Controlling My Brother

Author’s Note: This is a longer story with a slower build-up. Hopefully you find the wait worth it :).

I raised him. He’s mine. He belongs to me.

Words gouged on a sheet of paper. Folded up and locked away somewhere in her mind. But not forgotten.

—–

‘Your brother is downstairs, shall I buzz him up?’

‘Yes, and ask everyone to kindly sit down and get some fucking work done.’

Paula watched through the glass window of her office as the reproach was delivered by her secretary. They had been friends once, but heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. Out on the floor, a few employees threw Paula dirty looks, but before long they had drifted back to their desks. The open plan area was large – over fifty employees working away, presided over by Paula’s irritable gaze. Most of the time they were well behaved, but late on a Thursday afternoon attention was liable to drift, eyes to wander, and tongues to loosen.

The dwindling sun probed Paula’s room with its many fingers. Scrunched over a thick folder, she conceded defeat and switched on her lamp. She would be here for many hours yet. It had been three years since she’d taken the helm of Rebus & Tristan, and she still preferred to do the heavy lifting herself. Others were so unreliable, so mealy-mouthed, so sensitive to the touch of her scorn.

The lift beeped and Jake stepped out. A woman exited the lift too with an imperious flick of her blonde hair, her long legs on full display. Paula frowned, she didn’t recognise her.

Jake surveyed the room and Paula took the opportunity to inspect her brother from afar. It had been four years since their fight, and now he had graduated and newly relocated to Sydney. He had broadened and he held himself more easily, but apart from that it was still him. She smiled.

‘Jake is here,’ her secretary Emma interrupted her thoughts over the intercom.

‘Yes I can see,’ Paula snapped back.

She watched as Emma strode over the wide floor to welcome her brother. He opted for a handshake, taking the tiny woman’s hand in his large paw. The blonde stranger next to him said something and Emma leant back in genuine, throaty laughter. The stranger then slipped an arm intimately around Jake, squeezed herself to him, and beamed a gorgeous smile.

A viper in Paula woke.

Before long others had gathered around the couple, even reserved Laura began to chat away, going even so far as reaching out to appreciatively touch the blonde stranger’s sweater, which she had looped over her arm. The blonde stranger who was so clearly, so comfortably in love with her brother.

Paula stomped to the door of her office and yanked it open.

‘Was my last instruction unclear?’ she asked with a loud voice.

She didn’t wait to see the embarrassed silence settle over the room.

Eyes determinedly down, she continued making changes to the report, pen gripped tight. Someone would come to kiss the ring soon enough.

The door clicked open.

‘Sis?’

Paula bit back a smile and looked up. Jake was a man now, and he knew it. His shirt fit well enough to reveal the taut form underneath, and he stood as the unconcerned conqueror of the space around him, posture relaxed. She stared, fascinated, her anger dissipated. The hurt of the past four years suddenly seemed small. The pen fell from her slack fingers and rolled off the desk. She bent quickly to retrieve it.

Emma had joined Jake at the door by the time Paula sat back up, overly close to him. She had an idiotic smile on her face.

The viper returned.

‘Do you need something?’ Paula asked coldly.

Emma’s expression soured, she shook her head, and left the pair in peace. Paula’s face reddened as Jake watched on with a raised eyebrow.

‘So hospitable, aren’t I,’ Paula grumbled in self-deprecation and Jake grinned. She approached him and stood awkwardly before him; extended a hand and quailed at the formality of the gesture. Her smile, which moments before threatened to come too easily, now felt strained. She struggled to look her brother in the eye.

He bent down to hug her and suddenly none of it mattered.

‘You must be Paula,’ a soft voice interrupted.

Jake let go and Paula felt the warmth vanish.

The blonde stranger stood there, hand grazing Jake’s back. She was even more gorgeous close up. Her lips were small but full, her cheeks flawless, and her eyes held an innocence that she clearly knew how to use.

‘Paula, this is Jelena, my girlfriend.’

Paula observed with satisfaction the flicker of irritation that crossed Jelena’s face. Only a girlfriend.

‘Sorry sis,’ Jake said, ‘but is it Okay if she stays at yours too? She wasn’t going to come until I had my own place, but at the last minute we changed plans.’ He smiled guiltily at these last words.

‘Of course that’s okay!’

