Hey everyone. My name is Keith and I’m that one guy that every city has, even Middleton. You know, the guy who is afraid of air because air almost outweighs him. So, if you see me walking down the sidewalk and I seem to be floating on air, well, it’s not because I have that much of a spring in my step, if you know what I mean.
Unless you catch me out as Kiki Kiwi and that would be because I finally got asked out and I’m going. It happens to be with my amateur dare devil friend, Tony, but’s a date either way.
Tony’s pretty cool, but he truly believes that his “I’m still alive” lucky streak will last for 60 years. I’m sure the odds are against his making it that long given the way he challenges just about everything to give him it’s best shot.
My bet is that I live longer than Tony Miller.
Like I said, Tony is nice and always asks me to do crazy things with him, with “asks” being the key word. Anytime I would see him, he would be all “let’s jump out of a plane today” or let’s go swimming off the coast because the sharks are gathering” or “let’s have an egg throw with hunting knives and blind folds” and weird stunts like that. And when I would reply with a chuckle and a “thanks, but no thanks”, he would chuckle himself and accept my rejection. He pays attention to me, but it let’s thing go quickly.
And then he puts his hands on me a little because he obviously likes something and then I let him put his hands on me because he has an alluring smile, he’s gentle and he’s quick about. LOL, behind his back I refer to him as “grab & go” Tony.
A few weeks ago, at the Christmas in July Festival uptown, he changed his strategy. We ran into each near the back side of the festival and he “dared” me to go with him on an ATV ride behind his family’s farm land on the south side of Middleton. He must have caught me in a vulnerable moment because I accepted his “dare” for a Saturday morning run with the wild animals that live in the forest behind his family’s farm. I mean, My Chang homepage would get a big boost if I could post a photo of me with a wild boar in the background. I mean way in the background, but in the background.
When I showed up the following morning, I found two identical ATV’s pointing towards the state land that adjoined the farm. They actually looked pretty cool sitting there like that. However, most things were different after that.
Tony was standing there in deck shoes, cargo shorts, a concert T-Shirt and a helmet.
I stepped out of my SUV wearing a motorcycle leather jacket and pants, a snorkeling mask, hockey gloves, rock climbing equipment, snake bite shin guards and a neck brace that I bought from the pharmacy because, you know, bears and wild boars always go for the throat first. Oh, and I had a rope and pulley system with me too, just in case we get stuck in a swamp hole.
Tony laughed at me and waved me over. Tony laughed even harder when I pointed towards the flat grassy land in front of the forest, you know, where you ride the ATV at idle speed. He put a helmet on me and pointed towards a small space between the oak trees and called it a trial.
I used to think that I would live longer than the adrenaline junkie Tony and now I think we might die together, today. Which pisses me off because I was going to trick him today into taking Kiki Kiwi out soon. And I was going to make him an offer he couldn’t refuse too. I was going to let him know that Kiki Kiwi would be willing to have a picnic lunch on Tanner’s Cliffs, you know, the cliffs that are off limits to all human beings because they are millions of years old and crumbling because I still have this rope and pulley thing, so surviving the fall is possible.
Tony cut me a little slack and kept us at a fairly reasonable speed as I followed behind him through the trees. I made every ATV move that he made and it wasn’t so bad. However, riding in second place should be referred to as riding in “eat dirt” place and I know that he was throwing dirt with his rear wheels on purpose. So, I tightened my deep-sea diving helmet, bit down on my mouth guard and stuck with it.
When we emerged into a clearing on the far side of the forest, I made a mental note of two more differences between Tony and I. He seen fun with the swamp holes and I saw many mud holes to die in because no one would find us for days or weeks if we got stuck in one.
I needed a break, so I used the only weapon I had at the moment. I suggested that we take a break and lay down under a big tree for a while. I thought that he might like a few moments alone with me under a nice shade tree, but he just has to “one up” everyone, I guess.
“Tony, I’m getting tired. Can we take a break and have a water under this big tree?”
“Come on Keith, it’s like 300 degrees today. At least take the motorcycle jacket and pants off and live a little. If we do enough peel outs, those Wild Boar will get spooked and split. Now, take off those hockey gloves and let’s hit that mud hole at full speed bro.”
“You mean the mud hole that we don’t know how deep it is?”
“Exactly Keith. If the worst happens, you know, someone will come along within a few days.”
“Oh, so we just sink into the mud just long enough to let those Wild Boar, you know, to just “nibble” on our skulls?”
