Crystal Lee’s Summer Job

Crystal Lee’s summer job 01

My neighborhood has that one guy. That one guy who just seems to be cooler and more popular than most everyone else. And our guy, Mr. Cool Hand Chet, just happens to live right next door and although I don’t give much credence to all that “cooler than you” stuff, I had no problem taking advantage of the excessive popularity that landed on my shoulders. In other words, I would have never been invited to a pool party in my life if I didn’t share a fence with Chet, Cool Hand Chet.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy that he is successful, popular and probably what most would say handsome. Again, in other words, he’s a nice guy and he’s a big enough person to notice the skinny kid living next door and I got invite.

Granted, he may have felt forced into it to maintain his “cool neighbor” status the first time, but I made sure that I was going to get more invitations and I mean all summer long.

As you can probably imagine, a very popular Chet has friends who are just as popular and I think the all qualify as Middleton’s pretty people. And by that, I mean I couldn’t even get an interview set up to join their club because of my small size. So, I had to keep my “invitee” status active another way and that’s when I decided, right from day one, that I would become a valuable pool party attendee.

I wasn’t inside of Chet’s pool area for 3 minutes when I put my unofficial host duties to work. And I played it so cool, that I truly felt that I need a little credit. There was no way that I was going to speak to any of Chet’s guests because I didn’t want to get punched out by an upset boyfriend, so I came up with another plan. And yes, Chet was confused about what I was doing, but Chet let me go. Mostly because his girlfriend, Lydia, gave him one of those “let it go” pats of his chest. Thank you, Lydia.

I went straight to his poor excuse for a Tiki Bar and filled two plastic buckets with beer, water, wine coolers and ice. I took my make shift serving trays and walked to every person at the party, briefly paused and held the buckets implying that I was at their service. And I kept making my rounds for the next two hours and the only words I spoke were “you’re welcome” with acknowledgement head nods.

And guess what? It worked. Chet’s guests were pleased to be served and Chet seemed to get just a little more “cool guy” cred himself. And I never spoke to anyone and none of the boyfriends seem to mind if I paused in front of the girls for a few moments longer than I did for them.

LOL, except the boyfriend who was with the Greek Goddess a yellow bikini. He may have given me a few side eyes, but come on, even though I like to wear female clothing, I’m still a guy by DNA and look at those legs, will you?

And guess what else? Chet’s pool parties are more like group tan beds. 1pm to 3pm and get on about your day, which seemed to be fine with everyone. As soon as I knew that the beverage consumption was coming to an end, I cleaned out the buckets, put my T-Shirt on and made my way towards the gate. And to my surprise and delight, I received a round of good byes from the guests, the guests who only heard me say “you’re welcome” for the last two hours. I waved at the crowd and turned towards the exit gate.

And then came the fun part for me. Mr. Cool Hand Chet and Lydia met me at the gate to say good bye and what I hoped another invitation to attend the next sunbathing party. And by that, I mean I walked slowly towards the gate, you know, so Chet knew his skinny little neighbor was leaving.

What didn’t work was Chet’s ability to thank me and ask me back with real words in the proper sequence. I think he was having a hard time envisioning a post card photo with all his pretty people standing in a row and then there would be me. LOL, a popular scene in the movies, but not so much on Netherwood Street. But he knew that he may have stumbled onto something good here and he may not want to let it go, but he wasn’t sure how to say it. Hence, the mountain foothills man language that his girlfriend there to interpret it for me. And laughing all the while.

“LOL, Lee, what Chet’s trying to say is thanks, your presence here today and the things you did were a big hit. He’s also trying to say that you can come to all of his parties, but as an unpaid intern of sorts. He’s also apologizing if Jacob was a little too friendly with you, you know, behind the Tiki Bar. We’ll speak with him.”

“Well, Chet via Lydia, LOL, you’re welcome and thank you for letting me hang out for the afternoon. I had a great time and I agree, your friends appreciated the personal service. I’ll tell you what, I’ll be happy to attend all of your personal tanning saloon sessions, but with a few of my conditions.”

“Oh, well, let’s here what the skinny kid who has no business being seen with these Middleton A-Listers wants? I mean, you can always stay on your side of the fence, right? Chet, get ready to open the gate and show him out.”