Paula looked Jelena in the eyes and smiled her most radiant smile. She felt the thrill of flexing an old skill. She could do this too.

‘You’re too generous,’ Jelena said, matching her smile. ‘We’ll go grab dinner? Let you finish off your work?’ She flicked her eyes over Paula’s cluttered desk.

‘I’m all finished, actually,’ Paula said.

Jake tilted his head and smiled.

‘Let’s go then. Our bags are downstairs.’

‘You guys okay with Japanese?’

Emma watched open-mouthed as the trio headed towards the lift.

‘Home time everyone,’ Paula announced to the room.

—-

Paula stood silently in the lift as it descended, thinking. The last four years had been such a steady, controlled ascent. She had her work, a drawer full of dependable hobbies, and a growing sense of control over who she was. That had been her life. But now, trapped in this metal box saturated with the twin musks of her brother and his girlfriend, her chest heaved with warring sensations.

Since she was young Paula had felt so completely responsible for Jake. Their parents fought terribly and made up ecstatically – their lives revolved around this cadence. When Paula was 10 and Jake 4, they had disappeared from the house for 4 days, an occasion Paula still remembered clearly as the birth of her current self.

Their mother, no doubt knowing exactly what she was doing, had embarked on a lengthy interrogation of the fit young gardener, all while dressed in nothing but a barely opaque gown. Their father, watching from the window, knew nothing of what was being said. He saw only the nervous glances to his wife’s chest and the pose that provoked them.

After a brief simmering period, he had bellowed down at her, his large frame shaking, before pushing past her down the outside stairs to where his car was parked. She taunted and scratched back, the exultant lilt of her voice clearly audible to Paula where she watched from the second floor. A moment later, he was gone, his sleek car spitting gravel. Then mother, after pausing for a sobering minute, followed at a more sedate pace in her SUV.

Over those four days Paula discovered that the tiny, tottering lump of flesh that was her brother wasn’t so bad after all. He listened attentively when she spoke, he learned quickly, and he directed at her a serious, earnest affection that their parents displayed.

When the adults did eventually return, not a word was spoken of their absence. Arm in arm in the hall, the two of them had frowned at the uninjured, serene children, then shrugged. After that, the rhythm of their fighting continued unabated, enhanced even, now that it had received tacit acceptance.

In those early years, anything Jake tried to do, he did it effortlessly. He took piano lessons, he played tennis, chess, football and golf. He wrote songs and was flown around the country to compete in mathematics competitions. Paula sheltered him from the chaos and violence of family life under an aegis of constant activity. Any time she suggested this or that program or class to their parents, they accepted. Relieved to be able to discharge their parental responsibility with the wave of a credit card.

For Paula, Jake was just about everything. He was her responsibility, her pride, her inspiration, her masterpiece. But never really her companion. There was a distance, a professional, austere distance. She was stern and unapproachable, and so he found others to be his friends, his confidants. He learnt to relax and flourish in the company of people who didn’t require so much from him.

As Jake rose majestically through high school, Paula remained as obsessive as ever. Gossip spread of ‘that crazy bitch,’ the domineering sister who showed up at school dances to drag her brother home to study, who called up teachers to request grades of 19/20 get reviewed, pre-armed with dozens of arguments for why Jake’s use of sources was air-tight, or his structure impeccable. She was deaf to the comments, but Jake was not. He grew away from the stake Paula had planted for him, no longer entwining so tight. Rage and shame festered.

Meanwhile Paula herself had begun university. She overloaded on subjects, and chaired the chess club, and all the various pressures threatened briefly to crush her to dust. But she survived, graduating in only two years with two internships already under her belt.

The day of her first bonus was a fateful day. Phillip Rebus invited her into his office, appraised her appearance in that characteristic way of his, swivelling on his office chair as she entered, looking deliberately up and down her form. She bored into him with her eyes and he sighed.

‘I wanted to hold this over your head a little longer, but you’re too damn good, so here you go,’ he said, sliding an envelope towards her. She took it without word, stuck out her tongue, and returned to her desk. She sat there with trembling hands, eased the envelope open, but before reading its contents, noticed a text message from Jake.

Can you leave me the house for the afternoon? Got a guest.

Got a guest. 18 years old and in the lead-up to his high school finals, Jake wasn’t supposed to be wasting any time, let alone with a guest of unspecified gender.

