The Siren

It was a Monday that killed me the first time. Monday, 19th of January.

I came home from school, third year elementary. The house was empty. My mom was there usually, but not that day. Something was off, but I didn’t know what. I fixed a sandwich, ate, did my homework. No mom. Turned on the TV. Watched the news. A tragic accident. A bus hit a car. Not many details. Went to bed. Dad finally showed up. Woke me up. That tragic accident on TV, that was her. That was my mom.

That was my mom.

My mom.

M y M o m.

M

Y

M

O

M

.

.

.

That was the first time I died.

*********************************************

The finality of the grave has a cathartic effect on the individual. It helps one understand how futile everything is. How vanity is, indeed, vain. There is absolutely no chance of anybody making it out of life alive. We will all perish some day. So why the hell bother with bullshit?

If life gives you onions, start crying. Or make onion rings.

The grave made me who I later became. A recluse, an antisocial kid that took shit from absolutely nobody, that kept to himself, that cried every night asking for his mom. Begging for her to appear just once, so that he would properly let her go. That night never came, and that kid grew into a recluse teenager who didn’t have any friends, but enemies were too scared to show themselves. That kid didn’t give a shit if he survived a fight, and that made him a beast. The few times someone tried to bully him, the kid went into the fight as if he wanted to die. Guess what? He actually did. Dying was the easiest way to finally meet her. The bullies understood pretty fast that the most fearsome opponent is the one without fear – and that kid was absolutely fearless. And scary as hell. No matter how strong or how many his opponents, he went in for all, not caring how much he got beat in the process. He felt no pain, only cared to kill. He got pretty close to that with three school athletes who were hospitalized after being brutalized by a berserk middle school kid on a rampage. Nobody fucked with him after that.

Nobody.

No friends. No foes.

All good in the world.

*********************************************

I was a freshman in high school when I first saw her. She was so beautiful.

I never talked to her. I talked to nobody, and nobody talked to me, so that included her as well. She had surely heard the rumors, so she tried her best to keep her distance, and I accommodated.

As time passed, she showed her true colors. She really was an evil bitch. A snobbish piece of shit that thought her shit didn’t stink. But she was brutally beautiful. Everybody licked her feet and she shat upon them without shame or remorse. She had the looks of an angel and the soul of a demon.

I gave her a nickname which only I knew.

The siren.

A mythical being that seduced men by her voice and then ate them. Although, to be fair, this particular siren chewed the ass off everybody, not just men.

We never spoke to each other, and that was good for me. At least she acknowledged my existence by not acknowledging it, and that was fine.

It would have been great as it was. But humans must always stir the shit pot.

********************************************

I knew that my dad was seeing a woman. I didn’t know who she was, but I was happy for him. He used to be so miserable. Now, at least there was one of us that was getting a semblance of OK. I knew that he never really got over Mom, but he needed to move on since I was there and I did need him. That woman, whoever she was, did good. He seemed much better, and so I was relieved for him. I was mature enough to understand that he didn’t betray my Mom. She was dead and he was alive. There was nothing anyone could do about that. He grieved her loss all the time. He deserved a break. If that woman could do that for him, then so be it, no problem from me. I think that my stance about this was something that he appreciated.

It was the first Saturday of October in my junior year that he broke the news to me. He was willing to marry that woman. It was a bit sudden but, deep down, I half-expected that. She was going to come to our house for dinner the following day, a ‘meet the family’ gathering. I saw his face smile, and his eyes shone. He really seemed to care for that woman.

I cared for my father. He was a wounded soul like me, and if it wasn’t for me I know his life would probably have ended long ago, by his own hand. Yes, he loved my mom that much, and her loss completely destroyed him. But he had to care for his only son, me, and I in turn gave him a reason to live. Each of us was all the other had left in this world. I wanted him to be happy, so I decided to help make this work as well as I could. We started making our house presentable on Saturday and spent the early part of Sunday preparing the meals, not a small feat. We finished with everything just in time for me to take a shower before she arrived.

And then *they* arrived.

She was not alone. She had a daughter.

Her.

The siren.

When we saw each other, both of us had the same reaction. Our faces drained.

“Beth, this is my son, Bobby!” said my super-enthused father. I woke from the shock and wore my best smile.

“Glad to meet you, ma’am!” I said, offering her a handshake, which she gladly accepted.

“This is my daughter, Nadine!” she said with pride, presenting her offspring, the official school tormentor.

“What a beautiful young lady!” said my father, full of wonder. “She most definitely takes after you!”

“And, if I may say so, Bobby is quite the handsome young man! Girls must be very fond of him at school! Right Nadine?” replied Beth. She was truly a very sweet woman. How could such a dear sweet thing bring such an utter harpy to this world?

Nadine and I just kept staring at each other, and she never answered, so to break the awkward silence, my daddy took initiative.

“Please come in! The meal is about to be served!” he said, clearly very excited with the whole thing. I really wanted to cry out-loud. I mean, what are the odds?!

“Mom, can I please talk to you for a second?” said Nadine to her mom and took her aside. They started the signature female whisper thing, which in their case was easily audible from where I stood.

“Mom! What have you done?! You paired up with the father of the school psycho?!?” asked an almost hysterical Nadine.

“What? What are you talking about?” asked Beth.

“Bobby has a nickname at school. You know that nickname, mom?” she said, at the verge of crying.

“No, baby! Tell me!” said a very alarmed Beth.

“They call him ‘the Killer’, mom! ‘The Killer’! You know why? Because he beat up three students almost to death at Emory last year! My God, mom! What have you done?” said an almost crying Nadine.

“Oh my God! He is that young man that took on three bullies and sent them to the hospital last year, isn’t he!?” replied Beth. Nadine nodded. “My love, I know all about that incident, except for who it was! He was attacked by three members of the football team. They later admitted to having no reason other than to bully him. Not only did he manage to not get beaten up by no less than three assailants – and athletes at that! – but he also managed to incapacitate them! I can tell you with absolute certainty that he was not at fault. If his Dad and I get married, you will have a true lion of a step brother! I am so happy now!” said Beth, and hugged a shocked – and at the verge of crying – Nadine with so much joy. I thanked the universe that my father found such a great woman as Beth. Simultaneously I absolutely did not want to be Nadine’s step-brother.

Why, one may ask. Well, two reasons.

One is because I hated her guts. Thank God, that was reciprocated.

The other is because I thought she was the most magnificent creature on this Earth. Alas, there was no way that this would ever be reciprocated. Hell, it wasn’t even true. I was not God’s most magnificent creature. She was.

Still, no matter what, I just couldn’t hurt my dad’s chance at happiness, so I let the whole thing slide. Surprisingly, so did Nadine. The whole thing went super smooth, without a hitch. We avoided talking to each other as much as possible. Our parents understood that us being classmates meant that we had communication protocols of our own, hence left us largely at peace.

********************************

Monday at school was weird. Nadine was pretty much her usual self, but stole some glances my way. So did I, at moments I thought she didn’t see me. Of course she knew, but pretended not to, as did I. After the last class, she deliberately waited until everybody but us two were left in class. She left first. When I got out the door, she was waiting.

“Um… Bob, I need to talk to you…” she said with a very cautious manner.

“OK”, I told her. We silently walked out of the school building to a secluded area.

“My mom sees your dad very seriously. She cares for him a lot and wants to marry him,” she said.

“Great.”

“Does your father feel the same way about her?” she asked.

“I think so, yes. He seems quite taken by her. Understandably so, she is incredible,” I answered.

She looked at me funny.

“So, you don’t have any problem with this? You are OK with your father marrying another woman?” she asked me.

“… What? ‘Another woman’? Nadine, that’s your very own mom we are talking about here, not just ‘another woman’! You talk funny, I mean… you dissing your own mom as suitable woman for my dad? Or you want me to do that?” I asked her. She didn’t say anything, or change her expression. “Look. My mother has not been alive for years now, and both of us have been grieving all this time. He deserves to be happy. He is a good man, and a great father. I truly love him and hope to be half as good of a father as he is, one day. So I want him to be happy. Your mom is super cool and seems to make him happy, so sure, why not,” I replied, to a wide-eyed Nadine. “Why? You don’t approve of my dad?” I asked her.

“N… No, no, I have no problem with him. He seems nice. And I think my mom really sees him seriously too. It’s just that…”

“What?” I asked her.

“If they get married, we will move together.”

“Yes, I suppose that is the natural outcome.”

“Do you really want to move in with us two?” she asked me very cautiously.

“I have no problem with that, as long as we all know each other’s boundaries and respect them. Is there going to be a problem?” I asked her.

“Well, actually, there is. I… I don’t want to live with you and your dad! I like my life the way it is. I don’t want any of this. Besides, it just feels wrong,” she said.

“It feels wrong? Why?” I asked her.

“Dad died five years ago. It all is too fresh. How can she marry another man? And, no offense to your dad, but he doesn’t compare to mine on anything!” she said with a defiant look.

What the hell???

“Wow. Now, wait up. This is my dad you are talking about! I won’t have anyone talking shit about him! And that includes you!”

“No, you don’t understand…” she tried to interject.

“Oh yes I do! There is literally nothing NOT to understand in all this bullshit you just said! I don’t know who the hell you think you are or who you think I am, but I can guarantee you one thing: I ain’t anywhere near stupid!” I said with a tone of voice that didn’t leave much room for debate, so she wisely shut up. So I continued.

“Look, Nadine. What you want in your life is your own business. That doesn’t mean *shit* for the value of the man that is the world’s greatest father, to me at least. He has been the one person to always have my back, no matter what. He has been there for me every single time, helping me in every way he can, while grieving the loss of my mom, the love of his life. I imagine that your mom went through the exact same thing with your dad and also that you feel the same way about her as me about my dad. At least you should! The similar situation thing is actually one of the many reasons why I truly like her. They seem very compatible, and also seem to handle things in a similar way. So, excuse me, but I don’t give a *rat’s ass* if you don’t feel my dad worthy of filling the void of your father! Which, by the way, is such a fucking asinine and staggeringly shitty thing to say, both for my dad as well as for your mom and of course your very own dad as well! The depth of shittiness and pettiness and… and utter childishness that you exhibit here is absolutely phenomenal! If you spoke as a fucking adult, you would most definitely acknowledge that nobody, absolutely NOBODY can fill the role of a dead parent! There is only one of those, and that’s that. Your mom will *never, ever* be my mom. That would be so unfair on so many levels to everyone involved, most of all her! However, I absolutely DO accept her for who she is, a fantastic lady, and if she makes my father happy, that is all that matters to me. If my dad makes your mom happy, and he most definitely *is* a fantastic man, then that is *all* that should matter to *you* too! You hear me now?” I said, with an increasing level of getting pissed.

