A Bestiary of Monster Girls

A Bestiary of Monster Girls

Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum

Translator’s Introduction

Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum was written in 1243 by Arminius Wilhelm Otto Karl Friedrich Wilhelm Maximilian Melchior Leopold Wilhelm von Ravensberg, known to history as Herman the German. A Generalprokurator of the Teutonic Knights, he wrote his magnum opus as a warning to the knights and missionaries in Prussia, many of whom fell prey to the temptations of monstrous and demonic women. Predictably, though, his text served as less of a warning than a guide, and many were the men who went in search of the women against whom Herman had so ardently warned them.

As Generalprokurator, Herman had the ear of the Pope himself, and the book soon spread to other religious orders through the Roman Catholic Church. From there, it rapidly spread to those who were not bound by oaths of celibacy, where it has stayed ever since. The book spread across Europe, and is estimated to be the most widely read book of the 1200s. Marco Polo took a copy with him on his trip to China, as a gift for the Great Khan, and his own marginalia indicate that he encountered some of the creatures described within, as well as others unknown to Herman. It was one of the first works printed by Gutenberg, who is rumored to have had an encounter with an incubus who has once known Faust, and who gave him the idea for his printing press. Later, Roger Williams brought his own copy on his voyage to the New World, so that he might be better prepared against the temptations that he thought he would encounter in the forests of New England. However, after learning the local languages and cultures, he soon realized that the monsters, far from being savage beasts, were intelligent beings with their own society, and he wrote the first English language account of the American monstrous species, A Key into the Monsters of America, a book which made his name in England and brought him much fame.

Over seventy manuscripts of the work are extant, most of which inexplicably have multiple pages stuck together as if by some sort of glue, possibly the result of over-eager censors. Nevertheless, enough exist that the entirety of the work can be reconstructed. In the Renaissance, it was a popular myth that the work was a lost fourth book of Ovid’s own Ars Amatoria, but this is easily disproven, and the clichéd trick of attributing a new work to an ancient author is a pathetic way of trying to lend legitimacy to subpar writing. No, it is indeed obvious that this work was written by Herman the German and no one else.

As is to be expected of a work of such importance and widespread distribution, a number of commentaries and translations exist of it. The worst commentary is arguably Ernst August of Hanover’s, who, like all other Ernst Augusts of Hanover, was a jerk, and whose commentary consists almost entirely of which insults are most offensive to the various women, and how best to hurt their feelings. The dullest translation and commentary is probably that of Lord Nigel Poppenroy, who wrote in 1857, and therefore had to excise all mentions of legs, breasts, pussies, sex per anum, orem, et more ferarum, dildos, bondage, fellatio, cunnilingus, irrumatio, sodomy, gomorrahmy, and snuggling afterwards. Even then, the publication provoked riots in the streets, as well as an immediate increase in trips to the continent.

The best commentary, however, is by and large agreed to be that of Signore Niccolò Melanzana, a minor Florentine aristocrat of the early 1500s, who, using the Bestiarum as his guide, traveled throughout Europe, meeting and romancing many of the women described within. His accounts admirably supplement Herman’s writings, and the two authors unwittingly create a better work together than either of them did singly. For this reason, Melanzana’s commentaries are presented along with the original text in asterisked italics. I have attempted to provide a modern, colloquial translation, devoid of mentions to godemichés and olisbos, while still preserving the flavor of Herman and Melanzana’s original writings. Only the first volume of this work is presented here, but more are to follow soon.

Finally, I wish to thank the University of Verführungsberg for their generosity with their manuscript, as well as their extreme enthusiasm for this project. Indeed, innumerable undergraduates assisted me throughout this translation, and sometimes I even caught them translating pages late at night.

