Jackie Jaye

Jackie Jaye 01

In the beginning, I was sure that Simon’s sad story of how his cramped little Studio apartment was ruining his life. It sounded like a bunch of hocus pocus to me when he claimed that he couldn’t get a girlfriend because he lived in a shoebox and he was sure that his Murphy bed was haunted. I mean it on me thick, but just what hell of ghost is going to hang out in a wall bed, right?

But he did improve his chances of becoming my temporary roommate when he forced me to attend a City of Middleton town hall meeting where the details of the construction delay for the new Middleton Greenway Apartments Complex were presented and discussed. I gave him a little credit because the city and the developers were smart enough to get their cookies from Miss Paulette’s Home Cooking Bakery, so you know they are good cookies and the juice is freshly squeezed.

Now, I’m not calling anyone out, but as Simon sat there and listened to why his new apartment wouldn’t be completed until at least November, I sat there and heard the city leaders say that they needed more time to line their pockets.

Either way, I broke down, stole a hand of cookies, drank a juice and told Simon that we could sit down and go over a few rules and figure things out. And believe me, I’ve known Simon for a while and I know that he travels a lot for work and I’ve heard that he is good with tools.

So, I still plenty of time to lounge around in my leisure wear and live my secret life on Chang without much change. Oh, and I get those deck boards replaced and the Breakfast refinished too. I mean, it’s all on my “Jack’s rules” list and he going to sign it.

And rule number one will require a drop or two of blood. It clearly states that not only is our living arrangements temporary, every single Friday is reserved as “no visitors” because TV3 plays Vampire movies between 9 pm and 2 am. No exceptions and the drop of blood goes in that little square box right there.

Now, this is where I say it was just a coincidence that he seemed happier after he moved in and as far as Shelia finally agreeing to go out with him, well, I honestly can’t explain that one. But I’m willing to let a few things go and not ask too many questions because he hasn’t been asking me too many questions about why I don’t have too many friends.

And to be fair, I agreed that he could a few friends over once in a while to watch sports with literally any and every shaped ball, just as long as Ursula, Space Vampire and Ambrosia, Vampire Lesbian play uninterrupted. And by that, I mean never mind while I sit in my arm chair with a pillow on my lap.

I was actually impressed how easy it was to share my house with Simon. He replaced all of the top planks on the back deck, he OMG, almost made me lose it when he refinished the Breakfast Bar and his girlfriend, Shelia, is kind of nice. In other words, the first two months went by without any major issues and not once did he expect me to cook dinner. I mean, I did because I’m good in the kitchen, but he never took advantage of it.

I even managed to tolerate a couple of his friends. Cue Ball is funny as hell, a little loud, but very funny. And Chris, well Chris is alright, he just likes my butt too much. I know that the guys who play with every shape of ball pat each on the butt all the time, but they don’t linger, right? Hah, Chris does and he does that on Jack’s butt, not Jackie Jaye’s butt, so maybe a little confused gay guy or something? I don’t know and I’m not judging, yet.

And then took a turn. I’m not saying a turn for the worse or the better, but it was a sharp turn. And it wasn’t Simon behind the wheel because he’s whipped now and Shelia does all of the talking. In other words, Shelia may not be his first girlfriend, but she seems to be the best.

Anyways, Shelia had a proposal for the upcoming long 4th of July holiday weekend. They, I mean Shelia was hoping that it would be something I couldn’t refuse.

Her proposal wasn’t that bad. She started out by reminding me that everyone had Friday off of work because of the long holiday weekend and that the guys might use that as an excuse to barge in and stuff. She guaranteed me a peaceful Friday movie night if she and Simon could have a small Bar-B-Que party on Saturday night. I threw it back that our rental agreement already covered my Friday nights with Ursula, Space Vampire and that her proposal didn’t hold water. I mean, it’s scratched right there in red Sharpie, right?

Hah, being the intelligent and beautiful young woman that she is, she had a counter offer. She said that Simon wouldn’t say anything if I watched my buxom Vampire in my undies, as long as I covered up with pajamas and covered my lap with a pillow or a small blanket. She sweetened the deal by offering to find me a safe date for Zula, Vampire Bounty Hunter, which opened in two weeks at the local movie theater and holy fangs snap, how could I pass up a first run showing on the big screen, right?