“Yes, I understand,” she said. “I didn’t mean to belittle your dad…”

“It sure as hell seemed that way! Tell you what: if you don’t like the whole shebang, talk to your mom and ask her to cancel the whole affair. But don’t expect me to kill my father’s happiness because it doesn’t fit your agenda! And, if you love your mom, you shouldn’t either, for your mom’s happiness. They both are super cool people, and they deserve to be happy. If they can make each other happy, then that is the only thing that should matter to you at this point, and not some petty shit like what you are spewing!” I replied.

“What? Petty? So my happiness is petty? Is that what you are saying?” she said, pretty annoyed.

“Let me be absolutely clear here. I care about my dad’s happiness, as long as I am not miserable. As long as he is happy and me not in the shitter, I am happy, cause I am happy for him. I don’t give a flying fuck about anyone else’s feelings but for his and mine – and make no mistake, that includes yours too! Since your mom is good for him and makes him happy, I am fine with her. In fact, I am so happy for him, and by extension, for her too, that I will even, lo and behold, tolerate your goddamn sorry ass! Imagine that!”

She looked at me as if I had two heads, fuming and ready to pounce. No time for that though.

“As for your personal agenda,” I continued, “your happiness is that, your happiness, a.k.a. your own goddamn business, most definitely not mine! The level of self-centered shit that you are happy to push to other people’s faces to achieve this ‘happiness’, now *that* is petty! Don’t confuse the issue. I would most definitely be even happier than a pig in shit if I didn’t have to put up with your damn face ever again! But I won’t force my dad to break up with your mom just because you make me wanna vomit with the shit you are saying, so I will swallow this bitter pill. I’ll take one for the team, so to speak,” I said.

“What did you say, you…” she said, ready for a fight.

“Don’t even go there! Cut it out now, before this goes really, really bad. As I told you, if you don’t like the whole thing, talk to your mom and tell her that you are allergic to us. Maybe she’ll listen to you, who knows.”

“I have tried, but she won’t listen. I don’t want to move in with you and your dad. But she doesn’t care what I think or how I feel,” she said angrily.

“She is your mom, for crying out-loud. She is the one person guaranteed to think of your feelings. If you resent their relationship so strongly, talk to her. Maybe she can find a solution that won’t affect you as much,” I replied, trying very, very hard to keep myself from decapitating her at that very instant.

“She just won’t listen. She said that I have to see the broader picture here, and it would be for the best. All I see is that I would be stuck in a house with a man that isn’t my father and… and…”

“…me” I interrupted.

“Yes, you!” she said.

“OK, so who is the bigger problem? My dad or me?” I asked her.

“What do you think?! You! Of course you! Of all people in the school, she had to choose the father of the…” she said, biting her own tongue trying to not say what she wanted to.

“Killer? School Psycho, if I remember correctly?” I asked her. Her face went ashen.

“Yes, I heard your little talk with your mom. You hiss-whisper louder than you talk, so I couldn’t help it, really. Thank God she knew about the incident. Is living with me that repulsive to you?” I asked her.

“What do you think?” She answered back. “If word about this goes around the school…”

“What? What would happen?” I asked her.

“It would be a disaster!” she said, almost to the verge of crying.

I was officially angry now. So I did the one thing that would show this best. I laughed my ass off, and she was absolutely fuming. When I got my wits together, I responded.

“Listen, Nadine. I don’t know what the hell is your beef. But I will say one thing. If, God forbid, your mom does the right thing and gives zero fucks for your asinine childish shit and does well with my daddy and thus we end up under the same roof, there is only one rule to adhere to. Actually, a very simple one. You wanna hear it?” I asked.

She didn’t move a muscle. So I continued.

“Don’t fuck with me and I won’t fuck with you. Fuck with me and I will fuck you up.”

She opened her eyes wide.

“There. Is it simple enough for you?” I asked her.

“I will talk to mom tonight. This cannot happen. It absolutely cannot happen!” she said half-crying, and left in a hurry.

Tough shit, I thought.

******************************************

Of course the wedding did happen, no matter what Nadine said or did. It was a very simple ceremony with just a handful of participants: the happy couple, Nadine, myself and a very few friends. I am not sure anyone in town really noticed that these two people actually got married. For my part, I was happy for my father and for Beth who turned out to be even cooler than I thought. Nadine was literally grieving. After the ceremony and the pretty modest festivities, we all went to the house where Dad and I lived, to discuss the living arrangements henceforth. Nadine was being a total brat. She hated everything. Her room was shit, the house sucked, the paint on the walls was bad, the carpet was moldy. She was just being impossible, and that soured my mood. I was relieved when they left to go to their house for the final night there.

U-haul brought their stuff the very next day in the morning. It was thankfully a very busy day, so none of us had time or the energy for bullshit. All in all, their stuff fit along ours just fine. Of course, Nadine never let anyone near her shit. She insisted that nobody touch anything, which had the inescapable effect of having her stuff becoming a big pile in the middle of the living room without her having any way of taking it into her room without some help. The happy couple was busy unpacking stuff in dad’s old room, now theirs, which left only one possible helper with Nadine’s stuff: me.

This is when it really dawned on her that this was for real. She started hyperventilating and ran out of the house crying.

I kinda felt sorry for her. And, of course, the male thing: a damsel in distress has us by the balls. My initial reaction was to follow her, but then I thought better, and decided to let things be. I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. She returned shortly afterwards, having taken control of her functions. She gazed at the mountain that was her things with a desperate expression. I went near her things and asked her:

“I’ll help you get them to your room. You unpack them, alright?”

She just looked at me with a pained expression on her face, and nodded.

I started lifting the stuff and moving it. She seemed to get out of her trance and started unpacking, while I brought in more boxes. In a few hours, it was all settled.

“Th… Thanks… for the help…” she muttered.

“No problem,” I said, and went to my room, really tired. I barely made it to change clothes and fell asleep like a log.

******************************************

Nadine had a huge problem with herself and me appearing to have any association whatsoever, so she insisted that her mom take her to school, alone. I just took my bike, so for all effects and purposes we appeared as alien to each other as ever. We had zero interaction in school and zero interaction at home. Then my dad bought me a car, and Beth decided that since I went to school, I should alleviate the burden of her having to drive her daughter to school every day.

“Beth, Nadine will probably hate the idea,” I told her.

“Why on Earth would you say that?” she asked in a mixture of love and alarm, a combination mothers worldwide have down spat.

“She wants to stay as far away from me as possible. To be honest, I am fine with that,” I answered.

“Bobby, is there something you are not telling me? Do you have a problem with my daughter?” she asked me.

“Beth, she is the one with the problem, not me. I have no problem either taking her with me or not. It is one and the same to me. But she doesn’t really want to associate with me, either directly or indirectly, so that won’t work well,” I replied. “If you want more info, just talk to her, I am sure she would be happy to inform you. By the way, Nadine was dead set against us all living together from the start, and her greatest problem is basically me, so that you know. Just to warn you.”

Beth took a pensive look.

“Bobby, she is my daughter and I love her to death. You haven’t seen her as I have, the sweetest little angel. When Jim died, she was devastated. I was too, as I lost the love of my life – I mean before I met your dad. But she lost her father. She was lost. She created all this… nonsensical behavior just as a means of survival, to cope with the pain. I was afraid that you would be the same as her, against me and your dad, but I happily found out that you are a true blessing, so amazingly mature for your years! I am sure that your love for your dad is the reason for that, and I am so grateful that you have accepted both me and my daughter in your life, and I cannot but love you even more for it! I am so lucky and happy to have you in our family! Please, I beg of you, please, have patience with my daughter. She is so much better than what it looks like. Please, believe me!” she implored.

“Beth, I think that you make my dad happy, and you are super cool, so I am happy for the both of you. Nadine though, she has to figure out stuff on her own. I will be patient with her, but she will have to do the work, not I. I accepted both of you from the start. She cannot accept me. Or this, the whole thing. The work, I am afraid, is hers, not mine. But I will be patient, as you ask,” I told her. She hugged me, brought my head down and kissed me on the forehead.

“Bobby, I have one more request from you, although I really don’t have that right.”

“What?”

“You are a wise young man. You have matured way beyond your years. Somewhere in that shell she has created, is the beautiful angel that I have known. All I am asking you to do is to… to protect her.”

“Beth, I…”

“Please, Bobby. She is all I have left in this world. Her behavior is bound to create enemies. I don’t want to lose her! I don’t know what I will do if something happens to her! I…”

And she cried on my shoulder. I hugged her and tried my best to comfort her. I understood exactly what she was saying. No matter how bitchy Nadine was, she was her daughter, and she loved her as a mother would. She would indeed be devastated if something happened to her. Hell, even I would be devastated. Who are we kidding here.

“Beth, you didn’t even need to ask me that. I’ll do my absolute best to protect her. I will do everything and anything in my power to keep her safe, as long as I am close enough to actually be effective. I give you my solemn promise,” I said to her. She cried on my shoulder, saying ‘thank you’. If Nadine had one percent of human as her mom, she would be a Saint. My daddy chose very wisely indeed.

**********************************************

The only way for the whole driving thing to pan out OK without a nuclear holocaust was for Nadine to obtain her driver’s license and drive her own car. Beth refused to even discuss buying Nadine a car, but she would let her drive her own while the rest of us would juggle the use of the remaining two vehicles, dad’s and mine. Driving did not come naturally for Nadine; it took a lot of practice to get to a point were she wasn’t dead anxious about parking or switching lanes. In the end she made it – barely. And then she started driving her mom’s car, without any major accidents thank Goodness, and we did the juggling thing and all was OK in the world. All of this lasted until Beth demanded use of her own car for work, and as she was in real estate, she didn’t really have steady hours. So Nadine was left car-less, and we were back to square one.