“Easy Lydia, I was going to say that two new party all-purpose buckets would look so much better than the two I used today. You’ve seen them in the stores and OMG, not the really big ones. You know, the size I can carry. And then I noticed that the Greek Goddess didn’t really like her wine cooler, so maybe a couple of choices other than “Farmer Joe’s Spiked Tea” and maybe one of Chet’s little golf towels that I can throw over my shoulder. I mean, it’s in all the movies, right? Oh, and of course a few tubes of sun tan lotion. I’ve seen sun tan lotion tubes that have binder clips molded into the caps. I could let them dangle from the serving buckets. Are those acceptable suggestions from the intern?”

“Well, I guess we apologize, don’t we Chet? Ah, proposal accepted, I suppose, right Chet?”

“And I can tighten the screws on the Tiki Bar if you like. I mean, did someone have sex on the roof of it or something?”

“Never mind all that. Is there any chance I would get extra special attention, I mean, it is my boyfriend’s house and all, right? Not that I’m asking for you to throw rose pedals at my me, but maybe, you know, a little extra attention?”

“If painting your toenails while you’re kicked back in a chaise lounge is special attention, then yes, as long as Chet understands I’m just doing my job.

“Oh my, well, Chet honey, we can toss Lee a few bucks, can’t we, babe? I mean, he might be an intern, but it sounds like he’s willing to earn his keep and me the center of attention, you know, right behind the Greek Goddess. She’s Lucinda by the way. So, how about it, Chet honey? I mean, remember that night when we were doing it on the roof of the Tiki Hut?”

I took the opportunity to let Chet off the hook. LOL, I may or may share my home security video with him at another time and oh my, did he ever “do” Lydia on the Tiki Hut roof.

“Chet, I know you’re having a hard time getting into this conversation, but you can hold off on throwing me a few bucks, for now. We’ll talk about that after all the girl’s line up in Chaise Lounges with their feet pointing out. So, I’m assuming we have a deal for the summer, but listen, don’t say anything to your friend Jacob. He said he was worried that my butt crack would get sun burned and he only applied a few drops of sun tan lotion on his two fingers. We can let that go for now. I don’t want to be reason for drama within your crew, I just want to be your, well, your pool party host intern. So, are we cool?”

“I think I can speak for Chet and acknowledge that it’s cool and Chet and I both agree that drama has no place here among all these hot people. However, and I’ll explain this Chet later, I would appreciate it if you wait a few weeks before you wear that 2-piece woman’s bathing suit I seen you in last weekend, you know, when you were drinking coffee on your deck. You know the one, right Lee? The red one?”

“LOL, it’s Ripe Raspberry Red with Lemon Fresh trim, but I promise I’ll wait for a few parties and I’ll give you advance notice. Deal?”

“I’ll try to find Raspberry buckets, you know, for our little fem boy server and we’ll see you in two weeks, ah? Should I always call you Lee?”

“Crystal Lee, when the moment is right. And by the way, you know, if you see a small Raspberry service towel while you’re at the store, well, you know. Ah, bye Chet????”

Before I go on, let me say two things. One, I’ll apologize right up front if I go on and on about Luci, the Greek Goddess, but, well, she’s a 23 years old Goddess for Pete’s sake. And two, and I need to get this off my chest, a few days later a went to the local steak house and had a delightful rib eye steak dinner which doesn’t sound like anything worth mentioning, but I stole one of their large and thick white napkins. I needed one, they have hundreds and now they have one less. I’ll serve my time if I have to, but I needed a large thick white cloth napkin.

Getting back to my story, I spent a few days picking up a few things of my own for the next pool party. And the dollar store met almost all of my needs. First, and the female guests are going to love this, I bought five cheap service bells. One for each pool side table or in other words, one for each girl in a bikini.

And then I found a child’s play tool box. I didn’t need the plastic tools, but I did need the cute little tool box with a carrying handle. You know the type, just an open box with angled sides and a wooden dowel handle, right? It was a perfectly sized, nicely varnished carrying box that would never see a plastic tool again. But it was perfect for a wide selection of nail polish bottles, a few small wash clothes and a bag of cotton ball rods. And just in case I catch the guy’s attention, I would add a few bottles of clear sheen polish, you know, just in case they like something like that.

I also found a small beach pail that was silver because I couldn’t find a chrome one and a package of tall Sparkling Wine drink glasses. Yup, I have a plan.

