and I lose my edge, and *PLOP* I’m on the ice. I mean, I could take just anyone and put them on skates and push them out on the ice and they’d fall down more gracefully than I did. So then everybody is clapping and cheering and I want to crawl inside my skate boot next to my foot. So now I’M the one brushing off snow, and my tight little ass is sore, and wet, and when I look up, Brian is gone and the girls are like, “You sure impressed HIM, Kristie!” I didn’t care until I didn’t see him the next day.
Okay, so there is this coffee machine back by the chillers, and I don’t drink coffee, but it has cocoa too, so if I ever had any money I always had some after I got done skating. I had been working on my triples and everything hurt and I was a mess, ripped hand-me-down jeans, a torn shirt unbuttoned over my bra top, ripped running shoes I got in seventh grade, old canvas skate bag, my hair half in and half out of a bun. So I slide around the chillers and there is Brian, holding a cup of cocoa!
“Looks like you deserve this!” he says. “What was that last jump you were doing? It was so cool!”
So we sat down at one of the little tables where the Zamboni guy eats lunch and I explained that a flip is really just a toe-Salchow and it’s not hard except you have to change feet and get your assist foot around because you have to land on it. Brian was just listening and watching me with those sexy eyes and not saying anything and by the time I got done explaining about who Salchow was I realized how much I wanted his dick in my mouth and he never even said anything.
So while the poor wannabes were at the mall eyeing the Video Vixens and dropping quarters, Brian was out in his car dropping his pants for an extra-special, nut-popping, cock-draining swallow-it-all Kristie BJ. It wasn’t the first time I had blown a guy, but it was the first time I blew a guy I cared about, and afterwards he held me and I snuggled in his arms the way I used to do with dad, and I knew I wanted him to be my first.