– Magnus Lotharius, Professor of Monstrous Studies at Cornell University

Bestiarum Monstrarum Feminarum

In these dark pagan lands, there are things far more dangerous than heathen Prussians of which our brave knights must be wary. Things that lurk in the darkness, waiting for innocent men so that they may entice them off the path of virtue into sin and vice. These primeval forests contain creatures long since banished from civilized Christendom, creatures long thought to be the products of the imagination of ancient authors, but as so many of us are now discovering, these creatures are real.

I speak, of course, about monster-women: those most dangerous of creatures, whose lascivious temptations have corrupted far too many once-upstanding young men. Remember that the word “monster” has two origins. There are some who say it comes from the Latin monstrare, which means “to point out.” According to this etymology, monsters have been scattered through the world by God as an exhibition of his power, as a demonstration of what He can do. Nothing is impossible for Him, and the variety of his creations knows no bounds.

However, I side with the second faction, which believes the word comes from monere, which means “to warn.” These monsters are warnings from God so that we might not stray from the One True Faith. Through them and their monstrous forms, He shows us how not to act, so that we can act properly. They are the counterparts of the heavenly saints, these monsters, and so despite their sins, they, too, have their own part to play in the world.

*They’d make better warnings if they weren’t all more beautiful than Botticelli’s best works. If God was going for “warning,” he needs a better editor.

Fortunately, these monsters can be defeated, through faith and the proper preparations, young men can avoid these temptresses. Below, I have detailed the various monsters to be found not only in Prussia, but throughout Europe, and even farther afield, to Rus and Arabia, when I have found information regarding them. Heed my words, and you, too, can find safety, as I have.

*More profitable to do as I have, and heed his words to find temptation. Safety is boring.

Arachnidae

In the darkest, deepest forests live these monstrous beasts. Their appearance is hideous: that of a slender woman’s torso atop the abdomen of a giant spider. Her six legs are those of a spider, while her arms are human, although her fingernails are bestial, and as sharp as nails. Her skin is pallid and her hair pale and stringy. She has eight eyes on her face, which is otherwise human, except for a lack of teeth. Instead, her fangs are concealed within her mouth until she needs to feed, when she unsheathes them, injects her poison into whatever animal or man she has captured, and drinks his liquefied gore.

*Would this taste better or worse than Bianca’s crostatas?

The arachnidae are driven entirely by instinct and have no abilities of reason, despite their mocking resemblance to humanity. They build their webs in forests and wait for some creature to stumble into it and become captured in the sticky silk of their webs. The silk is much stronger than any rope and cannot be broken by mortal strength. Struggling will only entangle the victim further. If, however, it has only caught your clothing, one can extricate oneself from the web. If flesh becomes stuck, though, amputation is the only hope of survival.

*The arachnidae themselves can deftly remove it without problem, however.

As for defending yourself against these monsters, there are several ways. They cannot penetrate metal, and chain mail provides some protection against their fangs and claws if one encounters one in a fight. Their natural armor is weak, and they are vulnerable to mundane weapons, if one can find or catch them. They prefer to hide in the tree tops, watching their webs for activity. Their eyesight is flawless, and they can spot a mouse crawling through the leaves from their perches at the tops of oak trees without difficulty, but it is also sensitive. They avoid the pure light of the sun, and can be briefly blinded by it if taken unawares.

Fortunately, their terrible appearance dissuades men from them, yet some fools still persist in attempting to reason with these hellish creatures. I must warn anyone against such suicidal madness, for to attempt it is surely to court death itself.

*Perhaps no other breed of monster is so misunderstood as the arachnidae. Fitting, considering their namesake. While the females are of a similar scale to human beings, the males are approximately a tenth of the size, with a corresponding decrease in intelligence. They are, essentially, studs, and their sole purpose in arachnidae society is to contribute sperm for the next generation. After they lose their fertility, they are abandoned or, if food is scarce, devoured.

This fact of nature produces in the arachnidae females a chronic loneliness. One half of their own race is essentially their pets, and their own appearance frightens off many of those who are of a comparable intelligence. It is a sad situation, one that I happily remedied.