All of that was a reasonable investment on my part, but I was sure that the rewards would be great, especially if Luci sees me painting Lydia’s toenails and just happens to stretch her legs and feet out to the edge of the chaise lounge as if to say, me next please. In other words, I’d be willing to risk getting punched by her boyfriend if I had a chance to fondle her feet while I painted her nails. I mean, I’m just the skinny kid who happens to be “pretty like lady”, so he wouldn’t punch me in the face, right?

My somewhat larger investment was a bottle of Sparkling Wine and a new and smaller swim suit for me. Fine, maybe the shorter swim suit was a little for Jacob. I mean, who wants a sun burn where the sun doesn’t shine, right? And he only moans a little and he was quick about sawing his fingers between the top of my buns, so maybe the smaller suit is for him. To be clear, it’s not a Euro style Speedo or anything like that, just not as long as my board suit, but just enough to fully cover the thong I plan on wearing. A Raspberry Red thong, of course.

As the days passed, LOL, I practiced painting my toenails every day, even though I knew that I would have a completely different angle and that angle was about to be tested in 30 minutes. Meaning I packed up my polish bottle carrying box, the silver pail with a bottle of Sparkling Wine and ice in it (wrapped in the thick white napkin that I may or may have not stolen last week), threw the service bells on top of the nail polish bells, slipped my Raspberry Red thong under my new swimming suit and made my way to my intern “Pool Party Host” job.

LOL, I need a better job title and I might have that discussion with my boss Lydia as I polish her toenails this afternoon, which will be Ripe Raspberry Red if I get to select the color.

As soon as I entered the pool area, I made a bee line for the Tiki Bar and put my things away under the bar counter top. As I patiently waited for the Middleton A-Listers to make they’re way poolside, I tightened the screws on the Tiki Hut roof. And I didn’t have to wait long for the guests to show up. Just like clockwork, they all showed up within minutes of each other and found their places in “Chet’s Sun Tanning Saloon” and they all noticed me in the corner, waiting patiently, with full buckets of beverages. And yes, Lydia managed to find a few perfect backyard party buckets for me.

Now, verbally, my plan for the day was my standard “you’re welcome” along with notification to Lydia that I was wearing a thong under my swimming suit, which I hoped was not noticeable, and maybe, just maybe a short conversation with one of the top A-Listers, Tori. I’ve heard of Tori and I’ve heard that she has skills that I definitely need in the near future. Tori is a seamstress and I need a 2-piece that has some frilly fluffy stuff to hide my “Lee” secret and she might be able to help. LOL, if my boss allows me to speak, that is.

Thankfully, my boss Lydia approved of my thong, laughed and said “it’s Raspberry, isn’t it” and warned me about jumping in the pool because it may leave a visible thong line.

Then the best thing happened. No one moved, meaning they knew my purpose for being there to serve them and they were all giving me the “what’s taking you so long” look. Which I responded to quickly, only a little different this time. I started with the group of guys of the house side of pool and with just a bucket of beer. And by that, I mean I ran up and down the line, tossing cans at them.

And then I went back to my cubical, the Hut, grabbed the wine cooler bucket, the silver pail with the Sparkling Wine, the plastic glasses and the small cheap service bells. My walking route had a purpose and it started with the small plastic outdoors table right between Lydia and Luci.

I placed one of the bells and plastic glasses down on each table. I also placed the Sparkling Wine in the pail down on Luci’s table and placed the wine cooler bucket down near the front of the row of Chaise Lounge chairs.

I backed up and stood at attention until Luci picked up on the game. She picked up the bell and gently rang it. I pointed at the wine coolers and then to the Sparkling Wine as if to say “your choice my lady” and waited for her to respond.

Luci knows how to work a crowd I tell you. She raised her over-sized sunglasses and glanced at the Sparkling Wine. And because I’m a good host and not an idiot, I pulled the botte out of the bucket and handed it to her boyfriend to open. LOL, it would have been embarrassing for me to attempt that, LOL. Which, by the way, seemed to help Mr. Big Chest relax a little. I nodded ‘thanks” to him and gave him two beers. Look, I have no problem giving Mr. Macho a chance to gloat, just as long as Luci lifts her sun glasses at me every now and then.

And one by one, right down the line of Chaise Lounge Chairs, the sunglasses were slightly lifted and the eyes told me exactly what they wanted. Luci, Tori, Lydia and Jessie all wanted a glass of Sparkling Wine and they got one with a very soft “you’re welcome” and a smile.