“LOL Keith, you’ll live, LOL, for a while. I’ll tell you what, let’s risk it all by blazing through the swamp hole on the left and then we’ll take a break under those two trees over there. Follow me.”
And away he went, straight through the middle of the mud hole. And of course, the SOB had to make it through which gave the magical woods the chance to dare me to follow in spooky tree breeze lingo. And I did, almost.
At the last moment, I swerved to go around the swamp hole, pulled hard on the brakes and ended up on my back in the mud near the edge of the mud hole. Tony ran to my rescue and picked me up and by that, I mean he needs to buy me dinner before he picks me up like that again. However, I did stop him from rubbing the mud off of me until I had at least three selfies. I mean, nothing says “macho” on Chang like a person covered in mud next to an ATV. You know, showing those guns. Or maybe BB pistols in my case, but hey, I’m mad covered in mud and that snake wrapping itself around my leg might not be dangerous.
“Alright, that’s enough of the fake photo op. Let’s get you under a shade tree and out of some out these clothes, but cool flip Keith.”
I sat under the trees while Tony went to his ATV and grabbed us two of the four beer’s he stashed in the small cargo compartment under the seat of his ATV. You know those types of beers, right? I call them “Tony’s Volcano” beer, you know, the kind of beer that produce three sips of drinkable beer after you pop the top.
“Damn Keith, I can’t believe you did something risky. However, your muddy and wet clothes will dry faster if you take them off and lay them in the sun. We can lay back here. I mean, I have two more Volcano beers.”
“Hmmm, and just how would that go if I were laying here in this very soft swamp grass in my undies? And by the way, I took another risk today, so it might be best if I just stuck it out in my shorts and T-Shirt. Take another photo of me please, you know, badly injured and laying the tree.”
“Oh, what other risk did you take today? Did you run a Yellow Traffic light on the way to my house?”
“Well, duh, but doesn’t the yellow light mean go like hell to beat the red? Anyways, listen, I know you like something, but you won’t tell me what that is, so it seems like I have to figure a few things out myself. Although you may be teaching Keith how to ride an ATV, you’re very close to exposing my inner self, Kiki Kiwi.”
“Kiki Kiwi? How’s that?”
“Well, like I said, you like to “hold” me occasionally, but you won’t say why or what you want, so I wore some of Kiki Kiwi’s clothes under my shirt and shorts. I thought you might like it if I wore an empty sports bra and bikini briefs.”
“Seriously? Well, let’s get you out of those wet clothes then.”
“Sorry Tony, but I didn’t think things through very well. Without my makeup, blown out hair and a few other things, I’m just Keith in a stupid bra and some very soft panties and that might seem just a little gay for you. However, I would appreciate it if you could at least give Kiki Kiwi a little credit for trying to figure out just what you want, OK? I mean, I thought you would put me against a tree and you know, feel your way around and discover a couple of things, but that moment is gone now.”
“Ah, credit granted, ah, Kiki Kiwi. So, will these trees work for you?”
“No, I made a mistake today. I don’t know if you ever noticed, but I never minded it when you touch me and I just wanted to give you something nicer to grip. But I’ll make you a deal. If you take Kiki Kiwi, who is quite cute I might add, out to Pebbles Drive In restaurant next week, I promise to be the best Kiki Kiwi I can be just as long as we stay in your truck while we eat.”
“So, Wednesday evening?”
“Pick me up at 8 pm. But first, are you still broken up with Eve? I mean, I can’t get involved in any drama and by the way, even though I’m cute as Kiki Kiwi, I’m not as cute as Eve, so be forewarned.”
“Yeah, she dumped me right after I took her White-Water Rafting without rafts. She called me with the bad news as soon as she woke up after her hip replacement surgery. I didn’t see what the big deal was, but apparently, she did. I mean, even I thought those river boulders hurt like hell, but come on, her medical insurance paid for the double hip replacement procedures.”
“Whatever, just as long as it’s over. I don’t mind that you’re on the rebound, but I can’t be a side piece. Can we go back now? So, we have a date and we both agree that we never do this ATV thing again? I mean, I’ll be supportive, but from the flat grassy land, alright?”
“LOL, I’ll pick you up at 8 pm on Wednesday as promised. However, I dare you to load up an ATV with burgers and soft drinks next Saturday about Noon and feed me and the boys in the woods, as Kiki Kiwi, of course. Oh, and we can meet in the middle, you know, in the boring flat grassy area.”
“Hmmm, if I accept that dare, will you accept my double dare and treat me nicely in front of the guys while I spreading the burgers and the soft drinks? I mean, on pecking on the lips, but make it seem like your date is supplying the food? I promise that the guys will have something to look at while they eat.”
