I like the ‘Honey we have to talk’ stories, and the different reactions of the (usually) husband. This is my short take on the theme No action, just a discussion.
And a nod to Merchant of Venice. Thanks, Will.
*
TUESDAY
“I want to have sex with another man.” said Lois.
“Not a chance.” replied Ed, his jaw dropping. But before he could respond further, she plunged on.
“I understand your reaction, but please let me finish.”
“If you must.”
“It would just be sex, and just the once. You’ve always been logical and fair. So, I want to discuss it with you properly, on Saturday evening. You have till then to marshal your thoughts. I tell you why it’s ok; you tell me why it’s not. And I’ll bring a referee who’ll judge which one of us produces the best argument.”
“Who’s the judge?”
“Doris. She works in our Human Resources at Dortech, and promises to be impartial.”
Ed considered it.
“I agree. Saturday it is. But I may have some questions before then.”
“Fair enough. But I won’t divulge any of my arguments.”
WEDNESDAY
“So, what’s logical got to do with it. Lois?”
“Remember when we were living in Basingstoke, and I got this job in Southampton?”
“Sure.”
“Well, I suggested we move to Winchester, about halfway between the two. But you said it wasn’t logical. We’d both have to travel, and maintain two cars.”
“I did.”
“So, you gave me the choice of living in one place or the other. I chose here in Southampton, and I go to work on the bus.”
“Right, logical. Now I do all the driving. But when I get home, you’ve cooked dinner and we can unwind. And we save thousands, only running one car.”
“Exactly.”
“But what’s that got to do with you wanting a Get out of Jail Free card?”
“It’s the way you think. You presented a logical argument, and now you are happy to put up with a little discomfort, and make our lives easier. And our lifestyle shows you were right.”
“Thanks.”
“So, I’m asking you to do it again. Tell me, logically, why I shouldn’t be allowed to do this. Give me the chance to argue my case.”
THURSDAY
“I have a question.”
“OK.”
“Do you already have someone in mind?”
“Absolutely not.”
“You swear? Nobody you’ve had your eye on? You’ll really be starting from scratch?”
“I swear. No-one in mind.”
FRIDAY
“Is your plan to hurt me?”
“No! I love you Ed. I don’t want another man in my life. I just want to try sex with somebody else. It doesn’t matter if he has a bigger or smaller dick. Or if he’s taller or hairier than you. I just need to try somebody different.”
SATURDAY
“As this is Lois’s idea, I think she should present her case first.” said Doris. “I won’t join in unless one of you asks.”
Lois took a deep breath.
“To start with, I want you to understand the difference between love and sex. This discussion is going nowhere, if you believe they’re one and the same.”
“Demonstrate.” said Ed.
“There are different kinds of love. The way you feel about strawberries and cream, me, your mum, Shawshank Redemption, are not the same.”
“But I call them all love.”
“Yes.”
“It follows that there are different kinds of sex. With love, the way we do it, is the most important one. But there’s also lust in a one-night stand, sex when you’re lonely or scared. Sex when you’re forced, or for money.”
“And you would like to add — sex out of curiosity.”
“Yes. Paul Newman was once interviewed about opportunities for affairs. He said something like: ‘If you have steak at home, why go out for a burger?’ I know he was trying to pay Joanne Woodward a compliment, but his analogy is wrong. You’re the logical one, tell me why.”
“Because eating steak every day, would get boring. Sometimes you fancy a burger. So, is that what you’re saying? You’re bored with me?”
“Certainly not. But our love life might get a bit dull in, say, thirty years from now. I don’t want to wait that long. I want to try someone different now.”
“Hmm. OK, love and sex are different. Go on.”
“Next. I was a virgin when we met. We’re in our thirties now, and have potentially been sexually active for half our lives. You had at least three girlfriends, before me. But I’ve only ever been with you.”
“And you want to even the score?”
“I admit there is an element of that, yes. Just one man, on one occasion, is far from getting even though. I think it’s fair. I don’t want to go to my grave only ever having had sex with one man.”
“Anything else?”
“I just don’t think jealousy is logical. You have seen me using my dildo.”
“I have.”
“Well, there you are then. You aren’t jealous of that.”
Doris smiled, for the first time.
“You’ve even got me off with it. It’s just a thing that gives me pleasure. Though not nearly as much as you do, obviously. Another man will be the same. Just mechanical sex. If you make a logical choice, that shouldn’t make you uncomfortable. That’s my argument done.”
There was a pause.
“For what it’s worth, I think Lois has presented a reasonable case.” said Doris. “I look forward to hearing yours Ed. Let me confirm, I will be impartial.”
“First, I’d like to agree with you Lois,” began Ed, “about love and sex. No argument from me, they are different. And I admit that logically I should not be uncomfortable with you having sex with another man. Providing I have agreed with your argument. Let’s start with the concept of not feeling uncomfortable in other areas.”
“OK.”
“Did I make you uncomfortable when I had sex with my previous girlfriends? Yes or no.”
“That’s not fair! I never knew you then.”
Ed looked at Doris.
“Yes or no, Lois?”
“Very well. No, you did not.”
“Using the terms better or worse, which is worse? Having sex with another person before marriage? Or after?”
