Obviously from my previous blogs, I am new to the world of BDSM and submissiveness. Hell I am new to just the idea of exploring my sexuality. It has always been something that I have been very avoidant with. I consider myself to be naturally submissive. It took me a long time to develop an awareness of this, to open my eyes and see me for me. I am aware that I have been completely out of touch with this. During my research, the submissive self really hit home for me. My blogs have been a record of my learnings and experience. Even doing the blogs has been challenging. To be so open about myself and my thoughts that I write it out, and then also share it with others. I would have never thought I could do this. I’m glad I did as it has been so very helpful. There have been some actual hand on sexual experiences shared in the blogs, but for the most part that has been limited. My plan is to discuss my growth as I explore my sexuality, especially with my submissive self. Including my actual active progress being dominated as a submissive. While research and thoughts are helpful, there is nothing like the real thing, the real experience to learn from.
Recently, my partner and I had what I would consider our first real active move towards BDSM fucking. And it was an absolutely amazing experience. It was very different from anything we had ever done before. I feel that this was due to me allowing my submissive side to take over. I have never felt more comfortable with myself and so much loving passion towards my partner. There were a lot of things that I learned from the experience. A lot of things that addressed some of the questions and concerns that I have had through this sexual exploration process.
As I have been on this road I have discussed a lot about submissiveness. How I have felt this was very much a part of me and my brief experience with it, allowing to feel more in touch with myself and comfortable with myself and partner. Yet this was the first time I ever felt that it was truly tested. Honestly there were thoughts behind the scene of my mind, areas of concern. A question, is this truly what I want. Is this truly who I am? When the time came for true submissiveness, would I be able to take it, to move with it as a wave of pleasure? Prior to this, all I had to go on was brief episodes of power and impact play. And a bit of dom/sub outside of bedroom with my partner. But I knew that a time was going to come where I would get a real taste for submissiveness. A time where I would get clarification if this me. And I am happy to report that I am very comfortable with my submissive side.
One of my main concerns, as discussed in a previous blog, was the pain tolerance. Could I experience pain and be submissive? And does ‘intense’ pain work as a turn on for me? Is the pain to turn into pleasure for me even at high amounts? I think it is natural for someone to have questions, concerns, even doubts when looking at a huge life change. While I have been in the process of this change for about a month now, it is still very new. So questioning is natural and even healthy. And added to that, I have my partner to think about. When we move towards more lifestyle changes, would he be comfortable with this? Would he like the changes and new roles? Well our most recent play clearly demonstrated to me that this was not of concern, and he appeared very satisfied and comfortable with our new changes. There was no look of concern on his face, just excitement and pleasure. His instructions were clear and response to them was very timely. Yet, he was also attentive to my response to this as we went.
At first it appeared to be a regular blowjob set up by my partner. I walk into a room and he is naked on the bed, then instructed me to suck his cock. I began to do so with excitement. Then things shifted. Shifted in a direction that I had never seen before. I was amazed at just how natural the changes were. I saw no hesitation from either of us. My only concern, outside of absolute sexual pleasure, was how do I do what my dom was asking for? When commands were made, the only focus was making sure that I understood the instructions and figuring out how I could do them. Some of the tasks required some significant effort to follow. But I was excited for the challenge and to be able to satisfy him. I found pleasurable satisfaction from so many factors in our dom/sub fucking.
While making him happy was the primary source of pleasure and focus at first, the second runner up was the pain being inflicted. Some of it at times I felt as if I could barely stand it, yet that made it even more sexual for me. There were various sources of pain, each with their own reaction from me. Of course there is the smacking with the rope. I love this due to the uncertainty when it will hit, the surprise it gives with the various intensities it distributes, and the sharp snap it makes as it hits. It provides a very severe dose of pain for a short duration of time. While the pain does linger a bit, the intensity of the pain reduces very quickly. This makes it easier to tolerate, helpful, especially since I am new to this.
