Author’s notes: I don’t know what this story will turn into by the time it is done but I’m excited to finally put it on paper. I was in my early 20s at the time, a single mom of two toddlers, and freshly divorced. My life was in pure chaos but I was finding myself and enjoying it. I had a 50 something friend at the time that had instructed me to get out of my box and enjoy the fantasies in my head for real. I loved him so much that I took his wisdom for gold. I did that exact thing for a little over a year. Of course, I don’t remember every detail of the story so some will be fact and some will be fiction.
This day could not get any more infuriating. I think as I try to mop the floors of the convenience store in the dark. The lights have been off for about an hour for no apparent reason. It is hot, mid July, Texas heat. I am fuming but there is work that still has to be done. There will be no acceptable reason it isn’t done to my manager when she comes in the morning. I have been assistant manager for about 6 months but I am held to the same standard as any other employee and I want to keep it that way.
The door dings and I look up. Two men walk in laughing and cutting up. The taller one is in here all the time. He’s very plain almost on the ugly side. He has very pale skin, a long face, and extremely red hair. The other looks familiar but I can’t pick from where. He is tall also, dark curly hair, tan skin, and a muscular build. They must be on a break from the tire shop up the street.
“The lights are off here, too?” the dark haired man yells out
“Absolutely not, the lights are working just fine. ” I say sarcastically putting down the mop and moving to the front counter
I hear him laugh and say something else to his friend. I was not in the mood to play but the sarcasm I just couldn’t help.
They walk to the front counter with lukewarm drinks and bags of chips. As I ring them up the dark haired man keeps eyeballing me. I look up and ask him what with my eyes.
“You don’t recognize me, do you?” He asks
“Should I?” I respond feeling my body language become flirtatious
The way he was looking at me was like I didn’t have any clothes on. We stare at each other for a few seconds as I feel the flirtation turn to heat. His dark skin and hair contrast nicely with his blue eyes. However, I still can’t place his face.
“Let me jog your memory. I used to shave my hair completely and walk all over town before I got a car.” He says animatedly
I still can’t place him. I take their money and give the change. The red headed man walks out but dark hair stays. I walk from behind the counter to begin cleaning the coffee bar and setting up the coffee for the next day.
“Have a good day.” I call out over my shoulder
However, he is right behind me.
“I’ve had a crush on you forever.” He bends and talks into my ear. “I can’t believe you don’t recognize me.”
“I’ve been married forever is probably why I didn’t notice.” I say naively
“Are you still married? Go out with me? I know you are divorced now, your mother told me.” He says still talking into my ear
I could just move away from him. However, I don’t want to. This level of attractiveness doesn’t flirt with me. His air of confident flamboyance has me mentally leaning into him. All my alarms were sounding but none of then were hitting home enough for me to ignore him. It them hits me when I process his words about my mother telling him.
I swirl around and almost hit him in the face. His body inches from mine. I back into the counter and look up to speak “Stan?”
He grins a big beautiful smile that goes from his mouth, up his cheeks, and into his eyes “Yes!” he replies as he lightly touches my waist.
I recoil knowing that this man is danger. He knows my mother from the local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. This man could do me in. I had also had a big crush on him a few years ago. He moved away after he relapsed the last time. When he relapses it is bad, with a capital B. Everyone around him goes down with him.
He firmly places his hands on my hips and asks again “Go out with me, Tara?”
“Ok” I reply. The sex is why I say yes. The chemistry. The complete animalistic draw. I could care less about the other stuff. This man will just be a fuck. He will just be fun. What harm could come of it?
“Give me your phone.” He orders
I do as I’m told and pull my phone out of my pocket and hand it to him. He hits several buttons, hands it back, and turns on his heels and leaves. “Ok, bye” he says as he waves happily
What the fuck? I think as I look into my phone. He had put his number in. I instantly send a text “What the fuck?”
“Text me when you get off, hot stuff.” He replies back
I am reeling from the encounter. My body is tense from his touch, heart is racing, and my pussy is wet. I move around the store finishing up my next hour until I regulate. My relief gets there a little late. I impatiently wait for her to perform all the shift change duties. I text him as I’m waiting. I know I’m being a little too overzealous but God can anyone blame me. “I’m about to get off.” I send
I do not hear back from him. No text. No call. Nothing for several days until he walks back into the store. Thank God the electricity is on at least. “Hey there, baby.” He calls out flirtatiously as he walks back to the soda coolers.