Beth was the one to break the news to her that I would be her designated driver. It did not go well.

“Mom! Why don’t you listen to me? I don’t want Bobby to drive me to school!” she said with anguish and anger.

“Nadine Walters! Do not use that tone of a voice with me! Do you hear?” said Beth with a finality that left no margin for misinterpretation. She was really pissed at her daughter.

“But Mom…”

“No but! You will go together at school from now on and that’s it! You should be grateful that he has a car and that he agrees to take you there, otherwise it would be bus, bicycle or a long walk for you, young lady! Are we clear?”

“But Mom!…”

“I said ARE WE CLEAR? ” said Beth with a further level of finality that was catalytic for the discussion to end.

Following the mother-daughter script written ages ago, Nadine stormed to her room, banged the door shut and screamed her rage. I just watched all that and thought what a great day tomorrow was going to be. Of course, Nadine did not disappoint.

Once I woke up and did the usual morning business, I found her waiting outside the car at the driver’s side.

“Gimme the keys. I will drive us to school,” she said.

“Like hell you will! Get out of my way, I wanna open the door,” I said. She didn’t move. “For the last time, get out of my way. Please step aside and let me open the door,” I said. Again, not an inch from her part. I put my hands outside her arms, lifted her off the ground while she screamed from surprise, and set her down three feet to the left, then opened the door and got in. I fired up the ignition and started driving, looking at her through the rear view mirror. She just looked at me aghast. I stopped the car and waited to see what was going to happen. She walked to the car, opened the passenger door and entered. She was literally fuming. During the drive to school, she did not utter a word.

A few hundred yards from the school building block, I stopped the car.

“No one will see you here if you exit the car. They won’t know how you came. I suggest you do as I say if you want to keep this a secret,” I said pointing at the car around me. Without uttering one single word, she opened the door, exited the car, and left for school. I parked the car and went to school as well.

If she avoided me before, she absolutely refused to even look at my general direction. Well, tough shit. I completely blocked her thought from my mind and continued with the classwork. In the school cafeteria, she always sat with the flock of harpies that were her friends, and I always sat at a location as far away from her as I could, me, myself and I, my favorite company.

After the last class, she left in a haste. I went to my car but she was nowhere to be found. I was ready to leave when I got a message on the cellphone.

“Same place.”

And so I picked her up where I left her, incognito as in the morning. The ride home was as silent too, which was more than fine with me. When we reached home, she opened the door and entered the house without even acknowledging my existence. I turned the car off and went inside as well. She was obviously locked in her room, with music blazing full on. I took a bite to eat and went to my own room to study.

And so started our everyday routine. It was relatively silent, comfy and thus OK. Until it wasn’t.

*************************************

It was in the break between the fourth and fifth period that I heard them. I went to the men’s room to take a dump – that sandwich was bad, I knew it – when I heard them from the stalls across the wall.

“Is it on for tonight?”

“Yeah! After eight she is alone, we’ll get the bitch then!”

“Alright!”

And then they flushed and left.

Shit.

There were at least three that I heard. They were going to ambush a girl after eight today. If I alerted anyone, they would simply postpone this and do it another day. Plus, chances are that the “bitch” was Nadine, as she was the only one that stayed that long for practice. Yes, Nadine was a bitch, but she was a top-notch figure skater, and doubled on the rollers too. So they would gang up on her during the last part of her practice, when she was all alone.

I was enraged. Beyond words. Three pieces of shit against a girl? What the actual fuck?

I went to the storeroom for the athletic gear, and got myself a few items. Gloves for hard labor and a baseball bat. The first three motherfuckers at Emory I did bare handed. These assholes were to get the deluxe treatment.

When classes ended Nadine sent me the usual text to wait for her at the designated pick-up spot next to the gym at about eight forty. Of course I went to the place that she trained, and hid myself behind the trees in the shades, waiting for the fuckers to come.

As I was waiting, I watched her. Goddammit, she was perfect. I mean, perfection personified. The most beautiful girl in the world with a body to die for, and she was so good at what she did. So elegant, so graceful. She was simply unbelievable.

I caught some movement to the left. There they were. Three of them, as I had thought. I knew them, I could definitely handle them. When they approached the entrance to the auditorium that Nadine practiced, I got out of the shadows.

“Hey! Cunts!” I said to them.

“Shit!” said one the assholes.

“Do you recognize me?” I asked him.

“Y… yes, I do,” he said.

“Then you know what I am going to do, don’t you?” I asked him?

“Who is this fucker?” asked the piece of shit in the middle.

“He is the Killer, man! The fucking Killer! The Emory Killer!” said the former, ashen-colored asshole, who was about to shit his pants.

“That’s right, you sick little fucks. I am him. The Emory Killer. I handled three pieces of shit, each double your size, bare handed. I have come prepared for you now. What do you want me to write on your tombstones? You, piece of shit in the middle, yeah you. What do you want me to write?” I asked while walking steadily and very menacingly towards them.

“Shit man! No, this is a misunderstanding!” implored the leftmost asshole of the trio.

“There is no misunderstanding you fucking cunts! You are here to get ‘the bitch’! I heard you in the stalls! ‘The bitch’ is under my protection, which means you mess with my people, you mess with me. You fuck with her, I fuck with you!”

“Shit man, we didn’t know! We… we’ll leave and… let’s all forget this ever happened, OK?” said the asshole who knew me.

“The only way for you cunts to live is to leave town. Get your parents to change schools. If I see you motherfuckers tomorrow at school, you will die. None of you will survive. It will be slow and painful. You hear me now?” I told them.

“Yes! Loud and clear!” the asshole said.

“Good. Now let me give you a little incentive…” I said and charged.

I knew the asshole in the middle was going to be a problem, so I gave him a good stab with the bat to the midsection and one good hit to his backside. He dropped like a sack of shit and could barely breath. Then I gave a good smack to the head on the asshole to the right and then blasted the thigh of the fucker to the left. Once they were all down, I did a good number on them, bat-hitting, kicking and punching them. Once I was done, they could barely move. It was carnage. Their blood stained the pavement. Thank God it was a pretty secluded area at that time.

“Get your shit together, go home, say some bullshit to cover this shit you created, and make absolutely fucking sure you change schools. If I see you again, you die. Are we clear here?” I asked them.

“Yeah man, OK…” muttered the one asshole that could still speak.

“Get the fuck out of here. I don’t want her to come out and see your fucking faces. Now beat it!” I said. They picked up their pieces slowly, with deep grunts and all. They managed to leave. I went to get the car and parked it right outside the place. I hid the bat and gloves in the trunk, and waited for her.

She came out around eight forty five. She momentarily stopped when she saw the blood on the pavement and her expression changed, but continued. She entered the car as she usually did, and we silently – as usual – went home. She didn’t seem to have sensed a thing. Thank God.

***************************************************

Next day there was a commotion at school. The three fuckers were bandaged at various places on their bodies. Their distraught parents were at school to settle their school district change, as ‘this neighborhood is very dangerous for our children’. Yes bitch, if your child is a would-be rapist, and he wants to fuck with my Nadine, it is a very dangerous place indeed.

My Nadine, huh?

Well, the shit that went between us was what it was, but yes, she was my Nadine. She probably never knew it, but I would die before something happened to her. I hated her guts but she was who she was.

From the fourth period, I sensed that something was different. Nadine started stealing glances towards me with a questioning look. When she entered the car at the designated place for the trip home, she had a strange expression. She was trying to speak. I looked at her inquisitively, and she said:

“M… may I say something?”

“Sure.”

“Um… something… weird happened today.”

“What?”

“Um… you saw Stu Hamlin, Joe DiBrassio and Matt Shaw, all bandaged up? They were mugged and beaten up. Like, a lot.”

“Really?”

“Yep. They will transfer to another school district. They are basically leaving town.”

“Good for them, I guess.”

“Well, that alone was strange enough, but something even weirder happened.”

“What?”

“Stu Hamlin found me. He was bandaged up like a mummy. He said ‘I am so sorry for everything! Please tell him that we will leave! We won’t even approach you ever again! Please tell him that, OK?’ You can imagine my surprise. I asked him who to tell all that to, and he said ‘the Killer! Please tell him we won’t do anything ever again! Please! Please tell him!’ and he left.”

Shit.

“It was a serious ‘wtf?’ moment,” she continued. “Then it got me thinking. When I got out of the gym yesterday, I saw something that looked like blood on the pavement. I didn’t give it any more thought then, but I now start to see something here. Care to fill the details for me?” she asked, with a look that I couldn’t quite decipher.

“That little fucker…” I muttered.

“What happened, Bobby?” she asked.

Goddammit.

“What do you think happened?” I asked her back.

“I only know that he was hitting on me, and he didn’t take rejection well. He had said that I would pay. I thought he was bluffing,” she said.

“I am not sure I should tell you,” I answered.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to scare you for no reason.”

“If what I think has happened actually did happen, then I need to know! Tell me, please!” she said.

I hated that asshole Stu with every fiber of my being for putting me in this position. She was a bitch, yes, but she didn’t deserve to fear for her life because of those fuckers. I took a deep breath.

“They were going to come to your roller practice. They wanted to ‘teach you a lesson’.”

She gasped and opened her eyes wide.

“I heard them by sheer luck,” I continued. “I took a dump at the toilets because I ate that shitty sandwich from the cafeteria. I happened to be there while they took a piss at the stalls and they didn’t see me. They thought they were alone but I heard them loud and clear. They were going to mug a girl after eight, when she was alone. When they said that, I knew it was you. I was both grateful that I heard them and, at the same time, absolutely enraged by what would have happened if I hadn’t. So I went there and I taught *them* a lesson. I told them to move the fuck out of our school. I told them that if I ever saw them again, I would kill them. It is a good thing they heeded my warning and are leaving town.”

Her eyes were wide open and moist. Her mouth was wide open. She was starting to hyperventilate.