I visited the Schwarzwald and found a colony of arachnidae, taking with me a few beasts of burden to sacrifice upon the altar of their hunger before making my appearance, of course. Once their hunger is satisfied, they are much more sociable beings, and they are almost desperately eager for new social interaction, if one is competent enough to not judge their appearances.

To my fellow seekers of love, the primary advice I offer is this: flatter. Centuries of humans have convinced them they are hideous, but a single man can make them realize their beauty. They are, at heart, very sweet creatures, affectionate, and loyal. They lack certain enjoyable anatomy, however, so one must be creative.

As the bestiary mentions, their primary source of nutrition is liquefied protein, and as I discovered, they care not the source. With their pedipalps sheathed, their toothless mouths are adapted for powerful sucking, and after ensuring them of the resulting source of protein, I was easily able to convince one young arachnidae maiden to fellate my cock, to our mutual enjoyment.

Their breasts and nipples are sensitive, but curiously, they cannot orgasm. The pleasure they receive from pleasant, intelligent conversation, though, exceeds any physical pleasure they can feel, and so I recommend that only those who can converse quite well attempt the seduction of an arachnidae.

Centaur

Centaurs are so well known that a physical description seems superfluous, yet I will do so anyway, for perhaps in some blessed future age, this book shall outlast the monsters it describes, and mankind will need such descriptions as these. From the waist up, they resemble human beings, although of a slightly larger size than average. Below the waist, however, they have the body of a horse below that beast’s neck.

They are most commonly found in Tartary, where small tribes of them live a nomadic existence in the steppes. They very rarely approach civilization, being naturally opposed to cities, and any other places that are not open enough for their tastes. Like all barbarians, they are savage, but have a great respect for the principles of honor and hospitality.

*Unlike civilized folk, who has no respect for either.

As might be expected, they make natural cavalry, and not only do the men participate in war, but so too do the women, as modern day Amazons. Their weapon of choice is the bow, for, like our own steeds, they cannot bear to march into the points of swords and spears, and so prefer to stay away from the thick of battle, often allying themselves with human armies. Indeed, a contingent of centaurs fought at the Battle of Mohi with the Mongol Horde.

*Fortunately, they do not follow in the Amazons’ footsteps so far as mastectomies are concerned.

As mentioned, they find it hard to bear the brunt of sharp weapons, as well as closed-in spaces. Nor do they easily deal with surprises of any kind, and they are especially vulnerable to ambuscades. Their hearing is quite sensitive, however, so especial care must be taken in order not to give oneself away before the ambush is sprung. They are especially vain of their physical appearance, as well, and so threats of disfigurement are quite effective against them.

The centaurs wear nothing upon their lower halves, except for armor when they enter battle. As for their chests, the males use only body paint during peacetime, while the womenfolk bind their breasts tightly when they run, for without these bindings, the bouncing of their breasts is very painful. When they are resting after a day’s work, they unbind their breasts and wear nothing to conceal their shame.

If traveling through the territory of a centaur tribe with ladies, care must be taken that decent women do not get too close a look at centaur males, for their privy members are of a comparable size to stallions’, and a female who has once seen such an encumbrance can only forget it with great difficulty. I recommend blindfolding any females present, lest their souls be tempted by these monstrous members.

*Unfortunately, these women no longer reside in Europe. I encountered some merchants, though, who had recently had dealings with a tribe in the Crimea Khanate. Believing this to be the most convenient location for us to meet, I purchased a trip back with these merchants as they left Venice.

Fortunately, my father taught me how to ride as a boy, for centaurs have little respect for anything as slow and cumbersome as a footslogger. Knowing that speed is the quickest way to gain esteem among these people, I brought my best horse with me for the trip. After outrunning one of the tribe’s numerous young princelings, I was invited to a centaur funeral.

Like the Thracians, they celebrate births and deaths in a way widdershins to our own methods. When a new member of the tribe is born, they mourn and cry bewailing the future misfortunes that are destined to afflict the child. But when one dies, they celebrate not only that their misfortunes are finally at an end, but also the fortune that the survivors continue to enjoy. Just as I had arrived, the former khan had recently passed, resulting in this celebration.