“Hey yourself.” I say annoyed
“Oh, don’t be like that.” He maintains the flirtatious tone
I walk to the back of the store in my best no nonsense way. “What the fuck, Stan?” I say as I put my hands on my hip.
He turns and looks me in the eyes. “Oh shit, I guess I’ve got some explaining to do?”
“You think?” I respond with my eyebrow cocked
He takes a steadying breath and speaks “I have a girlfriend. I wasn’t thinking the other day when I asked you out. I’m so fucking attracted to you that I just didn’t care. Well, until I walked out of the store and reality hit me.”
I deflated and it was my turn to turn on my heels and walk away.
He follows me and catches up quickly, his stride comparably longer than mine. He swirls me around by my shoulders. “Let me finish.” He exclaims
“Why? How the fuck do you ask someone out and forget you have a girlfriend. Damn it, I knew this was a mistake. I don’t care. Just leave. Please” I say all in one breath. My heart rate at max level and blood rushing to my face.
He holds up his soda and chips “Am I just going to get these for free?” he says with a nervous grin
I walk to the counter silently and ring him up. He swipes his card. “Will you listen to what I have to say?” he asks
“Why should I?” I say. The counter between us giving me strength. I can officially say my feelings are hurt but I’m not going to tell him that. Hurting my feelings is the number one way to piss me off.
“I do have a girlfriend. However, she knows that I date other girls. We have an open relationship. The only rule is she has to know before I start dating someone else and I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell her about you.” He says hurriedly
I roll my eyes and sigh deeply. “When will that be?” I ask
He shifts nervously on his feet, shrugs his shoulders, and once again turns on his heels. “Ok, bye.” And leaves
I stand there shocked. I can’t believe this is the way he leaves a conversation. I really don’t know what to do except accept it. Girlfriend equals no go. Open relationship equals I don’t fucking know. I have never been in this situation. I’ve only been divorced for 6 months. My experience is that of nothing with situations like this. I don’t know whether to just jump and do it or back the fuck off.
I let it lie for several weeks. He has been in several times. We have flirted but nothing different than what I do with several other customers. It is innocent fun in my books. I accept it for what it is.
One day I go to leave work. As I am climbing into my beat up S10 pickup a black charger pulls up next to me. I hear the window roll down and a soft whistle comes from inside the car. I turn around against my better judgement and bend to look in. “Hey baby. Do you have plans tonight? Get in.”
“No, and no thank you. I have a car.” I answer
“Ok.” Stan says. Rolls his window up and remains in the parked position.
I back out and so does he. I start my trip home and he follows. My stomach is in knots as he pulls in behind me at my one room efficiency apartment. My home is run down. It is literally a stand alone garage with a room at the top. I rented it from my best friend out of dire necessity the last time my ex left. The rent was doable so I accepted the rest. I kept the inside nice but there no way to avoid the state of the actual building. This made me nervous because I haven’t had anyone in my home and I don’t want him to judge me.
He pops out of his car and skips over to me. “Are you going to ask me up?” he asks signaling his head towards the stairs.
“No, sex.” I order
“No, sex.” he agrees with a grin
He takes two steps at a time as I take one. He waits at the landing for me to unlock the door. We walk into the cool dark room. I feel the calm of home wash over me as I take off my shoes. The only light in the room is the sun coming through the window above the one window unit next to my bed. I breathe in not knowing what to do with him now that we are out of the safety of the store.
He plops down on the end of the bed and pulls me to him. With him sitting we are at eye level. He places both hands on my ass and kisses me. Hot. Hard. His hands travel up to my waist and pulls my smock and shirt off at the same time. His hands move up my back and unclasps my bra. My brain keeps screaming “You said no sex!” My pussy does not care. I lean further into him. He throws my bra and starts on my pants. Before he gets them fully off his rough hands start mutilating my clit.
The pain from his hands knock me out of my haze. I back away slightly but not for long. He stands and pushes me onto the bed. I don’t protest. I just don’t have the words, experience, or want to object. He finishes taking off my pants and starts pulling off his clothes. He pulls me to the end of the bed and starts ferociously licking and sucking my pussy. It’s too much. I back myself away from him. He pulls me back and resumes. I eventually adjust to the pain and begin responding to his mouth. His hands digging into my thighs. His nails raking down my torso. His mouth making my pussy beg for more. My hips are bucking into his face. Gyrating as harshly as his mouth is eating me. My hands tangle in his thick black curls.
