Rena Raye Rowe

It’s quite difficult to say “no” when companies come around asking for sponsorship pledges and support for the upcoming Race for Health event in Middleton in a few weeks. Especially when all of Middleton knows I won some cash in the lottery a little back. However, I thought the local Florist shop made it easy for me when all they asked for was one week or so in the barn behind my house to jazz up a compact 4-wheel pickup truck so it could be used as a utility truck during the event.

And by that, OMG, am I glad they didn’t ask me to run in the race.

The little truck was in pretty good shape, but it needed a good polish job, new wheels, general cleaning and of course, big banners on the side of the bed that promoted the race, promoted the Florist shop and identified the truck as a water and energy drink station on wheels. It seemed like a good way to contribute, so after I contacted my insurance company to make sure I was protected against unforeseen accidents, which I was, and then I contacted Mrs. Belltower and confirmed that I was all in, just as soon as the Florist shop identified who would be performing the bedazzling work.

I was very surprised and delighted when Mrs. Belltower and a Race for Health committee member showed up at my door and presented me with a few documents. It was all very professional and organized. One document was a Volunteer Certificate, one was a small Incidental Insurance Policy and the third was a work plan that identified the two mechanic guys and their proposed work hours. I mean, it was all very professional and organized.

So, starting next week, my barn would be available to Lester Belltower and his chosen hired hand and friend, Derek Centers and their hours of operation would be limited between 5 pm and 8 pm for a term of 10 days of less.

Hi folks, I’m Randy Shell and I’m an outstanding member of the community and if you don’t believe me, just read that certificate over the fireplace. I mean, it says it, right there. And to kick it up a notch, I hired a few neighbor kids to clean up the barn a little to give Lester and Derek a nice area to work in. In other words, ah, I think I’m going to need another certificate over people. I mean, look at this place now, right? And what I mean by that is I need a classic car to house in here after the guys are finished.

As soon as the first day of operation rolled around, I changed the rules a little. I know Lester from around town and I might recognize Derek, once he gets here. One of my rule changes will be keeping the guys fed and hydrated, at my expense. I mean, what 22 years old guys aren’t always hungry and thirsty, right?

The other rule change will be that their host, Randy Shell, won’t be around much. Rena Raye Rowe will tend to their needs right down to washing their rags and towels at the end of each work day. I knew there wouldn’t be any issues when they pulled the truck into my driveway and found me standing in the back using my arm to direct them where to park the truck. Like they say, the eyes are the windows to the soul and the bumps on the chest.

“Hi guys. I’m Rena Raye Rowe and I’m at your service. I thought you might want to park it right in middle so you had plenty of room to work on both sides of the truck.”

“Hi Rena, thanks, that’s a good idea. Ah, I expecting an old southern barn. What is this? An apartment or something? I mean, where is the dirt and straw?”

“LOL, no, it’s not an apartment, but thanks for the idea. So, in a nut shell, what’s the plan Lester? And don’t start with you’re hungry. I got that part covered.”

“Oh, you know, jack stands, wheels off, power polishers, spray cleaners, grunting, banners, LED flashing lights, power tools, noise, more grunting and a little sweat. You know, vehicle detailing.”

“And no oil leaks on the floor, right Lester?”

“Well, we do have to work under the hood a little to make sure the truck doesn’t break down, but I promise that a greasy Pizza stain will be as bad as it gets.”

“Is that a hint? LOL, I hope so because the freaky little Pizza guy will be here soon. And by the way, that refrigerator over there is stocked with beverages meaning shame on you if you reach for a beer sooner than you should. I’ll leave you boys to your work. Did you look around to find places to plug your tools in, Lester?”

“Oh, I think I found a place to plug one of my tools in, but that’s for later. We better get started.”

Hah, I let that go and went back to house, which seemed to be a much longer walk these days, and prepared for Timmy to arrive. And much to Timmy’s dismay, I didn’t let him flirt with me today. I paid him and sent back to the barn to drop off the Pizza. LOL, I can hear him now telling Lester and Derek that I’m his woman and that they better back off. I mean, he’s such a little freak, right?

Besides, I had an idea and I needed to do some local shopping research online. If I can find the right set of overalls and shrink them to fit me the way I’m envisioning them, then Friday’s food delivery to the barn may be in overalls and a bra only and I think you can imagine just how visible the bra will be, right? I mean, it’s my property and my barn, so I can dress however I want to. If my idea works, that is.