“Nadine, look. We have our differences. But I won’t let anything happen to you.”

She started to hyperventilate with intensity.

“They were… going to… to rape me! Oh God! And… and… you saved me! You… you s… saved m… my life! Oh my God!” she cried and started sobbing. She was losing it.

“Nadine, please focus on my voice. You are safe. You are with me. You are safe. Please, breathe…” I said, trying to calm her. She frantically tried to unclip the seat belt, but she couldn’t. I found the latch button and pressed it. She threw the seat belt aside and fell on me. She grasped on me for dear life and cried, sobbing and wailing. I tried to comfort her as much as I could. I didn’t want to be yet another scare for her, so I was very careful. She was the one to glue herself to me.

After some time, she was coherent enough for us to go home. She just became a small little thing on her car seat, with a hollow, desperate look. It made me so sad that she was reduced to this. That’s what I wanted to avoid. If I ever saw that fucker again, God…

When we arrived home, she didn’t do what she normally did. She waited for me to open my car door, then she opened hers. She waited for me to lock the car, and was near me the whole time we walked to the house. She didn’t move an inch away. Motherfucking Stu.

Inside the house, she was very timid. Nothing like the usual Nadine that had a flying rage against everything that moved. She asked our old folks to join us at the living room. She was the one to tell them with a trembling voice what had happened. They were livid. Also they were grateful. Beth literally hugged me and cried, and thanked me for protecting her daughter from harm. Nadine had an empty, desperately sad expression. She had to cope with it all. I understood, and gave her space. That is all she would need at a time like this.

*****************************************

Things started changing after the incident. Nadine started breaking the ice between us in small but decisive steps. First, she started coming to my room, always knocking first. In the beginning, to ask for homework tips, in case there was something she had a problem with. Then, she started briefly talking about her favorite music, or films, or books. She even invited me to her room to listen to some music. Baby steps, but steadily improving. Then she started to come by my room to bring me food. She started cooking, and she was really good at it, except the few times that she almost burned the house down.

Housebound, she was slowly but surely becoming good company. Plus, our interests converged, to her and my pleasant surprise. We had almost identical tastes.

The changes extended to school too.

The first thing she did was to make sure that everyone knew she was commuting with me. She entered and exited my car in front of everybody. This shocked quite a lot of people, me included, as I still was the outcast and she still was the beauty queen of the school.

Then, the classes. She started sitting beside me. Sometimes, if she was bored, she would write something on a little piece of paper and give it to me. We would thus have a little communication line of our own, and it was fun. And of course, it was noticed by our classmates, who started getting really curious about this new dynamic. I started getting glances from girls that never gave me a glance before. And some of the guys started interacting with me as well. This was new to me, but it was a pleasant change in the overall scheme of things.

The school cafeteria was another revelation. She asked me if I wanted to sit with her friends. I told her that I didn’t really like at least some of them, but she was free to do whatever she liked. What she chose to do was a surprise to me. She started sitting at the same table as I. Some of her friends, the ones not afraid to be at the same table as the killer of Emory, started coming too. They were OK; some even gave me glances. Some of the guys that tried to befriend me also started sitting near us. It was as if a new dynamic was happening in school, centered around the two of us. Whatever that was.

She also asked me to stay at her practice. Officially, the idea was for me to protect her, in case some shit happened again. However, she seemed particularly happy for me to be there. She tried her very best when I was present. That extended to competitions as well.

At home, she started to invite me to watch films together. She started calling friends over to our house, and she always included me in as well. Sometimes I would leave them alone, as they were a group of females that wanted to engage in girl-talk, but I never felt cut off. A very delicate balance, but she kept it.

Somehow and in a space of just a few short months, Nadine was fast becoming what Beth had described: a very sweet, thoughtful person. She also tried to be near me as large of a portion of the full day as humanly possible. Of course I was glad for all this. However, the tough thing for me was that I had a soft spot for her. But I tried not to misunderstand things. She felt gratitude for me saving her. I wouldn’t ever take advantage of that. On the other hand, I would lie if I said that I didn’t find our interaction pleasurable. She was sharp as a whip and had a sense of humor that was on par with mine, very dark, razor sharp and merciless. We were fast becoming friends in the true sense of the word. I did not kid myself, I knew that I was falling for her pretty bad. But that was my problem to fix.

Things started changing once again during the summer before senior year. We all went to a resort near the sea. It was a truly happy time for me. She literally spent the entire day glued around me. I found that particularly curious, since men of all ages literally threw themselves at her feet. She didn’t seem to care one bit. On the other hand, she was getting increasingly impatient if I was supposed to be somewhere and I wasn’t on time. It was always a matter of ‘I had to fend off x number of morons when you were doing y or z’.

One day when she was in the shower, Beth came. She asked if she could talk to me for a moment. Of course I said sure.

“Ever since the incident, Nadine has changed dramatically in how she sees you in her life. I am so happy because she did what you said. She put the work, she changed the dynamic. I am so happy for you two. However, I think that there is something else here as well.”

“What do you mean by that, Beth?” I asked her.

“Bobby, you know she cares about you a lot, right? I mean, the only thing she talks about all day is you. Bobby this, Bobby that. I even talked to a couple of her friends, and they all say the same thing. There is no other topic of discussion. Do you understand what that means, Bobby?” she asked me, with an inquisitive look.

“I… I dunno Beth. I know that she means the world to me and I… I care about her a lot. But I don’t understand what you are getting at.”

“Oh God, men. The denser sex. Bobby, I think she loves you.”

“Well, I love her too. She is incredible, and I deeply care for her. We even have similar interests and outlooks on life. She is truly my best friend I think, not that I have that many friends anyway.”

“Bobby. I know you love each other. You have both proved it time and time again. I am not saying that. I am saying something else. Nadine, I think, is in love with you. And if I understand correctly, you are also in love with her. Am I right?”

My knees gave way, I had to catch myself not to fall.

“It is that obvious?” I asked her.

“Well, let’s say that I, your dad, her friends, we all pretty much know it. The only ones that don’t are probably she and you.”

I had no wind left in my sails. I took a deep breath.

“Beth, I am so sorry. I never intended for it to happen. But can you really blame me? I mean, she is truly amazing. She is the best. I dunno, I… I actually admire her. So much. She is incredible. I can’t help it. But I will never do something to risk her happiness or well-being. I made a promise. I intend to keep it,” I told her.

“Bobby, you are not listening. I said that both of you are in love with each other. That also means her. So, the question is not about you alone. The question is about you two. What intentions do you have?” she asked me.

“I don’t know what to say, Beth. I am a bit dizzy right now, it is a sensory overload type of news. First of all, are you sure? Have you talked?”

“We women know. We just do. She has a look when she talks about you or looks at you. As you with her. Are you sure of your feelings for her?”

“I am. I am totally in love with her. Have been so for some time now. She is all I can think about. But are you sure of her feelings for me?”

“I haven’t discussed the issue, but I think I don’t even need to. I am pretty certain that she is in love with you. I know my daughter, and I have never seen her like that before.”

” But… but…what can I do? I mean, she is my stepsister now. How can we do anything? Isn’t there a law against that sort of thing?” I asked her.

“Not really, not everywhere and most definitely not in this state, especially with your circumstances. You are not genetically linked. You have only known each other for a few years and have been under the same roof for less than a year. You are a very good-looking young man with a heart of gold and you have protected her from harm, and she is stunning, not that she is my daughter. It is only natural for you to develop feelings for each other. What I am trying to say here is, I am happy with it.”

“Y… you are?” I asked very surprised.

“Yes, Bobby, I am fine with it. She has found the absolute best possible man to be with. You love her unconditionally. You protect her. You cherish and support her. You always are afraid of smothering her, and are considering her in every thought. Plus, your genes are golden, if I may say so myself!” she said with a laugh.

“I don’t… know what to say…” I stammered.

“Bobby, I am the one to say this. I am fine with whatever you guys decide to do. But if you ended up a couple, I would be absolutely delighted. My two most favorite human beings together? Nothing can beat that!”

“What about dad?” I asked.

“He is fine with it as well. We are totally fine with whatever you decide to do. No problem from our side. This will strictly be your decision. I don’t even have to tell you to treat her well. I know you will. I am really happy!” she said and hugged me.

At that moment Nadine got out of the shower with a towel around her hair. She looked like the best possible version of a sexy female maharajah wearing blue shorts and a pink top.

“What is happening here, mom?” asked Beth a playful Nadine. “Are you two conspiring against me?”

“Your mom just told me that a friend of hers wants me to go on a blind date with her daughter. We were discussing about that just now!” I lied, desperately trying not to laugh.

“WHAT? Mom, are you crazy? Who is it? What is this?” said Nadine, ready to explode.

“You said she is pretty hot, right Beth?” I said, continuing the charade.

“She truly is stunning, isn’t she?” answered a smiling Beth. She was talking about her own daughter, but the latter didn’t know that.

“Who is that bitch?!” cried a visibly upset Nadine. “What are you doing here, mom?”

“Tell her, Beth. After all, you know her better than I,” I said.

“Bobby, you are evil!” said Beth before laughing. “We did nothing, Nadine, really. He is just making fun.”

“Bobby you shit! I’ll get you!” said a relieved but also half-angry Nadine and started chasing me around the tables. I let her catch me.

“Why did you do that stupid thing just now, huh?” she asked me.

“I just wanted to tease you. I wouldn’t do anything like that, really. I have you in my life, and that is all I need, Nadine. You are all I need,” I said, looking her in the eye.

A tear escaped her eye. She looked at me… dare I say lovingly? Yes, lovingly.

“You are all I need in my life too, you Dufus! Never forget that, you hear?” she said and hugged me. I hugged her back. I was happy.

The rest of the holidays run smoothly. Nadine and I were very good with each other, together most of the time. I let her dictate the pace, and so far we were fine. Not officially a couple, but I believe we both acknowledged how important she was in my life and I in hers.

Usually the day one returns home from vacation is a sad day. In my case it was the happiest day of my life up till that time. We were together at the back seat of the car, and she put her head on my lap for the duration. I caressed her face, her hair, her hands. At one point, just to test the waters, I removed my hand from her. She opened her eyes wide, took my hand and put it back at where it was. Then closed her eyes and smiled.

