The Saint is the Sinner

Dear friends,

This is my first story. This is chapter 1 of 10 chapters. This is a slow burner and yes, I know, most stories involving gay men are rarely slow burners. I wanted to do justice to the characters of the story. To provide an understanding of a gay male coming to terms with his identity in life, the obstacles that he finds in his way, and the obstacles he places in his way. I dedicate this story to those we lost to the “big disease with the little name” and those who found the strength to survive it. I truly believe that even some of us survivors are casualties of that war. I dedicate this to Adam, my first love, and Peter, the one man that told me I deserve to be happy.

Please leave a comment or a rating, I am always looking to improve.

I would like to thank two people, without their help, this story would not be possible. My editor, 1moeannie, who took a mess and made it make sense. Wax Philosophic, who kept providing positive feedback, and kept me going. I would seek out both on the lit site and enjoy their work.

Enjoy

1988

 

“Wish I knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find”

 

 

Under the Milky Way — The Church

 

Bill

I graduated from the state college with honors as an engineer. I am not sure why engineering, it was most likely something my dad recommended. My dad and I, we loved sports, we had the same favorite teams. Although, I am sure he had a favorite team and probably said “This is your team too.”

My first job was at a large personal care company, my assignments were building production lines. My dad always told me “Engineers make the world go around.” He said I would never need to look for a job. Engineering was not colorful, it was not going to get me to jump out of bed every morning, but it was going to pay me well and take care of some student loans, so what the fuck!

I love spring in New Jersey, it is like a reward for surviving the winters. The colors seem brighter, people are friendlier, like the state could exhale. The state is known for a lot of things, but one thing for sure, it is known for the shore. From Gunnison beach to Asbury Park, to Cape May. It just was that much better from the beginning of spring to the end of summer. I lived in the middle of the state, an hour from the beaches. I grew up in Central New Jersey, therefore, my friends were from Central New Jersey, more importantly, Adam was from Central New Jersey. Adam and I met when he moved into the apartment complex I lived in. The only difference was, I lived on the ground floor adjacent to the pool. Adam, I soon found out, lived on the second floor overlooking a parking lot.

I was walking to my front door, and I noticed Adam struggling to balance cushions on top of a coffee table, I couldn’t see his face, just a body with a table and cushions.

“Let me help.”

I grabbed one end of the table and started walking backwards to the stairs leading up to his apartment.

“You’re a life saver, “Thanks.”

We walked slowly up the stairs to the second landing. I stopped and said, “What’s your number?”

“Two G on your right.”

I made the right-hand turn and reached for the doorknob to two G opened the door and walked into an already crowded living room.

“Wow, a lot of stuff.” I observed as I placed my end of the table on the floor.

Adam placed his end of the table down, laughing “This is half of it”.

That is when I first looked at Adam. The hair on my neck stood up, and I felt hot and flushed all at the same time. He had this crooked grin on his face, such a great smile. It was his eyes that I could not look away from. They were so blue, seeming almost fake blue. He was my height, roughly six feet, and like me, no more than one-fifty. He looked solid, while I just looked thin.

“What the fuck,” I thought to myself. “I just met this guy and I think I am having a heart attack.”

“I’m Bill, welcome to the neighborhood.”

“Adam, thanks”

We shared small talk, as I looked around his apartment, and thought he could not add any more stuff, there is simply no room for more. Then he pulled me out of my daydream.

“Earth to Bill.” He joked.

Turning red “Sorry, I just can’t imagine you bringing more stuff in here.”

“Yea of little faith. When we get done moving the rest of my stuff in, I will share my vision.”

I scratched my head “We?”

“We, Bill.” He smiled again.

The smile again, stop it!

“For two reasons.” He looked at me. “One, you really want to know where all this stuff is going, and two, there will be pizza and beer at the end of the rainbow.”

Over the next two hours, we moved the rest of his stuff from his rental truck into his apartment. True to his word, when we were done, he asked for a recommendation for a pizza place. He already had beer chilling in his fridge. When the pizza arrived, we cleared a table and chairs of boxes, sat down, ate a lot of pizza and talked. The conversation was easy, almost too easy. Like we were lifelong friends, catching up. He made fun of me being an engineer, I made fun of him being a bartender. We laughed at the same thing and never really had an awkward silence. I knew in my mind, that Adam would be a friend for a very long time, and oddly enough, I could tell he thought the same of me. We even talked politics, Reagan going to the Soviet Union to meet Gorbachev, and Gorbachev’s blotch on his head. We laughed when I said, “He couldn’t possibly get laid.” Then the conversation got serious.