I did manage to find a pair of overalls that were short legs, which made me think my plan might work. And a few days and 10 washes later, it did work and it didn’t work. When Friday came around, I had to wear a crop top under the upper part of the overalls, but they fit me pretty well everywhere else. And according to my mirror, I was getting point across.

As soon as I walked the Sub Sandwiches out to the barn, I found out that they worked good enough. For Lester anyways. I don’t think Derek has said 30 words to me since they started their project last Monday, but that was OK. Or maybe Lester told him to back off or something. All I knew is that my legs were freshly shaven and on display and the lower half of the overalls fit better than I thought they did yesterday. And because the little truck was red, so was my lip gloss and my undies.

“Dinner time guys. Take a break and eat. Wow, look at those new and shiny rims. They look expensive. And who knew, Lester, that my undies are a match for the color of your truck? I mean, what are the odds, right?”

“Hah, I’ll tell you knew. A little tease knew, that’s who. Oh, Italian Subs today, cool. Take a break Derek.”

Well, what the hell good is a tease when the victim has hands that are just clean enough to eat a paper wrapped Sub, but not clean enough to touch my smooth legs? Something to consider in the future, I guess.

“So, Lester, what are your plans tonight after you finish power polishing those bed sides? And by that, I mean you guys are getting this project done quicker than I thought and by that, I mean are you going home to shower and coming back to take me out for an ice cream or will you be too tired?”

“Ah, I’d rather not say.”

“Oh, I see. I suppose that’s code for you have a Friday night date already, right? It’s OK. I didn’t think that you were exactly single, so eat up and lock up when you leave, alright?”

“Wait, Rena Raye Rowe, it’s just a simple double date with Andi. Derek set it up last week, you know, before you volunteered your barn and stuff.”

“I said it’s fine Lester. Wait, Andi? Andi Andrews? My stalker Andi Andrews?”

“I don’t know nothing about that. Again, it’s just a double date to the movies.”

“Huh, just a movie, huh? So, it’s just a simple double date with my stalker and let me just say in advance, OMG, how dare you go see Vampire Legends, Cassandra, Vol 1 with someone else! It’s like you don’t even know me. You know what, screw it, what’s the rest of the work schedule look like?”

“Well, our plan goes like this. Derek shows about 3 pm tomorrow to add the LED lights and I show up about 5 pm to attach the banners, the magnetic door signs and put a couple of flags along the hood. After that, we both arrive Sunday afternoon to change the alternator and replace the battery and we drive it out of here on Monday evening. How’s that sound?”

“It sounds like I didn’t need to wear my new and soft red undies today and by that, I mean, whatever. By the way, my hair color is called “born red” which is sometimes confused with “born ready” and I was ready today. Anyways, I’ll be sure to give the committee a good review of you two.”

“Are we done with the jabs yet?”

“Hah, I’m sure your blind date, Andi, will enjoy getting jabbed by you tonight. You’re just lucky that she’s so damn cute or I’d be even more pissed off. Lock up boys.”

“Wait, if you know how cute she is, then who is stalking who? Or should I just shut it?”

Here’s the problem with being all dressed up and having no place to. OMG, you’re all dressed up and you have no place to go, for Pete’s sakes. Which is BS tonight because this outfit turned out pretty good and someone other than those two should see me in it, right?

Or I can sit around at home and post captioned selfies in these overalls with “ready to milk those cows” or something like that. Which is what I elected to do, for a minute anyways.

By the way Anon3928, LOL, I don’t have enough practice at “milking those cows” just yet to do what you requested. I mean, do you have two or is that a tag team request?

And I know I shouldn’t make a public post that I’m all dressed up and I’m going to Candi’s Corner for a little while, but you know, my finger slipped.

Thanks to Luci the bartender, I had a seat at the corner of the bar, which allowed my smooth legs to be seen from a few different angles around the bar and OMG, let the lewd pickup lines begin, right?

“Hey baby, where do you stay? Down on the farm?”

“SUP. Did you milk them good tonight?”

“Hey Rena Raye Rowe. Can I borrow those overalls next weekend?”

“Whoa, does the Farmer’s Daughter need a date?”

“Can I buy you a spiked cocktail?”

“Ah, Rena Raye Rowe, my boyfriend wants me to borrow them tonight. Can we follow you home?”

“Damn Rena Raye Rowe, the guys sent me over to ask you if you’re commando under there and stuff?”