Was I in love? I would die a happy man then and there. Yes, I was hopelessly in love with her. But I was still insecure about her feelings.

**********************************************

Life at home was beautiful. Up till the beginning of the school year, we were together almost all the time. We would watch films together, she snuggled up to me. She would be in my room or me in hers or both of us at the same part of the house.

On the Friday prior to our return to school, as we were snuggled together, she said:

“Bobby, I want to ask you a question.”

“Sure.”

“Are you happy?”

I thought long and hard. She looked at me with wide eyes and an expectant expression.

“I believe I can safely say that… I am. Yes, I am happy.”

She smiled.

“Nadine, I believe I am as happy as I am because of you.”

She looked at me with a loving expression and misty eyes.

“I need to tell you something. I have wanted to say all this for a while now, but I respected you way too much to bother you with my… matters. But I feel we are close enough for me to finally unload my burden. May I?”

“Of course, Bobby! You can tell me anything!” she said.

“I don’t know if I should say this, really. I am here to support you, not to burden you. I don’t want to…”

“What are you talking about, Bobby? What are you, my bodyguard? You are the very best man I have ever met! You know that all my friends have a crush on you? You could pick any one of them and take her on a date if you just move your little finger. Of course, I would proceed to scratch the eyes out of the bitch!” she said, playfully elbowing me. “Bobby, I want you to share your feelings with me. You said that I am all you need, didn’t you?” she asked me.

“That’s true. You are all I need. It doesn’t have to be the same for you, though. I mean…”

“I’ve already told you it is the exact same for me. Now, go on!” she said.

“OK” I said and took a deep breath. “When I first met you, I saw God’s most beautiful creature alive. And then I saw how you treated other people, and I hated that.”

She looked at me wide-eyed.

“Please, let me finish. Well, I saw that you behaved as a spoiled little brat, and I hated your guts. You probably had already heard of my stint at Emory and probably thought I was Ted Bundy’s trainer or something.”

She laughed heartily with that one.

“When you showed up with Beth, I got the shock of a lifetime. I mean, what are the odds? Two people that hated each other’s guts, under the same roof… Anyway, I digress. The first weeks were not good. We had a talk with your mom, and she asked me to protect you and give you time. She knew you were through a phase, and she was afraid that something might happen to you. Of course I told her something that was already true. No matter if we hated each other’s face, I was going to protect you at all costs. You know why?”

“Why?” asked a tearful Nadine.

“Because, under all the bullshit lies the truth. And the truth is that I would rather die than have you suffer.”

Nadine started sobbing. I hugged her and she me. I could feel her tears on my hands.

“When the incident happened with the three motherfuckers, I tried my best for you not to know what happened, because I wanted to protect you, but not just from them. I also wanted to protect your soul from their intentions. But that bastard Stu was so scared that he came and spit everything out. The dipshit…”

She cried, grabbing me and trembling.

“I only wanted you not to suffer. But I failed. You did suffer…” I said, and a tear left my eye.

She cried openly, and I comforted her.

“After that horrible thing, you alone changed the dynamic in our relationship. You made so many things shine in my life. You put the color back to a black-and-white movie that it was. You let me feel again, Nadine. You let me feel again. You have no idea how grateful I am for your existence in my life.”

She wailed and sobbed. I just hugged her and caressed her.

“I have come to cherish all the time we spend together. I have also come to the inescapable conclusion that I have many layers of feelings for you. For one, I love you.”

She gripped me with all her strength while crying.

“I love you enough to want to kill anyone and anything that poses a threat to you. I loved you even when I hated you. The love runs deeper. It washed away the hate and brought more love in its place. The other layer that I feel for you is… love again, but different. I love you Nadine, meaning I am in hopeless, desperate love with you. I see you in my dreams, and long to see you during my waking hours. I don’t want to live without you. You are all I think about.”

She had a death grip now.

“This is my burden. I am sorry if you feel I betrayed your trust, but you asked me what I feel. So, there.” I said and let her calm down. She never let me move, the death grip held on. After a short while, when she had control of her faculties, she unglued herself from me, and looked me in the eye.

“Bobby, I am happy too. What you thought a burden is my salvation. I love you too, so much. I am in desperate, hopeless love with you too. I can’t live without you. All I am thinking about all day is you. I can’t control it. You are my perfect man. My friends even told me so, you know.”

“Really?” I asked.

“Yes, but don’t get any ideas — you are off limits to those hoes! We had those stupid tests in Cosmo. It had a questionnaire about the perfect man. Every one of my friends described someone like you, or at least the part of you that they knew. Then I started describing my perfect man too. It was you to such a detail that they wouldn’t believe. They just looked at me in awe. They knew. We all hugged and cried after that one. It was then that I realized that the perfect man for me is under the same roof.”

She looked at me in the eye.

“Bobby, I love you more than you’ll ever know. I don’t want to live if you are not in my life.”

I hugged her and she me.

“I have talked with our folks. I think they knew already, and they are OK with us doing anything we chose to do. For one, I know exactly what I want. I want us to be a couple. Till the end,” she said.

I could literally touch happiness.

“I want the same. I want to be with you until the day I die. I love you, Nadine.”

“I love you too, Bobby” she said, and kissed me.

So that is what paradise is all about.

******************************************************

Nadine made sure everybody in school knew we were an item. She kissed me every chance she got. She staked her claim and made sure everyone knew that we belonged together. It was a small shock to most people, as some knew that we lived together, but in general they let it slide. Maybe because they knew what happened if they crossed me, or because they needed to be in Nadine’s good graces. In any case, nobody bothered us on or off campus.

We did not consummate our relationship until we both were legal adults, after our birthdays, and at ease with the idea. That didn’t mean that we weren’t horny, of course. But we were each other’s first, and with all the feelings we had for each other, we took it slow. It was worth it. When we started making love, it was the natural evolution of a love utterly deep and pure. Making love was… divine. No words. It deepened our bond and made us long for each other even more.

I didn’t want us to separate in College, nor did she. We applied to the same schools, and when acceptance letters came, we had a nice surprise. The best for both of us was UPenn, and we were both accepted. She was to study Psychology while I was to aim for a double degree in Computer Science and Computer Engineering.

That summer before we were to go to uni, was without a shadow of a doubt, the best time in my life. I had two whole months to spend with the love of my life. And they were perfect. We went around the country hiking, driving, by train or by sea. A true dream.

When the freshman year started, we rented our own room, thanks to our folks back home. There was nothing more perfect than having a beautiful relationship with the love of my life while studying what I loved. I cannot even describe my happiness. We had created a circle of friends, but we as a couple always came first.

The first two years were a bliss. Then shit happened.

******************************************************

The warning signs started coming beginning junior year, when Nadine joined a group of friends that I tool a dislike to immediately. Girls that had a reputation – and when I say reputation, I mean a ton of reputation. Hell, two of them had auditioned for porn, i.e. fucked some porn-star on camera! And these harpies were her new friends. I tried to talk to her about that, but she refused to even go there. Her friends were suddenly off limits. That alone was a huge red flag. And I did see it, but loved prevailed. To me at least.

Come to think of it, we were a couple since seniors in high school, and for two beautiful and a progressively shittier half year as a college couple. As two young, fit and heavily into each other individuals, we’d had a very healthy love life until that time. Suddenly, she started becoming distant and irritable at pretty much everything. It did not happen overnight, but the progression was quick nevertheless. It was as if she was driving a wedge between us on purpose. I couldn’t really understand what was going on. I tried talking to her about it, but to no avail. Whenever I broached the subject, she basically exploded, blaming me for being paranoid and for ‘smothering her’. Our relationship was becoming more distant, and instead of the passionate lovemaking we used to have, we would have rarer and rarer sexual interactions, and she wasn’t really into it.

Things really started going south on January. February sucked. On Friday of the third week of March, it was shitty enough to finally break the camel’s back.

“Nothing is wrong, Bobby. Please stop this. You are just driving me crazy. I can’t be listening to the same things again and again. I am telling you, it is not true!” she said.

“Nadine, my love, I am trying to help the situation, not worsen it. However, the first step to a resolution of any problem is that we actually need to acknowledge the problem. You won’t even do that. Don’t you see that we have grown apart all this time?” I implored her.

“Again the sex thing? If you aren’t getting it as much as you like, there is a problem? How cannot you see that you are smothering me? Don’t I have the right to want things when I want them, and not when you want them? Am I a… a flesh-light to you?” she answered with a healthy dose of venom.

“Flesh-light? What the… No Nadine, you are not a flesh-light. It is not your genitalia alone that I miss. It is you, the whole you. Sex is an indicator, the real problem is that we are growing apart. It is as if you resent me lately. You hardly ever spend any time at home or with me, and you act like I am, for a lack of a better term, unwanted. What is the problem? Please talk to me!” I said.

“Oh Lord, I can’t take this no more. Bobby, this is killing me. I… I’ve had enough!” she said with finality.

“What… what do you mean?” I asked.

“I need… I need some space.”

One could hear a pin drop from the silence.

“Excuse me?” I asked, not believing my ears.

“I need some space. Alone” she said.

“You want me to leave?” I asked.

She looked determined and relieved in the same time.

“I think that would be best.”

“You want to break up with me. You… you actually do… want to break up…” I said, defeated.

“No, I never said anything about breaking up. I just need some space to think. I… I have lost myself. I need to recenter, and I can’t do that with you constantly nagging about this or that. I cannot function this way, Bobby. I… I am sorry.”

“Nadine, you can’t take this back. Is this what you want?” I asked her.

“… yes. This is what I need at this time.”

“OK then. I will find another place and be out of your hair as soon as I can.”

I don’t even remember how I left the room, how I went to a motel nearby. It is all a blur. My heart was broken. I felt all the weight of the world. In the motel room, I just cried until I couldn’t anymore. Then I went to sleep.