Paula pleaded an appointment and left the office in a hurry. Sitting in the driveway, knuckles still gripping the wheel, she tried to calm herself.

Jake was topless, entangled with an unknown figure on the couch, lips locked, apparently too engrossed to notice Paula’s entrance.

She strode over, and before the couple had a chance to react, grabbed a fistful of the girl’s hair and yanked her up.

Chaos broke out.

The girl started screeching, slapping at Paula; Jake rose to his feet, bellowing, indiscernible words and rage.

Paula remained still, enduring the feeble flailing.

She delivered a ringing smack to Jake’s cheeks.

A brief quiet descended, and the girl paused in her struggles.

‘You can get out now,’ Paula said coldly. The girl, wearing only her panties, scrabbled for her clothes, her shoes. The two siblings stared each other down while she dressed herself and fled quickly through the front door.

‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ Jake said quietly.

‘I don’t want to hear it,’ Paula responded. ‘You have two weeks left. Don’t screw this up now.’

‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ he repeated. He looked shocked. But soon his expression became fixed, prepared.

‘I don’t want anything more to do with you. I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you.’

‘Nonsense, you’re so close now, you need me.’

‘I don’t actually,’ he said mildly. ‘I’ve come to realise that. It took me the longest time. To figure out that I was just good at things, with or without you.’

Paula felt a surge of irritation. This fight was such a waste of time.

‘You can be mad at me later,’ she said impatiently.

He placed his hands on her shoulders. For not the first time she marveled at how much he’d grown. She sensed a lurking strength in his hands, saw that the look in his eyes wasn’t anger, but clarity. She stepped back, feeling numb.

‘But I did everything for you,’ she protested, trying to find strength in her voice.

‘You don’t own me,’ he said.

But I do, a voice in her wanted to scream.

‘Please,’ she said instead.

‘You have money, I know you do. I don’t want to see you again after today. Move out, you’re not welcome here anymore. You’ve controlled my life for long enough.’

All eternity wouldn’t be long enough. The thoughts were roiling. Her arms felt peculiarly dead at her side, her throat felt choked.

‘And if I agree to this?’

His mouth twisted in a bitter smile, recognising the bargain he now had to propose.

‘I don’t know. Maybe in 6 months, a year, I will think about it. But you need to go.’

In the lift Paula smiled sadly. It had been four years, not one. And then finally out of the blue her phone had beeped sheepishly.

I think I’m ready. I’ve missed you a lot. I’m moving back to Sydney soon. Catch up?

She knew already that he had finished an aeronautical engineering degree, accumulating about a million friends in the process. His Facebook photos revealed a joyousness, an abandonment that Paula had never seen him display. But interspersed in the raucous party shots, others told a different story. A photo at a train station, four of his friends in the foreground, with Jake apart, leaning against a pillar, bored and aloof. Another of a crowded balcony, its many occupants shouting and smiling at the camera, bar Jake who looked actively contemptuous. And finally at graduation, with a forlorn expression as he exited the stage, his strong brows raised with rare uncertainty.

These signs that all was not perfect each caused a moment of savage triumph in Paula, that quickly faded to pragmatic concern. What was he missing, what needed to be changed, was he eating well. Was it time for her to reach out. But on each cusp she paused long enough to think better of it. He had been right, after all. He did need to learn to be strong on his own.

So when he sent that first message, she thought long and hard about how to respond. Plans for Jake’s future would form in her mind, branching fantastically, detailed and far-reaching. But each time she caught herself and scrubbed the drawboard clean. Plans involving Jake could fail, and failure hurt. Loneliness hurt.

Eventually she decided.

Come down to my office one time? I’m on Bligh.

Nice and simple.

Over the next few days it was decided: he’d stay at her flat while he set himself up. They’d see how it went, but he was making no commitment that he wanted her back in his life. Good enough.

—

Jake whistled appreciatively when he saw Paula’s car.

‘They pay me well,’ she laughed.

‘But a GT-R?’

‘Your big sister likes to go fast,’ she said, shrugging.

Paula observed with relish as Jelena was forced to crumple up to fit in the small back seat. She eased out of the carpark, and for the first time that night felt in complete control.