Their drink of choice is fermented milk, an awful concoction, but fortunately there was no opposition to my drinking my native wine. During the festivities, everyone’s inhibitions were loosened, both from social convention and the abundance of alcohol, and during such celebrations, it is not unusual for the centaurs to behave like the Mossynoecians of the Anabasis of Xenophon, and copulate publicly and without shame.

I confess, I felt rather inadequate that day. I measured one male at over two feet, and he was in no way extraordinary. I don’t blame Herman for trying to stop young ladies from spoiling themselves with such equipment, for how could they ever find satisfaction again?

Fortunately, I had my own advantages. The build of a centaur does not allow for much flexibility, and both oral sex and manual masturbation are completely unknown to them. What I lacked in size, I more than made up for in experience and skill. One raven-haired centaur woman caught my fancy, and I proceeded to explain in great detail the various techniques I could apply to her. From her fiery blush, I knew my words were having the intended effect, and I proceeded to show her first hand what I could do.

With my fingers and tongue, I brought her to orgasm no less than five times that day. Since their clitoris is in a similar position to where it is on human women, it is rarely stimulated during sex, and orgasms are quite rare for centaur women, unless they find something of the appropriate height to grind against. I gather she informed her friends that night, for when I awoke the next morning, I had a line of eight maidens outside my yurt, eager to sample my skills. I satisfied as many as I could, but my strength is not infinite, and some had to go home that night unfulfilled.

After that, though, I was a popular member of the tribe, at least with the women, and I wager that the next human male who visits the tribe will find himself similarly popular thanks to my efforts.

Concubi

Concubi are a type of demon from Hell, commonly referred to as succubi and incubi when they take the forms of women and men, respectively. However, as demons are without gender, the two are a single race, able to take on the appearance of either sex. However they appear, though, they are always physically flawless, in sharp contrast to their spiritual degradation.

As succubi, they lay with men, coming to them in the night when they are alone. They take the form of a beautiful maiden, able to peer into their victim’s soul in order to take the form they find most attractive. The victim may at first mistake the succubus’s rousings for a wet dream, only to awaken and find the demon atop him. Without shame, succubi will resort to any action, no matter how low and sinful, in order to entice men and bring them to orgasm.

When they appear, they apply a great pressure to their victim’s body, often leaving him unable to move or properly resist the demon. The man is paralyzed in his bed, helpless before them. Therefore, any defense against a concubus must take place before he falls asleep. They are weak against the signs of Christendom, and a crucifix or a rosary wrapped around a man’s privy member will deter their predations.

A man’s orgasm is the only goal of a succubus. As demons, they are unable to create life themselves, and so they must steal the semen of a human in order to bring forth new beings. In the form of a woman, the concubus steals semen. In the form of a man, it spreads it, impregnating a woman in the night. The children produced by these demons tend to be especially sinful, easily falling to lust and pride, and when they reach adulthood, many find them irresistible.

*The dour Prussian is right on the ball. The only problem is actually finding a succubus. They tend to meander throughout the countryside, seemingly at random, avoiding large cities. From what I have found, they are drawn to lust, and so one must sacrifice and go without orgasm for a few weeks beforehand, so that by the time one begins hunting for succubi, one’s thoughts are absolutely consumed by carnal perversions. Fortunately, the latter requirement is easy enough.

Once one finds you, though, you’re in for a treat. They live for centuries, and their accumulated experience makes for an unforgettable experience. I was awoken one night in a small Bohemian village only to find a well-endowed, honey-haired maiden wrapping her lips around my hard cock, bobbing her head up and down vigorously. Her tongue wrapped around my shaft as she enthusiastically caressed every inch of my manhood. Once she took my cock into the cleavage of her full, heavy breasts, I couldn’t last much longer, and soon surrender my seed between her perfect, pink lips. She soon put me to sleep again, and I awoke the next morning with some new memories and a satiated libido.