I pull at his arms signaling him that I need him inside me. He doesn’t waste any time standing. I get my first look at his cock. It is long. It is thick. The head is huge. I swallow. Fuck, what have I gotten myself into? I’ve never been with anyone this big. He pulls me further down the bed as he positions himself at my entrance.
He does the same as he did with eating me. He starts hard and fast. He does not give me time to adjust to his size before claiming my pussy. “Fuck, you are so tight.” He says between clenched teeth.
He hits the deepest spots making me wreath in pain. I scoot my body further up the bed trying to get some distance to give myself time to adjust to his size and pace. He climbs up on the bed following me. He enters me again. “Slow down” I breathe out “Please”
He grins but does not oblige. “You will beg me to fuck you like this for a long time. Just get over it baby girl this pussy is now mine.”
He fucks me like this until he was right. My body starts to love how hard it is. How painful it is. My hips move to meet his every thrust. My back arches. I am screaming and begging “Fuck me harder baby. Make me cum.”
He thrusts into me a few more times until we both cum explosively.
He pulls out slowly with his eyes closed. “Damn, woman. I knew you were going to be good but you just took that fucking better than anyone I’ve ever had.” He says
I smile sheepishly. Reality coming into view and self loathing slowly starts to set in. Enough of the ecstasy was still there that I was able to enjoy watching him get dressed. His body sculpted with muscles everywhere. His muscles weren’t annoyingly big but he definitely had them. There was not an inch of fat other than his ass anywhere. His abs work as he gets his jeans back on and his back tenses as he pulls his shirt over his head. He sits at the end of the bed to slip on his shoes and stands again. “Ok, bye” he said as he turns and walks out of the door.
I lay there for several minutes numb from the abrupt leave. I feel used. I feel abandoned. I feel like I deserved it. This is what I’m good at. I let the air conditioner wash over my body until the cool air starts giving me goosebumps. I stand and continue my mental torture as I slip on my clothes and start to clean.
My boys are with their dad this week. This is the week I recoup and get things done. This is the week that I put together all my scrambled thoughts and then I go do this. Something that is going to make it worse. My phone dings from the floor. I pick it up, slide the phone open, and read his text.
“That was fun, baby girl. I’m sorry I had to run. I just get really awkward after those things. I’m not good at the mushy stuff after.” He says
I look at the screen and don’t know what to reply. Ding
“Quit being a slow texter and type back. I know you’ve read it.” He sends again
“It’s ok. It’s just sex, right?” I send
“Exactly. Baby girl. Just sex” He replies in record time.
I put my phone on the end of the bed. I sigh. Just sex. You said it. I can do this. No emotions. I tell myself. Somehow the proclamation makes me feel better. Just sex, doesn’t mean used. It puts a definition to what it is.
I resume my week. I do all my errands. I clean my house. I go to work as if nothing happened. However, my body starts aching for him again. It starts needing that kind of fucking. The pain. The ecstasy. The numbing of my thoughts.
As I left work and drove home at the end of the week I text him. “When are you coming over again?” I send
“I’m sitting at your house about to send you a text.” He replies speedily
“OH!” I reply
I can feel my nerves jump up in my throat as I read and drive. Do I really want this again? My pussy says yes, harder this time. I laugh at myself and roll my eyes.
I pull into the drive. He doesn’t even let me get out of my truck before assaulting my body and grabbing me from behind. Pulling his body into me. Biting at my neck. Talking in my ear. I push into him. My body already shaking and begging for release.
“Wait!” I say. My mind is revolting against my body.
“I thought we were going to go out.” I ask
“Just sex, remember?” he says as his eyes get darker
I remember and I cower. He begins again and I don’t stop him. His want is stronger than my protests. My body and want let him win.
We somehow make it up the stairs and into the room. He’s taking off his clothes as I take off mine. “God, I love those tits.” He says as he grabs them and squeezes harshly. He bites down on one nipple and makes me scream. He pulls me to him by his grasps on my breasts. My face crinkles with the pain but my back arches into him.
He steps back. Let’s go of my breasts and pushes me down to his rock hard cock. “Open your mouth.” He hisses out
I do as I’m told. He puts his cock in my mouth. He tangles his fingers in my hair and fucks into me. His cock goes deeply into the back of my throat. I pull away. “You’re too big.” I protest
“No, I’m not! Relax. Take that cock.” He says heated
After I take him again he starts pushing harder. Forcing my throat to open and take him. I place my hand at the end of his shaft to give him more room. I can’t maintain the deepness. He moans as I start moving my hand with his thrusts. I fondle his balls and feel my wetness between my thighs. My hips start rocking needing to feel this fullness inside me.
