My life is crashing, there is no other word for it. I had it all: A loving husband who provided for my daughter and me in every way. He earned enough money so that I didn’t need to go back to work after the birth of our daughter Kim. We weren’t rich but had a comfortable life with a nice home and I didn’t have to cry for money. Okay, sometimes I had to argue with my husband but most of the time I got my way.
We had a varied sex life, but it decreased the last few years because my husband got promoted several times and had to work late more often. Maybe that was the reason I was vulnerable to the advances of my long-time lover Billy. He complemented me every time we saw each other and with my libido still high I thought I could have a lover without hurting my husband. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too and my husband wouldn’t suffer from it, it would even improve the love life with him. How stupid this sounds now.
Then came the time when our daughter moved to the college, and I visited her there two weekends. On the first weekend I met Mark at a frat party I visited with my daughter. I spend my time in bed with him and my daughter even appreciated it. Then followed 4 weeks with telephone sex with Mark and masturbation thinking of him. I also met with Billy during this time, but I didn’t tell him about Mark and my weekend yet. What I didn’t realize was that I completely neglected my husband. I found out later in an embarrassing way. On my second visit at the college, I met Mark again and had sex with him and about a dozen of his friends through the whole weekend. My daughter knew everything and was happy for me and we both didn’t think of my husband, her father. We were selfish without end.
Five weeks after my second weekend my live crashed. My husband stopped the payment for the college and after confronting him he told me that he knew about my lover. You’ve read about that. But my fall didn’t stop there.
The rest of the week after my husband told me what he knew about my cheating, I spent in a haze. I called my daughter several times and we cried together. I can honestly say I never wanted to hurt my husband, but I never thought what would happen if my husband found out. Today I can say I lived in my own fantasy world where I could have everything, but hindsight is 20/20. My daughter said she would come home for the weekend, and we should sit down and talk with him. I wasn’t sure if it would help me but maybe it could restore her relationship with her father. Mark called once after he heard about the confrontation, but I shut him down. Even Billy, who I met about 2 times a week wasn’t in my thought. He texted me several times asking to come by, but I just told him once that I had familiar problems to solve and would contact him later. My husband stayed away from home in the evenings. At First, I thought he had sex with other women but then I saw the sportswear in the hamper. I remembered seeing it several times in the last few weeks but didn’t think about it then. Well, it shows where my mind was.
**********
Then came the weekend. My daughter arrived on Friday afternoon, and we talked. I even told her about Billy, the only secret I kept from her until that day. When my husband came late in the evening my daughter run up to him and embraced him and cried “I’m sorry” several times. He just patted her on her back and just said “we talk next morning” and walked to the guestroom. I know this indifference hurt my daughter, but she said she understands when she came back to me to the table.
After a sleepless night we met in the morning at our dinner table. After looking at my daughter and me for few seconds he just said “Who wants to start talking? What have you both to say about this mess?” My daughter and I had discussed it the evening before and thought it would be the best if she would act as mediator even with her role in it. According to what she knew she started her speech.
“Daddy, first I want to say I’m sorry we hurt you so much. I can assure you that we both, mum and I, really love you, that never changed. We know that our actions suggest something else.” My husband just grumbled but didn’t say anything, so my daughter continued. “You know I’ve been always best friend with my mother, not just a child. She shared a lot of her life with me, so I also know a lot about your marriage. Yes, we talked even about sex and your sex life.”
At this my husband looked at me surprised but also angry. I couldn’t look him in the eyes for long, so I lowered my gaze to my hands. I thought back what I told my daughter the last few years and it didn’t paint a good picture of my life with my husband, worse than it had actually been. My daughter continued.
“My mother told me, that over the years your sex-life suffered. You started to work longer hours and were often tired. I know she started to use toys to satisfy her sexual needs because she didn’t want to put pressure on you. I didn’t know she started an affair with Billy a few years ago. In the discussions with her this last week she told me that she started to explore her sexuality with him to improve your sex-life together.” Until then she spoke with normal but neutral voice, but she continued with a low voice and with looking at me also accusatory. “But looking back I never did see any improvement, at least she didn’t tell me. She always told me that she is sexually unsatisfied and didn’t get the attention from you. This was the main reason I accepted her fling with Mark on her first visit. I thought it would satisfy her needs on the long term and it wouldn’t hurt you in any way. I knew she had contact with him through the following weeks and I even knew she wanted to meet him again. However, I didn’t know how intense their calls and chats have been. I learned about it after talking with Mark. Yes, I encouraged her to meet him again the second weekend she came up to the college. It shouldn’t become a long-term affair. I knew that she did have sex not just with Mark, though I didn’t know about the gangbang in the first night. But after that I just thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone if she let her hair down the whole weekend.” At this she looked down and blushed but continued. “Yes, I let her fuck my boyfriend Bob on the second weekend. Somehow it felt alright for the bonding between my mother and me. But I never expected all this to intensify the bond between my mother and Mark.”