*******************************************************

Next day it was a surreal experience. I was midpoint between expecting me to wake up from the nightmare and grieving. As the morning hours passed, I progressively understood that I could not afford to grieve what surely was the end of my relationship with Nadine, although I never understood what had actually happened or why. I had to take care of myself first. I decided to never again live in the same place as her, or any woman ever again. I would have my own space, my refuge. So finding my own place was the first order of business. I visited some sites that contained relevant info, and I found three rooms that seemed OK given the status of things. I made the calls, and set up appointments, one on Saturday and two more on Sunday.

In the meantime, the phone never rang. Wow. She really needed the space, I guess.

My compulsion was to try and think how and why all this happened, but I deliberately stopped myself from that. First getting on my own two feet, then everything else. However, as with all my plans, this failed as well.

I was just leaving the apartment of Saturday’s appointment with the realtor when I saw her. She was at the cafe right across the street. She was with a guy. He was holding her hand and they kissed. My heart broke to a thousand pieces.

I went across the street and got right beside the couple. The guy looked at me funny. Nadine was chit-chatting, until she saw me. Then she screamed and all color left her face.

“Wow. I never expected that from you, Nadine.”

She was ashen.

“Who are you?” asked the guy.

“I am the schmuck that yesterday thought I had a girlfriend. Who are you?” I asked him.

“I am her boyfriend.”

“Since when?”

“What do you mean?”

“When did you become an item?”

“Valentine’s Day.”

“Did you know she was in a relationship?”

“Yes, but she wanted out.”

“… she did? Huh… wow.” was all I could mutter.

They guy just looked at me. Nadine was shocked and never looked at me. The whole setting was surreal.

“Nadine, this is low. You could just have told me. You preferred to back-stab me instead of being honest and upfront. Since February? You have been two-timing me for a month, maybe more. Damn…”

She trembled, white as a ghost.

“Were there times that we had you on the same day? Oh, fuck this. You know, fuck that, I’d better not know. I don’t need to know if I had his sloppy seconds. God, that makes me sick to my stomach…”

She started sobbing silently. I got my shit together.

“You shouldn’t have done that, Nadine. I loved you, more than my own self. You pissed on our relationship like it didn’t matter at all. You know what? If this is how you really feel, maybe it truly wasn’t for shit. Maybe it all was in my head. You actually fooled me. Congrats. I considered myself not easy to fool, but you did it. Good job…” I said and clapped my hands. She lost it. The guy, understanding the severity of the situation, didn’t move a muscle. Good for him I guess.

“As for you,” I said to the asshole, “I don’t really blame you, apart from the fact that you knew she was in a relationship. A real man would wait for the gal to be single, and not put himself inside another man’s relationship. But I cannot really blame you. She looks great, and can lead people astray, she has that effect on people. Although I think that you are a weak and immature little piece of shit, I am not going after you. She’s yours. You have my blessings. You two deserve each other.”

He didn’t move. She was a sobbing heap. I turned to her.

“As far as you are concerned, I am dead. No contact ever again, for any reason at all. I hope, for your sake, that you respect it. Remember Emory.”

She went totally ashen and trembled visibly.

“I wish you a happy life.”

And so I left the scene of the crime, went home and cried like a baby until morning. People usually drink, but I hate that shit.

*********************************************************

The alarm clock woke me up in the rudest manner possible, whacking my brains against the wall – at least, it felt that way. I had two more appointments for apartments. There was no way in hell that I was going to the one I had seen the previous day, too many bad memories.

I saw the phone, and it had a lot of calls and messages from Nadine to ‘please’ call her. It also had messages from Beth and Dad. They were innocent in all this, they had to know. I sent them a message that I would call them later, left the motel and went to the apartment sightings. The second one was OK, so I left a deposit. It was good enough for now. After that, I went back to the motel for the dreaded phone-call.

“Hello?”

“Hi Beth. How are you?” I asked them.

“We are fine, Bobby. Your daddy is here too, you are on speaker. What happened??? We are sick with worry. Nadine called. She was a crying mess. We couldn’t understand what she was saying. Are you guys all right?” said Beth.

“We are fine, as far as health goes. However, everything else is not alright at all, I am afraid. I am sorry to say this, but Nadine and I are no longer together.”

I heard intakes of air and gasps from the other end.

“If you want more details, I think you should ask her. I don’t want to ruin your relationship, I believe it is better for you to get the news from the source. If you talk to her, then you can call me and ask for my perspective. But we are no longer together, nor will we ever be in the future.”

“Oh my God!” cried Beth.

“I am so, so sorry for all that, Beth. I love you so much, but cannot continue this call anymore. Please call me back when you have talked with your daughter,” I said and hang up. Then I cried again like a baby.

I barely managed to sleep an hour in chunks that night.

*********************************************************

Monday morning I went to the realtor for the final paperwork. I signed, got the keys and then drove to our – actually, her – apartment. Mondays were hell days for Nadine, she was at school from morning till late evening, which gave me ample time to pack up my stuff and leave. And so I did.

When everything I had was in my car, I took a last look at the apartment that was the place of my happiness all this time. I couldn’t keep my tears from flowing. I left my keys on the table, with a note that reminded her to lose my number and forget I ever existed. I dragged myself to the car, and drove to my new apartment. I spent the day getting my meager possessions in order. I had to buy some rudimentary furniture, and that is exactly what I proceeded to do.

The whole shebang took no more than three days. I was now relocated to my new home. Alone and desperately sad, but alive.

I realized that I was back to how I was before I had met Nadine. Life was gray again. I had lost color.

Meanwhile, Nadine kept blowing up my phone. She either didn’t read the note, or didn’t care that I asked her to respect a few simple things. I refused to take any of her calls. The one call that I did take though, was Beth’s.

“Bobby, thank God I found you! How are you holding up?” she said.

“As well as can be expected under the circumstances. Shocked, but alive. I have relocated, new apartment. I will send you my details soon, your eyes only. Are you OK up there?” I asked her.

“We are fine, Bobby. Please don’t worry about us. I… I talked with my daughter, as you said. I… I don’t know what to say. I am so disappointed in her. I thought you guys were for the long haul. And she destroyed it all. I really don’t know what to say…” she said and started crying.

“Beth, please don’t cry. It isn’t your fault. You were the greatest mom ever. I know so, I have seen you in action. This… this is on her. Not you,” I told her.

“She is a mess right now. She is all over the place. I understand you took your stuff from the apartment. When she went home and found all your stuff gone, then it hit her.”

“Beth, she is the one that asked me to leave. She basically kicked me out. She wanted space to recenter herself and some bullshit like that. You know the truth, I suppose. As luck would have it, I found them together when I was house hunting. She has been two-timing me for about a month now. I honestly never expected this. I could easily jump into the fire for her. But she back-stabbed me in the worst way. I… I have to tell you something else too, Beth.”

“W…What?” said a crying Beth.

“I cannot keep my promise to you anymore. I cannot take care of your daughter from now on. I have no way to do that. She is her own woman now, she has to take care of herself. I am sorry, Beth, but I cannot survive if I have to be in her constant presence, worrying about her while she does this kind of thing. I… I just can’t. Please forgive me” I said.

“Oh my God, Bobby!” she said and cried. “Selfless to the bitter end. She is the most stupid woman alive. She will understand that someday and she will be hitting her head on the wall. Stupid, stupid girl…” she lamented.

“Beth, I truly don’t understand how she got to that point. Was she unhappy with me? She constantly said that I was smothering her, during the last hellish six-month period of our relationship. I swear to you, I never did that. You know me, I would never…” I said and I cried.

“My God, Bobby, no! No no no! I know how you were to her. I know. This is on her, not you. At some point she will understand what is going on, and then I guess we will find out the truth,” she said.

“Thank you for everything, Beth. Please give daddy my love, OK?”

“Of course, honey! I will!” she said, crying, and hang up the phone.

This was too much for me too.

************************************************************

It took some time for me to find a semblance of normality in my life. The students that knew me cared enough to ask if I was alright. I usually said yes, but they understood. It was a very dark period in my life. Nadine kept blowing up my phone, until I blocked her number. Beth and Dad kept calling me to make sure I was OK. They asked for my address; I complied but asked them to not give it to Nadine. I also asked them to tell her to stay away from me. I didn’t want to see her again. They understood and told me they would tell her.

It didn’t last long.

I had just finished classes on a rainy, gloomy Tuesday and went to my new home, when I saw her. She was right out the door. I approached.

“Would you mind stepping aside? I want to enter my home, if that’s OK with you,” I said.

“Bobby, I need to talk to you!” she said.

“I don’t need to talk to you, Nadine. I only need to enter my apartment. I have taken everything that was mine and left everything else in your apartment. Do you think I took something that was not mine? Do we have a property dispute here?” I asked her.

“No, for God’s sakes, no, that’s not why I am here! I just need to talk to you!” she implored.

“In that case I would like you to please leave me alone. Please never contact me again and, please, never, ever grace this humble abode with your presence. You are not welcome here. Please respect what I am asking of you. It is not much, I think, given the circumstances. Please leave and don’t try calling me again,” I said with all the resolution I could muster. I was melting inside. She was the one person that I was fully prepared to spend the rest of my life with. It absolutely killed me.

“Bobby please, let me explain!” she said.

“No explanations necessary. I got all relevant info from the source a few weeks ago. No need for further explanations, thank you very much. Now you will excuse me, I need to enter my apartment,” I said lightly shoving her aside and unlocking the door.

“Bobby, please!” she said.

I just closed the door behind me and kept myself to not fall apart.

After some door banging and further crying from her part, she got the message and left.

Life sucks, and then you die.

*********************************************************

I spotted Nadine and the asshole a few times around campus, but I didn’t mind them. She made her choice, she had to live with it. I had absolutely no intention of getting back into dating and all that crap. I focused on my studies, and I did very well at school. Beth frequently called me to check up on me. Her latest phone-call was about her daughter.

“Bobby, I think I understand what went wrong with you two,” she said.

“Have you talked to her?” I asked.