The sashimi was delicious, the cocktails decadent. The conversation flowed, consisting mostly of the couple’s well-practiced patter, while Paula played obliging audience. She waved her credit card when it came time to leave, and Jelena excused herself to go to the bathroom.

‘So what did you tell her about me,’ Paula gestured with her head at the receding pair of legs.

‘You mean did I tell her how crazy and possessive you are?’

Paula laughed.

‘Don’t worry, she doesn’t know a thing. But maybe she’ll learn soon enough?’ Jake teased.

‘I’m completely reformed! Promise!’ Jelena feigned outrage, giving her brother a light slap on the arm.

The three of them detoured through Milson park, the lamps casting an eerie glow on the fidgety palms. Jelena, in her haughty haste, ended up a few paces ahead of the siblings. Their arms brushed lightly as they walked. Paula wanted to slow further and rest her head on her brother’s shoulder, and be calmed by his newfound strength. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She strode away to rejoin Jelena.

Paula’s flat was a few streets back from the water, second storey. She switched the lights on to reveal the bare decor of the living area. Jake went to investigate each of the two bedrooms, whistling when he poked his head into the second.

‘You Paint now?’ he asked incredulously. ‘Maybe you are reformed after all.’ The room was cluttered with paints and easels, and the walls told a clear tale of progress.

‘But of course you’re into realism,’ he muttered, surveying the several dozen canvases.

‘One of you will have to take the couch, and I have a blow-up single lying around somewhere,’ Paula said.

The arrangements were made, Jake on the couch, and Jelena, after an aborted attempt to join him, on the blow-up mattress.

With a light buzz still in her head, Paula retreated to her room.

But she couldn’t sleep.

She was excited.

Controlled, orderly Paula was excited.

Paula, whose only real emotions for years had been grim satisfaction and irritation, was excited.

Her brother was back. The one person who had ever shone light into her life. Whose mind had fascinated her, whose potential had awakened her.

She gave up and switched on her light. Sat on the edge of her bed and looked at herself in the mirror. Eyed her appearance critically. Not that she had let it go. Rather, had automated its upkeep so completely that she had rare need to pay it any attention. But here she was, on the short side, on the slim side, with long black hair brushed and straightened. She had a sharp nose and a general countenance that matched her personality. But she liked the overall impression, always had. Few who looked at her face forgot it. She grasped her generous breasts experimentally, pushed them together, and was pleased at the result.

Somehow, two hours had passed since she’d left Jake and Jelena alone. She quietly opened the door and moved to the kitchen in search of cold water. On the way back stopped to observe them as they slept. Jelena somehow still looked elegant, her hands palm down on the pillow beside her head, delicate profile visible against the pillow.

Jake was much messier. The pillow had fallen to the floor and the blanket was scrunched down around his thighs. And he was topless.

Breathing softly, Paula approached. Her brother’s body was hot. She dismissed the thought immediately as an irrelevant distraction. Resummoned it again as she considered the various uses such a body could be put to. Let it linger in her mind for many ticking seconds. Where slowly it began to settle, and spread, like a film over the topography of her mind. She convinced herself that maybe she ought to even touch the taut flesh of his chest, run her hands over his skin, feel its texture. It would be an instructive experience. He was sculpted in a way that she had never seen up close like this.

Jelena snorted in her sleep, and Paula looked over, angry at the interruption. The rage deepened. No longer merely the instincts of a protective sister, but something else, something frightening.

A wildness seized her, and she reached out and placed an entire hand flush on Jake’s chest.

He didn’t react.

She could feel the slow beat of his heart. She could feel the goosebumps covering his skin. Emboldened, she explored his torso slowly, alert to the tiniest sign of his waking. He was perfection, his skin felt so achingly familiar, yet opposite to hers. She brushed his chest, his stomach, and then reached the elastic of his shorts, was momentarily bewildered that somehow her meanderings had led to here. The blood pulsed in her head.

Her hands went elsewhere, again over his muscled chest, up and around his shoulder, cupping his bicep, measuring its girth. Then all around and over him again, and inevitably down. This time probing underneath his waistband, encountering thick hair, what could that be?

‘Babe?,’ Jake murmured in his sleep.

Furious, Paula snatched her hand back. Then stared at it, not quite understanding what she had just done. She looked one last time at her sleeping brother and fled to her room.