After my daughter finished her speak, we sat around in silence to process what she said. I noticed then that I had started to cry, and I just knew that it needs a miracle to save my marriage.
After a long pause of several minutes my husband turned to me and asked in a cold manner if I had something to add by way of explanation. I couldn’t talk so I just shook my head no. He waited a few more seconds if I might change my mind. He then leaned back and started his speech that would determine my future.
“Let’s recapitulate. My wife started her long-term affair because I had to work long hours to provide for my family. She wouldn’t talk to me about it because she didn’t want to hurt me, she fucked other men thinking it wouldn’t hurt me, instead. She wanted to explore her sexuality by having an affair with Mark instead of talking to me. She also become a slut for a more than a dozen frat-boys to satisfy her sexual needs with the encouragement of my daughter. She even fucked her daughter’s boyfriend to become closer to her.”
When he said it like that it sounded really terrible. I sunk back in my seat shamefully and let the tears flow. But I didn’t think one second they would have an effect on my husband. After some time, what seemed like hours but could only be a few seconds, he started to talk again — mainly to my daughter.
“Let’s straighten a few things here. Your mother had a good job before she became pregnant with you. Don’t get me wrong: The pregnancy was planned, and I always wanted children. This is the reason we moved to this bigger home for the all the children we planned even when I argued that this house is way too big. But she countered that she would go back to work after the planned kids will have started school and contribute to the household.”
I sat there in tears and thought back to this time. A time when we were happy. It’s true, I wanted this big house and fill it with children, and I really wanted to go back to work.
“After you were born, she stayed at home and provided for you. After a few years I wanted more kids, but your mother decided one was enough and that she doesn’t want more. I never forced her for more because I thought and still think this is her decision in the end because it’s her body. When you started school, she also decided she doesn’t want to go back to work and keep the focus on your growing up. It was okay with it at the beginning, because I earned enough for us for good life. There was just a little problem. Now we had this big house I had to pay for, and your mother didn’t go back to work. That alone wouldn’t have been such a problem because I am good in my job and earn good money. However, with your mother staying home she had to fill her free time especially after you started school.”
Oh god, I knew where this is going to. I never realized I was so bad.
“Her hobbies started to cost more money over the time. I don’t want to explain what your mother spent our money for. I don’t want to harp on her visits to the beauty salon every other week for a few hundred dollars. Or her shoes and purses and dresses she used maybe once in all these years. And I don’t want to mention her new car she had to have every 3 or 4 year — of course with all the extras. Oh, and did you know she even spent some money I had to work for on her lovers? While I got a gift certificate on Christmas her lover got an expensive watch – with personalized engraving. I found out just recently because she was good on fogging some expenses.”
With that my daughter looked at me surprised. That too was something I didn’t tell her. I felt ashamed even more.
“You might wonder why I didn’t say something. But I have to tell you I did say something from early on. I had several discussions about money with your mother, but I kept it away from you. She always argued that you are worth the money, and she promised to decrease her spending. Well, this always lasted a few weeks and then she was back on spending. After a few years I gave up discussing but I had to work longer hours to finance your mother. And of course, you. I don’t have to tell you what hobbies you tried over the years and I’m sure you have no idea how much they cost. Your mother always wanted the best of the best for you.
Did you know that in the last several years 70 percent of our money went to your mothers and your spending? With the remaining 30% I had for paying my expenses as much as put aside for our nest egg. Maybe you realize this egg is not really substantial at the moment with your school and your mothers ‘investments’. I would say it’s more like a grain than an egg. Your mother accused me once for spending 150 Dollar on a tennis racket whereas she spent 400 Dollar on a new bag the same week. And I really would have liked to see your mother in all the dessous she bought from Victoria secret or Agent provocateur, but it seems that’s reserved for the lovers.”
‘Oh my god’ I thought, ‘How much did he find out’. I never saw it that bad. I never knew about our financial situation; money was there to spend it. When I bought sexy lingerie, I always thought about my husband, but I never wore it for him even when he asked me to. He interrupted my line of thought by continuing.
“So, my dear daughter, you will understand that money doesn’t grow on trees, I had to work for it, and I had to work long hours to bring additional money. I like my job, so this was no big problem for me.”