“I don’t care what your name is. Do you need a smoke break?”

OMG and on and on, right? All these offers and all I can think about is Lester, you know, sneaking in his cheap feels in the back of the theater and you know what else? I bet she’s a master at the “hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket” trick and unhooking her bra without removing her shirt.

And SOB, speaking of the She-Devil, there they are, walking into Candi’s Corner after their sex filled movie date and for another SOB, wow, is her body so much better in person or what? Geez, I surrender. I was expecting one of those “beware” blind dates, you know, a really cute facial photo and a big surprise down below. But nope, Andi is absolutely all that, a box of chocolate and a set of hips.

“Cash me out Luci. I can’t compete with the She-Devil Goddess. I’m going home to reject all of the lewd comments I probably have on my Chang homepage.”

“Slow it down, Rena Raye Rowe. I’ve been watching them for you and I can tell you that she is the center of attention and she’s inviting it in. I’m telling you that this will be their one and only date.”

“Hah, this already their second date. I’m sure she jacked him off in the back row of the theater and there should be a restroom visit coming up in a minute, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh snap, did they go see Vampire Legends, Cassandra Vol 1? What a dirty trick.”

“Yup, She-Devil I tell you.”

“Well, don’t look now, but Andi the She-Devil is coming this way. Should I slip a knife across the bar countertop?”

What the hell? There are rules, right? She can’t approach me unless, OMG, she wants to fight, right? Hah, I’ve seen every Vampire movie ever made and I know all of the moves. Bring it, She-Devil Andi.

“Ah, hi, ah Rena Raye Rowe, right? Hello.”

“Sorry, my time is up and I need to leave right now. I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s a little crowded in here for me right now. You understand, right?”

“Well, hi, I’m Andi Andrews and he’s not my type. And by that, I mean I’m not stalking you, but I did use Lester to get close to you. Can I have your number before you storm out, you know, all pissed off and stuff? And please tell me that the bartender is ready to cut lemon and limes and not poor little ole me?”

Alright, just what in the hell am I supposed to do with that? I mean, I’m not her type either, right? However, I thought that I might want to figure out what her game is.

“Do you plan on calling me, Andi Andrews, or kidnapping me like the stalker that you are?”

“I am going to call you and as my future boss, kidnapping isn’t a part of my own business plan. By the way, I promise you that it will not be possible for me to tell you how he is in bed. But I won’t lie to you either. I have another motive. May I walk you out to your car?”

“Hmmm, my lottery money, right?”

“All I’m asking is that you hear me out.”

“Will you put your hand in one of my back pockets as we walk out?”

“I will do that.”

Yup, lottery winnings are more of a curse than a blessing most of the time because of situations like this. Uncle Harry and Cousin Kevin just appear out of no where all the time and OMG, everyone wants to be your “trophy” girlfriend.

“You have a soft touch, Andi Andrews.”

“You have squeezable buns, Rena Raye Rowe.”

“So, let’s hear it and be quick. My Chang followers can’t wait to do stuff to me, you know, the Farmer’s Daughter.”

“Alright. First, I’m not a monster, so I’m finishing my non sexual date with Lester. Secondly, OMG, you can do so much better than Lester, but I’m not judging. And finally, I would like to have a business meeting with you soon. You know, somewhere other than a bar parking lot. And before you say anything, I already know that your business plan is crazy as hell, but I want in. But that’s for another day. So, can I set you up on another date, you know, with Teddy? He’s an ex, right?”

“Well, I’ll hear you out on Wednesday, we can meet at Pebble’s Malt Shop. But before that, you should tell again just how squeezable are my buns.”

“Hah, this squeezable and a nice squeeze like this should be worth a raise before you even hire me, boss. So, I gave Teddy a heads up that you’re on the fake rebound and that you two have 20 minutes to make the next showing of that ghost bitch. Should I send this “yes” text?”

“She’s not a ghost bitch, she’s Vampire Legend, Cassandra Vol 1. She’s a new born.”

“Whoa, those titties aren’t new born. So, Teddy???”

“Does Teddy know that I like Smoothies?”

“Raspberry Red boss, just like your undies and your lip gloss.”

“So, just how do you know about all this stuff I like, Andi Andrews?”

“I’ve been doing my research and I’m going to be best thing to happen to your business. By the way, is this where we trade pleasantries? You know, I love your cute little farm girl outfit and you tell me that I’m at least as big as any of those Vampire Ho’s, I mean bitches, I mean Mistresses?”