One last note: if you encounter a succubus, leave within the next nine months, and leave no forwarding address with the townspeople. Concubi inevitably use the semen taken from men and use it to impregnate lusty young wives, which can lead to a situation hard to talk oneself out of, unless you and her husband happen to share a moderate resemblance.

Due to their shapeshifting abilities, your position should depend on what form she takes. They are extremely talented, though, and without shame, so take advantage of the situation.

Concubi are, fortunately, solitary predators, and avoid each other whenever possible. One needs never fear being outnumbered by them, and they avoid superfluous labor, being naturally slothful. Therefore, protecting oneself properly almost guarantees safety, as they prefer to move onto easier prey rather than struggle against a well-defended righteous man.

*More usefully, hanging crucifixes on everyone else’s windows almost guarantees that you’ll be their target.

Oddly enough, this type of monster seems especially drawn to priests and bishops, and in my travels, I have come across many villages that contained children born to local wives who had a strong resemble to the local man of God. The priests never confess to having known these women carnally. The only explanation is that concubi, enraged by these men’s faith, visit them in the night when they are most vulnerable in order to spread their seed and bring them into ill repute with the laity.

*Not the only explanation, Herman…

Lamiae

A lamia is an enormous monster, by far the largest of all those recorded here. They are somewhat like mermaids, arachnidae, and centaurs, in that they combine a human torso with the lower half of a beast. For lamiae, that beast is a serpent, calling us to always remember the Great Deceiver and Prince of Lies, who in the form of a serpent corrupted Eve and thereby caused God to cast us out of the Garden of Eden.

They live in warmer environs, and are most commonly found in the Mohammadan lands to the south, especially Arabia. Cold weather saps their strength and endurance, and weakens them greatly. Indeed, if it gets too cold for their liking, they enter a prolonged sleep until warmer weather rouses them anew. They are naturally slothful, though, and do not engage in strenuous activity unless necessary. They eat large meals, and then spend several days fasting while they digest. I have seen a lamia eat the meat of an entire cow in a single meal, before fasting for the rest of the week.

*My father can do the same thing at the Feast of St. John the Baptist, I believe…

They are not venomous, but instead kill prey in the following way, which I myself have witnessed while in the Holy Land. First, they wrap their serpentine body around their prey as tightly as they can. This prevents the creature from moving. Then, with each exhalation, they constrict yet more tightly around the rib cage, so that their meal cannot take a full breath. Breath after breath they tighten and tighten until the creature suffocates from being unable to breathe deeply enough to stay alive. It is an agonizing way to perish.

*Fascinating! I have done the calculations, and have satisfied myself that, with the correct ropes and equipment, one could create a reasonable facsimile for the purposes of an interrogatory torture device. The sensation of suffocation ought to be quite encouraging!

Their tails possess an immense strength, and they move with a size unexpected of their mass. Across the sands of their homeland, they can match a horse in speed, and upon the surface of the water, their speed is in no way diminished. Fortunately, they rarely prey on humans, preferring dumber prey that cannot fight back so easily.

One curious fact about lamiae is that there is no limit to their growth, and although their growth greatly slows down at about the same age that a human’s stops, they never fully stop growing, and I have witnessed a seventy year old male lamia crush and kill a hippopotamus, no easy feat.

*I advise you to visit the lamiae during the colder months. Not only does it make her more sluggish and weaker, and therefore less likely to accidentally crush you in the throes of passion, but her natural hunger for warmth will cause her to try to cuddle with you constantly, since our body is far more calorific than theirs.

The girl I spent a night with was especially amorous, and spent the entire night with her body wrapped around mine. I confess, I enjoyed being wrapped up and completely at her mercy. Her strength was incredible!

Despite their serpentine tails, female lamiae do possess vaginas, whereas the males have a small, barbed structure, normally kept inside the body, instead of a penis. Unfortunately, this means that a lamia’s vagina is unusually shallow, and so other methods were needed to achieve orgasm.