By the way, I have experience in guy grunting language and received a B+ from my class, but this my first experience with “girl sunglasses and eye dips” language and I think I did OK. The Final should be easy.

Why in the hell Lydia giggled and dared Tori to ask me what I needed in the color combination of Raspberry and Cream is beyond me, but at least that ice was broken. Four pairs of over-sized sunglasses looking at me and four pair’s sunglasses dipped in my direction. I didn’t give too much away, but I did respond to Tori that a special swim suit would be nice.

But the clock was running and there was more for me to do. I quickly returned to my assigned work area to refill the beer bucket for the guys and prepare to whip out my box of nail polish. I was trying to hurry, but at the same time give Jacob his freaky little secret moment alone with me behind the Tiki Bar. Hey, he was running late and I had work to do, so I made my rounds to the guys.

And oh snap, they were happy to get their beers alright and just as happy to give me the side eye, the back eye, maybe a black eye soon and the “watch you ass” straight in the eye eyes. I served them and nodded as if to say remember guys, I’m pretty like a lady. It’s not my fault that your women appreciate having a servant at their call.

But I had more work to do. Lydia was wiggling her toes and letting me know that she was waiting and because her toes are in my job description, I could not claim overtime, so I better stop “watching my ass” and get busy on her “extra special attention” and get to it quick.

Back in my lab, I was working as quickly as I could to grab my box of nail polish, pull my swimming trunks up because Jacob finally made his way over to me behind the bar. I know it’s weird, but he’s kind of a smooth operator and he’s pretty gentle. However, after a moment’s, I reminded Jacob that he better not get caught doing his freaky little thing, you know, back there and to leave me alone for a while so I could report to work. Hah, that, that freaky SOB smiled at me and flicked his tongue at me. OMG, Jacob! I handed him a beer, fixed my thong under my suit and sent him on his way because I had to get back to work.

Once I had a chance to catch my breath, I found myself kneeling in front of Lydia with my polish box by my side. Of course, I held up the bottle of Raspberry Red first and waited for her positive or negative head nod. And OMG, SOB, was I ever getting the looks or what from the rest of the girls? The whole row of ladies and even Luci’s boyfriend were focused on me, on my knees in front of Lydia, with a box of nail polish, waiting for the proper color selection.

She laughed and nodded “no” to the world famous Raspberry Red polish, which I set down with the color name pointing directly at Tori, who is a Barbie Doll and was born with Passion Red toenails, thus, she doesn’t need my services today. However, she lowered her sunglasses, chuckled and said that Lydia told her what I needed and that I should stop by her clothing store as soon as possible. Of course, because I’m not permitted to speak much, I nodded and went back to work on Lydia’s toes.

And let me clear, maybe I’m a freaky too because inserting the cotton ball rods between her toes had me very worked up, if you know what I mean. And maybe stroking the brush up them did do. And maybe it had an effect on the guys too because I had an audience, which didn’t matter to Lydia just as long as the conversation was about her, her attention, her toes and who cares about the pool boy performing the actual work.

And after I peeked my Raspberry Red thong to Tori for a color guide suggestion, she chuckled again and waved her fingers at Luci’s toes, which were wiggling at me. She didn’t need to say “me next” because it always the plan for her to be next, right after I glanced at the boyfriend for approval. And yes, his chest pumped up just a little more as I bowed my head as if to say thank you and kneeled in front of his girl and grabbed her feet. OMG, his Goddess of a woman.

Similar to Lydia, she selected Mediterranean Sea Blue, even though I had turned the greatest polish color in the world towards her. LOL, at least she said maybe next time Crystal Lee, maybe next time. Which I think was code for throw that stuff out.

To my absolute delight, Jessie said “ah, why not? It’s going to waste anyways” and pushed her toes out so I could spread them out with cotton and apply the most wonderful color ever known to man. I mean, finally, right? I wanted to show her that her toe nails matched my thong, but her boyfriend is bigger than Mr. Macho Rod and he might not remember that I’m “pretty like a lady” or even care.

After I finished with the girls, I held a bottle of clear sheen up to Mr. Macho Man and waited for his answer. LOL, his eyes said that he was freaky out, but then they changed to, well, maybe next time.