The party was for you. It wasn’t your birthday, in fact you had no idea that the party belonged to anyone, least of all yourself, but I’d only thrown it because I thought you might come. The first guests showed up in loud, staccato bursts before a steady stream flowed into my apartment. Each time the door opened I climbed a mountain, every time someone else walked through I tumbled back down. And yet, somehow I missed it when you arrived. I must have been in the kitchen, refreshing a drink or an appetizer or grabbing a towel to clean up a spill, but when I came back to the living room, there you were. Chatting with someone like you’d been there the whole time. Entirely unaware of what it meant to me. You saw me across the room and smiled, gave me a small wave and a look that said “I’ll catch up with you in a minute.” I smiled back, waved. “No big deal,” it said.
We kept missing each other. I’d catch your eye and I’d think, this is it. Tonight. I’m going to tell him everything tonight. But when I looked back for you, you were gone, off in a new conversation, engaging a new friend. Words drifted through one ear and out the other. Nobody noticed though, drunk people just like to talk, unconcerned with the absorption of much more than alcohol. I humored them, nodding at the right times and smiling whenever they did, but all I could think was that I needed to find you. To go somewhere alone so that I could explain. My heart was pounding, I emptied my glass and excused myself to pour another.
The guests started to leave. I was glad, I wanted them to go but each exit also left me terrified that yours would follow. It didn’t. You stuck around, started picking up cups, helping people find rides and waiting outside with them if they were alone. The ones that had overstayed their welcome finally said their goodbyes, and there you were. In my apartment. Just you.
You asked what you could do to help me clean up. I thanked you but told you not to worry about it, that I could handle it, and inside I screamed at myself for being such an idiot. You ignored me, thank god, and started to clean anyways. I was finishing up the dishes after you’d taken the last bag of trash out. You washed your hands in the bathroom, and in the reflection of the window above my sink I saw you approaching me to say goodbye.
I didn’t turn around. I was afraid that if I did I’d choke, that I would let you go without telling you. That I might say goodnight and lose you again. I thought if I didn’t turn around then maybe you wouldn’t leave.
You don’t ask if I need anything else, or tell me you are heading home. You don’t say anything at all, just move behind me, cautiously, quietly. Close enough that I could feel your presence even if I couldn’t see it. I notice that I’m shaking and I pray that you can’t tell. That maybe you’ll think I’m just cold. You kiss my neck, lightly, lingering. Your hand is on my shoulder. You kiss me again, brushing my hair away from the nape of my neck. I grab onto the edge of the sink, dizzy. My heart is racing and my eyes are closed. I feel your fingers move to the straps of my dress, slipping them off of my shoulders one at a time. You unzip the back slowly, letting the top of my dress fall down past my waist. In the window I watch your eyes, see them gazing at my breasts, my nipples, my stomach. I wonder if you can see my heart pounding, notice the way I lean a little harder into the sink as your fingers circle my areola, making the softly swelling skin tighten, rolling my nipple between your finger and thumb before pulling it. I moan quietly, I can’t help it. Your hand moves down my stomach to the dress gathered around my hips, following it down to my leg, bringing it back up. One little tug and the whole thing will fall off, leaving me half naked, clutching onto a counter, knees unable to support the storm happening inside of my body right now.
You tug.
You move your hand between my legs, and up to the waist of my panties. Your fingers run along the band, then downward inside of it, parting my lips, searching for an answer – how much did I want you?
In this brief moment I realize that my body is about to tell you what I never could. That you’re using the wrong word. That it was always need.
I inhale, hold my breath, wait for you to discover the truth. You move a finger along the wet fold, slide it inside of me and pull it back out. You exhale deeply, and lean your head against my back. You say my name. You understand now, and you turn me around to face you.
You look me In the eye, tell me that you’re sorry, that you should have known. You kiss me, run your hand through my hair, pull me to you. I kiss you back, becoming increasingly hungrier for it. I unbutton your shirt, stripping you with raw urgency, unable to hold back any longer. It’s like the clothing between us is all of time and I cannot take any fucking more of it. We are searching each other’s bodies now, with our hands, our mouths, our eyes. I need to get you out of your pants. We’ve already torn off my panties, your fingers are inside of me again and then they’re not, leaving slick streaks on my skin wherever you grab me. I need more.
I pull off your pants, your underwear. Sigh when I feel how hard and warm your dick is. How perfect it feels, and of course it is. I need you in my mouth. That word again, the one I should have never tried to hide. I kneel down and bring you into me, licking your head and your shaft, sucking your cock with the same urgency I stripped you with. “Jesus,” you gasp, closing your eyes and tilting your head back. I fit you in as far as I can, I want all of you. Like I could keep your body inside of mine if I just try hard enough. I still need more.
I grab your hand and pull you over to my couch, push you onto it. I straddle you, guide you between my legs, catch my breath that first moment you enter me. You hold my hips and watch as I lower myself, slowly, feel the warmth of my pussy enveloping you, the initial resistance as it discovers how much space your dick demands, barely allowing it at first, then gradually letting you take what you need and nothing more. The submission of my body to yours. I tilt your head so you can watch my face when I bring myself down all the way again, see how flushed I am, how much I love being filled by you. That I should have never been without it. You lean forward, grab my tits, bring them to your mouth, sucking and biting gently. I am riding you now, your fingers press into my ribs while I brace myself with one hand against the wall and one behind your neck. I close my eyes and when I can’t hold it in any longer, I let it go. Tightening my hand in your hair. Shuddering. Cumming around your cock.
You let me finish, tell me to get on the floor. I get on all fours, and you tell me to get lower. I stretch my arms out further, my breasts are close to the floor and my ass is raised. I’m vulnerable like this, you can see everything, but I don’t fucking care because I want you to. You enter me with your hands on my shoulder and on my waist, pulling me back as you push forward. You’re careful at first, you don’t want to hurt me. You start going faster, harder, pounding into me, my body shaking each time your hips slam against my ass. You turn me over, look at me while you fuck me. Ask me if I like it, if I can cum again. I whisper yes into your ear. Then I whisper yes again, because I can’t think of anything I’ve ever loved more and I’m already close. I tell you when it hits me, floored by how strong the sensation is even this second time. You feel me tightening around you and you cum hard inside of me, holding on to me like I might disappear if you let go. You push into me one last time, making sure you’re entirely empty.
You pull out, gently, a bittersweet departure, and collapse onto your back, sweating. Your body rising and falling like we just finished a marathon. I lie down next to you, put my head on your chest, my dark hair cascading down your skin. I listen to your heartbeat as we both slowly drip from between my legs. I kiss your collarbone, rest my head again as you wrap your arm around me. You speak softly. You tell me that you need me too. That you’ve always needed me. I pull you closer, nestle my head against your chest. It means everything to me.