Another source of pain surprisingly was the magic wand. It was insertion of it into my pussy, the very tip of it, as the rest is mechanical and not to be inserted. While it is wide, it is not really all that wide. So why did it hurt? It is wide and not tapered to be inserted. Most things to be inserted are tapered at the top. Like the shape of a dick, smaller at the top then gets larger at the head. So despite the fact that I was horney as hell and lubed up, my body was not use to having something nearly flattened enter into it. So this was a quick painful stretch of my pussy. In addition to that, the magic wand was on vibrating the whole time, shaking the damn thing all of the place. This was making the stretching even more intense. Once again though, the pain turned into pleasure, creating this intense confusing swirl of physical reactions. Due to the mix of pleasure and pain it is hard to say what was causing my physical responses. But there was a lot of responses. Looking back on it I must have appeared to be having a form of seizure. My body was all over the place, so long as it did not interfere with the instructions I was given.
Most of the time I was on all fours, with my pussy facing him as he sat down and played. I made sure that I did not move my back knees from their position, but my back was all over the place. My hands were almost always on the bed, but changed their placement all over the place. Sometimes my back was straight then other times I was lending forward to various extremes. Movement just depended on the amount of pain and pleasure I was receiving. This consisted of the rope smacking, the magic wand insertion, and the magic wand consistently against my clit.
Each time the pain was inflicted, it sent a pulse of energy through my entire body and clit like lightning spreading. So when I had a brief thought questioning if I can take more, my brain kicked in begging for more. While initially my body would respond towards wanting to get away, forcing myself to stay allowed me to open up the door to the pleasure. And after that staying was no problem. I even found myself leaning into the pain as it was immediately turned into pleasure. The apprehension waiting for the pain was exciting, not knowing exactly what was coming, when it would hit, or at what intensity. The only time my brain snapped up was the whipping of a rope on my back kept hitting literally the exact same damn spot on my back. It did this for an extended period of time. After a while I recall thinking “how is that damn thing hitting the same fucking spot out of my whole back.” LOL
Of course, the actual physical sexual touching of my body was also sexually exciting. Each vibration on my clit sending pleasure radiating through my body. Each insertion in my pussy sent out an internal scream for more. Having things inserted into me is an amazing feeling, to feel the pressure, to feel, the fullness. It is also special as it is very personal, it is in my body, my being. I think the importance of power of that gets lost. Using the magic wand against my clit and pussy is a wonderful feeling as well, very satisfying. It is the easiest orgasm I can have. Also an orgasm that I can’t seem to stop, despite being told not to have an orgasm. Ya, I failed at that one. And I paid for it with some rope whipping on my back. Ya, that is the one that kept snapping at the same place. Definitely a punishment. So I have learned that orgasm postponement is going to be an extreme challenge for me. The process is just such a turn on.
A serious lesson learned is that if you are using bondage, be sure to adjust it regularly and take breaks to allow the sub to stretch. We did not do that. Honestly I was too caught up in the moment to think about it. My wrist were cuffed to my ankles. It worked out perfectly as I presented myself backwards so my cunt to my dom facing him. This allowed for him to play with me how he saw fit. I stayed in this bondage for a long time. Once the cuffs were undone, I was in an incredible amount of pain in my hips and knees, from being in that position for too long. This is something I have read about and even wrote about. But in the moment, we spaced it. At that point I was no longer able to follow the dom’s instructions and he had to put me on my back to finish fucking me. This was good, as it relieved the pressure from my hips and knees. I was disappointed that I was unable to complete what he wanted. It is important to note that neither my partner nor I was aware of the pain that was going to come from having the bondage on for such a long time without stretching. I was not in any kind of pain or discomfort until they were removed and I began to stretch. As I said, it taught us the importance of caring for the sub in the process, and stretching out the limbs from the bondage regularly. A hurt sub is not a good sub.
The best satisfaction of the entire night was watching my partner have the most intense orgasm I have ever seen him have. It was beautiful. An orgasm that is so powerful it rocks every part of his body. Knowing that I was able to make him that happy, assist him with that amount of pleasure. It was better than any sexual rush I could ever feel. And my instant thought was I can’t wait to do that again for him. -Heather-