“Of course, my working long hours had to have an impact on our sex life. After working 10 hours or more a day I don’t have the energy to treat your mother for a long time before getting to the main part. She always needed me to seduce her with fondling and caressing her body for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I love foreplay, but I don’t always have the energy for it.”
By talking about our sex-life my daughter started to blush. She wasn’t prepared to talk about sex with her father, though she started it in her intro.
“Oh, come on my dear daughter, no reason to blush. If you talked with your mother about our sex-life you should know all this. Did your mother tell you we had a quite active sex life in the beginning of our marriage? But with active I just mean the amount of sex. We did I quiet often and sometimes several times a day. The amount surely reduced after you were born, that was ok with me. But what your mother never was, at least with me, was being really adventurous. Blowjobs were always a rarity because they were humiliating her. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have to perform orally on her. On the contrary, I was expected to perform cunnilingus as foreplay. The same goes for new positions. Doggy was degrading her and was only seldom performed. Mostly she was the passive partner and let me do the work. Introducing new ideas wasn’t very appreciated, so I stopped trying ten years ago. And yes, with the plain vanilla sex it dwindled down altogether.”
Hearing it from him like that I wanted to object….. but I couldn’t. Everything he said was true. He tried to be more adventurous and try new things, but I refused. I didn’t want to be seen as slut — what a joke now. How my lover or the frat-boys saw me I didn’t care so I was willing to do things I wouldn’t do with my husband.
“So, my dear daughter, blaming our bad sex life on me and having this as justification doesn’t work here. Did your mother say anything to me? No. Did she ever introduce new sexual practices? No. Did she ever consent to new things introduced by me? Not really. In the last 5 years about 90% of sexual intercourse were started by me. About 90% of our sexual intercourse with me as active partner while your mother lay on her back. So don’t tell me it’s my fault that she is a slut for others.”
The last rants got louder and louder and I sunk back more and more. He took a few deep breaths and continued more calmly…
“I don’t know what you both expect from me, but there will be changes in all our lives. You can think about your future until tomorrow. Then I will decide what happens next.”
With that he looked at us for a few seconds that seemed like hours. Then he got up and left the room. Half an hour later he came down with a small sports bag and said that he will come back late in in the evening and we don’t need to wait with dinner for him. Kim and I still sat at the table looking at each other but lost in our own thoughts about the Revelations.
I’ve always seen myself as a person of high morals and high sense of family. But being confronted with the truth I suddenly saw myself as what I really was. A selfish cheating bitch. Self-awareness is the first step towards self-improvement, but god damn this hurts. But what hurt the most was that I hurt my husband. Somehow, I didn’t feel sorry for myself. Not one bit. But I felt sorry for my husband and my daughter. How and especially when did I lose my moral way? This I had to resolve for myself either my marriage continuous or not.
I don’t want to go into details, but when I talked with my daughter the rest of the day, I knew our relationship got a big dent. She never openly accused me but from her wording and tone I knew she blamed me for making her father the bad person in the past.
She wanted to mend her relationship with her father, and I knew there was a great chance for her. I knew I would help her any way I could. However, I didn’t know if my marriage was mortally wounded or if I could save it. I knew it would never be like before again and I had to make a lot of concessions.
I knew I still loved my husband even my actions didn’t show it. And I knew I still respected my heart husband for everything he did for us. I never allowed anyone to seriously badmouth him. With all the talking I knew in my mind I had to take the blame and take responsibility for my action and start giving without expecting something.
**********
The next Sunday morning started like the day before. My daughter and I were sitting at the table when my husband arrived. Before either of them could start talking I said “Please let me start before I lose my courage.” They both looked at me surprised and when they didn’t object, I continued:
“My dear husband. I’m sorry that I hurt you so much. I don’t know when I lost my way but please believe me when I say I always loved you. Be assured that nothing you did or didn’t do was the reason. The blame is on me completely. I don’t know why I did what I did but I intend to find out with professional help.
I know you dislike our daughter at the moment, but please, she is a victim like you. A victim of my selfishness and lies I told her and lies by omission of important facts.”
With the last sentences they looked at me with big eyes. I don’t think they expected something like that at all. Before losing my composure, I continued:
“Even if you don’t want me anymore in the future, please reconcile with our daughter. She needs you as responsible father to bring her back on the right way more than me as selfish woman. At least now.
I know I have no right to ask, but if you find it in your heart to give me second chance I would do nearly anything to earn it. I know you will never forget what I did, but I hope you can forgive me sometime in the future.”
After a few seconds I finished with “Even if you move on without me to be happy with someone else you have to forgive me for your own happiness.”