“Extensively. She is very sorry about what happened between you two. She hasn’t yet understood the implications of her actions. She just sees this as a small break. She still thinks you will be there for the long haul. I… I don’t know how to break this barrier of horse manure she has created in her head. She won’t accept that she lost you. She just thinks that this is her fun time, and when all is said and done you will be there waiting for her to continue the rest of your lives. It is crazy…”

“Beth, what you say has some kind of logic. I mean, we lived our lives as a couple. We started out before high school ended, and were each other’s first. I was perfectly fine with being with her for evermore, but it seems she needs to live, experience other people. I understand her need although I don’t share it or condone it as behavior towards me. But it doesn’t change the fact that she lied to me, instead of telling me the truth – we would still be history, but at least I would admire her for her honesty. Also, I have my own needs. I need to be able to trust. She completely killed my trust. I mean, she cheated on me. It is so unlike the person I was in love with. I guess she is through a phase right now, yet another ‘I matter to me and fuck everyone else’ phase. It probably was instigated by the bitches she hangs out with, round-heeled sluts. I only hope that whoever she ends up with, treats her with respect. But it won’t be me. I literally am past history for her. She needs to understand it and own it. I won’t be waiting for her. We are over. Done. Please convey that message to her, OK?” I said.

“Oh God… yes, Bobby, I… I will. I am so, so sorry. I really am. She has made the greatest mistake of her life. She will understand it some day…”

“I am truly sorry Beth. Please send dad my love, OK?”

And that was basically the last time I talked about Nadine with Beth for my years in UPenn. I never went back to my old home in my hometown, as I expected Nadine would be there too. I just focused on my studies, my martial arts and only did some, to be honest, severe amounts of light and casual dating – or should I say hook-ups en masse. I had fun, but nothing serious. Once burned, twice shy.

I wanted nothing to do with serious relationships with women. I was OK for some hooking up but absolutely was dead against anything serious. This attitude, combined with my good looks and overall personality that took shit from nobody, landed me chicks by the ton. I had truckloads of pussy, no joke. I was pretty honest with my intentions. They all knew I was doing the dirty with other chicks, but they still waited in line. Some wanted something deeper, but I made absolutely sure they got the message loud and clear. I probably broke a few hearts. I, on the other hand, felt absolutely nothing. Soul-less corpses tend to not feel much, to the best of my knowledge.

I did see Nadine a few times before I graduated. She was with a different guy from the one she cheated on me with. Maybe she cheated on him too with this new guy? I didn’t know, and by then I didn’t care. She didn’t have the radiance that she had when we were together. At least that small amount of revenge was mine. Although, to be honest, I was too dead inside to give a fuck.

Nadine, Oh Nadine. I was a dead corpse. You gave me life. Then you took it away again. Does this make you a murderer? Or a failed sorry version of Doctor Frankenstein?

Who gives a fuck anyway.

************************************************************

After I graduated from UPenn I got into a Masters program in Stanford. Beth told me that Nadine continued for a Masters in psychology at Harvard. She was doing great in her studies, and that of course was truly good. I was doing very well too, although the workload was huge.

My personal life was not at its best. I didn’t really have much free time for dating. I had to study, and then my martial arts thing. My personal life was, for the most part, a carbon copy of my later period in UPenn: A long series of hook-ups leaving broken hearts and devastation behind, pussy by the ton without any feeling whatsoever from my part. All that in as much time as the very heavy workload permitted.

I was studying in my apartment when my phone rang. A number I didn’t recognize. I picked up.

“… Bobby?” said a very familiar voice.

“… Nadine?” I asked.

“Y… yes. Please don’t hang up! I am so, so sorry to bother you, but… Oh God, I don’t know how to say this…”

“Say what, Nadine?” I asked, very alarmed.

“Bobby, it’s your dad… he had a stroke… I am so, so sorry…” and she started crying.

My dad.

M y D a d.

M

Y

D

A

D

.

.

.

That was the second time I died.

And who better to deliver the ultimate blow than my personal Angel of Death.

*************************************************************

I arrived at my hometown the same day as the funeral, early in the morning. I met Beth at my old house. Nadine was already there. Beautiful as ever, more woman. Very sad.

When they saw me, they started to run towards me. My stare stopped Nadine in her tracks. Beth hugged me and cried. I tried to comfort her, being torn into a million pieces myself. She was inconsolable. There was just one nice thought in all of that: Beth truly loved my daddy. She adored him. She was devastated by his death. As dead inside as I was, the fact that my beloved dad had a woman who loved him without reservation for all their short life together made me feel warm inside. It also made me sad. She lost her love twice in her life.

There were quite a few people at the funeral. My daddy was beloved by all the people in the community. He was the best person in the world. Full of compassion and love. Beth was dead inside, like me.

After the service, we went to the house. I went to my old room, Beth and Nadine to theirs. So many beautiful memories. It was very difficult for me to breathe in there. I tried to sleep, but couldn’t.

In the middle of the night, a soft knock at the door.

“Bobby? Are you awake?”

“Yes. Nadine?”

“May I enter? Please?”

“What do you want?”

“Bobby, please! I… ”

That’s all she managed to say before she started crying. A deep, emotional kind of crying that only people in despair can pull off, as it comes from the soul. I understood that, and opened the door. She was sitting on the floor with her back on my wall, collapsed and heaving.

I gave her my hand. She took it and grabbed me. She couldn’t stand on her own two feet. I took her on the bed, and let her lay on me, to cry. I still cared for her, goddamn me, stupid pussy-whipped asshole. She cried all through the night, and never left my side.

She fell asleep later. I decided that I would not subject myself to the same kind of heart rape as she had inflicted upon me at UPenn. I got up, went to the living room and lied down on the sofa where I caught a short nap.

I woke up to the first rays of the weak sunlight that managed to break through the clouds in a rainy day. Beth was up. She was sitting on the chair next to the sofa I was sleeping in.

“Good morning Bobby. Thank you.”

“What for?” I asked.

“For once again protecting my daughter. She hasn’t been herself lately. She has started to understand the depth of what she has done and the reasons behind your very justified reaction and she is devastated. She has been punishing herself in ways you wouldn’t imagine. She is a psychologist, after all. She knows all the tricks of the trade. Lately, she talked with your father a lot, mostly about you. She can’t cope with the fact that her insecurities and ‘externally projected need for experience, a.k.a. new dick’ – her words, not mine, mind you – killed her relationship with you. She is in a… cognitive dissonance, as she herself told me. She sought his advice. His death decimated her too. She was in a bad place yesterday and you helped her. You were the only one that could do that. And you had no obligation, so I thank you for once again taking care of my child” she said and started crying. “Your daddy would have been so proud of you! You became the best man he could have ever hoped for! Thank you Bobby!” she said crying, killing me inside.

“He was the best, wasn’t he?” I asked her.

“He truly was! There was no other like him! Oh Bobby, what am I going to do?” she said and cried.

I truly had no idea what to say. He was my dad, but it was the right thing for me to bury him, the reverse is very wrong, a travesty. But her, she lost the man she truly loved these years, no matter how few they had together. Truly now, what would she do? A widow for a second time. Poor Beth. Such a good soul. Such a pained soul…

She asked me what I was willing to do with the house. I told her that as far as I was concerned, it was her house. She could do whatever she wanted with it. She thanked me. Beth was the best my dad could find. He really, really did well.

Nadine woke up a little later. She came looking for me. She understood by the way I looked at her that I was not up for chatting and pleasantries. So she cut to the chase.

“Bobby, I would like to talk.”

“Jesus H. Christ. My father died, Nadine. Let me mourn him in peace, please?” I answered.

“O…Of course, Bobby. I… I am sorry. I apologize. I just need to say a few things to you, that’s all…” she implored.

“Saying whatever you want to say is already bothering me once too many, Nadine. I believe we said what was to be said when it was due. Now, why bother?” I asked her.

“Bobby, please. It has been eating me inside. Please…” she said before being reduced to a human pile of tears.

Damn it. I have my grief, I have her bullshit as well.

“OK Nadine. Listen to me. I truly don’t want to listen to your bullshit. Especially now, at the absolute worst time of my adult life. But again, you are all that matters to you. Nobody else but you is what matters in your world. You wanna unburden your shit to me, just like you spewed your shit anywhere it served its purpose in high school. You are the same goddamned brat you were in junior grade. People don’t change, do they? You are ample proof of that. You make me sick. Now, get the FUCK out of my face and leave me mourn the death of my father in peace, before I do something that we will both regret. Now Leave Me Alone!” I said, shouting the last part.

“I’m sorry! I… I’ll leave!” she said terrified and left in a hurry.

I didn’t even want to be there anymore. I found Beth, said our goodbyes and left.

**********************************************

The workload was the only thing that kept me sane at that dark time. After the stint with Nadine, I understood that all my behavior was basically a reaction to Nadine’s betrayal. I decided that I needed to move on, as actively as she did back then in undergrad. I needed to stop mourning for a thing that did not exist any more and embrace life. So I decided that I had to stop the hook-ups and to actually start looking for a real girlfriend. That proved to be a hard thing. Studying all day and a, generally speaking, low budget did not make me a prime candidate for real relationships. On top of that, I didn’t really feel it; my heart wasn’t into it.

Beth kept in touch with me, asking me about pretty much everything. She did say a few general things about Nadine, but not a lot of detail. She was getting along in her studies just fine, she had a steady boyfriend, possibly serious. I wished her the best.

“I need to tell you something, between you and me, Bobby,” she said.

“What?”

“I believe she never really got over you.”

“My dearest Beth, you will excuse my language, but tough shit. She kicked me out of the house to find herself, and had already been cheating on me with that asshole. After him, she had other boyfriends, I saw her with one of them. I don’t really know if she really mourned the end of our relationship or not, but that is her very own thing. She was the one to have killed it, in cold blood I may add. So, why does she still have a thing for me? Especially now that she has a boyfriend? I just don’t get it,” I said.

“Bobby, you need to dive deep into her psyche to understand how and why she did what she did. When you had that quarrel in the house, what you told her was the truth. Spot on. Of course the timing she chose to say her piece was the worst ever, and your response was mild compared to what I would have said in your place. The truth of the matter is that she… she let herself relapse. She became the self-entitled brat that she was in high school. She had a group of friends that had sex with anything that moved, and they instilled in her head that she would miss out on life’s great experiences if she were tied down to one man. Of course, it always depends on the man. She was lucky enough to have the perfect man from the beginning, and nothing else from then and on would ever compare. And not only that. Vance, the guy you met, was a total douche-bag. He treated her like shit. But she felt so guilty for how she treated you that she stayed with him. He ended up abusing her, and she ended up filing a restraining order.”