“Yes, baby girl. You want this cock fucking you like a slut don’t you?” He asks between pumps
I look up into his eyes and plead. He pulls me up with his tangled hands by my hair. He removes his hands and pulls me to his mouth as he consumes me in a kiss.
He walks me backwards to the bed and I fall. He places my feet on his shoulders and enters me hard. However, this time was not hard and fast. It was hard and slow. With each jolting thrust he hits my base. He has me screaming for more within seconds. He’s so deep I can feel him in my belly. He releases my legs and let’s them wrap around his waist as he lays on top of me. This pace is slower but makes my body respond more intensely. I wrap my arms around his shoulders pulling him closer to me. I relish in his heat and hardness of his body against mine. He’s at my ear talking to me softly. “God, I’ve missed you. I’ve almost come over here every day. I know I have to restrain myself. I can’t fall in love with you.” He whispers
My body responds to his words and gentle thrusts. His hands are at my hips digging his nails into me. He continues to whispers “I want you to be mine. This pussy is mine. You feel so good wrapped around my cock.” My body tenses. My pussy clenches. My orgasm begins to climb.
“Don’t stop.” I plead
“I want you to be my dirty whore. No one else. This pussy was made for me. Cum for me. Yes, baby there it is. Fuck that cock.” He whispers
My head is spinning in bliss as his words and cock undo me. He stands again and starts pushing into me hard. He pulls me nearly off the bed as my orgasm climbs with him. His head shoots backwards and he screams out as he pumps his cum deeply inside me. I can feel his release against my cervix as I buck up to him to finish.
He places me back onto the bed. He starts to get dressed when I say “Don’t leave like last time. Lay with me for a second.” I say quietly
“I can’t baby girl. I have to pick her boys up from school.” He continues to dress as I watch
“Ok, bye” he sings out as he closes the door behind him
I lay there once again but numb from all the emotions from his words. Does he even know what the fuck he’s doing to me? Is he playing with me? What the fuck am I doing?
I get up and get ready to go get my boys. I have no room for all these thoughts but they consume me until I go into mommy mode.
During this week he actually texts me consistently in the evenings. We would text for a few hours every evening until he would just disappear. Then the next evening the same thing.
The next several months went like this. He knew when I had my boys. He knew my general work schedule. He always just showed up unannounced. He either fucked so hard I couldn’t feel anything after or talked me softly into an emotional wreck. Weirdly enough I became addicted to it all. I adjusted. I craved how it seemed to help me cope.
My life became a wreck but started evening off. I couldn’t handle the financial load of being single. I decided to move into an income based apartment. Life moved into a routine. Weeks with my boys and weeks fucking Stan while I was juggling all the things inside my head. The semester started. I went back to school. I worked 60 hour weeks. I was living my best life.
I drive to my new apartment hoping he’s there and wishing he’s not. My phone dings “Where the fuck are you? You’ve been off for 30 minutes?” he says
“On my way. Chill the fuck out.” I reply
I pull into the parking lot and he skips to me. He swoops me up into his arms and gives me a big closed mouth kiss. This is new I think to myself. He puts me down and holds my hand up the stairs and to my door. Another new thing. I’m suspicious but not enough to ask questions.
We walk down my hall and into my living room. He plops down on the couch and leans back getting comfortable like he is here everyday. I eye him but continue to not ask. “Come sit with me.” He says joyfully
“Ok, what’s up? You’re acting strange.” I ask
“What do you mean? Can’t a guy just want to cuddle with his girl?” he asks innocently
“No! Not you. Not this much change. I’m not your girl. I’m your fuck buddy. There’s a big difference.” I say firmly
“That’s not fair.” He pouts “But you’re right. No need to be suspicious though. I’ve just been thinking. I really like you. I really like being around you. I think you are an amazing person. I want to get to know you better and show you how much I like you.” He finishes
I sit next to him and kick off my shoes. I lean into him as he turns on the TV and wraps his arms around my shoulder. We watch TV and soak each other in for about 2 minutes. It starts slowly with his lips on my neck, then his hand groping my breast, his other hand grabbing my thigh. I try to ignore it at first, wanting the cuddling to last longer. However, the touches and kisses start seeping into my brain and I go into a haze.