Sleep was completely out of the question now.

She cried hot tears of rage, pounding her fists into the pillow. She didn’t know what she was feeling, couldn’t even fathom it. Having been spoilt for so long by her ability to remain in control, she had no idea what to do when it was gone. Her skin prickled, alternating between hot and cold. She ripped off her pyjamas, her panties, and threw them to the floor, scratching her body, gouging it, anything to distract herself from her sobbing, yelling heart. She went to the bathroom, rifled futilely through the cabinet. The bright light leered at her and she returned to bed.

Suddenly hating the sensation of the sheets against her naked skin, she groped for her discarded clothing. Fumbled with her panties, discovered on them a thick liquid, unexplained. Stopped, completely frozen. Then slowly dropped a hand to her own groin and pressed a finger experimentally.

Oh Fuck.

There was more moisture there than she knew was possible.

Oh Fuck.

What the fuck happens now.

—–

The next morning Paula pretended everything was normal. What choice did she have? She served up a tasty breakfast, smiling tightly, and then went on her way.

In fact the next few weeks passed normally enough. Jake and Jelena found a place within five days with the help of his savings and her parents. He began the first rotation of a graduate program at a finance firm, bought a rattly old commodore, and took lunch with Paula a half dozen times. He seemed to have no inkling of what had happened that first night, nor did he query Paula on her muted, cautious demeanour. Nor did he once catch the genuine, girlish smiles she allowed herself when he wasn’t looking. Paula kept her promise – she didn’t tell him what to do or how to feel, and Jake slowly relaxed.

For Paula’s part, she alternated between moments of her old self-assurance, and frantic terror. She worked even more hours, using it as a way to blot out the unwelcome feelings. More than once she woke suddenly in the night, her panties knotted around her ankles, her body feeling like it was on fire. Confused and distraught, she didn’t get much sleep those nights.

She also began to check her phone obsessively, hanging on even the most mundane update from Jake.

Scrounged this yesterday 🙂, accompanied by a photo of an ancient yet robust arm chair, Jelena’s arm draped casually over it, was enough to cause Paula to spend twenty minutes at her desk, chewing her nails, wondering what to say.

So much for reformed.

But Paula hadn’t got to where she had by accident. She didn’t conquer these new sensations, but she did find with them an uneasy detente. Before long, any alterations in her behaviour had been smoothed over. As far as the outside world was concerned, she was the same controlled, relentless Paula.

In the meantime, Phillip Rebus, partner and founder of Rebus & Tristan returned from his 6 month sojourn in London. He entered the office one afternoon with a flourish, beaming around benevolently at the miniature empire he had created, dispensing smiles and light touches to the dozen or so who crowded around him. Paula of course continued to work, steeling herself for his inevitable approach.

‘Don’t you want to know what souvenir I brought you?’

Phillip stood in her doorway, a mischievous twinkle in his eye. His lightly greying hair was longer, scruffier than she remembered. He wore a t-shirt and shorts with a bulky, expensive watch. Paula eyed him critically.

‘You look like a schoolboy,’ she said.

Phillip laughed.

‘The ex said I was so good at being a businessman, and asked why on earth would I try to appear like anything else?’

‘What do you want Phil? I have work to do,’ Paula said impatiently.

‘As boring as it might sound, the exact same thing I wanted last time I ambushed you in here.’

‘You know most people would consider this sexual harassment,’ she raised her eyebrows, unimpressed.

‘Paula my dear, you are the most competent person I have ever met. If anyone can handle an inappropriate boss, it’s you.’

She smiled in spite of herself.

‘Get out of here then, before I let my lawyer handle things instead,’ she said, still smiling.

‘Spoilsport. You know where to find me!’ he said cheerily, and left. He swept over the rest of the office with his usual panache. Paula grabbed her phone, but there were no new messages, and she slapped it back to the desk.

The next day at lunch she relayed the story to Jake, watching carefully his reaction. Waiters wove through the crowded room balancing plates like acrobats, and outside seagulls squawked.

‘Well he was right about one thing,’ he said.

‘Flatter me, I dare you.’

‘You are a spoilsport.’

She opened her mouth in mock outrage and threw her napkin at him.

‘Meanie.’

‘Would it be such a bad idea to say yes to him?’ he asked cautiously.