“So, Bill, no Mrs. Bill?” he inquired.

“Nope” I stated firmly.

“No Mr. Bill?” he said with that stupid grin.

“Nope, not gay.” I said that almost defensively.

“What about you, is there an Eve, to your Adam?” with a little playfulness in my tone. “Or an Adam and Adam?”

“Nope, like you, I’m a loser too.”

I started laughing. “Wait a minute, who is older?”

Adam to a long drink of his third beer. “Well, I’m 26, and you are?”

“You are the loser, I’m 23” I said laughing rather loudly.

“Well Billy-Boy, it looks like we are quite the pair.”

This is so strange!

Summer of 1988

 

“You got a fast car. Is it fast enough so we can fly away? We gotta make a decision. Leave tonight, or live and die this way

 

 

Fast Car — Tracy Chapman

 

As spring moved into summer, we spent almost all our time together. Adam would sometimes invite me to his bar in Jersey City, and I would drink for free. I just always had to leave a decent tip. It seemed that bartenders never really got an hourly wage. Tips were everything. The bar was next to a go-go bar which shared the liquor license. I found out later the go-go bar did not served drinks, they told their patrons to go next door, buy a six pack and the girls would be totally nude. Adam would always try to give me a few beers and tell me to go to check out the girls. I never did. I told him that they were not my type and would not drain me dry of one-dollar bills. I sat at the end of the bar and Adam, and I would pretty much talk all night. Sometimes I would stay, help him clean up, and then we would drive home in separate cars, but hang out on his balcony to simply talk some more.

Adam and I became best friends. While on the outside looking in, it may have been strange that two guys who never met before, just clicked, I never really thought about it. We were just two guys who preferred each other’s company and got along so well. Nothing was forced, there were no disagreements, or uncomfortable silences, it was always light and fun. Adam had this sixth sense with me. He knew if I were taking something too seriously, he would make fun of me. He reminded me It was summer; summer was supposed to be about fun.

Adam

I have always been a little laid back; my parents would say “I have no ambition or drive.” I would always tell them that I had time. At 26, even I felt I needed to get my shit together. Bartending was fun, but I was pretty sure, there was no retirement plan.

Bill and I got along well, I never met someone who made me laugh so much. I am pretty sure it was not intentional. He was always a matter of fact. He kept saying “I concur” if he agreed with me. Not yes or no, just “I concur”. There was something about him, something behind his eyes. If I looked on occasions, I would see a sadness in his eyes. Something he wanted to say or do, but he lacked the courage or understanding to say it. It was almost like he did not understand something and that was making him sad. There were times where I wanted to sit him down and force him to spit it out. Tell me what he was really thinking.

I was hardly able to preach. I had been in the closet my whole life and only came out to a handful of friends. Truth be known, I came out to exactly two. A friend from the bar, believe it or not, a go-go dancer named Vivian. Vivian told me she knew I was gay, she’d sensed it. She confided in me that she was a lesbian, and she knew someone was gay a mile away. I could not tell Bill I was gay. I could not take the chance that it would ruin our friendship. In a short time, he became my best friend, he meant that much too me. Not seeing him every day would be too much for me. The thought of this exhausted me sometimes.

“I’m going to a club in Asbury Park on Saturday. You want to come?”

Bill looked at me like I was a tourist “I’ve been to the Stone Pony a thousand times, believe it or not Springsteen does not live there,” with a bored expression on his face.

“No, not the Pony, a dive bar around the corner from the Pony”

“You been there before?” Bill asked

“No, a friend told me about it. Cheap drinks all night.”

Bill looked at me strangely, then finally I said “Listen, I’ll drive, you just have to bring your drinking shoes.”