Fortunately, the lamia tongue is over nine inches long and prehensile. She was able to wrap her tongue completely around my cock multiple times, which she used more deftly than any hands I’ve ever felt. It was almost magical what she could do with that tongue of hers…

Afterwards, though, she insisted on cuddling for several hours, her naked body wrapped completely around my own, snuggling for warmth. It was far from an unpleasant experience, but if you’re the type of man who loves and leaves, I advise you to avoid lamiae, for they rarely take “no” for an answer.

Mermaids

Mermaids are mysterious creatures, rarely seen. They inhabit the ocean only, and cannot come onto land, for they possess the lower half of a fish and breathe water, rather than air. Their upper half is human, though, and beguilingly attractive. Pagan sailors consider them to be good luck, but such monsters as these cannot be anything but sinful. Using their wiles, they lure righteous men to their mortal deaths at the hands of the sea, and to their immortal through lust.

Fortunately, they are easy enough for most men to avoid: simply stay on dry land. But for those who must travel aboard a ship, among the myriad dangers of sea travel must be added mermaids. They sometimes travel alongside ships, having learnt that sailors who have been out of sight of human women for weeks or months are especially generous towards topless women. Indeed, their migration patterns often follow the major shipping routes of Europe, so that they may better receive gifts. They are especially devoted to small trinkets. I saw one red haired mermaid use a table fork as a comb for her hair while returning to Rome from the Holy Land, a task for which it was not at all suited, bearing a resemblance to a miniature pitchfork, which Mohammadans use to convey food from their plate to their mouths, yet she persisted in the attempt, and delighted in it.

*Somehow, this scene became quite popular, for I saw an engraving of it as a youth, perhaps first fixing the image of a beautiful monster girl in my mind.

They are a dangerous temptation on long voyages, since it is rare that a woman travels aboard a ship, and mermaids wear no clothing, nothing being suited to their aquatic lifestyle. Some men, delirious from lust, leap into the seas after them, drowning in the attempt. Other times, sailors have used their nets to catch an unsuspected mermaid in order to satisfy their lust. I have seen the aftermath of such an event, and it was too terrible to describe, beyond the fact that those sailors have surely damned their souls for all eternity, for a few minutes of earthly pleasure.

*These women are especially hard to find. As sailors have grown less reverent of their status, they have become more willing to violate the women who swim alongside the ships on long voyages. As a result, they no longer follow the trade routes in hopes of gathering trinkets, but instead stick to the open ocean, gathering their own supplies.

In one case, however, they have gone even further, although I almost regret mentioning it. However, one school of mermaids has apparently constructed a false light house near a dangerous reef in vicinity of Denmark. On bad nights, they use it to lure unwary ships to the rocks, where they crash, and the ship’s cargo can be collected at their leisure. As for the sailors, the strongest might, with luck, swim to shore, but most drown or freeze.

However, I chanced across one quite by accident. While serving the Venetian Doge, I was charged with investigating the potential of several small islands which they ruled, but in which they had not yet invested. The denizens of one of these islands had maintained cordial relationships with a nearby school of mermaids, with whom they traded. In exchange for promising to tell the Venetians that there was absolutely nothing on the entire island worth being taxes or expropriated, the mayor of the village introduced me to some of the mermaids.

They are playful, but, to me, lacked empathy entirely, and I have seen them playing both with an inflated bladder and with the corpse of a fish which they killed for the purpose with equal relish. Despite this, they are not naturally malicious, simply often amoral as we understand ethics. Even the villagers were aware that the mermaids were as likely to rescue them from a shipwreck as they were to drag them underwater to play with them, forgetting human’s limited lung capacity.

Herman is wrong when he says they breathe water, for they must breathe air. However, they can hold their breath for upwards of ten minutes, at which point a human being has died. They are naked, though, and often a little on the plump side. Their fat evidently keeps them warm, and as women have more fat, females can dive deeper and longer than males.