Paula shrugged.

‘I’ve thought about it. And he isn’t unattractive. But men like that are just butterfly collectors, hunting for unusual specimens.’

‘I’m sure you could keep him interested.’

‘Maybe. But it’s not worth the effort.’

Jake’s body relaxed, he seemed satisfied.

They walked together back along the wharf, each of them slurping a coffee. They arrived at his building and he waved his ID at reception. As she left, she caught him still looking at her through the glass. She pondered his expression all the way back to R&T.

The following Wednesday found her and Jake munching away in the air conditioned interior of a cheap pasta joint. Paula’s now practiced nonchalance put Jake completely at ease, and he prattled on about a technical problem he was encountering at work. She listened fondly, taking the chance to drink in the sight of him while he focused on his food.

‘I have a question,’ he said, and suddenly the mood of the conversation changed. He seemed uncertain.

‘Jelena and I are going down the coast for the long weekend. I was wondering if you wanted to come with us?’ he asked.

Paula pondered the use of ‘I’ rather than ‘we’.

‘You know, to thank you for all your help,’ he finished hastily.

She shrugged. ‘Sure, why not. Jelena okay with it?’ she asked casually.

Jake gave a small smile. ‘It was actually her idea. But,’ he hesitated, ‘I think she was testing me. To see if I would insist on spending time with her alone.’

Paula laughed. ‘Well good thing for me that you failed.’

‘Yes, despite all your training, I still fail from time to time.’

It was a rare mention of their past, and Jake seemed like he regretted saying it. Paula reached out to touch his hand and smiled. He looked relieved.

So two weeks later they escaped down to Jervis bay. Taking separate cars, of course, Paula wishing to keep tensions as low as possible. The house Jake had rented was right on the sand. Way too many rooms, a kitchen that gleamed with seldom-used utensils, and a television the size of a soccer pitch. There was a small cafe 100 metres down the road, serving happy families and fellow holidaymakers. Couples walked along the beach and kids splashed in the shallows.

That first afternoon Paula excused herself for a walk. She pushed herself quickly down Hyam’s beach and down along to the point. She felt relieved to be alone in the crisp air. She sat on a stone bench close to the water and simply watched the world around her.

The next day Jelena busied Jake with a long list of activities while Paula lounged on the sand. She had set herself the task of learning economics, and must have looked ridiculous sitting on her towel with a thick textbook in her lap, fastidiously clearing each page of sand before turning to the next. In the late afternoon Jake found her, placing his warm hand on her shoulder to announce his arrival.

‘Jelena’s gone to visit a friend an hour or so away. She said to expect her back late.’

‘Not going with her? She wore you out?’

‘She and I have very different ideas of a holiday,’ he said, laughing. ‘Want to watch some TV?’

They walked slowly back to the house. Again, their arms brushed while they walked, but this time Jake took her hand in his. An old lady winked at them as she passed them on the sand, and Paula pretended not to notice.

They flicked through the channels, eventually settling on some harmless footy. Paula’s eyes glittered as she watched the men batter each other up and down the field, cursing under her breath. Jake, safely distanced at the other end of the couch, sat completely still.

‘First painting now Footy?’ he asked.

‘It’s so… intense’ Paula said, trying to explain.

The game ended and Jake got to his feet.

‘Well,’ he said, ‘I have my own little secret.’ He went to the fridge and unloaded an armful of ingredients.

‘I have become quite the chef,’ he said proudly.

An hour later he announced that it was ready. He set the table with a flourish, and produced an expensive red.

‘Jelena’s daddy’s credit card doing wonders?’ Paula asked when she saw the label.

‘You’re not the only one with a decent paycheck,’ Jake responded, sticking his tongue out. ‘To happiness,’ he said, raising his glass. Paula bit back the impulse to correct him… To success.

The prawn linguine was delicious and the wine potent. They ended up on the couch again, this time with a movie. Jake’s posture, so straight at first, gradually slackened. Until eventually, yawning, his head was resting in Paula’s lap. She made no comment, instead acting like it was the most normal thing in the world, and her heart wasn’t beating twice as fast as it should be. She reached out lamely to pat his hair. He snuggled deeper into her lap, seeming to appreciate it, and Paula’s fingers settled into a rhythm, scratching and teasing his scalp.