My heart clenched at the news. If I had that motherfucker in front of me, he would be dead. But, hey, not my business anymore. Control yourself, asshole.

“She wanted to call you a million times and ask for your forgiveness,” she said. “But she knew that she had fucked up so royally that she had absolutely no right to do that. So she endured, until she couldn’t anymore. When he hit her, she filed and he was expelled. After him, she was in a string of relationships, one worse than the other. She felt she had to punish herself for what she did to you. She thought she was worthless!” she said and started crying.

“Beth, I… I don’t really know what to say…”

“Bobby, she was thinking suicide. The night that you let her cry on you, she was seriously thinking of ending things. She told me so herself when you left. I had already sensed it. I wanted to help her, but I just couldn’t. You literally saved her that night. Next day was a disaster, and it was all on her. Fortunately, I was able to help her then. She was inconsolable. I mean, everything was… just bad. She talked to your dad constantly, asking for advice on how to get back with you. She was obsessed with you. She still is…”

“But she has a steady boyfriend, doesn’t she?” I asked.

“Bobby, if you were to call her in the middle of the night and tell her that you are just thinking of a fresh start with her, she would leave EVERYTHING behind and come flying to you right that moment. Poor Jake doesn’t stand a chance. She is really trying to love him, but she just can’t. And it isn’t just Jake. She is incapable of loving anyone else but you. She cannot get over you, and she only punishes herself through the years. It is crazy. A downward spiral. I don’t know how to help her anymore, Bobby! She is my child and I see her slipping away every day! What can I do? I can’t lose her too! Oh God! What can I do?” she said and cried.

I truly didn’t know what to say.

“Beth, I… I really don’t know what to say. I mean, she was my everything. I was so deeply in love with her. I thought we would be together until we die. I thought we had a connection beyond anything else out there. I still haven’t felt that connection with anyone else. But I don’t really know if that was just me being in love or it actually was there to begin with. Then, she ripped my heart out. I mean…”

“The connection was definitely there, Bobby. I saw it with my own eyes. It was like I was talking to the same person with a different avatar. It was uncanny. I have loved two men deeply in my life, and to be honest with you, even I envied that. I never had it to that level – maybe approached it with your dad, but I don’t think we reached it. And we were so in love. What you two had was so… amazing, unique and pure. That is what is killing her. Now that she has experienced other relationships she understands that, no matter how beautiful she is, some things cannot be bought with beauty. They are rare gems that you either are lucky and find them, or you are not. She knows that what you two had was the fairytale that all her friends wanted to live once but probably won’t. She did, and she threw it away for some cheap thrills. Experience, for sure. Bad experience. Horrible experience. And loss.”

I felt numb.

“She calls me almost everyday, Bobby. She calls me to cry and mourn. She did love your daddy, but it isn’t only him that she mourns. She mourns you. She tries to save herself by going through the motions every day, but I think she will have a mental breakdown soon. I am worried about her life. I don’t know what to do! If she hurts herself… my baby!!! Oh God!!!!” she said and wailed.

“Beth, you know I love you so much. Deep down, I had love for Nadine too, despite everything. I still would be devastated if something happened to her. Do I have feelings for her? I did. Now? I dunno. When I saw her at the funeral, I wanted to beat her up unconscious. I also wanted her to kiss me and make everything go away. I was a raving lunatic, and at the same time I was that high-schooler in mad, puppy love with the girl of his dreams. I was so torn apart that I felt I was going to… to split. That night when I held her, everything was, for a brief amount of time, good in the world, although it was the most terrible day of my adult life. Even in my grief, she made it all good again. For a little while. But then her self-entitlement killed everything. Do you want me to be totally honest with you, Beth?” I asked her.

“Of course Bobby,” she said.

“I don’t think I will love any woman as much as I had loved her. But I don’t think I can love anyone right now, including her. In the unlikely case that she can stir my feelings back to life now, which is a highly improbable outcome, I don’t really know why I would have to put myself in very probable harm’s way again. She killed me, Beth. She decimated me. I am most probably dead inside for good. If, by some chance there is something alive inside me, which I seriously doubt to be honest, why on Earth would I put myself in danger of annihilation again?” I asked her.

“I know what you are saying. The truth of the matter is, you can never be sure about anyone. Not even yourself. You may hurt someone one day, Bobby. If you are with another woman, she can hurt you, or you her. Nobody is without blemish in this world. Everyone can make a mistake. She made a horrible mistake, and she has been paying for it for years now. If you don’t want to be with her anymore, because you don’t trust her enough – although I think that she has been so badly burned that she would rather kill herself than do any such thing to you ever again – at least talk to her. Let you both have some closure to continue your lives. This is an open wound for her and it is eating her alive. And by what you have told me, it may actually be an open wound to you too.”

Damn it. She was right. No question there. I had hurt more women that I could count. But it was her fault!

Bullshit. She didn’t hurt them. I did. I was most definitely without blemish. I broke so many hearts on my very own. Yes, she killed my soul. But how many other souls did I kill? I was not as bad as Nadine. I was way, way worse. If Nadine was Ted Bundy, I was fucking Hitler.

“That is all I am saying, Bobby,” she continued. “I hope you find it in your heart to forgive her. I secretly hope that you realize that she, in her imperfection and folly, is the perfect woman for you, especially now that she has fallen from grace. She is human, she makes mistakes, and so are you. You were not in the wrong this time, but nobody knows what is in store in the future. If anything, if you forgive her, she will have a greater capacity to forgive you, if you ever make a mistake yourself. You know why? Because she has been there, she has seen the devastation. She knows how hard it is to accept yourself after being in the wrong. Remember, nobody’s perfect.”

“Damn-it Beth, it’s like you’re trying to make a sales pitch here!” I said, almost chuckling.

“Actually I am, Bobby. I am trying to sell you the idea to talk to her, and do so with an open mind. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t want to see you waste your lives in unhappiness if there is a way for you to be happy after all that’s happened. That’s the central idea. From me, Beth, the devastated widow of your father, the devastated mother of Nadine who I love beyond words and am losing a bit more each day, and the devastated second mother of you, the best young man I have ever known, who I also love as much as my daughter.”

Goddamn it. She killed me with that. Gutted me alive.

“… OK. I will get in touch with her.”

“OH MY GOD!!! You will???” she said, as if she won the lottery.

“Yes, Beth, I will,” I said chuckling. “You win.”

“I hope that in the end, you will both win.”

“Beth?”

“What?”

“Not a word to Nadine. I need to think this through on my own. I don’t want you to say ANYTHING about this discussion. It never happened. Promise?”

“Promise, Bobby. Definitely promise. Not a word.”

“…and, Beth?”

“What?”

“No promises. I mean it.”

“Of course! I understand. Thank you so much, Bobby!”

********************************************

My hands were trembling as I tapped her name on my phone.

“… B… Bobby?”

“Hi Nadine.”

“… H… How… How are you?”

“I am alright. You?”

“I am alright.”

A small awkward pause followed, where both of us tried to continue the conversation. She made it first.

“W… Where are you?”

“Barker.”

“…B…Barker? You are here, in Harvard?”

“Yes.”

“W… when did you come here?”

“Just got here. Is it a bad time?”

“… It is NEVER a bad time for you, Bobby! Never! Oh my God! W… Would you like to meet?”

“Why else would I be here?”

“Oh God! I… I am coming! Right away! P… Please don’t leave, OK?”

“I won’t. Just don’t make me wait too long.”

“N… No, no! I’ll be there right away!” and she clicked off.

I spotted her fifteen minutes later. She was desperately trying to find me. When she did, she shone a terawatt smile and ran my way. She literally sprang on me, hugged me and cried. She cried for a long time. I comforted her and had her sit.

“Bobby, I am so happy you are here! I cannot tell you how happy I am!” she said, holding my hand.

All the pent-up feelings I had until that time, started coming back.

“I talked with your mother. She told me a lot of things,” I said.

“Really? She told me nothing… the little shit!” she said playfully. Then became somber.

“Bobby, I need to apologize. I am so, so sorry and so ashamed for what happened at your dad’s funeral. It was all my fault, one hundred percent. Please, forgive me. You were so right in everything you said…” she said.

“Yeah, that’s true. Anyway, your mom raised a lot of valid points,” I said. “I came here to see if they hold merit.”

“I… I don’t know what she told you… I… I don’t even know how to begin…”

“Do you have a boyfriend, Nadine?”

“… I… I had one, but we broke up a few weeks ago. He left me. I was not capable of loving him the way he wanted to be loved. He called me ‘dead inside’. And he was right. I am. I couldn’t give him something that I didn’t have. I don’t have a heart, Bobby. You have that. You stole it back in high school, and it still is with you. I haven’t ever stopped loving you. I know that this all seems so… so empty and stupid, after what I have done, but I swear to God, it is the truth.”

“Then why did you kill me?” I asked her, with all my grief apparent in my expression.

“Your love made me a better person, Bobby. But I let myself be influenced by women that wanted to have what I had, but never had felt it. They were jealous, and they poisoned my mind with their shit about experiences and all that. In any other case they would probably be right, as it is important for people to have experiences before they embark in life. But I had the fortune of having the fairytale as a start in mine. They all envied me, and took pride in getting me to kill it. Then we were all miserable, and that was OK with them, as they knew nothing else. Only they didn’t really lose something they never had. I lost everything. If they were always miserable, I was happy but became devastated, by my own hand.”

“So its their fault?” I asked her.

“Oh God, no! No, no. That one is squarely, totally mine. Nobody else’s. I should have been smart enough to understand that I had the dream, and to let them wallow in their misery. Instead, I let them into my head, and I destroyed the one thing that was of perfect value in my life. And for that, and all the lost time and the wasted feelings and the unbearable sorrow and sadness that I bestowed upon the greatest man in my life, you, and the most worthless woman in mine, me, I am the only culprit. None of this is on you. It all is squarely on me” she said.