“You could easily get a lead victim role and they would save you for the end of the movie. But don’t ever let me see you in battle call corset. Not that you couldn’t pull it off, but I won’t stand for it, date stealer. But never mind all that, I have no issue with Teddy, but I’m a little concerned about how much you know about me and by that, I mean will Teddy get a little worked up by the end of the movie?”

“Oh, it won’t take until the middle of the movie. And no, I have never used the popcorn bucket trick and yes, Lester left the movie with pulsating balls. I’m loyal to my future boss. By the way, my office will be located in Columbia and I’ll need two entry level employees. So, I sent the message whether you’re ready or not.”

“Well, just so it’s clear, there will be no squeezing or eye batting during our business meeting. However, because we don’t have an agreement yet, maybe, I mean be quick before Teddy comes out of the door.”

“Hah, is that code for squeeze both sides, wiggle it a little and you’re approving the budget I present? And by the way, eye batting is absolutely allowable, you know, from my side and from the side of my two employees. So, boss, will that pasty skinned skank get your button dick all worked up?”

LOL, she’s right about my business plan being crazy, but it does work for now. And again, where is she getting all of this personal information from? I mean, Rena Raye Rowe has been out a little, but everything on my Chang page is basically a lie, so where did the button dick come from? Nobody has seen Rena Raye Rowe that exposed. I mean it’s true, but it’s only known to me, right?

“Over here Teddy. The Farmer’s Daughter is all yours, just treat her right and OMG, run a yellow light if you have too. I mean, the opening credits have a dressing room screen shot in the background. And by the way, I know you two have a stupid history, so don’t let history repeat itself. And before you both give me those looks, yeah, yeah, yeah, Teddy you tried too hard and yada, yada, yada, Rena Raye Rowe, you flaunted and flirted too much. Find your balance and enjoy the movie and each other’s company. And yes, I am the level headed one, boss. Now go!”

Damn, it’s been a minute since I’ve been in Teddy’s SUV and it’s just as I remembered it. Comfortable seats and a nice guy behind the wheel.

“Long time, no see Rena Raye Rowe. Should I just drive or should we talk about how smart Andi has become?”

“Well, Teddy, you know Andi better than I do, so I may have a few questions, but they can wait. Look, I’m sorry about last time and I promise to be a calmer date for you tonight. I mean calmer after you step on the gas, I mean, it’s Cassandra, right?”

“LOL, some things never change. So, the back row?”

“The more private, the better. OMG, yellow means go like hell, right?”

LOL, we made it without any traffic tickets, but OMG, Teddy seems so much taller tonight. I mean, I swear we were closer to eye level when we fought about sex stuff a few months ago. Which is not what I’m thinking about right because a lot of folks in the movie theater like my Farmer’s Daughter look tonight.

“Ignore them, Teddy. Kiss me if you want to, right here in front of them.”

Oh, holy snap, he did. I was just saying one of those things that people say and he followed through. Luckily, it was just a quick peck, but damn, we were right in the middle of the theater! And I swear, if those guys over there searching for me on Chang, well, they better use #FarmersDaughter, you know, like Andi Andrews has been for the 20 minutes and just when did she take that backside photo of me anyways?

“Teddy, when I said to get extra napkins, I meant a lot of them. It’s a full-length movie.”

“And because we have a history, Rena Raye Rowe?”

“Hush, but I’m willing to rewrite a chapter or two.”

And here comes that be careful what you wish for thing because there was a fairly empty corner, you know, in the back.

“It’s OK Teddy, I like the privacy and so will you. I’m not as frigid these days. But hush, it’s starting.”

I’m still pissed that my newest employee has seen this movie before me and I let her know that via text when the studio credits came across the screen and her reply might have been typical of what was to come in our business relationship.

“Shut it and don’t be so frigid, Farmer’s Daughter.”

“Hah, I’m not milking his cow.”

“Yes, you are. #FarmersDaughter. 3X.”

Yes, she is the smart one, isn’t she? But let me remind you that it was my idea to get all of extra napkins from the candy counter. No, wait, she told me to do that, but, hey, it was my idea to sit in the back, shoot, that was her again. Well, I stroked Teddy off three times during the movie and never made a mess, so my date is happy, it was a great movie and apparently, the Farmer’s Daughter is trending on Chang. Wait, 3X means 3 times, right? Shoot.