Making use of a tide pool, I was able to consummate a relationship with one mermaid girl. Although people say they have the lower half of a fish, they are more like dolphins, with all the anatomy that implies. Their physiology limits potential positions, but they have a most wonderful adaptation. In order to better keep their wombs free of the ocean, the muscles of their womanhood are especially tight, and they can very tightly seal themselves. These same muscles mean that every mermaid can make herself tighter than a Spanish virgin at will, and I marveled at the strength of her internal grip. If only our own women were so fortunate…

Minotaurs

The minotaur race reminds mankind of the sins of wrath and of lust. Their form, nearly human, but with the ears, horns, tail, and rear hooves of an auroch, calls to mind two great sinners of the Pagan Era: Phalaris and Pasiphaë. Phalaris was despot of Akragas in Sicily, who commissioned Perillus to construct for him a bull of brass, in which he might roast his victims, still alive, until they expired. Upon receipt of the bull, Phalaris chose Perillus as its first of many victims. Thus does the Lord punish such wickedness.

*One story tells that Phalaris lived to old age and willingly gave up his power.

Pasiphaë’s crime was much greater, though. Her husband, King Minos of Crete, prayed to his false god Poseidon for a snow-white bull. He received it, but refused to sacrifice it because of the beast’s great beauty. As punishment, Aphrodite caused Pasiphaë to fall in lust with the beast. So outstanding was her sinful passion that she bade Daedulus construct for her a false bull, in which she hid and thereby received the bull’s issue.

*What a uniquely talented woman!

This child was the Minotaur of Greek myth, and eponym of this race. Fittingly, minotaurs are most common in those areas of Europe that were once most greatly Hellenized: the Empire of the Greeks and the Kingdom of Sicily.

They eat no meat, but subsist entirely upon vegetable matter. They live in large, communal groups, sharing both work and profits. They are often docile, but can become wrathful without warning. If this happens, care must be taken to avoid the beast in the future, for they are slow to forget their anger. Additionally, they tend to be unusually large in frame, with the males often head-and-shoulders above an ordinary man, and even the females are the same height as I. The males have quite large horns, sometimes reaching up a foot in length, while the females have just small nubs, about the size of a man’s thumb.

*I’ve never met one who became wrathful without warning. It takes quite a lot of provocation to anger a minotaur. He’s right about them being slow to forget, though. I’ve heard tales of feuds decades old that have no sign of stopping.

Fortunately, they are rather naïve beasts, and rarely actively pursue men. However, their womenfolk still seduce men and inflame their lust with their lascivious bodies. They have especially well-endowed udders, at times approaching the size of their heads. Not only that, but they are so ignorant of modesty that they think nothing of exposing their mammaries, even in the company of men and strangers. It is a rare man indeed who possesses the necessary continence to ignore their charms.

*There’s nothing udderish about them, besides their size. In shape and form they are identical to that of any Florentine woman.

Fortunately, they are easily defeated by faith, as are all monsters. One need only not surrender to temptation. They are unusually passive and rarely make the first move towards carnal knowledge. If traveling through the rustic areas of Sicily and the Greek Empire, though, one must take care to think only pure thoughts, lest one fall into sin. If traveling with younger companions, who may need assistance controlling their thoughts, I recommend daily baths of cold water whenever traveling their minotaur territory. Such frequent bathing poses a risk to their health, but far better that than a risk to their immortal soul.

*I managed to find a herd of minotaurs in the hills of Sicily. They lived in a rather isolated place, and managed to stay almost entirely self-sufficient. They had a dairy set up, though, and sold their cheese in order to afford what they needed but could not produce themselves. Most interestingly, they made their cheese from their own milk: a type of caciocavallo, which was almost indistinguishable from the other local brands, except that it tasted slightly lighter and with a hint of hazelnut. A single woman can produce approximately ten cups of milk per day, and even before the child is weaned, much of this is unnecessary for nursing and can be used for cheese and milk. Their cheese was especially delicious, and I purchased a hundredweight to bring back to Florence as gifts.

