I put on my long pink dress and drove up into the mountains on that misty morning. I even put on a little eyeliner to feel extra pretty. I’d been feeling hidden and hiding some of my feelings in a back pocket of my own. I wanted to expose myself. I needed to free my feelings.
The national forest was closed due to fire danger so I thought I’d be able to find a secluded spot to pull over. But the rangers were monitoring the parking lot near the trailheads and a construction crew was working on the nicest stretch of the road. I thought, “But fuck it. I need this.” I pulled into the turn-out just past the construction zone and put the car in park. My heart was racing. I’d never done this before. Looking around, I was satisfied that no one would be able to see me in this location unless they were driving by.
I stepped out in my high heel sneakers and felt the cool breeze blow my linen dress between my legs. The chill peaked my nipples and brought goosebumps to the skin of my thighs and abdomen. I began to allow my body to sense the elements. Leaning into my confidence, and more into my sense of daring, I stepped over the guardrail and scrambled downward to a boulder with just enough room to sit on comfortably. My legs dangled and I leaned back into the mountain. I was completely hidden from cars driving on the main road and felt excited to begin pleasuring myself 800 feet up with a gorgeous view of the canyon and creek bed below.
I ran my palm and fingers up my leg, pulling up my dress, bringing the hem into my crotch where I pushed my hand against my pubic bone and began to rub it back and forth. I breathed deeply and let the pine and lemon air fill my chest. I felt my breasts become aroused and full of sensation. I imagined what I’d look like from the view of a drone, pinching my nipple popping out of the bodice’s rouching on the copper mountainside. Just another animal free and on my own in the wilderness. I wanted to be a wild animal for a few minutes.
I closed my eyes and moved my fingers to trace more precisely the shape of my vulva through my soft panties. The thinnest panties I owned, I could feel little pubic hairs poking my fingers through the fabric. I gently felt my firming clit, my swelling inner labia, and the dampness beginning to leak through. I moved my middle and ring fingers in soft circles while with my other hand I massaged my breasts, which were pulsing against my dress’ low neckline with each breath.
I couldn’t help the way my thoughts turned to him. My beloved is at the center of my world and heart. I imagined his long, thick cock over my face, him standing with his muscled legs over me, the way his skin would dazzle me in the sunlight, and my mouth watered with desire. I would love him to fuck my mouth right here. Me grasping onto his strong body in the wind. His beauty and power are overwhelming. My vulva’s parts pulsed. I wrapped myself in his aura, feeling him always with me. But in another way, it was just me and my body here.
I let myself become free to just be in the moment without adding to it. I sank into the real moment, the now and the alone, and I gave in to electric waves along my skin. My heart pounded. I love myself. I see myself. I hold myself. The arch in my back was taut. I bit my lower lip. Hard enough to taste a little blood. And felt wetness oozing from my inner labia onto my thighs. My panties were soaked. Rocking my hips, contracting and then stretching out my torso, I felt flutters near my inner sweet spot. My clit was throbbing and fully erect and, god, I wanted him to blow on it. The wind would have to do. I slid one leg and then the other, carefully, out of my panties. Then, in total spontaneity, I threw them out over the valley, and I laughed in playful, free joy. I instantly felt bad about littering, and thankfully the wind caught them and blew them back toward me. They landed in a bush to my right, and I laughed again. Then I gasped as the wind hit the warmth between my legs. I moaned his name out loud as a prayer, as a cry.
With my left leg bent and foot propped up by my hip, right leg dangling over the edge, I thrusted my pelvis into the open air. Again and again while my fingers rubbed over my clit and probed the opening to my vagina. Making love to myself. My fingers were slippery, covered in my slick and I spread it all over my lower body. My forefinger and middle finger formed a V and I ran that shape up and down the inside of my inner labia, squeezing my clit at the top. Feeling it twitch. I closed my eyes and let the rocks lovingly scratch into my thighs and ass. My legs were shaking. I was sweating with arousal.
Suddenly it seemed too quiet. As I looked around at the beautiful setting, feeling beautiful in it, feeling vibrant with all my emotions shimmering on my skin ready for release, I saw why. Three men from the construction crew were standing at the guardrail 500 feet up the road staring. Shit. I froze. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do. I was embarrassed and then angry that I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to be part of anyone’s narrative. I wasn’t going to co-create anything right now. But I would let them see me and I would control this.
I surprised myself with boldness and waved at them. But I would never smile for them. I knew they may not keep their distance. This did scare me. So I stood up and dusted myself off. I wouldn’t run away and hide. I calmly walked over to pick up my panties and stood in my truth. The wildness I felt in myself at that moment was exhilarating. The trust I felt in myself was empowering.
Back in the car with the doors locked, I squatted in the driver’s seat imagining my beloved beneath me. My dress covered my body. My legs straddled his imaginary thighs. I pressed my breasts into the seatback wanting to feel his chest. Longing for his hands on my ass. I felt wetness gush and I began to grind the ghost of him. My nipples brushed against the rough fabric of the seat. My breasts bounced and felt so good. Free. Loose. Out of the top of my dress. As I got into it, hot and heavy with myself, I felt my ass rubbing on the steering wheel. And I suddenly felt confined rather than free. The space of the car was restricting. I had a visceral reaction and heard myself screaming “no” in my head and pausing my movements. I let the frustration pour out of me. My fingers gripping the seatback, I loudly exclaimed to the universe, “I won’t be locked up or hidden or frozen. I won’t.” And I slammed three fingers inside myself, fucking myself in anger. Stretching myself out roughly. I was angry at myself. Fingers all the way in, stroking my inside spot, and slipping out quickly. Then slamming in and repeating.