The movie ended and Jake blearily rose to a sitting position, fumbling for his phone.

‘Jelena says she’s had a couple, will have to wait it off before driving. Reckons 3 am.’

Paula shivered, feeling the insistent beckoning of fate. She turned to Jake, reaching for him, but he had already stood.

‘Bed time for me,’ he said sleepily, eyes still locked on his phone.

‘But it’s only 10,’ Paula wanted to say. But he had already left.

The room felt immediately lifeless. Paula knew she was about to be very not okay. She threw the remote at the couch as hard as she could, and it bounced on to the floor. She wanted to scream, and the worst part was she still didn’t really understand why.

Back in her room, she found her recently purchased sleeping pills. Opted against them given the several glasses of wine she had drunk. Sat on the edge of her bed, wanting to weep. Something about the mirror in this room was less forgiving, and for a moment she hated how she looked.

She lay down, her head feeling heavy. For a moment she thought she smelled Jake’s hair again, and she sat bolt upright, but there was nothing. She replayed the sensation of his hand taking hers, over and over again. There was a feeling that came with it too, the tiniest sliver of a peace she had never known. Like she could finally relax, after an entire life astride a second hand ticking over in her mind. She tried to tear open that sliver, step through and see what lay beyond, but she couldn’t. Every time her mind seized and went blank.

Finally, sleep came.

She dreamt of Jake running across a field, charging straight at someone. Paula ran in his wake. Her clothing was soaked, and her shoes squelched. Jake suddenly looked over his shoulder at her, concerned. She wanted to shout at him to watch out, he was in danger. But he didn’t look away, didn’t break eye contact.

She woke.

Panties knotted around her ankles. Skin soaked with sweat. Heart louder than a cannon. A scent emanating from her body.

It was only 1 am.

Paula rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She kicked her panties off. All she wore now was a t-shirt.

Huh.

It was only 1 am.

She rose like a marionette. Jake’s door was open. She could see his form entangled in the sheets. She approached steadily, slowly, and placed a knee on the bed. Jake turned at the interruption, but did not wake. His strong face looked vulnerable in the moonlight. His giant arms lay becalmed, fists open, welcoming. Paula wanted to touch his body again, but some part of her also knew that by coming here she had crossed a much further threshold than just that.

She placed a second knee on the bed.

Jake shifted again, and this time his entire body came free of the sheet. Paula gasped. He was wearing boxers again, but this time they were far from shapeless.

Jake was colossal.

Forget a tent, his boxers were a circus marquee. His hard bulge stood impossibly tall, trembling slightly with its undeniable power. Paula couldn’t look away. Before she knew it her hand was at his elastic again, ready to delve deeper, to grab and hold.

She stopped herself.

Her breath was ragged and deep.

She realised with perfect clarity that everything she had been feeling had had only one purpose: to navigate her to this moment. And those feelings had done so with marvelous precision. Past her own reluctance, squeamishness, confusion, obsessiveness. Neatly sidestepping that bitch Jelena. Right to this moment.

She felt calmed, unencumbered by things that served no purpose.

She reached for Jake’s cock, and she took it. It felt as huge as it looked. Her tiny fist was no match for it. Her brother’s cock was a monolith and she would bow to it. She could feel the blood pulsing through it, matching the rate of her own heart.

Suddenly Jake’s hand snapped around her forearm and yanked her hand away.

Paula whimpered.

But he hadn’t woken. He grumbled, shifted to his side, with his back to her.

She felt a trickle down her thighs and knew it wasn’t sweat.

A car purred down the road and its headlights illuminated the room. Paula started, but the car didn’t slow down, and in a moment it was gone.

She turned her attention back to Jake.

He had rotated completely on to his front, and Paula felt a moment of relief. He was out of reach now, there was no way for her to get her hands on him again. It wasn’t too late for her to turn back. The floodgates had been opened, but she would still be able to close them. She didn’t need to let this become her life, her entire existence. Not yet.

A small light flashed from the bedside table. Jake’s phone. Paula reached for it with trembling hands. There was a text from Jelena.

Leaving here soon. Can’t wait to cuddle. Love you so much my darling.

Paula choked with rage. How fucking dare anyone utter those words to Jake. She loved Jake, not that dumb doll. In that moment she hated Jelena like she had never hated anything. And she would take from her what was most precious.