As Arminius states so blandly, they are both well-endowed and have no taboo about exposing their breasts. For them, breasts are associated with the biological function of lactation, rather than with pleasure, although, I found, they are quite sensitive to stimulation, perhaps even more so than humans are. Almost every woman whom I milked orgasmed multiple times from the experience.

Due to their breasts’ excessive size and weight, though, minotaur women often wear an unusual garment beneath their clothes that resembles nothing so much as a sling that one might use to launch a lead ball. Two of these slings are used together to redistribute the force of the breasts’ weight from her chest to her shoulders, and this contraption is worn whenever there is no reason not to do so. The result of this is that minotaurs’ breasts cause less discomfort than an unsupported pair half the size would, and time takes much less a toll upon them, so that they longer retain their youthful pertness. I was able to bring home one of these devices and had it sent to my sister, who, though not nearly so burdened, still has need of assistance, and she tells me that her own tailor has made for her an acceptable copy, which much succors her pains.

When, however, there is some reason not to wear these slings, they dispense with them without bashfulness or modesty, and one often comes across women naked from the waist up as they come to and from the baths or bed, or just because they have removed their clothing from the heat. For them, the breasts of the female are no more indecent than those of the male, and both gladly expose them to the fresh air and the eyes of visitors.

But as for my visit, it was most enjoyable. They were very welcoming, and within a few days I felt as though I had lived there all my life, and was able to make a contribution to the dairy’s production, as well. The task of milking is there considered a chore to be endured, and so I was able to quickly make myself popular by volunteering for the task on a daily basis.

Their full, heavy breasts must be tenderly massaged in order to encourage them to release their milk, a task I performed with gusto, and for which I was ardently rewarded. The males lack much tenderness, and so one must emphasize his own when dealing with these women. Additionally, one must always be willing to make the first move towards consummation, for they will never attack, only surrender. The role of a loving and ardent suitor is that which must be played, and fortunately, there is little need to worry about jealousy. Living in common, they take the same view to parentage as the Spartans did, and prefer a child to have a good father to a legitimate one. The one who gives a woman her first child is even rewarded with a small gift for having made her into a full member of the community, for before this time, she cannot produce milk and is of lesser use.

As for positions, I most highly recommend missionary or, for stronger men, cowgirl. Their best features are undoubtedly their ample bosoms and large eyes, and so those positions which offer the best view of those are to be encouraged. They are built much more densely than human women, though, so any position in which she is on top can only be recommended if the man if strong enough to bear the weight.

Valkyries, Sirens, & Harpies

Against these monsters one must be especially on their guard. Their appearance is that of a leanly-built human, but with a pair of almost avian wings sprouting forth from their shoulders. Their beguiling appearance makes those of weak and ignorant minds think of angels, and their appearance has been disgustingly adopted for the portrayal of holy beings, even by those who should know better.

But the Bible, the Holy Word of God Almighty, is clear. Read Daniel 10:6 and say before God that a winged man at all resembles the angel described therein. “His body also was like the beryl, and his face as the appearance of lightning, and his eyes as lamps of fire, and his arms and his feet like in color to polished brass, and the voice of his words like the voice of a multitude.”

Or look to Ezekiel 10:12-14, and read, “And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels, were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had. As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel. And every one had four faces: the first face was the face of a cherub, and the second face was the face of a man, and the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle.”

Can anyone imagine a belief so misguided as that these monsters are the same beings as the angels of the Lord?

*Talk with my artist friends about their blasphemy.

But as for the monsters themselves, they are not physically dangerous. They congregate in large flocks, often on islands near the continent. They are drawn to wrath, and often appear after a great battle to devour the dead. They are scavengers, though, not predators, and will only attack if absolutely necessary: they prefer to escape through flight and wait for their prey to grow too weak to fight back.