Saturday night, I wore a pair of jeans and a tee shirt with my bar name on it. I figured if the bartender knew I was a bartender, then the drinks would be cheaper. My jeans were on the tight side, I guess at 26, I did not lose weight as fast as I use too. Either way, I thought I looked good. It was strange, but I wanted Bill to think I looked good. I walked downstairs to Bill’s apartment and opened his door. We had stopped knocking on each other’s door, we would just walk in. We had gotten so comfortable with one another, that knocking on the door seemed odd.

“Billy-Boy you ready?”

“In a minute,” he yelled out from his bedroom.

As I approached his bedroom, I could see the door was slightly open. I stopped dead in my tracks, Bill was pulling up his underwear, but I caught a glimpse of his ass. If the dictionary had a definition of a biteable ass, Bill’s picture would he next to the definition. It was perfect! No hair, so round. It looked firm, it looked perfect. I instantly got a hard on for my friend.

Without him knowing, I quickly turned around and went to the living room, and yelled again “Billy-Boy, we are wasting drinking time.”

“Why you are shouting, I’m right here.”

I was flush, and dizzy, as I turned around, Bill had on a pair of shorts and a red tee shirt from college. He looked so good.

“What is the matter with you” he asked. “You look white as a ghost”

I just looked at him “I’m thirsty, and you’re causing me to lose drinking time.”

Bill laughed “I concur, let’s go.”

The ride down the Parkway was the usual, we talked non-stop about anything. It made an hour drive seem like 10 minutes. Sometimes driving with Bill was so great I was almost sad when we arrived at our destination.

We made it to the bar, and yes believe it or not, we parked across the street from the Stone Pony.

“Do not say a word!” I warned.

“I didn’t park here, you did. I would have parked anywhere but here.” Bill started laughing “Even Ocean Grove.”

We walked inside, and the second we walked in, I knew I fucked up. The place was in fact a dive, could have or should have been condemned. It was dark, except for small candles on each round table. As we walked my feet stuck to the floor. If the music were not so loud, I swear I would hear my feet squishing from the floor. There were a few people at other tables. Men were kissing, hands were disappearing in each other’s pants. One guy was on his knees giving a guy a blow job. Once Bill and I walked in, it seemed that everyone stopped what they were doing just to watch us walk in. One look at Bill and I knew he was uncomfortable. He had the “deer in the headlight” look. I brought him to his first gay bar and did not have the courtesy to at least give him a heads up.

I was just about to stop and pull Bill out of there, when the bartender said, “Take the table in the corner, someone will get your drink order in a minute.”

I think out of fear, Bill retreated to the table with his back to the wall. I pretty much came by his side, not sure whether it was to be close to him or from the same reaction he was having.

Bill looked at me with a straight face “You do know we are going to die tonight, right?”

Some leather guy out of the Village People came up to us.

“What you boys having?” He was in fact drooling at Bill.

“I’ll have a Bud.” I said.

The leather guy did not take his eyes off Bill.

“Ummmmmm make that two,” Bill said.

I looked at Bill and said “Springsteen, can walk into this place at any minute.”

Bill smiled and said, “The big man would be Mr. Leather’s date.”

“That is a shame, I am positive that Mr. Leather only has eyes for you.” I half-heartedly joked.

Mr. Leather walked to our table and placed our drinks in front of us. Never taking his eyes off Bill.

“You boys let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thanks” I said with a cough.

Bill and I clinked bottles and smiled “Bottoms up!”

Bill almost choked on his beer “Not here!”

We blocked off the rest of the world and talked, as if we were at the Stone Pony, or any other bar. It did not matter what was going on around us, we enjoyed ourselves, had a few more beers, even ate some popcorn that I believe that was free for Bill from Mr. Leather.

I looked at Bill “How are you going to handle Mr. Leather? He has been giving you serious kiss me eyes all night.”

“I’ll just tell him that you are my date.” He calmly responded.

“I don’t know, I mean, I have a standard,” I joked.

“I don’t meet your standards?” Bill giving me a side glance with the tilt of his head.

He was really turning me on!

Tongue in my cheek, “Let’s just say, that I expect any women that I spend 1.00 per beer for, to put out.”

“Ewwwwww, you have no standards.” Bill providing a disgusted look.

“True, but a standard is a standard.”