He begins taking off my clothes little my little. He’s not rushed like normal. He’s taking his time, piece by piece, to explore my body. I’m not going to question this newness. I like it too much. He’s kissing and nibbling my belly. My hips are moving to his touch. He removes my slacks. He kisses down my thighs and rakes his finger nails as he goes. He comes back up and starts licking my clit softly. Tasting. Savoring. He pulls my hips to his mouth. “God, you are beautiful.” He says into me. I smile to myself.
He stands at the end of the couch and strips down to his briefs. His cock hard and jutting out slightly. The head coming out of the top. He turns and heads to my room. “Come here, baby girl. I need to fuck you.” He sings
I do as I’m told. As I walk into the bedroom he is standing there naked. He watches me with a look in eyes that I have never seen. He grabs me by my hips and pulls my mouth to his. He kisses me passionately. He pulls away and says “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“Don’t say that, Stan. You don’t mean it. I can’t handle you not meaning it.” I reply and force his head down to kiss me again. He kisses me passionately and wraps his arms around my waist. He walks me backwards until I fall onto the bed. “Don’t tell me how I feel.” He says as he begins to ravage my clit with his tongue. I push his head into me partly to shut him up and because I need to feel his fierceness to ignore his words.
He comes up to my face to kiss me again and enters me. He forces himself in harshly. He’s angry at me. I don’t care. He feels so good but I don’t want to ruin what we already have. He places my legs on his shoulder and drives into me like never before. I’m pulling back. I’m climbing up to the headboard. He takes hold of my thighs and doesn’t allow me to get any further away. “Fucking, whore. Quit moving. Take this cock. This is what you want. This is what you need.” He grits out of his teeth.
This lasts for several minutes until my body succumbs to the pain. I lower my legs and wrap them around him. Pulling him to lower himself to me. He does as my body wants. He slows his thrusts. His mouth is next to my ear. He begins talking. “Do you know how much I need you? I look forward to seeing you every time I can make it over here. My body craves this sweet pussy. My mind craves fucking you until you scream.” He whispers hoarsely
My body is responding to his words. I pull him tighter to me. “Please! Please! Don’t stop.” I beg
“I want all of you baby. I don’t want to wait to see you. I want this pussy to be really mine. ” he continues
“Will your cock be really mine?” I ask
I had never spoken during one of his whispering monologs. But at that moment I wanted every detail of what he was saying. I could feel him in my deepest darkest places. Every part of my being was warring over my words. Don’t do this Tara. You know he’s dangerous. He will tear your world to pieces.
He pulls away from me startled. He continues pumping into me. Both of us wanting the answer. “Do you really want that? He asks
“I don’t know.” I answer honestly
He grabs my hips and cums. He does not wait for me he just takes it. I feel hollow as he dresses. I’m not internally beating myself up. I’m without words. I don’t know if this is over or if this conversation will just be forgotten.
He turns and looks at me just as I’m thinking he is going to leave. “You know I can’t give you all of me. You know I have Susie and her boys.” Then he turns and walks out.
I didn’t see him for nearly a month. I could have text him but I didn’t know if that was really what I needed in my life at the time. He was so convincing when we were together but when we were apart I could breathe. I could feel at peace with my life and the progress in it. However, there were those nights that I craved all the negative. All the need. All the want. He made me feel so good but so dirty. He took away the pain, the uncertainty, the stress and I needed that.
“You’ve been quiet?!?” my phone buzzes right as I’m getting to work.
“I’ve been busy.” I text back
“Not to busy for me? You are never too busy for me.” He responds
“I miss you.” He sends
I don’t respond. I start assembling the invoices, shift changes, and gas logs from the day before. There is a knock on the glass window in front of me. He’s standing there staring at me. I smile with my mouth but not my eyes. I walk to the door and unlock it.
“We aren’t open yet.” I say firmly
“You didn’t respond to my text.” He says annoyed
“I’m at work. You drove all the way here because I didn’t respond?” I ask just as annoyed
He walks to the door and pushes his way in. He looks hollow like he hasn’t slept in days. The set of his jaw and darkness of his eyes startle me. He pushes me to the counter and takes my mouth. “Do you miss me?” he says as he pulls away.
“Sometimes.” I answer honestly
“I’m coming over today.” He says as he leaves
“Thanks for the notice!” I holler after him
The day goes by slowly. I feel internally exhausted but excited. I am ready to see him. I am more ready to feel him. I get off and rush home. He is not there. I wait for a few hours and text him.