She placed her hand on Jake’s back and began to tug at his side ever so gently. He grunted and reached for the sheet, yanking it protectively over his body.

She pulled again and he turned his head.

‘Whadyawant,’ he mumbled.

Paula dared not open her mouth. She tugged once more.

Jake finally complied, flopping over onto his back. He flung an arm out and it connected with Paula’s thigh. She yelped.

Jake’s erection hadn’t gone anywhere, in fact if anything it had become even more impressive. Paula stared at it once more, mesmerised. She reached for his boxers again, and this time began to shimmy them down. For an exhilarating moment she had to reach underneath, press his penis down against the flesh of his stomach so that she could continue to unclothe him. Working slowly, she pushed his boxers down his legs, and eventually free of his feet.

He was now completely naked.

His gigantic dick was free in the cold air. It was the most amazing thing Paula had ever seen.

She bent over and lowered her head tentatively towards it. Pressed her lips against its head, and wondered how on earth she was going to take any of it.

Jake grunted but remained motionless.

Paula reached out with her tongue and tasted her brother for the first time. In that moment she knew her fate was sealed. She knew she would be addicted to that taste for as long as she lived. She swirled her tongue around and around, moaning softly. Then opened her mouth wide, managing by some miracle to take the first inch of him inside her. His hips bucked up and she struggled with the second. Jake was groaning softly, but it didn’t matter now if he knew, how could anything matter next to his monster cock in her mouth and his taste coursing through her body.

She pushed her head deeper, slurping, saliva dripping everywhere. A large hand pawed at her rear, insistent. Fingers trailed through the river of her wetness. She was too busy to care though, working his cock further and further down her throat. Suddenly two hands grabbed each of her hips, lifted her up and repositioned her effortlessly. So that her dripping cunt was directly over her brother’s face. She splayed her knees, accommodating him.

The first touch of his tongue made her giddy. Her brother was actually licking her cunt. She gave up trying to swallow all of him and focused on moving her head up and down the thick shaft. It wasn’t easy, but that was part of the fun. Jake’s tongue was now applying a strong, relentless pressure on her clit, moving inexorably up and down.

He groaned. ‘Babe you taste so amazing,’ he said, a note of disbelief in his voice.

Paula froze.

He thought she was Jelena.

‘Babe?’

He will realise, she thought savagely, I will make him realise. She launched herself at his cock again, this time impaling herself deeper. She was still barely past half way.

‘Oh my fucking god,’ he groaned again.

She gave his balls a light slap and he moaned louder. Then attacked her clit with a renewed intensity. Paula released his cock and sat up straighter, resting on her brother’s face with more of her weight. She grabbed his rod with her hand and began to power it up and down. There was slipperiness everywhere. On his dick, his balls, her face, all over her thighs.

Muffled words escaped Jake’s mouth, but Paula responded only by grinding herself harder on to his face. He was up to the challenge, and waves of pleasure were coursing through Paula’s body as he flicked over and around her clit. The room was full of their scent, strong and intoxicating, and Paula threw her head back, revelling in it. She was using two hands on his cock now, but they still felt so small in comparison.

‘Keep going,’ Jake urged. His voice was ragged. Paula felt like she was experiencing the true, unfiltered Jake for the first time ever. His raw, base self. And she loved it. She hopped off his face, wanting to dedicate this moment solely to pleasuring him. Her hands were a blur, Jake’s back was arched, both of them were groaning with effort and ecstasy.

‘Oh my god,’ he let out a deep guttural groan.

Paula positioned her mouth ready for the explosion.

It smacked her in the back of her throat.

It jetted all over her face.

There was so much of it.

She scooped a great gob of it off the head of his cock and sucked her finger clean. Slowly, deferentially, she swished her tongue over and around his tip, making sure every drop was attended to. Almost ritualistically.

Jake gave her a hefty smack on her backside.

‘Mmm thanks babe, that was unbelievable,’ he said weakly.

By the time Paula had turned around, his eyes were already closed.

Paula lay there with him as long as she dared. Curled up against his chest, stroking his skin, marveling at him, smelling him. She was exultant and relieved all at once. A kind of blissful blankness that she knew would have to end soon. She felt safe, like she belonged. All she needed was for him to pick her up in his arms and hold her close.