And just when I thought it was over, she upped the ante and said that she already purchased two tickets for the Midnight showing and all I had to do was to make the three of us dinner this Friday before Ursula sucks blood from a variety of places on her victims.

“Your best stir fry and your dark wig.”

“Beef or Chicken? And I’m never going anywhere with Chris.”

“Chicken. You can look around at the Bar-B-Que party. By the way, look towards Chad. Any by the other way, ah, you like running the grill, right? You know, on Saturday nights.”

“Is Simon going to say anything about this or is he just going to sit there and stare at the ceiling? And my striped jammies are my favorite. They come with short and long leg bottoms.”

“Simon is whipped, so he agrees with whatever I say. I mean, you look at me sometimes, right? I can whip it up, right? Anyways, PJ boxer shorts will cost you dessert. Kiwi-Lime pie with whipped cream.”

“I don’t know, it sounds great, but it sounds like you’re taking advantage of me. I’m not whipped, you know.”

“Hmmm, let’s see, that bounty hunter Zula is the one with those perfectly sized thick thighs, right? I mean, those strong thighs are the reason she high kicks so good, right? You know, on the big screen. Oh, by the way, pick up an extra can of whipped cream, you know, just in case.”

“Hah, you have enough bikinis. But would your friend Pam be willing to pop over on Friday and show me how she makes those sharp points on her eyes?”

“She would and she’s probably going to stay for a stir fry dinner because, you know, it’s you in the kitchen and you’ll make enough to feed half of the street. She’ll be here before 6 pm.”

“Well, I always have a bowl of popcorn for my movies.”

“Hah, I got your extra butter. I’ll even take a few of those “caught” photos while you’re stirring that fry, you know, in your PJ shorts and apron. Your secret Chang followers will love those, right?”

“And you, Simon and Pam will hang around and watch Ursula, Space Vampire with me on Friday?”

“No, but Pam will come early on Saturday and freshen you up for the party. You may get those white dots in your eye lashes. Doesn’t one of your blood sluts use those?”

“Ambrosia is not a slut. She protects her village from outsiders. She uses the hypnotic allure of her eyes to capture the villains who what to steal all of the village’s women. The villagers actually beg her to save them.”

“Hah, that’s called a red pill, but whatever. So, we agree, right? We get dinner, you get your private moment to make a small mess in your panties and the next day me and girlfriends run around the yard all afternoon and evening in clothing that can only be described as inappropriate and drinking beer.”

“Fine, but Pam should help me with something up top. Tennis balls are stupid.”

“She may a few tricks for you, but I think that’s a baby steps thing. By the way, you know Pam cheats a little, right? She wears a fabric Peek a Boo bra. It forces her nipples out like that without looking like she’s wearing a bra. She’ll work with you. Come on Simon, you have three days to try to get me pregnant.”

Well, I was off and running and by that, I mean Chicken stir fry is easy and it will be the best ever because I have full approval to show off my smooth legs on movie night even if it’s just to Simon, Shelia and Pam and for only about an hour, but hey, it’s a start, right?

My biggest problem was that I spent too much time posting photos of my proposed cooking sleepwear on Chang. My other problem was realizing that I needed a new and improved dark wig to go with the new and improved eyes that I was promised, meaning I spent more time with all that during the week than I did buying Chicken, rice, veggies, thin flour tortilla bread wraps and a new apron to protect my new leisure sleepwear. And by the way apron makers, would it that big of a deal to make them cute as well as functional? I mean, where am I? In 1999? I mean, I missed that party.

Anyways, the apron worked and I knew I was cute underneath it, so I went to work in the kitchen chopping up Chicken and veggies and preparing to cook the rice as a side garnish. I had a timer set on the range, LOL, not for the food, but for Pam’s arrival and by the way, she was 11 minutes late.

“So, you’re Jackie Jaye, huh? It looks like I have my work cut out for me. Cute apron, by the way. I assume were using the Breakfast Bar because I see several makeup kits laying on it, you know, the makeup kits that you will throw away today and give me some money so I can bring you some kits that are actually makeup. I won’t let anyone at the party tomorrow see me handing them to you. Let’s get started and by the way, I’m coming over for dinner tonight too. Shelia said you know what you’re doing in a kitchen, so there would be plenty to eat.”

“Shelia told me that you would be staying for dinner and you’re more than welcome here. She also said that you might rummage through my closet and select the perfect paid of shorts for me to wear during the party tomorrow, you know, while I slave over the grill.”