With the last sentence I lost it and run upstairs to the bedroom. I didn’t plan to say the last sentence because I didn’t want to think about a life without him. But right at this moment all I wanted was him to be happy with whoever it may be.
It took me 15 minutes to calm down again and I walked back down. “I’m sorry” I said when I sat down again.
Everyone seemed lost in thoughts but then my husband straightened up. “I thank you for your confession even though I didn’t expect it so hard on yourself.”
After a few seconds he continued.
“I don’t want to beat around the bush. I tell you that I’ve already consulted a divorce lawyer.”
With this revelation I sank back in my seat. I knew my marriage was over and all I had to do is waiting to be served. I knew I wouldn’t fight it if the settlement was reasonably fair. But what was fair for what I’ve done. I nearly missed what he said next.
“Unfortunately, the laws in this state in case of a divorce are not really in my favor. After going through all possibilities, we concluded it’s cheaper to keep you.”
I looked up surprised and with hope in my face. He looked me in the eyes but there was still resentment in his eyes of course. But it was the first time for me to have slight hope for my marriage. But I knew it will be a long way and I’m willing to go it.
“Of course, there will be major changes. First of all, I canceled all your credit cards. Both of you get debit cards that I will charge each week with a small but appropriate amount. You have to pay the groceries and few personal expenses with this money. I know you have to do major adjustments in your spending, but for once I’m selfish on my own.”
The financial constraints didn’t hurt me that much, though I knew I have to adapt. I was used to have money when needed but knowing now how I lavished money all the time I knew I deserved it.
“But the important part is your infidelity. You know you hurt me with your fucking around and even you told me you never lost respect for me: I feel disrespected! I hope you don’t expect much physical affection in the following weeks or months, because at the moment touching you doesn’t appeal to me.”
This hurt me real deep. It felt like a slap in the face. I always wanted to look good and knowing men desired me was important to me. But now, the man that I truly love didn’t desire me, didn’t even want to touch me, shocked me.
But when I felt my face turn pale, I knew it wasn’t my body itself what made me unalluring. It was what I made with my body. I let other men use it even though only my husband should be allowed to use it. At this moment I felt filthy myself, not just my body, my soul felt filthy too. I knew I had to cleanse up my body and my soul of my cheating and selfishness.
“One more point. I expect you to get a clean bill of health before we might have sex again. I know you had unprotected sex with the guys, and I don’t want to risk my health.”
At this my face turned red of shame. In all my lust I didn’t think about my health and furthermore the health of my husband. I would kill myself if I passed some STDs to my husband.
“This might be the hardest part for you, but I don’t want to abstain from sex. In the last years we had less and then only dull sex. We already talked about the reasons. You however had a lot of adventurous sex with your lover. So, I claim a hall pass for the next year. I won’t fuck around with any woman, but if I find someone worth, I will have sex with her without regret.
I won’t flaunt it in your face, and it won’t be someone in the circle of our friends. Preferably it will be some stranger. I will keep it secret, but I will tell you if you want to know. Your decision.”
Oh my god, he wants to cheat! Several feelings welled up. Anger, hurt, hate. Humiliation. With this last feeling I suddenly knew what he felt when he found out about my cheating. It didn’t make the feeling better, but I knew that I had no right to complain as I had hurt him before. I just sagged back.
“Of course, if you want to continue this marriage, you have to stay faithful. Otherwise I risk divorcing you. I can’t stand any more disrespect.
If we would see this as swinging, I would have the permission to have sex with all the girlfriends of the frat brothers. But as far as I know only 3 have steady girlfriends. Mark isn’t one of them.”
He looked back to Kim. “Bob has a girlfriend, but I’m not sure I want to have sex with my own daughter.” Kim looked at him wide-eyed.
“And your long-time lover Billy, well he doesn’t have a real girlfriend, but he has two other married women that he meets regularly. You are not his only woman, he is player who loves to fuck married woman and cuckold their husbands. There is at least one marriage that got divorced because of him about 2 years ago.”
That was something new. I didn’t think about Billy much or what he did when I’m not with him. There was no love involved from my side, just carnal lust.
“This are the rules for the next year of our marriage. If you can’t live with them, you have to file for divorce on your own.”
With that he stood up and left us sitting there to think about our future. There was a long silence while we processed what we were confronted with. The only problem for me was knowing my husband might cheat on me. But what choice did I really have? I might get a good settlement in a divorce but at what cost? I love my husband and don’t want to lose him. I knew, I had to make myself desirable for him, body and more so, soul. I had to win him back.
There wasn’t much talking the rest of Sunday. Kim left for her college Sunday evening. I didn’t know the surprises the next days would present.