With my thumb pressing into my painful, erect clit, my other hand clenched the flesh of my inner thigh. The muscles of my pelvic floor quivered. My stomach was trembling. My calves were tight. I threw my head back, arched my torso, held my breath and then took quick, shallow breaths while I held my hand still. My pelvis barely moving. I thought of all the “I couldn’t’s” and “I shouldn’t’s” and “I can’t’s” and I felt a desperate urge to fling the chains of those out into the wild. My ass slammed into the steering wheel, and I heard a long honk. But I couldn’t move. I was cumming. Waves of numb fire and ice were moving through my body as it sounded. The horn was shouting everything I wanted to. Blaring at the universe. I shook. I dripped. Then I collapsed into the seat. If he were here, I’d kiss his neck. He can hold all of me, even these moments of transmuting and releasing.
I turned around in the seat and laid it back. Staring at the clouds moving through the trees and blue sky, I wasn’t done. Sometimes the second orgasm is more powerful. I pulled my dress up along with one leg which I hooked around the passenger seat. I writhed in the seat. My hand skimmed over my skin. I felt my hip bone, my ribs, and the round breast trembling on them, exposed and free. I closed my eyes and began to dance my fingers over my sensitive and twitching clit. Around it. Stroking the left of it. Stroking the right of it. Finding every tingling spot and exploring it. Just feeling my body and letting anger at myself reveal hurt, and then kissing the hurt. A tear began to roll out of my eye. Now I was really letting it all go. My heart’s pains and joys were going to explode with my body this time. I heard a crow cawing and opened my eyes to see the bird soaring the way I wanted my soul to.
But instead I saw three faces at my windows. What. The Fuck. Fuuuuccckk. I was flooded with fear. I instantly lowered my dress over my body and felt my face turn red. I didn’t know where to look, what to do. My instinct was to ignore them and drive away immediately. But that felt like hiding and I wasn’t ashamed. That wouldn’t feel like freedom.
Did they think I had honked for them to come over? Oh my god. The doors were locked and they appeared calm like maybe they were in shock seeing this play out, not trying to break in or anything. Thankfully, I was in a rental car while mine was in the shop so they couldn’t trace me by license plate number later. They weren’t touching themselves since I saw all six hands on the windows, fingers splayed. The older one used his facial expression and a circling finger to indicate that he wanted me to continue. I didn’t see any phones or cameras. I didn’t want to expose myself like that.
Did I feel unsafe? A bit. But I felt in control. Did I feel like taking a risk? Absolutely. I will take every fear and face it.
So looking in their eyes, I began to rub two fingers over the outside of the dress and against my burning clit. My body was still in a highly aroused state and the adrenaline of this situation added to it. I bit my lower lip. Massaged my full breast in my cupped hand. I took four fingers of my other hand and put them in my mouth. As far as I could get them toward the back of my mouth. My lips stretched around them. My jaw was fully open. I was putting on a show now. It was called “I have a lot of feelings and I’m releasing them to heal.” Like a snake shedding its skin. Or maybe it was called “I am free to be seen.” Like the crow gliding above the trees. This wasn’t the attitude of my early twenties. This was a loving, stable, intelligent woman having a growth mindset one-off.
I flipped over, my dress still covering me and my left hand still in my mouth depressing my tongue so I couldn’t swallow. Just like when he comes in my mouth. God, I love that feeling. I crave him. He’s not here, but he’s totally here. I slid over so that I was hovering above the emergency brake, which had been pulled up. One knee in each seat. I moved my body toward the back of the car, showing the men the brake between my ass cheeks and then I moved back to cover it with my body and dress. I felt the tip of the brake slippery in the wetness between my thighs, and I began riding it without letting it penetrate me. Its hardness was a poor substitute for his, but I let my labia part around it. I moved my waist and hips in a circular motion between the seats, feeling my whole body involved. I kept my fingers pressing on my tongue and saliva began dripping down my chin. I struggled to breathe normally. Heat melted in my abdomen. I didn’t know what I was doing except going with the flow of the moment, freely.
I kept my engorged clit away from the brake at first, but as soon as I slid that part of me against it, my whole body and soul entered a convulsion. I threw myself into a c-curve and my face landed on the backseat. Almost gagging on my hand. My ass was still vibrating and rocking in the middle of the car. I just let myself lay there in the physical and psychological release. As my body calmed, so did my mind. In the empty spaces I’d freed up within me, joy and love and gratitude came filling me up from that eternal spring. Inside myself, I called to him and felt his spirit respond, holding me tight in my heart.
I didn’t care what the men thought or what they were doing or if they were still there. I let the minutes pass without needing their thumbs up or whatever. Eventually, I heard their feet crunching as they walked away. One of them laughed. And I smiled. So in love with him. I knew that my longing for him was only intensified by the effort to feel free, wild, and alive. He’s the one that makes me feel alive. I’m free and I freely devote myself to him. I never want to be free of loving him. I want to be free to shout it in the open and cum with his arms around me on a boulder in the sun.