“I will do that. What else did Shelia say?”

“Well, she said that you want a photo of yourself in a whipped cream bikini that you would have to take it as a selfie in my bedroom mirror. She said I would too busy slaving over the hot range to peek on you and she made me clean the mirror. OMG, I almost forgot, she said that there was a good chance that you would hang out with me tonight and watch Ursula, Space Vampire show her skills in zero gravity. That’s what she said.”

“LOL, and I thought Cue Ball was the funny one. Anyways, Shelia said that’s pretty private and personal to you, so maybe next time. But, ask me again someday, OK?”

“Alright. Holy LED lights, did you put batteries in my eye lashes? Are they blinking?”

“They just catch the surrounding light. So, can you figure out how to wear a button shirt, but you tie around your middle section? I’ll show you what I mean in a minute. Shelia thinks you’ll do just fine with a slightly hidden flat chest. By the way???”

“Is that code to compliment you on your pencil erasers?”

“Well, I’ve been here for almost 20 minutes. How many cans of whipped cream did you buy?”

“Is that code for you will “accidently” link a photo to my homepage?”

“Well, I did say that you can ask stuff another day. So, you’re busy in the kitchen for a while, right?”

The good news was that with no secrets between the four of us, the dinner wasn’t awkward at all and I when I say secrets, I mean secrets about me and my life style choices because I’m pretty sure those two girls have a few secrets themselves, right?

LOL, all except for how awkward it was to watch Simon eat. I mean, it was like he hadn’t eaten in weeks, which meant he got more side eyes than I did. LOL, and we thought Cue Ball was the funny one, but he was hilarious to watch.

However, true to form, all three of them excused themselves just as soon as the Ursula took her first male victim, which was the same moment I slipped the pillow over my lap. Pam was the first to exit.

“Alright you guys, I’m out for the night. Jackie Jaye, I’ll be early tomorrow so you don’t look like a clown and by the way, ah, does she always suck her blood like that? You know, from down there?”

“Shut it. She gets horny like any other busty woman. She owns the rights to her unique method of getting her meals.”

“Huh, well, she owns that guy for sure. Good night. Wait, if she lives in space and there is no gravity, then how does that, OMG, never mind. OMFG, you have that uniform in your closet Jackie Jaye.”

“OK, good night, Pam, we’ll see you tomorrow. Bye now.”

Oh, zero gravity corset snap, I forgot about her searching through my closet earlier tonight.

“Ah, we heading to bed too Jackie Jaye. Ah, enjoy all that and have a nice night. By the way, dinner was great and you’re going to make a fine wife someday. Come on Simon.”

And just like that, Shelia and Simon left me alone to watch my movie and you know what? I’m not ashamed what Ursula does to me. I rather enjoy it and by that, I mean I’ve never really had a girlfriend, so she’s my movie girlfriend and that’s that! And it’s not unheard of to have many pillows on the couch. It’s a fad.

The next day wasn’t even weird and when I popped out in a pair of cotton shorts, neither Simon or Shelia even flinched. Well, Shelia may have made a few quick swipes around my eyes to fix things, but that was it. Just as they both promised, they were off to the stores to get the food and beverages for the party tonight and they even nodded their heads when I mentioned that a few Tiki Torches for the back yard wouldn’t hurt.

Although I enjoyed my free afternoon hours to try on my shorts and tights, OMG, I wasn’t ready for when they returned with a truck load of party supplies. I’d like to tell you that this is why I’ve never thrown a party before, but that would a lie. I mean, a sandwich and a ice tea works for a party of one, right? I think we’re having a block tonight. Wait, this is Shelia’s party, not mine. However, I helped them to unload everything and put things where they needed to be. Until Shelia didn’t need my services anymore, that is.

“OMG, you have so much to learn Jackie Jaye. You go inside, shave and take a nice shower and we’ll take care of this stuff. You need to be fresh for tonight.”

And no, I did not argue with that. I went straight into the house and went straight into freshening up mode and admired the red undies that I was going to wear tonight. I mean, they match my pullover and all. The next thing I knew was that Shelia was speaking to me from the other end of the hallway. I know it was difficult for her, but she tried her best to explain that it might be better if I did something so I wouldn’t be all worked up tonight in the middle of the party. Because she couldn’t see me, I let out the biggest grin of my life. I mean, she was probably right, but listening to her explain it to me was priceless.