On Monday evening we got a call from an agitated Kim. What she told us was, that the fraternity of Mark had a party on this weekend. There one of the girls got extremely drunk was gangbanged by several guys. As she couldn’t remember one thing the next day, she reported the rape. At the same day someone called the police and reported a big drug distribution at exactly this fraternity. A drug raid at the fraternity building delivered a lot of drugs of different kind, date-rape-drugs and videos of different gangbangs on the computers and mobile phones of the fraternity brothers. It was Marks fraternity, and according to Kim a lot of drugs were found in his room, too.
I looked into my husband’s face when we heard the news and saw the corners of his mouth raise. I had the feeling he knew about all this before, maybe arranged these things. When I asked him, he just told me, that there is no way he would organize a gangrape of an innocent girl. That was just coincidence and the icing on the cake. It makes what else happened to them even more deserving. The college closed this frat-house, and the members will face hard times and their future careers don’t look so great.
On Thursday I got another surprising call. On Billy’s office computer they found child porn and further investigation showed several videos of him with different married wives in his past. They didn’t find any video of me by as I was one of his favorite contacts I was asked. My husband stood by me during the investigation, and I was cleared after a few days.
Weeks later Billy I would get a call from Billy from his imprisonment where he asked me if it was my husband who planted the child porn as all videos of me went missing. I didn’t even know they existed. He got an anonymous letter that stating: “Don’t fuck married women.”
I didn’t ask but knew, that my husband took a hand in this too. I knew he had a friend who was great in IT security. I just hoped that this friend didn’t see my videos.
As I knew he took revenge on my lovers I just waited for the ax fall on me.
Epilog one year later:
I’m happy. I’m still married to my husband, and I love him more than ever. Of course, it was a hard year. After the fallout I immediately went to a psychologist to understand why I did what I did. A complete physical exam — yes, I also got a clean bill of health — revealed a hormonal imbalance that could have started long ago, even short after my pregnancy and I started treatment. Psychological I was diagnosed with a light form of shopping addiction. These things combined with a high libido and less time with my husband seemed to lead to my cheating.
I could bring this up as my excuse for my cheating, but in my mind, I knew it was still me who made the decisions to cheat. I made sure my husband knew all of this, but I never took that as an excuse, and I made sure my husband knew it too.
A few weeks later I found a job in my profession at a small startup. My boss is a woman (I don’t want any misunderstandings with my husband) who was cheated on by her husband. I told her all about me and at first, she was really hard on me, but she saw how I wanted to become a better woman, so we became good friends since then. It doesn’t pay that great money, but the job is satisfying. My husband told me I could keep this money for me, but I still pay it to his account and I’m happy to contribute it to our household. I’m still living on his debit that he increased significantly over the last year, but I never used it at full except when I bought something for him.
My daughter mended her relationship with her father, and they are closer than ever. For all incest fans out there: Did they have sex like he once mentioned casually? I don’t think so, but at the moment I don’t care. All I want is them to be happy.
My own relationship with my husband took longer to mend. Just a few weeks after the fallout one of my friends mentioned how my husband became a real stud. That was the first time I really recognized him again. He had cut back his working hours and started a fitness program. Within a few months he became very trim. Over the summer our daughter had a few of her college friends visiting us. They seemed to flirt with him more than necessary and he liked the attention. Was I jealous? Of course, but surprisingly more than that, I was proud of him to be desired by these young women. Did he bed some of them? I don’t know and I don’t want to know. After all he had that hall pass.
It took 3 months before he moved back into our bedroom and 3 more months before we started having sex again. It happened when I surprised him in the bathroom when he beat off. I wasn’t angry but aroused. I told him he didn’t have to beat off himself. He can use my body anyway he wants. He doesn’t have to make love to me he can just fuck me for his own pleasure. I gladly would use just my mouth or only my hands on him if he wanted.
This was the first night of intimacy. He just fucked me really hard. I knew he released his anger this way and I took it without complaints. This was our sex for the next weeks and I even got off on it, but I missed making love. A few weeks with hard fucking we once went out for dinner with friends. When we came back, we both were pretty tipsy and made love for the first time. I came several times that I lost count and when he came, I passed out for what seemed like minutes. When I came by, I started to cry and clung to him and said thank you several times.
With this we became real husband and wife again. Our daughter sensed it immediately when she visited us and was happy for us.
One year after the fallout we went out for dinner on our own. After the dinner he told me that he revokes his own hall pass. If I wanted to know anything about it, this would be last time to ask. After this evening he would never say anything about it again.
I thought about it for a minute then just said: “I don’t want to know anything about it from the past. But in the future, everything that happens, has to be with both of us”.