Author’s Note:
This is a letter that I never got to send to my cousin. She passed away recently due to complications from previous issues she’d been living with. I don’t think it was COVID related, but I don’t know for sure. I decided to finish this anyway, because I know that she would want me to. A lot of it has been modified for past tense now, but I felt it would make more sense that way.
Disclaimers:
Unedited other than by myself and MS Word. This is non-erotic, so you might want to come back to it if you are in a good mood. This was just therapeutic for me more than anything.
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A Letter to my Cousin, Beth.
I don’t even know where to start. I will start by saying I miss you already. It’s been a month now, and I still want to check FB just to see what crazy shit you’ve posted. You were always a very bright light in my life, and I wish I had the chance to tell you one more time, that I love you.
Growing up nearly 2,000 miles apart, it was tough to really get to know you. We didn’t have the same opportunities to hang out and get into trouble, like I did with some of our other cousins locally. We got to see you and your family just a few times, whenever you’d make the trip to see us in Wisconsin, or that one time we all met in Indiana for our cousin Matt’s football game. That was a proud family moment for us kids, but looking back, I’m sure it was stressful for all our parents.
Growing up, you were so much cooler than me. According to the things my mom used to hear from your mom, there was no shortage of drama in your life. I always used to look up to my big cousin, thinking that this woman is out there. As I matured into my teen years, I would ask about you and your brother, always wishing we could see more of each other.
I broke down into tears, writing this. As I wipe my eyes, I can already hear you tell me another crazy joke, just to make me laugh instead of cry. There are no words to properly describe the kind of force you hold in people’s lives. You were always the rock, for your family in Texas, and to any of us on FB that couldn’t be there in person. You inspire me. I want to be the kind of parent that I always saw you as. Strong, opinionated and loving. These are just a few words that always come to mind when I think about you.
When everyone visited us here in Washington back in 2008, we didn’t get much of a chance to connect. It was great seeing everyone, and seriously, our kids were having a ball with yours. I think we were all too busy for you and me to have a real conversation though.
Thanks to social media, we’ve been able to forge a very sister-brother type of bond. I am forever grateful that we did. When my family spent the week with y’all (see what I did there haha) in 2018, it was great to be able to just sit and talk. I feel like we were able to really learn about each other, get to know the other at a deep level. I got to see the real you. It was amazing, thank you. I know that you loved having us, and if we could do it again, you would host us in a heartbeat. We would have done the exact same thing for your family. Your strength and love for your family were always visible, and I am sure that all your children will take that with them in guiding their care of their own families.
After everything that life has thrown at you, you just kept on kicking. If nothing else, that was one of the things I always think of when I think of you. Your life couldn’t have been easy. You were a very young teen mom in the 90’s, while I was just entering high school. Around the time I graduated and joined the Army, you had to deal with your husband and his suicide. I still can’t imagine the horror of having to witness that.
Then there was your mom and her cancer. That hurt you more than I can probably understand, until it happens to me. You showed the rest of us how to handle it. Your posts to her on FB after she was gone, showing that you loved and miss her still… She will always be in our hearts, and you taught us that lesson. Just as you will always be in our hearts.
Her passing was hard on me, too. I loved my aunt and am so thankful that we were able to see her when we visited for my Mom’s wedding back in 2006. I wish she could have been there when we came back recently. I’m sure she would have loved to see the kids all grown up.
I have had several moments where I struggled to think of a happy thought. I am not the kind of person that ever thinks taking my own life is even a possible solution, but I can understand the despair that some people might feel. There is always something to live for, but it can be very hard to see sometimes. I’m glad I had a strong person like you to lean on during those times.
This year has been so hard, you know that more than I do. From all that has happened in nature, to the mess with a pandemic, even the political climate, you and I were always able to trade a laugh at a funny meme. Our family has lost an uncle to cancer, a cousin’s son to suicide, and now you. Everyone needs a good laugh once in a while, and you were always good for one. Could you send me a new meme to laugh at now? Please?
As I sit here reminiscing, I have to smile, even if it’s with eyes that can’t seem to stop leaking. The connections we make in life are precious, and you were one of my strongest. We shared in each other’s struggles because that’s just how we rolled. Looking back, I wouldn’t have it any other way. The only thing I wish for, is more time with you.
My eyes have finally dried, so thanks for that by the way. I blame you. With your sense of humor, you’d likely tell me to have a drink, and I would say its noon somewhere. We will meet again, of that I’m certain. When we do, it’s party time!
I love and miss you so much,
Your Cousin
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This has been 100% self-serving for me, and I share it only because I know she would still want me to post it. If this reminds you of someone special in your life, you should talk to them today. Tell them how much they mean to you, because you never know when you won’t be able to. She had just turned 48 this year…