And no, I didn’t. It’s unfortunate, but I have more control that, but I can’t wait for the next time she tries to explain the birds and bees to me again someday, LOL.

My proof of control shined brightly as each guest arrived, meaning my nerves were driving me crazy. I mean, guys get hard when something pleasant is before them or the wind blows, not when you’re trying your best to stay away from being the center of attention. Those guys who throw around a ball of many shapes might say I was sticking and moving.

And yes, the first hour was nerve racking as hell and it made me want to curl up and die. However, it seemed like the guests got over it or they got tired of giving me the side eyes and they respected me, LOL, as the home owner only, but they eased off of me. And the party went on. And by the way, the backyard looked great. Which I think is code for it’s time to fire up the grill because people are on their second or third beer. So, I uncovered the grill and fired it up. Hah, people noticed that because I had to bend over to turn on the gas.

“Excuse me, ah, Jackie Jaye, right? I’m Chad and I was wondering if you needed any assistance with carrying the tray of hamburgers out here to the grill?”

“Well, Chad, thank you. I could use help with the Shish Kabobs first. So, what’s in your hand?”

“Well, I always taught that you’re supposed to bring something to a party for the host, so I got you something online, you know, with over-night shipping. However, I will admit that Shelia did it for me and I don’t want you to hold that against her or me.”

“LOL, Shelia is good at that “be all appropriate” stuff. But why would I hold it against you?”

“Ah, well, I don’t want you to think I’m all about tight fitting zero gravity suits and stuff.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just open it. It’s a T-shirt.”

Holy master pilot Spider, it’s a Master Pilot Spider movie promo T-shirt and OMG, that is one tight fitting zero gravity suit. And by the way, Shelia gets another dinner because Spider is a new character and there won’t be too many other of these T-shirts around.

“Wow, Chad, I don’t know what to say other than Shelia will eat well for the next few weeks. This is so cool. And would you look at the color blue of her suit? OMG, don’t be ashamed. I mean, that is a tight suit and all, right? Come on, Chad, these folks are hungry.”

I suppose that Shelia was sending me code by standing near the deck and tapping her finger on her cheek and OMG, she better mean to kiss him on the cheek to show my gratitude because that’s what I did. Her thumbs up meant I was getting better at reading code.

“Alright Chad, I got this from here, but I’ll need you help me plate them up in 12 minutes. Two Kabobs per plate. Hey, go take a head count and come back and tell me if you’re taking me to movies next weekend or not? I mean, you know about Zula, right? She’s a Vampire Bounty Hunter and she’s on the hunt for Ursula, Space Vampire.”

“Well, I know that Shelia told me that thick thighs are in and that Spider can out pilot any Vampire and I know Shelia said some other stuff too. This is a sports movie, right?”

“Hah, it’s a blood sport movie. Go take a head count and mention to Shelia that you forgot some of your lines.”

Which gave me the advantage because Shish Kabobs need very attention over the right flame. And my advantage was that I was in full view standing next to grill, you know bending over and adjusting the knobs.

“Well, Chad what’s the head count and what did Shelia say about you picking me up on time?”

“Hold on, I wrote this down. We need 12 plates and wait, ah, I’m picking you up at 11 pm, we’re having a pre movie cocktail at Candi’s Corner, I’m buy the large popcorn, wait, let me turn the paper, oh, we find a seat as far in back as possible and I shut it for the next 107 minutes. So, will you go to the movies with me Jackie Jaye?”

“I will, just as long as your request comes directly from your heart. Here, take these plates and maybe ask Shelia if capri jeans would be acceptable at a Midnight showing.”

“Wait, let me turn the piece of paper over. Ah, capri jeans would be a very acceptable manner of dress for the Midnight showing and my favorite color is red or stripes.”

“Chad, your words are so wise, but is there another piece of paper in your pocket that might say if we come back here to my place after the movie so I can make you some scrambled eggs or should we find a 24 hours eatery?”

“Oh, yeah, here it is. Ah, it seems like that I will love your scrambled eggs next time, but this Saturday, ah, Shelia wants to, ah, do dirty laundry on top of the washing machine, so we should grab some burgers and eat down by the river. Oh, and we eat for at least 63 minutes. Ugh, my pen was running out of ink, but if we do exactly what Shelia says to do, then she will make you a double-double bold coffee in the morning.”