“Where the fuck are you? I’ve been home for hours!!” send
Nothing for days. Weeks. 6 months
By this point I had moved on with my life. I was dating a police officer that was talking about marriage. I was proud of my life and where I was going with it. My cravings for that kind of attention were almost gone. Or so I thought.
I turn as the door bell rings and there he is. There stands Stan. He stops dead in his tracks and walks back out. I feel like I am going to vomit but I contain myself and move on with what I was doing. As I walk back to the restroom to clean he is there next to me. “How long have you been here?” he asks
“Several years, how about you?” I ask rudely as I stop and look him in the eyes
“I meant this store. I’ve been back in town a few weeks.” He says looking defeated
“Nice, have a good day.” I say as I walk into the women’s restroom.
He props the door open with his foot and there we stand. All the hurt feelings coming back into my heart and head. Flooding my senses. “What did I do wrong? Why are you being a bitch?” he asks sincerely
He really didn’t know. He had no clue why I was mad. “It doesn’t matter, Stan. Just go home.” I say
“No, why are you mad? It’s not like I was ever anything to you.” He proclaims
I laugh. “You’re right. I’m not mad. You could have called before you left.” I say looking for a way out of the restroom. “You didn’t even text me.”
A look of revelation slowly crawls over his face. “I relapsed.” He said with a look of guilt “I didn’t want you to see me like that. I didn’t want you to be disappointed in me.”
I walk closer to him. He closes the distance. We hug. A real hug. I feel the anger leaving and I just feel sorry for him. We hold onto each other for several minutes when he pulls away, kisses my lips, and leaves. “OK, bye.” I hear him say as the door closes.
I wish I could say this is where the story ends. Stan out is my life for good. However, it is not. I still had the same number and I guess he did too.
Two days had passed and he hadn’t come back into the store. I was starting to breathe normal again every time the door bell rang.
I got off of work and drove home. My phone dings “Hey baby girl. I need to see you.” Stan sends
“Who is this?” I respond feigning ignorance
“Oh no! I know you still have my number.” He sends
“I’m on my way home.” I text back
“Come get me. I’m not asking.” He responds with directions.
I follow the instructions on how to get there. I really don’t know why I’m obliging. I know this is a mistake. I do not want to sleep with him. I do not want anything to do with him. I do not want to be this version of myself. I pull into the well known town half way house. He skips out of the house and jogs to the car.
I did not notice how thin be was when he came into the store. How drawn up his face looks. His eyes sunk deeper into his sockets. Somehow all of his muscle build was there but he looked older. He grins at me and says “Man, I’ve missed you baby. Let’s go get a burger.”
I sigh and look him in his deep blue eyes. “I’m really ready to go home.” I say
“Oh. Come on. We haven’t hung out in forever. Just a burger and then you can drop me back off.” He pleads. He looks so innocent and boyish that I can’t help but say yes.
I pull out of the driveway and drive to Triple T’s Burger. It’s a little whole in the wall place but they have amazing burgers and homemade ice cream. The parking lot is empty. I was hoping for a packed house. We get out and walk inside. Before we get in the door he grabs my hand and holds it until we sit at a booth. He sits across from me. I sigh inwardly.
We order and begin to talk. He tells me how he relapsed, the progression of events during, and how he decided to get clean again. I continue to feel sorry for him even though it was all self inflicted. I tell him about college, my boys, and my new relationship.
“Did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?” he asks
I’m shocked as my head snaps to look at him. “No!” I reply
“I am. I’ve never met someone as determined as you. You work so hard to make your life better and you don’t give up. Do you love this new boyfriend?” he says with a twinge at the end of the statement.
“Thank you. Yes, I think I do.” I answer
“You think?” he asks
“He just seems to good for me.” I answer
“No one is too good for you. You are the best. Don’t ever tell yourself something like that again!” he says with heat in his voice
“I’m so confused. I can’t put these words with the words you used to say to me.” I question
He looks confused and the food arrives. Somehow the conversation changes. We eat and have small talk. We enjoy each other’s presence. As we leave I feel lighter than when we arrived. When he grabs my hand to walk to the car I do not want to pull it away. I can feel the skip in his step and know he feels better too.
“Take me home with you. Let me spend the night.” He says with a questioning tone
“You know I have a boyfriend Stan.” I say
“You had me first.” He says
We sit and look at each other for several minutes. I can’t argue with him. He is right. He had me first.