Life is funny, some things you remember like it happened yesterday. This is the one moment I will always remember. We just looked at each other, not saying a word. Bill had a tear in his eye. He was begging me to say something, anything to stop his tears. I just looked at him, time had stopped. I got scared. I did not want ruin our friendship. Bill not realizing he was falling for me just could not say what we both wanted to hear. I was no better, and in that moment, I knew without a doubt I had fallen deep for him.

Fuck, I am going to kiss him. Fuck it!

Bill shaking his head “This place is a dump, I’m leaving!”

Bill abruptly walked out and waited for me at the car.

My moment was gone.

For the first time since we met, we did not say a word to each other the entire drive home. Bill looked straight ahead, while occasionally I would steal glances at him. I did not say a word as well. Bill got out of my car and walked to his apartment. He did not say a word to me.

 

“I want that love, king of emotion. Stronger than you and so much deeper than me. I know that love is king of emotion. King of emotion take a walk with me”

 

 

King of Emotion — Big Country

 

Adam

I have been working nights at the bar and have not seen Bill since we came back from Asbury Park. He has not returned my calls or even called me. Other than when we started our friendship, we would either see each other or talked to each other every day. Since my fuck up, I have not seen my friend.

Since I was the mature one, all 26 years. I decided to be the aggressor. If I were to go down in flames, I was going down in flames, but it was my call. I decided to leave work early and walk into Bill’s apartment. I had someone cover for me, I got home and walked to Bills door. As I had done so many times, I turned the doorknob to walk into his apartment, it was locked!

Now I was mad. I started ringing his doorbell, repeatedly.

“Bill, I am waiting here all night if I have to, might as well answer the door.” I shouted at the door.

God, I am making a scene.

Nothing. I start ringing the doorbell again. Suddenly the door opens. An older man, in a suit is standing there.

“What is your problem?” he growls at me.

“Sorry, I was looking for Bill.” I reply sheepishly.

“Bill is gone, he traded apartments and jobs with me. We agreed on transfers to different production plants. He is out west.”

“You Adam?” He asked.

“Yes.” A sinking feeling overwhelming me.

“Before you ask, he told me not to tell you where he is going.”

Tears were forming in my eyes now. “Did he say why?”

“No, you must have struck a nerve. He was crying like a wimp, just like you.” he replied unsympathetically.

Two years later…

 

“Since you’ve been gone, I can do whatever I want. I can see whomever I choose. I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant. But nothing, I said nothing can take away these blues”

 

 

Nothing Compares 2 U — Prince

 

Bill

1990

When people think of Utah, they think of skiing, and mountains. But there are fucking mountains all over the place! My dad would always say “You can swing a dead cat…” In Utah, you cannot swing a dead cat without hitting a fucking mountain! I used to say, that Jersey winters were brutal, but Utah makes Jersey seem like Florida in the winter. It is that fucking cold. It has been a little over two years since I traded jobs and apartments with Arnold. Like the coward that I am, I ran away from the one guy I should have run too. It was not Adam’s fault that I did not have the nerve to kiss him in Asbury Park that night. I so wanted to touch him that night. To smell him, to hold him. Like everything in my life, I turned it to shit and ran.

I have been a hermit here in Utah, work, home, work, home, repeat. I eat out a lot, I just hate cooking and eating alone. Back in Jersey I had Adam to share dinner with.

Just as I was about to go out, the phone rang.

“Bill speaking,”

“Bill, this is Arnold, how you are doing?”

“Good man, what can I help you with?” Even though taking the trade in Utah was my idea, it was also a favor to him. He was burning bridges in Utah and had to get out. He always made it sound like I owed him a favor.

“Some hot chick named Vivian came by. Told me your friend Adam is sick, and wanted you to know, he was at JFK in Edison. She said it was serious.” He informed me.

I was quiet, really did not know how to act or what to say.

“You, there man?”

“Yeah, thanks” I hung up.

 

“In France a skinny man died of a big disease with a little name”

 

 

Sign O the Times — Prince

 

When people say you run on autopilot, you really do not know what they are talking about, ’til it’s you. I called my boss, told him I need time to go back east for a family emergency, I booked a red eye flight that night. The flight was three hours, it seemed like one hundred and three hours. I finally touched down in Newark Airport. I took the first cab to JFK. I walked through the emergency door, they told me to go to the second floor and speak with the nurses there. When I arrived, I gave them Adam’s name and asked where he was and if I could see him.