‘What the fuck just happened?’
One moment, Marc had a great job in a successful company, the next moment the job and company were. No one was sure why, and no one was talking. It suddenly seemed as if success had been an illusion, or a lie.
Jane found Marc sitting in the kitchen with a beer. “You’re home from work, early, Marc. You okay?” Jane asked.
Marc mumbled, “No.”
“Shit, you sick?” Paula asked. He shook his head.
“Not sick,” he mumbled. “Dead.”
“What the fuck?” Jane said. She went up to Marc and hugged him. “What do you mean?”
“Motherfuckers killed the company.”
“What?” Paula asked. He told Jane and Paula the founders had piled up massive debt. The company had been up for sale. Buyers wanted the company, but not the debt. So the owners just shut it down and walked away. Three hundred people out of work in a flash.
They suddenly needed a realistic plan for maintaining their house-hold. He had been supporting them, as well as paying the mortgage on his house next door. He immediately decided to sell his house. He wanted to look for a new job but his industry was shrinking. Jobs were moving elsewhere. Jane could apply for a job at the mental-health clinics in the city. Paula could probably work as a substitute teacher. The problem was that when Jane and Paula got full-time jobs, Marc would have to take care of Julia. He would become a stay-at-home-dad.
He had worked long hours when Caroline was little. Sarah took care of her until she started school. He assured them he could learn to take care of Julia, but he would need their help. He did not know much about a child’s day-to-day needs and habits. Everyone agreed that was the best short-term solution. They would work out a longer-term strategy later.
Overnight, their household went from quiet order to frenzied chaos. Jane and Paula spent their time looking for jobs. There were phone calls, messages, long hours on the computer, networking, interviews, etc. Julia got used to seeing her Dad more than before. She seemed delighted to have a different caregiver. He fed her and put her to bed. They developed a pleasant easygoing relationship. He found it easy to make her laugh, and keep her happy. Her mood suffused the whole house and, despite the pressure, everyone seemed happy.
She soon became more attached to Marc that to Paula or Jane. Neither of them noticed until it was too late to do anything about it. They realized it would be too traumatic for Julia if they had to change care-givers again. Marc would have to take care of her until she started school, which meant he could not get another job. He tried free-lance consulting but could never find the time to do much work, so he gave up.
Jane and Paula were happy with Marc’s seeming success at becoming a full-time dad, but they wondered whether had properly grieved losing his job. Now that he was Julia’s full-time care-giver, did that mean his former career was over? How did he feel about that? They thought he might have periods of despair or worry that he should not have to deal with alone, but they were out of the house most of the time so they could not help him. When they were around, he did not seem to want to talk about his feelings. They were hoping time would heal his sense of loss. But it did not.
Then Marc sold his house and Caroline had to move in with them. They gave her the baby’s room because Julia slept in a crib in their room. It was difficult for her to go from having a whole house to herself to just one room. She had to live with cutesy baby decorations, but at least she had her own bathroom.
But she felt out of place. Jane, Paula, and Marc had developed their unique relationship over time by having the freedom to do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted. Now, Caroline felt they were feeling inhibited. She loved them, but it soon became obvious she was an intruder.
“Oh, God, Marc, that feels awesome! Jane, you’re gonna make me come!” Paula lay on her side between Marc and Jane. She was fingering Jane’s crotch. He was fucking her from behind. Jane was fingering her crotch and fondling her breasts. “You guys are so – oh, shit! Oh, my God! I LOVE YOU!!” Paula shouted as she was coming.
“Take it easy,” Marc said, and eased his fucking.
“Oh, sorry,” Paula whispered, and became quiet.
Jane raised her head and looked at him. “What the fuck?” she said.
“Caroline,” he whispered.
“What??? You mean we have to be quiet because Caroline’s here?” Jane was furious. She had been sharing Paula’s ecstasy and moving toward an orgasm of her own. “We have to shut the fuck up, now?”
“Um, no, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.”
“Caroline’s a big girl. She knows people have sex.”
“I know, but.”
“But what? You’re embarrassed?”
“No, of course not.”
“I think you are.” Jane’s vehemence shocked Marc and Paula.
“It’s okay, Jane. I was being loud,” Paula said.
“Yes, you were. I, for one, love it when you’re loud. It gets me off.”
“Great. Can we just finish now?” Paula asked.
“No. I’m not in the mood anymore,” Jane said.
“Well, then, Paula and I can…” Marc said.
“No. I’m sleepy,” Jane lied. Marc looked at Paula, wondering whether she wanted to continue.
“Thanks, but I’m worn out anyway,” Paula said. Marc was angry – but he was not sure why. Was he angry at Paula for being loud, Jane for being mean, or himself for asking Paula to be quiet? He decided he had no idea what had happened and it would be best to just go away. He got out of bed and went into the bathroom. When he came out a few moments later he was wearing his heaviest pair of flannel pajamas. He went over to the cedar chest and took out a sheet, pillow, and blanket, then left the bedroom, without saying good night.
Jane turned to Paula and asked, “Sweetie, do you want me to…?”
“No, I’m okay. I just want to go to sleep. Do you want me to do anything?” Jane smiled and shook her head.
Marc awoke as Caroline walked by the couch. She noticed his eyes were open. “Dad? What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Couldn’t sleep. Tossed and turned. Didn’t want to bother Jane and Paula,” he lied.
Caroline assumed they had had a fight. It was normal to fight, sometimes. She was sure everything would be okay when they were eating dinner.
But it was not. Marc, Jane, and Paula did not say anything to Caroline or to each other all day. Marc did not even come to the table at dinner. She felt very uncomfortable. Later, Jane and Paula went to bed but Marc stayed up. Caroline did, too. She was curious whether he would be sleeping on the couch again. Marc was drowsy but did not move.
“Why don’t you go up to bed?” she asked.
“Too early.” He said.
“Dad, what’s going on? Is it me?”
“No. it’s me.”
“Did you do something?”
“Yeah, in a way you could say that.”
“Well…what?”
“I failed.” He did not continue so Caroline just waited. Finally, he said, “You can’t tell Jane or Paula, okay?” Caroline had no idea what he meant so she just nodded. He hung his head down and said, softly, “I fucked up.”
“What? How?”
“I am not a care-giver.”
“Oh. You mean Julia?” He nodded. “But you’re doing great. She adores you.”
“No, I don’t have it in me. I’m bored as hell. I’m going crazy with her day after day. I love her but I wish someone else took care of her.”
“Oh.”
“And there’s no one else. Jane can’t do it. Paula can’t do it.” He looked pleadingly at her.
“Um, I can’t do it, either.”
“Yeah, I know. I wasn’t asking. What the fuck am I gonna do? I can’t go on like this.” He did not know which was worse, feeling trapped or letting Jane and Paula down.
Caroline told Jane and Paula what he was feeling. They were not angry or disappointed. They just felt sorry for him. Marc had to live up to the responsibility he had taken on. He could not give up and expect one of them to step in. He was going to have to find a way to make it work. They were doing okay financially and their lives were stable. So, there was nothing they could do, for now.
Caroline felt she had get out of their house. She quit her job and moved to Detroit to live with Sarah, her Mom. The kind of work Caroline did was so low-paying there were always openings. She got another job and tried not to worry about her father, Jane and Paula.
But she did worry about Julia, and she was not sure why.