“No sex.” I say
“No sex.” He says with a grin
We drive back to my apartment in silence but the air is thick with thought. He holds my hand and strokes my knuckles until that is all I can feel on my entire body. We pull up. He jumps out and runs up the stairs. As I am climbing out he leans over the balcony.
“Hurry up bitch I’m ready to get you into bed.” he says with a laugh and skips to my door
I feel the air leave me. All the security that I thought we just built. I thought I was finally more to him. However, I do as he says. I head up the stairs to unlock the door. We walk in and make it to the living room. He pulls me to him roughly and consumes my mouth. My body responds but my brain remains strong. He pulls my shirt out of my slacks and puts his hands on my bare skin. His hands travel under my bra. He squeezes hard. I squeal into his mouth. I pull away.
“No sex.” I whisper “I don’t want this. I want you.”
“Baby girl. This is us. We are amazing sex. ” he says with no doubt
He kisses me again. I push away. I pull my shirt back down and adjust my bra.
“You should not of come if you didn’t agree with no sex. We can hang out or I can take you home.” I say with my shoulders set
“Take me home.” He says with a bounce but his eyes are angry
I walk to the door. He follows me. We walk down to the car and ride to his house without saying a word. He leans over and gives me a simple kiss on the lips. He climbs out of the car and walks away.
I feel defeated but proud of myself. I feel guilty but respected. He could have pushed harder and I probably would have caved. He didn’t. I didn’t. I drive home feeling so many conflicting feelings. Self loathing that is countered with self affirming mental talk.
The next week or so my life is full of hectic norms. Kids. Homework. Cleaning. Work. My mind did not stay consumed with him. I moved on without guilt after my drive home.
After 2 weeks of silence I am sure that he won’t contact me. Without sex we have nothing. He was right all we are is amazing sex. Not friends. Not relationship material. Just sex. I was wrong.
I pull up to my apartment late Friday after dropping my boys off with their dad. There he sat on my steps. He looks up as I close the truck door. He gets up but doesn’t walk to me. His body language says he has something to say that he’s not wanting to say.
“Hi, baby girl!” he calls out
I wave. I’m actually relieved to see him. Just uncertain on why he is here. He bends and picks up a bag. “I got us supper.” He says with pride in his voice.
I smile. I walk to him and up the stairs. He follows me. We enter my apartment silently. He takes a right at the door and walks into my kitchen. I walk in with him and watch him rummage through my cabinets. I laugh and say “What are you looking for?”
“I’ve got this. Let me be. Go shower. Take off your shoes and get comfortable.” He orders with a wink
The last time he was this nice to me I didn’t see him for 6 months. I do as I’m told and actually enjoy a long shower. I feel a weight lifting knowing someone else is taking some of the responsibilities even if it is just take out. I towel off and put on my favorite granny night gown and panties.
I walk into the living room to see both of our plates on the coffee table with silverware and tea from my fridge. There is fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, with a roll piled onto the plate. “Well don’t you look sexy.” He says sarcastically
“Sexy isn’t what I was going for” I say with a curtsy
I grab my plate and sit back on the couch with my legs under me. We eat and talk about stupid things. We discuss likes and dislike. We talk about our favorite things. We guffaw about each other’s specific weirdnesses. “It’s funny that we’ve known each other for nearly a year and this is the first conversation we’ve had outside of the bedroom.” I say with a giggle
“I told you a long time ago I really like you. I want you to be mine. Now I can be yours.” He replies
I stare at him open mouthed. I do not know what to say. I want him but I don’t want all of him. I want to know him but can’t handle what that all entails. I can’t go down when he does next time. “You do not have to decide now.” He says
I look him in his eyes and smile. I put my plate on the coffee table, lean forward, and kiss him. “Thank you” is all I can say to him.
I will end this story here even though there is more. I have been writing it for a week. I am completely amazed at all the details that I did remember. There was actually very little exaggeration or added parts. I did omit several things because they will be stories all their own. Stan was consistently a part of my life for 4 years. He has been in and out of my life several times since then. I said good bye to him about a year and a half ago. I can’t say with any certainty that he won’t walk back into it. I can say that he no longer is able to manipulate me. When I make a decision I make it for me.
I started this story thinking I was going to tell one section of our story that was actually a lot more fun than the story I actually wrote. Thank you for reading it. Please leave constructive feedback.