“Boom, dares thrown and accepted. Alright, we can go back now. Hey, do you want to race home down Dead Man’s Trail?”
“Oh, so we’re not going out, huh?”
After we safely arrived back to his family’s farm, we sprayed off each ATV and by that, I mean he washed them while I stood back and waited for him to tell me the day of wild rides was over, which he did, but before I left, I had a few more questions for him. You know, around the corner and behind the Barn.
“Tony, before I go home and scrub up naked in the shower, can you admit that you got hard for me today? And by that, I mean I know you did and I’m not calling it gay and by that, I mean we’re behind the Barn so if you want to squeeze me good bye this might be the right time to do that and by that, I mean I not calling you out and by that, I mean you should just say what you want from me and you might be surprised someday. Not today, but knows, right?”
“Holy snap, I’m pretty lost about what you mean, but you’ll hear my loud truck coming up the street. By the way, you know my truck is all jacked up and sits high off the ground, right?”
“Is that code for when the roller blade server struggles to reach the window that I should crawl across your lap and lean out the window to help her and my crop top rides up so you get to see a little extra skin and maybe my leisure shorts pull down and expose my thong straps as I’m bent over on my hands and knees, you know, across your lap?”
“Well, you forgot about the part where the server manages to peek through the window and gasps.”
“Sorry, my eyes were tired from all of the code book reading I did last night. I just barely made it through the section that explains how I’m supposed to use my hands and your crotch to lift myself back up after the server snaps off a few “caught” photos for a Chang board. And by the way, you’re getting me in Denim shorts on Wednesday because unlike you, I can admit that I get a little worked up when you’re backing me into a corner and by the way, that’s a hint that you can admit stuff too, you know, when you’re ready to.”
Code book rules or not, Kiki Kiwi is going out and will be seen by many because of how high his truck sits off the ground. And because he didn’t make any special requests, I’ll wear my sassy little blonde wig and I just so happened to have a pair of military green boy briefs that he might just appreciate if he gets a chance to peek them. And by that, I mean my Denim shorts fit me so tightly that I don’t need the front button to be securely buttoned and by that, I mean I don’t think it’s illegal to sit in the passenger seat of a truck with my zipper half way down.
And because he agreed that we are staying inside of the truck while we ate, then I can wear my shorts with a pair of thigh high socks and no leggings or tights under them. LOL, I think. And of course, I have a tight sheer olive-green pullover to match my undies. And I’m only wearing a stuffed bra tonight because it’s a match set to my boy brief’s and because I need the practice. I mean, if I’m going to jazz up the ATV guys with cheese burgers this coming weekend, well, guys like bumps, right?
Oh, and I’m taking a light hoodie just in case we run into some people he knows and I need to cover up my sheer shirt.
“Hey Kiki Kiwi. Ready to go? You look nice, by the way.”
“Thanks. Just lower the lift ladder and I’ll climb in, Tony.”
We had a nice and easy drive to the drive in, although we seemed to speak to one another a little differently then we would if we were on the ATV’s and out of gas in front the bear den. But it was cool because it felt like a date and not a dare.
“Hey Kiki Kiwi, I dare you to return the tray to the window after we finish eating. Cool?”
“Hah, well, I dare you to take me to the Food Truck Wars in two weeks. Do I get to act all embarrassed while I’m walking across the parking lot in full view of all the other outdoor diners?”
“Yup and I dare you to bend over and pretend to pick up a coin in full view of Jake and his friends right over there in the red sedan. And sure, we can go to Food Truck Wars Festival.”
Well, we had fun, but let me tell you, adhering to code 113 was difficult, especially when his truck had a center console. I mean holding my pose half out of the window while the roller blade server girl opened up a Chang live feed took forever. Not that Tony was complaining though. I’m pretty sure that he was at least a co-author of code 113 because he maneuvered my hands on his crotch in exact positions and I mean he used a tape measure to make sure that I was touching him the way it was meant to be, in his eyes anyways. I mean, he didn’t really say anything, but he said a lot at the same time.
I thought that he would admit a few things after my successful walk of shame around the drive-in parking, but he didn’t and I’m not pushing him any further. If he wants a sneaky little relationship in the dark corners of parties and pretend like nothing ever happened, then that’s it. I’m not looking for a boyfriend and I’m not looking for a sexual relationship, I’m just looking to get out more and maybe eat some Kiwi-Lime Yogurt at the soft serve and eat it like this.
End Kiki Kiwi takes a dare 01