Lois sighed.
“After, obviously. But it’s a stupid argument. Your previous girlfriends were just an example. To show why I want to do this.”
“Good start then. I completely agree with you. Love and sex are not the same thing. And my previous girlfriends are irrelevant. But you’re the one who brought the so-called stupid argument up. Not me.”
“Fair enough.”
“Tell me, do you regret being a virgin when we first got together?”
“Of course not.”
“Then I think it’s only fair to disregard my exes completely. Yes?”
“Strike it from the record Doris.”
She nodded.
“Now let’s deal with the dildo. On a scale of one to ten, Rate sex with me, and sex with the toy.”
“You’re a ten, it’s only a two.”
“Is it logical to assume that sex with another man would be between, say, an eight and a ten?”
“I suppose so.”
“Then imagine you are now having this sex session with someone. Is it your intention to grasp his penis and thrust it in and out of yourself manually, like a sex toy?”
“No.”
She sighed.
“Then the analogy of a male partner and a dildo is spurious. It doesn’t work, does it?”
Lois didn’t answer.
“A penis is real, sugar is real. A dildo is fake, sweetener is fake. There’s a correlation of course. The two real items, can make you fat! Can we discount the dildo example?”
“OK.”
“Then let’s get back to the real issue; feeling hurt or uncomfortable. I will not ask if you would be hurt, if I had sex with another woman. I accept that you would. But may I ask for honest answers to some simpler questions?”
“Of course.”
“Doris, will you interrupt if you think she is being less than honest?”
She nodded again.
“Would you be hurt if I indulged in just oral sex with someone else? Me on her, or her on me?”
“Yes.”
“Heavy petting? Tongue kisses, hands under, or over her clothing, removing clothing?”
“Yes.”
“How about groping on the dancefloor? Would that make you feel uncomfortable?”
“Yes.”
“A romantic dinner and drinks for two?”
“Yes.”
“Telling the woman how beautiful she is? You know, whispering compliments and sweet nothings?”
“Yes.”
“Something less tactile. How would you feel if you discovered I was searching for an affair on the internet?”
“Angry.”
“Making arrangements over the phone? Or getting a friend to set me up with another woman?”
“Angry again.”
“That’s enough then, I’ve got the picture. Let’s drop it.”
Lois breathed a sigh of relief.
“How long does our typical love-making last?”
“Unless it’s a quickie, around thirty or forty minutes.”
“Right. So, sex with this mystery guy, lasts for longer or shorter?”
“About the same I would imagine.”
“But it will be a one-off event, so hardly a quickie. Are you sure that’s enough?”
“Yes. I only want someone a bit different. It’s not supposed to be a competition. Just a comparison.”
“Fortyfive minutes would satisfy you then? I don’t mean orgasms; I mean satisfy your curiosity.”
“Fine.”
“Well, I want you to know that I think your examples are poor, but your basic reasoning is sound. What do you reckon Doris?”
“That’s about how I see it.”
Lois brightened up. It sounded like he might be coming round to the idea.
“You have said,” Ed continued, “you do not wish to hurt me. Even make me uncomfortable, yes?”
“Yes.”
“And I agreed that you having sex with another man would not hurt me, if I was ok with it.”
Ed looked at Doris.
“Then I do not think Doris should be burdened with this important decision. I will make it.”
“That’s not what we agreed. What is it?”
“I will comply with your request, though I must set reasonable conditions.”
“Wow!”
“My conditions will be presented logically, as you would expect. And Doris will assess them. I ask her to interrupt, only if I she does not agree with me.”
“Fair enough.” Doris replied.
“But if she says they are fair, you must abide by them. If you have sex with another man, and break any conditions, then it’s divorce.”
Lois nodded and leaned forward on her elbows.
“I will allow you to have sex with another man, as you requested. You can do it anywhere you like, for fortyfive minutes.”
Lois beamed.
“But the things you said would hurt you, would also hurt me. So, the following are not permitted:
No oral sex. No groping, nor any kind of foreplay. No kissing, dancing, or dinner or drinks. You may not use phones or the internet, or any friends, to find your man.”
“But…”
“No buts, this is what we agreed. Doris?”
“He’s right Lois.”
“A straight fuck. You take off your clothes, open your legs and he penetrates you. That’s what sex is. No whispered words, and it must be fortyfive minutes. I don’t trust you on this, so I’ll be present to ensure he doesn’t finish in fortyfour minutes. Or drag it on to fortysix!”
“That’s not fair!”
“Doris?”
“Sorry Lois, but it is. Fair and logical, like you wanted.”
Lois slumped.
“If that’s all, I’ll be off. Good luck!”
Doris left, grinning.
“Well, that is a relief!” she said quietly, as Ed saw her to the door. He returned and sat across from Lois.
“OK. You won Ed. Are you satisfied?”
“Satisfied? Oh yes. More than that.”
“Oh?”
“Firstly, something I did not want to say in front of your colleague. In the unlikely event you actually manage to go ahead with this, despite my conditions, I’ll divorce you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“And not wanting to go to your grave only ever having had one man is serious. From here on in, I’ll always be suspicious. For the rest of our time together, I will never trust you again. Got that?”